MASSIVE MASSIVE DEATH  8:29 pm October 8, 2009

GAHH!!! The Jesus Painting, Blood Redux

by Jim Newell

Oh my God. Now it’s the Raiders of the Lost Ark Version of this week’s most famous painting. DON’T LOOK! Who made this monstrous thing? No one knows!


Hola wonkerados.

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Dashboard_Buddha October 8, 2009 at 8:33 pm

what, no priest buggering little boys?

chascates October 8, 2009 at 8:34 pm

Jeebus Tapdancing Christ, this is very disturbing! This bodes ill for the moon attack on the morrow.

Dashboard_Buddha October 8, 2009 at 8:34 pm

Need captions

peggynoonansrickshaw October 8, 2009 at 8:37 pm

ah, the “Event Horizon” version. well done.

Click October 8, 2009 at 8:38 pm

Interesting sidenote: Glenn Beck wrote the foreward to the book that fish-headed dude is holding (bottom left corner).

Wugou October 8, 2009 at 8:40 pm

Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn: “In his internets at R’lyeh, Cthulhu wreaks the very death on real amuricans.”

CapnFatback October 8, 2009 at 8:41 pm

Admiral Akbar! You swapped your white uniform for green fatigues! How could you (and, apparently, of your lessers) sell your soul to the darkness?! IT’S A TRAP!!!

Country Club Jihadi October 8, 2009 at 8:42 pm

There was more blood on that elephant birth video I saw on buzzfeed yesterday. Why did Rielle Hunter and baby escape the bloodbath?

voyetra8 October 8, 2009 at 8:46 pm

This is the best thing in the history of the 6000 year old universe.

Dashboard_Buddha October 8, 2009 at 8:48 pm

Did ya notice that amidst the faceless, eye-less, and fish faced abominations, the lawyer is still pretty intact and counting his dough?

President X October 8, 2009 at 8:49 pm

Wow, this is so weird. This is exactly like the tattoo I’ve seen on the bare asses of senators Grassley, Hatch and Lieberman at the D.C.Crew Club!

scubaix October 8, 2009 at 8:52 pm

My fifth-graders’ history class is currently doing a module on the constitution. I think I’m going to ask them to write a compare and contrast essay on the two images.

This job is piss-dull and barely pays for gas anyway.

SwanSwanH October 8, 2009 at 8:52 pm

“Render therefore to Nazgûl the things that are Nazgûl’s, and to John Lithgow the things that are John Lithgow’s.”

blinky_twinkie October 8, 2009 at 8:55 pm

Where is The IMMIGRANT?? Why did Cthulthu Jeezus call La Migra??

blinky_twinkie October 8, 2009 at 8:57 pm

Oh, wait. There he is. Whew! I was so afraid. Ok, I’m going back to my front-row seat wherein I wait for the coming Unstoppable Chinese Moon War.

agentstinky October 8, 2009 at 8:58 pm

Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn! PH’NGLUI MGLW’NAFH CTHULHU R’LYEH WGAH’NAGL FHTAGN!

hobospacejunkie October 8, 2009 at 8:58 pm

Is that Shortround handing a request for comment to the monstrously large & wingeed devil dude? Or perhaps an underworld process server deliveratin’ divorce papers, from the moon.

Hunger Tallest Palin October 8, 2009 at 9:01 pm

With apologies to any pregnant women in the vicinity, the pregnant lady is fricking hilarious.

DoktorZoom October 8, 2009 at 9:01 pm

Jesus Christ it’s a Cthulhu! Get back in the car!

Extemporanus October 8, 2009 at 9:04 pm

The GreatOldOnesParty really was “BYOB”…bucket after unholy bucket of steaming, viscera-strewn “B”!

No wonder he hasn’t commented much today—no one was alive at the end of the night to help with the clean-up.

zhubajie October 8, 2009 at 9:04 pm

I always thought GOP stood for Giant Octopus Party!

Guppy06 October 8, 2009 at 9:05 pm

Best part of the picture: the look on Satan’s face in the lower right.

