Wonkette
Hey did you guys know that Condi Rice is a dipshit still? It’s in the latest news information! “The last time we left Afghanistan, and we abandoned Pakistan … that territory became the very territory on which Al Qaeda trained and attacked us on September 11th. So our national security interests are very much tied up in not letting Afghanistan fail again and become a safe haven for terrorists … It’s that simple… if you want another terrorist attack in the U.S., abandon Afghanistan.” So… the Bush Administration wanted another terrorist attack in the U.S. between 2002 and 2008? This is the last time we ever trust that Karl Rove. [Crooks & Liars]
“Our democracy wasn’t so perfect at the beginning either,” she said, citing her own family’s experience in the pre-Civil Rights era.
Wow. I have no words.
How can she be a “dipshit”, she plays the Harpsichord or something.
Claiming that if we leave Afghanistan/Iraq would make the world safer for terrorism is SO 2003-2004. Did Condi also mention that “In Da Club” was a bitching tune and how much she loves the OC?
There’s nothing like your whole academic career being evaporated into uselessness by the collapse of the Soviet Union, which showed in her complete disinterest towards briefings about obvious marginalia like ‘Bin Laden being Determined to Strike the U.S.’ n’ shit.
Condi should speak through Jane Velez “the Powerhouse” Mitchell from now on. Me and Nancy Grace would listen.
Fuck you Condi, and the sparkly pony you rode in on!
I miss Princess Sparkle Pony.
Condi, there are some people — myself included — who think that after seven-and-a-half years of Dubya fuckuppery and neglect, that Afghanistan isn’t completely beyond hope and that we’re actually making some progress there. For the sake of these people, could you please shut up?
Buckwheat is all growns up.
Hmmm…I didn’t know we were bogged down there before. I guess I need to go back to school or does she mean when her fearless leader, Bush, left and focused on Iraq? Anyway, I thought those were Saudis who attacked us not Afghanis. But, my thinkin’ ain’t what it used to be.
Jesus, we are going to be paying for the Cheney years for-fucking-ever, aren’t we?
Seems like the classy thing for Stanford’s provost or whatever she is now would be to keep her head down and hope people would forget she was involved in the Bush train wreck. If she decides to speak up people will remember her role in the most ham-fisted, ill-conceived clusterfuck of imperial hubris in world history.
And didn’t Cheney say you were mainly the Soviet studies intern or something? Just play the piano and pretend you were in prison or something during 2001-2009.
The pic looks like she’s about to be eaten alive by a giant loaf of Wonder Bread (white)
where was she when the lights went out?
Lazy Media:
We all do, LM. We all do.
Damn. Dave Chappelle looks like shit.
DickTaterPeeNoShay: I believe that’s an homage to the “house burgers” she was forced to eat as a child.
Can’t we send her to Afpak to run a brothel for our lonely soldiers?
How’s she doing without her husband?
All that study of the Soviet Union really rubbed one off on her; now she refuses to admit we’re licked in Afghanistan— she’s like Brezhnev with access to an eyebrow trimmer.
For Condi, with love and squalor:
“Do not become a sausage made of many things which are useless, and do not become a guide on behalf of your blind ignorance.” — The Teaching of Silvanus, 88:17-21, Nag Hammadi Codex VII.
Topless.
Eat a bag of vag, Condi.
Isn’t taking foreign policy advice from Condi kind of like taking financial advice from Wall Str—
oh, wait.
nevermind.
…now if only she had this foresight prior to 911 or invading IRAQ!!! And by “foresight” I mean the ability to read a fukkin memo titled “Bin Laden determined to attack inside the U.S.”!!!
OK, now we know exactly what to do in Afghanistan and Pakistan.
Withdraw our military and send in the humanitarian aid and the diplomats.
Just do the opposite of what Cheney and Condi say! happy endings!
Palin/Rice 2012 — It sounds like baling hay and I’m not just whistling Dixie.
chascates: the most ham-fisted, ill-conceived clusterfuck of imperial hubris in world history
British India says hi.
Car Ramrod: In defense of the Raj I’m enjoying an IPA at the moment.
slappypaddy: Thanks for the inspirational quote. I believe the modern version is “keep you mouth shut” . Or, for those few who have an actual public HS education “Is it better to keep your mouth shut and let people wonder if you are a fool, than to open it and remove all doubt?”
The perfect solution for that part of the world has already been tested with great success:
“Three cups of Tea”
zhubajie: You mean Randy Bean (of ‘Rice and Bean’ fame)?
god she’s a horrible lying piece of shit
war-criminal too
I’m abandoning all hope and promise in the Bush administration.
