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“America’s Next Great Pundit”: A Truly Existing Contest From The Washington Post

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The Washington Post is offering you a very special once-in-a-lifetime chance to write a weekly journalistic politics opinion column! If you have ever had dreams of BEING YOUR OWN RICHARD COHEN, now is the time to enter the Post‘s “America’s Next Great Pundit” contest, the grand prize of which is an actual opinion column in The Washington Post, which your Wonkette Fact-Checking Desk has Googled and apparently used to be some sort of newspaper, back in the 70s.

Gather your most contradictory and inherently untenable positions on torture, foreign policy, health care, etc. etc. and GET READY:

“Beginning on or about Oct. 30, ten prospective pundits will get to compete for the title of America’s Next Great Pundit, facing off in challenges that test the skills a modern pundit must possess. They’ll have to write on deadline, hold their own on video and field questions from Post readers. (Contestants won’t have to quit their day jobs, but they should be prepared to put in about eight hours a week for three weeks.) After each round, a panel of Post personalities will offer kudos and catcalls, and reader votes will help to determine who gets another chance at a byline and who has to shut down their laptop.”

That is correct: Richard Cohen could be personally catcalling you. This is what is at stake.

[Washington Post]

About the author

Juli Weiner was Wonkette's beloved intern and books columnist and then morning editor until she was hired away by Vanity Fair in 2010.

View all articles by Juli Weiner


Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Lascauxcaveman

    This can’t end well.

  • Hed007

    I can’t risk the WaPo Stazi actually coming here and shutting down my laptop. I have way too much Mahjong to play if I don’t win.

  • Holy Cow!!

    My first column will be titled “Why do Republicans make Jesus vomit and hate America?”

  • qwerty42

    teh torturez iz AWESOME!
    kill teh brownz!

    what more do you need?

  • LittlePig

    I expect my opus “A Variety Of Modalities Of Preparation Of Penii From Specimens Of Rattus norvegicus” to knock ’em dead.

  • memzilla

    Sounds like another staffer gets replaced by temp help in a cost-cutting move.

    Their first assignment should be to come up with a replacement meme for “bag of lightly salted poison rat dicks.”

  • LakeTrout

    Oh please, Oh please, let it be a fat, white, and male!

  • ChernobylSoup v2

    I hope Froomkin wins.

  • magic titty

    I like this. Actually, I love this. Go WaPo! Go Jernilism!

  • hockeymom

    Which one of us will be forwarding a submission from SKOALREBEL?

  • KilgoreTrout_XL

    Just resubmitted Podhoretz’s “My negro problem” essay under the name Trig “ger” Palin.

  • The Toot

    facing off in challenges that test the skills a modern pundit must possess. They’ll have to write on deadline, hold their own on video and field questions from Post readers. (Contestants won’t have to quit their day jobs, but they should be prepared to put in about eight hours a week for three weeks.)

    So, the normal workweek of Richard Cohen, Michael Gerson, and other slithering trolls is eight hours per week? That explains so much, not the least of which is Richard Cohen’s status as World’s Most Hilarious Elf.

  • CorkPopper

    Nice to see that they’ve owned up to the fact that to be a pundit requires no knowledge of anything whatsoever. As long as you can deliver on deadline and answer questions (no mention of answering them in thoughtful, relevant or cogent fashion!), you’ve got the gig.

  • skoal rebel

    hell im gonna win this shit i got all kinds of shit to say that this country is goin to hell cause nobamma is bring socalism to us but everyone i know is pissed as hell but this richard cohen aint catcallin me shit that gay as hell

  • norbizness

    Tips for aspiring WaPo editorialists:

    1. Anything the state wants to do is hunky dory.
    1a. So long as the President is white.
    2. Bipartisanship is the highest virtue.
    2a. So long as nothing benefiting the public actually gets passed.
    3. Feel free to fabricate imaginary conversations with taxi drivers, your maid, or a construction worker named Ernie so that you can claim to have your finger on the pulse of working Americans.

