RUMORS ON THE INTERNETS  5:22 pm October 6, 2009

Please Stop Asking Michele Bachmann Word Problems Involving MSNBC And Long Division

by Riley Waggaman

  • Wolf Blitzer exposes SNL with his award-winning muckraking journalism. [Hot Air]
  • Hundreds of fake doctors (including Jeff Gannon) were forced to wear lab coats and say flattering things about socialized medicine. [Michelle Malkin]
  • Michele Bachmann does not know anything about MSNBC. She doesn’t know how to spell MSNBC and she doesn’t want to know. She doesn’t know what MSNBC stands for, or if it stands for anything at all. Maybe it’s Spanish. She just doesn’t know. [TPM]
  • Guess who wants to stick his public option in your pooper? You know who. [RedState]
  • Barack Obama is the the world’s most popular dictator. [Think Progress]
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steve October 6, 2009 at 5:29 pm

Michele Bachmann makes a lot of sense when the volume is turned off, not so much when it’s on.

labdork October 6, 2009 at 5:32 pm

You stuck your public option in my pooper! You got your pooper on my public option! Mmmmm, everybody wins!

EdFlinstone October 6, 2009 at 5:35 pm

What is MSNBC, letters?, numbers?, MicheLe simply does not know. Just do not expose your children to Aladdin whatever you do, cause if ya do, MicheLe might have to go on some network she doesnt know all call out the unamerican americans.

chascates October 6, 2009 at 5:37 pm

Does Michele list Fox News as one of her contributors or one of her employers?

MLHencken October 6, 2009 at 5:39 pm

Crazy Eyes Bachmann want you to know she has thoughts about things!


slavojzizek October 6, 2009 at 5:40 pm

Speaking of ‘fact-checking’ comedy, where was Wonkette on the whole ‘Arabs and Chinese have decided to just forget about these pieces of paper called ‘dollars” story racing around the intertubes today? I want answers!

shadowMark October 6, 2009 at 5:43 pm

I once read–somewhere, I don’t have a link–that a sex-sex-sex former president–not Bill–once said he wasn’t through with a woman until he had her three ways. I’m not a very street-wise guy but I’ve always taken this to mean oral sex, vaginal sex and anal sex. I really wonder if any guy has ever been through with Michele. Because you know sometimes after a woman has a lot of sex she kind of, you know, calms down…

slappypaddy October 6, 2009 at 5:46 pm

everyone knows MSNBC stands for Michelle Silly Ninny Bachmann Clown, and i’m astonished that Michelle Silly Ninny Bachmann Clown would pretend not to.

american mutt October 6, 2009 at 5:47 pm

Most popular nation in the world? With all Obama’s flaws (many) he’s done at least one thing right.

Joshua Norton October 6, 2009 at 5:48 pm

She doesn’t know what MSNBC stands for

Well, to be fair, no one really does. Or even more importantly WHY. Microsoft stopped being a prestige endorsement around the time of Windows 3.1.

Extemporanus October 6, 2009 at 5:53 pm

[re=428180]shadowMark[/re]: Well, one of those ways would quiet her down some, at least for a little while. (Probably?)

Too bad that “BJ” is an acronym, which means she’ll never go for it.

grevillea October 6, 2009 at 5:53 pm

Hmmm. Michelle Malfoy must’ve had another purge. Apparently not even one token dissenter is allowed to comment any more.

qwerty42 October 6, 2009 at 5:54 pm

From the comments at Malkin’s site:
How many of the 150 white coats were actually doctors or do they just play one for Acorn?
oh noes acornz

Extemporanus October 6, 2009 at 5:55 pm

When’s Blitzer gonna fact check that SNL “Jeopardy” sketch he was in recently?

zhubajie October 6, 2009 at 5:56 pm

[re=428171]EdFlinstone[/re]: Does she home-school?

AxmxZ October 6, 2009 at 5:58 pm

“Guess who wants to stick his public option in your pooper?”

I knew it! It was Voldemort all along!!

Extemporanus October 6, 2009 at 5:59 pm

[re=428195]qwerty42[/re]: Wrong branch of medicine, Malkinite! ACORN only recruits tree doctors.

shadowMark October 6, 2009 at 5:59 pm

[re=428185]Joshua Norton[/re]: A few years ago Microsoft built a wristwatch with Swatch and the celebrity superstar they got to endorse the product with Bill Gates was…Mischa Barton.

Bill Gates On Watch For OC Actress Mischa

EdFlinstone October 6, 2009 at 6:14 pm

[re=428200]zhubajie[/re]: You know it, but only after she resigned from the charter school she was trying to turn into a christian fundy school.

