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Lo! The Wretched Ancient Saga Of Liz Cheney

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According to several popular children’s ghost stories books, centuries ago Dick Cheney created another in the image of himself. He called it “Liz,” for he liked to draw out the zzzz and allow the vibrations produced by the humans’ language tickle his tongue-organ. According to legend, when little boys and girls don’t listen to their parents, the Liz Monster will emerge from the bowels of hell to waterboard them to death, or until they produce actionable intelligence. WELL: Everyone must have been on their absolute worst behavior lately, as the Liz Monster has materialized to not-torture us all!

Cheney has come armed with a website, which somehow doesn’t even exist. To regain the energy-power she loses in maintaining what appears to be the daguerreotype of a website, she engages in excruciating banter with Michelle Malkin. Specifically, this involves Cheney and Malkin calling one another “sister”—despite the existence of Cheney’s actual sister, an ineffective horcrux whom everyone likes to call “Mary” with varying degrees of irony. Beware the Sirens’ song:

“Hey sister!” the conservative columnist Michelle Malkin greeted Ms. Cheney. They posed for pictures and air-kissed. Ms. Malkin proclaimed herself a “fan girl” and told Ms. Cheney she was “doing a great job out there.”

Working with only a Yahoo account, Ms. Cheney has been fielding dozens of speaking and interview requests a month, accepting many. (She declined to be interviewed for this article, saying she was uncomfortable with a story focused on her rather than her policy beliefs.) She is scheduled to appear at fund-raisers for Republican candidates through the rest of the year, and is a co-founder of a Web site, KeepAmericaSafe.com, that is scheduled to go online next month as a forum, resource and publication devoted to hawkish conservative views.

And what’s more: Liz Cheney might run for office instead of slithering back into the Matrix like the Bible predicts her doing. Until then, she leaves only the unreal website KeepAmericaSafe.com as a horrific warning to naughty children of what fate awaits them across the undergloom.

[New York Times]

About the author

Juli Weiner was Wonkette's beloved intern and books columnist and then morning editor until she was hired away by Vanity Fair in 2010.

View all articles by Juli Weiner


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  • AbstinenceOnly Ed

    What manner of Creature is it, this Liz-being?

  • seriouscat

    Great, just what the country needs: another conservative blog by some “well respected”-yet-has-no-real-power-anywhere wingnut.

  • Gun-toting Progressive

    I think the website is actually along the lines of “Keep America’s AFE,” which we all know is about maintaining the Advanced Flow Engineering group, bringing innovation to high flow, high performance air filters & cold air intake systems for the automotive industry. It’s good to see she’s involved in so many endeavors.

  • Come here a minute

    The website will be available when the webmaster receives the owl from She-who-shall-not-be-named.

  • Naked Bunny with a Whip

    I’d really rather not think about Dick Cheney’s tongue-organ, thank you very much.

  • Snarkalicious

    Female mututal masturbation is sposed to be hawt. Why am I so turned off by this?

  • Jim Demintia

    Can such things be,/ And overcome us like a summer’s cloud,/ Without our special wonder? You make me strange/ When now I think you can behold such sights,/ And keep the natural ruby of your cheeks,/ When mine is blanched with fear.

  • Monsieur Grumpe

    Not real or under construction?

  • Crank Tango

    I am in favor of “subverting meritocracy” as long as it means shit like this, and not letting poor people into college.

  • TheShadow

    The funny part is if you Google keepamericasafe.com, the first thing to pop up is the ACLU

  • slappypaddy

    “They posed for pictures and air-kissed.”

    air-headed poseurs, wind-bags blowing in unison.

  • takes12no1

    keep America safe from what? Kenyan black muslim terrorist commie socialists? Just say what you mean bitch!

  • dr.giraud

    “She declined to be interviewed for this article, saying she was uncomfortable with a story focused on her rather than her policy beliefs.”

    Because OF COURSE Liz Cheney naturally would be given a national platform for her policy beliefs based on her extreme brain-thought brilliance, not based on her status as the spawn of Dick.

  • TGY

    I have a vision of the future: Liz will hate-fuck Megan McCain, literally and literarily.

  • Extemporanus

    “…the Liz Monster will emerge from the bowels of hell…”

    You’re referring to Dick Cheney’s colostomy bag, right?

