HOORAY!  3:15 pm October 14, 2009

Church With Very Discriminating Palate Will Burn Everything

by Jim Newell

We do not know too much about Jesus literature. What kind of monstrously fucked-up prude porn is in the King James Bible that grants it — and it alone, out of EVERY ITEM EVER MADE — a stay from this North Carolina church’s Hell-o-ween holocaust? Maybe it’s the action scenes.

Also, and don’t even attempt to answer this: How does a human being become this insane? Imagine how hard you would have to work, mentally, for your whole life, training yourself to be as insane as fucking possible about everything, every object you see, every interaction you have, to the point where you would plan or attend this church’s Halloween book burning non-ironically, agreeing with each aspect of this itinerary on earnest grounds, actually believing that this event would result in some sort of pure, positive good, and then telling people in public, on the publicly available Internet, about this event. Try to imagine for yourself a hypothetical psychological path that would lead you to this sort of existence. “Clinical psychosis” won’t even get you halfway.

These people vote in elections that affect everyone.

(And obviously we support the burning of all of these terrible televangelist books — but not because they aren’t religious *enough*)

[Amazing Grace Baptist Church via Raw Story]

 
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{ 247 comments }

groove October 14, 2009 at 3:18 pm

Wouldn’t it save space, and be simpler, by indicating what they won’t be burning?

Kinkster October 14, 2009 at 3:18 pm

Ugh, they so missed a chance to burn the Koran. Allahu akbar!

Downtheroadapiece October 14, 2009 at 3:19 pm

I wonder if they’ll take my Mom’s Celine Dion CD’s off her hands….

Humpback October 14, 2009 at 3:19 pm

And let me start by sprinkling this gasoline all over everyone and everything here…

Buzz Feedback October 14, 2009 at 3:19 pm

Crazy Jews.

AggieDemocrat October 14, 2009 at 3:19 pm

Wouldn’t it be easier just to put the six books and CDs they approve of in a fireproof safe and then napalm the entire planet?

Crank Tango October 14, 2009 at 3:19 pm

so Satan’s Music is pretty much everything except the Blues and Clasical?

memzilla October 14, 2009 at 3:20 pm

Why would so many things be burnt at one time?

Two words, Jim: Insurance Fraud.

Another act by Our Son.

Advocatus_Diaboli October 14, 2009 at 3:20 pm

These people vote in elections that affect everyone.

Sadly, they also breed.

One Yield Regular October 14, 2009 at 3:20 pm

Curiously, though, they seem to be keeping their copies of Christopher Hitchens’ book.

Texan Bulldoggette October 14, 2009 at 3:20 pm

I was raised in rural OK & some roadside tent evangelist/snake handler/tongue talker once came to visit our Southern Baptist church. He had all the yokels burn their music cassettes (yes, I’m old). I didn’t burn mine but just buried them in the back of my closet. Who was crying Monday morning & who was listening to music on her bright blue Sony AM/FM cassette walkman?

But, yeah, go ahead & burn country music.

Lazy Media October 14, 2009 at 3:21 pm

Good ol’ Appalachia. Average congregation size is about 15 people, and they reckon that if the King James version was good enough for Peter and Paul, it’s good enough for them. One of the seven Protestant churches in the East Tennessee town where I grew up (population: 500) had one of those movable letter signs. One particularly memorable message: The Living Bible Can Send You To A Living Hell.

Snidely October 14, 2009 at 3:21 pm

A Beelzebub Bargain! Have you seen the price on a cord of wood this year?

Gopherit October 14, 2009 at 3:21 pm

Well, if you’ve gotta burn a book, burn a bible. that’s my motto.

Mustang October 14, 2009 at 3:21 pm

Could Wonkette get a street address? I’d like to be there to toss in Twilight, Crank, and anything by Nora Roberts

Colander October 14, 2009 at 3:22 pm

[re=434739]Crank Tango[/re]: I think indie rock got a pass too. Jesus reads Pitchfork, ironically enough.

Lazy Media October 14, 2009 at 3:23 pm

[re=434739]Crank Tango[/re]: Those fall under etc. Satan’s music is everything except what’s in the Southern Babdist hymnal.

knoxtheharpy October 14, 2009 at 3:23 pm

What are “oldies but goldies”? Is that like a death panel for grandma’s music?

Gopherit October 14, 2009 at 3:23 pm

[re=434745]Lazy Media[/re]: Right. And like any of them own any books other than the King James……or like they’d know where to buy one.

magic titty October 14, 2009 at 3:23 pm

Wow. I thought Kevin Spacey died at the end of Se7en??

Downtheroadapiece October 14, 2009 at 3:23 pm

I was greatly disappointed by the ‘Perversions’ page on their site. Not at all what I had hoped for.

Colander October 14, 2009 at 3:23 pm

Will they be burning Kindles, as a sight gag?

SmutBoffin October 14, 2009 at 3:24 pm

Conspicuously absent from Satan’s book list: LaVey, Crowley, etc.

queeraselvis v 2.0 October 14, 2009 at 3:24 pm

Oh hey, they’ll also be serving up bar-b-que at this little soiree. Dare I hope that they’ll be stoking the pit with some of these tomes? Nothing like a little eau de charred Purpose-Driven Life to perfectly complement dem thar burgers, steaks, and chickenz.

JMP October 14, 2009 at 3:24 pm

Well, of course they want to ban all the other Bibles; have you read them? Perverted as hell; with tons of incest and rape; not to mention a bunch of mindless sociopaths committing genocide, torture, slavery and other atrocities simply because their leaders think a voice in their heads told them to. Abominable. Of course, the King James version has that too.

Suds McKenzie October 14, 2009 at 3:25 pm

What would Jesus Burn ?

Gob October 14, 2009 at 3:25 pm

Finally someone’s gotten serious about burning soft and easy. I will send them my girlfriend’s ipod.

PlanetWingnuta October 14, 2009 at 3:26 pm

morans…the apostles never used a computer or email…so how come they aint burning a computer! morans morans nothing but morans.

predilectrix October 14, 2009 at 3:26 pm

It’s widely known Mother Teresa is the devil’s top-producing succubus.

queeraselvis v 2.0 October 14, 2009 at 3:26 pm

Oh hey, but they’ll also be serving up bar-b-que at this little soiree. Dare I hope that they’ll stoke the pit with some of these tomes? Nothing like a little aroma of charred Purpose-Driven Life to perfectly complement the burgers, steaks, and chickens.

AbstinenceOnly Ed October 14, 2009 at 3:26 pm

My eyes just hemorrhaged blood. Miracle? Or did the internet just have a stroke…

JMP October 14, 2009 at 3:27 pm

[re=434739]Crank Tango[/re]: Heavy Metal fans should be incensed that they’re lumping all those wimpy genres with the real Satan’s music.

trondant October 14, 2009 at 3:28 pm

Burning the Left Behind series? Here’s a match.

steve October 14, 2009 at 3:28 pm

A) Huzzah for burning Dobson’s books and
B) I think that bands like Lamb of God, Iron Maiden, etc. would be really into this sort of event. “Burn! Our! Records! DOOM! FIRE! DEATH! Guitar Soloooo!” etc.

queeraselvis v 2.0 October 14, 2009 at 3:28 pm

[re=434765]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: Damn duplicate. Sorry.

