Wonkette
Yeah so former Nixon speechwriter and the *original* New York Times “lightning rod conservative” columnist William “Bill” Safire died yesterday. Whaddaya want us to do about it, jesus… Anyway, Gawker found the most interesting/brief way to Honor this, the most recent political death: with this TERRIFYING bit of alternate history Safire drafted for Nixon in the event that Armstrong and Aldrin got STUCK on the moon and had to just sit there and DIE. [Gawker]
It’s still better than Peggy Noonan’s “slipped the surly bonds of Earth to touch the face of God, only to find out that God didn’t like being touched and slapped them back down to Earth in a giant fireball.”
Awww — it sounds as if they just liked it too much to leave. “Tranquility base to Houston, we’d like permission to just stay in this desolate environment and suffocate, over.”
In 2002, he also recommended we “invade Iraq in peace.” How’d that turn out?
It seems so noble and poignant and not the “I blame that Irish cocksucker Kennedy, that motherfucker Texan Johnson, the Jews, the Saucer people, Hippies, Peaceniks and Reverse Vampires, but mostly those fucking Jews” speech that I would have expected a Nixon Speechwriter to have done for Tricky Dick.
Only in Nixonverse could suffocating to death in a leaden space suit be considered resting in peace. Sweet tears o’ baby jebus.
He didn’t address the important question. Would Mrs Gorsky still have had to follow through?
P.S. Thank goodness the moon landing took place in a Yorba Linda soundstage.
P.P.S. Don’t hit me, Buzz Aldrin!
ManchuCandidate: That was Patty Patty Buke Buke’s department.
Actually, this is a good speech. It would have been read to an anxious nation by a total asshole, though. Kind of like if Lincoln’s Second Inaugural had been delivered by George Wallace.
“In case our intrepid Astronauts find themselves beset by malicious Moon-men bent on their destruction, and perhaps subsequent mastication, our Astronauts shall be provided with acrid Sulfur tablets to ingest upon capture, rendering their flesh stringy, bitter, and unpalatable, thus preventing humanity from becoming adjudged delicious space-cattle for future harvesting at the cruel, calloused hands of intergalactic space-cowboys. Also, kindly professor Leary and the CIA have furnished me with some delectable little tablets of lysergic acid and lo, I am trippin BALLS man.”
That’s one small sentence for a man; one giant speech for mankind.
“Fate has ordained” = “Boy did NASA sure fuck up!”
There the Republicans go again, deflecting blame to some nebulous noun.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
But think of all the other riffs on “peace” he could have done! IN EVENT OF IN-TRANSIT ROCKET DISASTER: Fate has ordained that the men who went into space to explore in peace will remain in space in a thousand pieces.
Could this be the precursor to our modern day “We’re fightin’ ‘em over there so we don’t have to fight ‘em over here.”?
It was a cool blast from the past seeing the speech addressed to H. R. Haldeman and that reminded me that if the astronauts had died up there the novelization would have been written by E. Howard Hunt, so, you know, thank God the guys got back okay.
Now poor old Bill Safire sits in a tin can. Planet Earth is blue and there’s nothing he can do.
‘Buzz’-kill.
After proofreading by Nixon: “These brave Americans have decided to stay and defend the lunar territory against Communist attack; not like the cocksucking French would have.”
And Collins?
Was he supposed to stay in the moon’s orbit and die too??
Or crash and take out the other two???
Now Safire is gone and we will never know!!!!
SayItWithWookies: “Houston to Tranquility Base, only if we get to stay in this desolate environment and suffocate too, over.”
DangerousLiberal, I agree that it is a good speech. It is also a sign of how times have changed, the current Republican Party wouldn’t allow any of that anti-Christian Mother Earth / Gaia garbage.
Fate has ordained….Fate has ordained??? That sounds too much like those godless founding fathers. We don’t put “In Fate We Trust” on our currency, do we, Bill?
Bill Safire is now burning in hell forever. The End.
He forgot to mention, after death, plant a “MISSION ACCOMPLISHED” Banner.
Major Tom didn’t need a speech.
And I would have thought for sure they would call in Burt Lancaster to round up a rescue team.
Not sure I fully understand the timing there - I presume:
- call widows to be
- get on tv and start the address while the astronauts are suffocating
- shut down the communications, presumably while the spacemen are in their
death throws???
pub_option: If it happened today, the Astronauts would TWITTER their final:
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!
And then cut to the president.
That’s about the most heart breaking thing I’ve ever read, and I can’t imagine Dick delivering it.
If it was me who was realizing I was going to die on the moon I wouldn’t wait to suffocate. I’d cut a hole in my space suit & freeze-dry myself instantly. Then my descendants could visit me in the future when tourist travel to the moon becomes an everyday reality.
RoscoePColtraine: So now that Safire’s most assuredly dead, are we consigning his soul to the “deepest of the deep.” Because I can see how being in hell might be a step up from being a Nixon speechwriter.
MGBYG: “We salute our two brave astronauts and that chickenshit Collins who thought he took the safe job.”
hobospacejunkie: if it was me dying I would take out my stash of weed and start smoking it.
He could have mentioned the fact that they took their golf clubs with them. You know, to take some of the horror out of it. Safire was entirely too dark.
hobospacejunkie: Have you ever tried freeze dried astronaut? It’s quite tasty.
What happened to the one where Nixon blames it on Soviet sabotage and then launches a devastating first-strike? From the Maine to the Gulf of Tonkin, we’ve never let a good tragic accident go to waste.
