Wonkette
Looks like the RNC is still trying to give this “Internet” thing a go: “With an ever-increasing number of Czar appointments by President Obama, it has become clear that no position is too absurd. In an effort to assist in adding another cumbersome bureaucratic layer to government and to help properly ensure the basic human right of friendship to all Americans, a new Friendship Fairness Czar has recently been appointed. Tasked with the daunting responsibility of making sure that every Facebook user is equal, this new Czar will help redistribute the wealth of friendship from those who are too popular to those who are poor in friends.” Ha ha because Facebook friends are like “grocery money,” essentially! [GOP.com]
those goppers are every day more bi-czar.
Well, they turned down my application to be the Ayatollah of Rock ‘n’ Rolla, so I guess I could apply for a Czar job.
This is really just like US America Federal Taxes. Despite all the bitching by the GOP, what they really is to send friends from friend rich Blue States to the more poorer and friendless Red States so they can call it FREEDUM.
Yup, nothing is sillier than the idea of fairness!
Can they do anything to make all the GOP’s friend on facebook less white ?
Just as long as they don’t redistribute FarmVille or whatever the stupid application on facebook is that has lost cows.
I was going nuts until I found the literally invisible “ignore” button.
My Facebook hasn’t worked for two weeks. Before, I blamed their servers. Now, I blame Republicans.
So… GOP dotcom is the conservative equivalent to a Sam Stein joke article?
Should we equalize the distribution of wingnuts fairly, or is it better to cluster them in areas where the sun beats hardest on their brains?
Alexa Douchevelis wouldn’t know Sound Reasoning if it bit her on her backside.
You would think Republicans would try honesty just once, and title the column “We Got Nothing”.
To be fair, Republican “humorists” are trying to post comments but the word filter that catches ethnic slurs keeps trashing the entries.
I am a solid liberal who believes in choice and gay rights. However the clean navigation and graphics of the GOP website have totally turned me around.
I now support America’s right to torture and kill any people we don’t agree with, thank you Michael Steele.
Sounds like Facebook Affirmative Action for “tards”.
The GOP as a political organization that is losing “friends” at warp speed - only 20% of Muricans admit they are Republicans, and they won’t allow their names to be published - they could use the help of a professional friend-maker.
When do the Paultards start spamming the comments with invitations to colonial/LotR dress-up events and accusations of “collectivist” thought? That would somewhat redeem this otherwise listless blog post.
I suggest creating a Czar of Douchebag Limitation. His/her responsibility would be to limit the exponential increase in douchebaggery in this country. While douchebaggery has been on the rise since January 20, 1980, the explosion that has occurred since November 4, 1999 has been unacceptable.
You want more friends, you add more friends, dumbass. It’s not like they’re actually really friends, or anything like that.
Well, it deserves Obama right if he keeps calling everyone he works with “Czar” so-and-so. I’m surprised the Conservatives are not complaining about Michelle being the “Family Czar.”
There wouldn’t be so many czars if the fucking Senate wouldn’t hold up dozens of Obama’s appointments.
My god, if I had a name like Alexa Moutevelis, you couldn’t pry the Anagram 5000™ from my cold, dead hands.
There go those GOPers trying to be funny again–they should stick with what they’re best at: race baiting, screeching about abortion & scaring oldsters about Medicare. Leave the funnies to people who are .. funny.
January 20, 1980? Tito’s leg is amputated? The Steelers beat the Rams in the Superbowl?
mollymcguire: This is true. I don’t think we can handle douchbaggery at this level of growth. However, I think Obama DOES have someone in a position like you mention–although he doesn’t call it what you called it. I think he calls it “Robert Gibbs”.
She once got a ride with a girl whose cousin’s brother-in-law did a correspondence course in political satire. From Hard Work U.
Here’s the thing: this isn’t funny. I think the problem with much of “right-wing humor” is that it is so bitter/smug/self-satisfied. And that would all be fine if the end result were FUNNY. But it isn’t. This can be true on the left as well (which is why I don’t read DailyKOS or others, because there is sometimes a very bitter/smug attitude which kills humor). Jon Stewart has stated how he hates it when the audience has a knee-jerk laugh or applause to anything negative about Bush/republicans. He says that he then feels really lazy and smug. Well, what keeps TDS good is that Jon Stewart is aware of this and tries to fight it. What makes posts like this GOP thing and any other “right-wing humor” attempt fail is the reliance on pointing out others’ flaws. Really good comedians look inwards. Patton Oswalt has talked about his transformation from pointing out how stupid other people are to pointing out how stupid he is. One approach is lazy, the other takes introspection and thought. A far funnier GOP post would be “Michael Steele’s Top 20 Favorite Hip-Hoppity Songs Y’all” or something that showed they were aware of their perception at large.
