Wonkette
Things are NOT LOOKING GOOD for the Going Rogue: An American Life book tour! Part of the whole deal with these things, the book things, is that you get to sound out the words from the books, like into a microphone, and then you get $100,000. This is exactly what Sarah Palin was promised. Except no one is paying Sarah Palin $100,000 to sound out the garbage that she Scotch-taped to an index card and mailed to HarperCollins the other day. “An industry expert tells Page Six: ‘The big lecture buyers in the US are paralyzed with fear about booking her, basically because they think she is a blithering idiot.’”
Uhh, well, contradiction of the century, book people: Would a BLITHERING IDIOT know the fine points of moose-hunting?
Many big lecture venues are subscription series, “and they don’t want to tick people off,” said our source. “Palin is polarizing, and some subscribers might cancel if she’s on the lineup.” Other lecture buyers are universities, which have a leftist slant, and corporations, which dislike controversy.
“Palin is so uninteresting to so many groups — unless they are interested in moose hunting,” said our insider. “What does she have to say? She can’t even describe what she reads.”
Hey hypocrite guy (h/t thesaurus.com): she is offering to do exactly that for $100,000!!
Well, according to her once potential son-in-law, she doesn’t know much about moose hunting either.
Terry: But she knows a hell of a lot about field dressing an elephant.
“$100,00″ = $100.00 in gay French.
Terry: Zactly. Which means Levi really did bring her down, just not the way anyone expected him to.
Even though HarperCollins is owned by Rupert Murdoch, he’s only willing to subsidize the wingtards up to a point.
I think the real corporate fear is that anyone listening to her audiobook while driving would be both deafened and blinded by the stoooooopid, and then steer themselves into the nearest bridge abutment or gasoline tanker just to make the pain end.
I’d like to send her moose hunting with a BB gun.
Make Your Own Palin Speech:
“You Betchya!”
“Barry Obama pals around with Errorists”
Wink
“You offend me when you make fun of my campaign props, uh, kids.”
“I love to kill things.”
“I live in Real US America!”
“I’m smart, really?”
“You Betchya!”
“Media hates babies and soldiers”
“My economikal policy is based on love for soldiers”
“Jeebus loves ME!”
“Jeebus will kill all non believers”
“You Betchya!”
Arrange these phrases in random combinations and watch the letter Ks come in.
Isn’t the NY Post supposed to be licking Palin’s ass, being all right-wing fringy & stufff? Much as I would normally discount anything from its Page Six, it’s hard not to cheer when someone is quoted as saying what primates with brains agree on: Palin is a blithering idiot!
Those lone few orgs that do hire Palin will be disappointed when the book’s real author, lady-wingnut-evangelical-extrordinaire Lynn Vincent, shows up in Sarah’s place. Not as hot.
The whole point is moot. One does not read a picture book aloud.
Polarizing? Does this mean there will be pole dancing? Maybe she can make up for the shortfall by caressing her bare stretchmarks in a sexy way, whereupon “lecture series subscribers” (?) with glazed eyes will proceed to stuff small bills up her hoo-hah while she prattles on about that time she endangered unborn humanity at 35,000 ft.
Couldn’t she just skip universities and corporations and only do readings at Jack in the Box restaurants?
After the coup, she will become her own network and we will be forced to recite her pearls of wisdom verbatim.
Perhaps we could get Palin and Carrie Prejean to go on a promotional tour in which they mud-wrestle each other. Of course, I’d much rather see Zac Efron and Ricky Martin mud-wrestle, but I’ll take what I can get.
Mr Blifil: Thank you for that appealing mental image, with the stretch marks and the hoo-hah and the, ewww.
She would just do the book tour on facebook, but Harper Collins is a bit tetchy about putting the whole thing on line for free.
Monsieur Grumpe:
Send her hunting moose with a rolled-up newspaper.
hobospacejunkie: They are right up to the point that they start losing money. Then they are SHOCKED, SHOCKED! that this woman has been misrepresented to them as an intellectual heavyweight with the common touch.
Even ignoring her idiocy and inability to speak, shouldn’t the lecture buyers be afraid to book her out of fear that she’ll just cancel at the last minute?
hobospacejunkie: No worries. I’m actually thinking now that the objections of the “lecture series subscribers” might be overcome once they witness her ping-pong ball tricks a time or two.
There’s only so much money that Wal-Mart book shoppers are willing to put up for a speech.
