- What is ‘Max Baucus’? We simply do not know. [Matt Yglesias]
- Today’s RedState lecture: “How Limbaugh’s embodiment of MLK’s dream changed my life.” Please take notes because you’ll be tested on this material at the end of the semester. [RedState]
- How will Jonah Goldberg survive the impending zombie apocalypse?! Hiding in a spider hole at the bottom of Lake Superior might work, but then again, Lake Superior freezes in the winter and zombies can definitely definitely walk on ice and oh no oh no oh no no NO zombies zombies ZOMBIES! [The Corner]
- There are many sappy, vomit-inducing political ads that come and go in these United States, but Gavin Newsom’s takes the vomit cake. [The Caucus]
- Barack Obama grinds with a devastating Latina and then abruptly flees the dance floor because honestly he’s a married man and this is just torture. [Swampland]
May 26, 2012
RUMORS ON THE INTERNETS
October 15, 2009
Jonah Goldberg Has An Advanced Degree In Zombieology
by Riley Waggaman 5:13 pm October 15, 2009
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{ 79 comments }
I was just discussing with friends last night whether zombies were over. Jonah Goldberg is blogging about zombies, so, yes, zombies are the new Macarena.
Barry ought to do a dance-off with Tom Delay.
Gavin Newsom’s campaign video made me vomit. Why didn’t you warn me?
“How Limbaugh’s embodiment of MLK’s dream changed my life.”
I don’t get this at all. Is that third-hand inspiration? Was the author like “Well, Rushbo was like MLK, but better, so I’ll cite him as my hero, instead.”
Wait, it’s RedState. Don’t answer that.
Zombies and other fantasy creatures/scenarios are more Jonah’s speed. Next an article on how to deal with lightsabre wounds.
I think that Red State piece is enough to make Zombie MLK rise from the grave and go on a rampage. That is, if he can stop spinning first.
So Jonah – I’m thinking you should NOT say your wife “was born of hardy stock.”
Also, after watching the Zombieland trailer I realize now that I must find – and fuck – Woody Harrelson. Sweet jesus.
Are zombies pro-Rush or anti-Rush? When we say, “Today we are all Limbaugh,” what does this mean for zombies?
Libruls crushed MLK’s dream when they denied Limbaugh’s gawd given rites.
[re=436516]ManchuCandidate[/re]:
Agreed. I read that post, and it’s the first thing of his I’ve been able to get through without retching.
Ha ha, that Barry O’Dance Machine video has horrible audio but is quite wonderful at around the 35 second mark where he sits back down all hot and bothered after being released from disco-bondage, and Michelle will not look at him!
Slow news day at The Corner? Also, Jo-Glo has taken a wife! What, pray tell, is the name of this precious 14-year boy?
The Lone Ranger had a Tonto. Mr. Roarke had a Tattoo and Rush has a Snerdly. See he can’t be racist. He’s a victim of Jim Crow.
Newsome’s video manages to suck so hard it has stripped every fiber of substance out of the word “vapid.” RIP.
That was the WORST movie trailer EVAR.
Michael Bay’s really grasping at straws.
“For years, the Fair Jessica and I have been discussing preparedness scenarios for Red Dawn-style invasions by the Chinese, V style invasions, 28 Days Later rage-virus epidemics and, of course, mass zombification outbreaks.”
One thing Jonah was not prepared for wsa the election of a half-breed Muslin Anti-Christ from Indonesia as President of the United States. Jonah’s lack of foresight has doomed us all.
“For years, the Fair Jessica and I have been discussing preparedness scenarios for Red Dawn-style invasions by the Chinese, V style invasions, 28 Days Later rage-virus epidemics and, of course, mass zombification outbreaks.”
One thing Jonah was not prepared for was the election of a half-breed Muslin from Indonesia, who is in fact the Anti-Christ, as President of the United States. Jonah’s lack of foresight has doomed us all.
Don’t you see what you’ve done? By crushing Limbaugh’s dream, you’ve crushed MLK’s dream, thus undoing the entire civil rights movement. Now the South will have to get all racist-y again.
“In a zombie apocalypse, your fellow humans will be just as dangerous — and possibly moreso — than the undead.”
So how will we know if we’re living in a zombie apocalypse?
I r conflustrated.
[re=436534]mollymcguire[/re]: I hit send twice. Sorry.
i think it’d be more practical for goldberg and the fair jessica to prepare for the nightmare scenario of their underground bunker running out of cheetos and twinkies.
“For years, the Fair Jessica and I have been discussing preparedness scenarios for Red Dawn-style invasions by the Chinese, V style invasions, 28 Days Later rage-virus epidemics and, of course, mass zombification outbreaks.”
So, are we officially allowed to call conservatism “Travis Bickle Syndrome” now?
