sure why not

Fancy Montana Jail Taken Over By Evil Private Security Force

FUCK YEAHThis is insane and weird: “A shadowy private security company that has no known clients but claims to have helped foreign governments combat terrorism and will protect anything from cruise ships to Pakistani convoys has taken over a jail in a small Montana town, with plans to build a law enforcement training facility on the property.” The company, American Police Force, is renting the fancy, new, and empty jail — a local politician recently offered to take Gitmo prisoners there, just to fill it up, bless his soul — and will invest many many millions to create a full War Facility. Just think of all the meth they can traffic! Ugh. [TPM]

About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

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  1. SayItWithWookies

    Peterson, the Hardin official, says the controversy sparked last week when APF executives appeared in black SUVs marked “City Of Hardin Police Department” was a misunderstanding of an act of goodwill by the company.

    Sure — how could a bunch of complete strangers armed to the teeth and arbitrarily announcing that they’re going to be your law enforcement be interpreted any other way?

  2. Sussemilch

    Montana, Montana, Glory of the West
    Of all the states from coast to coast, You’re easily the best
    Montana, Montana, Where torture is still legal
    MONTANA, Montana you’re so regal.

  3. bureaucrap

    To me this has “skoalrebel” written all over it; he must be the CEO.

    Also, the emblem is not so much white power as faux-russian or faux-polish aristocracy. Double-headed eagle is VERY Romanov. Smells of the type of people who grew up in trailer parks but hang those english hunting lithographs all over their houses cuz they think its classy.


    Sweet, that’s the real logo:

    “APF’s double-headed eagle coat of arms appears to be the same as Serbia’s Prince Aleksandar Karageorgevich”

    Second choice, Just a dagger stuck into the center of a globe, with some banner reading like “In Veritas Thanatos”

  5. Crank Tango

    [re=423771]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: weapons: international only. I am glad they only sell weapons to foreigners, right?

  6. V572625694

    It’s about time free enterprise got a fair shot at competing with socialist police forces and prison authorities. Now if they could take over the courts, there wouldn’t be any need for those messy “trials” and “appeals” with various low-life perps whining about their “constitutional rights.”

  7. JMP

    [re=423771]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: They also do spouse investigations. Just imagine the conversation, “honey, in case you are thinking of cheating on me, you should just know the company I’ve hired to keep tracks on you also sells nuclear bombs and anthrax”.

  8. grevillea

    FAIL (the browser should render some flash content, not this).
    FAIL (the browser should render some flash content, not this).

    That’s what I get at the top of their homepage. Meta.

  9. JeffGoldblum

    This thing is fake, d00ds… Check out their application form and stuff, not to mention that they lifted their “seal” from the Serbian flag.

  10. qwerty42

    [re=423772]Thechansen[/re]: according to the TPM article, it resembles the coat of arms of Prince Aleksandar Karageorgevich of Serbia. I thought they Karageorgevich dynasty was deposed by Tito after WW2. Double headed eagles are also used by the Romanovs of Russia and the Habsburgs of Austria(and Hungary). So maybe this is an opening gun in a new Balkan war. thrilling.

  11. Moritzburg

    A fancy jail in Montana is a magnificent place for security guards to drink vodka from one anothers’ anusus.

  12. Joshua Norton

    Why do they have the Serbian coat of arms on their logo? Do they specialize in assassinating Arch Dukes and starting World War I?

  13. NYNYNY

    [re=423771]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: I just busted out into laughter seeing that page. Holy shit. I’ll take one anthrax-spraying robot please. Have it sent to Tokyo, with the ‘On’ switch flipped. Yes, Mastercard. Yes, a legitimate intelligence agency, thanks.

  14. Aloysius

    Okay, seriously, guys. Where’s the frickin’ punchline? This looks more like a slick version of “REAL Ultimate Power: the Official Ninja Webpage” than any kind of legitimate business.

    From the Miltary Advisors tab: “Our Military Advisors are elite agents and officers who were of the top 10% of their force, whether it was the CIA, FBI, Marines, Navy SEALS, or General Law Enforcement. Combined with our committed approach to satisfying our clients, we’re more than confident to say that we exceed our clients expectations and give each individual case the time and attention it takes to successfully complete the mission.”

    Q: Which agencies do your people come from?
    A: Oh, you know, all of them. Also.