Oh, she’ll find at least three bookings in the South -why do you think they moved the release up to November? The Abominable Twatmonster just wants out of Alaska in the wintertime ‘cos she couldn’t warm it up fast enough.
A Sarah Palin book-reading event would be a good place for a fart contest.
Mr Blifil:
Replace the ping-pong ball with a fishing bobber and she’ll cast yer line a good 25 meters.
“What does she have to say? She can’t even describe what she reads.”
Hell, I’m not even sure she can read what she’s written.
Sarah Palin’s gonna read something? She’s read all the newspapers, what’s next? My Pet Goat?
Wont her fans need an audio version because teh reedin is teh hard.
Mr Blifil: Ping-pong balls? That’s Malkin-level, amateur-hour public-access cable stuff. Let’s see her basketball tricks.
(raspy whisper) Müus, the new fragrance by Sarah Palin, now sold exclusively at Target.
You can’t silence Sarah Palin this easily, Hollywood.
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD ALMIGHTY,
KEEP YOUR LEGS CLOSED!
YOUR MOUTH TOO!
WINK!
memzilla: The prospect of listening to that meth-fueled chainsaw of a voice, speak in tongues for hours while I sit strapped in a speeding vehicle is too ghastly to contemplate.
$100,000 for Palin alone? No.
Throw in William Shatner and a bongo drummer to help her finish her sentences, and you’ve got a deal.
Monsieur Grumpe: During rutting season.
I would attend any and every reading that this woman gave. Not that she would come to Seattle.
Oh please, PLEASE let her be a guest on the Daily Show for her book!!
Oh tiny gold-crown wearin’ baby jeebus, please please please
KilgoreTrout_XL: The perfect “scratch ‘n’ sniff” tie-in.
What sort of world do we live in where a blithering idiot can no longer get up and spout nonsense for $100,000? Its the end of the American dream.
Maybe they could have Laura Bush go as her stand-in. God knows she’s had experience translating and interpreting blithering idioms.
She’ll probably just set up her own tour - a rogue tour, ho ho! - and make oodles at crappy venues across Real America. Her rejection from thinking-man’s circles only gives her yet another chance to rage against the liberal intellectual elite. Sigh.
Unless, of course, she cancels all her appearances.
LakeTrout: That is a dream trout. You know the media blitz will start with Greta and end with Hannity, with a few stops in between on pick your wingnut radio shows. Personally, Im looking foward to the insight on her college years, the five colleges and six years. Im sure they will covered in a sentence. Probably something like “only dead fish graduate in 4 years at the college they started with.”
AnnieGetYourFun: I would too–and I would stand up and yell “YOU LIE!” during every one.
She finished early because (her ghost-writer finished early) because her publisher realized that she is rapidly approaching her fame half-life.
On the other hand, if there had been a nationwide donation drive back in the day so we could hear Barry read “You ain’t mah bitch, n***a!” aloud, he would have shattered his own fundraising records.
Norbert: or Walmarts
LakeTrout: I will kick myself out of the atheist campground if that happens.
Personally, I think the career arc of Joe the Plunger (yes, I stole that line) portends that of Mrs. Palin.
Since when do authors get paid to go on book tours? I thought the way it works is the authors go on shows for free and peddle their book and the radio and tv shows get a celeb without having to pay a booking fee and - like that there.
Then they go to book signings and read a bit and sell a bunch of books they sign for “free.”
Ollie North purchased boxcars of remaindered copies of his books for pennies and then for years sold them at full pop after his lectures and made a fortune. Which certainly beat spending twenty iron men on a security system that he saved up for a penny and a dime at a time - but that’s another story…
We’ve all seen films go straight to DVD. I predict this book could be one of the first to go directly from release to remainder. I’m still saying: On Amazon 01/01/2010 - $0.01.
“She can’t even describe what she reads.”
That’s a lie, she reads everything, she’s told us so. Which makes her Shakespearean speed-writing an even more extraordinary achievement. It is surely a miracle of God that she can read every newspaper in the world in every language every day and still have time to write a big book with lots of words telling us how exciting her life of constant newspaper reading is.
Sounds compelling, can’t wait.
This is not snark. This is the actual definition of “rogue” from Merriam-Webster.
