a changing world

A Children’s Treasury Of ‘GOP Faces’ From The Hot New GOP Website

It pops up!The best aspect of the newly redesigned Republican Party website — aside from that amazing “What up?” thing — is the ability to refresh and refresh and refresh the homepage, for hours, to see all of the “GOP Faces” in circulation in the upper left corner, between the “G” and the “P,” where, what, a “Y” is supposed to go? But it’s just some random person’s head instead? Well your editors Jim and Juli have seen most or all of the “GOP Faces,” and analyzed them. Click the clicky to meet the members of what must be some secret “other” Republican Party in an alternate dimension, what with the youth and the diversity and the albino.

Juli: They named the black person “beta”?
Jim: Too commie.

Jim: “The GOP cuts my hair.”
Juli: Oh this one’s named beta too! They couldn’t name him “Senor Beta”?

Jim: Meghan McCain: The Afterbirth
Juli: “Do I look somehow upside down to you?”

Jim: Jonah Goldberg finally ate his brother.
Juli: The G looks like a powdered donut!

Juli: Dana Carvey had a stroke?
Jim: “You know what would be cool? If the G and P were actually little boys, and I could molest them, because I like to molest little boys. Because I squint like this, right?”

Jim: “I’m modeling part-time for the Internet now, but I’ll be going back to Bryn Mawr in January.”
Juli: “I stole Dana Carvey’s collared shirt while he was having a stroke.”

Juli: You’d think the description “token stereotype” would somehow be self-defeating, and yet…
Jim: Why wear a scarf when you can tie Goblin Snakes around your neck?

Jim: Oh hey look, it’s popular civil liberties blogger Glenn Greenwald. Glenn what are you doing!
Juli: “Oh hi everyone I am combing my hair like this for fancy photograph hour!”

Jim: GOP.com webmasters: “This is Frederick Douglass, right? Let’s go with ‘Frederick Douglass.’”
Juli: This one’s a secret wink to all the Atlas Shrugged readers…

Jim: “When they told me the G and P would be white, I knew I had the perfect outfit.”
Juli: [*sounds of a static-y car radio sort of picking up the local top-40 station but not really*]

It’s the new faces of the GOP! the GOP’s website, “America.com!”

(What? Don’t even think it. They get their paychecks, we get to mock them, it’s fair.)

[GOP.com]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell
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164 comments

  1. Airborne Toxic Event

    They have 3-D Michael Steele walk in front of the text and talk about new ideas. Why can’t we have 3-D Ken Layne talk about, I don’t know, genital warts?

  2. ExecutorElassus

    That last girl, her eyes are dead.

    Thanks for nothing, Wonkette: I really needed another nightmare this week.

  3. catsquatch

    It’s a trick question! They’re all hookers except for “Glen Greenwald” who ran over a neighbors cat while participating in a lewd act while driving.

  4. saridout

    two best aspects of the site so far: you don’t only get to pause michael steele, but you can MUTE him while he still gesticulates comically. also, there’s a personal note from him under the Discuss tab called “What Up? -by Michael Steele.”

  5. Crank Tango

    why do I seriously doubt that any of them are republicans except the white dudes? and the flight attendant. maybe her too. No wait, that chick at the bottom too.

  6. SmutBoffin

    The third person down appears to be wearing a bonnet. Is this something that youths do (for fashion!) that I am not aware of?

  7. norbizness

    You missed the disclaimer at the bottom of the site…

    * if it’s a picture of anyone darker than Plaster of Paris, it’s likely we stole it without permission off of Flickr. As our only actual Negro Michael Steele would say: “Keep it on the down low.”

  8. davitydave

    Why did you not tell me that a magical little Michael Steele walks out of the upper right hand corner on GOP.com to explain teh internets when you first visit? Magical AND informative!

  9. nappyduggs

    It is truly amazing what you can get ordinary mall shoppers to do when promised a coupon for Pier 1.

  10. norbizness

    P.S. The girl with the hat looks like a grifter who steals yuppies’ money after posing as a British nanny.

  11. Dave J.

    The Bryn Mawr chick looks like some girl you hook up with at a party and then spend the next day trying to figuring out how to ditch after she just will not stop talking about her intense interest in Teach for America. I mean, Christ, enough.

  12. Cherry Garcia

    I am offended!! No token Latino yelling about how only the GOP can save Cuba from the Commies?!?! And it being Hispanic Heritage Month, you think they would have at least tried.

