SURE WHY NOT  4:41 pm September 30, 2009

Fancy Montana Jail Taken Over By Evil Private Security Force

by Jim Newell

FUCK YEAHThis is insane and weird: “A shadowy private security company that has no known clients but claims to have helped foreign governments combat terrorism and will protect anything from cruise ships to Pakistani convoys has taken over a jail in a small Montana town, with plans to build a law enforcement training facility on the property.” The company, American Police Force, is renting the fancy, new, and empty jail — a local politician recently offered to take Gitmo prisoners there, just to fill it up, bless his soul — and will invest many many millions to create a full War Facility. Just think of all the meth they can traffic! Ugh. [TPM]

 
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{ 177 comments }

RoscoePColtraine September 30, 2009 at 4:43 pm

Do you think they’ll make it into one of those boutique prisons?

Rev. Peter Lemonjello September 30, 2009 at 4:45 pm

Soooooooo, this is basically the Friendster version of Blackwater?

shortsshortsshorts September 30, 2009 at 4:47 pm

FEMAMAMA CAMPSASM!1

Crank Tango September 30, 2009 at 4:47 pm

WTF is a two-headed chicken doing wearing a crown?

Monsieur Grumpe September 30, 2009 at 4:48 pm
SayItWithWookies September 30, 2009 at 4:48 pm

Peterson, the Hardin official, says the controversy sparked last week when APF executives appeared in black SUVs marked “City Of Hardin Police Department” was a misunderstanding of an act of goodwill by the company.

Sure — how could a bunch of complete strangers armed to the teeth and arbitrarily announcing that they’re going to be your law enforcement be interpreted any other way?

Sussemilch September 30, 2009 at 4:49 pm

Montana, Montana, Glory of the West
Of all the states from coast to coast, You’re easily the best
Montana, Montana, Where torture is still legal
MONTANA, Montana you’re so regal.

Monsieur Grumpe September 30, 2009 at 4:50 pm
Thechansen September 30, 2009 at 4:50 pm

That emblem just screams White Values or White Power. Take your pick.

joezoo September 30, 2009 at 4:51 pm

One more step closer to OCP’s Delta City!

Paul Tardy September 30, 2009 at 4:52 pm

Isn’t the 2 headed eagle Roo Shan?

honkyman September 30, 2009 at 4:53 pm

[re=423771]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: You got something against the Second Amendment, faggot?

bureaucrap September 30, 2009 at 4:53 pm

To me this has “skoalrebel” written all over it; he must be the CEO.

Also, the emblem is not so much white power as faux-russian or faux-polish aristocracy. Double-headed eagle is VERY Romanov. Smells of the type of people who grew up in trailer parks but hang those english hunting lithographs all over their houses cuz they think its classy.

NYNYNY September 30, 2009 at 4:53 pm

Sweet, that’s the real logo:

“APF’s double-headed eagle coat of arms appears to be the same as Serbia’s Prince Aleksandar Karageorgevich”

Second choice, Just a dagger stuck into the center of a globe, with some banner reading like “In Veritas Thanatos”

Scruffy_The_Janitor September 30, 2009 at 4:53 pm

Team America World Police – Putting the F back in Free’ om

shadowMark September 30, 2009 at 4:53 pm

This is where they’re going to put Polanski. Just Polanski. He’ll be like Hess in Spandau.

Crank Tango September 30, 2009 at 4:54 pm

[re=423771]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: weapons: international only. I am glad they only sell weapons to foreigners, right?

V572625694 September 30, 2009 at 4:57 pm

It’s about time free enterprise got a fair shot at competing with socialist police forces and prison authorities. Now if they could take over the courts, there wouldn’t be any need for those messy “trials” and “appeals” with various low-life perps whining about their “constitutional rights.”

JMP September 30, 2009 at 4:57 pm

[re=423771]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: They also do spouse investigations. Just imagine the conversation, “honey, in case you are thinking of cheating on me, you should just know the company I’ve hired to keep tracks on you also sells nuclear bombs and anthrax”.

Click September 30, 2009 at 4:59 pm

[re=423767]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: oops, too many visitors, apparently.

grevillea September 30, 2009 at 5:00 pm

FAIL (the browser should render some flash content, not this).
FAIL (the browser should render some flash content, not this).

