• May 26, 2012
TUESDAY FUN VIDEO

September 29, 2009

Mean Old Spider Walks All Over ‘God’s Human On Earth,’ The Pope

by Jim Newell  

Current pope “Adolf Hitler” was raped by a spider today. Look at that lil’ guy, walkin’ and spider-poopin’ all over Il Popo. Kathryn Jean Lopez is not going to like this one iota. (For some reason we assumed this was a political video, what with the subject of this website and all, “politics.”) [Rumproast]

{ 74 comments }

hobospacejunkie September 29, 2009 at 5:46 pm

One of these days a photo of Joey Ratz is gonna surface of him & his fuehrer from near the end of the war. I will pray to jesus that this day comes soon. Though he appears to have put that day far in the future by un-excommunicating those Holocaust deniers.

OzoneTom September 29, 2009 at 5:46 pm

Ungoliant? Is that you?

AbstinenceOnly Ed September 29, 2009 at 5:48 pm

I hope it’s not radioactive. The world is not ready for a Spider-Pope. Or a black President, apparently.

Rotundo September 29, 2009 at 5:48 pm

The itsy-bitsy spider crawed on the nazi pope
He didn’t even notice, the senile old dope
Up came an aide to brush the spider off
And the itsy-bitsy spider quietly wandered off.

AbstinenceOnly Ed September 29, 2009 at 5:49 pm

[re=422617]OzoneTom[/re]: Shelob mothafucka!

Click September 29, 2009 at 5:50 pm

Must have been looking for a good nazi website.

badmuthagoose September 29, 2009 at 5:51 pm

Oh my God. Just last night, I was having a conversation about this: which is scarier, a spider with a clown face or a clown with a spider face?

Now I have to figure out a way to work something popey into that matrix. It gets scarier!

(I kept sympathy cringing while I was watching this. And checking to see if it had a tiny clown face.)

shortsshortsshorts September 29, 2009 at 5:52 pm

But where’s the pope?

OReillysVibrator September 29, 2009 at 5:52 pm

[re=422621]AbstinenceOnly Ed[/re]: I’d rather him have those spider powers now than when he was a teenager, otherwise the Nazis would have seen Allied attacks coming.

SayItWithWookies September 29, 2009 at 5:54 pm

Wow — that looks like the most excitement those people had all day. Imagine having to sit in a room for hours in a black dress while that ridiculous fool — who only believes in science as long as it’s guided by religion — drones on in his soporific monotone about how the world seems to be ignoring them more and more.
The spider, meanwhile, is thinking “It’ll take about fifty feet of good 10 gauge silk to wrap this critter up — but once I bag ‘im I’ll be set for life!”

Texan Bulldoggette September 29, 2009 at 5:55 pm

Saw the ‘mean old spider’ & thought you were talking about Chuck Grassley again….

Scruffy_The_Janitor September 29, 2009 at 5:55 pm

Where’s the aide that uses a rolled up newspaper to smack it?

Suds McKenzie September 29, 2009 at 5:55 pm

The Lizard People will not like this one bit.

ManchuCandidate September 29, 2009 at 5:55 pm

Charlotte’s Web: Charlotte’s Revenge

It’s the story of a runt former Nazee Yout who is befriended by a spider, Charlotte, during those lonely years in the seminary till the spider starts talking smack about the Opus Dei and it’s desire liberalize the church. Ratzee cuts off all contact with Charlotte, but in it’s dying breath it vows that one of her descendants will humiliate him on the intertubes.

Dontread September 29, 2009 at 5:56 pm

Didn’t this come out like, three days ago? See this Gawker post:
http://gawker.com/5368586/gods-eight+legged-operative-fails-to-complete-reconnaissance-mission

Common, it can’t be that slow of a news day!

Extemporanus September 29, 2009 at 5:56 pm

That’s not a spider, that’s just his soul trying to get a little fresh air.

Jukesgrrl September 29, 2009 at 5:57 pm

God sent a spider to me recently. But it didn’t crawl on my clothes, it bit me. Must be because I am a grrl and will never have infallibility, as I am a gender-FAIL.

rambone September 29, 2009 at 5:59 pm

It’s like Willard, but with spiders and a much creepier Willard.

Scruffy_The_Janitor September 29, 2009 at 5:59 pm

[re=422643]Dontread[/re]: Great catch. Last time I checked, Wonkette is free.
So I guess you get what you paid for. A lousy website that is 3 days behind news-breaking stories.

shadowMark September 29, 2009 at 6:00 pm

If you crank the audio way up you can hear the spider shouting, “The sow is mine! The sow is mine!”

Click September 29, 2009 at 6:00 pm

The Vatican’s whimsical performance art remake of the favorite African children’s story “Anansi the Spider” – titled “Anazi and the Spider.”

Way Cool Larry September 29, 2009 at 6:01 pm

yet ANOTHER sign of the apocalypse… or that the Pope is a zombie… or both

Smoke Filled Roommate September 29, 2009 at 6:01 pm

It makes him look impure, tainted and somewhat rotten. Amen.