  15. grevillea

    [re=423798]Liebestod[/re]: The gummint’s ceded the jail site to Serbia so it can be used for extraordinary rendition. Big whoop. You durn libruls, why do you hate Amurca?.

  16. JMP

    From the article, and creepy:

    “And where is American Police Force getting the money for this venture? Company spokeswoman Becky Shay — until about a week ago the Billings Gazette reporter covering APF — says they are no plans to answer that question. She did respond to a request for comment, except to shout “Hail Hydra! Cut off one limb, and two shall grow from its place!”

  17. Catholics4Condoms

    A crown and a 2-headed eagle? What is this the Austro-American Empire. I think Archduke Arnold von Schwarzenegger is behind this Anschluss.

  18. RoscoePColtraine

    [re=423789]V572625694[/re]: Just think of the jobs created. All of the police and prison guards working for the state, will need to be trained by somebody to be police and prison guards working for the private company. WIN!

  19. Sussemilch

    [re=423793]Click[/re]: “American Police Force (APF) offers the world’s finest products and services to the military, police, and security professionals. We present to you our comprehensive product category list:

    – Nuclear/Biological/Chemical (WMD).”

  20. Neoyorquino

    American Police Force, Fuck Yeah! Comin’ again to save the motherfuckin’ day, Yeah. Also — a little known but interesting fact: mutations like two-headed eagles are believed to be caused by pollution from rainwater runoff contaminated by saliva and flavored dip.

  21. shortsshortsshorts

    [re=423771]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: OH FUCK YA. Every home should have everything on that list. The second amendment demands it.

  22. V572625694

    [re=423771]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: They’re talking about defense against nuclear, biological and chemical weapons of mass (or individual) destruction, I hope. It’s common parlance in the socialist US Army.

  23. NYNYNY

    This is an awesome hoax. They have everyone reporting it. Awesome… from –

    “Pretty looking police car, ain’t it?” Hardin resident Leroy Frickle, 67, said as he eyed one of the vehicles parked in front of a bed and breakfast where Hilton and other company representatives were staying. “The things you hear about this American Police, I don’t know what to think.”

  24. slappypaddy

    yer fuckin kiddin me. yer juss fuckin kiddin me.

    them birdies on that picture, them’s the psycho-chickens, quest que cest.

    this country has gone mad. mad, i tell you!

  25. qwerty42

    [re=423835]SayItWithWookies[/re]: WTF???
    following the link I get:


  26. Sharkey

    “You will work on highly sophisticated projects and advanced technology known to man.” I would hope so! Is this advanced tech known to cats, too?

  27. Dr. Spaceman

    “Hey Joe-Bob, we need a fuckin’ symbol, and make it something badass, like a two-headed eagle, or a falcon with a flamethrower.”

    One google later…

  28. Crank Tango

    [re=423828]Extemporanus[/re]: LOL

    What I am wondering is how much crazy shit is this company gonna get max baucus to support in the senate?

  29. Marquis de Villers-St-Paul

    More than one head per bird is un-American. This is way too Byzantine. There must be one of them OBAMA’S CZARS behind all this.

  30. sprankles

    [re=423767]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]:We predominantly offer effective solutions to the United States Government

    I really hope John L. Perry doesn’t find out about these guys

  31. user-of-owls

    [re=423883]Crank Tango[/re]: I think the first thing they’re gonna want is a tax break on proofreading.

    If we didn’t have competitors we’d be incompetent & unattentative

    For instances, as a condition of extradition…

    Kidknapping and Ransom…

  32. Snarkalicious

    One of the testimonials on the Careers page really has me sold:

    “…If you would like to Email Your Resume to APF please click on the link and send it to us with a brief description of your experience and skills …”

    I’m sorry, I’m just too choked up to go on.

  33. BeWoot

    [re=423767]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: You know, I’ve been looking for a job and these guys seem like my kind of people. Plus, “…APF offers their employees wonderful opportunities to travel the world and meet new people and cultures…..”

  34. steve

    their web-site says they can do covert pregnancy testing and photos of unknown subjects – how the hell do you do the first and why the hell would you want photos of things you can’t identify?

  35. jasper f. krone

    [re=423864]Sharkey[/re]: I love “Covert Pregnancy Testing”

    “hello, APF? Yes, I’d like you to sneak into my wife’s uterus under cover of darkness, or maybe with some concussion grenades, and determine whether she’s pregnant. Oh? Really? You can stealthily poke a catheter into her bladder while she sleeps? Even better!”

