Wonkette
Oh god, thank you to this commenter for directing us to a mole’s account of Peggy Noonan’s class at Harvard. These Noonanisms speak to the heart and soul of a nation: “I wasn’t sure I could wear mascara every day. One should dress. One should wear mascara when one can.” One should. It is Proper. But hey HARVARD MOLES? HELLO? Don’t send this stuff to Gawker. Be a friend to your Wonkette: tips@wonkette.com. We have more “iPhones” to give out to our best operatives. [Gawker]
Sorry double posting this, but this is worthy of being hand-embroider on an ecru crushed silk pillow for madam’s chaise, even if it takes a dozen Mexican/Chinese children all month to do it. Quoth Peg in class:
“I wasn’t sure I could stay awake all day. This is one of the major stresses of life - making sure you can stay awake all day. I happen to think sleep is one of the most important things in life. Trying to wake up, trying to fall asleep. I don’t know why I’m talking about this.”
Are iPhones the new ‘ho diamonds? I missed about a week when I was riding my camels in the desert (with duty free scotch)
If that Day-Glo photo on the Gawker site is any representation of what owners of digital TVs see, I now have a reason not to buy one. SHe seems to have internalized the Blingees.
“You never have to feel that you’re not allowed to think what you think.”
Ah, Dame Nooningshire, may I present Mr. SkoalRebel?
Mascara? Are you saying that “Peggy” is a chick??
It’s like Kerouac’s soul is doing community service inside her subconsciousness. Yikes.
Jim,I would so mole for Wonkette for a new iPhone. I would even make shit up.
peggington nooners begat skoalrebel begat i need a beer
When she talked about wearing mascara, someone in the class should have asked if she always wears a bra and panties to work. I mean, come on Harvard, grow a pair.
See, this is why private universities are SOOOOOO much better than the state schools.
She gives me a harvard-on.
Jukesgrrl: lulz win!
Bruno: iPhones are the new euphemism, because offers to let us finger-bang intern Riley in a closet just weren’t getting us hot and bothered enough.
alt=”nah”
Question was what?
wow, she makes less sense than the Swedish Chef….
scubaix: I mean I know it’s ‘would you hit that?’ i’m just hoping i’m in some alternate reality where a pix of pegs doesn’t come with an alt text of would you hit that but then that alternate reality probably has stuff like pig flues and Kevin Costner westerns and inconceivable crap like that so…i’ll stick with…wtf
She always sounds like she was just worked over by the dildo of her dreams.
“One should wear mascara when one can.” ?
One reason Chinese girls are better looking is that they don’t use a lot of mascara! Avon etc. are doing their best to change things, but they haven’t succeeded yet.
Zhu Bajie
Oh my god, the amount of edumacation is just INSANE. God, why did I skip classes back in my little shitty cow college when I could have been illuminated by such wonders?
I’ll have to play a lot of Assassin’s Creed and dive into too many hay lofts to figure this one. While watching Red Dawn on repeat, on head phones. I will not say, “also.”
Zadig: Well maybe if Jim would let us get beyond third base with Lil Waggaman MAYBE we’d be more interested, HMMMM?
zhubajie: If Peggy is into eye makeup, she really should do a YouTube cover of Skye Sweetnam’s rainbow eyes. Never mind Twitter, Peggy. Even Miley doesn’t do that crap any more. All the cool young girls are making videos of themselves and putting them on YouTube. Come on Peggy. Be cool. Be cool Peggy with rainbow eyes. All the boys want you to.
¡Neener, neener, Nooner!
Have you been to Cambridge? It is too cold for any mole to survive there— you have to be aware of the practical elements of the whole thing also. Moles, also, are also very hard to also get to in movies and also make socialize with humans also.
shortsshortsshorts: Cambridge is gorgeous. I have the windows open waiting for pegnoon to come swooping down in a dream and gorge herself on my blood.
(no peggy, here. here. damn it, here!)
scubaix: Actually, and also— Cambridge is also where the actual dream of actually and also draining blood from another actual human being was also actual. You have to also take into account the literally 10’s of thousands of literally actual bats also and actually literally draining blood from another actual human being who was also actual.
Also.
scubaix: You would have to above a blood alcohol content above .50 for that windbag to be interested.
shortsshortsshorts i’ve accounted for that.
El Pinche: i’m trying my best doctor decimaltron. if i don’t have a crazed peggy noonan trying to fly in and kill me and drink my blood in the next half hour i’m going back to triple A.
Very Serious Person iz Very Serious about mascara.
