hooray!

Church With Very Discriminating Palate Will Burn Everything

We do not know too much about Jesus literature. What kind of monstrously fucked-up prude porn is in the King James Bible that grants it — and it alone, out of EVERY ITEM EVER MADE — a stay from this North Carolina church’s Hell-o-ween holocaust? Maybe it’s the action scenes.

Also, and don’t even attempt to answer this: How does a human being become this insane? Imagine how hard you would have to work, mentally, for your whole life, training yourself to be as insane as fucking possible about everything, every object you see, every interaction you have, to the point where you would plan or attend this church’s Halloween book burning non-ironically, agreeing with each aspect of this itinerary on earnest grounds, actually believing that this event would result in some sort of pure, positive good, and then telling people in public, on the publicly available Internet, about this event. Try to imagine for yourself a hypothetical psychological path that would lead you to this sort of existence. “Clinical psychosis” won’t even get you halfway.

These people vote in elections that affect everyone.

(And obviously we support the burning of all of these terrible televangelist books — but not because they aren’t religious *enough*)

Related video

[Amazing Grace Baptist Church via Raw Story]

Related

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

247 comments

  1. AggieDemocrat

    Wouldn’t it be easier just to put the six books and CDs they approve of in a fireproof safe and then napalm the entire planet?

  2. memzilla

    Why would so many things be burnt at one time?

    Two words, Jim: Insurance Fraud.

    Another act by Our Son.

  3. One Yield Regular

    Curiously, though, they seem to be keeping their copies of Christopher Hitchens’ book.

  4. Texan Bulldoggette

    I was raised in rural OK & some roadside tent evangelist/snake handler/tongue talker once came to visit our Southern Baptist church. He had all the yokels burn their music cassettes (yes, I’m old). I didn’t burn mine but just buried them in the back of my closet. Who was crying Monday morning & who was listening to music on her bright blue Sony AM/FM cassette walkman?

    But, yeah, go ahead & burn country music.

  5. Lazy Media

    Good ol’ Appalachia. Average congregation size is about 15 people, and they reckon that if the King James version was good enough for Peter and Paul, it’s good enough for them. One of the seven Protestant churches in the East Tennessee town where I grew up (population: 500) had one of those movable letter signs. One particularly memorable message: The Living Bible Can Send You To A Living Hell.

  6. Mustang

    Could Wonkette get a street address? I’d like to be there to toss in Twilight, Crank, and anything by Nora Roberts

  7. Colander

    [re=434739]Crank Tango[/re]: I think indie rock got a pass too. Jesus reads Pitchfork, ironically enough.

  8. Lazy Media

    [re=434739]Crank Tango[/re]: Those fall under etc. Satan’s music is everything except what’s in the Southern Babdist hymnal.

  9. Gopherit

    [re=434745]Lazy Media[/re]: Right. And like any of them own any books other than the King James……or like they’d know where to buy one.

  10. Downtheroadapiece

    I was greatly disappointed by the ‘Perversions’ page on their site. Not at all what I had hoped for.

  11. queeraselvis v 2.0

    Oh hey, they’ll also be serving up bar-b-que at this little soiree. Dare I hope that they’ll be stoking the pit with some of these tomes? Nothing like a little eau de charred Purpose-Driven Life to perfectly complement dem thar burgers, steaks, and chickenz.

  12. JMP

    Well, of course they want to ban all the other Bibles; have you read them? Perverted as hell; with tons of incest and rape; not to mention a bunch of mindless sociopaths committing genocide, torture, slavery and other atrocities simply because their leaders think a voice in their heads told them to. Abominable. Of course, the King James version has that too.

  13. Gob

    Finally someone’s gotten serious about burning soft and easy. I will send them my girlfriend’s ipod.

  14. PlanetWingnuta

    morans…the apostles never used a computer or email…so how come they aint burning a computer! morans morans nothing but morans.

  15. queeraselvis v 2.0

    Oh hey, but they’ll also be serving up bar-b-que at this little soiree. Dare I hope that they’ll stoke the pit with some of these tomes? Nothing like a little aroma of charred Purpose-Driven Life to perfectly complement the burgers, steaks, and chickens.

  16. JMP

    [re=434739]Crank Tango[/re]: Heavy Metal fans should be incensed that they’re lumping all those wimpy genres with the real Satan’s music.

  17. steve

    A) Huzzah for burning Dobson’s books and
    B) I think that bands like Lamb of God, Iron Maiden, etc. would be really into this sort of event. “Burn! Our! Records! DOOM! FIRE! DEATH! Guitar Soloooo!” etc.

  18. iwillsavethispatient

    They apparently have not yet heard of “The God Delusion” by Richard Dawkins. Or they burnt them all last year.

    Are they buying these books especially, to line the coffers of these great Satanists? I believe the phrase is “Capitalism Fail!”

