ANNALS OF NEW MEDIA  5:48 pm October 22, 2009

Newt Gingrich Holding War Reenactment On Twitter, Whatever That Means

by Jim Newell

We don’t even want to know the mechanics of this: “Washington, DC – To celebrate the launch of Newt Gingrich (@newtgingrich) and Bill Forstchen’s new book, To Try Men’s Souls, about the Christmas Night 1776 crossing of the Delaware River and attack on the Hessians stationed in Trenton, NJ, St. Martin’s Press and Gingrich Communications are excited to announce the first ever twitter reenactment of the crossing!” Intern Riley will be liveblogging this on Sunday! Yes, Riley, it’s true! [Newt.org]

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 78 comments }

V572625694 October 22, 2009 at 5:50 pm

“Twitternactment.” Ouch.

God bless us, every one!

ManchuCandidate October 22, 2009 at 5:53 pm

@Hessians: Drinking and feasting. I see nothing!
@Washington: Freezing toes off and starving.

Repeat for 5 hours

@Hessians: Hey, whiskey tango foxtrot?!?
@Washington: We’re in foxtroting Trenton

@Hessians: Achtung! Achtung!!! Amerikaners!!!
@Washington: We win! Yay

Then end…

El Pinche October 22, 2009 at 5:53 pm

Riley getting his orders via Wonkette is almost as bad as getting fire via google alert. Harsh.

Scruffy_The_Janitor October 22, 2009 at 5:53 pm

Longing for the years before Civil Rights and women’s ability to vote is just not enough for some people.

Scruffy_The_Janitor October 22, 2009 at 5:54 pm

@Scruffy_The_Janitor: I’ve been shot by a red coat. Tell my wife I loved her.

Suds McKenzie October 22, 2009 at 5:55 pm

I’m blocked from this site (work)so I will assume the “Newts” will stand outside at night, in the cold, with Popsicle’s shoved up their ass, for the 43 minutes it took to cross the Delaware River and cold Newt-Twit about it.

Please correct me if I’m wrong.

Aflac Shrugged October 22, 2009 at 5:55 pm

This inspired me to Twitter my high-school geometry teacher and a random cancer-stricken woman recovering in post-op, telling them that I had filed my divorce petition.

drrty martini October 22, 2009 at 5:55 pm

If memory serves, Newt is “the smart one” of the GOP. A “twitternactment” makes my brain collapse.

WadISay October 22, 2009 at 5:56 pm

Hopefully Intern Riley has Google Alert so he learns of this assignment.

drewonline October 22, 2009 at 5:56 pm

But Sunday night was finally going to be my “special” time with Riley in the closet – remember that horrible gif thingie, that was our prize for submitting one…

queeraselvis v 2.0 October 22, 2009 at 5:58 pm

This has EPIC FAIL twatted all over it.

Humpback October 22, 2009 at 6:01 pm

It somehow involves Washington crossing the Verizon.

zhubajie October 22, 2009 at 6:01 pm

Is this NG’s war on Christmas?

slappypaddy October 22, 2009 at 6:01 pm

will they fight over who gets to stand up in the boat? this could be entertaining…

sati demise October 22, 2009 at 6:09 pm

[re=442004]ManchuCandidate[/re]: thanks! now I can skip the whole thing.

Extemporanus October 22, 2009 at 6:09 pm

This all makes perfect sense:

A Hessian is a type of matrix that lent its name to a web protocol.

This simulated attack on the Hessians will take place in a virtual reality online environment, also known as a matrix.

Thus, Newt Gingrich knows kung fu.

Extemporanus October 22, 2009 at 6:13 pm

[re=442028]Humpback[/re]: Presently, doth thou possess the faculties to hear me?

problemwithcaring October 22, 2009 at 6:20 pm

Ah! This reminds me to buy a copy of “Gloryland” on Amazon. Now…what are fat, lonely people doing on Twitter?

Crank Tango October 22, 2009 at 6:32 pm

I thought twitternacht was in November, no? Or is twitternachtment a French adverb?

imissopus October 22, 2009 at 6:33 pm

BenArn: Crossing Delaware 2 attack Hessians
GeneralGW: @BenArn Twitter blackout in effect until 2morrow!

hobospacejunkie October 22, 2009 at 6:41 pm

Leave it to the imagination-challenged republics to write about one of the most famous events of the revo war. Next up for Neut: a book on the battle of Gettysburg, or maybe just the Address. Then Appamattox, the Ford Theater, the USS Maine, followed by the Lusitania, D-Day, Hiroshima, and perhaps a dramatization of the Kennedy assasination, because none of these events have been done to death by historians or writers of historical fiction.