  13. AnSnarkist

    I
    I will be king
    And you
    You will be queen
    Though nothing will
    Drive them away
    We can beat them
    Just for one day
    We can be heroes
    Just for one day

  14. Gopherit

    Please tell me they’re going to put up an app that will let us put our own pics in the GOP? If not, I am cranking up photoshop

  15. Buzz Feedback

    All the black Republican heroes are from like 7 million years ago when Jesus was riding dinosaurs and shit. Except for LaCrotcha up there at the top. She’s my hero. Kthxbi.

  16. imissopus

    Hey look! Someone shrunk Michael Steele and put him in my computer!

    Hey Mike, Republican coders and designers? What if Democrats and registered Independents need the work? What kind of a big tent are you running over there anyway?

  17. Serolf Divad

    What do you want to be that GOP African American faces ends up overrepresenting actual GOP demographics by about 1000%.

  18. freakishlystrong

    I can haz Commentz secktion of this GOP site? Needz to commentz on all the funny Retardlicans…

  19. give us a bob

    The Micheal Steele nymph promptly jumped down onto my table and has yet to stop talking. It could simply be the lack of caffeine, but really, you need to put up a disclaimer before directing unsuspecting people to a website that has been hexed with malicious sprites.

  20. shadowMark

    About that pale girl in the scarf. In the monsters movies young women wear a scarf to hide the two fang marks on the side of their neck after a vampire bites them but before he sucks out enough of their blood to kill them and turn them into a vampire. I’m just saying.

  21. gurukalehuru

    The “Republican Accomplishments” section is an accomplishment in EPIC FAIL. Whole bunches of stuff on the Republican party of the 1860s (who are you kidding, guys – Lincoln was a tall, lean, intelligent, thoughtful man who gave great speeches and was a master of diplomacy – sound like anybody we know?), nothing at all about Herbert Hoover, and they listed the Contract With America, Tax Cuts for the rich and the Iraq War as if they were good things.
    Also, they tried to take credit for Truman integrating the military and, while justifiably crediting Eisenhower with the Interstate Highway System, they totally tried to pretend he didn’t borrow the idea from the Nazis.

  22. el donaldo

    So no one under “young leaders” and lots of dazed looking followers? That about sum up the GOP.

  23. T-thyme

    [re=433141]ExecutorElassus[/re]: That’s no girl–it’s Jon Cryer sporting his “weekend blonde” look.

  24. magic titty

    [re=433164]Dave J.[/re]: Oh she’s definitely a frat house babe. A sloppy drunk and a sober annoyance.

  25. Bearbloke

    [re=433167]AnSnarkist[/re]:

    You can’t change The World
    But you can change the Facts
    And when you change the Facts
    You change Points of View
    When you change Points of View
    You can change a Vote
    And when you change a Vote
    You can change The World…

  26. Mustang

    LOOK! You can vote GOP if you are black, even if you are overweight, because we LOVE that. You can be white and butt ugly or you can look like some queer weirdo. Yes, you can! Oh, for God’s sake. Just believe our bullshit pleeeeeeeze so we can get back to the business of making sure you stay poor and 5 percent of us stay appalingly wealthy.

  27. PabaBritannica

    Girl with a hat! The hat says “artsy”, which means the GOP is edgy because some jewelry makers joined to protect their $20 a month business from TAXES!

  28. AnnieGetYourFun

    [re=433154]Spike[/re]: I can’t decide if this is better or worse than being “the face of herpes”. I’d do a lot of desperate things for money, but being a stock photo model would NOT be one of them.

  29. Evil Dr. Puma

    According to the latest polls, only these ten people still identify themselves as Republicans.

  30. Filthy Crapcan

    Database Error: Unable to connect to your database. Your database appears to be turned off or the database connection settings in your config file are not correct. Please contact your hosting provider if the problem persists.

  31. El Pinche

    RNC page FAIL:
    “Database Error: Unable to connect to your database. Your database appears to be turned off or the database connection settings in your config file are not correct. Please contact your hosting provider if the problem persists.”

  32. catsquatch

    Database Error: Unable to connect to your database. Your database appears to be turned off or the database connection settings in your config file are not correct. Please contact your hosting provider if the problem persists.

    It’s always fun until someone’s inter-pipes get clogged.

  33. Evil Dr. Puma

    [re=433200]Servo[/re]: skoalrebel is actually the member of the Connecticut for Lieberman Party.

  34. Evil Dr. Puma

    [re=433227]catsquatch[/re]: They failed to anticipate the enthusiastic response of mocking bloggers to their silly and insubstantial site redesign.

  35. Kenneth the NBC Governor

    My favorite part is when the 3D Michael Steele walks in front of and makes impossible to click the Donation or Sign Up buttons.

