A Republican candidate for Georgia governor in 2010, John Oxendine, e-mailed political reporters about some epic YouPorn thing he had just shot, one that would destroy the Democratic candidate, former governor Roy Barnes, politically: “A campaign spokesman said the ad ‘demonstrates John Oxendine’s commitment to using innovative, cutting-edge genre to communicate serious messages in creative mediums.” He would reveal this monumental achievement at an event later Thursday night, according to the press release, “at an undisclosed laser-tag facility … closed to the public. After viewing the commercial, the volunteers will enjoy pizza and laser-tag.” Oh, we’re so making you click the clicky for this one…

HAHAHAHAH. Well we could dissect this, or we could use the time to back up this video, because at some point today, someone in John Oxendine’s campaign will realize, “Oh wait… Wait. Shit. We actually made this thing and invited people to watch it. That was a thing that we did. Wow. We really just should have done the opposite of that.”

(Also, does anyone notice a disconnect between the narration and the events depicted from 1:43 to 1:52? Or from 0:00 to 3:52?)

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  1. Now, who is it that can stop the rat again? I don’t think that was mentioned.
    I’m pretty sure the 6th-grade class group that put this together got a C-.

  2. The Ox fixed the problem of the burning house by staring dolefully to the side, then pissing on the flames mightily. Golden showers for everyone!

  3. I can’t believe he didn’t “explain things to Georgia”. Georgia’s stupid. You got to explain shit to it. Christ.

    Also, nice job on finding the world’s creepiest narrator.

  4. “at an undisclosed laser-tag facility … closed to the public. After viewing the commercial, the volunteers will enjoy pizza and laser-tag.”

    Wait, sane, adult humans are running this campaign, right? I mean, the alternative makes just TOO MUCH SENSE. (I have also seen better animation in episodes of The Herculoids.)

  5. Doesn’t this ad make you think “man, it would be cool to go and see some of the cool sites in the world, like the Eiffel Tower, or the Empire State Building, or the Hollywood sign, or…uh…Turner Field, which is in, where, Atlanta? Or something?”

    God, Georgia sucks.

  6. Well, I’ll reserve final judgement for the edited version, but I hope they keep the part about the ox being graceful. That was brilliant. Republicans are cold stealing all the artistic talent in Georgia.

  7. what a load of ox-sierra. if that’s cutting edge, they’ve got themselves one mighty dull saber.

    see, this is what happens when you burn a state to the ground (which catastrophe the ox was clearly incapable of dealing with, qv. 1:43 to 1:52). nearly a century-and-a-half later, and they’re still hopelessly benighted. weep for them.

  8. I’ve seen this before–

    Please do not be alarmed.
    We are about to engage…the nozzle.
    Please do not move while the nozzle . . . is engaging.
    Moving will disrupt calibration of…the nozzle.
    Please wait while we calibrate…the nozzle.
    Please do not look away from…the nozzle.
    The nozzle is now calibrating.
    The nozzle is still calibrating.
    The nozzle has completed calibration.
    Thank you.

  9. Um, they *DO* know that’s not an ox, right? A steer, maybe, but not an ox. If the Georgia Repugs are going to pose as “friends of the farmer,” they might ought to actually visit a farm.

    Please note I don’t even bother to point out that an ox is a castrated adult male of this species…

  10. [re=437393]user-of-owls[/re]: Well if he couldn’t, it’s time to fire your son.

    We have reached the absolute apex of political advertising, people. Nothing will ever be this good again. The best part of all of this was that the guy who made this video was probably feeling so proud of himself as he edited the epic score and bored narration into this animated abortion.

  11. [re=437388]AbstinenceOnly Ed[/re]: You just know this all started when someone forward an app on Facebook that allowed someone to cartoonize their favorite picture of President Ronaldus McDonaldus.

  12. [re=437379]Advocatus_Diaboli[/re]: No shit, I mean c’mon. You simply cannot convince me that at some point, a major candidate for the office of governor turned to his aide after watching this and said, “I like it. Let’s run with it!”

  13. Oh, and congratulations on recycling your Pi Kappa Alpha, Emory chapter frat nickname for these construction-paper abominations. Is Ogre running for Lieutenant Governor??

  14. [re=437408]Autochthon[/re]: Honestly, if Roy Barnes doesn’t refer to him as a castrated cattle for the rest of the campaign, he is missing a golden opportunity. That dude might get so mad that he’ll threaten to take him down to the paintball field and challenge him to a duel.

