Tonight Is The Moon’s Last Night On Earth!!

  important reminders

HEY YOU GUYS: Please DO NOT FORGET to say “goodbye forever” to the moon tonight. Tomorrow at like six in the morning NASA will bomb it to death. Recall the moon’s distinguished history: It has orbited around our planet, America, for the last ~2009 years, when Jesus Christ gifted all the celestial bodies, which he wrapped with the Constitution, to Thomas Jefferson & Ronald Reagan in Center City. Since then it has been everyone’s favorite. The moon shares nothing. It is a sea.

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About the author

Juli Weiner was Wonkette's beloved intern and books columnist and then morning editor until she was hired away by Vanity Fair in 2010.

View all articles by Juli Weiner

Hola wonkerados.

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85 comments

  1. chascates

    The Founders put absolutely nothing in the Constitution about the Moon. It is probably French.

  2. SayItWithWookies

    The moon’s had it coming. It’s hiding something on that far side, and frankly, in this time of great danger and uncertainty, that’s simply unacceptable.

  3. ManchuCandidate

    For years, the Moon has taunted the increasingly obese, functionally illiterate US Americas by staying up there in the night sky. It made a mockery of the Flat earth society. Forcing the “Good” Germans to design/build rockets that would punch it in the face rather than the more useful purpose of blowing up Rooshins and my Asian cousins.

    Now that day has come where the real power in the US America swore revenge, plus all the pain from those lousy Ann Rice novels and Twilight movies. So long you grey pizza pie. Hope you burn in hell.

  4. OzoneTom

    Oh noooo! Maybe the same thing will happen as what occurred in “The Time Machine”.

    And I’m not quite done building my time macheen so won’t be able to get away from the large fragments of green cheese that will be pummeling the surface of the globe.

  5. Gopherit

    Space 1999 came 10 years late.

    Fuckin’ moon is useless anyway. Who needs tides? Lame parlor trick, if you ask me.

  6. steve

    Frankly, its about time as it’s one of the biggest contributors to light polution, other than people and fireflys and now we’ll finally get a clear unobstructed view of what’s really out there.

  7. Pithaughn

    My little secret, me and the deer sometimes take a break on the far side of the moon. Nice and quiet, no pesky large rocky planets to clutter the sky. I do hope the spacemans can leave some milk and cookies though, someday.

  8. proudgrampa

    Why are we attacking the moon?? Are there Weapons of Mass Destruction there? Does Al Qaeda have a cave near the Sea of Tranquility? I tell you, nothing good is going to come from this. The moon people probably have a secret defense treaty with the Iranians or something.

  9. SmutBoffin

    Many poets, thinkers, and drunks have gazed at the Moon throughout history, wondering “Could we blow that fucker up? I mean, there it is, a symbol of something unattainable or whatever and IT PISSES ME OFF. Won’t somebody just put it out of OUR misery, cuz it’s way lame?” These dreams can now be realized, through bomb-science.

    I’d say that you should liveblog this shit, but I’m not about to ask anybody to get up at the butt-crack of dawn to do it. Well, maybe Riley.

  10. AbstinenceOnly Ed

    Damn! I thought they were finally euthanizing that kookoo cult leader Reverend Moon. Or at least that his personal diaper, the Washington Times, was finally folding like the hate-filled, man-eating venus fly trap that it is.

  11. Accordion-o-rama

    In a great big boom
    There was a rocket
    With a hot red flume
    And a picture of

    A socialist goon

    And there were three talking heads
    Screaming like loons

    And there was a Wasilla tard
    Showing his nards.

    Goodnight tard
    Goodnight nards

    Goodnight heads
    Goodnight goon

    Goodnight moon

  12. southerngeek

    The muslins would have surrendered years ago if we’d thought of crashing spaceships into them earlier.

  13. Dave J.

    [re=430072]OzoneTom[/re]: Holy shit, I can’t believe you wrote that! You saw “Time Machine”???

  14. AxmxZ

    Wallace Stevens aside, here’s something someone else said about the Moon. On the internet.

    ———-

    ‘So Nature’s like “Yeah, there’s big beautiful orb of mystery right next to you but you can’t get here.”

    And we’re all “We’re going to make it a symbol for all our hopes and dreams, then spend a thousand years on math so we can build some goddamn rockets.”

    And Nature’s like “There’s like no air or anything between here and there. It’s dangerous, you’ll die.”

    So we’re all “We invented spacesuits. We’ll test it on patriotic chimps until we get it right. We’ll invent clothing we can pee in just to get there.”

    So Nature’s like “Okay, you made it. There’s nothing here.”