  • TGY

    Nothing says ‘duel of wits between unarmed opponents’ better than this contest.

  • Marmel

    Neat! I’ve always wanted my opinions to line birdcages rather than laptops anyway.

    Sign me up!

  • charlesdegoal

    With Novak and Safire out with terminal injuries, they need fresh blood, but this is not Survival. The stakes are huge.

  • Uncle Joe

    Finally someone is stepping up and taking bold steps to address this nation’s crippling pundit shortage.

  • norbizness

    I’m sorry, I forgot the special Richard Cohen rule (the others are more Fred Hiatt rules):

    4. Huff sparkle-pens for at least three hours before sitting down to excrete your latest word jumble. This will produce healthy delusions of grandeur essential for your column being roundly mocked, such as (a) I am funnier than Stephen Colbert, (b) Obama could turn his ratings around if he just texted me, and (c) with this column, I will successfully teach you mouthbreathing half-apes some motherfucking civility if it kills me.

  • suchsweetthunder

    You can just feel how patronizing the selection is going to be. It’s definitely going to be a real American: A soccer mom who writes about “important” children’s issus, or someone from real America.

  • norbizness

    [re=421873]Uncle Joe[/re]: Can you imagine a world without pundits? (shudders)

  • JSDC007

    The Washington Compost has such luminary editorial himbos as Gerson, Krauthammer, and the dead Bob Novak on its staff.

    Those standards are low indeed.

  • hobospacejunkie

    Oh I do hope there are some talented & motivated trolls out there polishing their skills right now. I can imagine any number of connect-the-dots types of columns utilizing every dumb columnist trope, device and tic. The aforementioned taxi driver, multiple references to digging, six month deadlines, rationalizations for war, racism and denying sick people medical care; all must be incorporated by some slob out there with too much time on his/her hands. Please jesus, let the Post be punked.

  • widget09

    The rules of the dumb contest will require a lawyer.

    Sample Piece:

    In my opinion Barrack Hussein Obama should be impeached & removed from office because of his birf certificate. Nuclear weapons should be our first choice when negotiations fail. Torture should be applied to all suspects, regardless of citizenship in USA. Torture is good, once you have been water boarded, it is duly noted that those suspects ask for more sessions. Martial law should be declared once Glen Beck is installed as the next president. The media should be abolished, except for those that tell the truth, such as FOX news. Internment camps should be developed and utilized for all left wing (democrats) radicals. Abortion will be criminalized in all cases, no exceptions! Rape & incest included! Religious messages will be taught in all elementary schools and only creationist or intelligent design will be on the curriculum. I don’t think I covered all the bases, but give me time.

  • shadowMark

    I’m thinking America’s next great pundit will be someone who just puts up a carefully selected and arranged sequence of well-made Blingees or someone who puts up a snarky fun selection and arrangement of those photos you see when you accidentally type xxx nubile girls fucking into a Google search box but the intro to this contest talks about “writing.”

  • 4tehlulz

    Which one of our contestants are willing to out a CIA agent as a special favor to the GOP?

    Find out on “America’s Next Great Pundit”!

  • Mustang

    Cool. Does the winner get to be on Meet the Press and flail his or her hands around while whining?

  • bureaucrap

    Extra points if your column mentions how important print journalism is to the fortunes of our great nation, and how, despite all evidence to the contrary, 15th and L is not in danger of becoming “Zombieland” (extra points also awarded for topical pop cultural reference mentioning a regular advertiser — in this case, a movie studio).

  • Lascauxcaveman

    [re=421871]Marmel[/re]: Well, you’re already quite an accomplished blog whore, so you’ve got the right amount of hey-look-at-me-mom to actually do well in this lame contest.