  36. grevillea

    [re=423928]steve[/re]: “Such a funny thing happened at work today, honey. I went to the ladies’ room and there was a strange, heavy-set man in there with a shaved head. He said all the toilets were broken and gave me a plastic potty to use. And insisted I let him empty it! How was your day?”

  37. widget09

    Simple, the two headed birds represent the double headed dildos that the “police force?” in Kabul were using on each other before they did shots of ass Vodka.

  38. steve

    grevillea: sorry but that’s not covert as any cheating spouse would be well aware of the old broken toilet ploy -its been used for centuries by private eyes and those desiring golden showers without the entanglement of getting to know the provider of the gold.

  39. Jim89048

    “Our experienced staff consists of highly experienced former law enforcement officers.”
    So they’re either too old ie: retired or too rogue to make it in the real police forces? Scares me, I tell you what…

  40. Zorg

    Let’s see, a royal crown over a double-headed eagle, quartered escutcheon, field gules, two fleur-de-lys… I believe that is the heraldic insignia of the Duke of Earl!

  41. steve

    okay, what’s with the Bolero – now when I go to their web-site all I want to do is cheat on my spouse after hearing that – it’s entrapment I tell ya.

  42. Neilist

    [re=423870]user-of-owls[/re]: I, for one, welcome our new Two-headed, Crown-wearing Scrawny Chicken Overloads.

    (And Slobodan only works for me. He’s head of my Human Resources Department. Seemed a natural fit, eh what?)

  43. doxastic

    Their prison-buying and Mercedes-driving says “evil international syndicate” but their graphics say “paying with bad checks”

  44. Sharkey

    [re=423932]jasper f. krone[/re]: The really scary part’s at the bottom of the page. “APF can get you results, and will talk with you for a free private investigator consultation and action plan to stop the cheater…” That’s where the guns come in, right?

    (Also, note the somewhat lacking grammar.)

  45. Jukesgrrl

    I’ll believe this when I hear it from Mister T. In the meantime, I pity the fool who’s buying a covert pregnancy test.

  46. assistant/atlas

    Wait….this has to be some elaborate fake skit…thing… for …. something…? I dunno, I’m starting to think maybe the entire town of Hardin, Montana is fake.

  47. facehead

    I’m still not over the whole “WONKERINE!!!” thing from the other thread.

    Whoever came up with that can bag my tea any day.

  48. SparkleKitty

    Can we put Palin, Beck, Bachman, O’Reilly, and Michael Weener “Savage” there, already? If not, I’m not concerned.

  49. Count Spatula

    I’m as left as anyone, but what is the point of this site? …to write unrestrained, bitchy remarks about everything? How did this site ever get name-recognition?

  50. RoscoePColtraine

    [re=424003]Count Spatula[/re]: Wonkette is, admittedly, not for everyone. And (I think I speak for the majority here) we like it that way. Off you go.

  51. Neilist

    [re=424003]Count Spatula[/re]: “How did this ste ever get name-recognition”?

    Two words, my dear Count. Two words.


    Well, okay, one word. But who’s Count-ing?

  52. shadowMark

    [re=424003]Count Spatula[/re]: [re=424009]Neilist[/re]:

    Unbound, not unrestrained.

    Three words: Bags of dicks.

  53. Crank Tango

    [re=424003]Count Spatula[/re]: I call bullshit.
    1. You’re not as left as anyone
    2. Your’re not a count
    3. You’re not a spatula, but you are a tool

  54. gradgrind

    [re=423999]jesusbutter[/re]: Standardized testing, to find out whether your semen can get admitted to a top-tier kollidge.

    Browsing just got scary. Looks like some style crimes are punishable by a forced march to the Hair Cuttery:

    Seriously, the website is sorrier than a cheezburger cat’s. The APF’s crack graphics team would appear to be a gang of 10-year-old Serbians from a rival tribe who’ve been chained to their work stations.

  55. oldguy

    Wherever that two-headed chicken is from, English isn’t the primary language, although the “all by its lonesome” is a quaint touch. Truly odd stuff.

    “Infidelity, Adultery, Cheating, and being unfaithful might all have a different definition in your mind but at APF its a category all by its lonesome. Married husbands and wives will typically call untrustworthy loved ones adultery or infidelity. In the non-marital relationships its commonly known as cheating and we can help you figure out what’s really going on.”

