Wonkette
Oh my God. Now it’s the Raiders of the Lost Ark Version of this week’s most famous painting. DON’T LOOK! Who made this monstrous thing? No one knows!
MASSIVE MASSIVE DEATH
GAHH!!! The Jesus Painting, Blood Redux
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8:29 PM
on Thu October 8 2009
By
Jim Newell
9623 Views
what, no priest buggering little boys?
Jeebus Tapdancing Christ, this is very disturbing! This bodes ill for the moon attack on the morrow.
Need captions
ah, the “Event Horizon” version. well done.
Interesting sidenote: Glenn Beck wrote the foreward to the book that fish-headed dude is holding (bottom left corner).
Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn: “In his internets at R’lyeh, Cthulhu wreaks the very death on real amuricans.”
Admiral Akbar! You swapped your white uniform for green fatigues! How could you (and, apparently, of your lessers) sell your soul to the darkness?! IT’S A TRAP!!!
There was more blood on that elephant birth video I saw on buzzfeed yesterday. Why did Rielle Hunter and baby escape the bloodbath?
This is the best thing in the history of the 6000 year old universe.
Did ya notice that amidst the faceless, eye-less, and fish faced abominations, the lawyer is still pretty intact and counting his dough?
Wow, this is so weird. This is exactly like the tattoo I’ve seen on the bare asses of senators Grassley, Hatch and Lieberman at the D.C.Crew Club!
http://www.crewclub.net/
My fifth-graders’ history class is currently doing a module on the constitution. I think I’m going to ask them to write a compare and contrast essay on the two images.
This job is piss-dull and barely pays for gas anyway.
“Render therefore to Nazgûl the things that are Nazgûl’s, and to John Lithgow the things that are John Lithgow’s.”
Where is The IMMIGRANT?? Why did Cthulthu Jeezus call La Migra??
Oh, wait. There he is. Whew! I was so afraid. Ok, I’m going back to my front-row seat wherein I wait for the coming Unstoppable Chinese Moon War.
Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn! PH’NGLUI MGLW’NAFH CTHULHU R’LYEH WGAH’NAGL FHTAGN!
Is that Shortround handing a request for comment to the monstrously large & wingeed devil dude? Or perhaps an underworld process server deliveratin’ divorce papers, from the moon.
With apologies to any pregnant women in the vicinity, the pregnant lady is fricking hilarious.
Jesus Christ it’s a Cthulhu! Get back in the car!
The GreatOldOnesParty really was “BYOB”…bucket after unholy bucket of steaming, viscera-strewn “B”!
No wonder he hasn’t commented much today—no one was alive at the end of the night to help with the clean-up.
I always thought GOP stood for Giant Octopus Party!
Best part of the picture: the look on Satan’s face in the lower right.
Yeah, when Fox News stops transmitting the mind altering signal we’ll see that all the Republicans look like this.
…the secret priests would take great Cthulhu from his tomb to revive His subjects and resume his rule of earth….Then mankind would have become as the Great Old Ones; free and wild and beyond good and evil, with laws and morals thrown aside and all men shouting and killing and revelling in joy. Then the liberated Old Ones would teach them new ways to shout and kill and revel and enjoy themselves, and all the earth would flame with a holocaust of ecstasy and freedom.
– Cult of Cthulhu
shadowMark: That Old Testament stuff still rings true.
so accurate, really.
HE IS RISEN.
I drew this and I love it!also
http://imgur.com/GEoWB.gif
Whatever you do Marian, DON’T OPEN YOUR EYES!!1!
“Grayson Holds Out The Public Option As The Half-White Boy King It Into Law With Blood Of The 912-ers. Glennda And His Male Bride, Insurance Execs Look Away.”
I believe that I saw that in the Louvre. The Salt Lake City annex.
This is much better than the original and more historically accurate. The painter deserves an iPhone.
As a side note I used to have dreams that looked like this - usually after drinking mescal and eating peyote but since I stopped drinking I don’t have them so much at least not while I sleep…
Such a labor of love. Thank you, Hiero Bosch.
User klaivu on Something Awful made it for a photoshop One Nation Under God thread.
http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3211382&userid=0&perpage=40&pagenumber=5
Wait… how is this different from yesterdays painting? Am I missing something?
S.Luggo: Oh, tickery-tock. “Signs It Into Law”.
orbit222: Needs more Pedo Bear.