  • hobospacejunkie

    [re=421871]Marmel[/re]: Oh look, the blog whore is back. Someone point this annoying clown in the direction of yesterday’s final post. People with decent blogs can’t whore here under theat of banishment, yet this trashy whore gets away with multiple offenses daily. Where is the justice?

  • Dutch Oven Uncle

    when I win this thing, firs thing Im gonna rite about how we should invade Canada what with their socialized medicine and all.

  • El Pinche

    Yay!!! More pundits! We need more pundits like Austin needs more shitty blues-rock-funk bands.

  • bureaucrap

    In a world without pundits, the living will envy the… well actually, I guess they’ll just go on living, and probably won’t even notice that anything’s missing.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    [re=421891]hobospacejunkie[/re]: Heh. Mine was snarkier.

  • Crab1

    [re=421864]skoal rebel[/re]: I like youuuuuuuu!

  • Capitol Hillbilly

    Does this mean Cohen and/or Broder are retiring?

  • RoscoePColtraine

    Oh goody! Here’s my chance to follow in the footsteps of my idol Rachel Maddow. Er, uh, I think she got her start this way. Or wait, was that the Brady Bunch? Well, either way, my life is about to mimic a 30-minute sitcom. And in the end, I wind up with the ten thousand dollars we need to keep our house plus my own show on teevee. Only in America.

  • El Pinche

    We live blogging this Senate Health Care hearing shindig? I thought we could watch our public option disintegrate together. I want to understand how a Democratic majority can a fuck a good thing up.

  • SayItWithWookies

    This is puzzling. Were the editors just perusing some of the comments at WaPo and thought, “Hey, some of these sharp minds ought to be writing for us?” Becuase in that case, journalism is in worse shape than I thought. Not to mention the English language.

  • DoctorCulturae

    O alas and alack, the discretionary differences between writing, typing, and thinking. On a good day you have Wonkette (all three). On a bad one, Lady Nooningshire.

  • freakishlystrong

    I nominate Marmel.

  • hobospacejunkie

    [re=421893]El Pinche[/re]: Some people want to fill the world with shitty blues-rock-funk bands. And what’s wrong with that. I’d like to know. Cuz here I go…again.

  • V572625694

    [re=421891]hobospacejunkie[/re]: [re=421890]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: No justice, no peace!

  • Katydid

    They left out the requirement that one needs to be a douche. Guess it’s implied.

  • El Pinche

    Republicans need a skoalrebel to represent. He is the true voice of the common sense American patriot: Jesus-loving, retarded, angry, white, and of course, fat (and gay).

  • hobospacejunkie

    @lascauxcaveman: Indeed. I’m too earnest & wordy for my own good. I need lessons in pith.

  • hobospacejunkie

    [re=421909]El Pinche[/re]: Fat and gay is no way to go through life, son.

  • V572625694

    [re=421865]norbizness[/re]: Where’d you get a copy of the WaPo editorial page style manual? That thing’s supposed to be a secret!

  • gurukalehuru

    [re=421891]hobospacejunkie[/re]: Repressed, self-loathing closet blogwhore?

  • RoscoePColtraine

    [re=421907]V572625694[/re]: I clicked your clicky. Whattup?

  • Rev. Peter Lemonjello

    Awesome. Ben Johnson will finally have a job.

  • Aflac Shrugged

    “(Contestants…should be prepared to put in about eight hours a week for three weeks.)”

    It’s this kind of work ethic that has made the Washington Post’s editorial page such a public treasure.

  • El Pinche

    [re=421905]hobospacejunkie[/re]: What happened to the era of Retard Elf? I’m just saying Safire was the Fuckemos of punditry.

  • hobospacejunkie

    @kalehuru: You don’t know the half of it!

  • Harvey Birdman

    [re=421893]El Pinche[/re]: A fucking men. Thank god for Okkervil River, Octopus Project, and Ghostland.

    Also, this column should really go to Shorts.

  • sezme

    [re=421871]Marmel[/re]: Neat! I’ve often wanted to take a poop on your writing. Sign up!

