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Same basic ideaAre you all geared up for the upcoming State Policy Network (SPN) Annual Meeting in Asheville, North Carolina? Bro come on! The SPN is a network of wingnut think tanks and organizations throughout the country that helps “advance a free society by providing leadership development, management training and networking opportunities for think tank professionals and by promoting strategic partnerships among market-oriented organizations.” STRATEGY, MARKETS, NETWORKS, TRAINING, LEADERSHIP, MANAGEMENT, CUM, COCKS, DOLLA DOLLA BILLS. If you are that particular flavor of “douche” that specializes in lacking self-awareness, you belong to the SPN! Let’s see what rad parties some of the SPN members will be throwing during their annual meeting… oh look, a Toga Party! Hilarious forwarded invite, below.

Subject Line:

Toga Celebration at the SPN Annual Meeting ~ Invitation

Dear Minions of the SPN Empire:

It has sadly come to my attention that many of the younger members of our Freedom Movement have never watched “Animal House” and may not understand the cultural significance of a Toga Party. Here I’ll blame public education and their parents breast feeding them too long while watching Oprah. Sadder still are the older, goodie-two-shoes, pencil-neck types in our movement who only used a beer bong in college to hold their protractors and HP calculators. I won’t mention people like Joe Lehman or Lynn Harsh so as not to embarrass their colleagues.

To right these wrongs you are hereby ordered to join me at the Toga Celebration in Asheville, within the SPN Annual Meeting! Yours truly serves as Emperor of Ceremonies. The festivities take place Tues., Nov. 3, 10:00 pm to 1:00 am (10:00 pm to 10:15 pm for Gisele Huff to lessen any sexual harassment lawsuits). You will celebrate with me in festive toga fashion – or to the Coliseum and lions for you.

Toga Celebration minutiae, approved by me, Emperor of Ceremonies:

* In honor of Animal House, all party entrants must wear a toga at the festivities. And by the way, wearing pants with a toga is like wearing suspenders and a belt; or as we say in Colorado, pulling a “Gary Palmer.”
* Those who don’t sport a toga will be thoroughly embarrassed by a roaming rogue troupe of Cirque du Soleil rejects.
* You should bring your toga from home (someone needs to tell Carl Helstrom that’s just a bed sheet). This likely means we get to see Kurt Weber wearing something with a Spiderman theme
* A Best Toga Contest will take place for males, females and asexual Mackinac employees.
* A rigged jury will likely declare me the Best Toga Contest winner (for males)
* Orgy to follow the Toga Celebration, location TBA (no toga required)
* SPN’s attorneys “encouraged” me to state: This isn’t an SPN thing. The Toga Celebration is hosted by: Students for Liberty, Foundation for Economic Education, Institute for Humane Studies and Liberty on the Rocks.

Do join me, Emperor of Ceremonies, for much needed think-tank bacchanal. Attached is a Love is Hell cartoon to help launch the Toga Celebration spirit.

So let it be written, so let it be done.

Emperor of Ceremonies

Jon Caldara

President, Independence Institute

Sounds like a great place to get raped!

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82 COMMENTS

  1. * Orgy to follow the Toga Celebration, location TBA (no toga required)

    Mrow. Sounds like the deleted scenes from Caligula. Which brave member (wokka wokka) of our Wonketteratti will crash this thing and take pictures, for America???

  2. Oh lookie! Lord God King BuFu has a blog. Nice pornstache, also. Perfect for hiding the stretch marks around his mouth from sucking off 13-year-old Cub Scouts.

  3. This guy seems to actually think he’s being funny and cool, instead of just coming off as a total douchey, aging frat-boy.

    Oh ho, that Giselle, always forcing the guys to sexually harass her!

    It’s sand that the word “liberty” now turns me off, since it’s been so co-opted by Randroid assholes who don’t know the meaning of the word.

  4. Toga party?

    If you look at their site and their conference schedule, which is available as a Word doc and not as an actual web page, you’d see fantastic topics such as these:

    *Operation Great Communicator: Based on the Television Techniques of Ronald Reagan
    *Fundraising “In These Troubled Times”
    *Of Microphones and Megaphones: Move from the Soapbox to the Airwaves
    *Tech Playground – What the Geeks are Up To
    *I ♥ Budgeting and Insurance
    *Standing Tall when Under Fire – How to Deal with Public Attacks
    *Bringing Reform to the Ivory Tower

    I don’t think I’ve seen a group of people outside of Mormons, Lawrence Welk, and the Hoover administration that seemed so uncool and out of touch with their times.

