shootin' homewreckers

Sketchy Private Security Force Becoming Sketchier By The Minute

TPM has been all over that story about the terrifying private security company that secretly bought a fancy public jail from a Montana town, so as to convert it into a War Facility. The head of the company is such a dirty criminal that the best title anyone can give him is “California-based grifter.” And here, TPM has created a slideshow of screen shots from the American Police Force’s website, which doesn’t seem to work as well as it used to. The whole thing is hilarious. Lots of special-ops services, with guns! Try to remember the stupidest creep from your middle school class — he probably works here now. [TPM]

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Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

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130 comments

  1. Way Cool Larry

    I get it, he’s got his “package” in his hands as he sees another guy with his lady– oh, the irony. Or is it, he sees a lady with his guy???

  2. notwavingbutdrowning

    These seems like the sort of business that would have been started by Tonya Harding’s ex-husband and his bozo friends.

  3. Come here a minute

    You mean the kid who had blood dripping from his mouth from a fight he started, the only guy I ever saw bleeding from a middle school fight, the guy who pulled a fire alarm after he just got thrown out of a class for arguing with the teacher, that guy? Yeah, that’s the guy.

  4. Native of SL UT

    Hello dear, I’m home and I bought you a present….Oh My God, You’re fucking Kenny the page.

    or the alternate version..

    Hello dear, I’m home and I bought you a present….Oh My God, You’re fucking a woman.

  5. tacodaemon

    I still think this is some kind of viral marketing gimmick and, like, Burger King will turn out to be behind it

  6. AbstinenceOnly Ed

    Just wait ’til Trey Parker and Matt Stone “cop” to devising this ingenious, hilarious and frightening prank. Golly, those South Park boys got us good, yet again! Matt Damon.

  7. Way Cool Larry

    Of course, this is no laughing matter– “the APF deal is part of a plan by the Obama administration to have “all major cities locked down” by the end of October.” Or something.

  8. Evil Dr. Puma

    War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Cops are robbers. Ketchup is a vegetable. My brain hurts!

  9. AbstinenceOnly Ed

    [re=424884]Native of SL UT[/re]: That’s Kenneth the Page to you, or maybe Kenneth Ellen Parcell, and perhaps Ken to his friends, but never never NEVER Kenny. Ugh.

    And I thought those Governor Bobby Jindal comparisons were offensive.

  10. rev_matt_y

    [re=424885]tacodaemon[/re]: I’m pretty sure you’re right. The site design alone screams Reno 911-style parody.

  11. Come here a minute

    [re=424873]Way Cool Larry[/re]: No, it’s kind of like on SNL, except it’s, “I’m putting your dick in this box, for the guy who hired me, and for my own sick pleasure.”

  12. Lazy Media

    When the Habsburgs discover that these mouthbreathers are abusing their family crest, they’re probably going to send an ultimatum to Serbia, and here we go again.

  13. queeraselvis v 2.0

    Ye gods, did Sarah Palin’s ghostwriter write that gibberish text for APF? The English language haz a big fat sloppy sad.

  14. ohiolobbyist

    Umm, did anyone notice screen cap 9 where they claim to have, amongst other weapons for sale, “Nuclear/Biological/Chemical (WMD)”

    If anyone needs me, I’ll be hiding under my fucking desk for the rest of the day.

  15. Crank Tango

    I think the funniest part of all of this is that somewhere in Montana, this “company” has taken over a town with a stack of rubber checks. HI-LARIOUS!

  16. AutomaticPilot

    I think it’s pretty clear that this couple was caught in the waiting room of one of Michele Bachmann’s sex clinics. And the box contains a wire hanger, just in case an abortion is warranted.

  17. RoscoePColtraine

    I can’t really read the caption, but, if the chick is supposed to be boning the guy sitting with her on the sofa…let’s just say that would be easy as hell to explain, and I’d be ripping that gift open in two seconds.

    Portrayal of illicit boning FAIL.

  18. shadowMark

    If more parents hired these guys to shadow their tween children there would be fewer people getting surprised by those after school abortions they’re afraid of not getting properly notified about.