Spiderfrommars October 14, 2009 at 3:29 pm

Perhaps you need a small vacation, Jim, or a drink. Seriously.

problemwithcaring October 14, 2009 at 3:29 pm

Finally, someone taking a stance against oldies but goldies!

iwillsavethispatient October 14, 2009 at 3:29 pm

They apparently have not yet heard of “The God Delusion” by Richard Dawkins. Or they burnt them all last year.

Are they buying these books especially, to line the coffers of these great Satanists? I believe the phrase is “Capitalism Fail!”

I also love how they specify the King James bible as God’s word. I’m sure King Jimmy had no ulterior motives when he commissioned a new bible.

One Yield Regular October 14, 2009 at 3:29 pm

Oh great good god. Thank you SOOOOOO much, Jim, for the link to that church’s web site. The rest of my day is RUINED.

Under “Hollywood=Follywood,” for example, concerning the Satanic Britney Spears:

“Plain and simple. Briney is a fornicator that is headed to hell based on her fruit, lifestyle.”

The Other Sarah T October 14, 2009 at 3:30 pm

So that pretty much leaves polka and drum’n’bass

Carson October 14, 2009 at 3:31 pm

I wonder how many people at the book-burning will call Obama a Nazi.

disgustedcitizen October 14, 2009 at 3:31 pm

These backward hicks just can get it through their thick skulls that book burning is considered a bad, and well, backward, thing.

SayItWithWookies October 14, 2009 at 3:31 pm

[re=434745]Lazy Media[/re]: Good guess — his congregation numbers 14.
And I must admit they’ve done an end run on one of my fantasies, which was to attend a church-sponsored book burning and sneak a Bible in there. And my only version of the KJV is my Cowboy Illustrated Bible, which I don’t want to burn. It’s just the regular KJV but with a section at the beginning with cowboy photos (steer roping, bronc busting, etc.) and some selected verses that sort of apply.

Min October 14, 2009 at 3:32 pm

“If the King James bible was good enough for Jesus, it’s good enough for me.”

iwillsavethispatient October 14, 2009 at 3:32 pm

Will Amazon now come out with a new combustible Kindle, for this niche market?

Wugou October 14, 2009 at 3:32 pm

@ Colander: Wouldn’t they also have to burn the web page and any fliers they use to advertise this dandy little event? You know, to ensure the great pyre thoroughly cleanses that which taints the good people of the earth and makes baby Jesus cry AKA Satan’s tainty taint?

To burn the web page I would use the tags & or just whatever random tags I could find lying around gop.com.

petehammer October 14, 2009 at 3:32 pm

Wait, what? Are they left or right? The King James Bible is the one that says “thou shalt not kill” (not the right-wing perverted version – thou shalt not murder… which lets soldiers, etc, off the hook and is in certain versions of the bible). KJ is the most poetic of the bibles listed.

Plus, all their books are religious books, from either conservative christian to more middle-of-the-road christian.

I don’t get it. Are they more right-wing than these people or more left-wing? The book-burning says right-wing but the books themselves say left-wing… so confusing!

SmutBoffin October 14, 2009 at 3:32 pm

[re=434766]AbstinenceOnly Ed[/re]: The choice of color/typeface is an attempt by this terrifying church to burn thought itself.

Flanders October 14, 2009 at 3:32 pm

Oh jeebus thank you for this website! I’m torn between “perversions”, “sports news” and “jokes” at the moment…..

Carson October 14, 2009 at 3:33 pm

They really ought to wait for Palin’s book to be released.

ChernobylSoup v2 October 14, 2009 at 3:33 pm

The church’s youth group is going to be awfully surprised when they learn that the burning of music doesn’t mean they’re getting free copies of Green Day from the minister’s laptop.

sagebrush October 14, 2009 at 3:33 pm

Clicking on the link and going to “Contact Us” yields the address:

Amazing Grace Baptist Church
6841 Cruso Road
Canton , N.C. 28716
Phone: 828-648-0213

They also have a link for “Driving Directions”.

shortsshortsshorts October 14, 2009 at 3:33 pm

BURN THE WHOLE FUCKING THING DOWN. BURN. IT DOWN.

BURN! FIRE!!111! HELLFIRE !!1 DAMNATION! 1! DESTRUCTION!!!11 BURN THEM. BURN BURN LIKE MAD!11 BURN THAT WHICH YOU HAVE ALREADY BURNED!!1! HAPPY HALLOWEEEEEEN!11

Terry October 14, 2009 at 3:34 pm

Wow, I’m used to churches like this only going after Catholics, Jews, and athesists. Throwing Lahaye, Roberts, Dobson, etc in with us sort of ruins the neighborhood. I demand a two tiered burning event! Classic foes and Modern foes!

el_chupacabra October 14, 2009 at 3:34 pm

http://amazinggracebaptistchurchkjv.com/gpage20.html

what’s a book-burning church without humors after all.

freakishlystrong October 14, 2009 at 3:34 pm

Holy shit!

Cape Clod October 14, 2009 at 3:35 pm

Is the conservative Bible included in the burn list?

Servo October 14, 2009 at 3:35 pm

[re=434753]magic titty[/re]:
I don’t see them specifically listed, but I’m certain those Barbara Mandrell mixtapes are implied.

AggieDemocrat October 14, 2009 at 3:35 pm

[re=434780]SayItWithWookies[/re]: So, you have a gay Bible?

Doglessliberal October 14, 2009 at 3:35 pm

[re=434733]Kinkster[/re]: I think they are afraid to even touch it. They think the Muslin cooties will get all over them and they will turn into Obamatards.

Terry October 14, 2009 at 3:35 pm

Oh, by chance, does that church’s web page have a comments area or a Contact Us option?

Extemporanus October 14, 2009 at 3:36 pm

TRUE FACT: Marshmallows roasted over a bonfire of bibles are called “angelnutz”.

queeraselvis v 2.0 October 14, 2009 at 3:36 pm

[re=434784]petehammer[/re]: Up has always been down, black has always been white, EastAsia has always been at war with Oceania.

maven October 14, 2009 at 3:36 pm

You left out the best part of the document on http://amazinggracebaptistchurchkjv.com/Download99.html:

We will be serving Bar-b-Que Chicken, fried chicken, and all the sides.

(what does “all the sides” mean?)

problemwithcaring October 14, 2009 at 3:37 pm

I’m torn here, because this type of open air burn is bad for air quality. Too bad the King James versions didn’t promote the recycling of the curious arts of the Great Whore Catholic Church.

shortsshortsshorts October 14, 2009 at 3:37 pm

[re=434799]AggieDemocrat[/re]: Wrong. The Bible is the Gay one.