  • El Pinche

    [re=421936]Harvey Birdman[/re]: Yes, I failed to mention that we do have some kick ass winners in A-town like Octopus Project.
    And yes, Shorts will have to get special permission from WaPo to publish entirely in ALL CAPS with no gay ass punctuation. He might throw in some ASCII art of guitars and wolverines like cope straight, yall.

  • thefrontpage

    George Will, Charles Krauthammer, Pat Buchanan and Michelle Malkin should enter this contest, as it’s apparently for beginners.

  • Pithaughn

    Maybe hobospacejunkie, prommie, and the one with the pink pistol could collabarate, and win one for the old wonker.

  • Cape Clod

    A contest where the prize is that you get to write for newspapers? I think I would rather be an elevator operator or a soda jerk at the drugstore lunch counter.

  • Hart88

    Don’t let Bill Kristol fool you – it takes a special talent to be wrong ALL of the time.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    [re=421948]El Pinche[/re]: Yes! SHORTSX3 must have his chance, and we must promote it to the fullest.

    We are a warblog, no?

  • Flanders

    [re=421864]skoal rebel[/re]: Hey, I understand you’re single these days. Wanna hook up?

  • El Pinche

    [re=421984]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: onward wonktard soulja

  • Otto Reimer

    [re=421927]El Pinche[/re]: I take it your are the Spunk of Texas journalism?

  • CaiteeCruelle

    [re=421973]Pithaughn[/re]: Oh, please! PLEASE!

  • V572625694

    [re=421915]RoscoePColtraine[/re]: An unfunny little joke-y. I gots no blog. Too poor. But thanks for checking!

  • Snarkalicious

    [re=421901]El Pinche[/re]: Let me break it down for you. First, as seen, they start from a posision of compromise. Step three, tax cuts.

  • Yaybuls

    We’re all smarmy, sarcastic, knee-jerk commentators today.

  • AnnieGetYourFun

    [re=421902]SayItWithWookies[/re]: I’m sort of hoping that you are going to try out for this, mostly because I want you to be paid to write stuff. Please? Teh jernilizms are in need of your wit!

    Or Shorts. Either way.

  • shortsshortsshorts

    [re=421984]Lascauxcaveman[/re]: Thank you, caveman! BUT WHAT DO WE DO TO MAKE IT SO?

  • Zadig

    For a split second, I actually considered submitting a serious entry. And was a good one, the kind of erudition and sanity and clear English that so rarely appears on editorial pages. And then I hit “Select All” and “Delete”, because who the fuck would want to work for the Washington Post?

  • SayItWithWookies

    [re=422051]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: Oh, I plan to — it sounds like too much fun to resist.

  • Zadig

    [re=422105]Zadig[/re]: “And IT was”, you miscreant.

  • inner_bomber

    Sounds delish. Wonder if they’ll let me name my column if I win? I’m thinking “Der Vierte Reich Zeitung” has a nice ring to it. Or maybe “Roma Nova, Anus Moraliti”…

  • Oldskool

    “..they should be prepared to put in about eight hours a week for three weeks.”

    Jesus, just come out and say it, they’ll have to bring their liFe to a full stop. Eight hours a week, Jesus, may as well turn off their computer, change out of their Snuggies and move out of my THEIR parents basement.

  • naveed


  • BerkeleyFarm

    The Washington Post, which your Wonkette Fact-Checking Desk has Googled and apparently used to be some sort of newspaper, back in the 70s

    It’s true, it’s true.

    (I don’t know whether to laugh or cry at what it’s become.)

  • Guppy06

    So… we’ve reached the point where major contest prizes now include “a steady job?” Why didn’t they just advertise this “contest” on craigslist like everybody else in town?

  • Suds McKenzie

    [re=422080]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: /change your name to “Dungaree Dungaree Dungaree” and I will buy a newspaper… jk.