    I also love how they specify the King James bible as God’s word. I’m sure King Jimmy had no ulterior motives when he commissioned a new bible.

  19. One Yield Regular

    Oh great good god. Thank you SOOOOOO much, Jim, for the link to that church’s web site. The rest of my day is RUINED.

    Under “Hollywood=Follywood,” for example, concerning the Satanic Britney Spears:

    “Plain and simple. Briney is a fornicator that is headed to hell based on her fruit, lifestyle.”

  20. disgustedcitizen

    These backward hicks just can get it through their thick skulls that book burning is considered a bad, and well, backward, thing.

  21. SayItWithWookies

    [re=434745]Lazy Media[/re]: Good guess — his congregation numbers 14.
    And I must admit they’ve done an end run on one of my fantasies, which was to attend a church-sponsored book burning and sneak a Bible in there. And my only version of the KJV is my Cowboy Illustrated Bible, which I don’t want to burn. It’s just the regular KJV but with a section at the beginning with cowboy photos (steer roping, bronc busting, etc.) and some selected verses that sort of apply.

  22. Wugou

    @ Colander: Wouldn’t they also have to burn the web page and any fliers they use to advertise this dandy little event? You know, to ensure the great pyre thoroughly cleanses that which taints the good people of the earth and makes baby Jesus cry AKA Satan’s tainty taint?

    To burn the web page I would use the tags & or just whatever random tags I could find lying around gop.com.

  23. petehammer

    Wait, what? Are they left or right? The King James Bible is the one that says “thou shalt not kill” (not the right-wing perverted version – thou shalt not murder… which lets soldiers, etc, off the hook and is in certain versions of the bible). KJ is the most poetic of the bibles listed.

    Plus, all their books are religious books, from either conservative christian to more middle-of-the-road christian.

    I don’t get it. Are they more right-wing than these people or more left-wing? The book-burning says right-wing but the books themselves say left-wing… so confusing!

  24. SmutBoffin

    [re=434766]AbstinenceOnly Ed[/re]: The choice of color/typeface is an attempt by this terrifying church to burn thought itself.

  25. Flanders

    Oh jeebus thank you for this website! I’m torn between “perversions”, “sports news” and “jokes” at the moment…..

  26. ChernobylSoup v2

    The church’s youth group is going to be awfully surprised when they learn that the burning of music doesn’t mean they’re getting free copies of Green Day from the minister’s laptop.

  27. sagebrush

    Clicking on the link and going to “Contact Us” yields the address:

    Amazing Grace Baptist Church
    6841 Cruso Road
    Canton , N.C. 28716
    Phone: 828-648-0213

    They also have a link for “Driving Directions”.

  28. shortsshortsshorts

    BURN THE WHOLE FUCKING THING DOWN. BURN. IT DOWN.

    BURN! FIRE!!111! HELLFIRE !!1 DAMNATION! 1! DESTRUCTION!!!11 BURN THEM. BURN BURN LIKE MAD!11 BURN THAT WHICH YOU HAVE ALREADY BURNED!!1! HAPPY HALLOWEEEEEEN!11

  29. Terry

    Wow, I’m used to churches like this only going after Catholics, Jews, and athesists. Throwing Lahaye, Roberts, Dobson, etc in with us sort of ruins the neighborhood. I demand a two tiered burning event! Classic foes and Modern foes!

  30. Servo

    [re=434753]magic titty[/re]:
    I don’t see them specifically listed, but I’m certain those Barbara Mandrell mixtapes are implied.

  31. Doglessliberal

    [re=434733]Kinkster[/re]: I think they are afraid to even touch it. They think the Muslin cooties will get all over them and they will turn into Obamatards.

  32. queeraselvis v 2.0

    [re=434784]petehammer[/re]: Up has always been down, black has always been white, EastAsia has always been at war with Oceania.

  33. problemwithcaring

    I’m torn here, because this type of open air burn is bad for air quality. Too bad the King James versions didn’t promote the recycling of the curious arts of the Great Whore Catholic Church.

  34. Cape Clod

    [re=434750]Lazy Media[/re]: I am suprised the didn’t list disco prominantly. Can’t see that being too popular down in Deliverence country.

  35. Aflac Shrugged

    The website helpfully let me know that only the KJV counts as the only literal and inspired Word of God – which must mean that the two previous English editions and the Greek or Latin texts used as KJV’s source material are perversions. Of something created after them.

    How I’d love to watch members of this church work a Sudoku.

  36. mayor

    The only form of music left will be ska and nu-metal. In that world I think the living will envy the dead.

  37. shadowMark

    For reasons I don’t want to go into I own a DVD of Michael Bay’s “Transformers.” Maybe for Halloween I’ll burn that just incorporate some religion into my fall celebrations.

  38. V572625694

    Lit scholars (like you, Jim!) know that the KJV is better written than all subsequent versions. King James commissioned a death panel of scholars to put together an official English version, and the result is often cited as the only exception to the rules that committees can’t do anything right.

