Wonkette
Look everybody, it’s a dumb Internet thing that the pistachio company wants every blog to post about in hopes of going viral! Who are we to disobey the pistachio company? So here you go: Levi Johnson now “wears protection” when eating his pistachios and slamming his huge bodyguard in the dumper. [The Awl]
who let him appear fully clothed?
Jesus, that fuckin’ redneck is bigger whore than Bristol…
I don’t even need to click the clicky. The still shot works just great. fapfapfapfapfapfapfap
Oh my merciful Jesus.
Greatest ad ever. Ever.
Somehow I have the feeling this is not the first time we’ll see him with nuts in his mouth.
get your levi’s out of the way levi
I like pistachios. And big black guys. So this is a bit of a win for me. But who’s the white kid?
Oh sure, because when I think of “protection” I think of condoms, large black men, and…pistachios? Nuts? I don’t get it.
Levi’s cute, though.
And he doesn’t speak! This is the first time an Election 2008 famewhore has stayed within his range of talents. Also probably the last.
Does what with protection? Eat nuts? Does that mean Bristol is really a dude?
When editorial cartoonists satirize this bit of artwork the hunky bodyguard will be portrayed by an image of an internet clipart hippotamus.
they shoulda made the body guard rip levi’s clothes off. because why not.
LULZmonger, fishmonger, pistachiomonger…is pistachiomonger code for (common law) mother-in-law banger? Because for some reason I enjoy imagining Levigh banging that stretchmark-covered word salad shooter.
“Get Crackin!”
Is that what black dudes say when they wanna go hump trashy white chicks?
Protection, nuts, Levi, pistachio-green shirt. That was actually kinda funny.
I mean, how funny do you expect an ad for pistachios to be?
Is that his LAST NAME tattooed on his forearm? Whatever for? In case he forgets?
great. another snowbilly grifter gets paid. if retardation truly pays, I’m betting Alaskans have a much deeper vein to tap than oil or timber. Bristol, you’re next, honey.
the problem child: Eminem
Why. The. Fuck. Does. He. Need. A. Body. Guard!?!?!!
I’d like to bang him for 12 hours.
Texan Bulldoggette: and she squeezed little tripp out her pee-hole!
Lascauxcaveman: I mean, how funny do you expect an ad for pistachios to be?
Pistachios: The Jay Leno of the Nut Family!
el donaldo: Only good-looking retardation pays, or where would Hollywood be?
leftcoaster: Oh, c’mon, that Johnston’s as long as a baby’s arm, right?
This is all part of Tank Jones meticulously researched PR campaign.
Anyone wanna guess how many parodies will show up on YouTube in, oh, like the next three minutes?
I guess Joe The Plumber wasn’t available to play the part of the body guard?
I’d hit that.
Bible Spice is the gift that keeps on giving. So much glory out of so little actual talent or intelligence.
If the bodyguard had said “Get Crackin’ with the Cracker” i might have bought some.
Levi’s son is going to be very depressed when he reads how his dad made money after he was born.
Worst. Gay. Porn. Evar!
And seriously, at least he’s doing something to support his kid. I didn’t think he ever would.
Lascauxcaveman: and in only 18 seconds.
I didn’t get the memo declaring this to be Gay Day on the Wonkett. But I’m cool with it.
Thank goodness they wrote ALASKA over the map on his tee shirt, or we wouldn’t have known.
He’s handsome, intellegent, talented. The white guy, not so much.
Would you rather eat nutz or have one of these on your dash?
http://www.bobbleheads.com/product/tabid/85/p-317-sarah-palin.aspx
Gopherit: I’m sure it is all going into his college trust fund. Trip’s, that is. Or is it Trig’s. Can’t keep it all straight.
OReillysVibrator: Who in his life will have the skills to teach the son of Bristol and Levi to read?
You can see the glimmer in the bodyguard’s eyes. He’s gettin’ some. I bet he loves the Caucasian canal and the ‘vanilla valley’
MingPicket:
EXACTLY. Thank you!
the problem child: Now all we need is an M-Bach bobblehead and I’ll be content.
Trig toodles toward camera, against a white background. Falls flat on face. (Voiceover): Don’t be a retard. Eat pistachios. Now.
I LOVE pistachios now that they’re not red anymore. That was a pain in the ass.
WadISay: Total WIN!!
What if Levi Johnston started dating Meghan McCain? (The ravishing, beautiful, intelligent, wonderful and sexy Meghan McCain.)
WadISay: water-out-nose!
This is not how an internet video entitled “Levi Johnston with nuts in his mouth” was supposed to look like.
thefrontpage: Are you kidding? Levi is too much of a poor. Besides, Meghan McCabe and her hair would never stoop so low as to date a coat-tail riding goofball. No. Never.
Gopherit: Yeah, sure, it’s all about the kid….
thefrontpage: Babies will have clown syndrome.
Remember Levi - it’s only gay if your nuts are touching.
Why don’t you go tenderly kiss a trisomy 21, you Wasilla weasel. Man up assnuts, Trig is your spawn.
Fuck, I just got it!!!! Tri…somy, Tri….g
Maybe Spalin could “adopt” this type of ad to make a few moose bucks.
thefrontpage: What if Levi Johnston started dating Jenny Sanford? (The ravishing, beautiful, intelligent, wonderful and sexy Jenny Sanford.)
