Wonkette
Earlier today your Wonkette wrote, “Well, whichever members of Congress get sick first, we’ll know they’ve been schtupping the pages,” because all of the pages currently have devastating pig AIDS. Now we have a weiner! His name is Greg Walden (R-OR) and you can see him growing marijuana, on Twitter. Oops! [Twitter, The Hill]
Seclusion at Walden Pond is really no hardship this time of year.
Buds need harvesting!
He will miss the rousing health care debate that could cure him, though.
So is this it? Are all the politicians going to die now? Will the President declare martial law? Will some of the national guard units refuse orders from the military? Will the militias step up to “keep the peace?” FEMA camps? Hoot owls? Sarah Palin on the dead white horse? Is this the start of all that?
I am just glad it’s a tweeting twat.
I wonder if Mark Foley has been working on an instruction manual. Possible title: Working through the Pages.
The Dalles is worse than H1N1. It’s Hood River’s meth mouth cousin.
PsycGirl: So, Walden took a page out of Foley’s gay book?
I was going to say what ForTheTurnstiles was going to say. I would rather have Swine Flu than have to live with Greg Walden.
At least that’s what he’s going to tell the wife when he explains that she has to take the medicine too. Who knew that swine flu gave you a burning discharge?
If we could get a list of the page’s names, we could have a betting pool of which Congressmen would get teh Pig AIDS, and when.
I call Larry Craig and Mark Foley for the over-and-under.
And he’s doomed, too, because his health coverage is provided by the government! Sayonara, suckah!!
Isn’t it time for another patriotic painting parody?
PsycGirl: “Turn The Page”
Geez, a little ATM action with a 14-yr-old and all of a sudden a guy has pig aids! Life is just raining shit down on Republicans these days, fo sho.
Umatilla County! #1 rural meth county in the world!
Since the Pig AIDS is disproportionately fatal to the young and healthy, this’ll be a boon to the sickly old child-molesting Republicans — fewer witnesses.
@Jim:
As a best practice, one should compliment the phrase “schtupping her” with a back-and-forth forward motion of the forearm and fist.
*complement
nosnikreplliw:
Umatilla County! #1 rural meth county in the world!
What is it about meth that makes people vote for republican?
I mean, besides the stupidity?
Advocatus_Diaboli: They have in common a propensity to self indulge without considering long term implications or consequences of such actions?
Oh future history books, what have you in store for us? Will this be the winter where millions contract a somewhat less mild version of the flu, or will Cthulu in effect cull the herd & leave but one in ten standing after a long winter of death?
Hamthrax won’t be that big a deal to Walden as it only affects the young and virile.
How long until #IHaveSwineFlu becomes a trending topic?
Advocatus_Diaboli: You get really, really horny on trucker’s special. And desperate. That unrequited-asshole feeling must be what it’s like being a Republican. Ergo, sympathy votes.
AbstinenceOnly Ed: death panels! government health care sucks!
He is standing in line as we speak!
With any luck at all, $arah will contract the pig aids and spread it to the student body and faculty of Hillbilly U.
This is code that his wife/husband/special friend just found out he was cheating on her/him/them.
barneyfunk: That, dear friend, is the kind of thing that just happens. It can not be forced.
posted this a while ago. maybe more appropriate now.
Setting: Not too distant future.
H1N1 is consuming the planet! It dried up the oceans and made deserts of rain forests, etc.
Death and despair blah blah blah.
Glenn Beck (in black face, cuz he’s not racist at all) pleads for his life in his best Towelie the Towel from South Park impression.
Glenn: Oh, lawdy! Halp me Mistah Corprit Healthcaih! I haz teh Pig AIDS! Halp me wif yur medicinlz!
Corporate Healthcare (played by Daniel Day Lewis): BLARRGGHAAAHAAAHAAARRR! FOOLISH HONKY! I DRANK YOUR MILKSHAKE!!!1 DID YOU THINK THAT YOUR UNQUESTIONING LOYALTY TO OUR CAUSE AND UNWAIVERING OPPOSITION TO NOBAMA’S DEATH PANELZ WOULD WIN YOU HEALTH POINTS? NO! NO HEALTH POINTS FOR YOU! WHAT DO YOU THINK WE ARE? A CHARITY?! BEGONE COMMIEFACISTSOCIALISTNAZIMUSLIN! FREEDOM ISN’T FREE! YOU MUST PAY 1TRILLIONWHOREDIAMONDS FOR THE CURE OR BECOME A ZOMBIE IN OUR POSTAPOCALYPTIC UNDEAD ARMY OF ZOMBIES!!!!11 BWAHAHAAAAHAAAAAAAARRRR!!!!!!!!!111!!!!!!!!one!1.!…
Glenn: Oh, boo hoo! Why haz yoo foasakin me, oh mah Corprit Ovalaodz? Who shall halp me nao?
