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Sweet Crickets, This New GOP Website Is One Helluva Funbag

Yes. YES. Look at him shake it. He’s like, “What up? I’m here, and it’s time to party, baby.” Again: a hilarious dancing hobbit version of Michael Steele appears when you load the new Everyone is loving this. Think Progress is having a very Think Progress-y field day, with its dreaded flat tone of icy partisanship: “However, one of the people listed as a ‘great Republican’ is baseball legend Jackie Robinson, who actually identified himself as an independent. In fact, Robinson spoke out about the ‘hatred’ he saw at the 1964 GOP convention, where Barry Goldwater won the nomination. He called it ‘one of the most unforgettable and frightening experiences of my life.'” Holy potatoes, this is one fuckin’ website here. We’ll probably post about some other insane aspect of it in like an hour. []

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

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  1. Crab1

    It’s like when my high school guidance counselor wore a baseball hat backwards one time. He totally got me and all my teenage friends!

  2. AnnieGetYourFun

    Can someone with more time on their hands than I have, and also probably an office rather than a cubicle frequented by one’s boss every ten minutes, please add items to that animal gif, like boobies, or penises or anything other than empty space, where Steele’s hands keep touching?

  3. snideinplainsight

    Maybe he just shook it a little too hard. (Massive amounts of effort being expended to resist tacking on a cheesy emoticon here.)

  4. Crank Tango

    man, that dude has some fucking moves! It’s like his underwear is made of sandpaper or something.

  5. Buzz Feedback

    Mr. Steele reminds me of the white cop from “Sanford & Son” who would always screw up the jive talk.

  6. AnnieGetYourFun

    The ultimately tragic thing is that, because we are all trying to view the site in order to mock it, the GOP will try to push their pageviews as proof of how the Republican Party is ON THE MEND, and the media won’t question it.

    “One million views in the first DAY, Jim!”

  7. snideinplainsight

    Fatal error: Out of memory (allocated 262144) (tried to allocate 24576 bytes) in C:\Webs\\sphere\Sphere.php on line 195

    What I like is all the interesting and different errors they can make. Every time you click the clicky, it’s like a whole new thing!

  8. Extemporanus

    “What up?”

    Sure as hell not your website, Chairman Humpty!

    Just because you designed it to look like something out of Communist Russia doesn’t mean that you had to make it function like it was, too. Or did the GOP just proactively block my ISP or something? Not that I would blame them, but still, what tha fuck?!

  9. Fred Wertham Jr.

    [re=433421]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: NO! “Animal gif” is great. Everyone must start calling them that RIGHT NOW.

  10. shadowMark

    “During Phase 1 of the experiment, Gecko 1 showed only a slight preference (2%) for sweet over bitter crickets. Gecko 2 had a much higher preference at 9% more sweet crickets eaten over bitter. During Phase 2 when I rotated the control gecko, Gecko 1 showed a greater preference for sweet with 9% more sweet eaten over bitter and Gecko 3 showed exactly the same 9% difference. Finally during Phase 3, Gecko 2 (who had showed a higher preference for sweet in Phase 1) showed only a 1% preference and it was for bitter crickets. Gecko 3 continued to show a significant preference for sweet crickets with a 12% difference. In summary, over all crickets eaten during the experiment, the geckos showed varying degrees of preference for sweet over bitter crickets.”

    Lizards that whore out for insurance companies like sweet crickets

  11. RoscoePColtraine

    The GOP doesn’t invest munny in websites! 90% of their constituents don’t have computers, and the ones that do have dial-up. Juno. It’s true!

  12. Fuck Toad

    Michael Steele sure has some great moves! He’s definitely a street-smart urban warrior, who knows exactly when to get down to brass tacks and tweak some nipples like a starving meth-addicted piglet.

  13. Crank Tango

    [re=433423]Buzz Feedback[/re]: some asshole commenting on one of my friend’s fb posts the other day tried to cite Sanford and Son as an example of whitey getting the shaft stereotype-wise. I could only assume she was talking about that cop.

  14. responsible commenter

    Cutting edge web design. One minute I’m meditating on the crossed flags ‘n curlicues and the next: Fatal error: out of dynamic memory in yy_create_buffer() in Unknown on line 0

    bait: “Will you please submit your photo and a brief statement on why you are a Republican? Who knows, you may soon see your face as part of our new “GOP”.” I wonder how carefully they will check the photos.

  15. Noonan

    Now that terrible early 90s “rap” song with the hook “Express Yaself” is stuck in my head. But just those two words because I can’t remember the rest. Save me.