Manos: Hands of Fate October 14, 2009 at 3:38 pm

The funny thing is King James was as queer as a three-dollar bill. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/James_I_of_England

Cape Clod October 14, 2009 at 3:38 pm

[re=434750]Lazy Media[/re]: I am suprised the didn’t list disco prominantly. Can’t see that being too popular down in Deliverence country.

Aflac Shrugged October 14, 2009 at 3:38 pm

The website helpfully let me know that only the KJV counts as the only literal and inspired Word of God – which must mean that the two previous English editions and the Greek or Latin texts used as KJV’s source material are perversions. Of something created after them.

How I’d love to watch members of this church work a Sudoku.

freakishlystrong October 14, 2009 at 3:38 pm

As batshit as this is, I’m down with burning all contemporary Xtian music.

mayor October 14, 2009 at 3:38 pm

The only form of music left will be ska and nu-metal. In that world I think the living will envy the dead.

bitchincamaro October 14, 2009 at 3:39 pm

Couldn’t they just burn a fucking cross, and leave it at that?

shadowMark October 14, 2009 at 3:39 pm

For reasons I don’t want to go into I own a DVD of Michael Bay’s “Transformers.” Maybe for Halloween I’ll burn that just incorporate some religion into my fall celebrations.

V572625694 October 14, 2009 at 3:39 pm

Lit scholars (like you, Jim!) know that the KJV is better written than all subsequent versions. King James commissioned a death panel of scholars to put together an official English version, and the result is often cited as the only exception to the rules that committees can’t do anything right.

Look up the 23rd Psalm in KJV and RSV, or worse yet, one of those non-conservative bibles that that uses gender-neutral language.

Not a believer myself, of course, just another dummy who wasted his college years reading Keats, Donne, Blake, etc.

Lionel Hutz Esq. October 14, 2009 at 3:39 pm

Satan is way to cool to be listening to modern Country, “soft and easy,” or Contemporary Christian. I am pretty sure he has some killer DJs, though.

Interestingly enough, the King James, while beautiful poetry, is a pretty sloppy translation. I guess expecting every one to learn Greek was out, so they went with the one written in English like God, Abraham, Moses and Jesus actually spoke, with all the “thee”s, “Thou”s and “Ye”s.

I am a little bit scared that I do agree with their book selections, although how the hell did Dawkins and Hitchens survive? Wait, guess I answered my own question.

Seanyboy October 14, 2009 at 3:40 pm

[re=434754]Downtheroadapiece[/re]: Yeah I don’t get it. Dickens and Shakespeare are okay? I’m beginning these people don’t have any particular religious motives, they’re just English language purists. I mean “They were, of course, speaking of The Authorized Version, the one that came into being when the England of King James was scoured for translators & scholars. It was a time when the English language had reached it’s peak of richness & beauty.”

RoscoePColtraine October 14, 2009 at 3:40 pm

A good, ol’ fashioned book burning just doesn’t have the same wallop in the intertoob age.

SayItWithWookies October 14, 2009 at 3:40 pm

[re=434799]AggieDemocrat[/re]: I’ll have you know all the cowboys — all the hot, brawny, dusty, sweaty cowboys — in my Cowboy Illustrated Bible are fully clothed.

Extemporanus October 14, 2009 at 3:40 pm

[re=434749]Colander[/re]: Jesus was emo for our sins.

ManchuCandidate October 14, 2009 at 3:42 pm

Who doesn’t hate Kenny G?

Sara in the West October 14, 2009 at 3:42 pm

Under “mixed nuts” on the website is pictures of the good reverend’s family & they are very cruel to poor Hannah who apparently is having trouble getting a husband…

bureaucrap October 14, 2009 at 3:42 pm

Shouldn’t they be burning the internet?

Doglessliberal October 14, 2009 at 3:42 pm

[re=434821]Seanyboy[/re]: You are assuming they have HEARD of those authors. If you cannot find it in the window of the local Barnes & Noble, I think it is beyond their ken.

el_chupacabra October 14, 2009 at 3:42 pm

oh god that sports page is the best thing ever. Jeff Garcia! ahahah!

Crank Tango October 14, 2009 at 3:42 pm

well, at any rate I hope it is as fun as Maebe’s “CD burning party”

qwerty42 October 14, 2009 at 3:42 pm

Well, all is not lost:
“We will be serving Bar-b-Que Chicken, fried chicken, and all the sides.”
Church groups like this probably have great fried chicken. Probably corn muffins too. So there’s that.
OTOH, they sound as though they are chock full o’nuts.
And why wasn’t the Catholic bible mentioned (Douay-Rheims)? Are these some kind of covert papists? Popery rears its head!!

Cape Clod October 14, 2009 at 3:43 pm

[re=434796]freakishlystrong[/re]: “Holy shit!”
I’m sure they have an opinion about that too.

The Other Sarah T October 14, 2009 at 3:43 pm

Re, Maven :
“what does “all the sides” mean?”

Stigmata and extra chromosomes

Canmon (the Inadequate) October 14, 2009 at 3:43 pm

Burn the Dead Sea Scrolls!!

Gorillionaire October 14, 2009 at 3:44 pm

Canton, NC is not even close to being the most backwoods part of the mountain region. The fact that a newspaper reporter lived to bring us this story is all the proof you need.
I grew up not too far from there, and my grandparents “Holiness” church featured floor rolling fits, speaking in tongues and other such crazy shit at least twice a week. Every sermon seemed to be about the coming apocalypse. Every minister looked like a 1970′s used car salesman, and probably was. My grandparents eventually quit going to the church because they felt it had gotten too “modern”.

Strongy O October 14, 2009 at 3:44 pm

[re=434795]el_chupacabra[/re]:
“Jokes Jokes Jokes Jokes Jokes Jokes Jokes”

c-freak October 14, 2009 at 3:44 pm

finally a cage match i can get behind : Pastor Grizzard’s gals VS the Spanish Witches. my $ is on the Spanish Witches.

taylormattd October 14, 2009 at 3:44 pm

ect

charlesdegoal October 14, 2009 at 3:45 pm

Funniest site ever. Great music. Great sermons: “It is obvious in this picture that John Bunyan has long hair. Some of you may think that I wouldn’t dare say anything against a man who wrote Pilgrim’s Progress. I dare say the Holy Scriptures of God are more important, and John Bunyan was in sin having long hair. I don’t care who it is, the Bible is our final authority in all matters.”
The Bible (King James) says to cut your hair, so do it! I don’t care if your name is Jesus, just do it!

TGY October 14, 2009 at 3:45 pm

I doubt they actually have any books to burn.

bitchincamaro October 14, 2009 at 3:45 pm

You can email the pastor here: jonmarcgrizzard@aol.com

Sinners welcome.

Sharkey October 14, 2009 at 3:45 pm

[re=434755]Colander[/re]: “Will they be burning Kindles, as a sight gag?”

Yes, as well as a computer displaying Amazon on its screen. Which will, of course, destroy the whole Amazon website.

SnarkNotFark October 14, 2009 at 3:46 pm

OK, I can see burning most of the others as Jebus-hatin’ heretics, but when you find John McArthur to be too liberal, now thats saying something.