  36. hobospacejunkie

    [re=433213]Egregious[/re]: Visitors can upload their photos? Well, what are we waiting for? I’m using google image search to find & upload as many o-faces as I can find.

  37. Hooray For Anything

    I find it interesting that the photos show a disturbing lack of poorly dressed overweight, elderly white people holding either signs of dead fetuses, birth certificates, or something about homosexuality being against God. I thought this was supposed to show “Republican Heroes?”

  38. Hooray For Anything

    [re=433184]gurukalehuru[/re]: I thought they would have just copied and pasted St. Ronnie’s Wikipedia for the “Republican Accomplishments” section. And if Obama went out and tried to build a new Interstate Highway System, Glen Beck would have lit himself on fire during his show in protest and Michelle Bachman would give a speech about how the highways are really to be built to make it easier for FEMA trucks to transport people to their work camps.

  39. MOG

    “Girl in hat” appears to be a Clearasil (pimple cream, kids, before your time)ad from the 60′s. She’s too Mod!

  40. Extemporanus

    [re=433216]El Pinche[/re]: That was gay as hell.

    Everyone check back in a little bit: I’m gonna upload a nice clean jpeg of the G[face]P banner (sans [face]) that everyone can desecrate at will.

  41. assistant/atlas

    [re=433149]SmutBoffin[/re]: Yes, bonnets and Uggs ….with backless floral tops and, usually, hotpants…I know, I know, us kids today!

    I’ll get off your lawn now.

  42. RoscoePColtraine

    Wow, no Jews either? Well, maybe except for that one dude who looks like he could be John Lithgow in a funhouse mirror. Nah, he’s not Jewish.

  43. One Yield Regular

    So – they’re all just big “O”‘s?

    Also, nearly all the men and most of the women appear to wearing the same shirt. Is that some new sort of Republican uniform?

  44. Terry

    This is begging for some Photoshop, say, put in the face of a morbidly obese, basement dweller, covered in junkfood stains and surrounded by wank inspiring magazines.

  45. A Better American Than You!

    Riley better grab that ugly-ass pink sweater and hurry over to the web site — where he can become even more famous.

  46. Manofsteel

    I just think it’s so cool that the human head is shaped like the letter O. The GP is so cool.

  47. donner_froh

    I’m surprised they remembered to remove the “stock image” tag from the pics they grabbed from the interwebz.

  48. MzNicky

    [re=433253]hobospacejunkie[/re]: “O” faces? Like the “O” face thing from “Office Space”? Oh — faces to go in the G “O” P place. How about a whole bunch of “O” faces for the GOP “O”! Oh nevermind.

    And El Pinche’s skoalrebel image is making me laugh out loud real hard. Haw haw! I love juvenile-delinquent humor!

    Wonder when that GOP page will be back? Looks like someone broke it. I hope it was skoalrebel.

  49. user-of-owls

    [re=433288]One Yield Regular[/re]:

    Advisor One: “So what color shirts should we use for our new uniforms?”

    Advisor Two: “Black?”

    Advisor One: “Think again.”

    Advisor Two: “Brown?”

    Advisor One: “Think again.”

    Advisor Two: “Um, white?”

    Advisor One: “Bingo.”

  50. Way Cool Larry

    [re=433298]teebob2000[/re]: um, unlike other NSFW links I’ve seen, that’s really NSFW… though I guess the URL sort of gives it away, I still thought it would be one pic of a woman who likes like that GOP chick, not a whole freakin’ montage of big breasts

  51. Extemporanus

    [re=433276]Extemporanus[/re]: DAMMIT!

    After all making all those O-faces, the GOP website’s refractory period appears to be shot to hell. I can’t access it to grab the screen shot I need for the G[face]P template.

    If and when it ever gets back up, I’ll post a link to the image here and in the comments of whatever the most recent Wonkette post happens to be.

  52. widget09

    Yeah, yhat’s all fine & dandy, however, they should make the “O” in GOP fashoned as a big hairy sphincter, then insert face.

  53. user-of-owls

    [re=433216]El Pinche[/re]: Ladies and Gentleman, I give you the next Jon McNaughton…EL PINCHE!

  54. Jukesgrrl

    [re=433245]blinky_twinkie[/re]: “I *so* want these people to be located on iStockPhoto.com.”

    Next week they’ll show up on controlyourgenitalherpes.com.