There are subtle differences. Yesterday’s painting was entitled “Our Founding Fathers Who Art in Heaven” while this one is called “The Last Menstruation of Christ.”
THIS SHOULD BE THE COVER OF A MEGADETH/SLAYER SPLIT IT IS THAT METAL
OK it’s been a while since I was back in the land of polish last names…how does one pronounce this Cthulhu I’ve been hearing so much about these days?
Massive Massive WIN!
Next up, the Flying Spaghetti Monster version!
I like this one.
klaivu is a wonkette winner! But I truly hope that shortpacked will not abandon us, now that we have a new demon overlord, who we welcome.
Extemporanus: One word:
Swiffer.
Better: McNaughton’s “Poker Game in Hell”
http://www.thekingsgallery.com/communities/4/004/005/319/644/images/4521101364.jpg
Abraham Lincoln
He was the 16th President of the United States. He led the country through the Civil War and now flings his jejunum around like a lasso.
the problem child: No shit.
Did a mental institution for the artistically deranged shut down recently?
I, for one, second the welcoming.
Schlemiel Schlemazel Miskatonic Incorporated!
S.Luggo: That is way more disgusting than the above.
S.Luggo: My eyes….my eyes…they’re on the floor somewhere. Damn you.
If he hands out loaves and fishes, tell him you already ate.
Ya know, 9/11 changed everything.
sagging gambrel roofs and peaked gables conveyed with offensive clearness the idea of wormy decay
Dick Cheney left the Naval Observatory in such grand condition!
Where the fuck is Shortpacked? Or was he a one and done?
It looks like Trig is safe though….Back to reading “Goodnight Moon”..
Zoiks! That’s damn funny. IAA! CUThulu!
Wasn’t this a scene from the last “Hellboy” movie? Pretty sure it was.
I’ve tried to warn people about eating too many beets; they don’t listen; this is what happens.
I feel the same not that way at all about Keith Ktachuk.
Or have they gotten to you too?
Click: Ha and ewwww.
You know none of this paintings has that George W. Bush fellow in them.
Are The Village People in there somewhere?
All that’s missing is GWAR.
The St. Nicholas Croation Catholic Church in Millvale, PA, is painted floor to ceiling with remarkable political murals that this artist might be tripping on. A non-religious communist named Maxo Vanka, an immigrant who was anti-war and anti-capitalist, painted the St. Nicholas murals. The ghastly face on the bottom right of the photos I’ve linked to is a portrait of Richard King Mellon. In the Mellon mural, Vanko shows the banker to robber barons seated at the head of a banquet table groaning with food and Mellon is pushing away poor, hungry souls who are approaching his table. The murals also show Christ ministering to soldiers on a WWI battlefield — unlike today’s Christ who is only interested in consorting with tea-baggers. It’s quite radical for a small town outside Pittsburgh. PBS said of the church, “If it were in Europe, Americans would ride a train for four hours to see it.” That’s your lesson for today, kids.
I’ll try to post a link below (hope it works, since my previous formatting tags have been an epic FAIL).
http://www.vankamurals.org/millvale_murals/index.html
[a href="url"]http://www.vankamurals.org/millvale_murals/index.html[/a]
chascates: Au Contraire, Mon Frère (that’s surrendercratese, it’s means “yo knucklehaid”). ALL of the paintings have G.W. Bush in them.
IN THEM.
~
steve: Or does the painter deserve an “iphone?”
chascates: My objection to “Poker in Hell” is its historical inaccuracy. It hides Reagan’s drool cup, GWB’s coke spoon, and Nixon’s ankle-monitor.
S.Luggo:
What fresh hell is this?!
http://blingee.com/blingee/view/100264567-That-my-fellow-Americans-is-how-we-roll-up-in-here-
I’m speechless.
Jukesgrrl: Holy cow. Were I a mere four hours away via something, I’d go visit this very weekend. Sincere piety and and outrage always slap me upside the head and make me feel like a total candyass.
today, we all have GWB in us. It’s still leaking out, to this day.
Messy!
GreatOldOnesParty: We’re not worthy. [grovelling in gratitude for the eyeball relief]
OMGWTFBBQAWOL!
It’s … it’s so beautiful … I think I came a little.