  19. Come here a minute

    This is from the same page as the photo above:

    Its not against the law to cheat but it’s a violation of trust and can drag someone down because of how hurtful it makes married couples feel. APF can get you results, and will talk with you for a free private investigator consultation and action plan to stop the cheater or simply figure out whether it’s true or not.

    This is the kind of quality writing we can only hope for in our Amazon-pre-ordered copies of Going Rouge.

  20. Jukesgrrl

    Wait a minute, half the people I know can’t buy houses because of some long-ago transgression in their history, but this “California-based grifter” can buy a PRISON? And speaking of frightening pranks and marketing gimmicks, do we know where Shorts is?

  21. Crank Tango

    [re=424916]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: OMG my husband is home! Yeah, so any time you want to get that hand off my knee, feel free. Maybe get the fuck out of here, moreover. Or just sit there, with your hand on my knee. OK. go with that.

  22. SayItWithWookies

    Wow, this guy’s had more fraud convictions than Michael Vick had pit bulls. And two bankruptcies in two years. The city fathers of Hardin were definitely wise in choosing to go into business with this swindler. I think SayItWithWookies Monorail Enterprises will be giving these people a call shortly.

  23. PlanetWingnuta

    you know…after work today i’m just gonna put a copy of the best of cheaters dvd and just lay back and chuckle.

  24. queeraselvis v 2.0

    [re=424923]Come here a minute[/re]: Going Rouge? Is that the memoir of Palin’s makeup artist?

  25. shortsshortsshorts

    This should have been obvious. So it goes— if you are a private defense contractor, you must be a criminal. That is teh good Dr. Paultard’s fatal flaaawww.

  26. PsycGirl

    Is there anything this outfit CAN’T do, according to them? Because I need a second-story broken window replaced and they’ve got all this equipment that they might as well use.
    If I hired them to execute those who butcher the English language, they’d have to commit suicide.

  27. Scruffy_The_Janitor

    From No. 16: “Over the course of a month how many criminals have you been in contact with? You might even be living with one…”

    Look above you, look below you. The Wonkette poster you see may be a criminal and they haven’t denied it.

  28. Sussemilch

    “Hello, American Police Force? I think my Johnny is flirting with the coffee gal, you know, at Starbucks.”

    “Ok, I can see your caller ID. No problem ma’am, we’ll pick him up on the way to work and take him to a warehouse and have our executive staff of ex-casino and carvinal workers waterboard him till he grows gills and pull his fingernails until he provides graphic detail about how he dipped his wick.”

    “Omigosh, wait-”

    “Leave it to us, we’ll bring you his testicles in a baggie around noon – eh, maybe 1pm, we’ll need to properly bang the lady in question also. We’ll send you a bill, and I suggest you don’t fuck with our collections department.”

  29. BitchyMel

    [re=424885]tacodaemon[/re]: If not it is so very sad. The fact that they are now taking it down makes me think it was real.

  30. norbizness

    “We’ve got the pigs who were too psychologically unstable even for small-town police forces! FUCK YEEEEAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!”

  31. turbanlegends

    “husbands and wives will typically call untrustworthy loved ones adultery or infidelity.”

    It’s a pretty weighty accusation to call ‘em the institution of adultery itself.

    Woman, you are whoredom!

  32. Johnny Zhivago

    Give them credit, they must have spent a lot of money to get Tom Friedman to write the copy for their website.

  33. Johnny Zhivago

    Hey, the surveilance page brings up an interesting question…

    Can I sue my former employer for “lost peace of mind”

  34. SayItWithWookies

    First rule of adultery: Don’t get it on in the married person’s house. Really, people.

  35. Vulpes82

    [re=424952]Scruffy_The_Janitor[/re]: Wait, I thought everyone here was a criminal already! Some obscure provision of the USA PATRIOT Act or something.

  36. steve

    I think it’s great they play up all their years of experience with quotes such as “Within the last 5 years the United States has been far and away our biggest…” given they were incorporated in California in March of ’09. Maybe they should revise it to say within the last 7 months… It does give credence to the private Obama police force unless Cheney’s planning a coup..