Make of it, what you will
Main Entry: 1rogue
Pronunciation: \ˈrōg\
Function: noun
Etymology: origin unknown
Date: 1561
1 : vagrant, tramp
2 : a dishonest or worthless person : scoundrel
3 : a mischievous person : scamp
4 : a horse inclined to shirk or misbehave
5 : an individual exhibiting a chance and usually inferior biological variation
Rush Limbaugh will feature this book for his Book K Klub (see what I did there?) and then every news anchor on Fox will feature it, and then the NYT will report that it was a Best Cellar because (open)Borders emailed everyone about it and opened early on a sunday (the lord’s day) to sell it and told everyone about the Nudie Pixxx stuck in the middle.
hockeymom: Lucky for her none of her fans would ever be caught owning a dictionary.
fwiw, Noam Chomsky once kind of blamed Jimmy Carter for Sarah Palin:
SPIEGEL: Do you prefer the team on the other side: the 72 year old Vietnam veteran McCain and Sarah Palin, former Alaskan beauty queen?
Chomsky: This Sarah Palin phenomenon is very curious. I think somebody watching us from Mars, they would think the country has gone insane.
SPIEGEL: Arch conservatives and religious voters seem to be thrilled.
Chomsky: One must not forget that this country was founded by religious fanatics. Since Jimmy Carter, religious fundamentalists play a major role in elections. He was the first president who made a point of exhibiting himself as a born again Christian. That sparked a little light in the minds of political campaign managers: Pretend to be a religious fanatic and you can pick up a third of the vote right away. Nobody asked whether Lyndon Johnson went to church every day. Bill Clinton is probably about as religious as I am, meaning zero, but his managers made a point of making sure that every Sunday morning he was in the Baptist church singing hymns.
SPIEGEL: Is there nothing about McCain that appeals to you?
Chomsky: In one aspect he is more honest than his opponent. He explicitly states that this election is not about issues but about personalities. The Democrats are not quite as honest even though they see it the same way.
SPIEGEL spoke to him about the current crisis of capitalism, Barack Obama’s rhetoric and the compliance of the intellectual class, [2008]
I’d really like NOT to have to look at that picture of Sarah sucking the dripping butter off her crabs.
We have a leaked copy of “Going Rogue,” and here’s an interesting passage, describing one intersting late-night meeting with McCain:
It had been a long day of campaigning, and I was relaxing in my hotel room, watching “Dumb and Dumber,” one of my favorite movies, when there was a knock at the door. I was only in my thong, T-shirt and robe, but I answered the door, thinking it was Glenn Beck coming back for one more round. But it was John–John McCain, with an anchovie and onion pizza–my favorite! And a 12-pack of Pabst Blue Ribbon, cans, which is my favorite drink!! “Sarah,” he said in a soft voice, because it was about 1 a.m. and he was standing in the hallway, “I can’t wait any longer. I want to eat pizza, drink beer, and have an exciting, crazy campaign hotel tryst with you!” I said, “Well, you betcha, buster, what took ya’ so long, ya’ crazy ol’ silver fox!” I dragged him in, we ate the pizza, we drank all of the beer, and we had an all-nighter campaign hotel tryst that lasted into the early morning hours. We cancelled all of our appearances that day, stayed in, and watched soap operas and reality shows for 10 hours. That was my favorite day and night of the campaign.
Is there a crime hienous enough to merit having to listen to this moran talk about her beliefs?
And if you can be a blithering idiot, can a smart person be a blithering genius?
Cape Clod: They’re called idiot savants. Sarah has yet to show any savant.
Cape Clod: The answer to the first question is, no, not constitutionally. The second: tequila, ergo yes.
She’s convinced herself that she is something special. And she is, just not in the way she thinks.
Today I received a phone call from god. She said , “Hey, WhatTheHeck, you asshole, lay off Sarah. I gave her to you all as comic relief to a fucked-up world the republicans want to inflict on you dumb Americans.” Then god hung up with a parting shot: “readin is for the ungodly.”
ManchuCandidate: You forgot the shout-out to the third graders at Moe’s Bar in Wasilla.
Can the Wonkeratti provide some snippets from said book?
Joe Wilson to NY Post: You lie!
Sarah Palin to Joe Wilson: Well, Joe, I gotta tell ya, the Post media thingy was right on this one; there’s a lot of blithering up in Alaska; yep, sometimes it’ll blither snow for days in Wasilla, don’t ya know, and ya sometimes feel like an idiot because it’s hard being able not to keep an eye (winks) on that Putin fella because you can’t see his rear’n head through all that fall’n snow, also, you betcha.
widget09: I wouldn’t be surprised if they make Riley read it; after all, they make him follow RedState.
hobospacejunkie: Whenever a movie project in the fifties went sour, they had an expression. “Slap it on the drive-in circuit down south.” Those morons will buy anything.