  15. You know it’s funny, about 3 minutes and 20 seconds in there I was thinking, gee, this looks like something Ronald Reagan did while he was having a senior moment and playing with Wall Street Mailer on his Commodore 64 in 1985.

  16. [re=437431]nbawriter[/re]: Not to mention that “ox” is pretty much synonymous with “slow and dimwitted”…as is, um, amply illustrated by this ad…

  17. Now Roy Barnes knows who’s been scribbling him all those death threats in crayon.

    In typical RepubliFail fashion, King Roy the Rat will probably become a lovable cartoon hero, appearing every week to flummox & fluster his archnemesis, the big dumb Ox. Seriously, no one roots for Wile E. Coyote or Elmer Fudd. We love our pesky cartoon scoundrels.

  18. [re=437444]Extemporanus[/re]: Darling, as a hick I must correct you. Cows have teats (correctly pronounced “TIT” – really), bulls who have not been castrated (that would make them steers) have balls. Sorry for boviating. Go on….

  19. [re=437431]nbawriter[/re]: Paintball? that’s too rough and tumble for a ball-less beast of burden. After their awesome laser tag birthday party (which you are SOOOOOOO not invited to) he will will dual the King Roy….THE RAT, to a brisk game of D&D. 20s will be rolled, and I dare that bastard Rat king to throw a save. The liberal prick.

  20. Why are we paying millions of dollars for firefighters when we could just let cows standing outside burning buildings put out the flames by harnessing the mystical power of Zombie Reagan?

  21. It was lame for sure, but it did a great job of saying “I am for the old confederate flag” without having to say it, as well as visually splitting “liberal” north Georgia from “conservative” south Georgia.

    Sadly, it is both stupid, and it might work.

  22. If that Ox is always there when disaster strikes, has it not occurred to anyone that maybe the ox CAUSED those disasters? Look at that son of a bitch standing by those burning, broken houses. Why is he there? Why would an ox be at the scene? And he’s the only one there, apparently. Very suspicious.

  23. Okay, I’ve actually seen oxen. And there’s not a lot about them that could be considered graceful. Besides, the rat looks like he’d be a helluva lot more fun at parties.

  24. Also, and I forgot to mention this before, but the ox is normal sized, apparently, while …The RAT is gigantic. How would a normal sized ox stand up against what is clearly a mutant… The RAT? If …The RAT can grow to such epic sizes, might it not also have healing powers? Why not? I don’t think the battle with …The RAT is quite as straightforward as the ox guy thinks.

  25. the ‘castrated’ angle is a smart move for the GOP. it’s a guarantee that he won’t be caught having sex with little boys/airport stalls/appalachian trails

  26. [re=437429]Extemporanus[/re]: this looks to be a reference to the 2002 campaign in which the Republican candidate had commercials picturing the Democratic candidate (Roy Barnes, running for re election) as a giant rat and called him “King Roy”. Exactly how these were related to the to each other, let alone the race was unclear, but Barnes was behind the move to get the Confederate flag off the state flag and the neo-confederates did not forgive him for it (the Republican who won, Perdue, didn’t help them either and they were very po’d with him on that score).

  27. [re=437476]Crank Tango[/re]: Okay, I had to look it up since the term is used more broadly now. Appears “ox” can be any kind of cattle – long as it’s a bull without balls. However, this ox also appears to be dickless. So is it a heifer?

  28. Someone….someone was paid to do this? It wasn’t, like, Trig?

    Say what you will about liberal Hollywood, but at least we have some sense of production values.

  29. As the Duke so eloquently put it in Huckleberry Finn, “If that don’t fetch ’em, I don’t know Arkansaw!”

    Or in this case, Jawga.

    The guy who first came up with this “King Rat” tag for Barnes was Sonny Perdue – who defeated Barnes and is now the current governor.

    So yeah, this will work.

  30. [re=437450]PrairiePossum[/re]: I thought it might have been electronically slowed down. It’s got some of that sound we older ones recognize as “tape dragging”. But no, it’s probably just Jaw-Juh.

  31. See, once again I underestimated the stupidity of an elected official(or someone who wants to be an elected official) in the South. The content is bad and the “art” is worse.

  32. And Reagan’s philosophy was what? I’d watch it again just to be sure (except that I wouldn’t be able to stand it) but I’m pretty certain he said that “faith, family and strength” (or some shit like that) was a philosophy. And while three nouns and a conjunction probably qualify as a philosophy of Kantian nuance in Republican circles, everyone else out here in realityland knows that’s nothing more than some nitwit fingerpainting with pretty ideas.