Fatties are always the first to go. Jonah would fit just fine as the fat nerd who always dies in the beginning of Troma movies .
BRAAAAAINS!
The Fucking House that Jack Built? Really, Gavin?
More proof of why he was too dumb to get into Stanford despite about seven different legacy connections.
[re=436537]GreatOldOnesParty[/re]: You mean that people would need a government to supply police and civilisation? I thought that the “nanny state” stopped folks from practising their “enlightened self interest” (or cannibalism) on each other.
California is so broke, it’s politicians can’t even afford to produce color YouTube videos. For that reason, Newsom’s plan to rewrite the state constitution on Twitter does have its merits. #CAstateconstweetution
I just vomited L’Oreal Total Control Clean Gel out of every orifice. And yes, that’s his real brand.
http://sfist.com/2009/03/18/breaking_news_newsoms_haircare_prod.php
And these finks don’t dress too well
No discrimination
To be a zombie all the time
Requires such dedication
[re=436523]sezme[/re]: He kept fanning himself as if he was so “hot” – did he really think Michelle would find that funny? I guess miss thang didn’t appreciate the booty move. LOL. She *is* a bitch. We have so much in common.
Damn. And here I thought Max Baucus was a type of blue cheese. Like gorgonzola, but with more bite.
The more you know.
And what’s the deal with Gavin’s gated preverb? Couldn’t he just do a voice-over? He sounded as though he was inhaling his speech.
[re=436539]mollymcguire[/re]: I’d hit it. Twice.
I wonder if Fair Jessica has funnel cake, because that would go a long way toward explaining why Jonah has such huge tits.
The last part of Newsom’s political ad has so many “that wills” that it approaches the level of a logical fallacy constructed by M.C. Escher.
For his next video Gavin and his smokin’ hot wife need to just have it off. That would be much teh betters.
Sappy or not, wonk, GN is the one politcian I’d most like to see naked
[re=436562]Extemporanus[/re]: If I did not say so previously, Thank you for “GiP.” It made my day.
Rules for surviving the impending Zombie Armageddon
1: Zombies eat brains Republican have none therefor Republicans can remain in their homes however since most postmen are Democrats, it’s unlikely your social security checks will be on time that month.
2: After careful study, the trick appears to be “keep moving”. Zombies are slow and mindless but they are tenacious so whatever defenses you construct will ultimately fail.
3: Don’t stop to kill Zombies, they are already dead.See rule two.
Awww, and no Falcons to watch this weekend.
I thought that Bobby Kennedy ad was just swell. Too bad he’s dead, but at least the actor they had playing him is reasonably good-looking.
All you need to know about Jonah’s readers:
I think you need to refine your plan to go out on Lake Superior or one of the great lakes.
‘Nuff said.
[re=436519]Slow Fish[/re]: They eat brains and seem to be retarded, so I’m going with pro-Rush.
I guess I should be thankful/grateful/relieved that Newsom’s pile of awful won’t be played in the TeeVees. In the least my gorge is relieved to read that.
GOOD NEWS Jonah Shandah Goldberg, Lake Superior only freezes over completely once every 20 years, so says some government-funded research junket. So believe it at your own risk. http://climate.umn.edu/doc/journal/superior030603.htm
Then again, the Edmund Fitzgerald (a ship named after a song) went down there a few years ago and people died so they may inhabit the depths.
ZOMBIES!
[re=436585]PoignancySelz[/re]: Why not – did he land somewhere?
[re=436596]Click[/re]: No, no, no, Would I make fun of the Boy in the Balloon? I’m making fun of Limbwhaaawhaaa boycotting the NFL. I wonder how that will work out for him. Although Falcon is a funny name for a kid, kind of like Flake.
[re=436571]mollymcguire[/re]: Thanks—Sometimes it’s the little things that mean the most.
“How Limbaugh’s embodiment of MLK’s dream changed my life.”
So, when Dr. King said that he’d been to the mountain top, he was just talking about Rush’s beer belly?
[re=436523]sezme[/re]: That was so funny! She was pissed and jealous. He tried to get her attention. White House Night Club drama!
[re=436644]June Cleaver 2.0[/re]: No kidding. Sheeat, girl. You can see in his face who he answers to. And Malia meanwhile is grinning like she’s going to burst at seeing her daddy act funny.
[re=436562]Extemporanus[/re]: All you need to do to survive an outbreak of zombieness is to be faster than someone else. By continually feeding Jonah copious amounts of Cheetos, Mountain Dew and Cheesy Lard™, Fair Jessica has made sure that he will be slower than her, allowing her to escape while the zombies devour her corpulent husband. Tagically, Jonah is far too stupid to realise that he is her survival strategy, and this lack of intelligence will be his downfall once the hordes of undead flesh-eaters arrive.