I think she’s describing the Secretary of Health, Education and Welfare, and lying about the Secretary’s title and responsibilities.
You know, it is Republicans like this that keep me thinking why the hell do you elect a bunch of Maoist if they are not going to take everyone out and shoot them.
Sweet Baby Cheeses: You mean because all he/she does is “evaluate ox slime?”
Or is it because Alexa is known to “use mole laxative”?
Perhaps because what he/she wrote is an “asexual, evil tome”?
I think it is because he/she is basically a “sexual meat olive.”
(”A Violate Mule Sex”)
Sweet Baby Cheeses: Asexual eel vomit?
petehammer: I think there are literally zillions of possibilities.
The RNC keeps trying to create Facebook-related humor, and they keep failing. Stick to Twitter, guys. It may not be better, but at least it’s shorter.
This is still an improvement over Dubya’s friendship fairness plan — where he friended a bunch of Iraqis and spent the next six years wondering why they weren’t grateful.
In other news, which one is not like the others and why? http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2668/3941001579_248a42f332_m.jpg
I’m pretty sure the stats at GLOP.com show big spikes when Wonkette posts about them and the rest of the time…crickets. How long before the RNC starts paying people to create “traffic” on their non-website?
If they are interested in fairness, they could just fire some of their Hate Czars. It wouldn’t BE comedy, but it would, no doubt, LEAD TO comedy.
Accordion-o-rama: Use mole laxative!
S.Luggo: Hey, I think it’s nice that Michelle Malkin is hanging out with the girls from The Facts of Life. They’re all grown up now, especially Tootie on the left!
Quick, get Matt Taibbi to write spoof-blog entitled “Round Seasoning.” I’m not kidding.
petehammer:
Dude, no offense, but wouldn’t it have been easier and more efficient just to post “Republicans are un-funny dicks” and leave it at that? Not that I disagree with anything you wrote, but I’m lazy and reading makes me tired.
Oh, and:
Republicans are un-funny dicks.
Thanks! That is all.
Tommmcatt: I know–petehammer must not realize most Wonkette readers have the attention span of a 5 year old with ADHD…
petehammer: Turn your humor inward, friend.
This does not even make sense.
I think the person that mentioned the GOP being taken over by performance artists the other day was correct.
Does this mean I get the same number of Valentines in my shoebox as Cindy Sanders again? I choo-choo-choose you too, Friendship Czar!
Texan Bulldoggette: We’re just spoiled. We’ve had cartoons of oxen trampling rats. Paintings of Jesus and dinosaurs. Meghan’s great white whale breasts. Meghan’s breasts. That weird tranny line of Bush and Bradshaw. After wonderful images like those, any post built around “words” suddenly is like Gravity’s Rainbow and a screaming coming across the sky with nothing to compare it to except lots of words and no Cthulhu blood dripping off Meghan’s breasts. I couldn’t even get up the energy to go back and proofread my own typing here.
I had no idea that the AJGLU-3000 was writing columns for GOP.com…
I don’t want no tutti frutti no lollipop
Come on baby just rock rock rock
http://www.alexashrugged.com/
Ayn Rand references? Check.
Credulous linking of multiple Daily Mail stories? Check.
Whoring out the dead of 9/11? Check.
Looks like everything here is in order, carry on.
petehammer: Sure, seen as humor, it’s lame. Seen as an attempt to answer the question, What Up?, it makes more sense.
Texan Bulldoggette: I know, I can barely make it through one … oh look, a squirrel.
Moutevelis? Too many vowels. It doesn’t sound like a “real” American name to me.
ph7: We should keep the wingers in clusters - that will make it easier to round them up to send them to the re-education camps Michelle Bachmann and Glenn Beck keep talking about.
And “going rogue” is British slang for unprotected anal sex.
First we institute Marxism. Can someone check wikipedia to find out what that is and how we might do that? Oh look another squirrel.