  5. I’m sure everyone there secretly believes they’re Otters when in fact they’re Flounders.

    The Tink Tank motto can be summed up from Animal House
    “You fucked up, you trusted us.”

  6. [re=440658]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: He looks like a total bear.

    Also, your name is Caldara, there’s a photo of lava in your masthead, but you don’t call your blog “The Caldera.” Is that supposed to be ironic?

  7. I see that Caldera knows how to use those Internet pipe thingies as well as anyone in the Republican party these days:

    http://www.joncaldara.com/about/

    “his is an example of a WordPress page, you could edit this to put information about yourself or your site so readers know where you are coming from. You can create as many pages like this one or sub-pages as you like and manage all of your content inside of WordPress.”

  8. [re=440657]PsycGirl[/re]: This will probably end in a circle of drunk, toga-clad white boys yelling at the only black guy (Michael Steele?) to show them his dong.

  9. [re=440676]coolcatdaddy[/re]: Yes, but did you notice there were two “About”s in his masthead? I guess the Emperor has too many accolades to fit on one internet page.

  10. [re=440668]ManchuCandidate[/re]:

    -You should listen to him, he’s pre-law.
    -I thought he was pre-med.
    -Same difference.

    Pre-law, pre-med, and 150% douche.

  11. “This will probably end in a circle of drunk, toga-clad white boys yelling at the only black guy (Michael Steele?) to show them his dong.”

    I thought that’s how Steele got his post at the RNC…

  12. 1st Para: Well, that’s a bizarre supposition. My parents are enormous libtards and I watched Delta House’s antics from the cradle.
    The rest of this message makes utterly no sense to me. Who the hell are all these people?

  13. I can tell you from experience that “Bringing Reform to the Ivory Tower” means giving full credit in these two situations:

    Exam question 1: Describe the data that suggest homosexuality is genetically determined. It ain’t, The Bible says its wrong so people cain’t be born with it.

    <Exam question 2: Describe the process of natural selection in evolution No such thing, I don’t believe in it and therefore I don’t have to learn about it.

  14. Why would someone who wants to have sex soooo badly hold such a dim view of titty-sucking? It’s as though this isn’t about opposite-sexytime at all…

  15. [re=440667]coolcatdaddy[/re]:

    *Operation Great Communicator: Based on the Masturbatory Techniques of Shoom Shoom Raygun
    *Fundraising “In These Troubled Bottoms”
    *Of Microphones and Greased Bananas: Move from the Soapbox to the Bedroom
    *Tech Playground – What the Geeks are Up To with Their Bottoms
    *I ♥ Budgeting and Insurance and Attending Gay Toga Parties with My Pornstache
    *Standing Tall when Under Fire – How to Deal with Bukkake
    *Bringing Reform to the Glistening Ivory Tower

    Fixed

  16. [re=440653]Pithaughn[/re]: No, Gisele Huff will be there, for 15 minutes, during which time she will choose a mate. She will then take him back to her hotel room, fuck and eat him.

  17. Since this event will undoubtedly be attended by only needy white males, the after orgy will just be a Bukkake on Brent Bozell party.
    Sorry about that imagery.

  18. [re=440658]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: omg, that’s nasty. Ugh, I’m getting flashbacks to the guy who used a picture for his manhunt profile that was taken 20 years earlier. Puke.

  19. Ummm. Have any of these people BEEN to Asheville? I think the saying is, “everyone goes queer when they go to Asheville.” Or maybe it was “you’re weird/abnormal if your hair is only one color and you have less than 5 tattoos.” Or maybe it was something about being one of the most liberal places on the east coast (“San Francisco of the east”).

    Yup, this plan was very well thought out.

  20. “It has sadly come to my attention that many of the younger members of our Freedom Movement have never watched “Animal House””

    Because it’s just another product of Communist Hollywood, a smear campaign against fine, regular, decent Americans like those in Omega Theta Pi!