Dean Booth October 22, 2009 at 6:42 pm

In the lower half of that photo, does Newt have his hands on his hips like Superman? Justice!

AnnieGetYourFun October 22, 2009 at 6:42 pm

[re=442036]Extemporanus[/re]: Wow, win.

hobospacejunkie October 22, 2009 at 6:45 pm

Hey hey Neut-ee-eh
How many wives did you divorce today?

Meh, needs some work.

Jukesgrrl October 22, 2009 at 6:49 pm

Riley, please tell Newt Catholics are supposed to spend Sundays in church. Especially newly baptised Catholics with a lot of divorces for which to beg forgiveness.

Humpback October 22, 2009 at 6:57 pm

[re=442036]Extemporanus[/re]: Verily! This devil’s box does speak!

OzoneTom October 22, 2009 at 7:10 pm

…brought to you by Carl’s Jr.

Guppy06 October 22, 2009 at 7:13 pm

So, will Newt be rooting for the entrenched, monied classes of a global empire that hired mercenaries to exercise their imperial will in a far-off continent, or will Gingrich be cheering for the Americans?

Republicans: You really should avoid mentioning the Revolution, it was against everything you’re in favor of.

Snarkalicious October 22, 2009 at 7:15 pm

[re=442014]Suds McKenzie[/re]: Instead, I think we should correct THEM if you’re wrong.

I, for one, applaud Newt’s efforts towards the death of Twitter. Carry on.

Guppy06 October 22, 2009 at 7:16 pm

The freedom-loving British troops had to fight the rebels in New Jersey so that they didn’t have to fight them in London!

hockeymom October 22, 2009 at 7:17 pm

can Megs McCain somehow get on board with this?

Bearheim October 22, 2009 at 7:23 pm

Newt is starting the Society for Creative Assholism. He is frantically stitching his virtual costume as we speak. Many trips to Jo-Ann Fabrics for unnecessary buckles and figuring out how to attach a bayonet to his Blackberry.
NEWTIE SO TECHY & TRENDY!

Jim89048 October 22, 2009 at 7:26 pm

[re=442086]hockeymom[/re]: It’s going to take a lot more than that to atone for her less than stellar performance on TV last night…

BlueStateLibtard October 22, 2009 at 7:30 pm

So Gingrich will be commemorating the first War on Christmas? Because that’s what it was. The poor Hesseins were just celebrating their Christmas,and Washington decided to ambush them on their religious holiday. Not that I wouldn’t have done the same, we hate Hessians in Jersey.

El Pinche October 22, 2009 at 7:42 pm

newt. zzzZZZzzzz

skoalrebel. YES!

shortsshortsshorts October 22, 2009 at 7:49 pm
problemwithcaring October 22, 2009 at 8:01 pm

[re=442101]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Next time they should save 300 words and title the post Reid, Pelosi, Obama, Lenin, Ayers and Hitler Open thread.

Johnny Zhivago October 22, 2009 at 8:05 pm

Doesn’t the Friendship Czar have to get involved when more than 3 Twitter accounts are mentioned in a story?

Boo Boo Hoff October 22, 2009 at 8:17 pm

Trenton Makes The World Takes

Trigvhe from Texas October 22, 2009 at 8:21 pm

Newtington Crossing the Delaware
By David Shulman

A hard, howling, tossing water scene.
Strong tide was washing hero clean.
“How cold!” Weather stings as in anger.
O Silent night shows Newty in danger!

blader October 22, 2009 at 8:38 pm

I’ll play:

@Newt! bang! pow! boom!

Lazy Media October 22, 2009 at 8:41 pm

Tweeting about your surprise attack = OPSEC fail. Way to let the Hessians win, Newt.

DustBowlBlues October 22, 2009 at 8:45 pm

I don’t twat, so someone is going to explain to me how this works. Are there emoticans in twatter? Will this be a series of happy/sad faces? And how the fuck is Young Riley suppose to live blog emoticans, by spelling them out in twats? SML. SD. SML. SD.

This makes absolutely no sense but then, I was raised during a kinder, gentler, more whole-word driven world, so I can’t be expected to keep up.

artpepper October 22, 2009 at 8:50 pm

Next can they please twitternact Valley Forge? But has to be in real time only!

artpepper October 22, 2009 at 8:51 pm

Also: Newt.org. “Real change requires real change.” Shit, that’s deep, man. Like, is the universe all there is in the universe? Gimmee another toke.

