Wonkette
It’s official: Poo poo platter BILL O’REILLY wants to finger-bang the snot out of Minnesota Medusa MICHELE BACHMANN. Say no, Michele! You have a husband, a family — What would your son GRENDEL think? Baby Jesus himself would probably have a hernia. But Bill has a certain charm to him and he’s so soft and warm, like a shard. Temptation! …
DIRTY, DIRTY LINEN: SEN. JEFF MERKLEY (D-OR) spent four hours trying to solve a Rubik’s Cube in an ill-fated attempt to rally support for death panels … The Republicans in Washington are shrill and lazy and have serious B.O. and never place their napkins in their laps during suppertime, says MARCO RUBIO. Marco knows better, because when he was a little boy he went to cotillion … Every night REP. ZACH WAMP (R-TN) has terrible nightmares about MICHAEL BLOOMBERG becoming mayor of Tennessee and then confiscating all of the guns in the world and placing them in a giant landfill at the bottom of the ocean …
Have you read the tell-all book by Barney Frank’s DINING ROOM TABLE, Barney Frank: The Story of America’s Only Left-Handed, Gay, Pot Smokin’ Jewish Congressman? It’s quite something.
Riley Waggaman’s WAGG THE BOG appears constantly here at Wonkette. Send your hot gossip to the usual tips@wonkette.com
Ah, a post by Riley makes everything seem better.
Grendel? Sounds like the name of some Norse God.
Did you mean “shart?”
Michelle Bachman would never let herself be poo-banged with a falafel which as we all know is a Muslin snack. Its all American cheetos for her or nothing.
Rubio criticizes “demonizing the individuals on the other side” because while he wants to defeat Charlie Crist, he’d still like to do him afterwards.
I’ve spent the last 20-30 years trying to solve a Rubik’s Cube, so well done, Merkley.
chascates: I’m pretty sure Grendel was actually the mythological monster that (spoiler alert!) was slain by the heroic Beowulf.
Lascauxcaveman: I have a feeling “chascates” might be Tony the Tiger, back for more. Beware!
Bill O’Reilly is a grundle, also.
Jukesgrrl: Actually, Rubio’s a Republican too — they’re vying for the party nomination. Rubio’s trying to seize the intellectual and moral high ground of the Florida GOP. Which is the modern equivalent of flagpole-sitting.
Michelle Bachmann is not my mother! Take it back you scurrilous rapscallion!
Lascauxcaveman: I can see why she named him that then. She wants the world to go back to the Middle Ages.
I used to bullseye Wamp rats in my T-16 back home, and they’re not much bigger than two meters.
Wow, another Riley tour de force. And they gave the Nobel Lit prize to a German woman who looks like a character on Sprockets? There’s no justice in this world.
grendel: Yes, we all know it’s Angelina Jolie.
Lascauxcaveman: The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated
AbstinenceOnly Ed: Yes please!
Extemporanus: Barack Obama and his Gay Elf Jewish Lover, Michele Bloomberg, want to prohibit you from purchasing a weapons upgrade for your T-16 Skyhopper from the good people at Incom. That means no busting wamp rats and no impressing the local moisture farmers’ daughters down at the Mos Eisley Cantina with your marksmanship.
What happened to the Politico ban? Ehh, the might own the story, but they don’t own you Riley. Stay sane and I fear for you going over there
Yay. First Billo and Bachmann, then Zach Wamp. Congrats, Riley, you’ve hit the batshit trifecta today!
SayItWithWookies: There is a Crist joke to be made here.
Lascauxcaveman: It’s funny because I read Beowulf yesterday while waiting in the jury lounge!
What kind of “lounge” doesn’t have a bar?
Barney’s taking “let’s be frank” to a new level, where there are no Sinatra jokes. But somebody please show him the way to the gym before he noshes into the hospital.
lawrenceofthedesert: Why should he flatten his abs? Flat like a dining room table!?
Wow!
Poo-poo, finger-bang and Minnesota Medusa all in ONE sentence?!
That’s talent!
AbstinenceOnly Ed: But I was going into Fox News Station to pick up some power anchors!
It looks like I’m going nowhere. I’m gonna finish cleaning that Bill Hemmer ‘droid…
Lascauxcaveman: Oh, thanks alot asshole…I was like 20 pages from the end of Beowulf and you completely ruined it. I was sure Grendel was going to crawl out of the cave and wage a successful Republican primary campaign in Minnesota.
You know what’s funny? 12 pictures of Marco Rubio’s primary opponent, Charlie “the Original Orange” Crist lookin’ gay:
http://vetocorleone.com/2009/02/11/12-pictures-of-charlie-crist-looking-gay/
user-of-owls: Hey! I said “spoiler alert,” din’t I?
You may console yourself in as much as you have a terrif idea for some Grendel-based fan fic!
chascates: I find it hard to believe she’s read _Beowulf_ or even seen the movie. Aside from all else, the author was a Catholic.
Baby Jesus doesn’t know Michele Bachmann. I think His exact words were, “my sheep know me”. and He had a couple other versus that spoke to the likes of the religious unrighteous. I’m no theologian, but I don’t think it takes a rocket scientist to figure out who Jesus wanted to help. And it wasn’t Michele Bachmann, or Palin, or Santorum, or Boner, or any of the other whores who try to throw their arms around the shoulder of “Jesus”. In fact, they are now busy rewriting the bible to take that liberal, named Jesus, out of the bible.
“Soft and warm like, a shard”. I shall shit with fear tomorrow morning. Thanks Riley.
I seldom have any idea what Riley’s talking about, and yet his posts almost always leave me feeling all warm and tingly. Is this normal?
Republicans only put napkins in their laps to clean up the spluge after the serving boy brushes against them.
Wait, Zach fucking Wamp is one of my congressmen? When he ran for Chattanooga mayor, his campaign was literally a home movie of his family tree. Oddly, it had a lot of twists and roundabouts.
Rubio is such a politician. He doesn’t just want to oppose, but offer an alternative on every issue, with the problem being that he even knows that the ‘alternative’ to Obama is ‘more of the same’. No, it’s not your shrill tone or simply your obstructionism; it’s your tired-assed ideas, GOP. I hate those disingenuous opponents in a primary that want to take the ‘high ground’. Rubio is to the right of Crist, or at least plays it on TV. The truth is that Rubio doesn’t have a problem with his party’s ideas; in fact, he probably thinks they haven’t been conservative enough.
Suck it Rubio; suck it hard.