    And we’re all “Fuck you. We brought golf.”‘

  15. shadowMark

    Not only have the Japanese done this before us, but fucking Europe did this before us. So, yeah, we’re doing the Moon, but it’s not even sloppy seconds, it’s sloppy thirds. The Moon will, like, let anyone “bomb” her:

    … Smart-1 kicked off a fresh round of manmade lunar impacts on Sept. 3, 2006, but this time left Europe’s calling card for the moon. The orbiter went out with a bang to provide a show for watchful astronomers back on Earth, and also created a crater estimated between 16 feet and 33 feet across.

    Kaguya struck the near side of the moon on June 10, 2009, at the end of life for Japan’s first lunar orbiter. Earth observers spotted the flash of the impact, and scientists had hoped to examine debris kicked up by the event. Kaguya (also known as SELENE) deliberately aimed for a cratered highland area of the moon where Europe’s Smart 1 had crashed in 2006.

    Doomed Space Missions: A Rich History of Planned Destruction

  16. Jerri

    So we’re just acting out Mr. Show sketches now? Well, okay then. Can we do the Philouza one next? Those mustaches crack me up and I could go for a phosphate.

  17. Extemporanus

    Like many here, I will also miss the Moon, but this is unfortunately the only course of action that will ensure that the Genesis Device doesn’t fall into the hands of ruthless terrorists like Osama bin Kahn Noonien Singh.

  18. V572625694

    [re=430111]Extemporanus[/re]: [re=430081]proudgrampa[/re]: I have no evidence that the Moon is not being used as a safe haven for weapons of mass destruction, Osama Bin Laden, Judge Crater or Jimmy Hoffa. Therefore: bombs away!

  19. jasper f. krone

    In one of the T-Zero stories, Calvino’s narrator describes the time when his ancestors were able to access the moon from a ladder (the good old days). They should have surveyed for water then; the ladder would have cost less than $79B.

    what you call it when you look at the sky in a poetic kind of way?
    you know, when you grope for luna?

  20. Snarkalicious

    [re=430103]shadowMark[/re]: Yeah but none a them furners ever did the shit twice at once. WOOO! US MURCA!

  21. taylormattd

    Who remembers the introduction of the cartoon, Thundar the Barbarian? That’s what going to happen to the Earth after the Moon splits in half.

  22. Rutherfraud B. Hayes

    This is how we tie conspiracies together:

    1) Flying Space Polar Bears will destroy the moon, a city in Alaska (sadly, not Wasilla) and a collegiate sports arena if left unchecked, according to the following video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O5YjPteCPLo

    2) Global Warming is a coordinated attempt to stop the polar bears before this is allowed to happen

    3) Global Warming is not quick enough

    4) WE MUST NUKE THE MOON TO SPITE THE SPACE POLAR BEARS

    QED

  23. Extemporanus

    [re=430125]Uncle Joe[/re]: LONG LIVE THE BUNNYMEN!

    lonngg…liivve…thhe…buunnnnymmennn…

  24. El Pinche

    [re=430127]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: you lucky my name aint buzz aldrin, or i break-ahh you face-ahh

  25. PoignancySelz

    Not to invoke my nom de guerre,
    but I kinda liked that book when my spawns was young.
    Cause I’m telling you “the Giving Tree” was pure evil.

  26. qwerty42

    [re=430111]Extemporanus[/re]: …ensure that the Genesis Device doesn’t fall into the hands of ruthless terrorists like Osama bin Kahn Noonien Singh
    I thought it was the Rambaldi Device that could not be allowed to fall into the hands of SPECTRE or Cylons or Nazi Muslims or something. Whatever. Blast it, I say.

  27. user-of-owls

    WHEREAS, the Moon has gone on record supporting Roman Polanski; and,
    WHEREAS, the Moon is a part of nature in a manner indistinguishable from that of ACORNs; and,
    WHEREAS, World Net Daily has reported that Sen. Charles Rangel owns a rental villa on the Moon which has not been reported on his Financial Disclosure statements;

    Therefore, be it RESOLVED, upon adoption of this resolution the Moon is hereby going to have the living shit bombed out of it.

  28. shadowMark

    [re=430139]Rutherfraud B. Hayes[/re]: Urban Dictionary for quod erat demonstrandum:

    -20 = -20
    16 – 36 = 25 – 45
    42 – (4)(9)= 52 – (5)(9)
    42 – (4)(9) + 81/4 = 52 – (5)(9) + 81/4
    42-2(4)(9/2)+(9/2)2=52-2(5)(9/2)+(9/2)2
    (4 – 9/2)2 = (5 – 9/2)2
    4 – 9/2 = 5 – 9/2
    4 = 5
    4 – 4 = 5 – 4
    0 = 1 Q.E.D.

    Yea science!

