Wonkette
While riding bikes with one of his sons, delicate human being Mark Sanford fell and sprained both wrists. Immediately, Sanford publicly blamed the episode on another person, specifically his own child. “[My son] had not yet learned the rules of the road, so to speak, and he turned left and I was stupidly locked in my pedals. So down I went. I was lucky I didn’t break both wrists.” So, smooth move kid. Anyway, what he really wants to talk about is his broken heart, which has been inexorably hemorrhaging into the rapids of a spiritual Rio Panama. His family is also to blame for this. [GreenvilleOnline]
ha,ha, you losers, Juli likes me. She gave me my Mark story early in the day so I don’t have to beg for something about mark the douchebag before the weekend.
Typical Republican, blaming his son with some made up story to cover up the fact he forgot to warm up before spankin’ the monkey.
He goes on to say that he stupidly ran in some race and his wrists really hurt afterward. I concluded from the story that somehow Mark Sanford runs on his wrists. Is this a South Carolina thing?
Ooh, classy, Mark. Your kid hasn’t been through enough, so you need to let the world know that his ignorance caused you physical injury.
I hope he’s the one picking out your nursing home one day.
Yeah, his son *accidentally* turned in front of him after he traded in the kid’s mom for an Argentine harlot on national TV.
Maybe “he turned left, so to speak” can join “hiking the Appalachian Trail” in the new lexicon.
95.67% of middle age male bike crashes are caused by the peddler being distracted by passing boobage. Sanford needs one of those three wheeled bikes.
http://www.orangewoodshadows.com/ladysm.jpg
This is a extended metaphor, people. The son turning left unexpectedly symbolizes his affair with the hot Argentinian piece of ass, while Markie’s being “stupidly locked in my pedals” is his current loveless marriage to Jenny. And the whole sprained wrists thing is obviously a veiled reference to his limp-wristed lieutenant governor. C’mon, don’t you people read Flannery O’Connor?
“so to speak”? What metaphor, pray tell, is he representing by “rules of the road”?
I can’t even begin to go into “stupidly locked in my pedals.”
parenthetical: I was going to say, my own kid did this to me once (when I was first teaching her how to ride), and yet I have never famously cheated on my wife.
After I limped home (sprained ankle, lacerated hand and forearm) the damn toe clips came off the bike for good.
One Yield Regular: “Rules of the Road” probably refers to the Republican’s family values platform. People claim to value both, yet violate them regularly.
I thought he meant he tried to hold down his kid for incest but the kid’s too big now & threw Pops to the ground. I may be reading too much into this. Then again, The Guv hasn’t denied this version of events.
“So down I went.”
Oh, Mark.
Lascauxcaveman: Have you infamously cheated on your wife, since you state this with such Albert-Gonzales-like precision?
queeraselvis v 2.0: We don’t have to read O’Connor. Godless libruls like us done been believin in nuthin our whole lives.
It’s time to allow our hapless governor to limp off the stage, out of the spotlight and disappear into the obscurity he so richly deserves. It’s bad enough that you’ll see his picture every time you look up “moran” in future editions of Webster’s Collegiate. Right there next to Joe Wilson’s.
Monsieur Grumpe: I believe your statistics are skewed. Gay middle aged bikers (like me), including many ‘publican congressmen, pay close attention at all times to the lycra covered ass of the 15 year old boy riding in front of them.
It is really neck and neck between Sanford and Edwards for Douche O’ the Year.
queeraselvis v 2.0: Let’s go deeper. I’m sure there’s Oedipal symbolism in this incident somewhere.
Zadig: Aaaaaaand of course I didn’t check the story tags. Well played, Ms. Weiner.
parenthetical: You are entirely correct, however we at GHOPAC discourage the use of the word ‘harlot’ as it shortens to ‘ha’ and makes people take us less seriously than ‘ho’, which actually should be ‘who’ when you think about it. Never mind.
As an aside, GHOPAC has extended tentative feelers *cough* to ACORN to investigate a power sharing agreement. GHOPACORN is a little hefty as acronyms go, though.
OutBrokin’Spokin’Pokin’
Guy’s a douche.
I blame pop culture. Rap music and reality shows give this guy no template for understanding life’s complexities. Once upon a time Mark would have turned on his FM radio–no static at all–and any country singer would have made sense of everything for him:
I blew out my flip-flop
Stepped on a pop-top
Cut my heel had to cruise on back home
But there’s booze in the blender
And soon it will render
That frozen concoction that helps me hang on
Wasting away again in Margaritaville
Searching for my lost shaker of salt
Some people claim that there’s a woman to blame
But I know it’s my own damn fault
bfstevie:
I stand corrected and will revise my spreadsheet. Damn gay agenda.
