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You have until 11:59 p.m. to submit your essay to the Washington Post’s “America’s Next Great Pundit” contest, the winner of which receives two doses of Richard Cohen’s “orange” flavor Metamucil! Supposedly the judging and elimination rounds will begin late next week and… oh god… we are just not prepared for this avalanche of comedy. [Washington Post]
2:40 PM
on Wed October 21 2009
By
Jim Newell
2828 Views
Wonkette
Sorry, Jim, your submission indicates you are overqualified for the position.
My submission, “Balloon Boy: A National Crisis” seems a bit dated now. How do I resubmit?
Sorry. The ‘cha cha cha’ portion of your essay is too Latino/immigrant-y and will not be given strong consideration.
Nice work, Jim! If I had to guess, I’d say that you’re ass is definitely in the running.
Jim can’t enter, he’s already a pundit. So…..he have to wait the RePundit contest.
RANDOM PARAGRAPH GENERATOR:
http://watchout4snakes.com/CreativityTools/RandomParagraph/RandomParagraph.aspx
shortsshortsshorts: There’s never a baby stuck in a well for week when you need one.
diarrhea and cha-cha-cha? What does punditry have to do with Dancing with the Stars? Unless this is some sort of comment on Tom Delay’s dancing being like diarrhea, which is about right.
“Contest open only to individuals who are legal residents of, and eligible to work in, the fifty (50) United States and the District of Columbia from the time of entry through May 1, 2010.”
The ongoing discrimination against Puerto Rico, Guam, American Samoa, and the US Virgin Islands continues. Is the Washington Post not prepared for the hard truth delivered straight from the gritty streets of Christiansted?
Also, I’ll be dead in the cold, cold ground before I recognize Missoura.
Now Jim, you should know that correctly spelling “diarrhea” automatically disqualifies you.
Random paragraph results:
[i]Why can’t the plastic telephone lurk in horseshit? Horseshit malfunctions. Horseshit sings in Sarah Palin. The request bends horseshit under the confidence. Sarah Palin borders horseshit underneath a trivial highlight.[/i]
Ummm, wouldn’t elimination occur immediately following the two doses of Richard Cohen’s “orange” flavor Metamucil?
american mutt: OH MY GOD, there goes my afternoon.
The real challenge for the judges will be weeding out Broder’s pseudonymous entries.
american mutt: Great tool! Here are the results for “pederasty” and “television”:
Pederasty dooms a characteristic next to the accident. Television fingers the sung peasant opposite the viewer. The extremist fathers television over the cased book. Pederasty bridges any rain. Television retires pederasty underneath an invalid.
“elimination round” Ha ha.
shortsshortsshorts: Extemporanus: They say necessity is the mother of invention.
There’s really only five types of pundits the WaPo is looking for these days:
Seinfeld-esque Pundit Whine
What’s the deal with healthcare today?
Faux George S. Patton Pundit
Kill’em all I say! Kill’em all while I stay in the rear with the gear.
The Kristoff School Pundit
I’m really thinking that a Chevy Corvair is a really safe car.
The Beltway Pundit with an Axe to Grind and some Racial Demons in the closet
Isn’t that dark fellow in the WHITE House an asshole for picking on the interests I whore for? That’s so wrong especially from a negro.
Dicky Cohen Depends Pundit
I’m an old feeble coot who never really understand the world and I don’t care to, but I want my opinions to matter! Besides, making fun a deadly incompetent admin and lapdog media is neither fun nor funny. Where’s my prunes?
american mutt: this is how Sarah Palin writes her speeches?
“Butt sex reverts. Butt sex bells the clean scotch across a follower. Clarence Thomas enjoys a read victim. Clarence Thomas invests a drill behind the insidious wife. Why can’t butt sex lose within Clarence Thomas?”
Indeed.
Here is my submission:
The Muslins are bad. They is lying all the time and hating our freedom. the America should bomb them some moar. Dick Cheney said torture is ok, because he is a good man.
Do you think I’m gonna make the finals?
V572625694:
heh:
“Pizza toys with urology. Urology pins the relaxing author against the impractical tobacco. The marital animal fingers a knee. A favoring teenager notes the learned relevance. The observer fiddles past the brother! Urology treks a sophisticate.”
I simply do not care for “cha cha”.
american mutt: HA!
“Broder” + “felch” =
“When can the checked shadow arrest the conservative? Broder chalks against felch. Broder disappoints felch before the interpreted gut. Broder studies behind felch.”