CHOCOLATE Czar
RAINBOW Czar
HAPPINESS Czar
FREEDOM Czar
GUY WHO WALKS BO Czar
WHERE THE WHITE WOMEN AT Czar.
You know, the GOP is right. This Czar thing is getting out of hand. Maybe they should SHUT UP about it.
Okay, it was long-winded, but I was pissed off at “right-wing humor” in general.
thefrontpage: Sarah Palin going rogue on John McCain? And now the entire GOP? Is that in her documentary the French-Canadian President liked so much?
Republicans have a problem with Czars. And yet Obama is supposed to be the closet Bolshevik!
Early in second Nixon administration, deep in the bowels of a subterranean White House disaster shelter, the political situation seemed hopeless. A decision was made that the GOP would abandon politics and go with all-performance-art, all the time. The idea was to provide just enough plausible deniability to keep a few guys out jail. Nobody expected the scheme to be so successful that Republicans would actually be elected on it! Now that saying just any old wacky bullshit has lost its mojo, they’re all disappointed and shit.
o/~Now here’s a tip from Alexas you won’t regret: A Facebook friend’s just a friend you haven’t met. STREETCZAR!
well, the Jon Kyl facebook page is really user friendly. If you want to kiss Jon Kyls butt that is…they scrub any dissent!
Al-Mo is pissy ‘cuz Rahm owns her at Mafia Wars.
petehammer: Aw, the GOP’s always talking about
Bagism, Shagism, Dragism, Madism, Ragism,
Tagism, this-ism, that-ism,
minister, sinister, banisters and canisters,
bishops, fishops, rabbis, and Popeyes, Bye-bye Bye-byes,
revolution, evolution, masturbation, flagellation, regulation,
integrations, mediations, United Nations, congratulations
John and Yoko, Timmy Leary, Rosemary,
Tommy Smothers, Bobby Dylan, Tommy Cooper,
Derek Taylor, Norman Mailer, Alan Ginsberg, Hare Krishna,
the Right’s always been about
giving laffs a chance.
petehammer: It’s actually so far from funny that it might drain the funny from ACTUALLY funny sites. It’s like a blackhole of funny. It’s anti-funny. Not even light can escape.
J. Robert Oppenheiner: January 20, 1980? Tito’s leg is amputated?
Oh, good times. We had a death pool going, and at the rate Josip was losing bits of himself, I was sure he was a lock. I’ll never forgive Jay Silverheels.
GOP.com: Where the Internets Takes Dream
This reminds me of the shitty boss who thinks he’s hilarious because the underlings pretend his lame jokes are so funny. Then he goes home to his wife and can’t understand why she thinks his jokes are lame. If you’re reading this and you’re a shitty boss with lame jokes–now you know.
shadowMark: What are the stars but points in the breasts of Meghan McCain where we insert the healing needles of our terror and longing?
BlueStateLibtard: Yer Fired!
The GOP opposes health care, peace, tolerance and now friendship. Awesome! What are they going to turn on next? Motherhood? Kittens? Vegtables?
Sweet Baby Cheeses: All of them winners, too.
Violate Me Sexual
Sexual Viola Meet
A Vile Mouse Latex
Evil Male Auto-Sex
They don’t even mention 9/11.
petehammer: Don’t you worry. I read every word because I was in the mood to (plus I was drinking a crispy martini at the time), and “why Republicans are humor-impaired” is a topic I ponder endlessly. Your in-depth analysis helped me figure out why. I even cut and pasted it into my “Wonkette Shit I Need to Remember” file.
You know who else hated czars, too? That’s right, Hero of the Soviet Union Uncle Joe Stalin, that’s who.
avoidinggradingpapers: I don’t even know when people are messing with me. But I’ll take it!
coolcatdaddy: And the product it generates is just as golden!
petehammer: Not messing. I really am always trying to put my finger on their irony/humor deficit disorder, and you shed some light.
hobospacejunkie:
Ideas are more powerful than guns. We would not let our enemies have guns, why should we let them have ideas?
from a website called, “Funny Josef Stalin Quotes“
BlueStateLibtard: Hey, this adds more to my humor impairment theory-seeking material…the whole G.O.P. is like Michael on The Office.
The always funny Meg McCabe and her hilarious breasts will be on Leno tonight, for anyone who can stomach that.
problemwithcaring: If you adjust the brightness and contrast on your monitor, you can make them look suspiciously Messican.
