MINISTRY OF TRUTH  9:46 am September 28, 2009

Why Is Weird Bill Clinton Still So Paranoid?

by Juli Weiner

Haha Bill Clinton, who even is this guy? Not that you would even know this by reading the corrosive falsehoods spread by the so-called media, but back in the 90s, he was the victim survivor of a “vast right-wing conspiracy,” a phrase he and his wife cold made up that quickly became one of the Clintons’ buzzy catchphrases. And Bill Clinton’s vast right-wing conspiracy, or BCVRWC as it is known in the BCVRWC secret dungeon planning control chamber, is as sinister and formidable as ever! Its henchmen are everywhere, and they continue to accuse Barack Obama of murdering Vince Foster. Clinton will simply not stand for this!

See, individuals are saying untrue things about the President! Well, isn’t this is the crucial evidence of a vast conspiracy that THEY don’t want you to notice, asked David Gregory in bad faith. Clinton’s like:

“Oh, you bet. Sure it is. It’s not as strong as it was, because America’s changed demographically, but it’s as virulent as it was.”

“I mean, they’re saying things about him [Obama] — you know, it’s like when they accused me of murder and all that stuff they did,” Clinton said, in an apparent reference to conspiracy theories surrounding the suicide of White House deputy counsel Vince Foster.

Bill Clinton will not rest until people are PROHIBITED to stop saying untrue things about the President. This is called “Fascism,” and one can only assume Clinton is disappointed he is not responsible for this zeitgeisty neologism as well.


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samsuncle September 28, 2009 at 9:59 am

Hillary trained that dog to detect any suspicious odors on Bill crotch.

samsuncle September 28, 2009 at 10:02 am

[re=420586]samsuncle[/re]: make that Bill’s crotch.

Chain Tattoo September 28, 2009 at 10:08 am

Now he gets blowjobs from dogs? I guess it’s better than an intern. Hillary is evidently down with it.

bfstevie September 28, 2009 at 10:09 am

[re=420587]samsuncle[/re]: I thought you meant William Crotch, the English composer, organist and artist, who wrote that great oratorio titled The Captivity of Judah in 1834.

Thanks for clearing that up.

gurukalehuru September 28, 2009 at 10:11 am

They are vast, they are right wing, and they perspire. They probably a-conspirin’, too, whatever that means.

ManchuCandidate September 28, 2009 at 10:14 am

Sorry Bill, the angry stupids will be with us. Always.

trondant September 28, 2009 at 10:15 am

[re=420587]samsuncle[/re]: Sometimes a penis is just a penis.

hobospacejunkie September 28, 2009 at 10:15 am

[re=420589]bfstevie[/re]: So the crotch is named after an organist? That seems likely.

V572625694 September 28, 2009 at 10:16 am

“Watch what you say, watch what you do.”
— Ari (“Airy”) Fleischer, press secretary to, uh, let’s see…oh yeah, it was Chimpy, not Bill and not Barry.

nightshift September 28, 2009 at 10:17 am

Anyone know the whereabouts of lardass Linda Tripp or purty Paula Jones? Wonkette needs to do a WEHT. I could use the google, but I am oh so lazy…

WadISay September 28, 2009 at 10:18 am

Just because you are paranoid does not mean that people aren’t out to get you.

PsycGirl September 28, 2009 at 10:19 am

That ought to be good for another YouTube video by skoalbandit.

Advocatus_Diaboli September 28, 2009 at 10:24 am

How come under 8 years of the worst administration ever we couldn’t come up with a vast left-wing conspiracy? Fucking lazy libruls.

dave666 September 28, 2009 at 10:32 am

[re=420590]gurukalehuru[/re]: no, thats the vast right guard conspiracy.

trondant September 28, 2009 at 10:36 am

[re=420606]Advocatus_Diaboli[/re]: Hey, I’ve been going at it hammer and tongs over here with ACORN trying to get whorehouses set up all over America ever since FloriDUH 2000. Don’t tell me I didn’t do my part.

Jumping Jim September 28, 2009 at 10:40 am

The Right wing conspiracy did ruin his legacy.

That and a saucy, beret wearing intern from California with a mouth more wide open then her eyes.

queeraselvis v 2.0 September 28, 2009 at 10:46 am

@Juli: “zeitgeisty neologism” made Bill Safire starburst FROM THE GRAVE. Well done!

Eric Cheney September 28, 2009 at 10:50 am

Is that a ‘wiener dog’?

gurukalehuru September 28, 2009 at 10:53 am

They exist. Oh, yes, they exist. NaderPaulKucinichGravel has repeatedly told us so. Or he is them. I’m not sure which.

OReillysVibrator September 28, 2009 at 10:59 am

The sarcasm is hitting me from all sides here, Juli. Who should I snark at, Bill Clinton, or every Republican? I think I’ll just go to Vince Foster’s grave and laugh at him.

Gorillionaire September 28, 2009 at 11:00 am

Hillary is so cute in that pic.

ManchuCandidate September 28, 2009 at 11:01 am

I thought NPKG was reciting “We Didn’t Start The Fire.”

Spike September 28, 2009 at 11:05 am

If Bill Clinton didn’t want to be accused of murder he shouldn’t have murdered that guy.

Capricatony September 28, 2009 at 11:09 am

The VRWC is still there, but it’s a new world. Black presidents can get away with a lot of things now, like inhaling, and being black.