Johnny Zhivago October 8, 2009 at 9:07 pm

Yeah, when Fox News stops transmitting the mind altering signal we’ll see that all the Republicans look like this.

shadowMark October 8, 2009 at 9:09 pm

…the secret priests would take great Cthulhu from his tomb to revive His subjects and resume his rule of earth….Then mankind would have become as the Great Old Ones; free and wild and beyond good and evil, with laws and morals thrown aside and all men shouting and killing and revelling in joy. Then the liberated Old Ones would teach them new ways to shout and kill and revel and enjoy themselves, and all the earth would flame with a holocaust of ecstasy and freedom.

Cult of Cthulhu

chascates October 8, 2009 at 9:15 pm

[re=430245]shadowMark[/re]: That Old Testament stuff still rings true.

JesusButter October 8, 2009 at 9:16 pm

so accurate, really.

shortsshortsshorts October 8, 2009 at 9:16 pm


thegunner October 8, 2009 at 9:18 pm

I drew this and I love it!also

teh October 8, 2009 at 9:25 pm
imissopus October 8, 2009 at 9:28 pm

Whatever you do Marian, DON’T OPEN YOUR EYES!!1!

S.Luggo October 8, 2009 at 9:28 pm

“Grayson Holds Out The Public Option As The Half-White Boy King It Into Law With Blood Of The 912-ers. Glennda And His Male Bride, Insurance Execs Look Away.”

I believe that I saw that in the Louvre. The Salt Lake City annex.

steve October 8, 2009 at 9:30 pm

This is much better than the original and more historically accurate. The painter deserves an iPhone.

As a side note I used to have dreams that looked like this – usually after drinking mescal and eating peyote but since I stopped drinking I don’t have them so much at least not while I sleep…

dementor October 8, 2009 at 9:31 pm

Such a labor of love. Thank you, Hiero Bosch.

mackensie October 8, 2009 at 9:35 pm

User klaivu on Something Awful made it for a photoshop One Nation Under God thread.

orbit222 October 8, 2009 at 9:36 pm

Wait… how is this different from yesterdays painting? Am I missing something?

S.Luggo October 8, 2009 at 9:38 pm

[re=430253]S.Luggo[/re]: Oh, tickery-tock. “Signs It Into Law”.

S.Luggo October 8, 2009 at 9:43 pm

[re=430260]orbit222[/re]: Needs more Pedo Bear.

Click October 8, 2009 at 9:47 pm

There are subtle differences. Yesterday’s painting was entitled “Our Founding Fathers Who Art in Heaven” while this one is called “The Last Menstruation of Christ.”

SmutBoffin October 8, 2009 at 9:52 pm


Crank Tango October 8, 2009 at 9:55 pm

OK it’s been a while since I was back in the land of polish last names…how does one pronounce this Cthulhu I’ve been hearing so much about these days?

GreatOldOnesParty October 8, 2009 at 9:56 pm

Massive Massive WIN!

AxmxZ October 8, 2009 at 9:57 pm

Next up, the Flying Spaghetti Monster version!

Darkness October 8, 2009 at 9:58 pm

I like this one.

the problem child October 8, 2009 at 10:01 pm

klaivu is a wonkette winner! But I truly hope that shortpacked will not abandon us, now that we have a new demon overlord, who we welcome.

GreatOldOnesParty October 8, 2009 at 10:01 pm

[re=430241]Extemporanus[/re]: One word:

S.Luggo October 8, 2009 at 10:02 pm
Smoke Filled Roommate October 8, 2009 at 10:04 pm

Abraham Lincoln

He was the 16th President of the United States. He led the country through the Civil War and now flings his jejunum around like a lasso.

GreatOldOnesParty October 8, 2009 at 10:06 pm

[re=430275]the problem child[/re]: No shit.
Did a mental institution for the artistically deranged shut down recently?
I, for one, second the welcoming.

schvitzatura October 8, 2009 at 10:12 pm

Schlemiel Schlemazel Miskatonic Incorporated!

chascates October 8, 2009 at 10:13 pm

[re=430277]S.Luggo[/re]: That is way more disgusting than the above.

GeneralLerong October 8, 2009 at 10:19 pm

[re=430277]S.Luggo[/re]: My eyes….my eyes…they’re on the floor somewhere. Damn you.

Eric Cheney October 8, 2009 at 10:21 pm

If he hands out loaves and fishes, tell him you already ate.