With “protection” this big, no wonder Levi’s walking funny.
GreatOldOnesParty:
But does he have tattoos and shower only twice a week? That might change things….
I would love to see him join that cast of The Hills. For the first time ever, he would always be the smartest guy in the room.
Tattoos? Check.
Showers twice a week? Thinks “week” is 30 days long/ the same amount of time it takes for the sun to revolve around the earth.
I’m re-whoring this tasteful yet mildly-NSFW (no nudity, but lots-o-Levi-skin) Levi Johnston centerfold desecration because 1) the last time I linked to it, the killjoys at Photobucket killed it after only a few hours, 2) I’m sensing a lot of pent-up nuts in this thread that could use a fap aid, and 3) it’s highly germane to the post, and to not do so would simply be negligent.
Alright, carry on.
“Get Crackin?” Crackering? Broke-Backering?
it’s not unfunny but it’s not that funny either
Prommie: That’s the new slogan for Long John Silver’s new all-you-can-eat calamari special: “Get Kraken!”
I watched that three times and I still don’t know the name of the Pistachio nut company
Too late to be taken them smart pills, Levi. You alright stuck it where it don’t belong.
OReillysVibrator: I don’t agree. Do you think Levi is depressed about his mother makes her money?
I HATE that I find him so hot.
I would *still* hit that. You go, Levi. I like you more all the time.
Sure Levi - it’s too bad you Alaksans didn’t know how to recall a nut.
Since I missed a few days of Wonkette- did we have anything on Ensign and his continuing scandal news(pressuring gov’t agencies on behalf of his girlfriend’s husband’s lobbying firm)- that even Coburn(his doctor and confessor) is distancing himself.
finallyhappy: Yes. It was reported that Ensign got his nut and now that Levi has his, the circle is whole. Wonkette in a nutshell. Heh.
Why can’t I read stories of 12 hour sexathons with Levi????
Damn he’s too hot.
finallyhappy: not yet
Good Porn Title: “Levi’s Johnson”.
開心果, the word for pistachio in Chinese, is also a slang word for teh gay. Just thought I’d throw that out there.
NopantsMcGee: except it’s Johnston.
Pistachios are the number three export revenue producer, after oil and carpets, for Iran. Does that mean Levi is now a terrorist?
One of the greatest tools on earth, and one of the greatest names for a tool, and greatest names for a gay prono, is the “johnson bar.” http://www.iheartrobotics.com/2009/04/cool-tool-johnson-bar.html
progressiveinga: Yeah, it was a huge plus when they finally went green.
In Turkish, “fistik,” is the word for pistachio, also is slang for a super Nana, a major babe, a female of awesome attractivness and, now, for gay Turks, Levi.
Wugou: Now that IS interesting…
Way Cool Larry: It’s “Wonderful.” Wonderful Pistachios.
I know because my some of my family’s nuts are in the bag Levi’s eating. Munch, munch.
WadISay: That’ll be on You Tube within the hour, I predict. Beautiful.
I think I have found the way we survive this Sarah Palin mishap. Levi should eat her.
Don’t fret over your feelings for Levi, girls; Hell, I’d bang Sarah, but I’d hate myself in the morning-and forever, and forever…
Prommie: “I suggest the 7 foot length for maximum leverage.”
Sheeet. Overkill. All it took was a bottle of muscatel with a screw-on cap and a Vienna sausage to put a loaf in Bristol’s oven.
ttommyunger: Do girls have feelings for Levi? I thought it was guys who think he’s nubile-icious.
“When the Lamb opened the seventh seal…”
For the record I kept scrolling and I refuse to watch the video, for the very reasons in the post. :smug:
Prommie:
You have weird ideas about what Gay dudes find sexy, Prommie.
shadowMark: In my Levi Johnston fantasy, he would be dating Fox News rebel bad boy Shepard Smith, who, much like our dear Levi, has spent his “career” making fun of Republicans and occasionally pointing out that they are killing poor baby flood victims. I don’t think Geraldo would get jealous if he got to operate the camera.
I don’t need an ad to convince me to buy pistachios since I already love them. However, I did enjoy this ad after thinking that our resident Snowbilly was probably spitting nails after watching it.
90% of the world’s pistachios come from Iran; Is Johnston a seccret Shi’ite?
ithasatilde:
Can you tell me which one is the bottom? I’m trying to get a good mental picture here….
2012 is going to be the best election evar.
Levi Johnston: Eats, nuts and leaves.
The shell protects the nut..Levi breaks shell to get to nut..condoms? Is this some kind of AIDS joke?
Tommmcatt: Well, only because you are pursuing a legitimate academic question:
After some playful struggling, ultimately Shep would be the top, right? Because otherwise it’s just too predictable.
Chickensmack: Hawt!
Robert Zimmerframe: That was effing beautiful, man.
Stolen from Jeremy Skahill’s facebook is this link featuring the erudite former Ms. South Carolina Teen USA flogging pistachios:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MKPCs6dSsYM
I don’t get Levi’s appeal. He’s not particularly good-looking, or particularly tall (really, what is he? Like 5′8″?), or particularly anything else, for that matter. But, I guess standards get lowered when you consider that he comes from the psuedo-political realm where his average competition are repugnant, overweight, middle-aged-to-eldery white guys.
Pistachios are from Persia! LEVI’S IN BED WITH IRAN!!!