Glenn spots Mr. Government Man .
Glenn: Halp me, Mistah Govmint Man! I haz teh Pig AIDS! I needz me yur anteedoat!
Mr. Government Man: Oh. Well looky who came crawlin’ back wif their tail ‘tween their legs?! You expect me to help after all those tea parties where you was talkin’ smack ‘bout me? Sayin’ I can’t do anythin’ right?! Sayin’ Ima gonna kill granmammy?! Wearin’ my flag as a cape and misspellin’ all them signs? You moran! Here! Take the cure and shove it up your nose!
Glenn: Oh noez! Wy yu so meen?
Mr. Governmetn Man: SHOVE IT UP YOUR NOSE!
Glenn Beck thinks this is a joke, cuz you know how those lefty libtards love themselves the lulz; and not realizing that the vaccine is administered nasally turns into a zombie.
The End.
ForTheTurnstiles: That’s a lot of causation explained.
I think you’ve just advanced the research efforts of Sociology and Political Science departments at pretty much every school in the country.
shadowMark: Well, as the anti-Christ, our beloved Barry the Saboteur should be immune.
There is a very good chance that I have the Pig AIDS, too. I should probably know within a day or so. As much as it pains me to enrich Donald Rumsfeld and, by extension, Matt Latimer, I’m going to take a Tamiflu to be safe.
This sucks, ’cause I didn’t even get any pubescent poon/peen to make it all worthwhile. This is what happens in Obama’s Amerikkka.
GreatOldOnesParty: tldr
http://www.Icanwriteunfunnysnlskit.com is two doors down, on the left, just after the vending machines.
In case the internets all go down and if I’m reading the tweets correctly, here are the important facts for going into the end times:
* Meghan will be on Leno tomorrow
* Friday is Meghan’s birthday, I think she’ll be 25 and spend it in Las Vegas
Okay. As civil order begins its collapse, that is what’s up with Meghan.
shadowMark: Chances are fair that I’ll be in Vegas the same time as Meg McCabe, but I doubt I’ll see her at the car parts place. Guess I’ll have to catch her on Leno like everyone else.
It’s “wiener,” not “weiner,” Jim. Just because Juli can’t spell her own damn name right doesn’t mean we’re changing the lexicon just for her.
Advocatus_Diaboli: The words “funny” and “SNL skit” are no longer grammatically compatible.
He haz teh heinie flu!
Wonkette just got a shout out on Rachel Maddow
GreatOldOnesParty: I’ll show you my public option, if you’ll show me yours.
OT: Watching Shouty Keith’s Countdown & the mealy-mouthed, wishy-washy Charlie Brown of our shameful era, Harry Reid. How the fuck did this human jellyfish ever get into a position of leadership anywhere, much less in the fucking US Senate? Goddamn, I’d really like to take a big swing at him, Sarge. Only if I did my punch would just glance off the oozing slime encasing his soulless meatsack. In the hour of our country’s greatest need since 1945 we’re led by Senator Jellyfish, Ms. Impeachment is Off the Table & President Bipartisan Bullshit. Let the military lead a coup & install Anthony Weiner as Supreme Leader. It’s our only hope.
Wait, what? We have Republicans in Oregon? Since when?
“Meanwhile, the Office of the Attending Physician is scheduled to get its first shipment of H1N1 vaccine on Wednesday, said the Senate Sergeant at Arms Terry Gainer.
Officials are planning to administer the vaccine in accordance with the recommendations given by the CDC, which stipulates that priority be given to pregant women, small children, and people with pre-existing illnesses.”
In other words, pages go to the front of the line, olds (senators) can wait a while…
hobospacejunkie: And where the fuck is terycarl/gigglebox/bugman when we say these kinds of things?
He’ll be back in a few to lecture all of us on how teh gh3y we all are for teh Nobama. How we all want to lick Nancy Pelosi and have a gay-abortion love-in with Mr. Reid.