    “Wonkette – Unrestrained Bitchy Remarks About Everything.” It’s got a nice ring to it. T-shirts? Signet rings?

  56. gradgrind

    [re=424003]Count Spatula[/re]: Editing error: You’re as left OUT as anyone. And I think I see another error — the extra letter in your first name, maybe? No need to thank me. Buh-bye!

  57. oldguy

    APF draws upon their vast global network of highly ranked officers and government officials providing private investigative services unparalelled to any operation in the industry worldwide. Their vast network of senior government officials both domestic and international, combined with their former law enforcement colleagues and current workforce, APF is considered the best global special taskforce team in the industry.

    This has got to be a joke.

    And the pictures are just too goofy:

  58. RoscoePColtraine

    [re=424020]oldguy[/re]: Yes, one of the graphics features a Boeing 707 which as you may recall was featured in the movie “Airport” (1970) starring Helen Hayes. Nothing is too state of the art for these guys!

  59. Click

    [re=424018]the problem child[/re]: It’s a laboratory analysis confirming that your sperm are healthy. You know what mitochondriacs they can be.

  60. Crank Tango

    [re=424025]Click[/re]: mitochondriacs…I’m double helixed over here with laughter. But what I want to know is, who does the taste testing?

  61. Click

    [re=424031]Crank Tango[/re]: That reminds me, when my ex-husband had a vasectomy, his doctor told him that his semen would still taste the same. Seriously.

  62. NYNYNY

    [re=424003]Count Spatula[/re]: Count Spatula, of Montenegro? I see. (Could I send my resume directly to you? I hear the website is getting swamped. I totally agree wonkette sux ass)

  63. hobospacejunkie

    @Count Spatula: Just how left is “anyone?” Further left than Mackenzie Phillips? She fucked her daddy. That’s pretty fuckin’ far left, don’t you think? Peanut butter jelly time! Peanut butter jelly time!

  64. Gallowglass

    What’s up with putting the Austro-Hungarian Imperial Crest on their logo? They some kind of euro-fags?

  65. jasper f. krone

    Okay, so we’re all agreed: Skoalrebel is actually Steve Albini, and American Police Force is? What? Firesign Theatre? Beyond the Fringe? The Rutles?

  66. imissopus

    What fucking morning zoo crew is trying to pull this stunt? Didn’t those guys all die off in the early 90s?

    [re=424003]Count Spatula[/re]: The answer to your second question is yes. Or rather, YES you dumb shit.

  67. Darkness

    [re=424003]Count Spatula[/re]: This is like your first taste of straight tequila or say, sea urchin roe. A little hard to swallow, yet alone imagine anyone cultivating a taste for it. But once you do, nothing else quite hits the spot.

  68. Crank Tango

    [re=424035]Click[/re]: wow. and? and so the taste component of the semen has nothing to do with the, er, protein? and how did the dr know how it tasted to begin with?

  69. Darkness

    [re=424059]jasper f. krone[/re]: dang! I always thought it was FireSIDE theatre. Which actually made some fucking sense. What the hell is a Firesign? Is this like Emergency Exit, Alarm Will Sound Theatre?

  70. Crank Tango

    [re=424066]Darkness[/re]: but seriously, one would have to be a total pussy or an “americoserbian police force” representative to pick this thread to be the one to bitch on. I mean seriously.

    and [re=424062]imissopus[/re]: I think one of them went to the biggest zoo of them all…

    no gimmicks, just a couple o’ dudes stirring each other’s coffee, like dudes.

  71. Crank Tango

    [re=424077]Click[/re]: well I hope he is doing well in life, with his same-tasting yet ineffectual semen, and that you have developed better, er, taste in men since.

  72. Crank Tango

    [re=424095]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: I eat a lot of cinnamon, cuz it’s easier to integrate into my diet than pineapple or celery. not sure how it works out tho. Will have to send a jar to APF and see what they think.

  73. Thegreatbacon

    I’m surprised nobody thinks this is just a blown cover for a CIA training facility. When they throw up an operations front, they probably do exactly this — make a dumb copy/paste website with a image search crest for the symbol, and then try to keep the whole thing a secret in the only way spooks know how — scaring the heck out of the locals with their black SUVs and crazy “I’m just your local police (nothing to see here)” decals. This sounds more like dumb, real government, and less like shadow government. But it would be totally cool if it were shadow governnment, and on the first of their ‘Ten Steps to World Domination’ they get caught in a media storm before they even establish a base. If there were a shadow goverment, this is totally how they would fail — cover blown by Montana local news.