  33. That is hands-down the funniest thing I’ve seen in recent memory. Though on a serious note, he just nailed down the inbred Georgia retard vote, and thus will win by a landslide.

  34. i dozed off at my desk after lunch (i’m an air traffic controller) and had the strangest dream. i dreamed i was at a crossroads at midnight, a full moon shining above. i saw in front of me two shadowy animals, one small and one large. the small one was a rat, and it looked up at the large one, an elephant, and it said, “are you out of your foxtrotting mind?” then i woke up. i have no idea what this dream means.

  35. From the Atlanta Journal Constitution:

    State Insurance Commissioner John Oxendine made a move on the 14-year-old Game Boy vote last night, with this cartoon slam below aimed at former Gov. Roy Barnes.

    And that’s from the reporter.

  36. [re=437538]Click[/re]: oh well, where I come from they want to breed chickens with four wings, so I can’t really talk. And I have too much of a headache too keep up with your puns! Where’s that medical mj…

  37. I feel like they’re trying to make some kind of reference to Chinese astrology here, to capture the all-important Chinese-American vote in Georgia. Perhaps they think that the vast majority of Georgians eat at cheap chinese restaurants with those paper placemats.

  38. This was totally made by some Georgia College Republican while he was at home not getting laid on a Saturday night and thought he would do something righteous for the cause.

  39. [re=437523]Judas Peckerwood[/re]: skoalrebel?

    This would’ve been a lot funnier if “The Ox” woke up in Candy Mountain missing a kidney.

  40. Wow, this reminds me of that time I was playing Grand Theft Rodent and the sinister nOx syndicate was kicking my ass because of low frame rate.

    Who am I kidding? That horrible vid was funny as hell.

  41. Man, that loserbus just threw in every single buzzword that make the monkeys dance, didn’t he? Put that ox on the health care train tracks!

  42. I would apologize for Georgians, since I feel vaguely responsible as a long-time resident of Atlanta, but these things just happen too often. By now, I’m like “Oh, more retardation. Whatever.”

  43. That might have worked in Obama’s White house….
    That might have worked in Hollywood…
    That might have worked in France…..

    C’mon. That is some clever shit people.

  44. Oh, sweet! This reminds me of some really badass animation I made on my school’s Apple II back in 6th grade. Great to see GA public school computer labs are continuing the grand tradition pushing technology to the limits.

  45. For the last 15 years Ol’ John has been our insurance commissioner. He was pretty much invisible in the job, no one was ever really sure just what the insurance commissioner actually did…I figure it involved a lot of lunch meetings with executives from GEICO or Nationwide or the like… Since he was never indicted or on the 6-O’Clock news associated with a major scandal we kept re-electing him. With qualifications like these he is at least as good as anyone else currently running for Governor.

    Maybe that would make a good campaign slogans…

    Vote for John Oxendine, he’s never been indicted.
    Oxendine for Governor…You’ll never notice he’s there.

  46. Man, that must have been one heckuva party. Feel so bad I wasn’t invited. But at least I got to see the state-of-the-art ad here, and now I’m thinking maybe I’ll leave the state of Balloon Boy, and go to the land of. . .Tttthhhhe Raaat. Or TTTThhhhheeee OOOxxxx.

  47. “Heeeee’s baaaack!” will haunt my dreams forever.

    I love the part where the (clip-art) state of Georgie opens its gaping maw and vomits forth money, though. Fuck Piss Christ, send some NEA money to Oxendine pronto, we need a sequel (“The Ox Goes to Washington”, perhaps?).

    Also, Oxendine sounds like some sort of pharmaceutical, maybe to treat bladder control issues or something.

  48. Only the Ox has human emotions. The Rat has no human emotion.
    The Ox cares about families. The Rat only wants to tax families.
    The Ox is enraged that Rush Limbaugh was not allowed to buy The Ram.
    The Rat believes that the NFL has the right to decide who can buy The Ram.
    The Ox is The Son of God.
    The Rat is Satan, himself.
    Good Night Childrens.

  49. After spending over THREE AND A HALF MINUTES watching this soporifically narrated slideshow, I’m left with the following: the Ox is strong, loud, and graceful (!), whereas the Rat is ginormous, can fly, and has a really cool prehensile tail. I gotta tell you, at this point, I’m leaning Rat.