Jim, I think that instead of “Condi Roundup” you might be better to go with “Condi Dry Hump” in the future. It has a certain truthfulness so rare with any Condi encounter.
The guilty now think threats will protect them
I suppose the etymology of “dipshit” is simply indicating the fecal waste of a dip (uncouth person), but I want to think of it as more balletic than that. Of course, that would put it beyond the capabilities of a stiff like Rice.
Suds McKenzie: Don’t think of Condi as a mere dipshit, but a “Dipshit Savant”. She can play a range of keyboard instruments and speak in complete sentences. She just doesn’t understand post cold war realities and their political ramifications. GW is a mere dipshit as he cannot speak in complete sentences and has no other discernable talent.
Pithaughn: He’s up for the Nobel Prize, because Mary Bono loves him. I’m trying to remain all detached and don’t-care-y about it, but I can’t help but root for the guy.
Lazy Media: Ha! I saw him in the cafeteria at the National Gallery, where he works, but was too in awe of his stardom to approach.
SayItWithWookies: I am of your ilk in this regard, though I’ve been a bit squeamish about outing myself as someone who thinks: a) if we let the A-stan go, very bad ju-ju will ensue; and b) that for some inexplicable reason, we actually have people…in charge, no less…who have a damn good grasp of what successful counter-insurgency looks like.
Bear in mind, this is from someone who believes to the very fiber of his being that every last vile criminal involved in the planning/prosecution of Iraq should have starring roles in Nuremberg II: This Time It’s Personal.
um, ya…nothing funny there. How ’bout, “Carne Argentina, lo mejor carne”
Rotundo: Yes, ‘classically clueless’.
I think she’s just had one to many moonshots.
Rotundo: Clearing brush?
Ho sit down.
DickTaterPeeNoShay: I think the implication is that she is a giant loaf of Wonder Bread. Or, she likes mayonnaise sandwiches with lots of mayonnaise, on Wonder Bread.
“When you’re wounded and left on Afghanistan’s plains,
And buck-toothed young Condi just spins through your brain,
Just think of her naked, with ‘Palin The Pain,’
And screaming ‘OH GOD!’ like a ‘Ho-er.”
Kipling died too young. Or maybe just in time. Whatever.
From C&L. Also.
I see your Condi, and raise you a Malkin.
~
Lazy Media: Me, too! And the ugly tourbus photoblogging…
Didn’t she move to Paraguay?
Around the block, she pushed the Af/pak conflict
She pushed it in the spring time, in the merry month of May
You meed not ask her why the hell she pushed it.
She pushed for her legacy as it fell, fell away.
Fell away…..
Fell away….
She tried to make a legacy but it fell, fell away.
The Bushies know, their only chance at glory
A bloody terrorist attack, from Iran they’ll likely say.
and if you wonder why the hell they’d want that
They want that for their legacy as it falls, falls away.
Falls away…
Falls away…
For Bin Laden to strike the homeland, day and night they pray.
Lazy Media: Me too, me too.
Wonderbread?? DY-NO-MITE!!
I hope someone thanked her for her insightful input. Along with a snarky slow-clap.
Neilist:
When you’re walkin’ down the hall
And you feel something fall (like foreign policy)
Condoleezza Condoleezza
When you didn’t get the memo
And yer shit begins to yellow (like Uranium!)
Condoleezza Condoleezza
When your administration fails
And all the cronies bail (like everyone!)
Condoleezza Condoleezza
Anyone feel free to add..
To her point, if anybody should know about the cost of forgetting terrorists, it would be the National Security Advisor on 9-11.
hoosiermama: Or perhaps just the proverbial doughy pantload.
I heartily endorse Condi’s plan to keep America safe in Afghanistan by attacking and militarily occupying forever the Pakistan, the Irania, whatever Iraq is still left, the House of Sudz, them little A-rab countries, that place Omar Sharif came from, Kenya and New Hampshire. Or, we might just try arresting terrorists.
Lest we forget: 9/11 happened on her watch.
Diastema is a bitch.
user-of-owls: Hell, if the troofers out themselves here, so can I. We can win Afghanistan if we pay attention to three things: One, this is not Vietnam because we are aware that this is a counterinsurgency and are finally fighting it as such; two, in order to win the populace, we have to give the Afghan people more security, economic stability and freedom than the Taliban, which is setting the bar pretty fucking low; and third, the Pakistani military and people are actually cooperating with us now and kicking the Taliban out of their country — which makes this the one time we should seize the opportunity, because such a confluence of favorable factors will never happen again.