S.Luggo: Malkin is totally going for that poor girl’s crotch.
BlueStateLibtard: I avoid this pitfall by telling my employees only jokes that my wife has told me.
Worlds Greatest Boss?
Nice Greek girls who don’t find a husband, work in the GOP policy salt mines. So here she is, Alexa Moutevelis, day after day, year after year, twenty-five and way past her expiration date…
Oréa viziá?
OPA!!!
You know, the root of the word Newell is a Greek word. Newell come from the Greek word “neo,” which is mean “new,” so there you go. As many of you know, our name, Moutevelis, is come from the Greek words “muto veli,” which mean “deaf eunuch Turkish-enslaved Janissary guard.” So, okay? Here tonight, we have, ah, new and deaf eunuch slave janissary guard. We all different, but in the end, we all trucknutz.
hobospacejunkie: You know what other Uncle Joe was a Gyro (provider)? In Alaska? This Uncle Joe, that’s who!
http://www.unclejoespizzeria.com
The problem with the GOP is the same as with Michael Scott on The Office - you can only laugh at a jackass with no self-awareness for so long before you loathe both the jackass and yourself.
What Steele needs is a Jim n Pam romance to distract everyone from the Michael Scotts of the party. Schock/McCabe ‘12!!
Given the photos of her I’ve seen I’m surprised she’d be opposed to a Facebook friendship csar. She’s one person that won’t ever have to worry about people saying she’s been ridden hard and put away wet.
I love how Barry is supposed to be a communist and a fascist dictator all at once… because it’s not like those two government types have ever been known to be in total opposition…
Zadig:
“Violate Me Sexual” CZAR.
“Sexual Viola Meet” CZAR.
“A Vile Mouse Latex” CZAR.
“Evil Male Auto-Sex” CZAR.
OH Jeebus! Please come back and save our innocent! NOOOOOO11!!!!
chascates: It’s actually the IRS behind that. Obama’s great at sniffing out high-level tax cheats.
avoidinggradingpapers: The other problem is that right-wing humorists tend to be awfully long-winded. This joke? One sentence:
“Obama recently appointed a Friendship Fairness Czar to redistribute Facebook friends among the lonely and unpopular.”
Well, okay, “Friendship Fairness Czar” is hopelessly clunky, and the joke’s still not that funny, but at least it’s short. Omit needless words, people.
“Friendship Fairness Czar”
How soon before Fox organizes a Tea Party to Protest!
ENUFF IS ENUFF SHEEPLES! NOW YOU WILL BE FORCED TO BEFRIEND A LIBTARD WHICH MAKES SENDING THOSE RACIST EMAILS REALLY DICEY! THIS CANNOT STAND!
avoidinggradingpapers: I would add “stupid” to the list. You have to have some smarts to bring the funny, and they generally don’t. Our stupids ain’t too funny either but they just have a higher percentage of stupid.
Some more republican greats now in their gallery:
http://our.gop.com/community/app/templates/tptblogtypeentries.aspx
Johnny Zhivago: Oh, dear — did you notice this? A black man is forcing something big and hard into an orifice where it obviously doesn’t belong. I only wonder if that’s a nightmare or a wish.
SayItWithWookies: yeah, there’s no unexamined subtext present in that cartoon at all. none. maybe if the capsule was black and had a huge pair of trucknutz.
obfuscator: I hear Ross Douthat had to be carried away from his computer in convulsive fits after seeing it.
Still 0 comments… could it be that ReThuglicans have found just enough sanity and/or shame to avoid endorsing such utter tripe?…
SayItWithWookies: hey, that’s out of bounds. he’s uncomfortable and doesn’t want to talk about it in public… so maybe a guy who doesn’t want to publicly debate social/political Issues of the Day shouldn’t be paid to do so. neckbeard, also.
i’m also envisioning a political cartoon where gw attempts to shove a huge 3 ring binder labeled “patriot act” up u.s.a’s asshole while u.s.a. is watching looped footage of 9-11 coverage*.
*also known as ‘rudy giuliani’s prime masturbatory material
obfuscator: Whoever typed the ‘toon’s caption got ‘imself so tingly-excited that he typed “…bend over and take it the hadr way!!!!!!!!!!!!!”… so no, there’s no sexually-repressed subtext here at all - now move along, you Marxist elitists and save your ‘mouth-rape’ jokes for that librul rag Wonkette!