    Look up the 23rd Psalm in KJV and RSV, or worse yet, one of those non-conservative bibles that that uses gender-neutral language.

    Not a believer myself, of course, just another dummy who wasted his college years reading Keats, Donne, Blake, etc.

  39. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    Satan is way to cool to be listening to modern Country, “soft and easy,” or Contemporary Christian. I am pretty sure he has some killer DJs, though.

    Interestingly enough, the King James, while beautiful poetry, is a pretty sloppy translation. I guess expecting every one to learn Greek was out, so they went with the one written in English like God, Abraham, Moses and Jesus actually spoke, with all the “thee”s, “Thou”s and “Ye”s.

    I am a little bit scared that I do agree with their book selections, although how the hell did Dawkins and Hitchens survive? Wait, guess I answered my own question.

  40. Seanyboy

    [re=434754]Downtheroadapiece[/re]: Yeah I don’t get it. Dickens and Shakespeare are okay? I’m beginning these people don’t have any particular religious motives, they’re just English language purists. I mean “They were, of course, speaking of The Authorized Version, the one that came into being when the England of King James was scoured for translators & scholars. It was a time when the English language had reached it’s peak of richness & beauty.”

  41. RoscoePColtraine

    A good, ol’ fashioned book burning just doesn’t have the same wallop in the intertoob age.

  42. SayItWithWookies

    [re=434799]AggieDemocrat[/re]: I’ll have you know all the cowboys — all the hot, brawny, dusty, sweaty cowboys — in my Cowboy Illustrated Bible are fully clothed.

  43. Sara in the West

    Under “mixed nuts” on the website is pictures of the good reverend’s family & they are very cruel to poor Hannah who apparently is having trouble getting a husband…

  44. Doglessliberal

    [re=434821]Seanyboy[/re]: You are assuming they have HEARD of those authors. If you cannot find it in the window of the local Barnes & Noble, I think it is beyond their ken.

  45. qwerty42

    Well, all is not lost:
    “We will be serving Bar-b-Que Chicken, fried chicken, and all the sides.”
    Church groups like this probably have great fried chicken. Probably corn muffins too. So there’s that.
    OTOH, they sound as though they are chock full o’nuts.
    And why wasn’t the Catholic bible mentioned (Douay-Rheims)? Are these some kind of covert papists? Popery rears its head!!

  46. Cape Clod

    [re=434796]freakishlystrong[/re]: “Holy shit!”
    I’m sure they have an opinion about that too.

  47. Gorillionaire

    Canton, NC is not even close to being the most backwoods part of the mountain region. The fact that a newspaper reporter lived to bring us this story is all the proof you need.
    I grew up not too far from there, and my grandparents “Holiness” church featured floor rolling fits, speaking in tongues and other such crazy shit at least twice a week. Every sermon seemed to be about the coming apocalypse. Every minister looked like a 1970′s used car salesman, and probably was. My grandparents eventually quit going to the church because they felt it had gotten too “modern”.

  48. c-freak

    finally a cage match i can get behind : Pastor Grizzard’s gals VS the Spanish Witches. my $ is on the Spanish Witches.

  49. charlesdegoal

    Funniest site ever. Great music. Great sermons: “It is obvious in this picture that John Bunyan has long hair. Some of you may think that I wouldn’t dare say anything against a man who wrote Pilgrim’s Progress. I dare say the Holy Scriptures of God are more important, and John Bunyan was in sin having long hair. I don’t care who it is, the Bible is our final authority in all matters.”
    The Bible (King James) says to cut your hair, so do it! I don’t care if your name is Jesus, just do it!

  50. Sharkey

    [re=434755]Colander[/re]: “Will they be burning Kindles, as a sight gag?”

    Yes, as well as a computer displaying Amazon on its screen. Which will, of course, destroy the whole Amazon website.

  51. SnarkNotFark

    OK, I can see burning most of the others as Jebus-hatin’ heretics, but when you find John McArthur to be too liberal, now thats saying something.

  52. mephistopheles jefferson

    I like that after their exhaustive lists, they still felt the need to write “etc.” – or “ect.”, as in one instance, which I take to mean they’ll be burning reference books on Latin abbreviations.

  53. shadowMark

    [re=434825]Extemporanus[/re]: If Jesus was Kurt Cobain then Mary Magdalene was Courtney Love. That church is going to burn you for initiating this line of thought.

  54. Holy Cow!!

    Well, I was just going to go out and get drunk or pick up someone for anonymous sex.

    But now, I’m so going to the book burning!


  55. Post author
    Jim Newell

    [re=434772]Spiderfrommars[/re]: Typing is my vacation, friend! Type type type type! Must type…

  56. magic titty

    [re=434808]Manos: Hands of Fate[/re]: I was about to mention that. Ahhh, crazy Christians. Love.Them.

