CHILDREN'S GUESSING GAMES  11:30 am September 25, 2009

Let’s All Guess Who Will Get Ted Kennedy’s Ballin’ Office

by Juli Weiner

Ted Kennedy’s been dead for what, a decade or so, in Kennedy-zeitgeist years? It is high time America’s other Senators begin tactlessly speculating about who will get his ritzy deluxe Capitol Building office! Here are the specs: third floor, the Capitol Building, Mall views, “a rustic coffee table that appeared to be hewn out of the old deck of a sailboat,” etc. etc. “It sounds pretty,” said Alabama Senator Richard Selby. First, that coffee table thing actually sounds a bit kitschy. And second, hey, fuck you Richard Selby, show some RESPECT. That office belongs to Ted Kennedy’s ghost until Senate Rules Committee chairman Chuck Schumer gives it to someone else… But WHOM?

Here are all possible recipients, excluding the boring ones like Daniel Inouye (D-HI):

Patrick Leahy (D-VT): as the third ranking member of the Senate—after Ted Kennedy’s ghost and Robert Byrd—he has a pretty good (legitimate) shot at the office. And lo! The nonchalant confidence of a winner: “I don’t feel comfortable talking about Ted,” said Leahy.

Chuck Grassley (R-IA): had not even heard of this Kennedy guy, let alone his haunted sailboat museum, but loves cool shit. ““I don’t think I’m going to move,” said Grassley, the 10th-ranking member of the Senate, but after a moment he asked, “Is it interesting?””

WILDCARD: Caroline Kennedy: She is the obvious replacement to do anything that any other, better Kennedy used to do.

[The Hill]

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bureaucrap September 25, 2009 at 11:33 am

Uhhh…in the Spirit of dick cheney’s VP search committee, wouldn’t Chuck Schumer just give it to Chuck Schumer? I’m sure he agrees that would be the most fair for everyone.

Chain Tattoo September 25, 2009 at 11:35 am

Robert Byrd, FTW!
Prime real estate like should go to a senile drooler with tons of seniority.
The place can be renamed the Dead Kennedy Home for Superannuated Senators.
Maybe Jello Biafra can provide some entertainment for the olds during structured play time.

jasper f. krone September 25, 2009 at 11:37 am

Wait–isn’t Grassley from Antarctica, not Utah?

qwerty42 September 25, 2009 at 11:38 am

[re=419304]bureaucrap[/re]: how about Cheney himself?

the problem child September 25, 2009 at 11:40 am

Wait, they let them keep the furniture? Isn’t that table part of the Kennedy estate?

Doglessliberal September 25, 2009 at 11:41 am

Not to be pedantic, but it’s Senator Richard Shelby

Lascauxcaveman September 25, 2009 at 11:42 am

Caroline Kennedy would be perfect, since they’re looking for someone just to fill in and vote like Teddy for few weeks until they can elect a real senator, at which time she’ll be ready to move on again.

Oh, wait. You’re talking bout filling his office, not his office.

Larry Fine September 25, 2009 at 11:42 am

Is there a shag carpet on the floor?

Uncle Joe September 25, 2009 at 11:43 am

There should be a contest. Whichever Democrat can get Max Baucus, Kent Conrad, Ben Nelson and the rest of the Senate Democratic Wingnut Caucus to shut up and do what they’re told gets the snazzmatazz office. As a bonus, the winner would also be named Senate majority leader.

Bypartizoa September 25, 2009 at 11:45 am

It should go to his window, Orrin Hatch.

magic titty September 25, 2009 at 11:45 am

Is the desk good for changing diapers? Because there’s a junior Senator from Louisiana…

Dreadful Gate September 25, 2009 at 11:45 am

Is this the famous Kennedy Shaggin’Shack? Then John Ensign gets it, totes!

BerkeleyFarm September 25, 2009 at 11:46 am

Byrd probably has _the_ most kick-ass office already due to that seniority thing. Anyway, it wouldn’t do to change things around for him so much.

Leahy or Inouye would be excellent choices for that real estate. Although if it would make Grassley not be an idiot, or help Lugar or Hatch swing some R votes for healthcare reform, I’m for it.

Norbert September 25, 2009 at 11:46 am

Inhofe, DeMint, Bunning could be stuffed inside and the door boarded over from the outside. Slide a single raw steak under the door once a week.

Native of SL UT September 25, 2009 at 11:47 am

Now you’ve gone and pissed me off Juli. Isn’t it bad enough that I have to suffer with Bennett and Hatch? Now you’ve gone and given me Grassley too?