Palin’s problem is there are no more drive-ins, hardly, so she’ll have to stick to bowling alleys, which is an advantage, because of the booze, and like Raygoon’s chopper noise, Repugnant’s really sound much better if you can’t hear.
I think I speak for all Wonkett when I say that we can hardly wait for Juli and Riley’s first microphone book apocalypse tour! Get writing!
JMP: Poor kid, that is tantamount to hazing.
McDuff: Oh God, it was like you were transcribing that abortion of a debate. Well done.
McDuff: That makes me wonder. How come the title of this idiot opus isn’t “Goin’ Rogue : A Real US American Life”?
It’s fall! Book her straight across the Great White North on the Big Snowmobile Tour. Have her read half a page from the book, then answer questions from the adoring audience — did I mention Free Jello Shots and Venison Jerky? My guess is that about Fargo, she’ll just feel so at home that she’ll plop and never want to leave. She can become the Oracle of Fargo and wingnuts can make pilgrimages. It will keep all of them out of bigger trouble. The hundred grand will never be mentioned, except wistfully at the end of long nights of drinking. Ashes to ashes…
It should be noted - also - that the Wassila Wannabee has a distressing tendency to simply blow off her speaking engagements - unless they’re in Hong Kong. Why would anyone at all intelligent trust her “word”?
Besides which, on book tours, you’re mostly walking into some godforsaken Barnes and Noble, next to some shitty shopping mall, and signing books, and maybe reading some excerpts and taking some questions - and one doesn’t normally get $100,000 a crack for that. Normally, it’s free. It’s called “publicity” in the biz - but that won’t stop Meg Stapleton from claiming it was “the first we heard of this so-called “book signing” before Sarah - truly the laziest political figure in the country - decides to go to Applebee’s instead.
Chapter 8 Me and the Katie Couric Interviews
I was back in my hotel room after the interviews and Nicole Wallace came in. She was all like wiggin out and such and too, she said I didnt do goods. I was like, no way, I totally dunked it. I told her not only did I get all that stuff we were crammin on the night before, but I got it all in one sentence, you know the economy, the healthcare and the job creatin also. Sheesh what more did this bitch expect from me. She also said it was a problem Todd was in the Alaskan Independence Party, because it was about seceding. Well that didnt make any sense, so I says to her, “whats wrong with that, I have been seceding at bein a beauty queen, mayor and now governorin.” Then she was like no, Im not talking about succeeding, Im talking about seceding from the union. Then I was like oh, and she explained to me the difference. But I said screw that, Todd dont have to say jack about that. I said fine, then Im goin after the black guy and his buddy that blew up weather stations in the 60s or 70s. Im mean what kind of sicko blows up U-S American weather stations, which I know are important bein from Alaska. Nicole then suggested this if I answer the door in a towel I should as least pull it up past my waist. I just thought, pfft, jealous much.
hockeymom: Your elitist so-called “definition” means nothing to Palinistas.
Librul.
I read, therefore I hunt.
EdFlinstone: Win.
Touring the country on a short bus to publicize a pop-up book? Sounds right.
Tundra Grifter: I think it will sell quite well. After all it will give her fans an opportunity to actually buy and own A book.
I’d find it an interesting read (for about 2 pages) if I thought she’d actually penned it herself, which is as likely as getting Universal health care. (ooh, now I’ve made myself cry).
hockeymom: Thank you for that. Strange they think the word is complimentary. I think she meant to call it “Goin’ Rouge: A Mascara Life”
Why is it that noone else is ever blithering other than idiots? It’s like noone wages anything else other than war.
In the case of blithering idiots, it’s probably because of the alliteration. ‘Blithering morons’ doesn’t have that same snappy rhythm.
widget09: See above! There’s a great piece from the book!
NJB: Can’t believe it took someone that long to point this out. I’m not going to book someone who skips her speaking engagements because she totally forgot she had them.
so does this mean joe the plumber wins on the book tour bet by default? dayum!
“Other lecture buyers are universities, which have a leftist slant, and corporations, which dislike controversy.”
Which explains why a university has never hired someone like Ann Coulter to give a lecture.
geminisunmars: good — or how about
‘Goin’ Rouge: Skin Deep Success’
thefrontpage: I had to dig a bit but I did read the snippet. Sarah!, the English language is calling you! Your abuse of the exclamation point is very disturbing! Your use of said exclamation point suggest that you have delusions of grandeur!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Stop using me in vain!!!!!!!!!!