LeHanzka October 14, 2009 at 3:46 pm

It’s good to see these people keeping tabs on Andy Dick.

mephistopheles jefferson October 14, 2009 at 3:46 pm

I like that after their exhaustive lists, they still felt the need to write “etc.” – or “ect.”, as in one instance, which I take to mean they’ll be burning reference books on Latin abbreviations.

Gorillionaire October 14, 2009 at 3:46 pm

[re=434805]maven[/re]: That would be “slaw”, city slicker!

shadowMark October 14, 2009 at 3:47 pm

[re=434825]Extemporanus[/re]: If Jesus was Kurt Cobain then Mary Magdalene was Courtney Love. That church is going to burn you for initiating this line of thought.

Holy Cow!! October 14, 2009 at 3:47 pm

Well, I was just going to go out and get drunk or pick up someone for anonymous sex.

But now, I’m so going to the book burning!

Jim Newell October 14, 2009 at 3:47 pm

[re=434772]Spiderfrommars[/re]: Typing is my vacation, friend! Type type type type! Must type…

magic titty October 14, 2009 at 3:48 pm

[re=434808]Manos: Hands of Fate[/re]: I was about to mention that. Ahhh, crazy Christians. Love.Them.

Doglessliberal October 14, 2009 at 3:50 pm

[re=434855]Gorillionaire[/re]: and potato salad, made with a shitload of mayo.

assistant/atlas October 14, 2009 at 3:50 pm

How un-American! Believing in the KING James Bible. Real fundamentalists learn Aramaic.

EdFlinstone October 14, 2009 at 3:50 pm

That site is unfuckingbelievable. Suprisingly they do have a school with a 2009 graduation class of one student.

el_chupacabra October 14, 2009 at 3:51 pm

http://amazinggracebaptistchurchkjv.com/gpage30.html

Apparently Chuck Norris requires no explanation. SIN!

mardam422 October 14, 2009 at 3:51 pm

[re=434795]el_chupacabra[/re]: I clicked on the linky and ended up with Michael Steele dancing on GOP.com.

WTF?

facehead October 14, 2009 at 3:51 pm

They’re not burning Wonkette? Racists.

dekko October 14, 2009 at 3:52 pm

The site is an amazing pastiche of crazy, though a bit of a disappointment in the condemning of film department. They blast off a lot of steam in their “Hollywood = Follywood” area, but the sole points of focus are a tirade against “Sex in the City”[sic] and a sole, lonely photo from some movie called “Billy.”

shadowMark October 14, 2009 at 3:53 pm

[re=434858]Jim Newell[/re]: Is this thread about “fire” just modern viral advertising for Katherine Neville’s “The Fire?”

With an alchemical skill, Neville blends a modern romance, historical fiction, and a medieval mystery…and comes up with gold

sezme October 14, 2009 at 3:53 pm

Burn all the books you want. Just don’t burn the chicken.

Also, here’s a nice quote from the church’s website:

Warning!!

It is true that these Gullion Book Stores only sale KJV only Bibles, but in there stores they sale all kinds of heretics, mostly with no warning. It is true that they do sale a lot of good books both new and used that you will not find in Lifeway, and other so-called Christian Book Stores.

SenatePage October 14, 2009 at 3:53 pm

I present to you the poem written by the pastor about his father. Grizzard WUZ ROBBED of the Nobel Prize for Literature. This brilliant piece of verse evokes the great bards of yore:
MY HERO!
There was a Preacher’s Son,
who loved his daddy a ton.
He thought the world of him,
because he was his best Friend.
Close by his side he would stand,
cause everything he did was so grand.
Superman, Batman, and Robin were zero’s,
when compared to his daddy his hero.
Greater than any policeman or fireman to me,
for he led me to Jesus you see.

by Marc Grizzard

RoscoePColtraine October 14, 2009 at 3:53 pm

[re=434865]assistant/atlas[/re]: If they ain’t serving locusts and honey at their covered dish suppers, they’re going to BURN IN HELL.

Sharkey October 14, 2009 at 3:54 pm

[re=434795]el_chupacabra[/re]: ” http://amazinggracebaptistchurchkjv.com/gpage20.html

what’s a book-burning church without humors after all.”

From “Rules of the South”: 10. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.

They’ve got quite a list going!

queeraselvis v 2.0 October 14, 2009 at 3:55 pm

[re=434864]Doglessliberal[/re]: And yeasty rolls that they got by the case at the Canton Wal-Mart. NEVAR FORGIT!

Min October 14, 2009 at 3:56 pm

[re=434803]Extemporanus[/re]: So, if you pressed angelnutz and chocolate bars between graham crackers, would that make s’gommorahs?

kolya October 14, 2009 at 3:56 pm

What I always love about these special kind of Baptists is their total ignorance of the fact that King James for whom their favorite translation of the Bible was commissioned and named was a notorious (Gasp) homosexual. Seriously, look it up.

mirrorball October 14, 2009 at 3:57 pm

So will they be burning the Conservapedia Bible? Or at least their servers?

facehead October 14, 2009 at 3:57 pm

Out of respect for humanity I will quietly believe this is a joke (as I sit back and listen to my satanic “soft and easy” music while reciting the demonic texts of Billy Graham).

The Cap' October 14, 2009 at 3:57 pm

[re=434739]Crank Tango[/re]: And music from minstrel shows

Flanders October 14, 2009 at 3:58 pm

OMG this is too fuckin’ much. DO NOT MISS “Jesus Loves Me – Micah Grizzard”

andmeilikethesauce October 14, 2009 at 3:58 pm

Thoughts on the books they’re burning:

“Westcott and Hort” is an edition of the Greek New Testament, which made conspicuous use of the two earliest manuscripts of the New Testament, Codex Sinaiticus and Codex Vaticanus A. The KJB used Erasmus’ Greek text, which he lazily based on the half-dozen 15c manuscripts available to him.

“Bruce Metzger” wrote “The Text of the New Testament” which points this out (among other things).

Why do these guys hate the more authoritative texts of the NT? Honestly, I don’t know. There’s nothing distinctly librul about them. Those guys are just crazy.

Blue_in_VA October 14, 2009 at 3:58 pm

Ect. Also, Such as.

shadowMark October 14, 2009 at 3:59 pm

[re=434875]SenatePage[/re]: I don’t think that was the guy Dusty Springfield sang about:

Being good isn’t always easy
No matter how hard I try
When he started sweet-talkin to me
He’d come and tell me everything is all right
He’d kiss and tell me everything is all right
Can I get away again tonight?

The only one who could ever reach me
Was the son of a preacher man
The only boy who could ever teach me
Was the son of a preacher man
Yes he was, he was
Lord knows he was

Extemporanus October 14, 2009 at 3:59 pm

[re=434856]shadowMark[/re]: Then who is God?

I’m thinking Phil Spector, or maybe Lou Pearlman since he’s Jewish.

Doglessliberal October 14, 2009 at 3:59 pm

[re=434880]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: and gallons of sweet tea. What do you think the average BMI is for this crowd? I mean, one assumes everyone is overweight, so we are just talking gradations of monstrously obese.

