children's guessing games

Let’s All Guess Who Will Get Ted Kennedy’s Ballin’ Office

Ted Kennedy’s been dead for what, a decade or so, in Kennedy-zeitgeist years? It is high time America’s other Senators begin tactlessly speculating about who will get his ritzy deluxe Capitol Building office! Here are the specs: third floor, the Capitol Building, Mall views, “a rustic coffee table that appeared to be hewn out of the old deck of a sailboat,” etc. etc. “It sounds pretty,” said Alabama Senator Richard Selby. First, that coffee table thing actually sounds a bit kitschy. And second, hey, fuck you Richard Selby, show some RESPECT. That office belongs to Ted Kennedy’s ghost until Senate Rules Committee chairman Chuck Schumer gives it to someone else… But WHOM?

Here are all possible recipients, excluding the boring ones like Daniel Inouye (D-HI):

Patrick Leahy (D-VT): as the third ranking member of the Senate—after Ted Kennedy’s ghost and Robert Byrd—he has a pretty good (legitimate) shot at the office. And lo! The nonchalant confidence of a winner: “I don’t feel comfortable talking about Ted,” said Leahy.

Chuck Grassley (R-IA): had not even heard of this Kennedy guy, let alone his haunted sailboat museum, but loves cool shit. ““I don’t think I’m going to move,” said Grassley, the 10th-ranking member of the Senate, but after a moment he asked, “Is it interesting?””

WILDCARD: Caroline Kennedy: She is the obvious replacement to do anything that any other, better Kennedy used to do.

[The Hill]

About the author

Juli Weiner was Wonkette's beloved intern and books columnist and then morning editor until she was hired away by Vanity Fair in 2010.

View all articles by Juli Weiner
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  1. bureaucrap

    Uhhh…in the Spirit of dick cheney’s VP search committee, wouldn’t Chuck Schumer just give it to Chuck Schumer? I’m sure he agrees that would be the most fair for everyone.

  2. Chain Tattoo

    Robert Byrd, FTW!
    Prime real estate like should go to a senile drooler with tons of seniority.
    The place can be renamed the Dead Kennedy Home for Superannuated Senators.
    Maybe Jello Biafra can provide some entertainment for the olds during structured play time.

  3. Lascauxcaveman

    Caroline Kennedy would be perfect, since they’re looking for someone just to fill in and vote like Teddy for few weeks until they can elect a real senator, at which time she’ll be ready to move on again.

    Oh, wait. You’re talking bout filling his office, not his office.

  4. Uncle Joe

    There should be a contest. Whichever Democrat can get Max Baucus, Kent Conrad, Ben Nelson and the rest of the Senate Democratic Wingnut Caucus to shut up and do what they’re told gets the snazzmatazz office. As a bonus, the winner would also be named Senate majority leader.

  5. BerkeleyFarm

    Byrd probably has _the_ most kick-ass office already due to that seniority thing. Anyway, it wouldn’t do to change things around for him so much.

    Leahy or Inouye would be excellent choices for that real estate. Although if it would make Grassley not be an idiot, or help Lugar or Hatch swing some R votes for healthcare reform, I’m for it.

  6. Norbert

    Inhofe, DeMint, Bunning could be stuffed inside and the door boarded over from the outside. Slide a single raw steak under the door once a week.

  7. Native of SL UT

    Now you’ve gone and pissed me off Juli. Isn’t it bad enough that I have to suffer with Bennett and Hatch? Now you’ve gone and given me Grassley too?

  8. Tundra Grifter

    [re=419314]Larry Fine[/re]: WIN!

    PS: The “rustic coffee table” is probably made from a hatch cover – not the deck – of a freighter (not a sailboat). Just guessing here…

  9. Doglessliberal

    [re=419326]Norbert[/re]: don’t even treat them to steak. Make them eat the school lunches that subsidized lunch children have to eat.

  10. Jim89048

    In a showy show of support for the status quo, it should be sold to the highest bidder. It’s capitolism, People!

  11. gurukalehuru

    [re=419331]Jim89048[/re]: Ted Kennedy’s office is a fucking valuable thing. You don’t just give it away.

  12. hobospacejunkie

    [re=419326]Norbert[/re]: Let ‘em starve. It’s the least they deserve. And then give the office to Inouye. He’s a WW2 vet. He actually deserves it.

  13. Extemporanus

    The first thing that I’d do if I got Kennedy’s office would be to remove all the death paneling. That oughtta brighten the place up a bit.

  14. queeraselvis v 2.0

    Mark Begich should be in the running, if nothing else but because its recompense for the PTSD he got from having to deal with her highness, the khedive of Wasilla.

  15. Rev. Peter Lemonjello

    I just assumed the Senate would make use of the liquor stockpile and turn it in to DC’s chicest bar.

  16. Extemporanus

    Oh, by the way, Juli?

    It’s “bawlin’”. How sad that your spelling failure has rendered your news article irrelevant.

  17. Extemporanus

    [re=419387]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: You’re just biased in favor of interior design jokes.


  18. Click

    [re=419582]Extemporanus[/re]: I thought she was referring to the office where all the good fucking goes down.

  19. OzoneTom

    On a related topic, I wonder who will get Mike Duvalls office in Sacramento?

    I mean the furniture must be impregnated with splooge and air-filtration clogged with airborne dessicated little-swimmers.

    Seriously, they need to get CSI in there with their fluorescent lights.

  20. LowerdPeninsula


    You used ballin’ in a title, so I loved you even more than before, if that’s humanly possible.

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