That’s what I get at the top of their homepage. Meta.

bitchincamaro September 30, 2009 at 5:00 pm

Bumper sticker spotted on the Mercedes SUV’s: My Other Car Is A Black Helicoptor

Liebestod September 30, 2009 at 5:00 pm
JeffGoldblum September 30, 2009 at 5:01 pm

This thing is fake, d00ds… Check out their application form and stuff, not to mention that they lifted their “seal” from the Serbian flag.

qwerty42 September 30, 2009 at 5:01 pm

[re=423772]Thechansen[/re]: according to the TPM article, it resembles the coat of arms of Prince Aleksandar Karageorgevich of Serbia. I thought they Karageorgevich dynasty was deposed by Tito after WW2. Double headed eagles are also used by the Romanovs of Russia and the Habsburgs of Austria(and Hungary). So maybe this is an opening gun in a new Balkan war. thrilling.

Moritzburg September 30, 2009 at 5:02 pm

A fancy jail in Montana is a magnificent place for security guards to drink vodka from one anothers’ anusus.

Joshua Norton September 30, 2009 at 5:02 pm

Why do they have the Serbian coat of arms on their logo? Do they specialize in assassinating Arch Dukes and starting World War I?

loquaciousmusic September 30, 2009 at 5:02 pm

[re=423783]shadowMark[/re]: Or like Tony in Spandau Ballet.

NYNYNY September 30, 2009 at 5:03 pm

[re=423771]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: I just busted out into laughter seeing that page. Holy shit. I’ll take one anthrax-spraying robot please. Have it sent to Tokyo, with the ‘On’ switch flipped. Yes, Mastercard. Yes, a legitimate intelligence agency, thanks.

Click September 30, 2009 at 5:04 pm

[re=423798]Liebestod[/re]: Is the right to bear Serbian Arms a first- or second ammendment right?

bitchincamaro September 30, 2009 at 5:05 pm

[re=423807]Joshua Norton[/re]: I have had a bottle of vodka with that logo on it.

Aloysius September 30, 2009 at 5:06 pm

Okay, seriously, guys. Where’s the frickin’ punchline? This looks more like a slick version of “REAL Ultimate Power: the Official Ninja Webpage” than any kind of legitimate business.

From the Miltary Advisors tab: “Our Military Advisors are elite agents and officers who were of the top 10% of their force, whether it was the CIA, FBI, Marines, Navy SEALS, or General Law Enforcement. Combined with our committed approach to satisfying our clients, we’re more than confident to say that we exceed our clients expectations and give each individual case the time and attention it takes to successfully complete the mission.”

Q: Which agencies do your people come from?
A: Oh, you know, all of them. Also.

Click September 30, 2009 at 5:06 pm

[re=423811]Click[/re]: -m

grevillea September 30, 2009 at 5:07 pm

[re=423798]Liebestod[/re]: The gummint’s ceded the jail site to Serbia so it can be used for extraordinary rendition. Big whoop. You durn libruls, why do you hate Amurca?.

JMP September 30, 2009 at 5:07 pm

From the article, and creepy:

“And where is American Police Force getting the money for this venture? Company spokeswoman Becky Shay — until about a week ago the Billings Gazette reporter covering APF — says they are no plans to answer that question. She did respond to a request for comment, except to shout “Hail Hydra! Cut off one limb, and two shall grow from its place!”

MC_Bob September 30, 2009 at 5:08 pm

OK, I’ve been to Hardin, MT (don’t ask)

Not exactly a garden spot, even by Eastern Montana standards.

Sweet Baby Cheeses September 30, 2009 at 5:08 pm

I LOVE PLAYIN COPS N ROBBERS!!1!1!eleventy!!

Catholics4Condoms September 30, 2009 at 5:09 pm

A crown and a 2-headed eagle? What is this the Austro-American Empire. I think Archduke Arnold von Schwarzenegger is behind this Anschluss.

Joshua Norton September 30, 2009 at 5:10 pm

So is this who the RNC is going to hire to take out Obama?

Sweet Baby Cheeses September 30, 2009 at 5:10 pm

I think Dick Cheney might just be taking a vacation in Montana.

Extemporanus September 30, 2009 at 5:11 pm

[re=423765]Crank Tango[/re]: Keep fucking that two-headed chicken, American Police Force!

Paul Tardy September 30, 2009 at 5:11 pm

New Dept of Ag symbol is a 2 headed cow. Coincidence I think not.

Click September 30, 2009 at 5:12 pm

[re=423819]MC_Bob[/re]: Did you ever come across any Hardin criminals?

RoscoePColtraine September 30, 2009 at 5:12 pm

[re=423789]V572625694[/re]: Just think of the jobs created. All of the police and prison guards working for the state, will need to be trained by somebody to be police and prison guards working for the private company. WIN!

Sussemilch September 30, 2009 at 5:13 pm

[re=423793]Click[/re]: “American Police Force (APF) offers the world’s finest products and services to the military, police, and security professionals. We present to you our comprehensive product category list:

- Nuclear/Biological/Chemical (WMD).”