Jukesgrrl: L33t h@XX0r fail - but at least the address is right there for folks to cut&paste if they’re interested. Next time try putting the Intertubes address after the “a href=” dingus & see if that works … different sites have varying format quirks depending on which warez they use & you’re not alone in cursing their pathological idiosyncrasy.
had to redo it b/c Blingee kept fucking up Reagan’s sunglasses….
http://blingee.com/blingee/view/100265299-And-that-my-fellow-Americans-is-how-we-roll-up-in-here-2
GreatOldOnesParty: Spit take!
I speak only for myself (as usual).
But for me, THAT’s a Jesus H. Christ that I CAN believe in.
(Isn’t that Gov. Palin the back. Worshipping Him?)
The original was I think an oil painting. Then we had (my favorite) the acrylic Jesus with the dinosaur. Now this. Does anyone recognize how this was created, the medium? Is this a Photoshop version of the original oil?
GreatOldOnesParty:
Post script: If genius is pain, then you must have suffered mightily to make that Blingee.
By the bye:
Correct me if I’m wrong, but at the left edge of your Blingee, could that be, oh, you know …. what’s her face, … (thinking) … rhymes with the name of a certain Arizona U.S. senator’s daughter? Schmegan?
Prolly not. Too un-Reubens in proportions. More likely one of Warren Harding’s lady “associates“, whom he met at an Akron Methodist bridge club before he died of syphilis.
GreatOldOnesParty: Well thanks to the Reagan admin, there were many cuts in mental health care. Oh the cycle is perverse.
I think it’s important to point out that George Washington is bleeding menstrual fluid.
shadowMark: It was made by using the blood innocents, U-236 spun in an Iranian centrifuge, and our freedoms.
S.Luggo: naw. She’s just some 2D strumpet grinding her ass against HW.
GreatOldOnesParty: If only…if only it were Sarah Palin wearing red glitter horns as the party girl on the left…is that too much to ask of Blingee?
Yep, grovelling with admiration one minute, dusting self off and demanding more the next.
teh: Best. Animated. Gif. Evah. I believe Mr. Piper is all out of bubble gum.
jeez. take it easy. one more day til Saturday. Perhaps you can bring this painting to work tomorrow.. see if your boss will give you a half day off, howz dat.
Very nice, but could use some alt-text to explain it to the uninitiated.
But honestly, this is the finest work of art ever made by mankind.
Jukesgrrl: Use them sideways carets () instead of brackets for your Wonkett html. Wordpress does things a little differently.
Jukesgrrl: Oh goddammit, those sideways carets disappeared in the parentheses. Let’s see what hards. They are the symbols that appear when you hold the SHIFT key down while pressing the comma (open sideways caret) & period (close sideways caret.)
Is this a live feed from C-Span 2?
Lincoln is offering his lower intestine to all skoalpatriots.
If I had the time, I’d make a version of the painting where everyone has a face of a Fox Friend. Doocy, Carlson, Kilmeade..etc. Just looking at it would make you produce a soft and warm shard.
teh: holyshit, that is awesome. Take a look , put em on!!
hobospacejunkie: Yeah, I tried a post before showing Jukesgrrl the broken brackets and I tried using the decimal code alternate notation for broken brackets and my post didn’t even get posted.
The less-than and greater-than symbols are annoying in html editors with a preview function.
I wonder if we can post _almost_ correct broken brackets?
Here is a link:
St. Nicholas Croation Catholic Church in Millvale, PA
And here it is illustrating _almost_ exactly the way it should be formatted but using variants of the less than and greater than symbols:
≤a href=”http://www.vankamurals.org/millvale_murals/index.html”≥ St. Nicholas Croation Catholic Church in Millvale, PA≤/a≥
Naked ladies aside, this is hands-down the greatest visual feast mine eyes hath ever beheldest’d. Ia! Ia!
And, uh, back on topic: upon further review, this work of art is the most awesome fucking thing in the history of my experience with Wonkett. Along with shortpacked’s contribution last night, which probably took a lot more work, but this thing, with McCain & that woman tearing he ears/face/skin off, Lincoln holding his bowels, the court justice’s bleeding eye sockets. This has it all. A true masterpiece. I bow in homage & awe.
Tell everyone to go to w3schools and learn xhtml.