V572625694 October 6, 2009 at 6:25 pm

We didn’t get our daily double dose of Andrew Sullivan! Which, after yesterday, is probably just as well.

LittlePig October 6, 2009 at 6:29 pm

Barack Obama is the the world’s most popular dictator.

All Hail Supreme Overlord Ladysmith Barak-the-Islamic-Shock Mambazo Blackazoid Hussein X!

LittlePig October 6, 2009 at 6:29 pm

Aw rats, I left out “SuperAllah”.

proudgrampa October 6, 2009 at 6:51 pm

[re=428230]V572625694[/re]: A twelve-hour tour was MORE than enough!!

shortsshortsshorts October 6, 2009 at 7:04 pm

Bachmann doesn’t “watch” Fox either. Fox is not watched, but rather inhaled.

shadowMark October 6, 2009 at 7:07 pm


I know this is tangential to this broader argument, but if fucking Michele Bachman has made me more analytic, it seems to me to be defeating one of its core purposes.

I have had sex with Michele Bachman out of love and it’s an amazing, wonderful, transformative thing. At its height, sex with Michele Bachman out of love is the most overwhelming thing I have ever experienced. I have also had sex with Michele Bachman in my life largely as a way to escape this fucking brain in my head, that won’t stop constantly analyzing and thinking. I have had sex with Michele Bachman for these reasons as well – so I can gain a few blissful moments when I do not think at all. The relief of this is indescribable and, for me at least, an element of mental and psychological health.

I recall one marathon twelve-hour session of passion with Michele Bachman many years ago now. It was only afterwards that I realized I had barely had a single trace of an analytic thought for the longest period I could then remember. I was never happier. As I finally collapsed into Michele Bachman’s arms with the final orgasm that drained every last drop of desire or need from my body and soul, I understood for the first time why the French call coming “le petit mort”. It can be the emptying of self entirely. Which is why sex with Michele Bachman is so close at times to the presence of the divine, and reflects and incarnates God in ways few other things can so easily. We are more animal and more divine in sex than in any other activity.

“Andrew Sullivan”

proudgrampa October 6, 2009 at 7:12 pm

[re=428275]shadowMark[/re]: Wow. U da MAN!

cheeto_jeebus October 6, 2009 at 7:23 pm

[re=428275]shadowMark[/re]: thanks for nothing, now you owe me a cheap margarita as you’ve completely harshed what little buzz i had from the one i just finished. I won’t even mention the stain my “petit spew” caused except yes i will also.

Atheist Nun October 6, 2009 at 7:28 pm

[re=428180]shadowMark[/re]: “he wasn’t through with a woman until he had her three ways. “

In Bachman’s case, the third option was “skullfucking” and someone gave it to her good…. real good.

On a related note: I heard recently that Wolf Blitzer is functionally retarded, is this true?

steve October 6, 2009 at 7:28 pm

shadowMark, how many blue pills did it require for the marathon?

Accordion-o-rama October 6, 2009 at 7:32 pm

Love that RedState has a contributor named “Butt Bandit”.

Accordion-o-rama October 6, 2009 at 7:33 pm

Excuse me, “Butt Bomber”.

coolcatdaddy October 6, 2009 at 7:45 pm

Of course these weren’t real doctors.

They weren’t wearing rubber gloves and saying “Turn your head and cough.”

SparkleKitty October 6, 2009 at 8:00 pm

Michele Bachmann doesn’t know anything about STDs, either, even though a doctor treated her for several in highschool, and then some other doctors treated her for them at ORAL Roberts. She just doesn’t remember acronyms. Michele is acronym-challenged. If this isn’t true, why isn’t Michele denying it at the top of her screechy voice? I ask again…why isn’t Michele denying this?

Rev. Peter Lemonjello October 6, 2009 at 8:11 pm

[re=428272]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: I always thought wingnuts snorted FOX, after cutting it with TBN of course.

Evil Dr. Puma October 6, 2009 at 8:12 pm

Memo to all wingnuts: we apologize for shoving health care reform up your poop chute. We are simply taking the shortest route to your brain.

SparkleKitty October 6, 2009 at 8:15 pm

Michele is an hysterical idiot, because she has so much for which to feel guilty. Think about it. Oral Roberts? My daughter got a full scholarship there, and turned it down because it was such a turd-sucking hypocritical excuse for a school.

stew October 6, 2009 at 8:30 pm

What do Wonkette and Michelle Bachman have in common? They both think Olbermann is EVIL. Strange times indeed…

Paul Tardy October 6, 2009 at 9:28 pm

Obama should suggest ending all public healthcare VA medicare ect. Then say he was just kidding.