COME BACK TROLLS!
Extemporanus: That’s a rather sexist remark. Some of the pages are female.
shadowMark: And bad news for the hetero ladies who have a crush on a post-op male Meg:
I love being a woman. I love being a Republican. I am incredibly in touch with both of these things. Neither is going to change.
The lady is just a walking, talking, buxom, semi-literate Phyllis Schlafly doll.
hobospacejunkie: where do i sign up.
Weiner/Grayson 2012
SayItWithWookies: oh fiddlesticks! Meg has no idea what a Republican is.
She thinks they are all rich white people!
sati demise: Hell, I’ll bet she doesn’t even think of herself as rich. She’s down with the little people.
SayItWithWookies: Sometimes when a person feels the need to say something out loud it’s because they sense their subconscious pushing them in the opposite direction and they just can’t yet consciously admit it. So if Meghan is whistling in the dark so loudly about being a “Republican” and a “woman” I’d say there’s a 50/50 chance within a couple of years she may turn into a Democratic man.
Maybe Meghan in her deepest secret soul wants to be Jim…
shadowMark: I’m betting she stops at quietly bicurious Republican. She won’t dare to cross her parents, who will be looming over her shoulder for a long, long time, even after they’re no longer living.
sati demise: No shit! I really hope Weiner has presidential ambitions. He & “Dick” Grayson seem to be the only people in DC with a passion for helping people and who don’t seem beholden to Goldman Sachs or the insurance/health care industries. Which is why the House is probably as far as they’ll ever get in electoral politics.
Having lived in Portland for some time, I can assure you that it is almost impossible to take a picture of a person in Oregon where they are not tending their pot.
And all of those Obama Coups people were worried about death by aspirin, when they should have seen that Obama would just infect all GOP elected officials with a special, militarized form or pig aids. Take that Col. Glen Beck!
Is that the H1NI transmitted through, like, unprotected “intimate contact“? Must know.
— Ralph Reed
idiot son of an asshole: Check under every rock.
Thanks for tweet, Greggy.
Some might say that, suddenly, gono has an alphanumeric code. But no, not moi. Zippo.
I shall ever respect your privacy.
Carrie Prejean (fake) meet Megs McCain (au naturale).
http://www.cnn.com/2009/SHOWBIZ/10/20/miss.california.usa.suit/index.html
How is this fake-boobed, lawsuit-happy woman a conservative icon?
GreatOldOnesParty: A work of genius. Should be on the stage.
petehammer: Sounds like she went rogue, too. Also.
So, is Greg Walden gonna to a Victim Victory Lap on SNL, like the formerly famous Anthrax Tom Daschle? Yellow comedy doesn’t bring the funny as yellow journalism does, but it has its place.
Poor guy. He doesn’t know he’s gonna wake up with a Rovian Pignose tomorrow morning.
Consulting my favorite book on the subject, and one of my faves overall, The Joys of Yiddish by Leo Rosten (I have a 1970 paperback copy that has broken into pieces from repeated use), he encourages “shtup” or “shtoop.” (The sch combo is just too High German for Yiddish.) The word literally means “to push,” as it comes from “stupsen,” the German for “to push,” and is often applied as such to social climbers — but it is more famous for its profane meaning, to fornicate. Yiddish itself is famous for profanity; only Hungarian has more swear words than Yiddish, according to a profanity expert at the University of Chicago. The notion of some birther goy from Oregon with the same name as a pond shtupping anybody is pretty rich.
the problem child: I dunno. Anybody identifying as GOP probably has some sort of preexisting illness.
SayItWithWookies: Based on that last picture she took, I think they’re living in her cleavage.
lawrenceofthedesert: Is he a birther? I thought Oregonians had more sense than that. Feh.
ForTheTurnstiles: I visit the Dalles occasionally, and while I have never, say, seen a meth lab explode, it definitely has that vibe.
lawrenceofthedesert: profanity expert? That’s a real profession? I just found my new calling.
LittlePig: “Turn The Page” must be a pop-up book.
Oh, my God! The entire Oregon Republican delegation to the U.S. Congress has pig AIDS! All of them! All one of them! Soon every state’s Republican Congressional delegation will have pig AIDS, but we still won’t have health care. They’ll just treat themselves with some kind of folk medicine, like Coca-Cola and Tylenol. Then we can do some real governing, when they die.