We don’t even want to know the mechanics of this: “Washington, DC – To celebrate the launch of Newt Gingrich (@newtgingrich) and Bill Forstchen’s new book, To Try Men’s Souls, about the Christmas Night 1776 crossing of the Delaware River and attack on the Hessians stationed in Trenton, NJ, St. Martin’s Press and Gingrich Communications are excited to announce the first ever twitter reenactment of the crossing!” Intern Riley will be liveblogging this on Sunday! Yes, Riley, it’s true! []

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  1. @Hessians: Drinking and feasting. I see nothing!
    @Washington: Freezing toes off and starving.

    Repeat for 5 hours

    @Hessians: Hey, whiskey tango foxtrot?!?
    @Washington: We’re in foxtroting Trenton

    @Hessians: Achtung! Achtung!!! Amerikaners!!!
    @Washington: We win! Yay

    Then end…

  2. I’m blocked from this site (work)so I will assume the “Newts” will stand outside at night, in the cold, with Popsicle’s shoved up their ass, for the 43 minutes it took to cross the Delaware River and cold Newt-Twit about it.

    Please correct me if I’m wrong.

  3. This inspired me to Twitter my high-school geometry teacher and a random cancer-stricken woman recovering in post-op, telling them that I had filed my divorce petition.

  4. But Sunday night was finally going to be my “special” time with Riley in the closet – remember that horrible gif thingie, that was our prize for submitting one…

  5. This all makes perfect sense:

    A Hessian is a type of matrix that lent its name to a web protocol.

    This simulated attack on the Hessians will take place in a virtual reality online environment, also known as a matrix.

    Thus, Newt Gingrich knows kung fu.

  6. Leave it to the imagination-challenged republics to write about one of the most famous events of the revo war. Next up for Neut: a book on the battle of Gettysburg, or maybe just the Address. Then Appamattox, the Ford Theater, the USS Maine, followed by the Lusitania, D-Day, Hiroshima, and perhaps a dramatization of the Kennedy assasination, because none of these events have been done to death by historians or writers of historical fiction.

  7. Riley, please tell Newt Catholics are supposed to spend Sundays in church. Especially newly baptised Catholics with a lot of divorces for which to beg forgiveness.

  8. So, will Newt be rooting for the entrenched, monied classes of a global empire that hired mercenaries to exercise their imperial will in a far-off continent, or will Gingrich be cheering for the Americans?

    Republicans: You really should avoid mentioning the Revolution, it was against everything you’re in favor of.

  9. [re=442014]Suds McKenzie[/re]: Instead, I think we should correct THEM if you’re wrong.

    I, for one, applaud Newt’s efforts towards the death of Twitter. Carry on.

  10. Newt is starting the Society for Creative Assholism. He is frantically stitching his virtual costume as we speak. Many trips to Jo-Ann Fabrics for unnecessary buckles and figuring out how to attach a bayonet to his Blackberry.

  11. So Gingrich will be commemorating the first War on Christmas? Because that’s what it was. The poor Hesseins were just celebrating their Christmas,and Washington decided to ambush them on their religious holiday. Not that I wouldn’t have done the same, we hate Hessians in Jersey.

  12. [re=442101]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Next time they should save 300 words and title the post Reid, Pelosi, Obama, Lenin, Ayers and Hitler Open thread.

  13. Newtington Crossing the Delaware
    By David Shulman

    A hard, howling, tossing water scene.
    Strong tide was washing hero clean.
    “How cold!” Weather stings as in anger.
    O Silent night shows Newty in danger!

  14. I don’t twat, so someone is going to explain to me how this works. Are there emoticans in twatter? Will this be a series of happy/sad faces? And how the fuck is Young Riley suppose to live blog emoticans, by spelling them out in twats? SML. SD. SML. SD.

    This makes absolutely no sense but then, I was raised during a kinder, gentler, more whole-word driven world, so I can’t be expected to keep up.

  15. Also: “Real change requires real change.” Shit, that’s deep, man. Like, is the universe all there is in the universe? Gimmee another toke.

  16. [re=442081]Guppy06[/re]: Republicans: You really should avoid mentioning the Revolution, it was against everything you’re in favor of.”

    As I have perhaps mentioned, I recently read five serious books about the Revolutionary period politics to the Constitutional Convention and Jefferson and Adams. Thus, I’m damn smart on this subject.

    Add to my knowledge the highpoints of history of 1800 forward that I’ve picked up from the teevee, I can safely say that anything the southerners were for, was bad. Every time they lost, America won, and vice versa.

  17. I live less than half a mile from where Washington landed when he crossed the Delaware. It’d be so sweet if they actually tried to re-enact it in place while twittering. I could walk down, find someone in a canoe working their Blackberry like crazy, and capsize them.