DustBowlBlues October 22, 2009 at 8:54 pm

[re=442081]Guppy06[/re]: Republicans: You really should avoid mentioning the Revolution, it was against everything you’re in favor of.”

As I have perhaps mentioned, I recently read five serious books about the Revolutionary period politics to the Constitutional Convention and Jefferson and Adams. Thus, I’m damn smart on this subject.

Add to my knowledge the highpoints of history of 1800 forward that I’ve picked up from the teevee, I can safely say that anything the southerners were for, was bad. Every time they lost, America won, and vice versa.

el donaldo October 22, 2009 at 8:56 pm

I live less than half a mile from where Washington landed when he crossed the Delaware. It’d be so sweet if they actually tried to re-enact it in place while twittering. I could walk down, find someone in a canoe working their Blackberry like crazy, and capsize them.

DustBowlBlues October 22, 2009 at 9:02 pm

[re=442124]artpepper[/re]: Change require real change does resemble something I might have found really, really deep, man, back in the days I took acid. Twatter would have been awesome back then. All we had was Western Union and the US Postal service.

Of course, here in rural Okrahoma, we still rely pretty heavily on pony express.

Just for the hell of it (I’m watching Rachel) and need to interject the fact that Faux news sucks big piles of steaming hypocritical shit.

hobospacejunkie October 22, 2009 at 9:05 pm

[re=442126]el donaldo[/re]: Just to be safe, better go on down there Sunday evening & capsize any small craft you see in the area.

hobospacejunkie October 22, 2009 at 9:07 pm

FOX can spew whatever hateful bullshit they want, it’s gonna be a while before I come down from the high of R. Gibbs smacking them down earlier today.

WickedWitch October 22, 2009 at 9:18 pm

This is just so laughably wrong in so many ways. I’m going to need to drink more before I can find the words to appropriately comment on this. Who’s with me?

trondant October 22, 2009 at 9:45 pm

@chorus: @Washington, @Washington, six ft. 20 fuckn killn 4 fun!

Hunger Tallest Palin October 22, 2009 at 9:46 pm

I bet they all wind up fighting over the special General Washington hat and go home.

Atheist Nun October 22, 2009 at 10:25 pm

A “virtual” reenactment of the battle during the 1776 crossing of the Delaware River? Can Newt Gingrich get shot in the ass with a “virtual” musket and then get “virtual” gangrene?

PoignancySelz October 22, 2009 at 10:42 pm

What, no Office Space reference. Jim Newell with the infernal coffee cup, Yeah…uhhhhm…Riley….I’ll need you to LiveTwat…On Sunday….Yeeaah….

Is that tophat flare?

obfuscator October 22, 2009 at 11:00 pm

wow newt how bad you suck? did anyone else read ‘twitternactment’ as ‘twitternacht’? ‘anals of new media’ also feels more appropriate, too.

El Pinche October 22, 2009 at 11:13 pm

Tommorrow @newtgingrich will purchase 100 virtual African slaves for 2 virtual shillings in celebration. Good times!

tranch coat October 22, 2009 at 11:18 pm

[re=442070]Jukesgrrl[/re]: “Especially newly baptised Catholics with a lot of divorces for which to beg forgiveness.”

Hmmph. Used to be that papists ATONED for their sins and sought forgiveness via PENANCE, i.e., real suffering. Sin: fail to sit up straight, as Jesus and Mary deserve. Penance: a sharp blow between the shoulder blades with the pointy edge of a ruler. Sin: whack a sibling in the face with a Hot Wheels track. Penance: consider yourself one of the Romans who lashed Jesus and think about the fate of your eternal soul and go pray a gazillion rosaries, and then keep going out of sheer terror until your mother has to drag you out of the pew.

Before my 10th birthday, the Holy Mother Church forced me to spend more time considering my wrong-doing and extracted more suffering as expiation than Neut has ever experienced. I base this assumption on the fact that he has not yet vaporized in a greasy mist.

[re=442101]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: Wasn’t there some ruckus a few years ago, about Dick Cheney refusing to release the list of whoever he talked to while considering some sort of energy thing?

Jukesgrrl October 23, 2009 at 12:26 am

[re=442163]tranch coat[/re]: Wow. May I offer you a virtual drink (as a virtual corporal work of mercy)? I have a dear friend who told me he confessed to “impure thoughts” as a five-year-old because he secretly desired to go for a dip in a dirty old swimming hole.