  57. EdFlinstone

    That site is unfuckingbelievable. Suprisingly they do have a school with a 2009 graduation class of one student.

  58. mardam422

    [re=434795]el_chupacabra[/re]: I clicked on the linky and ended up with Michael Steele dancing on GOP.com.

    WTF?

  59. dekko

    The site is an amazing pastiche of crazy, though a bit of a disappointment in the condemning of film department. They blast off a lot of steam in their “Hollywood = Follywood” area, but the sole points of focus are a tirade against “Sex in the City”[sic] and a sole, lonely photo from some movie called “Billy.”

  60. shadowMark

    [re=434858]Jim Newell[/re]: Is this thread about “fire” just modern viral advertising for Katherine Neville’s “The Fire?”

    With an alchemical skill, Neville blends a modern romance, historical fiction, and a medieval mystery…and comes up with gold

  61. sezme

    Burn all the books you want. Just don’t burn the chicken.

    Also, here’s a nice quote from the church’s website:

    Warning!!

    It is true that these Gullion Book Stores only sale KJV only Bibles, but in there stores they sale all kinds of heretics, mostly with no warning. It is true that they do sale a lot of good books both new and used that you will not find in Lifeway, and other so-called Christian Book Stores.

  62. SenatePage

    I present to you the poem written by the pastor about his father. Grizzard WUZ ROBBED of the Nobel Prize for Literature. This brilliant piece of verse evokes the great bards of yore:
    MY HERO!
    There was a Preacher’s Son,
    who loved his daddy a ton.
    He thought the world of him,
    because he was his best Friend.
    Close by his side he would stand,
    cause everything he did was so grand.
    Superman, Batman, and Robin were zero’s,
    when compared to his daddy his hero.
    Greater than any policeman or fireman to me,
    for he led me to Jesus you see.

    by Marc Grizzard

  63. RoscoePColtraine

    [re=434865]assistant/atlas[/re]: If they ain’t serving locusts and honey at their covered dish suppers, they’re going to BURN IN HELL.

  64. queeraselvis v 2.0

    [re=434864]Doglessliberal[/re]: And yeasty rolls that they got by the case at the Canton Wal-Mart. NEVAR FORGIT!

  65. Min

    [re=434803]Extemporanus[/re]: So, if you pressed angelnutz and chocolate bars between graham crackers, would that make s’gommorahs?

  66. kolya

    What I always love about these special kind of Baptists is their total ignorance of the fact that King James for whom their favorite translation of the Bible was commissioned and named was a notorious (Gasp) homosexual. Seriously, look it up.

  67. facehead

    Out of respect for humanity I will quietly believe this is a joke (as I sit back and listen to my satanic “soft and easy” music while reciting the demonic texts of Billy Graham).

  68. andmeilikethesauce

    Thoughts on the books they’re burning:

    “Westcott and Hort” is an edition of the Greek New Testament, which made conspicuous use of the two earliest manuscripts of the New Testament, Codex Sinaiticus and Codex Vaticanus A. The KJB used Erasmus’ Greek text, which he lazily based on the half-dozen 15c manuscripts available to him.

    “Bruce Metzger” wrote “The Text of the New Testament” which points this out (among other things).

    Why do these guys hate the more authoritative texts of the NT? Honestly, I don’t know. There’s nothing distinctly librul about them. Those guys are just crazy.

  69. shadowMark

    [re=434875]SenatePage[/re]: I don’t think that was the guy Dusty Springfield sang about:

    Being good isn’t always easy
    No matter how hard I try
    When he started sweet-talkin to me
    He’d come and tell me everything is all right
    He’d kiss and tell me everything is all right
    Can I get away again tonight?

    The only one who could ever reach me
    Was the son of a preacher man
    The only boy who could ever teach me
    Was the son of a preacher man
    Yes he was, he was
    Lord knows he was

  70. Extemporanus

    [re=434856]shadowMark[/re]: Then who is God?

    I’m thinking Phil Spector, or maybe Lou Pearlman since he’s Jewish.

  71. Doglessliberal

    [re=434880]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: and gallons of sweet tea. What do you think the average BMI is for this crowd? I mean, one assumes everyone is overweight, so we are just talking gradations of monstrously obese.

  72. AggieDemocrat

    That site hurts my eyes. And why do they have six dozen different preachers? (Cf. the endless roll-call of “Sermon by…” links on the left nav.)

  73. Prommie

    [re=434784]petehammer[/re]: These people start with the presumption that all literature, music, and media is evil, except bibles, religious books, religious music, and now, this burning is to cleanse them even further, and tell them which are the right and wrong bibles, religious books, and hymns.

  74. Reefpilot

    North Carolina, how I fucking hate thee. I wish General Sherman had spent more time down here during his parlay through these godless evil lands… a lot more time.