  50. +1 for the Cyclorama.

    Oxendine himself is the John McCain of Georgia motoring.

    Our current goober-in-chief is a jesus-goblin who doesn’t want you to drink on th’ lawd’s day and has done nothing else in eight years except stocking trout ponds, attempting to redraw state borders with our kissing cousins in Tennessee, and fuck teachers out of guaranteed-by-law bonuses for extra certifications which they paid for out-of-pocket. Wait, he’s also furloughing state employees, so he has that going for him, which is nice. Never mind the unsecured sweetheart loans he got while in office to expand his own business. Or that his party has spent eight years giving Cleveland Steamers to public transportation (WHERE’S MY TRAIN YOU FAT BALD GREEDHEAD MOTHERFUCKER?)

    Given that his praying for rain at the capitol a year or two ago is now turning into too much of a good thing, I am confident that Oxendine will add Chinese astrology to the mix when he is elected. Next time there’s a drought, fuck watering restrictions and bust out that copy of the I Ching.

  51. Man, the image at 1:11 is priceless. Only someone from the GOP would think of an image of a giant rat dry humping the Capital building as sperm rains down from the skies. “And the Academy Award for Mindfucked Multimedia Presentations goes to…”

  52. This is what happens when your creative team gleans their best ideas from Chinese restaurant placemats. (This would have been wayyyyy better as a Cock vs. Tiger fight, BTW.)

  53. Oh, Lord. For y’all who don’t follow Georgia politics, here is a primer:

    Roy Barnes was the last Democratic governor of Georgia, and made the huge mistake of letting everybody in the state legislature know how stupid they are, while ramming through a MAMMOTH amount of legislative reform (nearly all good), to do stuff like fix the transportation system and schools. But being that smart had the effect of making him an arrogant SOB, and he pissed off the teachers, who didn’t turn out for the election, and let Sonny “Pray for Rain” Perdue get elected. Perdue was the Republican candidate because no competent Republicans thought there was any chance of beating Barnes. Sonny had recently become a Republican only because The Coloreds hadn’t given him the leadership job in the State Senate he wanted.

    Roy also got beat by the Flaggers, because he put together a back-door group to change the state flag to something inoffensive by taking the big Confederate battle flag off it, saving the state tourism industry from the sort of boycotts that have hurt South Carolina. Flaggers are far more patriotic to the CSA than to the USA or Georgia (which refused to send state troops to fight in Virginia, btw, during The Wah). Sonny infamously created the King Roy the Rat commercials, which were widely ridiculed until he shockingly won.

    Oxendine is an effeminate crypto-mulatto, who has faithfully served the insurance companies for many years as the state’s insurance commissioner (when not carrying their water, he likes to pretend to be the State Fire Chief, too, right down to having lights and siren on his car). He does not realize that a) an ox is a particularly stupid, neutered beast of burden, and b) the Homestar Runner guys live in Atlanta and could probably be hired to make him some competent flash animation.

    I bring up the mixed-race heritage only because Oxendine spazzes out when people mention it; he think he white.

  54. [re=437749]eclecticbrotha[/re]: lol. Or showing a picture of Ted Turner Ballpark while saying the rat is bringing liberals back to Georgia – oh, you mean and bring back the millions in revenue and the jobs created by commie boosters like Ted Tuner? Who would want that?

  55. Lazy Media, you’re right about the Republicans, they’re brain dead. But you’re wrong about Barnes. He was an arrogant jerk-off and he deserved what he got. Now let’s see if he’s learned anything. I doubt it.

  56. He wants to promote “Minoan Bull Worship”? It’s a really great religion and all, I particularly like the maidens vaulting over the horns thing they do, but it will be tough sledding to get them Georgians to leave behind all that “loving Ja-Hee-Sus” and such.

  57. This must have all begun when he realized that his name started with “Ox”. So was this guy the ox that started the Reichstag fire or whatever happened? With all this Republican cow-referencing as of late, one wonders which Senator is about to be caught fondling Bessie’s udder (Chuck Grassley) or soliciting cow furry sex (all of them).

  58. Um. Dude. What the hell is up with the piggy bank? Why is it laying like that? Why is the slot on its belly? AND WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT PUDDLE?

  59. [re=437450]PrairiePossum[/re]: There is an element of Fred Rogers in the voice over, but also a Al Gore/Forrest Gumpish intonation and timbre to it also, Add valium and delete percocet and keep the booze in the equation. And yup, it is just a wee bit creepy, in that liquored-up slightly retarded, horribly awkward middle aged uncle with a little too much booze sense.