  55. Flanders

    [re=433280]El Pinche[/re]: I’ll have to wait until I get home, you’ve been webwashed.
    Bad Reputation
    Your request to URL “http://www.fileden.com/files/2009/2/22/2334311/timv.jpg” has been blocked by TrustedSource. The Web reputation score of this URL is 127, which is not allowed by your administrator at this time.

  56. Min

    between the “G” and the “P,” where, what, a “Y” is supposed to go?

    Uh-oh. Now you’ve gone and insulted all the Wonkette gypsies.

  57. RoscoePColtraine

    [re=433366]Jukesgrrl[/re]: If I were an iStockPhoto model, I honestly can’t decide on which website I’d rather have my likeness appear. GOP or “Look at me I have genital herpes!” If the choice were between GOP and “Look at me I have diarrhea!” it’d be diarrhea hands down.

  58. shadowMark

    [re=433371]Min[/re]: As if teh Wonkett cares about gypsies except the 16-year old pretty ones named Esmeralda.

  59. Extemporanus

    [re=433340]Extemporanus[/re]: EVERYBODY GET OFF THE GOP WEBSITE! I CAN’T MAKE MY O-FACE!

    I’ve been able to get that communist-looking piece of shit site to load exactly ONCE in the last 2 hours. By the time I can finally grab what I need to start desecrating, I seriously doubt that I’ll even be in the mood any more.

    WHAT UP MICHAEL STEELE?! People who live in San Francisco want to make O-faces, too!

  60. leftcoaster

    I’m irrationally annoyed they’re counting Frederick Douglass and Jackie Robinson among their “heroes.” Don’t they realize the Republican party did sort of an about face in terms of what they stood for in the early 1900′s?

  61. MzNicky

    [re=433384]Extemporanus[/re]: Do not ever flag in your enthusiasm to desecrate GOP things. “Courage,” as Dan Rather used to say.

  62. Flanders

    [re=433384]Extemporanus[/re]: Let me know if you need a snack or drink or something, I don’t want you to get cranky or tired while working on this project for us.

  63. shadowMark

    Instead of this dubious re-design of their site, the GOP should hire Katherine Neville to craft a contemporary narrative for the Party. She’d use her alchemical skill to blend modern romance, historical fiction, and medieval mystery to…come up with gold for the folks on the Right.

  64. joezoo

    Second to last one: in loving memory of Wesley Willis. (I think schizophrenics tend to vote Republican.)

  65. El Pinche

    [re=433364]user-of-owls[/re]: thx. And skoalrebel doesn’t need a gay-ass fly-over description.

  66. PoignancySelz

    [re=433322]El Pinche[/re]: I got to give it to you dude, you don’t give up even after that brutal 2nd place finish last week. You must really need those TruckNutz or an “iPhone”, or something.

  67. Smoke Filled Roommate

    [re=433384]Extemporanus[/re]: “Oops! This link appears to be broken. Like the Republican Party.”

    Seriously, try it now. And don’t forget Ashley Todd for me. TIA

  68. PoignancySelz

    [re=433475]El Pinche[/re]: Any Spalin or Trigs? Or have they become passe?
    god damn dancing cats, or Howie Kurtz.

  69. problemwithcaring

    [re=433213]Egregious[/re]: There are 3 black faces that they just keep repeating, and using their “quotes” interchangeably.

    C’mon Repthugs! You gotta try a little harder – it’s easy to pick out the three colored folks in a see of white…

  70. problemwithcaring

    They are asking people to tell them “Why are you a Republican” because they can’t understand it themselves.

    Why the fuck are you people Republican??

  71. MzNicky

    [re=433611]Atheist Nun[/re]: Now that there is one fine Blingey job. Except it represents the old GOP.

  72. lochnessmonster

    GOP fundraising is that bad they all ahd to share the same white shirt (except for that chickie-babe with the white hat)?

  73. Extemporanus

    To those of you who offered me words of support and encouragement during my long personal nightmare of being unable to access G[showusyourfuckface]P.com long enough to grab a screenshot, I thank you.

    Sooo, now that the joke is hardly even funny anymore—and online templates abound (thanks #&!@ Dean)—
    anyone who still gives a shit can get my clean G[face]P template—as well as a G[ken]P pic and more—right HERE.

    Yippee.

  74. delirium

    I’m insulted! There were sooo not any part time model republicans at Bryn Mawr. And even if they started out as a republican they left with a buzz cut and a girlfriend.

  75. El Pinche

    [re=433764]Extemporanus[/re]: Who used a template?? I
    did it the old fashioned way. I used the administrator password supplied by Steele himself, I logged into Steele’s personal computer (C&C Music Factory desktop!), used his Paint.exe and the original template, and copied to the gop.com directory.