  74. Darkness

    [re=424140]jasper f. krone[/re]: Lucky dog. I’ve had to buy my own full collection of The Shadow. The only urge I’ve ever had to write slash is to end that frustrating platonic schtick between Margo and the Shadow, you know, with him invisible. Oh, the kink!

    [re=424076]Crank Tango[/re]: I always go with the “never attribute to malice what can be explained with sheer incompetence . . ” or however that goes. On the other hand, once one understands Wonkette, EVERYTHING should be attributed to malice.

  75. Johnny Zhivago

    I like this company’s full spectrum of services:

    – Supertanker protection
    – Nuclear device handling
    – Military convoy escort
    – Cub scout merit badge instruction

  76. Johnny Zhivago

    [re=424049]ph7[/re]: If you check further, you will see the site is also ACTUALLY HOSTED by GoDaddy, probably their $2.95/month special package.

    For the non-webmasters here, this is often an indication that the site was set up by an idiot.

  77. Crank Tango

    [re=424154]Darkness[/re]: it’s like “gee, I’m a total libtard, and that must be true because I just said it, and sure this thread is all full of jokes about this stupid fake army guy thing, but boo hoo you people are mean and I’m just not getting it.”

  78. bynrdskynrd

    These guys scared the shit out of Alex Jones’ last night( I work graveyard and have streaming internet on my phone–I’m bored), and all I heard is NObAMAz fema KILLz KillZ…Rumor has it they wanted to RFID the People’s guns. Also

  79. Darkness

    [re=424176]Crank Tango[/re]: This is a tougher than average thread to cut one’s Wonketteeth on, you must admit. The thread topic post is for once, truthfully weirder than the cranked up ones that otherwise fill it.

    [re=424182]jasper f. krone[/re]: I always have the wrong man. It’s the Aspergers.

  80. Zorg

    [re=424003]Count Spatula[/re]: Count Spatula walks into a bar and introduces himself to the bartender. In reply, the bartender asks, “So, why the long handle?”

  81. iburl

    “Because of the apparent secretiveness of this, it gives the far right and far left to come up with all kinds of ideas. That’s why I’d like to see some clarification,” Ebinger says.

    Only people on the FAR ends of the political spectrum with their crazy conspiracy theories, why can’t they be more accepting of the simple truth of “you’re not cleared for that”.

  82. Zorg

    Wonkette must research whether the person who created this fictitious entity went to school with Dr. Orly Taitz. They both operate out of Orange County, California towns. In fact, Dr. Dimitri Sirakoff, DO and Dr. Orly Taitz, DDS, JD may be the same person! Sheeple, this could be huge!

  83. Captain Swing

    Uncovered at last- Mitt Romney’s not-so-secret Waffen SS training facility.

    So, you thought he’d just slink off into oblivion after WALNUTS! whipped him, tail between his legs and towser strapped to the roof of the SUV… Noooooo.

    He’s still out there folks, packin’ serious heat and counting down… and he’s NOT HAPPY.

  84. thefrontpage


    American Police Force is the corrections start-up company headed by Mark Foley and Jim McGreevey.

  85. blinky_twinkie

    [re=424355]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: Hilton, 55, uses the title “captain” when introducing himself and on his business cards. But he acknowledged it was not a military rank.

    Hello, I’m General Blinky_Twinkie. It’s not a military rank.

  86. Zorg

    From another news story: Michael Hilton is a native of Montenegro who became a naturalized US citizen. Aliases for Hilton that appear in court documents include Miodrag Dokovich, Michael Hamilton, Hristian Djokich and Michael Djokovich. So, I guess we can say the Djokich is on Hardin. Or not.

  87. AnSnarkist

    [re=423984]assistant/atlas[/re]: I’m starting to think the whole state of Montana is fake.

  88. LakeTrout

    [re=424979]AnSnarkist[/re]: I assure you it’s not. But we do seem to have more than our fair share of teh crazee.
    And Hardin is a very small town full of gullible rednecks and drunk indians who watch fox news while making meth.

Comments are closed.