Wonkette
By the Comics Curmudgeon
Hello, readers, and welcome to a very special Carton Violence, in which we will turn our eyes away from the foul nightmare that is the editorial pages, and to the innocent, carefree comics pages, which are probably in the back of the section with the TV listings in your local paper! (Ha ha, just kidding, I realize none of you actually read the “paper”.) Do you know that this Saturday is National Make A Difference Day, when you’re supposed to, like, volunteer or something? Of course you don’t, and here’s why: because the White House apparently decided that the best way to publicize this to the masses was to encourage the writers of newspaper comic strips to plant pro-volunteering propaganda in their word-and-picture boxes. Do they think that it’s 1955? Isn’t this the same group of people who won a presidential election entirely by using Twitter? Anyway, the results, as you’ll see after the jump, are mostly laughable and terrible, when they aren’t actively offensive.
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Luann, a wacky comic strip about teenage girls, is the only strip that will say aloud the dreaded name of the cruel overlord forcing teenagers to “volunteer” to work in socialist re-education camps. Delta, the character on the left, is title teen Luann’s “black friend”; all “black friends” must by law either be sassy or saintly, and Delta has chosen the saintly route, inspiring everyone with her bout with cancer and generally forcing the other girls to do goody-goody things when they’d rather stay home and listlessly consume pop culture.
There was also this story last year where Delta had an impromptu encounter with Obama while looking for a bathroom on a DC field trip. Was this meant to echo Larry Craig’s amorous activities? Who knows! But the fact that she’s talking to the president in erotically charged terms (“turned two teens on,” hmmm?) while her friends engage in filthy sex banter (“Big O,” HMMMM?) can only mean one thing: this whole “volunteer” thing is a front for Obama’s plot to lure teenage girls into white slavery (or, in Delta’s case, black slavery).
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Only one cartoon dares to tell the truth about this situation: that volunteering, when gently and ineptly encouraged by the government, is the equivalent of slavery. This realization delights the Obama stand-in, the King of Id, widely known and hated by his subjects as The Fink. Does the president glare down from us from his ivory tower, alternately disgusted by our selfless willingness to help others and cackling with glee at how easily this do-gooding streak in American culture can be exploited for his sinister ends? Almost certainly!
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Is there anything that can save the world from Obama’s terrible army of volunteer sex slaves? There is, in fact, one last hope, and that is America’s spectacular incompetence, as demonstrated by the lovable Archie gang! Seriously, Americans can’t even to do something like cleaning and painting a school cafeteria — which many foreigners find so easy that they’ll do it for less than minimum wage, even while risking arrest — without completely fucking it up. So how do we expect volunteers to do any of the things that Obama demands of them — ending homelessness, cleaning up trash, convincing old people to commit suicide so their desiccated remains can be processed into a concentrated high-protein foodstuff — if they’re just going to make a terrible botch job of it?
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Obviously, we need to attract the best and brightest of America’s young people by making the process appealing, as in these two installments of Curtis. These strips actually making volunteering look like something nice you might do for somebody, rather than an organized do-gooder activity! They also imply that, if you offer to help an elderly total stranger with something, he’ll invite you to his apartment, which is full of stray birds that he’s lured in and trapped there, and regale you with tales of his career has a Harlem jazzman! Because what young people want as an encouragement is the prospect of listening to some old dude ramble on about a musical genre that they hate while birds shit on them.
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No, only one strip knows what will get the kids today interested in volunteering. Shockingly, that strip in B.C. You might remember that B.C.’s creator got all Jesus-y later in his life and created a baffling world of Christian cavemen; sadly, he died a few years ago, and the strip is now in the hands of his heirs, who have retooled it into a sort of slightly forced wackiness. So while Johnny Hart would have no doubt approached this week by showing President Antichrist giving each dead-eyed volunteer the Mark to wear on their foreheads, the current scribes instead give us dogs handing out bones, a rabbit apparently harnessing a turtle as a beast of burden for agricultural purposes, and some dude running screaming to the hills for no readily apparently reason, which all adds up to one thing: Kids, if you go down and volunteer, they will give you the good drugs, we promise!
So on my own blog, I have this little running gag about how Marmaduke is a flesh-eating hellhound, so I made a joke about how Marmaduke is helping this serial killer dig graves. Ha ha! Nothing could be further from the truth! In fact, Marmaduke has just left an unspeakably large turd on this poor guy’s lawn. He “volunteered” it, out of his anus.