[re=442144]Atheist Nun[/re]: Brilliant revision!

Extemporanus October 23, 2009 at 1:27 am

[re=442029]zhubajie[/re]: [re=442094]BlueStateLibtard[/re]: Twitter is how the Gingrinch stole Christmas!

Guppy06 October 23, 2009 at 1:34 am

Wait, we’ve gone so long without remembering the most important historical apocrypha from the Battle of Trenton! Who gets to be the lone frozen-to-death Negro lawn jockey?

hobospacejunkie October 23, 2009 at 2:20 am

[re=442177]Guppy06[/re]: J.C. Watts

LowerdPeninsula October 23, 2009 at 4:05 am

[re=442182]hobospacejunkie[/re]: I’ll do you one better, my friend: Mikey Steele, FTW.

LowerdPeninsula October 23, 2009 at 4:07 am

Only Mike would be stupid enough to volunteer for something like this. He could be relegated to playing to role of some Hessian bovine, or something. “Moo, baby, moo” is what I always say.

TGY October 23, 2009 at 7:08 am

Riley, Ace of Spies

swayzeland October 23, 2009 at 7:28 am

Next year, the Boston Massacre reenactment. With @Crispus_attucks played by a fat white teabagger who wants his country back. #america_built_by_whites_supposably

dijetlo October 23, 2009 at 7:47 am

[re=442120]Lazy Media[/re]: Truly, if Newt has been running the continental army in 1778, we’d still be speaking British.

disgustedcitizen October 23, 2009 at 8:07 am

Poor Riley. Gonna miss football and beer all to read twits from one of the biggest GOP twits around. By the way, Suds McKenzie, I loved the “popcycles up their asses” part of your post although I don’t think I will ever be able to eat a popcycle again.

Kingbee October 23, 2009 at 8:08 am

Jim, by notifying Riley of his next assignment on Wonkette, you are assuming that Riley actually reads your posts on Wonkette.

Monsieur Grumpe October 23, 2009 at 8:43 am

Maybe they’re just going to stand out in field and throw their Blackberries at each other. I‘d pay to see that.

gurukalehuru October 23, 2009 at 8:49 am

I vote they follow this with a twitternactment of the Battle of the Wilderness. That was a good ‘un.

Clever_Sobriquet October 23, 2009 at 9:06 am

In an upset, I’m going to take the Hessians and the 3 points.
They can’t lose every game can they?

Larry McAwful October 23, 2009 at 9:26 am

Liveblogging a twitternactment? The internet has gone almost totally meta. Soon, nothing done on the internet will have anything to do with anything but the internet, and it will be irrelevent forever. I’m looking forward to it.

Who’s Colonel Rall? Do they mean Ted Rall?

Oh hell to the no October 23, 2009 at 10:34 am

Forget Newt, let’s talk about @levijohnston05 who helpfully announced KFC’s free chicken offer to his black friends last night.

drpangloss October 23, 2009 at 11:00 am

@generalwashington. joins
@colonialpvt. joins
@hessianmerc. joins
@hessianpvt. joins

@generalwashington. (boards boat) I’m off to Trenton lads won’t you join me to smite the tyrant!
@colonialpvt. (boards) huzzah! Let’s have at our dread foe by god! Also.
@hessianmerc. Attention! You gaurs here vile I go play pattycakes mitt Trenton hausfrau Ja?
@hessianpvt. Ja wohl! Herr!

@trenttory. joins

@generalwasington & @colonialpvt. (setsail) cold.Cold.coldfuckingcold
zounds the blighted shores of new jersey. (disembarck)
@hessianmerc & @trentory. Oh my Herr is that a sausage in your pocket or are you just happy to see me. Pattcake.pattycake.meingottPATTYCAKE!.
@hessianpvt. Guard.cold.guard.coldguardcold.sleep zzZzz.

You get the rest.

TGY October 23, 2009 at 11:38 am

[re=442328]drpangloss[/re]: Your thespian skills leave me speechless, and I bet you’re not even from Thespis.

natoslug October 23, 2009 at 11:58 am

If he runs for Prez in 2012, at least now he can claim to have military experience. Surely a twattenactment is more experiency than fighting in the Great Blogwars.

sanantonerose October 23, 2009 at 12:06 pm

Larry King helped Twitter jump the shark, now Newt is gonna help it cross the Delaware.

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