  37. Monsieur Grumpe

    Has anybody seen their rates for terrorizing little old ladies, brake line slashing or
    underwear kidnapping? Just curious.

  38. Servo

    “Hon-eeeeey! I’m ho-ooome! I got your Valentine’s Day kiel-bas-aaah! Hey! Who the fuck is this broad?!”

  39. slappypaddy

    [re=424958]Johnny Zhivago[/re]: this website’s copy was not written by someone whose native language is english, e.g., “methods we use for cheating spouses”, “how hurtful it makes married couples feel”, just to snag two quick examples off slide #1. that may explain the two-headed serbian chicken. like a hot queen, this site is pretty but it’s bogus.

  40. TubeCity

    In my … friend’s experience, a cheating wife stays out surprisingly late on Valentine’s Day, then doesn’t want you going down on her, for some reason. She doesn’t sit there in your living room with her “co-worker,” using her hand to hide the protein smears on her lips when you get home. But, whatever… she’s an adorable redhead with slim leather straps around her ankles, so what are you gonna do? Just give her the present and smile. It’s all good. She might be excited at scoring two lovers on Valentine’s Day.

  41. FUNdamental

    From their website; “They also may perform computer database searches, or work with someone who does. Computers allow detectives and investigators to quickly obtain massive amounts of information on individuals’ prior arrests, convictions, and civil legal judgments; telephone numbers; motor vehicle registrations; association and club memberships; and other matters.”

    Wow, I didn’t major in English, but I want to hack that paragraph up.

    You can hire APF for thousands of dollars to do a background check, or, you can just pay veromi.net 39.95 for the same information.

  42. cashaholic

    I’m so glad I live in Canada! I just called APF and used my credit card to order a police car, some AK-47s, and a six-pack (or was it a gross?) of explosives/perforators! As a bonus, they’re throwing in their “Methods We Use for Cheating Spouses” training video! (Haha, this is just for humour! Just kidding! The only acetone in my house is nail polish remover! And my name isn’t Abdul or Mohammed!)

  43. steve

    Since Hilton’s a convicted felon can he actually be in such close proximity to all those weapons and WMDs? I thought there were rules against this or maybe just guidelines?

  44. RoscoePColtraine

    Who the fuck pays somebody to follow their husband/wife/bf/gf around to confirm their suspicions they might be cheating? That’s lame, and I never understood it. You’ve always got control of the situation by virtue of the fact you can stay or leave. What do you hope to accomplish by having proof that your lover cheated? Oh, I see…now that I know you’ve been sleeping with someone else, I can try to control you in the future because I know you did it?

    It’s retarded and it must stop.

  45. Spiro Agnew

    I think people are missing the point of the picture. If this guy stumbled upon his lady friend screwing Kenneth the Page or anyone for that matter, why hire an outside contractor to do the job?

  46. MysteriousHoatzin

    JUST FYI, the two-headed chicken is not the integral part of the Serbian crest it, it is the cross surrounded by four Cyrillic Ss.

  47. Gorillionaire

    TPM talked with one of the city board people there in Montana who acknowledged that the whole thing is a pretty desperate move but, hey, what other option do we have!?!?!?
    I’m guessing this town is, uh, Republican.

  48. steve

    [re=424998]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: Roscoe, Roscoe, Roscoe you must live in one of those libral states with that no fault divorce thingy – without proof of grab-assin how’s a spouse supposed to collect bagillions of $$ in alimony.

  49. Mahousu

    [re=425004]Advocatus_Diaboli[/re]: All that article is saying is that Bill Clinton reached the end of the alphabet and had to start over (with Aab).

  50. Snarkalicious

    [re=424934]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: It’s not the cheating that hurts. It’s when I pee that hurts.

  51. sezme

    [re=424998]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: Sounds like you have a story to tell, Roscoe (and Bill Clinton).

  52. RoscoePColtraine

    [re=425013]steve[/re]: Oh, that explains it. And in conservative “red” states they just believe whatever the man says. Amirite?

  53. Potater

    [re=424998]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: They can get a bigger cut in their divorce proceedings if they can prove the spouse cheated on them.