Sharkey October 14, 2009 at 4:00 pm

Who would have guessed TROGDOR the BURNINATOR goes to church?

AggieDemocrat October 14, 2009 at 4:01 pm

That site hurts my eyes. And why do they have six dozen different preachers? (Cf. the endless roll-call of “Sermon by…” links on the left nav.)

Prommie October 14, 2009 at 4:01 pm

[re=434784]petehammer[/re]: These people start with the presumption that all literature, music, and media is evil, except bibles, religious books, religious music, and now, this burning is to cleanse them even further, and tell them which are the right and wrong bibles, religious books, and hymns.

Reefpilot October 14, 2009 at 4:01 pm

North Carolina, how I fucking hate thee. I wish General Sherman had spent more time down here during his parlay through these godless evil lands… a lot more time.

Last month some organized group of baptist crazies had apparently gotten permission from Wal Mart to harass patrons with Chic tracts, as well as deface private property by jamming their illiterate hate pamphlets written by a shitty cartoonist under windshield wipers.

My wife complained to the manager. Jack shit happened. Hell, I bet 9/10s of the managerial team were fully onboard.

Though next time some old or baptist psycho hands you one of those green little new tesaments, accept it. It makes for great target practice with the trusty plinker gun. :0

RoscoePColtraine October 14, 2009 at 4:02 pm

They’ve conspicuously left Broadway off their list of perversions. Mel Brooks’ The Producers is sure to cause angst. Keep it Gay, keep it gay, keep it gay!

Texan Bulldoggette October 14, 2009 at 4:03 pm

[re=434864]Doglessliberal[/re]: Not mayo–Baconnaise

http://www.baconnaise.com/

problemwithcaring October 14, 2009 at 4:03 pm

[re=434787]Flanders[/re]: I know. One of the horrible “jokes” (their quotes, not mine) comes from a 1993 Readers Digest. What’s taking ‘em so long to burn *that* shit?

finette October 14, 2009 at 4:04 pm

I tried to fill out their survey inappropriately (that is, truthfully), but I think the form’s not set up right. :(

Doglessliberal October 14, 2009 at 4:04 pm

[re=434897]Prommie[/re]: so, they are the Taliban. At their next picnic: stoning adultresses to death!

JesusButter October 14, 2009 at 4:04 pm

why, under “Devil Vision” is there just a picture of Bart Simpson?

steve October 14, 2009 at 4:05 pm

Why is “country” separate from “western” – does it change once it crosses the Mississippi and if they burn “soft and easy” what will be played in dentists’ offices and elevators?

el_chupacabra October 14, 2009 at 4:06 pm

BURN!

http://amazinggracebaptistchurchkjv.com/subpage410.html

Democrats

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on US 95 south, just outside of Washington.
Nothing is moving north or south.

Suddenly a man knocks on his window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, “What happened?” “What’s the hold up?”

“Terrorists have kidnapped Ted Kennedy, Jesse Jackson, Obama, and Al Sharpton.

They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. ”

“We are going from car to car, taking up a collection.”

The driver asks, “on average how much is everyone giving?”

waiting….

wondering….

waiting….

wondering…..

“About a gallon”

Doglessliberal October 14, 2009 at 4:06 pm

[re=434901]Texan Bulldoggette[/re]: “NOW, With More Cholestrol!” (TM)

Egregious October 14, 2009 at 4:06 pm

Ah the poetry of the King James bible…

“And the Lord descendeth on a flaming pie and spaketh thus to fattened masses, “Lo, be not afraid. Your dwindling number shall be embiggoned with an army of Skoal Rebels and they shall smite the first borne of those who dare not draggeth their knuckles when they walketh upon the earth or close their mouths when they draweth breath.” – Efezuns: 3.7

problemwithcaring October 14, 2009 at 4:07 pm

[re=434754]Downtheroadapiece[/re]: Same here re: “Barack on Gays.”

Johnny Zhivago October 14, 2009 at 4:08 pm

Whewww…. Looks like Countrypolitan music is safe!!

Downtheroadapiece October 14, 2009 at 4:09 pm

[re=434810]Aflac Shrugged[/re]: It would have to be done with colored marbles or disciples because instead of digits as I’m pretty sure this ain’t a book learnin’ crowd. All them numbers and such would be too intellectual.

Gopherit October 14, 2009 at 4:09 pm

[re=434910]el_chupacabra[/re]: and they’ll know we are christians by our love, by our love, and they will know we are christians by our love.

fuckers.

Saragon October 14, 2009 at 4:11 pm

Okay, according to the Wonkettelettes above me, these lazy pyromaniacs are letting classical, blues, indie rock, polka, drum’n’bass, ska, and nu metal slide. These guys really need to get on this thing – I mean, this is just amateurish.

Although Jesus appears to be totally down with techno. And world music. Which is making me think that this a lefty purge.

Redhead October 14, 2009 at 4:13 pm

Scroll to the bottom of their “what we believe” page (http://amazinggracebaptistchurchkjv.com/about.html) and look at the picture of the guy that they think is so great. “Dr. Jack Hyles along with many other great men of God have taught us to stay with God, to keep by the stuff, to stick with the King James Bible, not to remove the ancient landmarks, to keep pressing on, to get the job done, and that’s what were going to do.”

That picture of this Dr. Hyles (and the sections called “Spurgeon’s wisdom” and “Mixed Nuts” and “Perversions” and “Got Issues?” and “Hollywood = Follywood” and “Devil Vision” and “‘The Great Whore’” and “‘Read the Instructions’”) goes a long way towards explaining why they may be so crazy. Hint: it has to do with a whole bunch of inbreeding amongst NC mountain hillbillies.

hobospacejunkie October 14, 2009 at 4:13 pm

Just so long as they keep a version of the bible that talks about horse dicks & horse cum, or is it donkey dicks & donkey cum, whatever, fine by me, just keep the equine weener & equine emission version.

El Pinche October 14, 2009 at 4:13 pm

They can Jon McNaughton’s work in there too as tinder. It’s oil-based which burns like a KKK cross dowsed in moonshine.

Jim89048 October 14, 2009 at 4:14 pm

As long as they don’t go burinin’ those sweet, sweet SkoalRebel guitar solos, we’ll be just fine…

forgracie October 14, 2009 at 4:14 pm

FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! Suck it libtards!

thefrontpage October 14, 2009 at 4:15 pm

Yo, what up, change the game, church crazies!

El Pinche October 14, 2009 at 4:16 pm

[re=434942]El Pinche[/re]: They can toss..,that is.

Marlowe October 14, 2009 at 4:16 pm

What, no Ayers books??
Comsymps

Tommmcatt October 14, 2009 at 4:17 pm

[re=434753]magic titty[/re]:

That’s from the upcoming sequel, 8ight.

norbizness October 14, 2009 at 4:19 pm

Oh no! Not Brennan Manning!

Extemporanus October 14, 2009 at 4:19 pm

[re=434953]Marlowe[/re]: Yeah there are.