    Seriously, what kind of epic cognitive dissonance must they go through to believe that they, the Man, the establishment, the “moral majority,” can somehow relate to the heroes of that movie?

  21. [re=440657]PsycGirl[/re]: Scheduled orgies allow the host to lay out more condoms, booze, etc… so try planning your next one – it’s brilliant.

  22. I bet this right wing fascist, conservative guy makes his “I’m cool” reference to Animal House because the movie was all about lauding the right wing, facist, war mongering, conservative college administration and reviling the 60s-rebel, liberal frat guys, who were the villians.

    Oh wait.

  23. [re=440667]coolcatdaddy[/re]: You say “fantastic topics” in what appears to be a sarcastic tone. Please reconsider. Don’t you think much good would come about if they followed the strategic advice: “Standing Tall when Under Fire”?

    Colonel Lou: Heavy incoming fire!
    Private in foxhole: What should we do?
    Colonel Lou: Stand up, of course! Stand tall!

  24. This seems like an inefficient allocation of scarce resources. They have pretty much already sewn up the fat, drunk and stupid demographic.

  25. It depresses me that this bunch of little fascists are all set to defile the beautiful town of Asheville. Honestly, it is one of the nicest cities in the country. For gawd’s sakes, Leonard Cohen has a gig here!

  26. Please tell me this is being held at the Grove Park Inn, in Asheville.

    If so, there’s a chance that someone in a toga might fall into the giant fireplace in the lobby…or a drunken toga-er will get lost in the cavernous spa area in the basement.

    As a travel note, Asheville is lovely…and the Grove Park Inn is an interesting combo of historic, kitschy and haunted. I would highly recommend it. Only not when the above douchebags are in town.

  27. [re=440858]PsycGirl[/re]: I can’t remember a balcony…but I do recall an entire wall made out of rocks in the basement…which sucks if you happen to have had one drink too many and bang into the wall. Scratches!
    The old section has a Stephen King vibe to it.

  28. Given how gay this is, shouldn’t it be held in a Log Cabin?

    [re=440773]Guppy06[/re]: “Because [Animal House is] just another product of Communist Hollywood” … starring known drug users. Do you think there will be lots of blow?

  29. [re=440984]yourmom[/re]: Yup, you nailed it. It wasn’t the drunk toga party orgy that everyone laughed at (no pants allowed!) that inspired these comments, not a bit.

    I know you haz a sad because you weren’t invited, but I’m sure if you just show up they’ll be happy to make you the bottom for the orgy. Especially if you’re 14 and male, but I’m guessing this bunch is about as picky as you are. You CAN do three at once, right?

  30. And will they all end up like the bad guy in Animal House who, the little bio at the end says, ended up a Nixon staffer and was “raped in prison”?

  31. Belushi is dead and these white-bread closet goober smoochers aren’t going to bring him back with their little sheet wearing social. Besides, they failed to mention the Cross Burning Finale; always a big hit with these types.

  32. STATE POLICY NETWORK
    PRESS RELEASE

    MEDIA: PLEASE BE ADVISED OF THE STATE POLICY NETWORK CONFERENCE FREE MOVIE SCHEDULE
    PRESS, PUBLIC, AND EVERYONE IS INVITED TO ATTEND THESE FREE SCREENINGS

    Nov. 3, all day and night: La Cage Au Folles (sp?)

    Nov. 4, all day and night: The Birdcage

    Nov. 5, all day and night: Top Gun!!!

    Nov. 6, all day and night: Brokeback Mountain

    Nov. 7, all day and night: To Wong Fu, Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar (with costume contest!!)

    Nov. 8, all day and night: Mamma Mia

    Thanks for the Log Cabin Republicans, Larry Craig and Mark Foley for their assistance in scheduling these films!

    –30–

  33. I think calling this guy a douchebag would be elevating him.
    I love how he mentions how SPN’s attorneys told him to shift liability to those four other groups. I can’t tell if that is a small attempt at wit, an indiscretion on his part for letting on how his lawyers are predicting the party to be a disaster, or some strange mixture of both.

  34. Doesn’t a self-entitled bigot such as yourself have a global warming party or something to go too? I thought you hippies did that sort of stuff all the time?

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