  54. steve

    Roscoe, that’s the injustice APF is trying to address – level the playing field in all 50 states and foreign countries by catching those fornicating adultering spouses with advanced investigative technics and surveillance tactics. How else will there be future episodes of Cheaters.

  55. Crank Tango

    [re=425024]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: That might explain the gay marriage stance. How do you give it all to the man when there are two men? I’ll take my answer off the air.

  56. Advocatus_Diaboli

    I think I’m going to hire these guys so I can get to the bottom of the Obama birth certificate mystery.

  57. Darkness

    [re=424968]Johnny Zhivago[/re]: Can I sue my former employer for “lost peace of mind”

    No, but I bet for a fat check to APF you can square up with former boss. A few weeks of always having the same black SUV following him/her. Strange noises in the house followed by finding all kinds of strange detection equipment hidden in various everyday objects. Email always slow to arrive and some of it never does. Mail steamed open. Relatives receiving lots of odd phone calls. Yup. You too can even the score.

  58. slowuncle

    [re=424894]Dave J.[/re]: hey can you toss us a link to that cuckold porn site?
    Don’t judge.

  59. Snarkalicious

    Hmm…Heavily armed dudes who prolly sectioned out of boot, being led by an unstable huckster, have been given control of a state-approved max-sec facility in BFE Montana. That third ingredient is the missing magic that could only happen in this kind of economy. The kind of magic that makes Dick Cheney’s long-dormant pecker stir with fresh blood.

  60. comicbookguy

    [re=424890]Way Cool Larry[/re]:

    “the APF deal is part of a plan by the Obama administration to have “all major cities locked down” by the end of COPTOBER.”

    Better. Or would that be Locktober?

  61. NYNYNY

    Dear American Police Force,

    My wife Esmerelda and our son Manny go out for whole afternoons and come back, often covered in a odd white fuzz. They won’t tell me where they’ve been. I know something is going on. Now we have a subscription to the Washington Post, Manny’s got all of these new tennis shoes. What is going on? I need your top investigator.

  62. Biden Time

    That website says it can monitor adultery with “covert pregnancy testing.” How does one do this exactly? Provide pictures please.

  63. Hedley Lamar

    [re=425158]Biden Time[/re]: It’s that guy who hides in the bottom of outhouses. He’s holding up
    a stick to pee on.

  64. ph7

    [re=425158]Biden Time[/re]: Actually,that one seems plausible – capture a urine sample from the subject’s toilet and apply sample to pregnancy test strip. Suspicious spouse just needs to provide access to subject’s bathroom. You’d be surprised what deviousness springs forth from a divorce proceeding…

  65. peeno nwar

    I remember the stupidest creep from my middle school class, but I think he is now Glen Beck. Well, good for him that he has a day job, I guess.

  66. comicbookguy

    [re=425171]ph7[/re]: While the spouse is away, they simply reroute the toilet’s plumbing to a secret laboratory in Montana staffed by the top 10% of the CIA, FBI, and local law enforcement.

  67. GreatOldOnesParty

    page 20.
    oh. my. god.

    and is it a bad thing that I can name and point out which guns are made in which country on page 9?

  68. GreatOldOnesParty

    [re=424905]Lazy Media[/re]: I know. Could they have picked a LESS-American-Looking eagle for their symbol?

  69. TeddyS

    Hello, you have reached the American Police Force. To buy a nuclear weapon, please press one. To snuff your spouse, press two. To have a friendly APF representative fly in out camo helo to your own private personal residence with a red gift box and explain our entire menu of options, press three. To hear this menu in Spanish is impossible.

  70. Jukesgrrl

    [re=425155]NYNYNY[/re]: I’m laughing like crazy and it’s coming out like a dog yelp. Your fault.

  71. Zorg

    I remember back when Orange County was populated with surfers and John Birch Society members and a few gay Disneyland employees. When did it become action central for grifters, quacks and media whores from Eastern European backwaters such as Moldova, Montenegro and Bulgaria? This development deserves further research. Throw in the village of idiots called Hardin and you could have a great movie. Sort of a “Field of Dreams” in reverse.