Neoyorquino September 30, 2009 at 5:13 pm

American Police Force, Fuck Yeah! Comin’ again to save the motherfuckin’ day, Yeah. Also — a little known but interesting fact: mutations like two-headed eagles are believed to be caused by pollution from rainwater runoff contaminated by saliva and flavored dip.

SayItWithWookies September 30, 2009 at 5:14 pm

Oh, this is just to-the-ears crazy — and a nice pic of the “City of Hardin Police Department” logo too:
http://www.rumormillnews.com/cgi-bin/forum.cgi?read=156941

shortsshortsshorts September 30, 2009 at 5:14 pm

[re=423771]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: OH FUCK YA. Every home should have everything on that list. The second amendment demands it.

V572625694 September 30, 2009 at 5:14 pm

[re=423771]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: They’re talking about defense against nuclear, biological and chemical weapons of mass (or individual) destruction, I hope. It’s common parlance in the socialist US Army.

NYNYNY September 30, 2009 at 5:15 pm

This is an awesome hoax. They have everyone reporting it. Awesome… from cbsnews.com -

“Pretty looking police car, ain’t it?” Hardin resident Leroy Frickle, 67, said as he eyed one of the vehicles parked in front of a bed and breakfast where Hilton and other company representatives were staying. “The things you hear about this American Police, I don’t know what to think.”

Monsieur Grumpe September 30, 2009 at 5:16 pm

[re=423800]JeffGoldblum[/re]:
Yeah. It has got to fake. But I sent them my resume anyway.

slappypaddy September 30, 2009 at 5:21 pm

yer fuckin kiddin me. yer juss fuckin kiddin me.

them birdies on that picture, them’s the psycho-chickens, quest que cest.

this country has gone mad. mad, i tell you!

qwerty42 September 30, 2009 at 5:25 pm

[re=423835]SayItWithWookies[/re]: WTF???
following the link I get:
APF: SERBIAN MERCENARIES WITH POSSIBLE TIES BACK TO BYZANTINE EMPIRE RULING DYNASTY

jayzus.

PoetryMan September 30, 2009 at 5:28 pm

…and if you can find them, maybe you can hire… The AMERICAN POLICE FORCE.

LakeTrout September 30, 2009 at 5:31 pm

I don’t know if it’s fake or not, but Montana Public Radio reported on it this morning.

Sharkey September 30, 2009 at 5:31 pm

“You will work on highly sophisticated projects and advanced technology known to man.” I would hope so! Is this advanced tech known to cats, too?

Sharkey September 30, 2009 at 5:37 pm

http://www.americanpolicegroup.com/check.html

Holy crow on a cracker! Even if it is fake…

Dr. Spaceman September 30, 2009 at 5:39 pm

“Hey Joe-Bob, we need a fuckin’ symbol, and make it something badass, like a two-headed eagle, or a falcon with a flamethrower.”

One google later…

Accordion-o-rama September 30, 2009 at 5:41 pm

Two eagles, one cupola.

user-of-owls September 30, 2009 at 5:41 pm

So, now we know:

Neilist’s first name is Slobodan.

problemwithcaring September 30, 2009 at 5:43 pm

[re=423864]Sharkey[/re]: http://www.americanpolicegroup.com/advisor.html

Their military advisors all look like B-movie characters played by Rip Torn. This has to be fake.

user-of-owls September 30, 2009 at 5:44 pm

[re=423771]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: Fancy name for duct tape.

taylormattd September 30, 2009 at 5:47 pm

Fucking yikes:

http://www.americanpolicegroup.com/apf_international_operations.html

Really?? I’d rather they hire the dudes from HALO.

Suds McKenzie September 30, 2009 at 5:47 pm

needs more “Hidden Liar”.

All Hail Satin!!1!

Crank Tango September 30, 2009 at 5:48 pm

[re=423828]Extemporanus[/re]: LOL

What I am wondering is how much crazy shit is this company gonna get max baucus to support in the senate?

Marquis de Villers-St-Paul September 30, 2009 at 5:58 pm

More than one head per bird is un-American. This is way too Byzantine. There must be one of them OBAMA’S CZARS behind all this.

sprankles September 30, 2009 at 6:08 pm

[re=423767]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]:We predominantly offer effective solutions to the United States Government

I really hope John L. Perry doesn’t find out about these guys

qaf September 30, 2009 at 6:11 pm

[re=423873]problemwithcaring[/re]: I’ll say. Even Rip Torn doesn’t look like Rip Torn anymore.

user-of-owls September 30, 2009 at 6:12 pm

[re=423883]Crank Tango[/re]: I think the first thing they’re gonna want is a tax break on proofreading.