    Last month some organized group of baptist crazies had apparently gotten permission from Wal Mart to harass patrons with Chic tracts, as well as deface private property by jamming their illiterate hate pamphlets written by a shitty cartoonist under windshield wipers.

    My wife complained to the manager. Jack shit happened. Hell, I bet 9/10s of the managerial team were fully onboard.

    Though next time some old or baptist psycho hands you one of those green little new tesaments, accept it. It makes for great target practice with the trusty plinker gun. :0

  75. RoscoePColtraine

    They’ve conspicuously left Broadway off their list of perversions. Mel Brooks’ The Producers is sure to cause angst. Keep it Gay, keep it gay, keep it gay!

  76. problemwithcaring

    [re=434787]Flanders[/re]: I know. One of the horrible “jokes” (their quotes, not mine) comes from a 1993 Readers Digest. What’s taking ‘em so long to burn *that* shit?

  77. finette

    I tried to fill out their survey inappropriately (that is, truthfully), but I think the form’s not set up right. :(

  78. Doglessliberal

    [re=434897]Prommie[/re]: so, they are the Taliban. At their next picnic: stoning adultresses to death!

  79. steve

    Why is “country” separate from “western” – does it change once it crosses the Mississippi and if they burn “soft and easy” what will be played in dentists’ offices and elevators?

  80. el_chupacabra

    BURN!

    http://amazinggracebaptistchurchkjv.com/subpage410.html

    Democrats

    A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on US 95 south, just outside of Washington.
    Nothing is moving north or south.

    Suddenly a man knocks on his window.

    The driver rolls down his window and asks, “What happened?” “What’s the hold up?”

    “Terrorists have kidnapped Ted Kennedy, Jesse Jackson, Obama, and Al Sharpton.

    They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. ”

    “We are going from car to car, taking up a collection.”

    The driver asks, “on average how much is everyone giving?”

    waiting….

    wondering….

    waiting….

    wondering…..

    “About a gallon”

  81. Egregious

    Ah the poetry of the King James bible…

    “And the Lord descendeth on a flaming pie and spaketh thus to fattened masses, “Lo, be not afraid. Your dwindling number shall be embiggoned with an army of Skoal Rebels and they shall smite the first borne of those who dare not draggeth their knuckles when they walketh upon the earth or close their mouths when they draweth breath.” – Efezuns: 3.7

  82. Downtheroadapiece

    [re=434810]Aflac Shrugged[/re]: It would have to be done with colored marbles or disciples because instead of digits as I’m pretty sure this ain’t a book learnin’ crowd. All them numbers and such would be too intellectual.

  83. Gopherit

    [re=434910]el_chupacabra[/re]: and they’ll know we are christians by our love, by our love, and they will know we are christians by our love.

    fuckers.

  84. Saragon

    Okay, according to the Wonkettelettes above me, these lazy pyromaniacs are letting classical, blues, indie rock, polka, drum’n’bass, ska, and nu metal slide. These guys really need to get on this thing – I mean, this is just amateurish.

    Although Jesus appears to be totally down with techno. And world music. Which is making me think that this a lefty purge.

  85. Redhead

    Scroll to the bottom of their “what we believe” page (http://amazinggracebaptistchurchkjv.com/about.html) and look at the picture of the guy that they think is so great. “Dr. Jack Hyles along with many other great men of God have taught us to stay with God, to keep by the stuff, to stick with the King James Bible, not to remove the ancient landmarks, to keep pressing on, to get the job done, and that’s what were going to do.”

    That picture of this Dr. Hyles (and the sections called “Spurgeon’s wisdom” and “Mixed Nuts” and “Perversions” and “Got Issues?” and “Hollywood = Follywood” and “Devil Vision” and “‘The Great Whore’” and “‘Read the Instructions’”) goes a long way towards explaining why they may be so crazy. Hint: it has to do with a whole bunch of inbreeding amongst NC mountain hillbillies.

  86. hobospacejunkie

    Just so long as they keep a version of the bible that talks about horse dicks & horse cum, or is it donkey dicks & donkey cum, whatever, fine by me, just keep the equine weener & equine emission version.

  87. El Pinche

    They can Jon McNaughton’s work in there too as tinder. It’s oil-based which burns like a KKK cross dowsed in moonshine.

  88. Jim89048

    As long as they don’t go burinin’ those sweet, sweet SkoalRebel guitar solos, we’ll be just fine…

  89. Extemporanus

    [re=434953]Marlowe[/re]: Yeah there are.

    Dreams from My Father and <The Audacity of Hope are both on the list.

  90. kentuckienne2

    Ha, there was a church in my hometown that had regular burnings. They tended towards Harry Potter books, though, as in their worldview it is entirely possible to levitate a feather with a stick, provided you’re heathen enough.

  91. Come here a minute

    Thanks to Sarah Vowell I know that the King James Version goes kind of soft on monarchs. (I suppose I really didn’t need to read The Wordy Shipmates to guess that one.)