  76. President Beeblebrox

    [re=433827]GreatOldOnesParty[/re]: IMMA CHARGIN MY GOP LAZER

    The possibilities really are endless. Cthulhu, Belladonna’s arsehole, Marge Simpson, the Eye of Jupiter, a toilet, a drain, pretty much anything with a hole in it works. Yay, GOP, thanks for bringing us the Bright Red version of Facebook.

  77. Ken Layne

    Oh jesus christ, this is horrifying. I think this marks the first time in my several weeks away that I’ve sort of missed working a Wonkette editorial shift. Nicely done, J/J!

  78. Dolmance

    They obviously ran a kind of demographic study of the dullest wits who could still remain ambulatory and got together a portfolio of representative faces. The Republicans did this in the hope that they’ll be able to attract as many people who have been passed by in life as possible so their resentments can be harnessed for the cause.

    These are thoroughly nondescript types that you normally wouldn’t notice and they hate you for it. And the Republicans want them to understand that if they elect Republicans, in return they’ll be able to get some payback in the form of seeing you made miserable.

    These are people who want you to pay for being better than they are. And you will pay. You’ll pay and pay and pay until your asses are sucking buttermilk.

  79. Bugman

    Very interesting and mind numbing comments by the lot of you. It’s obvious this is a liberal blog and in typical fashion the comments are as insignificant and mindless as your pitfall lives.

    You all should spend less time worrying about what the Republican party is doing and more about what your elected Congress and the President of this nation are destroying.

    1. Increased taxes to support the deficit that will be forth coming that your Congress and President spun to you all titled under what they want you to believe is a “stimulus package. Ask yourself what stimulus have you received since your hero has been in office? Increasing the top 5% will only trickle down to the bottom 95% wake up the rich don’t suffer it’s you and I that will in increased costs and reduced salaries.

    2. Socialized Medicine? really when has the government done a banner job on running anything? Think of all the wonderful establishments the government runs today and ask yourself do you want healthcare in their hands? If you are buying that load of shit I have some medicine I would love to sell you it cures stupidity and allows you to see the light.

    3. Nobel Peace Prize? what next?? I guess since he is the beloved face of Hollywood then he should be nominated for whatever shit they are giving away, Oscar, Emmy, BET award??? This man has done nothing and yet we applaud him and put him up on a pedestal as if he is the next Lincoln, please folks. Lincoln and many of the republicans featured in the heroes section of the GOP are people that have created change in our nation and all for your freedom and civil rights the very rights that are being taken away with every bill being forced through congress today.

    A challenge to you all since you all seem to be so insightful… If you like Democrats so much let’s see a list of their heroes, please I would love to know what they have accomplished in the last 200+ years, that you all hang your hats on, enlighten me please.

  80. Bugman

    Let’s have an intelligent conversation about our current administration and stop living in the past. If someone like the RNC or DNC have something interesting to say that you may find compelling, I hope you are willing to listen to both sides and keep an open mind, look at the issues from all angles.

    Every issue will have a chain reaction play out those scenarios and make your judgments on those returns before taking any issue on at face value. It’s easy to look at things from a single perspective but when we embrace both or other angles we can then see what the probable outcome may be more clearly.

  81. CapnFatback

    How cute; someone brought their kid brother! I’ll introduce us.

    Hello, Bugman! Those sure are some sweet mittens you have pinned to your jacket! Welcome to Wonkette, a parody site. Things here will make a lot more sense to you when you have grown up. See, there’s this things called irony, and . . .

    Aw crap, he’s soiled himself. Someone bring forth a diaper and a juice box STAT!

  82. Bugman

    Nice, your name implies everything. I’m sure you would love to pull up a chair and have a helping spoonful of my shit! CapnFATback go _U_K yourself.

  83. NYNYNY

    [re=433137]ManchuCandidate[/re]:
    “no, no, yes, no, no (looks like kid toucher), yes, yes (hatefuck), no, no, no.”

    You are weird.

    no, no, no, no, no, yes, no, no, no, yes.

  84. NYNYNY

    [re=433156]norbizness[/re]: She looks like typical psycho republican bitch. Deep-seated troubles expressed as a hatred of humanity. Her and the neckerchief stewardess hang out at republican functions until one night, a hand on the leg, a kiss, the switch of knife, “No! Not again!” New city, new name.

  85. CapnFatback

    [re=436740]biggiantannoyingthing[/re]: I don;t know what you’re being, but it’s sure not a “helping spoonful,” mister.

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