If we didn’t have competitors we’d be incompetent & unattentative

For instances, as a condition of extradition…

Kidknapping and Ransom…

Snarkalicious September 30, 2009 at 6:25 pm

[re=423807]Joshua Norton[/re]: Yeah, the fuckin style biters. I’m callin my lawyer.

desertwind September 30, 2009 at 6:33 pm

B Movie all the way, baby!

Or an awesome fraud.

Or both!

Snarkalicious September 30, 2009 at 6:34 pm

One of the testimonials on the Careers page really has me sold:

“…If you would like to Email Your Resume to APF please click on the link and send it to us with a brief description of your experience and skills …”

I’m sorry, I’m just too choked up to go on.

BeWoot September 30, 2009 at 6:37 pm

[re=423767]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: You know, I’ve been looking for a job and these guys seem like my kind of people. Plus, “…APF offers their employees wonderful opportunities to travel the world and meet new people and cultures…..”

Advocatus_Diaboli September 30, 2009 at 6:41 pm

I really hope this is the first of the many re-education camps that Michele Bachmann promised.

steve September 30, 2009 at 6:41 pm

their web-site says they can do covert pregnancy testing and photos of unknown subjects – how the hell do you do the first and why the hell would you want photos of things you can’t identify?

bago September 30, 2009 at 6:44 pm

Lookout! I’m going to be in DC for the next two months. Is there anything fun to do?

jasper f. krone September 30, 2009 at 6:48 pm

[re=423864]Sharkey[/re]: I love “Covert Pregnancy Testing”

“hello, APF? Yes, I’d like you to sneak into my wife’s uterus under cover of darkness, or maybe with some concussion grenades, and determine whether she’s pregnant. Oh? Really? You can stealthily poke a catheter into her bladder while she sleeps? Even better!”

grevillea September 30, 2009 at 6:48 pm

[re=423926]BeWoot[/re]: “…and annihilate them.”

hockeymom September 30, 2009 at 6:50 pm

Is this an elaborate Funny or Die sketch?

jasper f. krone September 30, 2009 at 6:57 pm

Oh, man! You guys broke it. “Careers” and “Int’l Relations” are both 503 now.

grevillea September 30, 2009 at 6:57 pm

[re=423928]steve[/re]: “Such a funny thing happened at work today, honey. I went to the ladies’ room and there was a strange, heavy-set man in there with a shaved head. He said all the toilets were broken and gave me a plastic potty to use. And insisted I let him empty it! How was your day?”

widget09 September 30, 2009 at 6:59 pm

Simple, the two headed birds represent the double headed dildos that the “police force?” in Kabul were using on each other before they did shots of ass Vodka.

steve September 30, 2009 at 7:13 pm

grevillea: sorry but that’s not covert as any cheating spouse would be well aware of the old broken toilet ploy -its been used for centuries by private eyes and those desiring golden showers without the entanglement of getting to know the provider of the gold.

Jim89048 September 30, 2009 at 7:16 pm

“Our experienced staff consists of highly experienced former law enforcement officers.”
So they’re either too old ie: retired or too rogue to make it in the real police forces? Scares me, I tell you what…

blinky_twinkie September 30, 2009 at 7:24 pm

[re=423937]jasper f. krone[/re]: It’s back up again, and check out the new logo, down near the bottom of the page. http://www.americanpolicegroup.com/ No more His Highness the Prince Sacred Chicken the Gay White Blade of Serbia.

Zorg September 30, 2009 at 7:24 pm

Let’s see, a royal crown over a double-headed eagle, quartered escutcheon, field gules, two fleur-de-lys… I believe that is the heraldic insignia of the Duke of Earl!

steve September 30, 2009 at 7:28 pm

okay, what’s with the Bolero – now when I go to their web-site all I want to do is cheat on my spouse after hearing that – it’s entrapment I tell ya.

Neilist September 30, 2009 at 7:28 pm

[re=423870]user-of-owls[/re]: I, for one, welcome our new Two-headed, Crown-wearing Scrawny Chicken Overloads.

(And Slobodan only works for me. He’s head of my Human Resources Department. Seemed a natural fit, eh what?)

doxastic September 30, 2009 at 7:37 pm

Their prison-buying and Mercedes-driving says “evil international syndicate” but their graphics say “paying with bad checks”

Sharkey September 30, 2009 at 7:42 pm

[re=423932]jasper f. krone[/re]: The really scary part’s at the bottom of the page. “APF can get you results, and will talk with you for a free private investigator consultation and action plan to stop the cheater…” That’s where the guns come in, right?