  72. PsycGirl

    Page 24 refers to “our quite unique privacy laws”. WTF???? You’re hiring a tiny mobile country to do this stuff? A country that doesn’t know that “unique” is not qualified, something is unique or it isn’t?

  73. S.Luggo

    [re=424870]Jim89048[/re]: An ObamaCare school sex clinic, portable D&C kit. The tyranny! And her parents will never know!
    — Michele Bachmann

  74. S.Luggo

    [re=424923]Come here a minute[/re]: That’s a quote stolen from Nevada Senator John Ensign’s victory speech.
    A copyright suit is sure to ensue. No, honest. Authorship is involved.

  75. Zorg

    [re=424992]Come here a minute[/re]: It really is a printing press. Now we have to wonder, “Is the ginger couple caught in the adultery photo really ginger?” I, for one, demand to know if the carpet matches the drapes.

  76. zhubajie

    [re=425004]Advocatus_Diaboli[/re]: Old news! :-( What about those two asian gals he rescued from a N. Korean prison? How grateful were they? No rumors?

  77. villageatrois

    It’s too bad that Merkin divorce now requires helicopters and automatic weapons. Aaahhh, but hell, Merkin commerce, elections, and debt collection require even more serious weapons. National debt is now measured in megatons of corrective force.

  78. Captain Swing

    Has anyone checked their Personnel Department for our old friend Joe the (non) Plumber? Sounds like the kind of operation that would be right up his alley-

    Plumber? No license, and kept dropping wrenches on his toes.

    West Bank War Correspondent? After he was there a few days, both the Israelis and Hamas wanted to use him as a mine detector.

    T.V. Salesman? Still trying to figure out the remote control.

    Manager, WMD Department, APF? Yep, he ‘da Man!

  79. Beanball

    [re=424992]Come here a minute[/re]: Oops, just got in, looked up (finally) and see this ground has been covered. Anyway, I can professionally attest that the “polygraph” is a fukkng printing press, and not even American made.

    Might be a German Durst (it’s been awhile.)

  80. Beanball

    Piece de resistanz: slug in lower rh corner on home page:

    “Some of our services include Kidknapping & Ransoms for ransom…”

    Wow. Just wow.

  81. LowerdPeninsula

    [re=424936]SayItWithWookies[/re]: You think that’s bad, both the mayor and city administrator of Ecourse, Michigan here in suburban Detroit were arrested the other day after it was revealed that both of them had hatched a plan before the election (conspiracy) to get elected, dismantle the city’s public works department, and then hire a newly-formed company founded by a friend for the sole purpose of taking over the departments work. The company head was also arrested, the other day. I mean, this is Chicago-type corruption in this little city. And, the mayor ran on a platform of anti-corruption, to boot.

  82. Sharkey

    The joke’s on all you Wonks with the Ghey comments: that thing on the right holding the present? That a woman, baby!

  83. Catholics4Condoms

    Not to mention sales of arms (outside of US only). Here’s your 50 cal machine guns and RPG’s Sen~or Drug Cartel Guy.

    In theory these guys could do something to Barry, Joe, Nancy, Robby, Hilary, and Timmy. Future News: President Robert Gates announces the replacement of all public police forces in the US with APF. Newly confirmed Vice President Michelle Bachman says, “I welcome our new double-headed chicken sportin’ overlords.”

  84. Catholics4Condoms

    When they’re dressed in black with their turtlenecks over their mouths like Mort in “Bazooka Joe” they look like COBRA from GI Joe.

  85. NYNYNY

    [re=425381]LowerdPeninsula[/re]: and they named themselves after an online mailing list management company? How much did ecourse give them for that- $300?

  86. schvitzatura

    [re=424983]slappypaddy[/re]: We have investigative agents that specialize in certain areas and most speak several different languages such as Spanish, Russian, Japanese, Ukrainian, Polish, English to name a few. That covers about 90 percent of the worlds spoken language.

    Han Mandarin Chinese, some?

  87. Freelance Minion

    Lower on that page they advertise “covert pregnancy testing”.

    ?? Do I not have enough imagination or is that weird?

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