where d'you want this killin' done?

Kay Bailey Hutchison Is President Of Argumentation

I love deathIt’s becoming clear now that handsy Texas ball-of-fire Rick Perry, in notably indiscreet fashion, has been trying to cover-up or kill an investigation into the execution of an innocent man, which would show that… well… he and his staff could have maybe prevented this from happening! This is a major scandal, for serious. BUT LET US CONSIDER THE POLITICAL IMPLICATIONS. If you’re Kay Bailey Hutchison, and you have a Texas Republican primary against Rick Perry in a few months, how do you attack this from the right? How do you reconcile (a) the major opportunity to attack Rick Perry for this major thing and (b) the fact that the Republican base loves the death penalty and will always love it and want it and cherish it? Hmm… uhh… how about… Rick Perry is in cahoots with the liberals? Huh? Any objections? Fine, type up a statement.

As hard as Rick Perry’s office and his campaign may try to divert from the issue, this is not about one man or one case. The issue is Rick Perry’s heavy-handed politicization of a process and Commission established by the legislature to provide critical oversight. First, Rick Perry delayed the formation of the Texas Forensic Science Commission, then he tried to ensure it didn’t have funding and when all else failed, he fired everyone he could. The only thing Rick Perry’s actions have accomplished is giving liberals an argument to discredit the death penalty. Kay Bailey Hutchison is a steadfast supporter of the death penalty, voted to reinstate it when she served in the Texas House and believes we should never do anything to create a cloud of controversy over it with actions that look like a cover-up.

BOOM.

Because of Rick Perry making such a scene, the gay liberals might now play that wacky “state-ordered execution of innocent person absolutely decimates logic behind capital punishment” argument, which has been discredited and is shrill. So elect me and I’ll… whatever.

There’s probably something wrong with your stance if you and your communications staff can’t, just cannot, come up something that doesn’t sound completely sociopathic.

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About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

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94 comments

  1. sezme

    “Kay Bailey Hutchison promises to slay one innocent per week every week of her Governorship. And a retard on Christmas if the budget is balanced.”

    And everyone will be all like “She may be a blood-sucking monster, but at least she keeps her promises.”

  2. memzilla

    So, Kay’s position is that she would have killed the guy sooner, without all the tedious investigation gettin’ in the way.

    More blood more quicker for Cthulhu Jeebus!

  3. queeraselvis v 2.0

    Commission? We don’t need no foxtrotting Commission! Besides that, Kay obviously subscribes to the “Kill all the fuckers and let God sort ‘em out” school of Texas Justice.

  4. lampadadog

    I’ll kill more people, more often, but you can rest assured that they’re guilty! As a political argument, it’s grand.

  5. JMP

    Hey, now; Scalia’s told us that innocence is no reason to give a condemned prisoner a new trial, so why is Perry all worried about people knowing he had an innocent man put to death? It’s all cool; just the price we gotta pay in order to keep the killin’ goin’.

  6. petehammer

    “The only thing Bush’s actions have accomplished is giving liberals an argument to discredit torture”

    or

    “The only thing Rush’s actions have accomplished is giving liberals an argument to discredit drug abuse”

    or

    “The only thing Beck’s actions have accomplished is giving liberals an argument to discredit those who haven’t come clean about their involvement in crimes from the 1990s.”

    This is actually a pretty neat little device!

  7. nbawriter

    I’m so blinded by Meg’s chunky boobs that I thought that said “President of augmentation.” Seriously.

  8. Cicada

    You know, that guy deserved to be executed just for giving HORRIBLE LIBRULS another talking point against the death penalty.

    There, problem solved!

  9. Doglessliberal

    An innocent man was executed. KILLED. (to sound even more effete and liberal here, read the New Yorker article on this. There really is no doubt. The guy was innocent). Instead of taking this head-on and saying “We can never undo this horrible thing that was done, but we will improve the system so this can never happen again”, Perry lies, covers up, is an asshole. Kay then USES THE DEATH OF AN INNOCENT MAN as campaign fodder. My brain just cannot get around this.

    ARGH

    Everything is bigger in Texas, including the capacity to blow my mind, even as hardened and cynical as the past few years have made it.