PoignancySelz October 8, 2009 at 10:22 pm

Ya know, 9/11 changed everything.

schvitzatura October 8, 2009 at 10:26 pm

sagging gambrel roofs and peaked gables conveyed with offensive clearness the idea of wormy decay

Dick Cheney left the Naval Observatory in such grand condition!

PoignancySelz October 8, 2009 at 10:27 pm

Where the fuck is Shortpacked? Or was he a one and done?
It looks like Trig is safe though….Back to reading “Goodnight Moon”..

drpangloss October 8, 2009 at 10:27 pm

Zoiks! That’s damn funny. IAA! CUThulu!

Joshua Norton October 8, 2009 at 10:28 pm

Wasn’t this a scene from the last “Hellboy” movie? Pretty sure it was.

bitchincamaro October 8, 2009 at 10:28 pm

I’ve tried to warn people about eating too many beets; they don’t listen; this is what happens.

scubaix October 8, 2009 at 10:33 pm

I feel the same not that way at all about Keith Ktachuk.

Or have they gotten to you too?

bitchincamaro October 8, 2009 at 10:39 pm

[re=430266]Click[/re]: Ha and ewwww.

chascates October 8, 2009 at 10:41 pm

You know none of this paintings has that George W. Bush fellow in them.

Kingbee October 8, 2009 at 10:55 pm

Are The Village People in there somewhere?

Chuckie Jesus October 8, 2009 at 10:56 pm

All that’s missing is GWAR.

Jukesgrrl October 8, 2009 at 10:57 pm

The St. Nicholas Croation Catholic Church in Millvale, PA, is painted floor to ceiling with remarkable political murals that this artist might be tripping on. A non-religious communist named Maxo Vanka, an immigrant who was anti-war and anti-capitalist, painted the St. Nicholas murals. The ghastly face on the bottom right of the photos I’ve linked to is a portrait of Richard King Mellon. In the Mellon mural, Vanko shows the banker to robber barons seated at the head of a banquet table groaning with food and Mellon is pushing away poor, hungry souls who are approaching his table. The murals also show Christ ministering to soldiers on a WWI battlefield — unlike today’s Christ who is only interested in consorting with tea-baggers. It’s quite radical for a small town outside Pittsburgh. PBS said of the church, “If it were in Europe, Americans would ride a train for four hours to see it.” That’s your lesson for today, kids.

I’ll try to post a link below (hope it works, since my previous formatting tags have been an epic FAIL).
[a href="url"][/a]

ifthethunderdontgetya" October 8, 2009 at 11:02 pm

[re=430295]chascates[/re]: Au Contraire, Mon Frère (that’s surrendercratese, it’s means “yo knucklehaid”). ALL of the paintings have G.W. Bush in them.


I Am Not Your Gary Busey October 8, 2009 at 11:05 pm

[re=430254]steve[/re]: Or does the painter deserve an “iphone?”

S.Luggo October 8, 2009 at 11:06 pm

[re=430281]chascates[/re]: My objection to “Poker in Hell” is its historical inaccuracy. It hides Reagan’s drool cup, GWB’s coke spoon, and Nixon’s ankle-monitor.

GreatOldOnesParty October 8, 2009 at 11:08 pm
Flanders October 8, 2009 at 11:17 pm

I’m speechless.

GeneralLerong October 8, 2009 at 11:17 pm

[re=430300]Jukesgrrl[/re]: Holy cow. Were I a mere four hours away via something, I’d go visit this very weekend. Sincere piety and and outrage always slap me upside the head and make me feel like a total candyass.

Crank Tango October 8, 2009 at 11:17 pm

today, we all have GWB in us. It’s still leaking out, to this day.


GeneralLerong October 8, 2009 at 11:22 pm

[re=430307]GreatOldOnesParty[/re]: We’re not worthy. [grovelling in gratitude for the eyeball relief]

lulzmonger October 8, 2009 at 11:25 pm


It’s … it’s so beautiful … I think I came a little.

[re=430300]Jukesgrrl[/re]: L33t h@XX0r fail – but at least the address is right there for folks to cut&paste if they’re interested. Next time try putting the Intertubes address after the “a href=” dingus & see if that works … different sites have varying format quirks depending on which warez they use & you’re not alone in cursing their pathological idiosyncrasy.