Not to discount that the cost is going to be huge. But somebody’s going to have to solve the problem, and if we pull out now, when many factors are going our way, when will be a better time?
And President Obama’s just the person to understand that this isn’t just a military problem. It’s an education problem, an economic problem, a human rights problem, an engineering problem, a social problem, an organizational problem and any number of other issues. Dubya promised a Marshall Plan for Afghanistan in early 2002 — nothing fucking happened, and look where we are now. All the above problems involve a failure of nation building, which was what he was against from the beginning of his campaign and that failure is absolutely what he promised would happen. We have a rare second chance, and we ought to commit to real nation building and get it right.
My, but I do go on. I really shouldn’t text while on the Interstate.
Take yer gap-toothed buckteeth and shuddupa ya face, Condi. Nobody fucking asked you. People prefer to forget failures, and that’s all you are, a sycophantical failure of biblical proportions.
“We can win Afghanistan if”: we switch names with Texas! Then Af. would be much easier to invade, as it would be next door. Texas we could leave alone.
Eh shaddup ya uppity Negress.
Hey, “We can win Afghanistan” types, remember the Fall of Saigon? Hanging onto a helo skid? That’s not possible in Kabul: the carriers and the ocean are too far away. Think about the one survivor of Britain’s First Afghan War, staggering into Peshawar.
ifthethunderdontgetya: There is no end to the depth of my hatred for Malkin. She is just a spiteful nasty piece of goat shit and I think probably the craziest of the crazies. I mean, Becks is utterly nuts in the same way some homeless guy who can’t get his lithium is nuts…if we could get him the right meds he’d have a shot at pulling through. But Malkin has no redeeming qualities whatsoever. There is a special place in hell reserved for her.
zhubajie: Oh, heck, we could “win” in Afghanistan. But we’d have to use the old “China Sea” solution proposed by those of us who were knowledgeable about Vietnam. It had three steps:
1. Take all the Vietnamese and put them on ships in the South China Sea.
2. Nuke the entire county from one end to the other.
3. Sink the ships.
SayItWithWookies: Tell me you’re joking. Otherwise, we’ll save you a front row seat at the Battle of Gandamak, Part II.
zhubajie: A candid photo of Wookie’s “Victory Ride”?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Remnants_of_an_army.jpg
Condi has been sort of cranky ever since Laura stopped allowing her to come over and moon at the President all the time after they left the White House.
Doesn’t Condi know? Stealing old material always gets you boo-ed off the stage on open mic at the comedy club. Especially if it’s Cheney’s old material.
zhubajie: This idea has merit. But won’t Republicans miss all that high class heroin produced in what has now become Texas?
Wookies,
You’ve just lost all of your brilliance points. Do not pass go; do not collect $200. Geeze.
stumpycuse: “Buckwheat is all growns up.”
Fuck you, you racist. I can’t stand Condi, but you’re vile ass needs a ban with the quickness, and that no one so much as said anything is a little worrisome.
This whole thread was filled with much disappointment. I have much sad, today.
Well if it’s so fucking simple, Condi, then why did we hire a whole person (you!) to know shit like this for us??
Most irrelevant Secretary of State ever.
p.s. shoutout to Wookies: ignore this illiterate riff-raff. You tried to prod them to think, which apparently hurts.
gurukalehuru: ex-Secretary of State.
Well, since the only solutions are to work to prop up a corrupt government or go in and actually run the country, we are pretty much not going to win here. The people do not want us running the show and seem to want Karzai running the show even less. In terms of a threat to us though, what the hell are they going to do? It would be like the odd claims about Iraq flying drones all the way across the ocean, but with explosive-filled donkeys.
SayItWithWookies: “We” can never “win” in Afghanistan because no matter how many people we send over there, they will always have more. We will always be the foreign invaders no matter how “noble” our cause.
There are war criminals in ever corner of this round earth. Yes, Bin Laden should be arrested. We should not be occupying Afghanistan. Condi is an idiot and a war criminal. Arrest her and Cheney first. That’ll be easier than winning in Afghanistan.
gurukalehuru: She seemed pretty irrelevant while she was still the active Secretary of State.
I’d like to clarify that when I made the “uppity Negress” remark earlier, I was doing faux-ignerrent like the yahoos bitching at Michelle Obama.
Neilist: Something like that. I refer you to the account in George MacDonald Fraser’s _Flashman_. This is a novel, but realistic enough that it was mistaken for a real memoir when first published.
user-of-owls: If we leave the Afghans alone, they will fight with each other, as usual. If we let them raise opium, addiction will keep many of them quiet.