  16. snideinplainsight

    She’s saying “Because I support small government, low taxes, and conservative family values.” which isn’t exactly a complete thought, whatever, but her eyes are SO saying “Come get me, big strong values voter!”

  17. hockeymom

    WTF? Why was I not warned that this is a TALKING website? That Michael Steele not only moves, but speaks? I about had a heart attack.
    Totally NSFW.

  18. Crank Tango

    [re=433448]responsible commenter[/re]: bait: “Will you please submit your photo and a brief statement on why you are a Republican? Who knows, you may soon see your face as part of our new “GOP”.” I wonder how carefully they will check the photos.

    Sounds pretty “iphone” worthy to me, no?

  19. PoignancySelz

    Where’s Trig? Or some dancing cats?
    Please, also, be inclusive of our wigger friends.

    I took this Psychology Test in college, “I can’t remember the name of the prestigious University”, where they flashed a black image in front of me, then a white image, then a black image….it was all very disconcerting.

  20. ifthethunderdontgetya"

    When the Goopervs finally can Steele, perhaps they can hire Orly Taitz to replace him.

  21. Gopherit

    I’m submitting this guy:Alan David Berlin, He is an aide for Senator Jane Orie of Pennsylvania. He is also a furry who contacted a fifteen year old boy over the internet, and offered to “yiff” the boy in a panda outfit, while his parents weren’t home. The parents discovered the graphic emails on the boy’s computer and called the attorney general’s child predator unit sometime in May. Police raided his home and discovered various furry outfits such as a wolf costume, as well as a cat outfit; all complete with two holes cut out at the undersides of the costumes. He is now arraigned in Dauphin County jail on a $250,000 bail.[10][11][12][13]

  22. Min

    I’d feel kinda bad for the Repubs, if I didn’t loathe the GOP with the heat of a thousand suns. During a period of unusually high sunspot activity.

  23. Extemporanus

    [re=433438]facehead[/re]: I hardly needed to change a word:

    First I limp to the side like my leg was broken
    Shakin’ and twitchin’ kinda like I was smokin’
    Crazy wack funky
    People say ya look like M.C. Hammer on crack, Steeley
    That’s all right ’cause my body’s in motion
    It’s supposed to look like a fit or a convulsion
    Anyone can play this game
    This is my dance, y’all, Steeley Steele’s my name
    No two people will do it the same
    Ya got it down when ya appear to be in pain
    Wheelin’, dealin’, reelin’,
    jig around, shakin’ ya heel,
    and when the dude with real feel points a finger at your meal
    tell him “Step off, I’m doin’ the Steele!”

    Black people, do the Steeley Steele, do the Steeley Steele!
    White people, do the Steeley Steele, do the Steeley Steele!
    Puerto Ricans, do the Steeley Steele, just keep on doin’ the Steele!
    Samoans, do the Steeley Steele, do the Steeley Steele!

    Let’s get stoopid!

  24. RoscoePColtraine

    I’m rather surprised the “faces of the GOP” doesn’t feature any grown-up unaborted retard babies. (or does it(?))
    CHOOSE LIFE!!!!!111!!1!!

  25. natoslug

    WTF are they using for a web server? Windows 3.11 on an old 486? I’ve never seen so many errors at one site. I’ve yet to actually see the site up and experience the David Duke Dance Troupe or whatever it is that keeps crashing their server.

  26. Extemporanus

    [re=433444]Luke E Pierre[/re]: Dead on.

    “It looks like you’re losing all credibility with the American people. Would you like help?”

  27. coolcatdaddy

    Gee, their site works as well as the Bush era Federal Emergency Management Agency. And just as disastery.

  28. comicbookguy

    I think it’s time for redstate to make their move, take over the GOP, and install Palin as their leader.

  29. Crank Tango

    [re=433450]Noonan[/re]: I’m expressing with my full capabilities, and now I’m living in correctional facilities, cuz some don’t agree with how i do this, i get straight, meditate like a buddist. I’m dropping flavor, my behavior is hereditary, but my technique is very necessary, blame it on Ice Cube, because he said it gets funky when ya got a subject and a predicate…

    oh fuckit…

  30. slappypaddy

    from babble spass through tea bagging to their abortion of a website, the gop is cornering the market in fail, the price of which can now be expected to rise like an inflating real estate bubble, what with their having a monopoly and all.

  31. memzilla

    Praise be to Cthulhu Jeebus, we broke da ‘Thuglican Intertubez!

    I have (snf) never been prouder of our community.

    This is only a warmup for what we can do next. I’m looking at you, Weblog Awards!