  10. SmutBoffin

    [re=436234]sezme[/re]: “I will not only execute retarded inmates, but also force them to compete in the THUNDERDOME wing of the newly rebuilt governor’s mansion. Let it never be said that the Ruler of Bartertown is soft on crime!”

  11. Doglessliberal

    [re=436252]JMP[/re]: yeah, that statement by Scalia almost made me jump out the window. WHAT??????? I guess under his brand of Catholicism, it is somehow OK to kill innocent adults, but not foetuses (who might be guilty of something, for all we know. They can get up to a lot of trouble in utero).

  12. Tommmcatt

    One of them is still going to win in that godforsaken wasteland, so there’s no point in discussing it, is there?

  13. problemwithcaring

    The Balloon Juice link made me think of that poor little kid stuck in that contraption. Godspeed, Balloon Boy!

  14. Humpback

    Hutchison on the death penalty–Bring on yer investigations and boards. I’ll listen to them and then pull the switch anyway. That’s conservatism straight up.

  15. Gob

    Actually, I think this’ll work, because the “Well you know the liberals are just going to . . .” is the strawman that would normally come up in this situation. So she anticipates that and circles back to say that Rick Perry is helping liberals. It’s clever as hell.

  16. bureaucrap

    Actually, we (the evil liberals) could have some fun with this. We could buy some ads in Houston and Dallas that say things like, “We have been backing both Kay B and Rick P because they provide us so many arguments against them. If you’re a real conservative, you’ll vote against anyone we attack because they are just liberal dupes.”

  17. SayItWithWookies

    There are no Republican failure or incompetents — they’re just liberal tools unwittingly making their own position look bad. And sooner or later, once they get rid of the last plant, spy, dupe, RINO, and appeaser in the party, the Republicans will be a tower of ideological infallibility. Ein Volk, Ein Partei, Ein Republican.

  18. iburl

    Senator Governor Kay Bailey Cookie-Cutter Buttersworth Hutchenson the Third, esq. Rolls off the tongue.

    How dare Rickles Goodhair McGay Perry embarrass the worlds #1 Big Government Killmasters in the Texas GOP in front of the libruls?

  19. OReillysVibrator

    Way to deflate your opportunity to criticize your opponent SENDING AN INNOCENT MAN TO DEATH with your first statement, Hutchles. How many sentences are people going to read? “GOVERNOR PERRY IS A MURDERER” or “WHAT RETARD KILLS AN INNOCENT PERSON” were both viable statements. “As hard as Rick Perry’s office and his campaign may try to divert from the issue, this is not about one man or one case” just makes people stop thinking because it doesn’t say ‘murder’ or ‘kill’ or ‘doritos’ that keeps the base listening.

  20. V572625694

    - Tejans trying to edge to the right of each other, arguing over who’d kill sooner
    - the multiple sillinesses in South Carolina
    - Jeff Sessions saying it’s okay to rape employees if you submit it to arbitration first

    It’s all Dumbfuckistan. Let them go. Secession has its virtues. Red-state-residing Wonketteers will be given amnesty.

  21. dijetlo

    If she wont show me her tits, how can I take her seriously as a conservative politician? Sure, she’ll probably kill often and without regret and yesterday that probably would have been enough for most red blooded Texas conservatives but, Kay…did you see Megs rack pic? It’s a brand new paradigm, baby and you aint got the guns for modern politics. You’d be better off staying in the Senate and strangling litters of adorable puppies like the rest of the Conservative Senators.

  22. DemmeFatale

    [re=436293]Snarkalicious[/re]: Did you REALLY just call the beloved Titty an asshole, and (worse) Micheal Steele?!

  23. DangerousLiberal

    Jesus, she brings the stupid in Texas sized lots. It’s hard to believe that she’s one of the smart ones in Texas. Do the rest have to be reminded how to breathe?

  24. McDuff

    It’s a Win-Win for Kay Bailey because if Perry had let the process run as he should have, the Texas Forensic Science Commission would have found that the guy was really innocent, still giving Kay Bailey a campaign talking point about how Perry gave the liberals a talking point against the death penalty by creating a “Science” commission in Texas!

  25. badmuthagoose

    It’s only her genteel upbringing which prevented the lady from stating that she would have personally disemboweled the man with only her fingernails, the end.

