Sometimes Things Look Like Other Things

By the Comics Curmudgeon
Did you know that no object in the universe is entirely unique? It’s true! Many things, it turns out, look like other things. Sometimes things don’t look like other things, but they’re like other things, at their essence, in what we call a “metaphor.” Sometimes you see a thing and you think, “That thing can’t actually be what it looks like,” but have no idea what it actually is! And sometimes, very rarely, you find out that one of your neighbors is keeping the president’s corpse in his refrigerator.

Hey, cartoonists! You know, there’s been a bit of scandal over the past few weeks, involving a group called ACORN, which is actually an acronym for some wordy words that I’m not going to look up at the moment, but anyway their logo is an actual acorn, and acorns are fun to draw, and you can work them into all sorts of cartoons. And of course the Democratic Party has, since the days of Andrew Jackson, been represented by a donkey, which has also been fun to draw for more than a century, and we’re certainly not telling you to stop now! So, you know, I can understand that you might want to combine these fun-to-draw things into a single cartoon! But my advice to you is that, if you do this, right before you send it off to the editor, you take a good look at it and say to yourself, “Do I seem to have just drawn a donkey with an enormous cock for a head?” And if the answer is “yes,” perhaps reconsider.

In other news, are you aware the Barack Obama is, literally, Jesus? (And by “literally” we mean “metaphorically.”) Here he is, on the verge of being nailed up on this cross of severed limbs from around the world. Even in his terrified last moment, though, he hates America, as is obvious from the fact that he has chosen to wear our flag as a diaper. Still and all, is that any reason for some creepy off-screen hand to come in and playfully scratch up his back until it bleeds? The real Jesus got whipped, repeatedly, if the Passion of the Christ is accurate, which I’m pretty sure it was; Obama’s comparatively lax treatment is just another example of liberal media bias. They’re probably only going to crucify him a little too.

What did Barack Obama do to make himself so hated as to be crucifixion-worthy? In this grainy photo, we can see that he committed the ultimate crime against humanity: despite his dark skin, thin frame, and non-melon-shaped head, the telltale trail of dashes he leaves behind him as he scampers from one obstacle to the next marks him out as one of the most loathsome of creatures: a Keane Kid. Yes, Barack Obama is apparently a refugee from the Family Circus, the most hated piece of cultural production on earth today. “Who ruined America with his socialism?” “Not me!”

Anyway, Obama is not ashamed of his lies, and his Keanness. Instead, he’s taken his big grin and his health care plan and is just stone cold sittin’ there, on the head of an enormous hippopotamus. Yup, just … you know … hippo-head-sitting. As one is wont to do. You know the old saying, “It’s like sitting between a hippo’s ears!” Or, the metaphor, “The man who sits on a hippo is a man who won’t face the fiscal reality of his health care plan!” Or … no, you know what, I’m not going to pretend this cartoon makes any sense. It doesn’t, OK? You cannot make me believe that this means anything that would make sense to anyone. God damn you, giant hippo.

Meanwhile, you know who’s totally on top of this whole thing with the Iranians and their nuclear program? Your mom. That’s right, all these appeasement-happy so-called “intelligence agencies” don’t know crap about the Iranian nukes. No, the person to listen to here is your mom, who forwards you two or three emails a day about how Wal-Mart is selling globes without Israel and Pepsi is taking God out of the pledge of allegiance or whatever. Clearly her paranoia about a country she couldn’t locate on a map is evidence enough to stop the spying and start the bombing!

In other news, your mom is a prostitute. I had her last night, for five dollars.

Oh, yeah, remember how I said that one of your neighbors was keeping Barack Obama’s corpse in his refrigerator? Well, he totally is.