  • Hopey dont play that game

    Revelations 42:17: And when the Angel of death opened the fourth seal the skies darkened and the seas boiled. The guilty and the innocent were burned with white hot coals. Cities disappeared from Google Earth. The Angel gave forth a child named Liz and her name became a curse.

  • Extemporanus

    [re=420974]dr.giraud[/re]: Hey, some of her best friends are dick spawn!

  • KilgoreTrout_XL

    Hard to tell if this particular Cheney-person is actually dumb enough to put a forum on his/her/its own website. If this is true then it’s the best news I’ve heard all day. I can’t imagine that Dick thinks this is a good idea though.

    I call dibs on “KillAllMonoritys4Freedom_USA_gunz123”.

  • comicbookguy

    [re=420972]slappypaddy[/re]: Nice haiku!

  • V572625694

    “a Web site, KeepAmericaSafe.com, that is scheduled to go online next month…”

    You have to wonder who keeps the Big Schedule of Web Sites. Because when ordinary mortals (non-Cheney-connected and not possessed of “Yahoo accounts”) create Web sites, they just appear within a few minutes after being FTPed to the host server, as soon as the Domain Name Servers propagate the URL. So this Web site, KeepAmericaSafe.com, promises to be wonderful. Maybe they’ll get Angelfire to host it.

  • freakishlystrong

    [re=420953]AbstinenceOnly Ed[/re]: It is a hawkish one, spawned from an unholy union of a dick and a gorgon. When it speaks, only like minded hawkish ones can hear it, for the tone is so strident and false, it requires an education of less than the 2nd grade to understand it.

  • Cape Clod

    That’s amusing. New York and Washington were attacked on her dad’s watch and she’s got a website called ‘Keep America Safe?’ I don’t really trust someone named Cheney with that job.

  • queeraselvis v 2.0

    Now now, [re=420991]V572625694[/re], using FrontPage is HARD.

  • Uncle Joe

    She’ll be the best U.S. senator from Wyoming since Craig Thomas.

  • teebob2000

    What has to happen exactly for these fucks to all be discredited and laughed into exile? They’ve been wrong about everything — I mean, literally everything — from the moment of conception of PNAC up to now. I don’t get it.

  • sati demise

    nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ad infinitum

    (sign of the cross)
    But will she ever figure out that defending her dads torture chambers is a big political liability?

  • HipHopOpotamus

    Horcrux? I thought Republicans didn’t believe in reading Harry Potter.

  • Hedley Lamar

    I’d like to be the first to thank Julie for picking up the slack
    in the absence of our dark overlords Ken and Sara. You tickled
    my tongue organ.

  • Average Citizen

    Could it be that this ineffective horcrux is the true father of President Obama?

  • Naked Bunny with a Whip

    Did anyone tell Liz that GeoCities is shutting down next month?

  • TheJerkStoreCalled

    “Clips of Ms. Cheney’s on-air smack-downs with liberal adversaries have become viral sensations among conservative bloggers — most recently, an interruption-fest with Sam Donaldson over the C.I.A.’s interrogation methods on ABC’s “This Week.”

    When Mr. Donaldson said that everyone he knows thinks torture and waterboarding are wrong, Ms. Cheney shot back: ‘Waterboarding isn’t torture, and we can go down that path. The lack of seriousness here is important.'”

    Uhhh… oh, SNAP! You got, um, SERVED, ah, anyone who thinks waterboarding is torture! Ouch! Textbook… “smack-down”!(?)

    (I didn’t (couldn’t) watch that particular smack-down, but I’m wondering if the tone of “Waterboarding isn’t torture, and we can go down that path” was really “Waterboarding isn’t torture, and to prove it I’m going to ram this garden hose into your sinuses.” That just feels more authentically Cheney-esque, to my ears anyway)

  • Vartan84

    This Juli character has turned out well for Wonkette, I find her articles hilarious!

  • hobospacejunkie

    Policy beliefs? Is public policy now governed by a set of religious tenets rather than analyses and reason? Well of course it is. Or was under W where every major policy decision was decided on the basis of discarded ideology, mainly that the rich should own everything & everyone else should die in wars fought to further enrich our satanic overlords.

  • GreatOldOnesParty

    Why is it every time I hear the term “fan-girl” I always want to add “yaoi” to it?

  • Madeline

    As soon as her website becomes available, I bet we’ll all be lizzing!