Click September 29, 2009 at 6:02 pm

[re=422643]Dontread[/re]: Fuck off. I liked watching the spider.

Extemporanus September 29, 2009 at 6:04 pm

[re=422630]badmuthagoose[/re]: Clowns and popes are more or less interchangable.

Which of these is scarier: A rat with a Ratz face, or a Ratz with a rats face?

GreatOldOnesParty September 29, 2009 at 6:07 pm

IT!

badmuthagoose September 29, 2009 at 6:12 pm

[re=422664]Extemporanus[/re]: I’m gonna go with a rat with a Ratz face because the second thing already exists. The first thing would be freaky.

StoneAge September 29, 2009 at 6:19 pm

That is clearly the earthly form of Magog. Stay off the roads, the Rapture should begin any moment now.

Scarab September 29, 2009 at 6:23 pm

That’s what’s called ‘a tell’.

schvitzatura September 29, 2009 at 6:26 pm

St. Felix, patron saint of spiders, please intercede on our behalf, and allow your earthly representative, the brown recluse spider, access to Il Papa‘s cassock.

Pax vobis, y’all!

Trigvhe from Texas September 29, 2009 at 6:28 pm

Awesome. That little arachnid went in one ear and came out the other.

badmuthagoose September 29, 2009 at 6:28 pm

Semi-related, but my new favorite picture: http://godhatesprotesters.wordpress.com/2009/09/28/jesus-3-teabagging/

She’s so happy about it too!

Extemporanus September 29, 2009 at 6:33 pm

[re=422672]badmuthagoose[/re]: It would indeed be freaky, as this documentary film footage illustrates.

Lascauxcaveman September 29, 2009 at 6:37 pm

That’s one badass pope. If that spider got on my daughter like that, she’d be screaming like a little girl.

On the other hand, she is a little girl. So, anyway. The pope is tougher than a little girl. Makes me proud to be (ex)Catholic.

MGBYG September 29, 2009 at 6:38 pm

They was just a-scared the damn spinner was going to create a revealing web with the words “some pig” or “bible lies” or “pope nazi” etc.

Click September 29, 2009 at 6:44 pm

[re=422691]badmuthagoose[/re]: Is that a ’4′ or did someone cut her Jesus fish in half?

MOG September 29, 2009 at 6:52 pm

It would appear that the spider came from the open sore in his face, similar to the poor woman in the Martin Sheen POS, “The Believers”. But that would mean something diabolical. hmmmm.

engulfedinflames September 29, 2009 at 6:52 pm

The institution this inconsequential old man in a dress represents once wielded immmense power . This lends me some solace,in the same way that reminding myself how much I like dogs comforts me when I am over come with loathing for humanity .

Way Cool Larry September 29, 2009 at 6:54 pm

[re=422691]badmuthagoose[/re]: well, jesus did teach us to love one another!

slappypaddy September 29, 2009 at 6:55 pm

the schism continues

Smoke Filled Roommate September 29, 2009 at 6:55 pm

[re=422691]badmuthagoose[/re]: Ewww, I wonder what her balls look like.

Snarkalicious September 29, 2009 at 7:00 pm

[re=422621]AbstinenceOnly Ed[/re]:
Spider Pope,
Spider Pope,
Better remember your soap on a rope.
What am I implying?
Oh nothing forget it.
Spider Pope.

ServiceJervixJuice September 29, 2009 at 7:00 pm

That lil’ spider’s name is Satan, and he lives in a little cavity inside the “Pope head”, that is actually the “Pope command center”.

Smoke Filled Roommate September 29, 2009 at 7:00 pm

Spider Pope
Spider Pope
Does whatever a Spider Pope does
Can he swing
From a web
No he can’t
He’s a Pope
Look Out!!
He is a Spider Pope

badmuthagoose September 29, 2009 at 7:02 pm

[re=422706]Click[/re]: A 4.

[re=422726]Smoke Filled Roommate[/re]: OR…she’s on the receiving end of Jesus’ old balls. I’m guessing that because she looks so happy about it.

[re=422724]Way Cool Larry[/re]: RADICAL love, no less. Finally someone who pays attention to Jesus’ teachings. Do the sparrows worry about tomorrow? No. They lie back and receive the holy teabagging from the Son of God, yea amen.

Smoke Filled Roommate September 29, 2009 at 7:04 pm

[re=422733]Snarkalicious[/re]: Beat me to it!! Great minds..

Extemporanus September 29, 2009 at 7:06 pm

[re=422706]Click[/re]: You just discovered the secret behind platters of mercury-laden rotten tuna twats.

Accordion-o-rama September 29, 2009 at 7:11 pm

“Rumproast” sounds like a blog that covers the Catholic clergy full-time.

Accordion-o-rama September 29, 2009 at 7:18 pm

[re=422622]Rotundo[/re]: I like how you rhymed “off” with “off”.

desertwind September 29, 2009 at 7:26 pm

The devil works in mysterious ways.

Neilist September 29, 2009 at 7:33 pm

Clearly, you people have never seen/read Stephen King’s “IT.”