Jim Demintia: Work in “Patriot”, “Moran” and “Libertiez” and I think that’s a weiner!
american mutt: Here’s mine:
“Epistemology defines the shits beneath the zone. Epistemology toasts the shits. Epistemology purges the standpoint. Epistemology earns the shits around a notable doctrine. Epistemology devastates the shits.”
It’s about epistemology and the current WashPo pundit line-up.
freakishlystrong: Sweet! Richard Cohen is going to have to step up his game!
Trucknutz crashes! How will trucknutz decline underneath the geometry? Why does a compromise cheat trucknutz? When will trucknutz indulge against trig palin? Trig palin blinks trucknutz beneath the rarest student. The arcade colors opposite an orbital!
Bitches can just give me the prize now. Thanks american mutt!
american mutt: Actually, I find that setting this Greeking script to ‘Hillbilly’ produces prose beyond compare.
http://www.duckisland.com/GreekMachine.asp?strLanguage=hillbilly&strParag=3&oStyle=1
american mutt:
“A wartime pounds the orchestral bond near the racist. Meghan reads throughout Wonkette. A chaos tables Meghan. Whatever analogy spites Meghan.”
?!
“Why won’t someone listen to me?”
Orly Taitz Esquire
I just read Jim’s latest re-write, and I have to say, the piece is coming along quite nicely:
“A prescribed tree breathes underneath a cyclist. A coast rubs diarrhea. Cha-cha-cha indexes diarrhea. How can diarrhea squeeze cha-cha-cha? Why won’t diarrhea riot inside cha-cha-cha? Cha-cha-cha cries on top of diarrhea.”
Diarrhea Riot and the Cha-Cha-Chas are the shit!
The manned paperback shines a squad. The linked cheer recovers bukkake with the stirring tragedy. The syntactic dependence beams beneath bukkake. Bukkake sneaks under Sarah Palin. Sarah Palin clogs after bukkake.
Why yes, yes, she does.
ManchuCandidate: There’s a place for Cokie Roberts, too:
“I’m stating the obvious. I’m stating it repeatedly and emphatically. I see problems. I see dark clouds. Woooo!
american mutt: “Without the alert dictatorship crashes the painless chord. The waved parent disorders an academic. The designated committee dances the champagne around a condemning predecessor. Post pulses with failure. My intense idiom entitles your chemistry. How will Post quibble? Whatever further laboratory rattles over the peanut suicide. When will Post iron the presumed brush? Post volunteers near the abysmal circular. Post explains failure.”
The mailed maze enters under corruption. Corruption remembers the tin result. Across the fragile sea dines corruption. The independence explodes beneath the satisfying expertise. Acorn studies under corruption.
“Why won’t the grand cheat crush the labeled arena? The flag scratches pundits throughout a preface. Should an equilibrium ink pundits? Can the protecting cheese bite a directive? Before the spotted transcript grows pundits. When can the mass hope with the mania? “
How does 400 words minus four leave you with 285? The bar is way too low at WaPo.
Isn’t this where they let George Will prattle on about how shameful it is to wear dungarees & David Broder, well, just prattle…. How picky can they be?
Like William Faulkner, only BETTER!
Flinging poop weds over the merging potato. Does the rough outrage fudge? Orly Taitz footnotes the linguistic clearance behind the drunk variance. A tourist pops the cult after the plus thread. Flinging poop nicknames the farthest scroll beside the bag. Orly Taitz parades across flinging poop.
american mutt:
“Next to Going Rogue sings Penis!. Going Rogue monkeys with Penis!. Penis! shelters Going Rogue near the regret. Will Going Rogue comfort Penis!? ”
I await Oprah’s call to schedule my appearance on her show to promote my masterpiece.
Is this an officially-sanctioned WarBlogging (r) event?
Extemporanus: He goes on to write:
“Cha-cha-cha harms the snack underneath the composed meal. Diarrhea aids cha-cha-cha. The insufficient machinery reasons without diarrhea. Why can’t cha-cha-cha intervene before the promising prerequisite? The dread asterisk crawls.
Underneath the visible anatomy boils the enlightening departure. A neighborhood fears the railway over an exploding slot. The cousin reflects without any flavor! Around cha-cha-cha freezes diarrhea. Will cha-cha-cha choose beside diarrhea?
Diarrhea expenses the remedy without an undesirable puzzle. Cha-cha-cha abides. The pinched mystery crawls. The numeral glances the union science. Cha-cha-cha hurts after diarrhea.”
Cha-cha-cha abides, indeed.
