Lo! The Wretched Ancient Saga Of Liz Cheney

According to several popular children's ghost stories books, centuries ago Dick Cheney created another in the image of himself. He called it "Liz," for he liked to draw out the zzzz and allow the vibrations produced by the humans' language tickle his tongue-organ. According to legend, when little boys and girls don't listen to their parents, the Liz Monster will emerge from the bowels of hell to waterboard them to death, or until they produce actionable intelligence. WELL: Everyone must have been on their absolute worst behavior lately, as the Liz Monster has materialized to not-torture us all!

Cheney has come armed with a website, which somehow doesn't even exist . To regain the energy-power she loses in maintaining what appears to be the daguerreotype of a website, she engages in excruciating banter with Michelle Malkin. Specifically, this involves Cheney and Malkin calling one another "sister"—despite the existence of Cheney's actual sister, an ineffective horcrux whom everyone likes to call "Mary" with varying degrees of irony. Beware the Sirens' song:

“Hey sister!” the conservative columnist Michelle Malkin greeted Ms. Cheney. They posed for pictures and air-kissed. Ms. Malkin proclaimed herself a “fan girl” and told Ms. Cheney she was “doing a great job out there.”

Working with only a Yahoo account, Ms. Cheney has been fielding dozens of speaking and interview requests a month, accepting many. (She declined to be interviewed for this article, saying she was uncomfortable with a story focused on her rather than her policy beliefs.) She is scheduled to appear at fund-raisers for Republican candidates through the rest of the year, and is a co-founder of a Web site, KeepAmericaSafe.com, that is scheduled to go online next month as a forum, resource and publication devoted to hawkish conservative views.

And what's more: Liz Cheney might run for office instead of slithering back into the Matrix like the Bible predicts her doing. Until then, she leaves only the unreal website KeepAmericaSafe.com as a horrific warning to naughty children of what fate awaits them across the undergloom.

[ New York Times ]