“I don’t know why I’m talking about this.”
I do Peg. It’s a little reason spelled D-R-U-G-S.
One would like Peggy Poonanners to wear a wet t-shirt to class so one can judge the size of one’s nipples, actually, also.
Dame Peggy would not have lasted one minute at the University of Wisconsin, Madison.
I say that with some pride.
Note to self: It’s ALWAYS wear mascara, and NEVER throw salt in your eyes.
I’m always getting those two confused.
Thanks Peggy!
You are humbly welcometh.
I once had a math teacher, a retired Army officer, who believed in reincarnation. It was always easy to get him off track by asking what it was like to be a member of Caesar’s army. He was a gentle soul and always made more sense than Lady Peggy. Or Glenn Beck or Bill O’Reily or Ann Coulter.
Sometimes a celebrity instructor isn’t a good thing. Actually, I meant to say a celebrity instructor is NEVER a good idea. This will give Herself some street cred with the youngins’ and we await her report of future of our childrens, now that they are learning.
El Pinche: There is a “below .5″??
The Gentle Lady penned two (2!) missives this past Friday-day. One upon the wretched herring eaters and their ‘prize’ and another on A ‘Necessary War.”
“At the moment he seems a sort of anti-Lincoln. President Lincoln was early on damaged by Gen. George McClellan’s leaking to his friends in the press, but Lincoln every day was focused on one thing, the war, and took no offense. He knew what was urgent. For Mr. Obama, many things are urgent. But when many things are urgent, nothing really is urgent.”
Criminy. If this one showed up to “teach” my class at actual Famous Harvard I would be marching to the Ombudsman’s office el pronto to get a refund on the 20k that class cost.
Hell, I’d want my money back if it was a freebie talk the quommunity quollege quad.
I want money just for reading about her Instructables.
I’m sorry but if my kid called home and let me know he was taking a class from Dame Peggy I’d yank his ass out of school faster than the orgasm that gave him life. I’m not paying $60K to have him educated by a complete ass hat, partial ass hats okay but complete ones no way.
The operative word here in Dame Noonie’s aporia festival is ’should.’ It is what separates her from the crowd of lower level heathen edumacators. Such pedagogy. Such verbiage. Such a hairdo. Should me Pegster, should me!
Mascera, Panties, Lipstick. It’s all just decoration for bisected flapping flesh. BFF FOREVER!
Liscensing opportunity! A Peggy Noonan voice for a GPS unit! Think of the wonderful horror such a thing could befall! You never could figure out to drive to foriegn countries like Hawaii before! Find out now!
you bastards new this was coming….
http://blingee.com/blingee/view/100508564-Clap-if-you-need-a-drink-
GreatOldOnesParty: I think you need to crank up the katamari.
bago: you mean the cosmological binge drinking epic!
Not even McGuyver could construct such thoughts.
she used baseball metaphors more than twice- funny
Terry: Yes, they have better paid campus guards.
It’s all about the childrenz.
bago: “one should turn left… and dress. the very act of us turning left in 4.5 miles defines our very essence… mascara is to be worn… we missed our turn because we were deliciously distracted… in an enchanted attempt to find our last xanax, which has vexed us by falling between our console and our seat… vexing.”
remake w/ moar Haruhi!
http://blingee.com/blingee/view/100509749-Clap-if-you-need-a-drink-v2-0
FlipOffResearch: That’s because she bats. B-A-T-S. Get it? Bats.
Will be appearing at the Carson City Round-Up and Donkey Pull next weekend, alomg with Poco and the remaining member of Three Dog Night. Tickets available at the door.
Kids under 12 free.
GreatOldOnesParty:
Sister Teresa not amused.
OK, Peg. Just what exactly do you put the mascara on, hmm?
shortsshortsshorts: Does this mean that I shouldn’t get my flu shot?
hockeymom: So true. It is the campus that spawned The Onion. Go Badgers. Woot.
Terry: Right. Um. So remind me, where would you go to find the sharpest minds? Or wits?
Also — in the Gawker comments, it appears that Rachel Sklar fashions herself as some sort of Miss Noonington-In-Waiting by scolding students for mocking the pearls of wisdom they are being offered when they should do as she would do: appreciate the wonder of such a living legend being willing to talk at them.