Balloon Juice did a great take on this contest- “Slouching Towards Munich”
http://www.balloon-juice.com/?p=28138
PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE:
Skoalrebel, if you are reading this, please enter this contest. Please become legitimately famous, like Levi Johnston but not as hot. Oh, and become a liberal after you knock up Michelle Malkin. Thanks!!
Here’s a start. Not entirely random but well under the word limit and I only invoked R.C. one time:
Demint arrives in DeLay. The long-ago lunchtime multiplies under a radius. How does impotence go solo? When can Bowzer beg Broder? The routine inhabitant leans into a communal percentage. Felecia dips lips without the fever. Hardihood orientates the foot into her drill.
A wandering consultant devastates Wittgenstein. A bible invokes wetlands. Corndog breeds hardihood. Poverty train hosts the farewell, mise-en-scene attends.
When can the owner refresh scholarship? Delinquency dictates, gladdens consolation. Mailbox emerges upside the ballet.
Junkfood blinks on top of my circuitry. Every inverted trail divines a vicar. Poignant yet macabre, I strike haiku underneath the squashed upstairs as accused Ashberys the cool bookshop.
If a wash could fiddle, a sufferer might flush a regional heaven beside the effect. Why does space speculate near time? The unconscious reverts behind a magazine. Horticulture dashes inside the elite arrival.
The detective rewards dust. Will the above stress score into Falstaff? A pencil shies opposite the observing faith but prawns mayn’t prosecute without horticulture.
While supplier stirs above stapler, peculiarity probes particularity beneath the Wednesday transcript. Bimbos disguise muscularity around sundown. Traffik offends opposite the minimalist. Let Casey warn a graphic component! Won’t lovers revolt now!
Richard Cohen sucks donkeys.
“Will the kernel play? Labia prosecutes demagoguery. Demagoguery overflows within labia. Labia spins after the blame. The phoenix underlines labia with a gesture. Demagoguery confuses labia.”
DEMAGOGUERY CONFUSES LABIA!
Neoyorquino: Proving that you, sir or madame, are too clever to win the contest.
queeraselvis v 2.0: Yeah, but this is how Grisham writes his “novels,” so don’t tell anyone else.
I wouldn’t wipe my fecal stained perineum with anything Cohen has ever written.
I wouldn’t wipe Trig’s bottom with the WaPo, also.
I once failed to win $200 in a pen-and-paper-send-it-through-the-post contest eerily similar to that on offer from the WaPo. It was actually limited to one sentence on a “topic of current news interest” (or something like that) to which I submitted the following:
I place the tea cup in the saucer and it clatters like a death rattle passing through an unknown soldier.
I’m still annoyed that I didn’t win.
user-of-owls: Actually, it’s “Mother is the necessity of invention”.
chaste everywhere: I wasn’t sure where you going with that but then it pulled it all together in the end. Very provocative.
I just submitted an essay that ends with the line: The broke saga scripts Sarah Palin.
[i]Post enters diarrhea. The constant illiterate advances underneath a rhyme. In an urge rests a hopeless prize. The publisher withdraws into the chancellor! Post rephrases the insight across its giving bandwidth. Post cables diarrhea. The tower vanishes outside the twisting comfort. Post beams above diarrhea.
Does Post joke beside diarrhea? Whatever collective splits with the theater. An aged paint boils below diarrhea. The journalist injects Post before the winter rabbit. The thorough beloved spans the magic clause. Diarrhea originates! Post portrays the eye. The accepted pun attacks the censorship. Diarrhea zooms after Post. Post poses as diarrhea across a landlord.[/i]
american mutt: hey, works pretty good! I used “Sarah Palin” and “failure.”
My entry:
Barak Obama has stated that President George Washington is an idol of his; The New Yorker even featured a caricature of Mr. Obama as President Washington as a cover during his first week in office. The two men could not be more different, however, and Mr. Obama should quickly find another former president to emulate.
Washington was no ordinary man; he stood between 6’8” and 12 stories tall and weighed between 2000 and 2240 pounds. Obama is a mere 6’1” and around 165 lbs. Size is not the most important distinction, however. Washington was known to patrol Virginia on a horse made of crystal, carrying a small schnauzer in his hands. He was kind to most all children, except for British children – he once watched silently as a school for British children burned to the ground. Washington is famous for crossing the Delaware and inventing cocaine. He had two wigs; one sat atop the other. He had a brain for his heart and engaged in intercourse with bears.
Washington was a samurai by trade prior to the presidency; he is rumored to have killed his sensei but he never stated his reasoning. George Washington was made of radiation, as we all learned in elementary school. At a White House party he once put an opponent’s wife’s hand in a jar of acid.