Dreams from My Father and <The Audacity of Hope are both on the list.

kentuckienne2 October 14, 2009 at 4:22 pm

Ha, there was a church in my hometown that had regular burnings. They tended towards Harry Potter books, though, as in their worldview it is entirely possible to levitate a feather with a stick, provided you’re heathen enough.

Extemporanus October 14, 2009 at 4:22 pm

[re=434955]Tommmcatt[/re]: And N9IN will round out the trilogy, with Kevin Spacey as Hitler.

Come here a minute October 14, 2009 at 4:23 pm

Thanks to Sarah Vowell I know that the King James Version goes kind of soft on monarchs. (I suppose I really didn’t need to read The Wordy Shipmates to guess that one.)

I wonder who is their choice of monarch.

Their color palette is not very discriminating.

problemwithcaring October 14, 2009 at 4:27 pm

[re=434909]steve[/re]: [re=434905]JesusButter[/re]: So adorable with your “whys”.

Doglessliberal October 14, 2009 at 4:32 pm

[re=434970]Extemporanus[/re]: OK, so they object to non-fiction, too? An autobiography is not OK?

nerd1951 October 14, 2009 at 4:35 pm

I’m giving up all of my phsyc meds. I’ve decided that I don’t really need them after all. I really couldn’t get this crazy if I tried.

BTW: Where is Darwin on this list? I’m sure he would feel slighted.

smitallica October 14, 2009 at 4:38 pm

You can have my contempory Christian music when you pry it from my cold, dead, stigmata’d hands.

Extemporanus October 14, 2009 at 4:42 pm

[re=434881]Min[/re]: Only if you use billy graham crackers.

[re=434997]Doglessliberal[/re]: The burning of William Ayers two novels chronicling the fictional exploits of “Barack Hussein Obama” is clearly justified—it’s the only thing that might dissuade him from writing a third. We sure as hell don’t want another “Harry Potter” situation on our hands, now do we?

Seanyboy October 14, 2009 at 4:42 pm

[re=434830]Doglessliberal[/re]: I mean they specifically mention Dickens and Shakespeare in that “perversions” section.

AtlasHugged October 14, 2009 at 4:43 pm

Directly from the website, apparently they like to burn Dems too!

http://amazinggracebaptistchurchkjv.com/subpage410.html

Democrats

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on US 95 south, just outside of Washington.
Nothing is moving north or south.

Suddenly a man knocks on his window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, “What happened?” “What’s the hold up?”

“Terrorists have kidnapped Ted Kennedy, Jesse Jackson, Obama, and Al Sharpton.

They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. ”

“We are going from car to car, taking up a collection.”

The driver asks, “on average how much is everyone giving?”

waiting….

wondering….

waiting….

wondering…..

“About a gallon”

timmy_the_tooth October 14, 2009 at 4:44 pm

I actually think this is sad, it looks like they never got over the death of their son.

http://amazinggracebaptistchurchkjv.com/gpage5.html

imissopus October 14, 2009 at 4:44 pm

Perhaps the fumes from all those burning records and CDs will help usher these folks off to heaven. Or at least to the hospital, which can turn away any without insurance.

AtlasHugged October 14, 2009 at 4:45 pm

And the church contact address is an @aol. Egad. Also.

WadISay October 14, 2009 at 4:45 pm

Frankly, I never understood how a loving, caring God could have given us “contemporary Christian.”

iolanthe October 14, 2009 at 4:46 pm

Cool! They’re not burning any electronic music! Jesus must be OK with my collection of Crystal Method CDs.

Crankenstank October 14, 2009 at 4:46 pm

As one who’s actually read the thing in English and koine Greek, I say to thee: better ye brush yeselves up on ye olde aramaic, because King James’ minions didst edit quite a bit.

By the way, how do you burn an MP3 or a Kindle version, anyway? My memory from back in the early 21st century is that burning such things actually creates more copies of them.

Redhead October 14, 2009 at 4:49 pm

PS – the comments on this site (http://www.kwtx.com/home/headlines/64164232.html?storySection=comments) are hilarious.

” Posted by: Antonio Location: New York on Oct 14, 2009 at 02:49 PM

U see,although Rick Warren, Tim Lahey, Joyce Meyers, Joel Olsteen and others are indeed poor misguided Christians, this kind of behaviour towards them is not warranted. This Church is even more misguided by makind Christians look bad which is what the “Enemy” wants. Pray for them. PS: Billy Graham did sell out to the vatican and said Jesus is not needed and EVERYONE is saved. “

Capricatony October 14, 2009 at 4:50 pm

This Satan kid seems to have his shit together. What’s the deal, God? You created Satan for Christ’s sake yet You can’t even corner the market on Bibles and country music?

One Yield Regular October 14, 2009 at 4:51 pm

I *think* they have a little bit more work to do on their “Index of Well-Known Homosexuals”:

http://amazinggracebaptistchurchkjv.com/gpage50.html

inner_bomber October 14, 2009 at 4:54 pm

Obviously a bunch of reformist heretics. EVERYBODY KNOWS the original word of god was the Vulgate, in Latin (god’s favorite tongue — besides Jenny McCarthy’s), by my namesake St. Jerome, patron saint of librarians, Jewish comedians and one-hit neurotic writers whose book ends up being read by everyone in our gulag skoolz.

S.Luggo October 14, 2009 at 4:55 pm

Why isn’t Jimmy Buffett or Carla Bruni on the damn list? The Church of the Holy Bonfire is so selective.

JSDC007 October 14, 2009 at 4:56 pm

But would BBQ chicken taste any good if it were cooked over the flames of burning Miley Cyrus CDs?

S.Luggo October 14, 2009 at 4:57 pm

[re=435014]smitallica[/re]: Does that include John AshCroft?

inner_bomber October 14, 2009 at 4:57 pm

oops. I missed something. Are they going to burn those Chick Publications gospel tracts? If so, we need to call the Blue Helmets and charge somebody with a crime against humanity

AggieDemocrat October 14, 2009 at 5:00 pm

[re=435058]One Yield Regular[/re]: Either that, or someone has a specific beef with Rembert Weakland. (BTW, The Most Rev. Gene Robinson is probably feeling a bit left out…)

KilgoreTrout_XL October 14, 2009 at 5:02 pm

They’re going to burn “ect.”? Those bastards!

irisheyesagain October 14, 2009 at 5:03 pm

Well clearly, “Eats Shoots Leaves” was on the burnin’ list.

teebob2000 October 14, 2009 at 5:11 pm

[re=434827]Sara in the West[/re]: I like picture number 37; straight outta Deliverance!!

Catholics4Condoms October 14, 2009 at 5:11 pm

This is great. The first admendment allows for freedom of religion. freedom of religion is a good thing. It means that all Americans are compelled to join and tithe at the American Christian Church. We can be Jew, Buddhists, Wiccans or Atheists. But all good things have a down side. Just as drinking is fun but not the hangover, this is like a first amendment hangover.

That church only has 14 members. 14 conservative baptists in the Smokeys will not own that many books. They probably had to raise money to buy them. That is more money for the writers and musicians.