  18. [re=442124]artpepper[/re]: Change require real change does resemble something I might have found really, really deep, man, back in the days I took acid. Twatter would have been awesome back then. All we had was Western Union and the US Postal service.

    Of course, here in rural Okrahoma, we still rely pretty heavily on pony express.

    Just for the hell of it (I’m watching Rachel) and need to interject the fact that Faux news sucks big piles of steaming hypocritical shit.

  19. FOX can spew whatever hateful bullshit they want, it’s gonna be a while before I come down from the high of R. Gibbs smacking them down earlier today.

  20. This is just so laughably wrong in so many ways. I’m going to need to drink more before I can find the words to appropriately comment on this. Who’s with me?

  21. A “virtual” reenactment of the battle during the 1776 crossing of the Delaware River? Can Newt Gingrich get shot in the ass with a “virtual” musket and then get “virtual” gangrene?

  22. What, no Office Space reference. Jim Newell with the infernal coffee cup, Yeah…uhhhhm…Riley….I’ll need you to LiveTwat…On Sunday….Yeeaah….

    Is that tophat flare?

  23. wow newt how bad you suck? did anyone else read ‘twitternactment’ as ‘twitternacht’? ‘anals of new media’ also feels more appropriate, too.

  24. [re=442070]Jukesgrrl[/re]: “Especially newly baptised Catholics with a lot of divorces for which to beg forgiveness.”

    Hmmph. Used to be that papists ATONED for their sins and sought forgiveness via PENANCE, i.e., real suffering. Sin: fail to sit up straight, as Jesus and Mary deserve. Penance: a sharp blow between the shoulder blades with the pointy edge of a ruler. Sin: whack a sibling in the face with a Hot Wheels track. Penance: consider yourself one of the Romans who lashed Jesus and think about the fate of your eternal soul and go pray a gazillion rosaries, and then keep going out of sheer terror until your mother has to drag you out of the pew.

    Before my 10th birthday, the Holy Mother Church forced me to spend more time considering my wrong-doing and extracted more suffering as expiation than Neut has ever experienced. I base this assumption on the fact that he has not yet vaporized in a greasy mist.

    [re=442101]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Wasn’t there some ruckus a few years ago, about Dick Cheney refusing to release the list of whoever he talked to while considering some sort of energy thing?

  25. [re=442163]tranch coat[/re]: Wow. May I offer you a virtual drink (as a virtual corporal work of mercy)? I have a dear friend who told me he confessed to “impure thoughts” as a five-year-old because he secretly desired to go for a dip in a dirty old swimming hole.

    [re=442144]Atheist Nun[/re]: Brilliant revision!

  26. Wait, we’ve gone so long without remembering the most important historical apocrypha from the Battle of Trenton! Who gets to be the lone frozen-to-death Negro lawn jockey?

  27. Only Mike would be stupid enough to volunteer for something like this. He could be relegated to playing to role of some Hessian bovine, or something. “Moo, baby, moo” is what I always say.

  28. Poor Riley. Gonna miss football and beer all to read twits from one of the biggest GOP twits around. By the way, Suds McKenzie, I loved the “popcycles up their asses” part of your post although I don’t think I will ever be able to eat a popcycle again.

  29. Liveblogging a twitternactment? The internet has gone almost totally meta. Soon, nothing done on the internet will have anything to do with anything but the internet, and it will be irrelevent forever. I’m looking forward to it.

    Who’s Colonel Rall? Do they mean Ted Rall?

  30. @generalwashington. joins
    @colonialpvt. joins
    @hessianmerc. joins
    @hessianpvt. joins

    @generalwashington. (boards boat) I’m off to Trenton lads won’t you join me to smite the tyrant!
    @colonialpvt. (boards) huzzah! Let’s have at our dread foe by god! Also.
    @hessianmerc. Attention! You gaurs here vile I go play pattycakes mitt Trenton hausfrau Ja?
    @hessianpvt. Ja wohl! Herr!

    @trenttory. joins

    @generalwasington & @colonialpvt. (setsail) cold.Cold.coldfuckingcold
    zounds the blighted shores of new jersey. (disembarck)
    @hessianmerc & @trentory. Oh my Herr is that a sausage in your pocket or are you just happy to see me. Pattcake.pattycake.meingottPATTYCAKE!.
    @hessianpvt. Guard.cold.guard.coldguardcold.sleep zzZzz.

    You get the rest.

  31. If he runs for Prez in 2012, at least now he can claim to have military experience. Surely a twattenactment is more experiency than fighting in the Great Blogwars.

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