  26. V572625694

    [re=436313]dijetlo[/re]: You’re so right. The republan ladies are getting older and weirder: Susan Collins has Diane Rehm’s disease, Olympia Snowe is the queen of Flatbush Avenue instead of the ice-goddess she oughta be with a name like that, and KBH looks like a survivor of an explosion at Max Factor. We need more young blood, like Meghan. Or boobs. Or both.

  27. Hooray For Anything

    You know what else gives liberals an argument to discredit the death penalty? Killing innocent people.

  28. hockeymom

    Molly Ivins would have loved this.
    She wouldn’t have been surprised, but she would have loved it.

  29. Come here a minute

    [re=436304]OReillysVibrator[/re]: Oh my god, Rick Perry is trying to kill Doritos? Now you’ve got my attention!

  30. DustBowlBlues

    Speaking as a resident of a neighboring state and, therefore, a good judge of how crazy bat-shit crazy truly gets in Baja Oklahoma, wonkette’s criticism of KBH sounding completely sociopathic will run as an endorsement for her campaign. Because it these parts, we are all about the sociopaths–as long as they’re white.

  31. Hooray For Anything

    The scary thing is we all know how this will play out. After awhile, it’ll be painfully clear to even the dunderheads in Texas that Perry allowed an innocent person to be killed and then he’ll run a bunch of commercials and give a couple of speeches saying “I love the death penalty so much I have no problems killing innocent people. You gotta problem with that? Bring it bitches” and he’ll go up in the polls so much that Bailey will have to announce that she loves the death penalty so much that not only does she not have a problem killing innocent people, she’ll gladly inject the needle into their arms herself and she’ll go up in the polls and it’ll be like that until the race is over when both have announced that they love the death penalty so much, they’d kill innocent people, innocent children, innocent mentally challenged people, and innocent house pets.

  32. Prommie

    Poor Balloon Boy, despite everyone sending their love down the well, it looks not so good, for him, something has been found, it appears. Only boobs can ease this pain.

    Some here may not understand the power of boobs. They are truly capable of switching of overpowering the will, like when Simon Bar Sinister had Courageous Cat saying “I will do as Simon says.” I did it all for the Boobies, its true. Mmmm, sweet sweet boobies.

  33. Jukesgrrl

    But did Rick at least PET the innocent man before he was sent to his death? That would make it OK.

  34. sati demise

    the ONLY thing Rick accomplished was to give the liberals a talking point?

    gee, that is so harsh.

    What about the dead guy?

  35. AnnieGetYourFun

    [re=436322]McDuff[/re]: That’s where her “logic” fails me. Most liberals are in favor of a forensics commission, no?

    [re=436346]Hooray For Anything[/re]: As long as no white men are hurt/killed, I have a feeling that that would be a very successful campaign.

  36. AnnieGetYourFun

    Oh, so that’s what all those fucking Facebook updates were about. Balloon boy? The family was on “Wife Swap”. I’m going to go with “attention whores”.

  37. AnnieGetYourFun

    Unless he is dead, then I will feel bad.

    Maybe Texans can start dropping people from balloons? As a death penalty?

  38. chascates

    There are still a lot of people in Texas who’d like these executions to be televisied. Some have suggested selling tickets to be there in person. So far no Texas governor has topped Dubya’s imitation of the condemned (“Oh please..don’t kill me”) but Perry said this guy was a ‘monster’. Hutchison will ruin what reputation she had running just as McCain ruined his.

    Try to move to the right of an incumbent Texas governor and you’re going to fall off the edge.

  39. Jim89048

    [re=436357]Jukesgrrl[/re]: I was wondering if Kay pets people, too. Because as awful as I think either choice would be, I’d rather be petted by a woman, thanks.

  40. dijetlo

    [re=436325]V572625694[/re]:If The current crop (Bachman Palin) represent the “MILF” trend of Republican wingnutic thought it’s hard to properly classify the appearance of Meg and the twins on the political landscape. To me, it would indicate that they’re progressing linearly towards their moment of “peak wingnut”, which is to say the Republican Presidential hopefulls for 2012 shuld consist of Mike Huckabee and seven fluffers from the porn industry, however one cannot underestimate the closeted homosexual streak of the current conservative movement. My money is on them turning back toward their roots with a mass execution of all brown interns in the Capitol Building on national security grounds for their act of wingnut sepeku but it’s so hard to predict. They may just as likely descend into televised gay blood orgies and cannibalism during their convention for their “peak wingnut” moment.