So, in summation, Barak Obama can claim none of these feats and should either switch to another president to emulate or try growing several feet and save a lot more children (but not British children).
(ripping off: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l7iVsdRbhnc)
american mutt: Obviously you WIN the AFTERNOON.
A laughing pointer gossips outside the gnome. Ronald Reagan edits Ronald Reagan opposite a nasty prototype. Why does the biggest woman tread his compound thought? Ronald Reagan dusts Ronald Reagan opposite an engaged sugar. A distinctive mint smells on top of Ronald Reagan.
Shouldn’t they reserve the spot for Joe the Plumber?
american mutt:
Thanks for your kind words, and best of luck to all of us in days to come.
petehammer:
You’d get my vote, if I had one.
I should think the Elimination Rounds would be held AFTER the Metamucil has been disbursed.
american mutt: Today we are all Gertrude Stein. Let us rejoice.
Should a shaking appendix alert Gertrude Stein? Gertrude Stein pours rejoice opposite the receiver. Gertrude Stein headlines an innocence. Your incompetent thinks next to rejoice.
It puts the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.
Esau Wood sawed wood. Esau Wood would saw wood. All the wood Esau Wood saw, Esau Wood would saw. In other words, all the wood Esau saw to saw, Esau sought to saw. Oh, the wood Wood would saw! And, oh the wood-saw with which Wood would saw wood! But one day, Wood’s wood-saw would saw no wood, and thus the wood Wood sawed was not the wood Wood would saw if Wood’s wood-saw would saw wood. Now, Wood would saw wood with a wood-saw that would saw wood, so Esau sought a saw that would saw wood. One day, Esau saw a saw saw wood as no other wood-saw Wood saw would saw wood. In fact, of all the wood-saws Wood ever saw saw wood, Wood never saw a wood-saw that would saw wood as the wood-saw Wood saw saw wood would saw wood, and I never saw a wood-saw that would saw as the wood-saw Wood saw would saw until I saw Esau Wood saw wood with the wood-saw Wood saw saw wood. Now Wood saws wood with the wood-saw Wood saw saw wood.
I actually submitted something, but, unlike the rest of you, I submitted a “serious” piece based upon a paper that I wrote for grad school. If I indeed win the competition — and I might indeed win, because I am not a slobbering idiot Washington Post reader who likes to have buttsecks with the handle of a toilet plunger — I am absolutely committed to writing an opinion piece about SNARK in politics and how SNARK is necessary and SNARK is good and David Denby can go take a long walk off of a short pier. And I will do this ALL FOR YOU SHEEPLE.
A paragraph for Rudy:
Around the slogan abides 9-11. The economy rails 9-11 opposite the leader. On top of the inhibited chorus plays the productive wood. 9-11 executes an abused greed inside the knight. A catalog stirs 9-11 above another bulb. 9-11 rocks!
“Productive wood” indeed!
“Scary Movie” said the most ignorant person always gets interviewed; apparently that means that the most extremely ignorant of all end up as media pundits.
This random paragraph generator is all well and dandy, but it pales by comparison to the Postmodern Essay Generator, which I will be submitting a randomly selected paragraph from.
http://www.elsewhere.org/pomo/
american mutt: Well done….
“Washington targets Sarah Palin. The opera bucks the average underneath the glove. Washington matures throughout Sarah Palin. Your nerve disappears!”
And one for the prez & VP:
“Obama drowns Joe Biden. Joe Biden charges Obama in a degrading wrapper. Above each wife triumphs Obama. Why can’t the egg reassure the backward liver?”
Indeed.
You mean this was a REAL contest–to share the same page as goofball morons such as George Will, Charles Krautheimer (sp?), Richard Cohen, Eugene Robinson, Henry Kissinger and Fred Barnes, or whatever his name is? Really?
Who the frickin’ hell would ever want their name attached to a column on the same page as these idiots?
And who thought this was a good promotion? Peggy Noonan?
Really—can someone check the water in the executive suites at the Post, because it’s slowly killing their brain cells down there, day by day.
Don’t get us started on this week’s “re-design.”
Barrelhse: That’s funny! Funnier than a Cohen column!!
Zadig: Ah yes. I was looking for that one.
Zadig: Hell yes, I managed to score one called “The Postcultural Paradigm of Reality in the works of Joyce” in which one section is on “Joyce and Libertarianism.” Comin’ atcha, Paultards!
ok, I read entries all over the internet and Wonkettes timely, relevant and thoughtful piece wins hands down.