The Washington Post is offering you a very special once-in-a-lifetime chance to write a weekly journalistic politics opinion column! If you have ever had dreams of BEING YOUR OWN RICHARD COHEN, now is the time to enter the Post‘s “America’s Next Great Pundit” contest, the grand prize of which is an actual opinion column in The Washington Post, which your Wonkette Fact-Checking Desk has Googled and apparently used to be some sort of newspaper, back in the 70s.

Gather your most contradictory and inherently untenable positions on torture, foreign policy, health care, etc. etc. and GET READY:

“Beginning on or about Oct. 30, ten prospective pundits will get to compete for the title of America’s Next Great Pundit, facing off in challenges that test the skills a modern pundit must possess. They’ll have to write on deadline, hold their own on video and field questions from Post readers. (Contestants won’t have to quit their day jobs, but they should be prepared to put in about eight hours a week for three weeks.) After each round, a panel of Post personalities will offer kudos and catcalls, and reader votes will help to determine who gets another chance at a byline and who has to shut down their laptop.”

That is correct: Richard Cohen could be personally catcalling you. This is what is at stake.

[Washington Post]

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  1. Sounds like another staffer gets replaced by temp help in a cost-cutting move.

    Their first assignment should be to come up with a replacement meme for “bag of lightly salted poison rat dicks.”

  2. facing off in challenges that test the skills a modern pundit must possess. They’ll have to write on deadline, hold their own on video and field questions from Post readers. (Contestants won’t have to quit their day jobs, but they should be prepared to put in about eight hours a week for three weeks.)

    So, the normal workweek of Richard Cohen, Michael Gerson, and other slithering trolls is eight hours per week? That explains so much, not the least of which is Richard Cohen’s status as World’s Most Hilarious Elf.

  3. Nice to see that they’ve owned up to the fact that to be a pundit requires no knowledge of anything whatsoever. As long as you can deliver on deadline and answer questions (no mention of answering them in thoughtful, relevant or cogent fashion!), you’ve got the gig.

  4. hell im gonna win this shit i got all kinds of shit to say that this country is goin to hell cause nobamma is bring socalism to us but everyone i know is pissed as hell but this richard cohen aint catcallin me shit that gay as hell

  5. Tips for aspiring WaPo editorialists:

    1. Anything the state wants to do is hunky dory.
    1a. So long as the President is white.
    2. Bipartisanship is the highest virtue.
    2a. So long as nothing benefiting the public actually gets passed.
    3. Feel free to fabricate imaginary conversations with taxi drivers, your maid, or a construction worker named Ernie so that you can claim to have your finger on the pulse of working Americans.

  6. I’m sorry, I forgot the special Richard Cohen rule (the others are more Fred Hiatt rules):

    4. Huff sparkle-pens for at least three hours before sitting down to excrete your latest word jumble. This will produce healthy delusions of grandeur essential for your column being roundly mocked, such as (a) I am funnier than Stephen Colbert, (b) Obama could turn his ratings around if he just texted me, and (c) with this column, I will successfully teach you mouthbreathing half-apes some motherfucking civility if it kills me.

  7. You can just feel how patronizing the selection is going to be. It’s definitely going to be a real American: A soccer mom who writes about “important” children’s issus, or someone from real America.

  8. Oh I do hope there are some talented & motivated trolls out there polishing their skills right now. I can imagine any number of connect-the-dots types of columns utilizing every dumb columnist trope, device and tic. The aforementioned taxi driver, multiple references to digging, six month deadlines, rationalizations for war, racism and denying sick people medical care; all must be incorporated by some slob out there with too much time on his/her hands. Please jesus, let the Post be punked.

  9. The rules of the dumb contest will require a lawyer.

    Sample Piece:

    In my opinion Barrack Hussein Obama should be impeached & removed from office because of his birf certificate. Nuclear weapons should be our first choice when negotiations fail. Torture should be applied to all suspects, regardless of citizenship in USA. Torture is good, once you have been water boarded, it is duly noted that those suspects ask for more sessions. Martial law should be declared once Glen Beck is installed as the next president. The media should be abolished, except for those that tell the truth, such as FOX news. Internment camps should be developed and utilized for all left wing (democrats) radicals. Abortion will be criminalized in all cases, no exceptions! Rape & incest included! Religious messages will be taught in all elementary schools and only creationist or intelligent design will be on the curriculum. I don’t think I covered all the bases, but give me time.