    I wonder who is their choice of monarch.

    Their color palette is not very discriminating.

  92. Doglessliberal

    [re=434970]Extemporanus[/re]: OK, so they object to non-fiction, too? An autobiography is not OK?

  93. nerd1951

    I’m giving up all of my phsyc meds. I’ve decided that I don’t really need them after all. I really couldn’t get this crazy if I tried.

    BTW: Where is Darwin on this list? I’m sure he would feel slighted.

  94. smitallica

    You can have my contempory Christian music when you pry it from my cold, dead, stigmata’d hands.

  95. Extemporanus

    [re=434881]Min[/re]: Only if you use billy graham crackers.

    [re=434997]Doglessliberal[/re]: The burning of William Ayers two novels chronicling the fictional exploits of “Barack Hussein Obama” is clearly justified—it’s the only thing that might dissuade him from writing a third. We sure as hell don’t want another “Harry Potter” situation on our hands, now do we?

  96. Seanyboy

    [re=434830]Doglessliberal[/re]: I mean they specifically mention Dickens and Shakespeare in that “perversions” section.

  97. AtlasHugged

    Directly from the website, apparently they like to burn Dems too!

    http://amazinggracebaptistchurchkjv.com/subpage410.html

    Democrats

    A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on US 95 south, just outside of Washington.
    Nothing is moving north or south.

    Suddenly a man knocks on his window.

    The driver rolls down his window and asks, “What happened?” “What’s the hold up?”

    “Terrorists have kidnapped Ted Kennedy, Jesse Jackson, Obama, and Al Sharpton.

    They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. ”

    “We are going from car to car, taking up a collection.”

    The driver asks, “on average how much is everyone giving?”

    waiting….

    wondering….

    waiting….

    wondering…..

    “About a gallon”

  98. imissopus

    Perhaps the fumes from all those burning records and CDs will help usher these folks off to heaven. Or at least to the hospital, which can turn away any without insurance.

  99. WadISay

    Frankly, I never understood how a loving, caring God could have given us “contemporary Christian.”

  100. iolanthe

    Cool! They’re not burning any electronic music! Jesus must be OK with my collection of Crystal Method CDs.

  101. Crankenstank

    As one who’s actually read the thing in English and koine Greek, I say to thee: better ye brush yeselves up on ye olde aramaic, because King James’ minions didst edit quite a bit.

    By the way, how do you burn an MP3 or a Kindle version, anyway? My memory from back in the early 21st century is that burning such things actually creates more copies of them.

  102. Redhead

    PS – the comments on this site (http://www.kwtx.com/home/headlines/64164232.html?storySection=comments) are hilarious.

    ” Posted by: Antonio Location: New York on Oct 14, 2009 at 02:49 PM

    U see,although Rick Warren, Tim Lahey, Joyce Meyers, Joel Olsteen and others are indeed poor misguided Christians, this kind of behaviour towards them is not warranted. This Church is even more misguided by makind Christians look bad which is what the “Enemy” wants. Pray for them. PS: Billy Graham did sell out to the vatican and said Jesus is not needed and EVERYONE is saved. “

  103. Capricatony

    This Satan kid seems to have his shit together. What’s the deal, God? You created Satan for Christ’s sake yet You can’t even corner the market on Bibles and country music?

  104. inner_bomber

    Obviously a bunch of reformist heretics. EVERYBODY KNOWS the original word of god was the Vulgate, in Latin (god’s favorite tongue — besides Jenny McCarthy’s), by my namesake St. Jerome, patron saint of librarians, Jewish comedians and one-hit neurotic writers whose book ends up being read by everyone in our gulag skoolz.

  105. S.Luggo

    Why isn’t Jimmy Buffett or Carla Bruni on the damn list? The Church of the Holy Bonfire is so selective.

  106. JSDC007

    But would BBQ chicken taste any good if it were cooked over the flames of burning Miley Cyrus CDs?

  107. inner_bomber

    oops. I missed something. Are they going to burn those Chick Publications gospel tracts? If so, we need to call the Blue Helmets and charge somebody with a crime against humanity

  108. AggieDemocrat

    [re=435058]One Yield Regular[/re]: Either that, or someone has a specific beef with Rembert Weakland. (BTW, The Most Rev. Gene Robinson is probably feeling a bit left out…)

  109. Catholics4Condoms

    This is great. The first admendment allows for freedom of religion. freedom of religion is a good thing. It means that all Americans are compelled to join and tithe at the American Christian Church. We can be Jew, Buddhists, Wiccans or Atheists. But all good things have a down side. Just as drinking is fun but not the hangover, this is like a first amendment hangover.

    That church only has 14 members. 14 conservative baptists in the Smokeys will not own that many books. They probably had to raise money to buy them. That is more money for the writers and musicians.