THe line in the article that I liked the most is from the Pastor: “The only interpretation of the Bible that I allow is my interpretation” Conservatards love authoritairianism.

balsa_wood October 14, 2009 at 5:12 pm

I agree with pretty much all of these burnings, but LAY OFF JAZZ, MAN.

S.Luggo October 14, 2009 at 5:12 pm

The list of heretics includes Robert Schuller. Even a broken watch is right twice a day.

It also includes:
Karl Lachmann (1793-1851)
“Had long hair.”

PsycGirl October 14, 2009 at 5:13 pm

[re=435034]imissopus[/re]: I went to school with a woman from Canton. According to her, the whole town is perfumed with that paper manufacturer smell. It’s serious sulfur. So I don’t think the book fumes will even be noticeable.
According to my friend, when an “outsider” complained about the smell, a Cantonite would reply “Smells like money to me”.

Mookey October 14, 2009 at 5:17 pm

And what goes best with bbq and fried chicken at a book burnin’? Kool-Aid!!!!

PuffAdder October 14, 2009 at 5:24 pm

I got off after visiting the church’s website. Is that wrong?

PoignancySelz October 14, 2009 at 5:24 pm

It’s not even really a book burning…..

Historical note:
The only actual picture of a book burning or significant book burning I know of was in Deutschland circa 1938…
And how did that work out

Flanders October 14, 2009 at 5:29 pm

[re=435032]timmy_the_tooth[/re]: I call bullshit. Isn’t he supposed to be happily cavorting the sweet fields of heaven with jeebus now??? If the death of their son causes them sadness, then they are just hypocrites. Well, put in that context, maybe you’re on to something there after all.

CaiteeCruelle October 14, 2009 at 5:29 pm

[re=434874]sezme[/re]: Wow. Y’know, I bet they really do pronounce “sell” as “sale”, so it’s truly misspelling rather than a grammatical error.

I’d talk about the actual meaning of the post, but I don’t want to wind up crouched in the corner of my cube, shivering.

zaccapeters October 14, 2009 at 5:32 pm

I’m too lazy to check the official tabulations so I’ll settle for conjecture. Do these ignorami vote or have they opted out entirely? When I feel sympathy for them I get an eerily real vision of the Tundra Twattard being sworn in as preznit on AF1. I will think of something else if they have sworn off voting.

WadISay October 14, 2009 at 5:33 pm

I love it; the pages with the pictures of the minister and his family have soft and easy praise music.

shadowMark October 14, 2009 at 5:33 pm

[re=435125]PoignancySelz[/re]: how did that work out

Bush served as vice president for eight years, president for four years and then his son became president for eight years so after a brief interlude you’d have to say it worked out pretty damn well for them.

Suds McKenzie October 14, 2009 at 5:37 pm

Please burn some bagpipes (Satan Pipes)!! for Jesus; oh.. and any DVD’s of “Marley and Me” – For Jesus!!

natteringnabomb October 14, 2009 at 5:44 pm

You have to know Grizzard is stickin his peen in places that Jesus would not approve.

Links October 14, 2009 at 5:55 pm

[re=434739]Crank Tango[/re]: Blues and Classical are included in the “ETC.”

Mangodash October 14, 2009 at 5:55 pm

This page is about why we believe that God has preserved His word for the English speaking people through the King James Version 1611. We make NO apology about it either. Were not ashamed of it, that’s why we dedicate a whole section to nothing but the KJV.

Don’t even think about asking us for an apology about this. We are totally NOT sorry. We do NOT apologize. We really meant what we said and we’re not taking it back, so you can just FORGET your apology. So there.

Tundra Grifter October 14, 2009 at 5:57 pm

[re=434745]Lazy Media[/re]: “…the King James version was good enough for Peter and Paul” but not for Mary?

AnSnarkist October 14, 2009 at 6:04 pm

Could God make a book so flame retardant that even he could not burn it?

Accordion-o-rama October 14, 2009 at 6:06 pm

If they’d use a smaller font, there’d be more space to list things they hate.

Mangodash October 14, 2009 at 6:13 pm

[re=435137]shadowMark[/re]: You mean to say that Nazi book burnings in 1938 worked out well for the Bush family ca. 1998?

PoignancySelz October 14, 2009 at 6:18 pm

[re=435137]shadowMark[/re]: Yeah, all the while gay-hazing with their fellow Yale alums at that Redwood retreat camp. I wonder what Liz Cheney reads.
And don’t forget about grandpa USGA Walker Bush and his part in the botched military coup to overthrow FDR.

Servo October 14, 2009 at 6:22 pm

They have to throw Paula Deen on that fire. Jeebus will be pissed if they don’t.

GreatOldOnesParty October 14, 2009 at 6:32 pm

Wow, an instance where “You know who else liked _____?” isn’t a violation of Godwin’s Law.
I got nothing.

Jukesgrrl October 14, 2009 at 6:42 pm

I have a copy of The FBI Story autographed by J. Edgar Hoover. If I throw it on the fire, will the flames turn pink?

DangerousLiberal October 14, 2009 at 6:52 pm

[re=434889]Blue_in_VA[/re]: Ect. My feelings, about this church, exactly. Ect.

DangerousLiberal October 14, 2009 at 6:56 pm

[re=434750]Lazy Media[/re]: Actually, those fall under ect. Etc. is for the other music.

Dean Booth October 14, 2009 at 7:04 pm

Wonkette will burn for its mockery!

http://comicbooth.com/special/wonkette.htm

DangerousLiberal October 14, 2009 at 7:15 pm

[re=434757]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: This is North Carolina, son. It’s gonna be pork bbq. The other white meat. The meat that Jewz and Islamaics eschew, but good Christians eat, word.

Also, http://www.examiner.com/x-19632-Salt-Lake-City-Headlines-Examiner~y2009m10d14-Amazing-Grace-Baptist-Church-in-Canton-NC-will-have-book-burning-on-Halloween

DangerousLiberal October 14, 2009 at 7:19 pm

[re=434791]sagebrush[/re]: Yes, and the google mapz has a lovely picture of the church. Or a strip mall, your choice. An old strip mall. The KJV of a strip mall.

PoignancySelz October 14, 2009 at 7:26 pm

I hope they don’t burn all those Playboy mags they got.
BTW: Playboy is to porn as Count Chocula is to scary

mookworthjwilson October 14, 2009 at 8:34 pm

Are they gonna burn Johnny Tremain, because much like the bible, it’s some fine ass historical fiction…

rocktonsammy October 14, 2009 at 8:34 pm

Rick Warren reverse tithes.

He lives on ten percent of what he makes. Must remove the guilt or something.

” BURN Just one more for jESUS,”

mookworthjwilson October 14, 2009 at 8:36 pm

[re=435151]Links[/re]: What the fuck music is left??? The sound made when they are fucking their kids???