GreatOldOnesParty October 8, 2009 at 11:34 pm

had to redo it b/c Blingee kept fucking up Reagan’s sunglasses….

S.Luggo October 8, 2009 at 11:36 pm

[re=430307]GreatOldOnesParty[/re]: Spit take!

Neilist October 8, 2009 at 11:43 pm

I speak only for myself (as usual).

But for me, THAT’s a Jesus H. Christ that I CAN believe in.

(Isn’t that Gov. Palin the back. Worshipping Him?)

shadowMark October 8, 2009 at 11:57 pm

The original was I think an oil painting. Then we had (my favorite) the acrylic Jesus with the dinosaur. Now this. Does anyone recognize how this was created, the medium? Is this a Photoshop version of the original oil?

S.Luggo October 8, 2009 at 11:59 pm

Post script: If genius is pain, then you must have suffered mightily to make that Blingee.

By the bye:

Correct me if I’m wrong, but at the left edge of your Blingee, could that be, oh, you know …. what’s her face, … (thinking) … rhymes with the name of a certain Arizona U.S. senator’s daughter? Schmegan?

Prolly not. Too un-Reubens in proportions. More likely one of Warren Harding’s lady “associates“, whom he met at an Akron Methodist bridge club before he died of syphilis.

Downtheroadapiece October 9, 2009 at 12:00 am

[re=430279]GreatOldOnesParty[/re]: Well thanks to the Reagan admin, there were many cuts in mental health care. Oh the cycle is perverse.

barneyfunk October 9, 2009 at 12:06 am

I think it’s important to point out that George Washington is bleeding menstrual fluid.

S.Luggo October 9, 2009 at 12:08 am

[re=430323]shadowMark[/re]: It was made by using the blood innocents, U-236 spun in an Iranian centrifuge, and our freedoms.

GreatOldOnesParty October 9, 2009 at 12:09 am

[re=430325]S.Luggo[/re]: naw. She’s just some 2D strumpet grinding her ass against HW.

GeneralLerong October 9, 2009 at 12:09 am

[re=430317]GreatOldOnesParty[/re]: If only…if only it were Sarah Palin wearing red glitter horns as the party girl on the left…is that too much to ask of Blingee?

Yep, grovelling with admiration one minute, dusting self off and demanding more the next.

CapnFatback October 9, 2009 at 12:12 am

[re=430251]teh[/re]: Best. Animated. Gif. Evah. I believe Mr. Piper is all out of bubble gum.

Liebestod October 9, 2009 at 12:15 am

jeez. take it easy. one more day til Saturday. Perhaps you can bring this painting to work tomorrow.. see if your boss will give you a half day off, howz dat.

V572625694 October 9, 2009 at 12:23 am

Very nice, but could use some alt-text to explain it to the uninitiated.

But honestly, this is the finest work of art ever made by mankind.

hobospacejunkie October 9, 2009 at 12:41 am

[re=430300]Jukesgrrl[/re]: Use them sideways carets () instead of brackets for your Wonkett html. Wordpress does things a little differently.

hobospacejunkie October 9, 2009 at 12:50 am

[re=430300]Jukesgrrl[/re]: Oh goddammit, those sideways carets disappeared in the parentheses. Let’s see what hards. They are the symbols that appear when you hold the SHIFT key down while pressing the comma (open sideways caret) & period (close sideways caret.)

Aquannissiwamissoo October 9, 2009 at 12:54 am

Is this a live feed from C-Span 2?

El Pinche October 9, 2009 at 1:42 am

Lincoln is offering his lower intestine to all skoalpatriots.

If I had the time, I’d make a version of the painting where everyone has a face of a Fox Friend. Doocy, Carlson, Kilmeade..etc. Just looking at it would make you produce a soft and warm shard.

El Pinche October 9, 2009 at 1:49 am

[re=430251]teh[/re]: holyshit, that is awesome. Take a look , put em on!!

shadowMark October 9, 2009 at 2:15 am

[re=430340]hobospacejunkie[/re]: Yeah, I tried a post before showing Jukesgrrl the broken brackets and I tried using the decimal code alternate notation for broken brackets and my post didn’t even get posted.

The less-than and greater-than symbols are annoying in html editors with a preview function.