(Also, note the somewhat lacking grammar.)

chascates September 30, 2009 at 7:43 pm

Erik Prince branches out.

Min September 30, 2009 at 7:44 pm

I believe that I have seen this movie. It doesn’t end well for Montana.

Jim89048 September 30, 2009 at 7:45 pm

[re=423977]chascates[/re]: Xe-Rah, no doubt.

doloras September 30, 2009 at 7:51 pm

[re=423960]blinky_twinkie[/re]: No, that’s the arms of the Tsars of Russia! It’s a Slavo-monarchist conspiracy.

Jukesgrrl September 30, 2009 at 7:52 pm

I’ll believe this when I hear it from Mister T. In the meantime, I pity the fool who’s buying a covert pregnancy test.

assistant/atlas September 30, 2009 at 7:52 pm

Wait….this has to be some elaborate fake skit…thing… for …. something…? I dunno, I’m starting to think maybe the entire town of Hardin, Montana is fake.

Crank Tango September 30, 2009 at 7:56 pm

[re=423978]Min[/re]: i think they deserve whatever they get, since they gave us “max” baucus.

facehead September 30, 2009 at 7:58 pm

I’m still not over the whole “WONKERINE!!!” thing from the other thread.

Whoever came up with that can bag my tea any day.

jesusbutter September 30, 2009 at 8:16 pm

“Semen Testing”? For what?

SparkleKitty September 30, 2009 at 8:25 pm

Can we put Palin, Beck, Bachman, O’Reilly, and Michael Weener “Savage” there, already? If not, I’m not concerned.

Count Spatula September 30, 2009 at 8:26 pm

I’m as left as anyone, but what is the point of this site? …to write unrestrained, bitchy remarks about everything? How did this site ever get name-recognition?

Click September 30, 2009 at 8:28 pm

[re=424003]Count Spatula[/re]: Great. A kitchen utensil comes to share his story.

Click September 30, 2009 at 8:30 pm

[re=424003]Count Spatula[/re]: If I were unrestrained I would have told you to suck my dick.

RoscoePColtraine September 30, 2009 at 8:32 pm

[re=424003]Count Spatula[/re]: Wonkette is, admittedly, not for everyone. And (I think I speak for the majority here) we like it that way. Off you go.

Neilist September 30, 2009 at 8:33 pm

[re=424003]Count Spatula[/re]: “How did this ste ever get name-recognition”?

Two words, my dear Count. Two words.

“Buttsex.”

Well, okay, one word. But who’s Count-ing?

shadowMark September 30, 2009 at 8:36 pm

[re=424003]Count Spatula[/re]: [re=424009]Neilist[/re]:

Unbound, not unrestrained.

Three words: Bags of dicks.

Crank Tango September 30, 2009 at 8:36 pm

[re=424003]Count Spatula[/re]: I call bullshit.
1. You’re not as left as anyone
2. Your’re not a count
3. You’re not a spatula, but you are a tool

gradgrind September 30, 2009 at 8:38 pm

[re=423999]jesusbutter[/re]: Standardized testing, to find out whether your semen can get admitted to a top-tier kollidge.

Browsing just got scary. Looks like some style crimes are punishable by a forced march to the Hair Cuttery: http://www.americanpolicegroup.com/kidknapping.html

Seriously, the website is sorrier than a cheezburger cat’s. The APF’s crack graphics team would appear to be a gang of 10-year-old Serbians from a rival tribe who’ve been chained to their work stations.

Crank Tango September 30, 2009 at 8:39 pm

[re=424013]Crank Tango[/re]:
2bis. I’m’s a shitty proofreader.

oldguy September 30, 2009 at 8:40 pm

Wherever that two-headed chicken is from, English isn’t the primary language, although the “all by its lonesome” is a quaint touch. Truly odd stuff.

“Infidelity, Adultery, Cheating, and being unfaithful might all have a different definition in your mind but at APF its a category all by its lonesome. Married husbands and wives will typically call untrustworthy loved ones adultery or infidelity. In the non-marital relationships its commonly known as cheating and we can help you figure out what’s really going on.”

“Wonkette – Unrestrained Bitchy Remarks About Everything.” It’s got a nice ring to it. T-shirts? Signet rings?

the problem child September 30, 2009 at 8:41 pm

[re=423999]jesusbutter[/re]: Sperm?

gradgrind September 30, 2009 at 8:41 pm

[re=424003]Count Spatula[/re]: Editing error: You’re as left OUT as anyone. And I think I see another error — the extra letter in your first name, maybe? No need to thank me. Buh-bye!

oldguy September 30, 2009 at 8:45 pm

APF draws upon their vast global network of highly ranked officers and government officials providing private investigative services unparalelled to any operation in the industry worldwide. Their vast network of senior government officials both domestic and international, combined with their former law enforcement colleagues and current workforce, APF is considered the best global special taskforce team in the industry.