  60. [re=437376]FMA[/re]: “That may work in Georgia.”

    And here in Oklahoma, no doubt. “I mean, shit fahr, Junior. Let’s go git us some a’ that free pizza and laser tags.” “That works, Leroy.”

  61. I was strong enough to click the clicky, and graceful enough to hit pause after he pulled the O’Leary thereby forestalling the incineration of Georgia.

    Vote for me!

  62. Rejected slogans: The Ox: as in dumb as an. The Ox: I failed finger painting. The Ox: castrated male cattle pulling a heavy load of poo. The Ox: Let’s be the new South Carolina. The Ox: It’s what’s for dinner.

  63. [re=438074]Hunger Tallest Palin[/re]: The Puddle is Georgia. The Slot is its Cloaca. Apparently, it both poops and reproduces with Georgia, in the form of Money.

  64. god he’s such a creep! his solution to congested traffic in atlanta is to expand the highway system and totally ignore any mass transit. he (and this horrific excuse for whatever this you tube video cartoon monstrosity is) is such an embarrassment! living in atlanta makes you forget that the rest of georgia is fucked up on a more insane level than atlanta is. atlanta’s got corruption down but the rest of georgia’s got crazy like no one else (well, maybe sarah palin…)

  65. Holy Sweet Saint Mohinga & begorra, `tis a heinous lump of phlegm!

    I suppose people are letting their pets produce their own YouTube videos too now … & if only this had been one of them – the thing would probably have less of that putrid-queef ambience.

  66. [re=437792]Lazy Media[/re]: Didn’t Perdue win the year the guys at the warehouse storing the voting machines for the state alleged that the software had been changed in the week before the election? Diebold for the win!

  67. What’s stronger than an ox? A fucking slaughterhouse.

    And it wasn’t even an ox. Dumshits.

    He should have picked something really invincible, like Saint Michael the Archangel. And Roy could have been a Satanic dragon. See? Now that would have been cool.

  68. [re=438209]knobwurst[/re]: I keep waiting for Russia to attack. If they really want a “Georgia,” they can have this one. As a bonus, they can have South Carolina too. I’d even unlock the door for them, but no. They’re such pussies.

  69. [re=438268]Darkness[/re]: why yes he did. his wife also invited the UGA mascot (a bulldog named UGA, pronounced ug-ah) to the governor’s mansion for sexin with their dog. perdue was a veterinarian. TOTALLY qualified to be gov!

  70. [re=437727]whiskey tango foxtrot[/re]: i’m going to go out on a really long limb and guess that by graceful he means 1) he was educated in GA and 2) grace= some kind of bible/ jesus/ lord and savior/ god reference.

  71. [re=437792]Lazy Media[/re]: oooh! good call on that one! who’d get his panties in a wad quicker—-Bob Barr or John Oxendine? i say the Ox because he’s so graceful and what not. Barr would likely have to drop off someone at an abortion clinic and be a little distracted

  72. [re=438317]pinkocommiefag[/re]: Just like John Ensign–he’s a veterinarian too, which is apparently the new standard by which to judge politicians. That, and wealthy parents.

  73. What’s with the GRACEFUL stuff? The ox just stood there trying to look all, what? a house on fire? I don’t know anything about it… And the photo op with in the trailer park .. at least TRY to look like you care. If he’s so graceful, he should have been wearing a tutu, like the hippos in Fantasia.

  74. [re=437384]slappypaddy[/re]: No, don’t weep for them. Southerners waste way to much time demanding everyone else pity them already. It’s not as if no one else has ever stubbed a toe!

  75. [re=438401]zhubajie[/re]: you just answered your own question…he found an ass that he couldn’t resist. I wonder what he’ll make of the “ox” hmmm…gay/beastial scandal anyone?

  76. what is it with the republicans in georgia? one fucks mules another thinks he’s an ox and ralph reed is a serial killer/viper…well, when kids open their 100% evo-lution free text books after ox is elected, they can thank saint reagan for such a maginficent walking/shitting beast of burden…oh and, gayest video since “big john” cornyn’s queer (in more ways than one) western-themed campaign commercial…all I got out of this is the only way to fix Georgia is a three-way of reaganzilla, the ox and the corporate lobbyist hamster…who’ll slide up Georgia’s proverbial ass, never to leave.

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