    THe line in the article that I liked the most is from the Pastor: “The only interpretation of the Bible that I allow is my interpretation” Conservatards love authoritairianism.

  110. S.Luggo

    The list of heretics includes Robert Schuller. Even a broken watch is right twice a day.

    It also includes:
    Karl Lachmann (1793-1851)
    “Had long hair.”

  111. PsycGirl

    [re=435034]imissopus[/re]: I went to school with a woman from Canton. According to her, the whole town is perfumed with that paper manufacturer smell. It’s serious sulfur. So I don’t think the book fumes will even be noticeable.
    According to my friend, when an “outsider” complained about the smell, a Cantonite would reply “Smells like money to me”.

  112. PoignancySelz

    It’s not even really a book burning…..

    Historical note:
    The only actual picture of a book burning or significant book burning I know of was in Deutschland circa 1938…
    And how did that work out

  113. Flanders

    [re=435032]timmy_the_tooth[/re]: I call bullshit. Isn’t he supposed to be happily cavorting the sweet fields of heaven with jeebus now??? If the death of their son causes them sadness, then they are just hypocrites. Well, put in that context, maybe you’re on to something there after all.

  114. CaiteeCruelle

    [re=434874]sezme[/re]: Wow. Y’know, I bet they really do pronounce “sell” as “sale”, so it’s truly misspelling rather than a grammatical error.

    I’d talk about the actual meaning of the post, but I don’t want to wind up crouched in the corner of my cube, shivering.

  115. zaccapeters

    I’m too lazy to check the official tabulations so I’ll settle for conjecture. Do these ignorami vote or have they opted out entirely? When I feel sympathy for them I get an eerily real vision of the Tundra Twattard being sworn in as preznit on AF1. I will think of something else if they have sworn off voting.

  116. WadISay

    I love it; the pages with the pictures of the minister and his family have soft and easy praise music.

  117. shadowMark

    [re=435125]PoignancySelz[/re]: how did that work out

    Bush served as vice president for eight years, president for four years and then his son became president for eight years so after a brief interlude you’d have to say it worked out pretty damn well for them.

  118. Suds McKenzie

    Please burn some bagpipes (Satan Pipes)!! for Jesus; oh.. and any DVD’s of “Marley and Me” – For Jesus!!

  119. Mangodash

    This page is about why we believe that God has preserved His word for the English speaking people through the King James Version 1611. We make NO apology about it either. Were not ashamed of it, that’s why we dedicate a whole section to nothing but the KJV.

    Don’t even think about asking us for an apology about this. We are totally NOT sorry. We do NOT apologize. We really meant what we said and we’re not taking it back, so you can just FORGET your apology. So there.

  120. Tundra Grifter

    [re=434745]Lazy Media[/re]: “…the King James version was good enough for Peter and Paul” but not for Mary?

  121. Mangodash

    [re=435137]shadowMark[/re]: You mean to say that Nazi book burnings in 1938 worked out well for the Bush family ca. 1998?

  122. PoignancySelz

    [re=435137]shadowMark[/re]: Yeah, all the while gay-hazing with their fellow Yale alums at that Redwood retreat camp. I wonder what Liz Cheney reads.
    And don’t forget about grandpa USGA Walker Bush and his part in the botched military coup to overthrow FDR.

  123. GreatOldOnesParty

    Wow, an instance where “You know who else liked _____?” isn’t a violation of Godwin’s Law.
    I got nothing.

  124. Jukesgrrl

    I have a copy of The FBI Story autographed by J. Edgar Hoover. If I throw it on the fire, will the flames turn pink?

  125. DangerousLiberal

    [re=434791]sagebrush[/re]: Yes, and the google mapz has a lovely picture of the church. Or a strip mall, your choice. An old strip mall. The KJV of a strip mall.

  126. PoignancySelz

    I hope they don’t burn all those Playboy mags they got.
    BTW: Playboy is to porn as Count Chocula is to scary

  127. mookworthjwilson

    Are they gonna burn Johnny Tremain, because much like the bible, it’s some fine ass historical fiction…

  128. rocktonsammy

    Rick Warren reverse tithes.

    He lives on ten percent of what he makes. Must remove the guilt or something.

    ” BURN Just one more for jESUS,”

  129. mookworthjwilson

    [re=435151]Links[/re]: What the fuck music is left??? The sound made when they are fucking their kids???

  130. ladymacbeth

    [re=434818]V572625694[/re]: there is some scholarly thought (though little evidence) that the elizabethan greats (the playwrights / poets, not the powers that were) had a hand in that bible. it IS beautiful.

    if you care about those sorts of bible-y things.

    last year we were campaigning for hopey in some scary depressed MI town waiting for our third member of our troupe to stop talking and come back to the car so we could go back to chicago and get drunk. we were in a wingnut church parking lot that had just slammed the door on my BFF (the pastor slammed the door, not the church). and then the 89 year old pastor and his wife came out to change the outdoor lightbulb (two stories up – commercial ladder).

    so of course we helped them.

    they (really) were confounded. it was actually quite sad.

    meh. now i have lost snark.