Wonkette 2037 A.D. will post Peggy Noonan’s never delivered speech for Reagan in case of global thermo-nuclear war.
Scruffy_The_Janitor: If they knew they were going to die up there, I wonder if Armstrong would have sat down next to Aldrin in the Lander and said,
“Buzz, it’s looking like we might not get out of this alive. I know astronauts have a reputation for getting a lot of sex but the truth is I’ve never, you know, been with anybody. I don’t want to die a virgin, Buzz, so I was wondering if you… That is, could you… I mean, do you want to…”
shadowMark: “Alternate Presidential Address to the Nation In the Event of Moon Disaster” thread on Wonkette finally meets it’s requisite buttsecks comment. I didn’t want to be the one to do it.
That’s really depressing. But it also reminded me of the importance of being ready for any and every possible disastrous situation, including being eaten by wolves.
shadowMark: So Buzz replies “Look Aldrin..there was a time in college when I did experiment with what you’re wanting…but ever since I was cleansed of those desires, I no longer have those needs. So unless you want a boot up your ass, back off…”
That’s a great speech, and Ima let you finish, but Ralph E. Williams wrote the greatest speech of all time…
How do we know Obama isn’t planning on sending our seniors to the moon with no intention of bringing them back? I’d like to see the long form itinerary for future NASA launches that says they will NOT be sending the old to die in space subsisting on a diet of moon dust.
Kind of an awkward Rupert Brooke reference. “Some corner of another world that is forever mankind?” Sounds too contrived. (Then again, William Safire, so.)
“And, to insure that our two brave astronauts do not suffer, we will now blow up the moon.”
OMFG… does this speech really, actually, truly start out with a pun?!
The original title of the memo was:
“In Case Top Secret Moon Landing Hoax is Compromised”
Serolf Divad: Where? I don’t see it. Go in peace/rest in peace? If that’s a pun, then I am going to have to re-evaluate my love of puns.
‘We can’t wait to see the pictures of all that stuff we left on the moon’
MSM ordered to censor G20.
8 more years just like the last 8?
Gates speaks as if he is a Cheney Clone.
Judeofascists loved promoting their “Islamofascism” propaganda.
Carrots(bribery) Sticks(murder) Coercive Diplomacy(extortion & blackmail).
Did you see all the same bloodthirsty AIPAC-paid recycled neocon shills on TV selling more war for profit?
Watch as they pretend to know nothing of the mounting 9/11 evidence, whistleblowers, & leaks that point to them
“At the point when NASA ends communication with the men…”
Boy, how fucking awkward would that be?
“Okay, so…we’re going to hang up now. Again, really wish we could do something for ya, we really do. Um, so…. yeah, uh, also, look, it wasn’t up to me - I mean, it really doesn’t matter who said it - but, could you try not to radio back after we’re done here? You know how it goes, right? Alright, wellp! Bye!”
Crazybroad: one of the best SNL sketches evar.
And all this time I thought they were going to the moon to wage war. Hippie peaceniks eat shit and die.
shadowMark:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z9QTMTlxnq0&feature=PlayList&p=536F0FEC3C2A680D&index=11
Norbert: Oh, he delivered that speech all right:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zv13ZnkpWos
William Safire was a class act and I do pray that he rests in peace. His successors in conservative commentary don’t deserve to lick his shoes, let alone walk in them.
The best part about it, is he was too junior to write anything that even CC’ed Nixon. He had to get his bosses approval first.
This was in case the astronauts said anything remotely communistic from the live sound stage to 1 billion people and they had to be “disappeared”
shadowMark: Scruffy_The_Janitor: You all are killing me, here.
ManchuCandidate: Another win.
AbstinenceOnly Ed:
Nixon: “In the event that mankind finds itself amongst a hostile moonkind on their seemingly desolate ball of dust (which is to be terraformed into an American military base and spaceport), we shall offer them all of America’s Negroes (either for labor or sustenance, we do not care) in exchange for exclusive development rights and peace. In the event of the rejection of the offer, we’d request that you detonate the pre-installed nuclear device on your lunar lander. Only then, my fine men, will you belong to the ages.”
P.S. Win one for the Gipper. Also.
P.S.S. “Scratch that. If they reject the offer of the Negoes, add in those damned Jews to sweeten the pot. We’ll take care of the dirty fucking hippies, ourselves.”
This isn’t news, guys. This isn’t even the really fucked up EVIL speech.
Safire also wrote the speech Nixon was supposed to give the astronauts first, slightly longer than this, along the lines of “it appears the mission has gone tits up, men, so say your prayers and take one for the team; you’re ordered to vent your vehicles and suits; at the end of this announcement we’re going to secure radio comms to spare your loved ones grief and your country embarrasment, vaya con Dios, CLICK.”
And they WERE going to shut down all the comms, too, because hearing people pleading for their lives and watching the telemetry as cabin pressure slowly flatlined and vital signs went haywire and then gradually dropped to nothing were judged too demoralizing for ANY security classification or even the National Archives, let alone the bootlegs that would inevitably get out and have to be tracked down and destroyed.
The whole plan was a work of dark genius. “Break it to them gently,” as devised by military-industrial types, penned by Safire and delivered by Nixon, was pretty much everything you’d expect with a cherry on top. Remember, Eisenhower felt comfortable saying there was no U-2 pilot to be captured, because hundreds of people died in spy planes during the Cold War and only one survived — because his ejection seat MALFUNCTIONED (and his hatch wasn’t bolted shut by the ground crews like so many other planes were). That’s the mentality at work here.
Somewhere, someone is using this as a springboard for their alternate-history fiction.