  41. Zorg

    Wow! That is some fancy footwork! Reminds me of some of the arguments produced by characters in “Schindeler’s List” when asking Nazi officials for help of one sort or another.

  42. Whiskeybaby

    All people should be preemptively killed, just in case. It’s the only way to be sure we don’t let criminals go free.

  43. schvitzatura

    Minds are empty, heads are hollow.
    You might find out the truth is hard to swallow.
    There´s a place down there, where heads are square.
    Laws are tough and you are bare.
    There is a law and there is a lawman.
    Who is the right, and who is the wrong man.
    It doesn’t take much to kill a guy.
    Don´t get in my face and ask me why…
    Texas is the place…
    HANG´EM HIGH!

    Beers, steers, and queers

  44. germansteel

    “The only thing Rick Perry’s actions have accomplished is giving liberals an argument to discredit the death penalty. Kay Bailey Hutchison is a steadfast supporter of the death penalty, voted to reinstate it when she served in the Texas House and believes we should never do anything to create a cloud of controversy over it with actions that look like a cover-up.”

    The only thing Kay Bailey Hutchinson’s statement does is throw completely into flux who is the totally biggest psychopath in Texas.

  45. lawrenceofthedesert

    A lovely bit of tap dancing that marks Kay as the Hermes Pan of the Texas GOP — spreading manure that deep will no doubt spur the growth of her campaign more than any political Garden Weasel could hope to. Otoh, it opens the door to a “who is more stupid” contest, one that neither candidate could long endure. Still, if Ron White consented to moderate and Kinky was included, said contest might leaven the awful adobe so far baked by this contest.

  46. sati demise

    [re=436483]lawrenceofthedesert[/re]: Turd blossoms, both of them.

    The innocent guy six feet under is time released fertilizer.

  47. WarAndG

    Look it’s the death row inmate’s own fault for getting himself wrongly accused. Besides let’s not over scrutinize foreign governments.

  48. JSDC007

    KBH will now propose target practice at the border against Mexicans, after which everyone will go out for some burritos and Dos Equis.

  49. S.Luggo

    Madam Clairol also points out Governor Pretty-Hair’s libtard streak:
    1. He hasn’t executed any 12 year-old, illegal Mexos in at least a year.
    2. Did not have the late Mr. Willingham’s fields salted and cattle slaughtered or his relatives sold into slavery to the Phoenecians.
    3. Ricky hasn’t sought a bill to allow flaying as a form of grade school corporal punishment.

  50. assistant/atlas

    Just fucking secede already, Perry, you pussy!

    Wait, OMG, I just realized I don’t know what Meghan McCain’s position on the death penalty is….oh I hope her Daily Beast column addresses that as well as the very important problem of the Interwebs going agog over her ample bosom.

    [re=436253]magic titty[/re]: Wow, you’re like, an even better political consultant than Mark Penn!

  51. theo

    You can take Texas out of the Aztec Empire, but you can’t take the grim spirit of sacrifice to the war-god hummingbird Huitzilopochtli out of Texans.

  52. Hooray For Anything

    [re=436535]bago[/re]: “The only thing Hitler’s actions have accomplished is giving liberals an argument to discredit killing Jews.”

  53. PuffAdder

    [re=436706]Hooray For Anything[/re]: “The only thing Meg’s actions have accomplished is giving liberals an argument to credit slutty pics on The Twitter.”

  54. Bowdoin

    The FBI stopped sending out APBs to Texas one year. They had a desperado they wanted for mocking the little director, and so they did four, count ‘em, four mug shots wired to everywhere. Front, both profiles, back. There was of course a reward, and several counties in Texas claimed it.

    All four suspects shot while trying to escape – send reward.

  55. DustBowlBlues

    Of course it’s the liberals fault. I heard a conservative blame Larry Craig’s bathroom shenanigans on the liberals. Really. We’ve made such a climate of moral decadence that these things happen–because liberals make them happen!

    By the time my daughter was nine years old, she was more willing to accept responsibility for what she did more than the Republics do. Nothing, nothing is their fault.