Bearbloke: one should also note that said capsule is apparently time-released*. it’s designed so that the marx-juice is slowly and strategically introduced into the unwitting Victim’s innards … just like how hitler did it. kristolnacht!!!!, people.
*if you’re using oxycontin in a recreational manner, you should take care to crush and smoke or snort the resulting powder to get the most intense high. but that’s illegal, so don’t.
petehammer: I heard she Ovulates Axe Lime, too - yuck!
obfuscator: he’s uncomfortable and doesn’t want to talk about it in public
Also his mom told him not to talk with his mouth full.
i’m also envisioning a political cartoon where gw attempts to shove a huge 3 ring binder labeled “patriot act” up u.s.a’s asshole
(In my best Yakov Smirnov voice) In America, asshole sodomize you.
obfuscator: EXPLAIN THE CARTOON CONSPIRACY.
SayItWithWookies: i’ve seen yakov in person. his theater is decorated with 9-11 mural porn.
in communist russia, healthcare forces YOU to live in country where career nurses don’t get deprived of treatment when they have cancer.
SayItWithWookies: why do you hate our perfect market-driven health care system?
All I want is a goddamn fucking refrigerator that tells me when I’m out of milk. Is it so hard to put an RFID chip into milk? And why did this hero Sullenberger on my teevee turn into a whore and write a book? Just how many pages does it take to tell a story about landing a plane in a river? This asshole’s false modesty is really chapping my ass. And I haven’t drank milk in almost 30 years. You know who else didn’t drink milk?
I hereby nominate Comrade Alan Grayson as Republican Gut Stomper Czar.
hobospacejunkie: The last time I drank milk was 15 years ago, in a White Russian, for a Big Lebowski party. Seriously.
El Pinche: Well that’s an awfully violent suggestion. Do you have anger issues, Mr. Pinchey?
Also, yeah, I totally didn’t think about milk vis-a-vis alcohol. I’m sure I’ve had a few white russians. In fact, I’m going to a black tie do Friday night, & white russians sound like the perfect sedative for the evening. Much better than choking down gin & tonics or rum & cokes.
I had to drink milk with dinner every night growing up, ’til I was almost 18. Never again. Dad used to pour it early so by the time we sat down to dinner it was warm-ish. Ugh. Milk is just a foul drink, alone, and warm, or at least not cold.
schvitzatura: Nice Greek girls who don’t find a nice non-gay non-crazy right wing republican husband, such as Alexis (Evil u to me sex) Moutevelis and Arianna Huffingtonpaste…
fixed
In other news Michael Steele has managed to accumulate 74 comments in his blog in just over a week. This is 70 comments more than I might have expected. This also makes Wonkette about eleventy times more relevent to the public discourse then the blog formerly known as “What Up”.
hobospacejunkie:
Milk does a body good.
There is photographic evidence to support this position.
problemwithcaring: If you adjust the contrast and brightness on your monitor it kinda makes them more smudgy gray.
Can we get the University of Georgia to sue these ‘tards for expropriating and defacing their beloved, deformed critter?
BTW, could you get a more masturbatory image than this piece of gun porn?
Sweet Baby Cheeses: Robert Gibbs is the Sarcasm Czar! ‘Sarc-czar’ for short.
Milk? Have you seen where that shit comes from? That’s disgusting.
Exception of course for the human dispensers
Texan Bulldoggette: most Wonkette readers have the attention span of a 5 year old with ADHD…
I just visit this site because I like saying “Douche.” And because I mistyped the name when I was looking for a porn site. What were we talking about, again?
Lionel Hutz Esq.: The Obammies are not Maoists; not leftist at all, because there is no left in America. They are perhaps slightly less right than the Bushies, but that doesn’t mean much.
FWIW, Alexa is the one on the right:
http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2460/3941792972_40f7eb28d9_m.jpg
Tabitha Hale (www.pinkelephantpundit.com) is on the left.
hobospacejunkie: Me! angry! grrrr. Love conquers all in end. Grrrrr.
Stomping a republicans guts out is merely a metaphor for setting them straight with facts, kindness and courtesy. I practice with my dad and my wingnutters, paultards pals. Unless they start some shit, then El Pinchey breaks out the AR15.
There’s milk and then there’s soy milk. It makes as much sense as O’Douls or decaf.