This has got to be a joke.

And the pictures are just too goofy:

http://www.americanpolicegroup.com/kidknapping.html

RoscoePColtraine September 30, 2009 at 8:50 pm

[re=424020]oldguy[/re]: Yes, one of the graphics features a Boeing 707 which as you may recall was featured in the movie “Airport” (1970) starring Helen Hayes. Nothing is too state of the art for these guys!

Click September 30, 2009 at 8:50 pm

[re=424018]the problem child[/re]: It’s a laboratory analysis confirming that your sperm are healthy. You know what mitochondriacs they can be.

Crank Tango September 30, 2009 at 9:02 pm

[re=424025]Click[/re]: mitochondriacs…I’m double helixed over here with laughter. But what I want to know is, who does the taste testing?

Click September 30, 2009 at 9:08 pm

[re=424031]Crank Tango[/re]: That reminds me, when my ex-husband had a vasectomy, his doctor told him that his semen would still taste the same. Seriously.

grevillea September 30, 2009 at 9:15 pm

[re=424035]Click[/re]: Well? Don’t leave us all in suspense!

Dashboard_Buddha September 30, 2009 at 9:17 pm

Some kind of promotion?

Click September 30, 2009 at 9:18 pm

[re=424040]grevillea[/re]: I told his doctor I found that claim rather hard to swallow.

Flanders September 30, 2009 at 9:18 pm

[re=424016]oldguy[/re]: skoalrebel can help us design our signet rings!

Flanders September 30, 2009 at 9:22 pm

[re=423864]Sharkey[/re]:
That looks more like incest than adultery going on there.

NYNYNY September 30, 2009 at 9:25 pm

[re=424003]Count Spatula[/re]: Count Spatula, of Montenegro? I see. (Could I send my resume directly to you? I hear the website is getting swamped. I totally agree wonkette sux ass)

hobospacejunkie September 30, 2009 at 9:29 pm

@Count Spatula: Just how left is “anyone?” Further left than Mackenzie Phillips? She fucked her daddy. That’s pretty fuckin’ far left, don’t you think? Peanut butter jelly time! Peanut butter jelly time!

ph7 September 30, 2009 at 9:30 pm

Would you trust your WMD handling to a company that registers their website through godaddy.com?

http://whois.org/whois/americanpolicegroup.com

Autochthon September 30, 2009 at 9:34 pm

“By my hand and for the good of the state…”

Gallowglass September 30, 2009 at 9:36 pm

What’s up with putting the Austro-Hungarian Imperial Crest on their logo? They some kind of euro-fags?

jasper f. krone September 30, 2009 at 9:41 pm

Okay, so we’re all agreed: Skoalrebel is actually Steve Albini, and American Police Force is? What? Firesign Theatre? Beyond the Fringe? The Rutles?

ElRat September 30, 2009 at 9:42 pm

Delusions of grandeur mixed with an odd fetish for semen and weapons =

Psych Test : Fail.

imissopus September 30, 2009 at 9:45 pm

What fucking morning zoo crew is trying to pull this stunt? Didn’t those guys all die off in the early 90s?

[re=424003]Count Spatula[/re]: The answer to your second question is yes. Or rather, YES you dumb shit.

Darkness September 30, 2009 at 9:53 pm

[re=424003]Count Spatula[/re]: This is like your first taste of straight tequila or say, sea urchin roe. A little hard to swallow, yet alone imagine anyone cultivating a taste for it. But once you do, nothing else quite hits the spot.

Crank Tango September 30, 2009 at 9:57 pm

[re=424035]Click[/re]: wow. and? and so the taste component of the semen has nothing to do with the, er, protein? and how did the dr know how it tasted to begin with?

Darkness September 30, 2009 at 9:58 pm

[re=424059]jasper f. krone[/re]: dang! I always thought it was FireSIDE theatre. Which actually made some fucking sense. What the hell is a Firesign? Is this like Emergency Exit, Alarm Will Sound Theatre?

NYNYNY September 30, 2009 at 10:01 pm

APF shares address with Medical Marijuana Dispensary… these guys are going apeshit with research:

http://www.stealthfusion.com/forum/research/6176-dossier-american-police-force.html

Crank Tango September 30, 2009 at 10:04 pm

[re=424066]Darkness[/re]: but seriously, one would have to be a total pussy or an “americoserbian police force” representative to pick this thread to be the one to bitch on. I mean seriously.

and [re=424062]imissopus[/re]: I think one of them went to the biggest zoo of them all…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AJkxBLgd5Hs

no gimmicks, just a couple o’ dudes stirring each other’s coffee, like dudes.