“We all float down here . . . under the Vatican!”

chascates September 29, 2009 at 8:50 pm

Will given his youth it would have to be a Death’s Head Spider.

Dashboard_Buddha September 29, 2009 at 8:51 pm

Spider Pope
Spider Pope
Tryin’ to give the masses hope
Claims to have the line on truth
Used to hang with the Hitler Youth
Watch out! Don’t mess with the Pontiff
The man sure ain’t no goniff
Being the Spider Pope!

Dolmance September 29, 2009 at 8:52 pm

THAT SPIDER IS THE POPE! He was out sucking the pureed juices from a paralyzed cockroach and suddenly the camera lights went on. So then he had to race back up into that piece of dead, animated meat sack he uses for transportation and controlled the shit out of him and had everybody oohing and ahhing about the holiness emanating from his fuckedness.

And that’s all you have to know about the Pope.

Dolmance September 29, 2009 at 8:55 pm

[re=422810]Dashboard_Buddha[/re]: I found your post to be rather disrespectful, bordering on vulgarity even. I’m not sure I really like that sort of thing.

Dashboard_Buddha September 29, 2009 at 9:00 pm

[re=422813]Dolmance[/re]: Ah shit…and I was hoping you would like it.

Dashboard_Buddha September 29, 2009 at 9:05 pm

At least His Holiness and confidently claim there are no flies on him.

doloras September 29, 2009 at 9:14 pm

The thing about the Holocaust-denying bishop Williamson is that he wasn’t excommunicated for being Nazi-loving scum. He was excommunicated for being part of the hyper-reactionary SSPX organisation and ordaining hyper-reactionary SSPX priests, disobeying a direct command from the Vatican. He and the other bishops were un-excommunicated because Pope Ratzy wants to make nice with the SSPX. There’s no way he could have been left out of the un-excommunication order just because he’s Nazi loving scum, because the punishment had nothing to do with being Nazi loving scum, but only for disobeying a direct Vatican order. If you follow me.

N.S.Sherlock September 29, 2009 at 9:14 pm

I thought that spot on his cheek was the spider until the real thing showed up. The papal valet is gonna catch hell for this. You have to remember to look into the slippers and shake out the robes.

Smoke Filled Roommate September 29, 2009 at 9:31 pm

I finally figured it out– that spider is the Miraculous Infant Jesus of Prague. The pope wanted Miraculous Infant Jesus (‘Midge’ for short) on the Popestage with him, but didn’t want to cause a big stir so he bippity boppity booed him into a spider!

Click September 29, 2009 at 9:35 pm

[re=422832]Smoke Filled Roommate[/re]: Mmmm….Carmelites….

S.Luggo September 29, 2009 at 9:52 pm
S.Luggo September 29, 2009 at 10:13 pm

Why can’t His Papishness learn from Barry? Six legs (e.g., Chuckley “Hexapoda” Grassley) bad, eight legs good.
http://images.mirror.co.uk/upl/m4/jun2009/9/3/obama-fly-swat-784063383.jpg
Squash.

Diddlysquat September 29, 2009 at 10:39 pm

I love how everyone just “observed” the whole thing, watching in what sounds like morbid curiosity. There were even some follow-up observations describing the offending spider “dangling from a web” on pontiff’s robe as he made his exit. Papal equivalent of letting your friend work the nightclub scene with toilet paper on shoe or fly open. Love it.

Scooter September 29, 2009 at 10:47 pm

The spider, who had always dreamed of weaving the world’s largest web of deception, decided to seek advice from the current record holder.

Mr Blifil September 29, 2009 at 11:23 pm

BITE HIS FACE!

jasper f. krone September 29, 2009 at 11:31 pm

[re=422630][re=422664]Extemporanus[/re]: badmuthagoose[/re]: Do you mean these clowns? Because an Army of Clowns with rat faces is much scarier than either of the foregoing scenarios.

saggyboobedhag September 30, 2009 at 12:42 am

That video is so yesterday. And on the East Coast it’s the day before yesterday.

hobospacejunkie September 30, 2009 at 12:57 am

[re=422822]doloras[/re]: Thanks for clearing that up. It’s so much more comforting to know the pope unexcommunicated those nazi-lovers for reasons other than they repented of their nazi-loving.

greywindz September 30, 2009 at 4:16 am

Arachnophobia sequel…

junkscience September 30, 2009 at 4:42 am

Never let a German shepherd watch the flock. Or something. Maybe he’s Austrian. There’s a joke in there somewhere. It’s yours.

durn September 30, 2009 at 8:08 am

That’s what he gets for going to Transylvania, which we rescued through the grace of St. Reagan, and should celebrate annually with a holiday and mountain-carving. Or border-carving, or whatever.

Then, maybe Havel had something to do with it, if the moral suasion stuff ever actually mattered. It certainly wasn’t some German guy in slippers.

alzronnie September 30, 2009 at 9:25 am

A Nazi spider, probably a pet.

Prommie September 30, 2009 at 10:22 am

[re=422832]Smoke Filled Roommate[/re]: The infant of Prague customized my van.

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