  131. Mahousu

    [re=434909]steve[/re]: I think it just means they are burning all music in the Western tradition.

    Fortunately, this means my collection of J-pop should still be good to go. Perhaps I should offer to play Hinoi Team’s “Night of Fire” for their book burning.

  132. Gallowglass

    King James is God? They do know he was flaming gay, a pedantic moron, a weepy bitch and a bit of a drooler, right? King James I that is.

  133. sezme

    [re=435153]Mangodash[/re]: Wow, I just noticed that the Amazing Grace Baptist Church managed to fit “KJV” along with the previous four words in their domain name. That must be some kind of miracle right there, I tell you what. They sure do love them some King James Version anyway, that’s all I really know. Well, that and barbecued chicken.

  134. sagebrush

    DoglessLiberal: I worked on a contract for a couple years in North Carolina. I’d never seen so many fat people. When they go to the all-you-can-eat buffet, they really believe it’s all you can eat. Cars would have such welcoming bumper stickers as “We don’t care how you do things where you’re from.” and old, rusted-out pickup trucks would have bumper stickers saying “This vehicle paid for with tobacco money.” They look at you funny when you ask for the non-smoking section in the restaurant, either because you’re not supporting the local industry or because they know the haze of smoke throughout the restaurant means it doesn’t matter where you sit. On a drive through the country, you’d see as many little country churches as adult entertainment establishments, the modern continuation of the culture war between the Bible-thumpers and the pirates who settled the state. So a good, old-fashioned book burning doesn’t surprise me at all.

  135. Zack Morris

    The only books left are the Bible and Chicken Soup for that Girl Who sits in the Back of Class, Wears a Skirt that goes below her Ankles, Doesn’t make eye contact with boys, and Overuses the word Heathen.

  136. chascates

    Fascinating facts about lovely Canton, N.C. via Wikipedia:

    The racial makeup of the town was 96.13% White, 1.59% African American, 0.57% Native American, 0.10% Asian, 0.94% from other races, and 0.67% from two or more races. Hispanic or Latino of any race were 2.41% of the population.
    The median income for a household in the town was $28,775, and the median income for a family was $38,191. Males had a median income of $28,792 versus $22,143 for females. The per capita income for the town was $17,995. About 9.5% of families and 13.3% of the population were below the poverty line, including 24.6% of those under age 18 and 5.9% of those age 65 or over.
    The median age was 43 years. For every 100 females there were 85.9 males. For every 100 females age 18 and over, there were 81.7 males.

  137. MzNicky

    [re=434745]Lazy Media[/re]: East Tennessee town, pop. 500? Lemme guess: Church Hill? Surgoinsville? Greeneville? Ooltewah? Strawberry Plains?

    I’ve lived in these here parts all my life, and I have to say, I’ve never seen a book burnin’ that included various versions of the Bible. This is hard-core cuckoo — snake-handlin’ poison-swillin’ nutzo. On the bright side, I doubt they vote. That would be of the Devil.

  138. MzNicky

    Also besides: Sides? You people never heard of cole slaw, tater salad, baked beans and fries? Good lord, what do YOU eat with your plate of greasy roasted fatty pig butt meat?

  139. GreatOldOnesParty

    [re=435369]MzNicky[/re]: So they’re going to be burning Bibles on Halloween?
    Where do I sign up?

  140. Darkness

    Did they post an address where we can send them things to burn? I got some craptastic Dan Brown tome someone gave me, I’m sure they’d love to throw it on the pile. And it will make me happy to imagine they did.

  141. villageatrois

    [re=434751]knoxtheharpy[/re]: “Is that like a death panel for grandma’s music?” Yup, yah gotta burn everything except Allman Brothers. Since Warren Haynes played with them in Saint Dwayne’s place, you can’t burn Government Mule. Jesus burned out their (Allan) Woody, so now they’re clean.

  142. mumblyjoe

    I think the real story is that Jim just said that Wonkette endorses the burning of the writings of Mother Teresa and the Pope. It’s a shocking admission of the anti-papist sentiments that hithertofore we all only suspected.

  143. Darkness

    [re=434888]andmeilikethesauce[/re]: But they prayed, really, really, really, exceptionally hard while writing the King James Version, and the spirit directed their sleep deprived little hands to write the TRUE WORD, which is, of course, in GOD’S TRUE Language: English. This was in between bouts of buttsex debauchery with the King, of course. No one is perfect.

  144. IamB

    My pastor says that all of you fucking foul-mouthed bastards are going straignt to fucking hell for your foolery.

  145. Maldoror

    Well at least my noise, avant garde, and drone collection will be safe. And I can keep my Satanic Bible.

Comments are closed.