  10. I’m thinking America’s next great pundit will be someone who just puts up a carefully selected and arranged sequence of well-made Blingees or someone who puts up a snarky fun selection and arrangement of those photos you see when you accidentally type xxx nubile girls fucking into a Google search box but the intro to this contest talks about “writing.”

  11. Extra points if your column mentions how important print journalism is to the fortunes of our great nation, and how, despite all evidence to the contrary, 15th and L is not in danger of becoming “Zombieland” (extra points also awarded for topical pop cultural reference mentioning a regular advertiser — in this case, a movie studio).

  12. [re=421871]Marmel[/re]: Well, you’re already quite an accomplished blog whore, so you’ve got the right amount of hey-look-at-me-mom to actually do well in this lame contest.

  13. [re=421871]Marmel[/re]: Oh look, the blog whore is back. Someone point this annoying clown in the direction of yesterday’s final post. People with decent blogs can’t whore here under theat of banishment, yet this trashy whore gets away with multiple offenses daily. Where is the justice?

  14. In a world without pundits, the living will envy the… well actually, I guess they’ll just go on living, and probably won’t even notice that anything’s missing.

  15. Oh goody! Here’s my chance to follow in the footsteps of my idol Rachel Maddow. Er, uh, I think she got her start this way. Or wait, was that the Brady Bunch? Well, either way, my life is about to mimic a 30-minute sitcom. And in the end, I wind up with the ten thousand dollars we need to keep our house plus my own show on teevee. Only in America.

  16. We live blogging this Senate Health Care hearing shindig? I thought we could watch our public option disintegrate together. I want to understand how a Democratic majority can a fuck a good thing up.

  17. This is puzzling. Were the editors just perusing some of the comments at WaPo and thought, “Hey, some of these sharp minds ought to be writing for us?” Becuase in that case, journalism is in worse shape than I thought. Not to mention the English language.

  18. O alas and alack, the discretionary differences between writing, typing, and thinking. On a good day you have Wonkette (all three). On a bad one, Lady Nooningshire.

  19. [re=421893]El Pinche[/re]: Some people want to fill the world with shitty blues-rock-funk bands. And what’s wrong with that. I’d like to know. Cuz here I go…again.

  20. Republicans need a skoalrebel to represent. He is the true voice of the common sense American patriot: Jesus-loving, retarded, angry, white, and of course, fat (and gay).

  21. “(Contestants…should be prepared to put in about eight hours a week for three weeks.)”

    It’s this kind of work ethic that has made the Washington Post’s editorial page such a public treasure.

  22. [re=421936]Harvey Birdman[/re]: Yes, I failed to mention that we do have some kick ass winners in A-town like Octopus Project.
    And yes, Shorts will have to get special permission from WaPo to publish entirely in ALL CAPS with no gay ass punctuation. He might throw in some ASCII art of guitars and wolverines like cope straight, yall.

  23. A contest where the prize is that you get to write for newspapers? I think I would rather be an elevator operator or a soda jerk at the drugstore lunch counter.

  24. [re=421902]SayItWithWookies[/re]: I’m sort of hoping that you are going to try out for this, mostly because I want you to be paid to write stuff. Please? Teh jernilizms are in need of your wit!

    Or Shorts. Either way.

  25. For a split second, I actually considered submitting a serious entry. And was a good one, the kind of erudition and sanity and clear English that so rarely appears on editorial pages. And then I hit “Select All” and “Delete”, because who the fuck would want to work for the Washington Post?

  26. Sounds delish. Wonder if they’ll let me name my column if I win? I’m thinking “Der Vierte Reich Zeitung” has a nice ring to it. Or maybe “Roma Nova, Anus Moraliti”…

  27. “..they should be prepared to put in about eight hours a week for three weeks.”

    Jesus, just come out and say it, they’ll have to bring their liFe to a full stop. Eight hours a week, Jesus, may as well turn off their computer, change out of their Snuggies and move out of my THEIR parents basement.

  28. The Washington Post, which your Wonkette Fact-Checking Desk has Googled and apparently used to be some sort of newspaper, back in the 70s

    It’s true, it’s true.

    (I don’t know whether to laugh or cry at what it’s become.)

  29. So… we’ve reached the point where major contest prizes now include “a steady job?” Why didn’t they just advertise this “contest” on craigslist like everybody else in town?

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