  • AutomaticPilot

    obvs. we are not safe until this website is online. WHAT IS THE HOLDUP?????

  • SayItWithWookies

    There’s nothing wrong with Liz’s nonexistent website. It’s cut from the very same cloth as Dubya’s Strategy for Victory in Iraq, the Republican healthcare plan, the Republican proposal to balance the budget, Dubya’s various Marshall Plans for Iraq and the Middle East and Central Asia, and Michael Steele’s plan to rebuild the Republican Party.

  • nader paul kucinich gravel

    MSM ordered to censor G20.
    8 more years just like the last 8?
    Gates speaks as if he is a Cheney Clone.
    Judeofascists loved promoting their “Islamofascism” propaganda.
    Carrots(bribery) Sticks(murder) Coercive Diplomacy(extortion & blackmail).

    Did you see all the same bloodthirsty AIPAC-paid recycled neocon shills on TV selling more war for profit?

    Watch as they pretend to know nothing of the mounting 9/11 evidence, whistleblowers, & leaks that point to them

  • sezme

    LIz Cheney plans to run for office as a collection of policy beliefs, not in her actual human form. Which would be terrifying.

  • zwack000

    This ticking time bomb scenario is so overrated and melodramatic. I am sure the cheneyites and their spawn would salivate at the slightest possibility of applying the pulling of fingernails, the applying sexual insult and the partial drowning. Sadly they always stop short when considering the final reckoning of such actions.

    I think anyone put in the “ticking” scenario would probably resort to “enhanced interrogation”. But the real question is what does one do after the application of these techniques no matter what the outcome – successful, unsuccessful or indifferent – to these illegal means of interrogation.

    A truly heroic figure would, I imagine, confess their behavior and would voluntarily submit themselves to a proper legal forum – judge,jury and prosecutor – and explain their situation and accept any judicial ruling on the matter.

    I do not see a cheneyite submitting to this. It is well documented how Mr. Cheney himself used every means available to him to avoid active service during the Vietnam war. At the same time he loved to promote violent conflict just as much as he loved himself so much as to avoid it personally. So we know where he stands on responsibility.

    My question to Ms. Cheney is if you did break the law and torture (i.e. enhancely interrogate) would you voluntarily submit to a court of law and take responsibility for your actions? We all know your father has not. Would you follow him in his not so courageous footsteps?

  • BeWoot

    [re=420963]Jim Demintia[/re]: Excellent!

  • S.Luggo

    [re=420963]Jim Demintia[/re]:
    It is a basilisk unto mine eye,
    Kills me to look on’t.

    Liz is the muffin-muncher, right?

  • S.Luggo

    [re=420991]V572625694[/re]: If you google keepamericasafe.com, you’re taken to an ACLU site. Suck on it, Liz.

  • Mr Blifil

    I was wondering what ol’ Sandpaper Cunt was up to.

  • Bruno

    Can I sign up for the

    Cheneydidnt keepamericasafe.com email address? I’m willing to pay $4.99 a year for that.

  • Joey Ratz

    [re=420961]Naked Bunny with a Whip[/re]: You mean this?


  • Naked Bunny with a Whip

    @Joey Ratz: *facepaws*

    I didn’t need to be reminded of that, either!

  • LoweredPeninsula


    You had me at “slithering back into the Matrix”.

    [re=420980]Hopey dont play that game[/re]: “Cities disappeared from Google Earth”


    Revelations 42:17 – And, lo! When the angel opened the seventh seal, the ground around Langley trembled violently, and out rose a corpulent, pasty, bespectacled beast with a torso-length surgical scar crossing it. The creature manipulated various gaseous bladders within it to produce multiple grunts and sounds, and yea, 25% of the people continued to follow it even after they became aware of its hideous state. Seeing their waning interest, the bloated beast in painful spits and starts vomitted a nuke across the sea to land in Paris and the faithful cheered and joyously followed him to hell.

  • PerhapsSo

    Doesn’t “keep[ing] America safe” imply that we were safe in the first place? When has this country ever been safe?

  • Anni

    Liz Cheney has five children. Why isn’t she taking care of them? Is her husband taking care of them? If it is hired help, should we know that; in the interests of family values. I mean, really. If you have five kids under age 12, how do you have time to do anything but take care of them. If she isn’t doing it, who is?