  56. DustBowlBlues

    Damn, I wish someone were reading this thread. There should be a new topic–quick.

    Just saw the asshat defense lawyer in this guy’s case and asshat is the only word for him. Dipshit was court-appointed and shows up on the Silver Fox Investigative Reports Hour in a dirty cowboy hat and dirty looking shirt, saying “excuse my attire we just came in from checking cattle.” Yeah, because no real cowboy lawyer would hurry while checking his cattle to put on a clean set of clothes to be on the teevee. Like the fucking cattle won’t be there in the morning? Idiot drama queen.

    Then in an exaggerated Texas dialect (as if the normal one doesn’t sound folksy and stupid enough) that the answer to all of Anderson’s questions is, “That’s absurd.” And talking about how guilty his client was no matter how many experts say there was no arson, because he and the guy he tried it with bought exactly the same kind of carpet and put lighter fluid on it and burned it and it looked just like the one in the fire. He said this at least six times. Case closed.

    Take off your fucking hat, cowboy. If you’re going fucking bald, own up to it. It’s just good manners.

    Consider this a tip, editors–it should be on CNN’s web site soon. “Asshat Cowboy in Ass Hat Explains How Rick Perry and KBH Are Absolutely Right to Kill His Guilty Client.”

    I’m sure he’s waiting for someone to ask for the rights to turn his life as one of Texas’ “top criminal trial attorneys” (according to him) into a series. He’ll no doubt volunteer to play himself. What a dipshit. His client should have been acquitted, just to make up for having such a lame lawyer.

    The end.

  57. ladymacbeth

    the funny thing is, i feel so much safer in chi and LA where i spend most of my life (when i get the choice). when i don’t get the choice, i spend time in red places with the right morals — and they scare the bejesus out of me. i never — ever — want to go for an early morning run again in harrisburg PA for instance.

    so, i guess what i’m saying is these people are right to obsess about crime: they live amongst freaks.

    but so much more importantly, HAS lindsey hit rock bottom????

  58. hobospacejunkie

    New form of capital punishment if Perry is re-elected: hair petting. He will pet you to death if you are death row. Think about that before committing a capital crime, libtards.

  59. DustBowlBlues

    [re=436840]ladymacbeth[/re]: As long as I don’t have any bumper stickers or wear any attire that associates me with anything except for Jebus and NRA, I feel pretty safe out here in the country. But then, I’m an old white person. Makes a difference.

  60. DustBowlBlues

    [re=436346]Hooray For Anything[/re]: “they love the death penalty so much, they’d kill innocent people, innocent children, innocent mentally challenged people, and innocent house pets.”

    To state the obvious, just not fetuses.

  61. ladymacbeth

    [re=436844]DustBowlBlues[/re]: i would feel safe in OK because there is dustbowlblues.

    harrisburg and remote parts of OR? not so much.

  62. LowerdPeninsula

    [re=436325]V572625694[/re]: “The republan ladies are getting older and weirder: Susan Collins has Diane Rehm’s disease, Olympia Snowe is the queen of Flatbush Avenue instead of the ice-goddess she oughta be with a name like that, and KBH looks like a survivor of an explosion at Max Factor.”

    I actually did “laugh out loud” at that one, and I’m still laughing. I’m envisioning her applying her makeup with a shotgun. That is how they do it down there in Tejas; with a shotgun, right?

  63. Jukesgrrl

    [re=436833]DustBowlBlues[/re]: I tuned in late and didn’t hear the introductions (or the excuses) and couldn’t believe what I was hearing. Well, I believed it for awhile, because I assumed asshat was the prosecutor. You can understand my shock when I found out he was the LAWYER. Wow, I needed to be praying for that poor defendant’s soul long before he was dead. This gives new meaning to the term bad luck.

  64. zhubajie

    [re=436266]Doglessliberal[/re]: Well, he must’ve been guilty of something or other. Otherwise G-d would have saved him! (That’s Texas born-again logic.)

  65. Zorg

    [re=436906]zhubajie[/re]: There sure as shit are, you smug little rice-gobblin,’ slant-eyed, sawed-off pissant! Ennybody says diff’rent, they’ve just opened a giant economy-sized can of whoop-ass!

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