Tundra Grifter September 25, 2009 at 11:48 am

[re=419314]Larry Fine[/re]: WIN!

PS: The “rustic coffee table” is probably made from a hatch cover – not the deck – of a freighter (not a sailboat). Just guessing here…

proudgrampa September 25, 2009 at 11:49 am

[re=419314]Larry Fine[/re]: YEAH! In that awful orange/green color from the 70′s!

Doglessliberal September 25, 2009 at 11:50 am

[re=419326]Norbert[/re]: don’t even treat them to steak. Make them eat the school lunches that subsidized lunch children have to eat.

Jim89048 September 25, 2009 at 11:50 am

In a showy show of support for the status quo, it should be sold to the highest bidder. It’s capitolism, People!

Come here a minute September 25, 2009 at 11:53 am

Why not Al Franken?

Snarkalicious September 25, 2009 at 12:00 pm

Section 8 housing, perhaps?

Clancy_Pants September 25, 2009 at 12:03 pm

I like the longshot. $2 on Roland Burris to win.

Monsieur Grumpe September 25, 2009 at 12:05 pm

[re=419314]Larry Fine[/re]:
I heard the floor was all beach sand a la Brian Wilson.

gurukalehuru September 25, 2009 at 12:07 pm

[re=419331]Jim89048[/re]: Ted Kennedy’s office is a fucking valuable thing. You don’t just give it away.

MARCdMan September 25, 2009 at 12:07 pm

[re=419341]Snarkalicious[/re]: Or a cube farm for staffers. I bet it’s big enough to build a Dilbert Maze.

AbstinenceOnly Ed September 25, 2009 at 12:09 pm

I’ve heard Blagojevich might just parachute himself right on in there.

Canmon (the Inadequate) September 25, 2009 at 12:09 pm

Give it to Olympia Snowe if she supports the public option.

Buzz Feedback September 25, 2009 at 12:22 pm

I’ll take it. I’m paying for the fukking thing.

hobospacejunkie September 25, 2009 at 12:31 pm

[re=419326]Norbert[/re]: Let ‘em starve. It’s the least they deserve. And then give the office to Inouye. He’s a WW2 vet. He actually deserves it.

Extemporanus September 25, 2009 at 12:37 pm

The first thing that I’d do if I got Kennedy’s office would be to remove all the death paneling. That oughtta brighten the place up a bit.

Extemporanus September 25, 2009 at 12:39 pm

[re=419314]Larry Fine[/re]: Any carpet in a Kennedy office is, by its very definition, “shag”.

imissopus September 25, 2009 at 12:43 pm

[re=419314]Larry Fine[/re]: And a rotating bed.

queeraselvis v 2.0 September 25, 2009 at 12:43 pm

[re=419381]Extemporanus[/re]: Looks like somebody’s angling for the Platinum Commenter star. +1.

queeraselvis v 2.0 September 25, 2009 at 12:47 pm

Mark Begich should be in the running, if nothing else but because its recompense for the PTSD he got from having to deal with her highness, the khedive of Wasilla.

Rev. Peter Lemonjello September 25, 2009 at 1:10 pm

I just assumed the Senate would make use of the liquor stockpile and turn it in to DC’s chicest bar.

Bypartizoa September 25, 2009 at 1:39 pm

[re=419318]Bypartizoa[/re]: WIDOW, that is

Suds McKenzie September 25, 2009 at 2:10 pm

Ellen Degeneres

Extemporanus September 25, 2009 at 2:25 pm

Oh, by the way, Juli?

It’s “bawlin’”. How sad that your spelling failure has rendered your news article irrelevant.

Extemporanus September 25, 2009 at 2:28 pm

[re=419387]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: You’re just biased in favor of interior design jokes.


Click September 25, 2009 at 2:49 pm

I just love that post-mortem photo of Teddy.

Click September 25, 2009 at 2:51 pm

[re=419582]Extemporanus[/re]: I thought she was referring to the office where all the good fucking goes down.

OzoneTom September 25, 2009 at 7:20 pm

On a related topic, I wonder who will get Mike Duvalls office in Sacramento?

I mean the furniture must be impregnated with splooge and air-filtration clogged with airborne dessicated little-swimmers.

Seriously, they need to get CSI in there with their fluorescent lights.

LowerdPeninsula September 26, 2009 at 1:27 am


You used ballin’ in a title, so I loved you even more than before, if that’s humanly possible.

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