Mascara, my dear Noonington? The ballgag and leather hood would be far more fetching…
bago: A Noonington GPS voice? No, but I think the Yoda one would have something to say:
“Use the Noonington voice- throw up all over the steering wheel, you will.”
sharing the Blingee goodness…
http://blingee.com/blingee/view/100511390-So-how-s-that-whole-Peace-thing-working-out-?offset=0&owner=czn939
Twatwaffle. Belgian twatwaffle. Thick. With. Blue. Berries. On top, always on top! Or it wouldn’t be proper twatwaffle.
Whew, already a text response from La Noonan: “Twatwaffle, indeed. Langourous. Vapid. Twatwaffle. Oh dear, someone has disgorged oneself upon my brown, spangled breast-cozy.”
My study group is about being a person who thinks things and believes things and turns those thoughts into words which convey thoughts and feelings…
Here, we are all Peggy Noonan.
Where are the Cambridge Police when you really need them to bash some skulls.
And, damn it, I wear mascara every day, but do I get any credit? No.
GreatOldOnesParty: I thought it was “Must kill Danny.”
“One should dress. One should wear mascara when one can.”
How fucking pretentious of you, Pegs. It’s like she’s doing a parody of herself every minute of the day and she’s the only one that doesn’t seem to understand that.
One should know that one should never use “one” as a personal pronoun, consecutively and continuously. One. Also. Tambien.
Lionel Hutz Esq.:
Peggy is neither black nor a male, so the Cambridge Police are not interested in the bat-shit insane antics of Mme Noonan.
LowerdPeninsula: Bat shit crazy she may be, but I stand with the Pegster on this one. One may use one as a personal pronoun whenever one wishes. I much prefer it to “you” when “you” is non-specific, or the Gothamite “youse” or the supposedly charming “y’all” which is popular among our friends south of the Ohio.
However, I’ve got no objection to putting the preposition of a sentence at the end.
I’m not only a grammar Nazi, I’m a grammar Nazi with his own personal agenda. Also.
GreatOldOnesParty: yep!
“One should dress.”
She has to keep reminding herself after that one morning of too many Benzo Mimosas when she stepped outside for a spell. The indecent exposure charge was expunged almost immediately, although the neighbors are still being treated for PTSD.
LowerdPeninsula: Don’t you mean One. Also. Ambien?
Has anyone else noticed that this lecture series is “open to the public”? Massachussetts-area wonkvestigators, your country calls upon you!
How many members of the Board of Regents did this twit have to blow to get a gig at Harvard? The whole thing is just beyond belief.
Jeepers, I wonder what these kids say about her at recess — and does she sit and relish her crustless peanut-butter-and-jelly sandwiches with them in the lunchroom whilst making small talk?
“My best advice for you is never feel bad about being a loser.”
Worth the tuition.
To paraphrase Larry the Cable Guy…I don’t care who you are, that’s some wisdom right there.
I shall henceforth sign all of my electronic communications and tube letters thusly.
One can only assume that if Madame were sufficiently cognizant to read the opinions of humans she would be vexed by the levity her careful instruction produces among the illiterate “working class” masses. She seeks only to teach that which she has mastered, the zen of being an aging, drug addled right wing hack, and yet the one can only watch agape as the common rabble savages her for her egalitarian efforts. No doubt, Madame finds this as an occasion to up her meds since only the sweet song of Morpheus could drown out the hoots and jibes of the proletariat wonkette commenters. For shame, you digital stevedores, perturbing the peace of a refined human being such as Madame, for shame. Without her herculean efforts, from whence shall the next generation of Glenn Becks and Rush Limbaughs spring forth?
You can just listen to her voice and see her wringing her hands in your mind’s eye. The overweening sincerity of Margaret Noonan is a national treasure.
Has she yet taught them the Holy Grail of Journalism. If something offends the senses(ie the GOP), just look away. You know, like those torture investigations.
zhubajie: OMG, seriously? Shut the fuck up.
Wow. She’s definitely got rabies for learnin’
Thank you for that link! I thoroughly enjoyed reading about “The Hipster Grifter.” One of the best lines was from a gentleman who claims to run a “print magazine.” How do you beat this quote?
He suggested people should apply for a job there is they are not operating a “dime-store novel” con game. I nominate “dime-store novel” for a whole new contest: “Instant cliche.”
Peggy volunteered for a top secret military experiment during the Reagan years and got trapped in a rift in the sleep/wake continuum.
scubaix: Question was, as always, “would I hit that”?
greensprout: Too busy this week. Gotta watch America’s Next Top Model and Project Runway.
AnnieGetYourFun: I hope this dude chokes on a fucking rice noodle one day.
“My best advice for you is never feel bad about being a loser.” :-# My life was changed in Pegginton study group/seminar/study hall.