PsycGirl October 14, 2009 at 8:47 pm

You can check some of those pronunciations here http://tinyurl.com/yjnusel and I think we may have identified skoalrebel’s hometown.

lil freeper October 14, 2009 at 9:06 pm

I believe that Wonkette has found their new Webmaster:

http://amazinggracebaptistchurchkjv.com/gpage59.html

ladymacbeth October 14, 2009 at 9:22 pm

[re=434818]V572625694[/re]: there is some scholarly thought (though little evidence) that the elizabethan greats (the playwrights / poets, not the powers that were) had a hand in that bible. it IS beautiful.

if you care about those sorts of bible-y things.

last year we were campaigning for hopey in some scary depressed MI town waiting for our third member of our troupe to stop talking and come back to the car so we could go back to chicago and get drunk. we were in a wingnut church parking lot that had just slammed the door on my BFF (the pastor slammed the door, not the church). and then the 89 year old pastor and his wife came out to change the outdoor lightbulb (two stories up – commercial ladder).

so of course we helped them.

they (really) were confounded. it was actually quite sad.

meh. now i have lost snark.

edgydrifter October 14, 2009 at 9:39 pm

Well, my tentacle-pr0n hentai didn’t make the bad list, so SCORE!

Flanders October 14, 2009 at 9:53 pm

[re=435201]Dean Booth[/re]: Comment of the day!

Mahousu October 14, 2009 at 9:59 pm

[re=434909]steve[/re]: I think it just means they are burning all music in the Western tradition.

Fortunately, this means my collection of J-pop should still be good to go. Perhaps I should offer to play Hinoi Team’s “Night of Fire” for their book burning.

pants of doom October 14, 2009 at 10:10 pm

You have no idea how crushed I am that the SINGLES section is empty.

Gallowglass October 14, 2009 at 10:19 pm

King James is God? They do know he was flaming gay, a pedantic moron, a weepy bitch and a bit of a drooler, right? King James I that is.

sezme October 14, 2009 at 10:39 pm

[re=435153]Mangodash[/re]: Wow, I just noticed that the Amazing Grace Baptist Church managed to fit “KJV” along with the previous four words in their domain name. That must be some kind of miracle right there, I tell you what. They sure do love them some King James Version anyway, that’s all I really know. Well, that and barbecued chicken.

sagebrush October 14, 2009 at 10:45 pm

DoglessLiberal: I worked on a contract for a couple years in North Carolina. I’d never seen so many fat people. When they go to the all-you-can-eat buffet, they really believe it’s all you can eat. Cars would have such welcoming bumper stickers as “We don’t care how you do things where you’re from.” and old, rusted-out pickup trucks would have bumper stickers saying “This vehicle paid for with tobacco money.” They look at you funny when you ask for the non-smoking section in the restaurant, either because you’re not supporting the local industry or because they know the haze of smoke throughout the restaurant means it doesn’t matter where you sit. On a drive through the country, you’d see as many little country churches as adult entertainment establishments, the modern continuation of the culture war between the Bible-thumpers and the pirates who settled the state. So a good, old-fashioned book burning doesn’t surprise me at all.

Zack Morris October 14, 2009 at 10:52 pm

The only books left are the Bible and Chicken Soup for that Girl Who sits in the Back of Class, Wears a Skirt that goes below her Ankles, Doesn’t make eye contact with boys, and Overuses the word Heathen.

chascates October 14, 2009 at 10:56 pm

Fascinating facts about lovely Canton, N.C. via Wikipedia:

The racial makeup of the town was 96.13% White, 1.59% African American, 0.57% Native American, 0.10% Asian, 0.94% from other races, and 0.67% from two or more races. Hispanic or Latino of any race were 2.41% of the population.
The median income for a household in the town was $28,775, and the median income for a family was $38,191. Males had a median income of $28,792 versus $22,143 for females. The per capita income for the town was $17,995. About 9.5% of families and 13.3% of the population were below the poverty line, including 24.6% of those under age 18 and 5.9% of those age 65 or over.
The median age was 43 years. For every 100 females there were 85.9 males. For every 100 females age 18 and over, there were 81.7 males.

CthuNHu October 14, 2009 at 11:00 pm

[re=434787]Flanders[/re]: Marv Albert!

MzNicky October 14, 2009 at 11:08 pm

[re=434745]Lazy Media[/re]: East Tennessee town, pop. 500? Lemme guess: Church Hill? Surgoinsville? Greeneville? Ooltewah? Strawberry Plains?

I’ve lived in these here parts all my life, and I have to say, I’ve never seen a book burnin’ that included various versions of the Bible. This is hard-core cuckoo — snake-handlin’ poison-swillin’ nutzo. On the bright side, I doubt they vote. That would be of the Devil.

idiot son of an asshole October 14, 2009 at 11:31 pm

Holy fucking criminy, what did Mother Teresa do that offended these people so?

MzNicky October 14, 2009 at 11:45 pm

Also besides: Sides? You people never heard of cole slaw, tater salad, baked beans and fries? Good lord, what do YOU eat with your plate of greasy roasted fatty pig butt meat?

Alpha O. Mega October 14, 2009 at 11:46 pm

[re=435154]Tundra Grifter[/re]: That’s why she’s dead.

GreatOldOnesParty October 15, 2009 at 12:32 am

[re=435369]MzNicky[/re]: So they’re going to be burning Bibles on Halloween?
Where do I sign up?

Darkness October 15, 2009 at 12:42 am

Did they post an address where we can send them things to burn? I got some craptastic Dan Brown tome someone gave me, I’m sure they’d love to throw it on the pile. And it will make me happy to imagine they did.

villageatrois October 15, 2009 at 2:41 am

[re=434751]knoxtheharpy[/re]: “Is that like a death panel for grandma’s music?” Yup, yah gotta burn everything except Allman Brothers. Since Warren Haynes played with them in Saint Dwayne’s place, you can’t burn Government Mule. Jesus burned out their (Allan) Woody, so now they’re clean.

Lionel Hutz Esq. October 15, 2009 at 4:54 am

This is what happens when Beavis and Butthead get a church.

widget09 October 15, 2009 at 8:09 am

Will the books be burned beneath a 25′ tall cross, like killing 2 birds with one stone?

mumblyjoe October 15, 2009 at 8:55 am

I think the real story is that Jim just said that Wonkette endorses the burning of the writings of Mother Teresa and the Pope. It’s a shocking admission of the anti-papist sentiments that hithertofore we all only suspected.

Darkness October 15, 2009 at 11:48 am

[re=434888]andmeilikethesauce[/re]: But they prayed, really, really, really, exceptionally hard while writing the King James Version, and the spirit directed their sleep deprived little hands to write the TRUE WORD, which is, of course, in GOD’S TRUE Language: English. This was in between bouts of buttsex debauchery with the King, of course. No one is perfect.

IamB October 15, 2009 at 12:26 pm

My pastor says that all of you fucking foul-mouthed bastards are going straignt to fucking hell for your foolery.

el_chupacabra October 15, 2009 at 5:01 pm

[re=435839]IamB[/re]: not for our fuckery?

Maldoror October 15, 2009 at 6:47 pm

Well at least my noise, avant garde, and drone collection will be safe. And I can keep my Satanic Bible.

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