I wonder if we can post _almost_ correct broken brackets?

Here is a link:

St. Nicholas Croation Catholic Church in Millvale, PA

And here it is illustrating _almost_ exactly the way it should be formatted but using variants of the less than and greater than symbols:

≤a href=””≥ St. Nicholas Croation Catholic Church in Millvale, PA≤/a≥

edgydrifter October 9, 2009 at 2:16 am

Naked ladies aside, this is hands-down the greatest visual feast mine eyes hath ever beheldest’d. Ia! Ia!

hobospacejunkie October 9, 2009 at 2:33 am

And, uh, back on topic: upon further review, this work of art is the most awesome fucking thing in the history of my experience with Wonkett. Along with shortpacked’s contribution last night, which probably took a lot more work, but this thing, with McCain & that woman tearing he ears/face/skin off, Lincoln holding his bowels, the court justice’s bleeding eye sockets. This has it all. A true masterpiece. I bow in homage & awe.

bago October 9, 2009 at 3:53 am

Tell everyone to go to w3schools and learn xhtml.

Extemporanus October 9, 2009 at 4:04 am

BEHOLD! Klaivu the Desecrator has unleashed an improved, higher-res version (3200 x 2160):

Get the jpeg HERE [hover over image, go to "download" tab, select "high res image"]

Or the tiff HERE [file download site that's borderline NSFW]

slinkimalinki October 9, 2009 at 4:17 am

Jukesgrrl October 9, 2009 at 4:24 am

[re=430340]hobospacejunkie[/re]: [re=430352]shadowMark[/re]: I know! I did it both ways. Carets AND brackets. Neither works. But whatever shadowMark did works. Go figure. I’ll try the shift key next time. Thanks. And thank heaven and communism that Maxo Vanka didn’t have to deal with HTML; the St. Nicholas Church is off the chain.

[re=430310]GeneralLerong[/re]: “Sincere piety and and outrage…” You got it — and you didn’t even see it yet!

LowerdPeninsula October 9, 2009 at 4:52 am

[re=430225]Dashboard_Buddha[/re]: “Did ya notice that amidst the faceless, eye-less, and fish faced abominations, the lawyer is still pretty intact and counting his dough?”

I don’t know, man. It looks like dude’s counting his internal organs.

NYNYNY October 9, 2009 at 5:36 am

Painting now has a title: ” Barack Obama Wins Nobel Peace Prize”. All is explained.

Smoke Filled Roommate October 9, 2009 at 5:38 am

[re=430367]slinkimalinki[/re]: speechless?

Come here a minute October 9, 2009 at 5:55 am

The kitch-art revival alone was Nobel Peace Prize-worthy.

Servo October 9, 2009 at 6:13 am

Thomas Kinkaid has finally snapped.

Lazy Media October 9, 2009 at 6:45 am


Sorry, my inner zombie got really hungry, looking at that painting.

the problem child October 9, 2009 at 7:21 am

No shit, pre-emptive strike on the Nobel Peace Prize. The committee must have been optimistic that we are now bombing the moon instead of each other.

One Yield Regular October 9, 2009 at 7:22 am

Stunningly, awesomely fabulous. This should be made the centerpiece work of the National Gallery.

ifthethunderdontgetya" October 9, 2009 at 7:35 am

[re=430373]NYNYNY[/re]: If you thought the wingnuts went crazy over the Olympics…

This is gonna be GREAT!

InKnockYouUs October 9, 2009 at 8:00 am

*does a little Nobel prize dance* C’mon Wonkette, WAKE UP!

Yellow Cake October 9, 2009 at 8:05 am

This is what Washington is going to look like after the Gays’ protest march this weekend.

TGY October 9, 2009 at 8:12 am

I’ve never been able to say ‘fhtagn’ with a straight face, or at least without swallowing my tongue.

teebob2000 October 9, 2009 at 8:22 am

Where’s the alt-text? I don’t understand it.

graysong October 9, 2009 at 8:23 am

Finally, an image worthy of my desktop.