Click September 30, 2009 at 10:05 pm

[re=424067]Crank Tango[/re]: A question I wasn’t prepared to ask.

balsa_wood September 30, 2009 at 10:11 pm

Okay, the website. Bolero?

Bolero?!?

This has to be a hoax. The Yes Men, maybe?

Crank Tango September 30, 2009 at 10:13 pm

[re=424077]Click[/re]: well I hope he is doing well in life, with his same-tasting yet ineffectual semen, and that you have developed better, er, taste in men since.

RoscoePColtraine September 30, 2009 at 10:22 pm

[re=424067]Crank Tango[/re]: Pineapple juice.

Crank Tango September 30, 2009 at 10:26 pm

[re=424095]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: I eat a lot of cinnamon, cuz it’s easier to integrate into my diet than pineapple or celery. not sure how it works out tho. Will have to send a jar to APF and see what they think.

the problem child September 30, 2009 at 10:27 pm

[re=424073]NYNYNY[/re]: Could that be because it is a Mail Boxes Etc.?

chascates September 30, 2009 at 10:33 pm

Count Chockula, meet David Denby.

the problem child September 30, 2009 at 10:33 pm

I’m not sure about hoax. Fishy, to be sure. And I don’t mean tuna twats: http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=102×4084842

Thegreatbacon September 30, 2009 at 10:52 pm

I’m surprised nobody thinks this is just a blown cover for a CIA training facility. When they throw up an operations front, they probably do exactly this — make a dumb copy/paste website with a image search crest for the symbol, and then try to keep the whole thing a secret in the only way spooks know how — scaring the heck out of the locals with their black SUVs and crazy “I’m just your local police (nothing to see here)” decals. This sounds more like dumb, real government, and less like shadow government. But it would be totally cool if it were shadow governnment, and on the first of their ‘Ten Steps to World Domination’ they get caught in a media storm before they even establish a base. If there were a shadow goverment, this is totally how they would fail — cover blown by Montana local news.

Crank Tango September 30, 2009 at 11:08 pm

[re=424108]the problem child[/re]: kaiser soze?

jasper f. krone September 30, 2009 at 11:14 pm

[re=424068]Darkness[/re]: Here’s the dish; it’s an astrological referece:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Firesign_Theatre#Formation

My mom inherited me all her FT vinyl, along with the Second City vinyl and her New Trier HS choir recordings. All my dad gave me was an original 10″ of “The Ballad of Tom Joad”and a numbered White Album (#0714404). Dammit.

Johnny Zhivago September 30, 2009 at 11:15 pm

[re=424020]oldguy[/re]: Hey that picture is in the wrong section! It’s supposed to be under “Contract Executions”

http://www.americanpolicegroup.com/kidknapping.html

jasper f. krone September 30, 2009 at 11:21 pm

[re=424140]jasper f. krone[/re]: stupid. refereNce. with an “n”.

jasper f. krone September 30, 2009 at 11:25 pm

Oh, I see. We’re on Back Alley Furries now. Nevermind.

Darkness September 30, 2009 at 11:27 pm

[re=424140]jasper f. krone[/re]: Lucky dog. I’ve had to buy my own full collection of The Shadow. The only urge I’ve ever had to write slash is to end that frustrating platonic schtick between Margo and the Shadow, you know, with him invisible. Oh, the kink!

[re=424076]Crank Tango[/re]: I always go with the “never attribute to malice what can be explained with sheer incompetence . . ” or however that goes. On the other hand, once one understands Wonkette, EVERYTHING should be attributed to malice.

Johnny Zhivago September 30, 2009 at 11:28 pm

I like this company’s full spectrum of services:

– Supertanker protection
– Nuclear device handling
– Military convoy escort
– Cub scout merit badge instruction

Johnny Zhivago September 30, 2009 at 11:36 pm

[re=424049]ph7[/re]: If you check further, you will see the site is also ACTUALLY HOSTED by GoDaddy, probably their $2.95/month special package.

For the non-webmasters here, this is often an indication that the site was set up by an idiot.

Crank Tango September 30, 2009 at 11:42 pm

[re=424154]Darkness[/re]: it’s like “gee, I’m a total libtard, and that must be true because I just said it, and sure this thread is all full of jokes about this stupid fake army guy thing, but boo hoo you people are mean and I’m just not getting it.”

President Beeblebrox September 30, 2009 at 11:43 pm

I, for one, welcome our new Balkan overlords.