  29. user-of-owls

    [re=430171]shadowMark[/re]: I’m pretty sure that NaderKucinichPaul dude got banned for that shit, tread lightly s-mar.

  30. SmutBoffin

    [re=430171]shadowMark[/re]: I’m no number theorist or anything, but I rate the U. Dictionary’s arithmetic as “fucking FAIL”. (3rd line down is wrong.)

  31. Scruffy_The_Janitor

    Why hasn’t the moon denied that it raped and killed a 13 year old girl 10 years ago?
    had it denied, it wouldn’t be on death row today.

  32. chascates

    [re=430171]shadowMark[/re]: And I thought only math with letters of the alphabet in it made me cry.

  33. ElitistMarxist

    YAY Julie for the Wallace Stevens “Man with the Blue Guitar” reference!!

    Somehow I didn’t think this is what he was thinking when he wrote of “reducing the monster to myself” but, hey, this works too.

  34. dementor

    [re=430155]PoignancySelz[/re]: Agreed. Giving Tree is a primer on becoming a passive aggressive/martyr (Tree) or a Republican (Boy). I don’t know which of those characters I loathed more.

  35. shadowMark

    [re=430198]ElitistMarxist[/re]: NASA has become the rabbit humped higher and higher until its self touches all edges only NASA is NOT going to forget about that monument of cat in the moon. *

    ————————————————————-

    * A Rabbit as King of the Ghosts, Wallace Stevens

  36. S.Luggo

    [re=430171]shadowMark[/re]:
    42-(4)(9) = 52-(5)(9) only in the Lehman Brother bankruptcy filing.

    Not science, but math, e.g. the angle of the dangle equals the mean of the lean.

    Stii waiting for your mail-order junior high diploma?

  37. scubaix

    that was so beautiful. i’m not even going to uplink on the clickies to find out what it’s about. i’m really in the moment and content on planet america, contemplating the sad selfish moon as the sea.

    huh, new post from newell…i think i’ll see what that’s about…

  38. S.Luggo

    The price of green cheese will jump 5000% come Monday. Thank you, NASA. Thank you so fucking much.

  39. the problem child

    There once was a loon from Nantucket
    Who kept all his catch in a bucket
    The moon and the tide
    For the bucket provide
    Til he shoots up the moon with his musket.

  40. SmutBoffin

    [re=430221]S.Luggo[/re]: Ahem, I think you mean that the angle of the dangle is proportional to the cube of the boob times the mass of the ass…

  41. Smoke Filled Roommate

    [re=430171]shadowMark[/re]: Personally, my favorite QED definition on there is ‘Mathematical jargon for “Booyah!”‘

  42. shadowMark

    [re=430296]AnSnarkist[/re]: I didn’t even try to eye-ball it. I cheated. I just copied it line by line into my Mathematica Home Edition and changed “=” to “==” and let Mathematica catch the third line. What’s the point of having computers if we don’t let our brains turn to cheddar?

  43. Jukesgrrl

    Wait a minute. We’re too poor for Obama to spend a night in Copenhagen, or even out to dinner in evil New York, but NASA has money to send bombs to the moon? Something tells me this has something to do with NASA being in Texas and Florida.

  44. Scooter

    Damn moon anyway, looking down at us in that disapproving way, hating us for our atmosphere, trying to kill us with those tides, driving everyone effin mad every 28.24 days. Yeah, I’m talkin’ to you and your acne pocked whitey face. We’re sick of rhyming you with spoon and June. You are working our last nerve. Oh yeah baby, that WAS a bullet. And there’s plenty more where that one came from.

  45. Thegreatbacon

    [re=430238]S.Luggo[/re]: Shit. I didn’t see that you beat me to the moon cheese joke. I need a better hobby.

  46. LowerdPeninsula

    I hear that the moon has untapped unexploited oil…so, all we have to do is contrive some crime for it, demand that it release Bin Laden, and bomb it when it doesn’t (i.e. is unable to because Bin Laden is in Pakistanland).

  47. TGY

    Oh, silly Juli, they’ll be plenty of moon left for me to admire you by. *cue orchestra* MOOOON RIVERRRRR, OFFF TO SEEE THE WOOOORLD! No? I hate that song, too.

  48. the problem child

    “You see that moon? That’s me. It’s beautiful , huh? But Henry. . .it’s only reflected light. It needs the sun. The Stantons are my sun. I lived my life drawing light and warmth from them. Without them, I’m bleak and cold. . .and airless for eternity.”

    So it’s a mercy killing, really.

  49. lauraeliza1

    You guys are too funny here!!! OMG I have been laughing my head off!! :) ….If you look in the sky, there’s no moon tonight. Wonder what really happened.

    Love the Goodnight Moon poems :)

Comments are closed.