“Dictator has the words dick and tater in it, he he he he” – Beavis or perhpas it was Butthead

bago October 6, 2009 at 9:38 pm

[re=428185]Joshua Norton[/re]: Actually, the big legacy bug from 3.1 was authentication. If two machines on the same network had the same user-name, you could get full auth for that user on the trans located machine. Many companies (Novell) built an entire product line and infrastructure around this fact, and thus even to this day, the bug is still active.

lawrenceofthedesert October 6, 2009 at 9:47 pm

Wow, you guys must be archaeologists to remember Windows 3.1, which we used to defeat the Japs at Midway. I can remember CPM machines with no hard drives (one floppy for software, one for storage), but that’s from a past life. (Well, a past marriage, anyway.)

I’m also surprised that Michele didn’t ask, “How do you spell MSNBC?” She must be taking remedial classes.

Seanyboy October 6, 2009 at 9:48 pm

Oh Blitzer is so asking for the most epic “Celebrity Jeopardy” skit of all time. He would be played by guest host Sean Connery.

A Better American Than You! October 6, 2009 at 11:15 pm

I saw ‘Chelle diatribing on CSPAN. Her crazy eyes are due in part to the fact that she’s as blind as a naked mole rat without her optically-enhanced glasses.

hobospacejunkie October 6, 2009 at 11:19 pm

[re=428275]shadowMark[/re]: You be da man, you sick fuck. Or you be da sick fuck. Either way, all credit to you & your sick fuck imagination.

MinnBlue October 6, 2009 at 11:26 pm

Michele Bachmann is a disgrace to the USA, MN, and the 6th. If you’re interested in getting rid of Bachmann, support democratic candidate Dr. Maureen Reed! You can learn more about Maureen, and donate, at:

artpepper October 6, 2009 at 11:58 pm

I certainly hope Bachmann grills Ben Bernanke about this “MSBNC” entity that is taking over our dollars.

Fuck Toad October 7, 2009 at 12:28 am

His thick, dark, ropy public option. Sock it to me, Obamessiah!

BeWoot October 7, 2009 at 12:51 am

[re=428374]MinnBlue[/re]: Is Maureen Reed a real doctor or does she just play one on ACORNz?

Lascauxcaveman October 7, 2009 at 1:00 am

[re=428345]lawrenceofthedesert[/re]: No, no, no. You’ve got it all wrong. We didn’t defeat the Japs a Midway with Win 3.1. That was just plain old fashioned guns, bombs, skill, teamwork, superior air cover, ruthlessness and a hell of a lot of good luck.

Win 3.1 is what we used to take out Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

Also, I’m pretty sure Win 3.1 was what Capt. Janeway used to take out The Borg. She just uploaded it into their main computer, and Win 3.1 did the rest.

LowerdPeninsula October 7, 2009 at 1:32 am

MSNBC is Italian, or maybe some kind of Spanish…

God, I love Family Guy.

MS October 7, 2009 at 2:44 am

On the subject of the two Michel(l)e(s):

Er, what?

Godless Liberal October 7, 2009 at 7:28 am

I briefly entertained the notion of pointing out to the fine folks at Hot Air that PolitiFact, not CNN, actually made the decision to fact-check a television comedy skit, but then I remembered this was Hot Air and instead went to slam my face into a wall.

Mahousu October 7, 2009 at 8:13 am

Is it just me, or has the American Police Force seized control of Wonkette? Of course, if this means Wonkette will now be in possession of nuclear arms, this could be a good thing, balance-of-power-wise.

Eric Cheney October 7, 2009 at 8:41 am

RedState: “In order to change a society (say, USA from 1960) it must first be drained of two things (moral aspects)…those are shame and respect.
Did we not lose these in the 1960s?

Now I get it! Sgt. Pepper killed American values! Before that, all those ‘dusky peoples’ knew their place, Dad felt cool driving around in the old, green Lincoln station wagon, kids knew when to get a god damned haircut, girls did what they were told, and a young fella could go off and kill a bunch of gooks in some place no one had ever heard of and feel good about it.

Yep. The country sure took a nose dive into the toilet back in the 60s.

Eric Cheney October 7, 2009 at 8:53 am

Could we tone it down a little please? I mean, instead of terms like ‘pooper’ and ‘poop chute’ it would be much more polite to refer to this as the ‘chocolate farm’ or the ‘fudge factory’.

PsycGirl October 7, 2009 at 9:35 am

[re=428345]lawrenceofthedesert[/re]: ah yes, the good old days when I once added an item to our lab shopping list on the blackboard, which in the light of morning looked like “3.5 inch floppy dicks”. Much teasing ensued.

supremecourtjester October 7, 2009 at 3:26 pm

M. Bachmann while riding a horse and waving her hat: “The white coats are coming, the white coats are coming!”

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