  32. Mustang

    Now it can’t even display the webpage. It’s not even trying anymore. Come on GOP. We’re having lots of fune for a Tuesday.

  33. Extemporanus

    [re=433472]natoslug[/re]: The GOP didn’t factor in the probability that most of the hamsters they installed to power the site would die of ass-phyxiation prior to its launch.

  34. Smoke Filled Roommate

    [re=433455]The Cold Sea[/re]: Ain’t no thang but a chicken wing yo. They gotta cut that Steele loose like JeriCurl juice. Drop that oreo zero and get them a hero.
    But the kids and racist small business owners seem to like him.

  35. S.Luggo

    “Save me, Obi Wan Kenobi. You’re my only hope.”

    Back into your can, Mikey.
    —- The Acacia Blocc Compton Crips

  36. Smoke Filled Roommate

    [re=433496]Extemporanus[/re]: So the internet tubes are actually Habitrail tubes.. Wow.

  37. Downtheroadapiece

    I hope you all are happy. The site is seriously borked now. And to make matters worse, looks like these geniuses also have pointing to the same place. Now what fun is that for the rest of us?

  38. Scruffy_The_Janitor

    He says “Whats up?” and then points to his crotch and looks at you
    as if to say “You like?”

  39. Way Cool Larry

    Just goes to show the POWER OF WONKETTE!1!!1!

    Wait– it’s back, but MCSteele is seriously shaky, like a bad cell phone connection

  40. TGY

    This is what comes from having monks code in HTML using wordpad as they gather in their cold, dark cells, sharing their communal hardtack and water while flagellating themselves. Blessed be the name of Our Lady of the NULL EXCEPTION ERROR.

  41. Jukesgrrl

    [re=433448]responsible commenter[/re]: “I wonder how carefully they will check the photos.”

    Uh oh, I feel another Glenn Beck Website moment coming on.

  42. Gopherit

    [re=433579]Jukesgrrl[/re]: I’ve already submitted skoal rebel, Mark Sanford, and some republican yiffer. GET ON IT, PEOPLE.

  43. coolcatdaddy

    Hmph… I always knew Michael Steele was actually Clippy, the Microsoft Paper Clip Office Assistant…

  44. S.Luggo

    [re=433525]Opie Curious[/re]: That was totally, but totes uncalled for.

    [re=433568]teebob2000[/re]: Sha-zizzle.

  45. notwavingbutdrowning

    [re=433413]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: That gif will get my full blingee treatment. Stay tuned.

    It is like they asked The Onion to create their site for them. Or Wonkette. It defies parody.

  46. mocowbell

    It needs that “dancing baby” in the upper right corner. Then it will be complete (so long as David Vitter’s face is, of course, superimposed on aforementioned “baby”).

  47. imissopus

    Whoever created that animated gif is to be commended. I’m getting my money’s worth of laughs out of Wonkette today!

  48. mumblyjoe

    A friend of mine summed up what’s wrong with the “GOP Heroes” page where there are all of 3(?) people from after 1939:

    “The message really is ‘Look at all these people who made a stand for things that were progressive 100 years ago! We also grudgingly accept that the things they fought for are probably okay to still keep around.'”

  49. problemwithcaring

    [re=433448]responsible commenter[/re]: I submitted a picture of Willie Horton, since they need Black people. Quote: “The GOP really is all about faces like mine.”

  50. ScaredShitless

    “Born to a former slave in Georgia, Pinckney Pinchback lived in Ohio as a youth, but then moved to Union-controlled New Orleans during the Civil War. He served on the executive committee of the Louisiana Republican Party and wrote the civil rights section of the 1868 state constitution. That year, he was a delegate to the Republican National Convention and won a seat in the state senate. His senate colleagues elected him president pro tem in 1871.

    The office of Lt. Governor being vacant when the Governor was impeached, Pinchback served as Governor of Louisiana from November 1872 to January 1873.”

    Ummm, wow. That’s pretty impressive. Glad they enshrined this guy as a hero on their new website. A delegate to the national convention. You don’t say!

  51. GreatOldOnesParty

    can someone PLZZZZZZ turn that MC Steele animation into a Blingee stamp .gif?

    i would lurv you for all of five minutes more than i would have otherwise!
    How could you pass up my lurv?

  52. notwavingbutdrowning

    [re=433697]problemwithcaring[/re]: pleasepleaseplease let willie show up on their faces page

  53. betamu

    So they are looking for republican programmers/developers. So, an unemployed programmer (there are so many of us!) has to prove republican party bona fides before they will employ them? Is that even legal?

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