BEHOLD! Klaivu the Desecrator has unleashed an improved, higher-res version (3200 x 2160):
Get the jpeg HERE [hover over image, go to "download" tab, select "high res image"]
Or the tiff HERE [file download site that's borderline NSFW]
hobospacejunkie: shadowMark: I know! I did it both ways. Carets AND brackets. Neither works. But whatever shadowMark did works. Go figure. I’ll try the shift key next time. Thanks. And thank heaven and communism that Maxo Vanka didn’t have to deal with HTML; the St. Nicholas Church is off the chain.
GeneralLerong: “Sincere piety and and outrage…” You got it — and you didn’t even see it yet!
Dashboard_Buddha: “Did ya notice that amidst the faceless, eye-less, and fish faced abominations, the lawyer is still pretty intact and counting his dough?”
I don’t know, man. It looks like dude’s counting his internal organs.
Painting now has a title: ” Barack Obama Wins Nobel Peace Prize”. All is explained.
slinkimalinki: speechless?
The kitch-art revival alone was Nobel Peace Prize-worthy.
Thomas Kinkaid has finally snapped.
BRRRAAIIIINNNNNSSSS!!!!!
Sorry, my inner zombie got really hungry, looking at that painting.
No shit, pre-emptive strike on the Nobel Peace Prize. The committee must have been optimistic that we are now bombing the moon instead of each other.
Stunningly, awesomely fabulous. This should be made the centerpiece work of the National Gallery.
NYNYNY: If you thought the wingnuts went crazy over the Olympics…
This is gonna be GREAT!
/flounder
~
*does a little Nobel prize dance* C’mon Wonkette, WAKE UP!
This is what Washington is going to look like after the Gays’ protest march this weekend.
I’ve never been able to say ‘fhtagn’ with a straight face, or at least without swallowing my tongue.
Where’s the alt-text? I don’t understand it.
Finally, an image worthy of my desktop.
BARRY WON THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE TAKE THAT DUBYA
Ia ia, Cthulhu f’taghn! THE STARS ARE RIGHT.
Looks like some ’splodin heads over that Peace Prize.
Jukesgrrl: Link doesn’t work, but cut-and-paste gets you there.
Johnny Zhivago: I just put on my special sunglasses and they already are. Now if you will excuse me I have to go and beat up Roddy Piper in an alley somewhere.
Also, i like the fact that the only face not changed in this image is, of course, Satan.
Ha!
PoignancySelz: Shortpacked is resting comfortably after recovering from his/her artistic orgasm of earlier this week.
Flanders: 12 hours?
So much for the bullshit about the Nobel Prize committee saying that American art is stagnant and isolated. That is what I call ART!
Looks like the artist must be from Louisiana.
/thanks, Wiki.
zhubajie: Giant Octopus Pussy
I’m printing 200 copies of that image and sending it as my Christmas card.
Where are John, Paul, and Ringo?
agentstinky: yeah, what he said.
I think this guy wins.
This is just a screenshot from the new computer game Doomenstein’s of War 3000: Grand Theft Ark-o. Grow up sheeple.
barneyfunk: So messy!
Shortpacked: Perhaps. But I regard him as Newton to your Galileo.
Shortpacked: No way. Don’t even say that, honey. You provided explanatory commmentary, this guy - whoever he is - has total mouseover FAIL.
Shortpacked: Both efforts are fully packed with merit, making this a great week, and plastering a long lasting smile on my sad
mug. You two should share a Pulitzer or a Grammy, or someone’s granny or something…
The sash stil has hebrew writting on it. Anybody who has the higher resolution and knows Hebrew know what it says? Is it still “Happy the nation who has chosen for their god the Lord.”? Of course that might mean something else when on a sash worn by Lord Cthulhu.
Call Dave Mustaine! This would make a bad-ass Megadeth album cover!
*Nodding in approval
That is not dead,
Which can eternal lie,
And with strange aeons,
Even death may die
teh: WIN!
Crank Tango: Kuh-thoo-loo
This is by the same guy, McNaughton. Sez so in the bottom right corner. Go figure.
So is that Gog or Magog?
Shortpacked: Stop being self-deprecating here…to paraphrase you, “just fix it!”, and make our weekend.
I hope you’re enjoying your new prize.
Salt Lake City’s CBS station interviewed me about being “a little bit edgy” and made me feel better.
http://connect2utah.com/content/news/story?cid=56081
Z҉A҉L҉G҉O̚̕̚
HE COMES!