Hey, way to spend quality time with your kids. I’m sure all that hot latina rumourmongering did nothing to make those outings awkward in the least.
wait…
Like did he tell the stupid-bike son, “Son, you a dumb ass. I’m taking your brother on the foot race since your dumb ass don’t know the rules of the Appalachian trail. Also I might run off the trail a few times and boff some other guy’s wife. I can’t expect you to lie right to the media and cover my skeezy ass. You’re out of the will…”
Way to go Mark Sanford’s family. Always fuckin’ a man’s shit up. Jeez.
So I suppose if his mistress gave him herpetic lesions on his johnson, he’d go home and fuck his wife anyway, and then attempt to diminish how badly he was hampered by the stinging and sharp pain.
Mr Blifil: Is that the same thing as Argentinian Cooties?
Zadig: Heh. Given Sanford’s love of wordplay, I fully expect him to pen a Faulkneresque tome any day now. Only with more commas and buttsecks.
Mark Sanford IS the gift that keeps on giving!
The South Carolina governor that falls must diverge.
before i had kids, i could blame everything on my parents. as soon as the first muffin popped out of the oven, i could blame everything on my kids. it’s great stuff. i’ve never had to take responsibility for anything in my entire life. i could be in politics!
Come here a minute: Better. Good Cuntry People.
queeraselvis v 2.0: Do you think in his novelization of his life he’ll reveal that he was really only flying to Argentina to work a second job to earn money to buy a horse?
Oh noes! This is serious! How will he masturbate to pictures of his loss Argentinian hottie?
“Stroke..ow! Stroke…ow!”
Paterlanger: Well played! Plus, if Sanford gets booted from the governorship, he can always end up working as postmaster of the Columbia post office before getting fired for drinking on the job.
And later that day, Mrs Sanford took the left turning tike on a shopping spree where he was appropriately awarded.
V572625694: Gaddanged lawyers everywhere.
Poor guy. No, wait, check that. Stupid douche bag. That’s better.
His chain slipped off the gears of love.
Then there was that inevitable crash. The feeling of emptiness.
Is he hiring a ‘helping hand’?
http://greenville.craigslist.org/hea/1390812065.html
Lascauxcaveman: You know what Ari used to say: “Watch what you say, watch what you do.” Ah….good times!
So now there’s two limp-wristed South Carolinians in higher office?
queeraselvis v 2.0: Hey now, let’s be fair. Mark Sanford may not lack for shortcomings, but the miserable failure does appear to know what a period is.
Also, after further consideration, I have figured out a dark truth: In the live-action Oedipus Rex reproduction that is Mark Sanford’s life, Sanford is not Oedipus, but is in fact King Laius! The Bicycle Incident is but the first attempt on Smarmy Mark’s life! Alert the police, and have this child under surveillance!
Way to throw your own kid under the bus, Marky-Mark. What’s your next parenting trick?
Mr Blifil: herpetic lesions — like snake bites? Because that would be totally appropriate.
I hope that Oedipus Rex something again. I can totally hear the voice over:
Spanning the globe to bring you the constant variety of spark! The thrill of victory…and the Antigone of defeat! The human drama of arthritic competition! This is South Carolina’s Wide World of Suck!
Zadig: So Jenny is Jocasta? I can totally see that. And Andre gets to play Tiresias. Bonus!
PsycGirl: It’s an evolution thing. He wouldn’t understand.
Doglessliberal: My money’s on Edwards. He only rides stationary bikes, yet could still find a way to crash one. “Hey! John! Watch out for that illegitimate daughter up ahead!”
In Sanford’s fall
We sinned us all.
PsycGirl: It was a race on behalf of autism research. He was required to flap his hands in front of his face from start to finish. Hence the sprain.
S.Luggo: I love you, Gilbert.
Locked his pedals? Locked his pedals? How the hell did he lock his pedals? I’ve been riding real bicycles for decades and I’ve never “locked the pedals”! How do you lock the pedals? What, is he riding a kiddie bike? Lock the pedals? To keep those neandertal South Carolinian rednecks from stealing them? Locked his pedals? What, did some doofus stick a stick in ‘em? What, did he install his brakes on his pedals? Locked his pedals, my ass! He must’ve had a real thought, which scared him, and he plumb fell off.
So what’s happened to Ms.Argentina? No interviews with her?
Well now, folks, here is classic song that Mrs. Sanford can relate to: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0wSn15DFnYQ