This Week: Asses

By the Comics Curmudgeon
What is the most amusing part of the human anatomy? While there are a lot to choose from, I’d have to say the butt, mostly because asses and humor occupy the exact same overlap in the Venn diagram between “sexy” and “gross.” Because our dying media establishment is still clinging to antiquated concepts like “dignity” and “morals” and “for Christ’s sake people don’t want to see naked asses in the newspaper,” most political cartoons do not feature naked asses per se (though there are horrifying exceptions). Nevertheless, political cartoons cannot resist the laugh riot that even the fully clothed booty brings to the table.

Oh, that wily Uncle Sam, attempting to capture the sinister Taliban-rodent, with delicious cheese! The “rat hole” represents the caves where the Taliban live, you see, while the mousetrap is the military-industrial complex we will use to kill them. But wait, what’s this? It seems the corrupt Afghan Corruption Rat is already munching on that cheese, grinning evilly! This means that the cheese represents, money, I guess, which means that we’re going to lure the Taliban out of their hiding places by … leaving … piles of money just lying out in the desolate wastes of Afghanistan, so they’ll come out and get it? That’s not a terrible idea, actually; it’s not like the old “YOU WON A FREE BOAT, COME TO THE POLICE STATION TO COLLECT IT!” trick would work, what with Afghanistan being landlocked and all, and you could probably make a pretty good-sized cash pile for cheaper than the actual expensive military equipment we use. Where was I? Oh, yeah, Uncle Sam is shoving his ass into the Afghan Corruption Rat’s face, which probably represents, I don’t know, civilian deaths from drone missile attacks or something. Drone missile attacks! It’s like a mooning, but with more shrapnel.

But once back on the home front, Uncle Sam was sorry that he had been so fast and loose with his buttocks. Sure, it seemed like a good idea to go spend some quality time at Horror Hospital, Where The Damned Stalk The Corridors, just for some laughs, but that was before he was non-consensually groped by an undead corpse. You’ll never know how traumatic it is to be sexually harassed by a zombie until it happens to you, but afterwards poor Uncle Sam was harassed all over again — by the legal system. “Look at these grainy videos we have of you sticking your ass in some mouse’s face!” the zombie’s lawyer shouted, at the trial. “It’s almost as if you like having your buttocks sexually toyed with by subhumans and nonhumans!”

Say, you know what comes out of butts? Eggs! Well, for most oviparous animals, the more correct term is “cloaca,” the single opening that serves for both excretory and reproductive functions. Such animals include reptiles, birds, monotremes, and whatever terrifying enormous monstrous alien hell-beast extruded this awful egg, out of which a shambling misshapen Obama-thing is emerging, determined to kill us all. Believe it or not, this cartoon comes from Norway, the very same country that gave Obama the Nobel Peace Prize. My school report about Norway will be called “Norway: A Land Of Contrasting Opinions.”

Naturally, this hellish spawning took place in sub-basement of Horror Hospital. As is typical of his species, the Obama-hatchling could walk and handle rudimentary medical equipment within hours. And what mischief the little scamp soon got into! Here he is holding one of Horror Hospital’s trademark Pain Needles, going after the asses of Wall Street executives, wearing those ass-revealing hospital gowns. Ha ha, Wall Street executives! Is this not the ritual ass-play humiliation you thought you were paying for? Don’t worry, you are still very wealthy, and can afford therapy!

I wish we could say the same about the patients in this ward, suffering under the “care” of Dr. Max “Vampire” Baucus, M.V.D. (“M.V.D.” stands for “medical vampire doctor.”) Dr. Baucus is a vampire, naturally, and he is drinking the blood of the passive states, terribly weakening them, just to make sure that the states’ inhabitants don’t die because of poverty. Don’t vampires understand the concept of “survival of the fittest?” Apparently not! Anyway, Harry Reid is looking on with an evil grin on his face, because he loves a good blood-sucking. He’s not going to actually do it himself, though. Harry Reid never does anything himself. Or, really, Harry Reid never does much of anything, full stop.

Later, the terrible Obama-hatchling was corralled and pacified with waffles. Everyone loves waffles!