I will volunteer a comment. This article was genius.
The re-designed, cluttered, butt-ugly and strangely difficult-to-read Washington Post somehow dumbly wrote a weird, non-news piece about “humor” and the Internets today—-and failed to mention Wonkette. Now, how dumb is that? What’s the point? The piece is entirely lacking in news, depth and substance, but they could have taken care of that if they bothered to mention–and talk to–Wonkette. Unbelievable.
I miss Johnny Hart.
I always knew the King of Id was a Republic, thanks CC!
Shouldn’t Delta at least tell those two straw-suckers that old people smell bad and will criticize their driving while getting them lost on the way to the artificial-prolongation-of-life clinic? (Guess she’s too busy turning them on.)
In fact, Marmaduke has just left an unspeakably large turd on this poor guy’s lawn. He “volunteered” it, out of his anus.
BRB, laffed so hard I shit myself.
Marmaduke is the Antichrist.
Lars von Trier told me.
freakishlystrong: Glad I’m not the only one. I am officially now the weird girl in the office who makes strange wheezing sounds while trying unsuccessfully to stifle loud laughing and/or self shitting.
Wait, is this why Rashida Jones was giving out contact info for the fake-on-the-show-but-real-in-real-life charity on my TV last night? But Rashida’s really hot, I’d do anythings she asks me…
dum librul: So as not to leave any mysteries, neither effort was successful.
You’re right in both places — he just left an Marmaduke sized-turd on the grave of the serial killer’s victim.
Genius! Now where is the Comics Curmudgeon’s goody-goody link to the Big Orgasm’s volunteerism web site?
Wizard of Id volunteerism fail. Should have had the ruddy-nosed jester guy with the bubbles over his head (indicating intoxication, see?) taking one for the team and servicing the wizard’s wife because she’s obviously so horny and no other characters will tap that foul ass.
dum librul: Yes, I am that girl as well. The worst part is you start saying it out loud and repeating it whilst crying laughing. I really had to run away on that one,; “HAHAHA, snort, he volunteered it out of his anus!”
I volunteer my time by posting blog comments which both amuse and titillate my readers. Hehe, I said “tit”.
thefrontpage: does that mean Obama is Marmaduke??
I suppose I can give time for my country. Where does one go to sign up for Romney 2012?
Meh, wake me when the mom the The Family Circus shows up with a black eye and broken arm and says she bumped into a door.
Thanks Josh! I hardly ever read this column because I hate seeing pen and ink rape of our president in the editorial cartoons. But this is awesome! I remember when all comic strips were drawn by Johnny Hart, Dik Browne and Mort Walker. Those were the days, yep.
dum librul: Haha. Good one.
That BC comic is about as awesome as a math test. I wasted 10 minutes of my life trying to figure out if the turtle was a snake who just ate the dog in the other panel.
WadISay: Oh, that only happens when he drinks and he’s going to stop the booze because he really loves her and everyone will live happily ever after because after he stops drinking the sex will still be freaky/terrifying/exhausting. I think there was a story arc like that in Peanuts …
Re the BC, my guess is the Fat Broad “volunteered” something between the second and third panels.
shadowMark: Oh yeah, when Peppermint Patty was beating up Marcie and had to go to rehab.
Word, Curtis be hangin’ with Ornette Coleman these days, making him dinner an shit.
Always pictured him as taller, though.
Isn’t “Out of His Anus” the biopic about Bill Kristol?
hoosiermama: Now they are all drawn by their kids. Times sure have changed.
Delta’s black?! When did this happen?
Jon Kyl: Why must you bury the illegals here?
Marmaduke (R-SC): How can one tame the wind?
I see that Luann is fixated on only interacting with ONE OLDS in her entire life. ‘Oh, look,’ she says, ‘that creepy old hobag I helped move and also my brother lives in her old house and whatnot happens to need a ride to Fred Meyer!’ She’s only doing it because she’s used to the old bat’s corpse stink.
“they’d rather stay home and listlessly consume pop culture” awesomest line in, like, the world. It should become a bumper sticker, like “I’d rather be golfing”.
My field research indicates that slacker girls listlessly consume pop culture while sexy girls languidly consume pop culture. I’m still gathering data.