Gallowglass September 28, 2009 at 11:13 am

You guys remember when VRWC seemed like a crazy, paranoid idea? Oh, to be innocent again.

shadowMark September 28, 2009 at 11:15 am

[re=420595]V572625694[/re]: Watch what you say, watch what you do

… because SkoalRebel is out there putting the pieces together.

Crazybroad September 28, 2009 at 11:15 am

Juli, [re=420630]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: Are we supposed to believe anything these librul Clintons (who we all know are “congenital liar[s]“) say? Especially if their librul speechifyin’ involves “zeitgeisty neologisms”?

DangerousLiberal September 28, 2009 at 11:21 am

I hear the dog is named “Fluffer”

GreenHalo September 28, 2009 at 11:25 am

The Simpsons: Hey, remember a generation ago when you didn’t suck ass?

The Clintons: Did somebody speak? Somebody who didn’t suck ass a generation ago?

Rinse and repeat. Hey, did you hear? The Clintons Movie is gonna come out after they quit doing the weekly thing. I can hardly wait.

dijetlo September 28, 2009 at 11:32 am

[re=420606]Advocatus_Diaboli[/re]: Who do you think got Hopey elected?
Listen, just because we don’t go on the TV and bark at the moon, doesn’t mean we don’t exist. You need to remember we didn’t set out to silence the wingtards, we wanted to overthrow the government and install a Nigerian born dictator with a fascist/socialist/Islamic tendencies.

Mission Accomplished, Muthafugas.

proudgrampa September 28, 2009 at 11:34 am

[re=420663]Crazybroad[/re]: Or maybe even zeitgeisty protologisms…

[re=420671]GreenHalo[/re]: God, I miss the ’90s (when they didn’t suck ass). Also.

GreatOldOnesParty September 28, 2009 at 11:35 am

[re=420588]Chain Tattoo[/re]: what do you mean “now”?

Mahousu September 28, 2009 at 11:51 am

[re=420596]nightshift[/re]: Linda Tripp spent several years not working for the government, but still getting paid. Then she got fired, sued, and used her settlement money to get plastic surgery. Now she runs a year-round Christmas store in Virginia.

Paula Jones blew through her settlement money, so she posed nude for Penthouse, then blew through that money, so she had a celebrity boxing match with Tonya Harding, who beat the crap out of her. And she’s out of money again.

You’re probably sorry you asked now.

nightshift September 28, 2009 at 12:55 pm

[re=420688]Mahousu[/re]: A pox on you! I am eating lunch right now. The image of LT in a year-round Christmas store made me spit out my food laughing, then the mental image of Paula Jones in Penthouse made me throw up in my mouth.

That said, I think a reality show with these two in an RV travelling across this great land doing odd jobs would be a hit. They’d be the new Paris and Nicole!

Extemporanus September 28, 2009 at 1:20 pm

I wanna know when someone is going to address the vast buffalo wing conspiracy!

BUFFALO DON’T HAVE WINGS, PEOPLE! And even if they DID, do you really think that they’d be SO FUCKING SMALL?!

PsycGirl September 28, 2009 at 1:27 pm

[re=420827]Extemporanus[/re]: They’re from a special minature breed of buffalo. Don’t be such a sizeist.

jodyleek September 28, 2009 at 1:31 pm

[re=420827]Extemporanus[/re]: Well, no one would eat them if they were called Buffalo tumors, now would they?

Extemporanus September 28, 2009 at 1:51 pm

[re=420838]PsycGirl[/re]: What can I say? I’m prejudiced against pocket pemmican.

[re=420843]jodyleek[/re]: I thought that dipping sauce tasted a little chemo-y.

Peaches _bamf September 28, 2009 at 2:29 pm

Your article is ill conceived and horribly written. “because like” almost ever reply is completely off topic.

Ignorance and inability to support our President does not make this a free country and no plan will ever succeed to end the economic crisis with people yelling for their rights instead of yelling for what is right.

nader paul kucinich gravel September 28, 2009 at 4:05 pm

‘How dare you’

MSM ordered to censor G20.
8 more years just like the last 8?
Gates speaks as if he is a Cheney Clone.
Judeofascists loved promoting their “Islamofascism” propaganda.
Carrots(bribery) Sticks(murder) Coercive Diplomacy(extortion & blackmail).

Did you see all the same bloodthirsty AIPAC-paid recycled neocon shills on TV selling more war for profit?

Watch as they pretend to know nothing of the mounting 9/11 evidence, whistleblowers, & leaks that point to them

blinky_twinkie September 28, 2009 at 4:29 pm

[re=420935]Peaches _bamf[/re]: “‘because like’ almost ever reply is completely off topic” is such a zeitgeisty neologism.

Car Ramrod September 28, 2009 at 4:34 pm

[re=421045]nader paul kucinich gravel[/re]: Rock over London! Rock on Chicago! Heinz: it’s America’s Favorite Ketchup!

Zorg September 28, 2009 at 6:24 pm

Say, aren’t the Libertarians, teabaggers, Ayn Rand readers and NRA members all supposedly rugged individualists and such? So, how can they submit to the sort of invisible, ruthless authority that a vast conspiracy requires? I think Bill should just use the term H.L. Mencken invented for these people, the “Boobocracy.” That would be snide, condescending, elitist, the way real Democrats should be. That’s why I am supporting Barney Frank for President.

LoweredPeninsula September 28, 2009 at 10:36 pm

In order for it to be a conspiracy, it has to be a secret; it’s not, neither when he was president nor now. Bill has always been too kind about this subject. Bill has always been right about the existence of this cultural entity.

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