Mr. Tusks October 9, 2009 at 8:38 am


Liz Becton October 9, 2009 at 8:38 am

Ia ia, Cthulhu f’taghn! THE STARS ARE RIGHT.

stanpan October 9, 2009 at 8:42 am

Looks like some ‘splodin heads over that Peace Prize.

house of the blue lights October 9, 2009 at 8:48 am

[re=430300]Jukesgrrl[/re]: Link doesn’t work, but cut-and-paste gets you there.

nailsinthecoffin October 9, 2009 at 8:54 am

[re=430244]Johnny Zhivago[/re]: I just put on my special sunglasses and they already are. Now if you will excuse me I have to go and beat up Roddy Piper in an alley somewhere.

nailsinthecoffin October 9, 2009 at 9:01 am

Also, i like the fact that the only face not changed in this image is, of course, Satan.


Flanders October 9, 2009 at 9:21 am

[re=430287]PoignancySelz[/re]: Shortpacked is resting comfortably after recovering from his/her artistic orgasm of earlier this week.

Come here a minute October 9, 2009 at 9:29 am

[re=430457]Flanders[/re]: 12 hours?

A Better American Than You! October 9, 2009 at 9:31 am

So much for the bullshit about the Nobel Prize committee saying that American art is stagnant and isolated. That is what I call ART!

Flanders October 9, 2009 at 9:35 am

Looks like the artist must be from Louisiana.
/thanks, Wiki.

Barrelhse October 9, 2009 at 9:39 am

[re=430242]zhubajie[/re]: Giant Octopus Pussy

PrairiePossum October 9, 2009 at 9:57 am

I’m printing 200 copies of that image and sending it as my Christmas card.

kapish October 9, 2009 at 10:05 am

Where are John, Paul, and Ringo?

MARCdMan October 9, 2009 at 10:06 am

[re=430235]agentstinky[/re]: yeah, what he said.

Shortpacked October 9, 2009 at 10:17 am

I think this guy wins.

Sharkey October 9, 2009 at 10:31 am

This is just a screenshot from the new computer game Doomenstein’s of War 3000: Grand Theft Ark-o. Grow up sheeple.

Flanders October 9, 2009 at 10:42 am

[re=430328]barneyfunk[/re]: So messy!

Mr Blifil October 9, 2009 at 11:07 am

[re=430535]Shortpacked[/re]: Perhaps. But I regard him as Newton to your Galileo.

Flanders October 9, 2009 at 11:11 am

[re=430535]Shortpacked[/re]: No way. Don’t even say that, honey. You provided explanatory commmentary, this guy – whoever he is – has total mouseover FAIL.

ServiceJervixJuice October 9, 2009 at 11:37 am

[re=430535]Shortpacked[/re]: Both efforts are fully packed with merit, making this a great week, and plastering a long lasting smile on my sad
mug. You two should share a Pulitzer or a Grammy, or someone’s granny or something…

Catholics4Condoms October 9, 2009 at 12:15 pm

The sash stil has hebrew writting on it. Anybody who has the higher resolution and knows Hebrew know what it says? Is it still “Happy the nation who has chosen for their god the Lord.”? Of course that might mean something else when on a sash worn by Lord Cthulhu.

Benny October 9, 2009 at 12:43 pm

Call Dave Mustaine! This would make a bad-ass Megadeth album cover!

american mutt October 9, 2009 at 12:45 pm

*Nodding in approval

bkrangel October 9, 2009 at 1:59 pm

That is not dead,
Which can eternal lie,
And with strange aeons,
Even death may die

Bearbloke October 9, 2009 at 3:02 pm

[re=430251]teh[/re]: WIN!

Lets Go Vertigo October 9, 2009 at 4:14 pm

[re=430269]Crank Tango[/re]: Kuh-thoo-loo

tuesday October 9, 2009 at 8:05 pm

This is by the same guy, McNaughton. Sez so in the bottom right corner. Go figure.

aubonpaine October 9, 2009 at 9:03 pm

So is that Gog or Magog?

PoignancySelz October 10, 2009 at 12:04 am

[re=430535]Shortpacked[/re]: Stop being self-deprecating here…to paraphrase you, “just fix it!”, and make our weekend.
I hope you’re enjoying your new prize.

Shortpacked October 10, 2009 at 9:16 am

Salt Lake City’s CBS station interviewed me about being “a little bit edgy” and made me feel better.

naveed October 12, 2009 at 10:09 pm



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