What Michelle should have done was give him a little caress on the face and a little kiss, and smile graciously and knowingly for the camera, just to let everyone know who commands the Commander. Obvious jealousy is why other women torment a woman in asking her man to dance.
[re=436684]June Cleaver 2.0[/re]: Is that how you keep Ward 2.0 in line?
Min: That’s why MLK said he wouldn’t make it there with us–he knew he would die trying to leave and fall into Rush’s distended navel, never to be seen again…
I didn’t RTFA, but everything from Redstate makes my brain squish up against the back of my skull, like some Wooly-Willy anti Liberal magnet…
But hello, you can see the outline of Newsom’s dick in the video so I give it an A+.
Jonah is a ugly, fat Dwight from the Office. Surely someone has already made this leap, but it’s only his attempts at being humorous and “personable” has it become clear to me.
Thus spake Jonah:
“preparedness scenarios vary enormously depending on whether or not they are “biological” as opposed to “undead” zombies”
Well, me Wonkies, can you explain that to me? What is a biological zombie?
[re=436774]InKnockYouUs[/re]: *puts on nerd hat*
A biological zombie is a zombie created via biological means, like a virus. An undead zombie would be a zombie created by a non-biological mechanism, like a comet passing.
Think 28 Days Later (biological) vs. Dawn of the Dead (undead).
*wedgies self*
*locks self in locker*
[re=436727]bynrdskynrd[/re]: Actually, (many years ago) I married an Eddie Haskel whom I tried to turn into a Ward 2.0. Didn’t work.
[re=436775]Cicada[/re]: I thought biological zombies came from Uranus?
Is the “Fair Jessica” a Russian (“Alaskan”) mail-order bride, or does he just want his readers to think that his Cambodian mail-order bride is actually “fair” rather than brownish?
[re=436779]Click[/re]: Maybe Uranus.
[re=436780]the problem child[/re]: Since she was “born from hardy stock” I figured he picked her up in the livestock barn at the county fair.
[re=436782]Cicada[/re]: Could be – although now you’ve got me eyeing my Comet with suspicion.
[re=436789]Click[/re]: All I know is that my ass spews nothing but sunshine and rainbows. SUNSHINE AND RAINBOWS!
[re=436508]Lazy Media[/re]: Dang, zombies are over? And I never got to see even one. Wait a minute, does Trent Lott count?
[re=436525]WarAndG[/re]: Rush ATE Jim Crow.
[re=436546]problemwithcaring[/re]: hmm – in my experience there never has been a shortage of dumb down on the farm
Jonah the Whale has probably seen Beijing more times than he’s seen Lake Superior; there are ships on the Great Lakes all of most winters, though the water temps get down to 34 F (Superior never gets above 65, even close to shore). Considering the 12 year-old level at which he writes, I wonder if piloting a boat is a bit beyond Jonah in any case. Besides, that neck of the woods has something ten times more horrorific than any zombie: Michele Bachmann.
As for the Rush-MLK comparison, I can only quote the late, great folksinger Bob Gibson, who on t.v.’s “Hootenanny” once sang, “Someone’s kidding, Lord, Kumbaya.”
Mike gamecock DeVine…Seems pretty clear who’s cock he’s been sucking lately.
Did he buy his degree from the Universal Life Church? If so, they have even fewer scruples than I had thought!
Jonah:”My wife and I just saw Zombieland.”
Haha, who’s he trying to fool, saying he has a wife.
I’m not falling for that one.
On the Newsom add, I actually liked it, and I like him as a candidate, which really kind of surprises me. Also, I too thought it was very Bobby Kennedy-esque, and had a catchy and creative “the house that Jack built” cadence to it. I don’t know what Newsom’s doing to me, but it’s sure as hell working. Sorry, Jerry.
Jonah, keep your hands of our Great Lakes, you damned, dirty conservative!
Mike DeVine, professional fuckwit, has a Web page with a photo of his double-chinned face and a story about his class-action bids to make a shitload of money, at http://mikedevinelaw.com/
Barry needs to appoint Jonah Goldberg as his Zombie Czar. Now, THERE’S bipartisanship.
Happy Biiiiiirthday, Mr. Preeeesident….
Don’t you guys get it? Zombies are a metaphor for uh…Democrats? Liberals? Aliens? Arabs? wait, wait, it will come to me.
Riley, thank you for mentioning Lake Superior, aka The Lake That They Call Gitchee Gumee. The legend, it’s said, never gives up its (un)dead, when the gales of November turn gloomy.
Pasty, anyone?
Well of course Bo Snerdly is black. What color would you expect Limbaugh’s slave to be?
[re=436826]Mull_Man[/re]: My point exactly.
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