Ted Kennedy’s been dead for what, a decade or so, in Kennedy-zeitgeist years? It is high time America’s other Senators begin tactlessly speculating about who will get his ritzy deluxe Capitol Building office! Here are the specs: third floor, the Capitol Building, Mall views, “a rustic coffee table that appeared to be hewn out of the old deck of a sailboat,” etc. etc. “It sounds pretty,” said Alabama Senator Richard Selby. First, that coffee table thing actually sounds a bit kitschy. And second, hey, fuck you Richard Selby, show some RESPECT. That office belongs to Ted Kennedy’s ghost until Senate Rules Committee chairman Chuck Schumer gives it to someone else… But WHOM?
Here are all possible recipients, excluding the boring ones like Daniel Inouye (D-HI):
Patrick Leahy (D-VT): as the third ranking member of the Senate—after Ted Kennedy’s ghost and Robert Byrd—he has a pretty good (legitimate) shot at the office. And lo! The nonchalant confidence of a winner: “I don’t feel comfortable talking about Ted,” said Leahy.
Chuck Grassley (R-IA): had not even heard of this Kennedy guy, let alone his haunted sailboat museum, but loves cool shit. ““I don’t think I’m going to move,” said Grassley, the 10th-ranking member of the Senate, but after a moment he asked, “Is it interesting?””
WILDCARD: Caroline Kennedy: She is the obvious replacement to do anything that any other, better Kennedy used to do.