Само слога Србина спасава!

bynrdskynrd September 30, 2009 at 11:45 pm

These guys scared the shit out of Alex Jones’ last night( I work graveyard and have streaming internet on my phone–I’m bored), and all I heard is NObAMAz fema KILLz KillZ…Rumor has it they wanted to RFID the People’s guns. Also

jasper f. krone September 30, 2009 at 11:47 pm

[re=424154]Darkness[/re]: No anchovies? You’ve got the wrong man.

ellie September 30, 2009 at 11:48 pm

I read that as “Evil PIRATE Security Forces.” Which would totally be cool.

Darkness September 30, 2009 at 11:58 pm

[re=424176]Crank Tango[/re]: This is a tougher than average thread to cut one’s Wonketteeth on, you must admit. The thread topic post is for once, truthfully weirder than the cranked up ones that otherwise fill it.

[re=424182]jasper f. krone[/re]: I always have the wrong man. It’s the Aspergers.

Zorg October 1, 2009 at 12:33 am

[re=424003]Count Spatula[/re]: Count Spatula walks into a bar and introduces himself to the bartender. In reply, the bartender asks, “So, why the long handle?”

iburl October 1, 2009 at 12:37 am

“Because of the apparent secretiveness of this, it gives the far right and far left to come up with all kinds of ideas. That’s why I’d like to see some clarification,” Ebinger says.

Only people on the FAR ends of the political spectrum with their crazy conspiracy theories, why can’t they be more accepting of the simple truth of “you’re not cleared for that”.

Zorg October 1, 2009 at 2:15 am

Wonkette must research whether the person who created this fictitious entity went to school with Dr. Orly Taitz. They both operate out of Orange County, California towns. In fact, Dr. Dimitri Sirakoff, DO and Dr. Orly Taitz, DDS, JD may be the same person! Sheeple, this could be huge!

Captain Swing October 1, 2009 at 3:54 am

Uncovered at last- Mitt Romney’s not-so-secret Waffen SS training facility.

So, you thought he’d just slink off into oblivion after WALNUTS! whipped him, tail between his legs and towser strapped to the roof of the SUV… Noooooo.

He’s still out there folks, packin’ serious heat and counting down… and he’s NOT HAPPY.

zhubajie October 1, 2009 at 5:24 am

So will they be a bunch of Protestant Fundamentalists?

zhubajie October 1, 2009 at 5:25 am

[re=423776]Paul Tardy[/re]: Byzantine Empire.

teebob2000 October 1, 2009 at 8:26 am

[re=424140]jasper f. krone[/re]: And what — no National Lampoon albums?? Elitist.

vladster October 1, 2009 at 8:54 am

Big Iron, Big Iron.
All those hansome rangers
with their big irons on their hips.
De-lish

Monsieur Grumpe October 1, 2009 at 9:05 am

[re=423999]jesusbutter[/re]:
Taste?

house of the blue lights October 1, 2009 at 10:01 am

Got to be a PR site for an upcoming movie or TV show.

oldguy October 1, 2009 at 10:07 am

Where was this first reported, Onion News?

Monsieur Grumpe October 1, 2009 at 10:09 am
thefrontpage October 1, 2009 at 10:41 am

People:

American Police Force is the corrections start-up company headed by Mark Foley and Jim McGreevey.

Click October 1, 2009 at 11:10 am

[re=424183]ellie[/re]: Avast, ye matey, before reading your post, so did I.

blinky_twinkie October 1, 2009 at 1:06 pm

[re=424355]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: Hilton, 55, uses the title “captain” when introducing himself and on his business cards. But he acknowledged it was not a military rank.

Hello, I’m General Blinky_Twinkie. It’s not a military rank.

Flanders October 1, 2009 at 1:50 pm

[re=424059]jasper f. krone[/re]: Firesign Theatre! +1

Zorg October 1, 2009 at 2:22 pm

From another news story: Michael Hilton is a native of Montenegro who became a naturalized US citizen. Aliases for Hilton that appear in court documents include Miodrag Dokovich, Michael Hamilton, Hristian Djokich and Michael Djokovich. So, I guess we can say the Djokich is on Hardin. Or not.

AnSnarkist October 1, 2009 at 3:30 pm

[re=423984]assistant/atlas[/re]: I’m starting to think the whole state of Montana is fake.

LakeTrout October 1, 2009 at 3:47 pm

[re=424979]AnSnarkist[/re]: I assure you it’s not. But we do seem to have more than our fair share of teh crazee.
And Hardin is a very small town full of gullible rednecks and drunk indians who watch fox news while making meth.

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