Re opium, by the way, it’s raised legally in Tasmania; why not Afghanistan?
“if we let the A-stan go, very bad ju-ju will ensue; ”
The bad ju-ju is on its way, in any case. It will be Americans slaughtering liberals rather than ragheads, gooks, spics, etc. Aren’t you aware that sales of guns and ammo went through the roof as soon as Obama was elected and haven’t declined? That isn’t just to shoot beer cans. The buyers are pretty obviously the same sort of people who become teabaggers, birthers, anti-obamacare fanatics, etc. Imagine a televangelist telling his flock to “smite the wicked”. Flee the wrath which is to come!
SayItWithWookies: Here’s what I’d do. After reading the CNN story yesterday about the widespread rape, beating, and other violence toward women in Afghanistan, I think we should invite them all to leave their assaholic male relatives and live in communities built by us. We deprogram them, educate them, teach them to fight, arm them, and turn them loose. Revenge is a dish that is best served cold. Tally-ban and the other MF dickless wonders over there won’t know what hit them. And cut off diplomatic relations with the Saudis until they also get a fucking clue.
There. I’m better now.
SayItWithWookies: It depends on the Interstate. If you’re on I-95 north of the Occoquan heading toward DC at about 7:30 am, you could text. In fact, you could do your taxes.
SayItWithWookies: I cried big eagle tears reading your impassioned plea for nation-building in A-stan.
Hope you didn’t die in a car crash!
Yo Jim Newell your Condi Roundup is great and all and Imma let you finish but Princess Sparkle Pony had the best roundups of all time.
afghanistan’s not vietnam, but i’m reminded of a story from michael herr’s dispatches:
“patrol went up a mountain. one man came back. he died before he could tell us what happened.”
now, let’s adjust it for the changing circumstances:
“empire invaded afghanistan. it wasted its fortune in iraq and real estate speculation. it died before it could figure out what happened.”
we’ve crossed our bridge too far, people. we’re not getting out of this mess with the shine on our boots. hell, we’ll be lucky to get out of it with our boots.
slappypaddy: Wait, put it in words we can understand.
We jumped the shark.
And with David Brooks’ “CLAP HARDER AND WE WIN AFGHANISTAN WITH FLAWLESS VICTORY” article today (appearing as news came out as five US soldiers without a defined mission were cut down by assault weapon fire in Zabul province), I think the lines are drawn.
Three-quarters of a trillion dollars per year in defense, spying, and diplomacy spending and this is what we get? A complete shit investment?
And what’s up with that picture?
When I was a kid, I had a piano teacher who had that same expression when our Doberman stuck his nose up her dress.
Gumboz1953: And cut off diplomatic relations with the Saudis until they also get a fucking clue.
Well put.
Gumboz1953: SayItWithWookies: How’s this. It’s pretty obvious we can’t take over and run the whole country by ourselves, but we can take and hold Kabul+ airport, and a 30 km or so radius around it, especially if we withdraw all of our trips to inside that line. Then (since we control the airport) we start flying in construction crews. Build a couple of really big hospitals -with state-of-the-art prosthetic and burn units, the largest school for women, K-Post Graduate, anywhere in the world, a few housing developments, a stadium or two, and a couple of nice hotels. Build them high, so you can have lots of snipers in high windows. (am I sounding too much like Neilist?) Invite everybody in, unarmed.
Then you legalize opium so that Kabul becomes the Amsterdam of Central Asia, minus the hookers, not trying to offend Arab sensibilities too much, and you establish a roaring trade with all of the opium growers, but control of that area is a different matter.
In fact, you deal with the rest of the country by partitioning it into smaller, easier to manage, units, such as the Uzbek section, the Iranian section, the Pakistani section. Uighurstan.
Then we’re done. If violence erupts, we say sorry, and just continue to hold Kabul.
zhubajie: lets invade texas instead.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ahoge
’nuff said.
zhubajie: Zhub: No offense, but telling me about Fraser - whether the Flashman series or anything else he wrote (The Steel Bonnets, Quartered Safe Out Here, etc.) — is like trying to teach me how to be obnoxious. I’m already an expert, as per my comments re Fraser on Amazon.com.
Speaking of which: If you are a Fraser fan, and have not yet read Quartered Safe Out Here — you are REALLY missing something.
Non-obnoxiously (for once) yours,
Neilist.
gurukalehuru: ” Build them high, so you can have lots of snipers in high windows. (am I sounding too much like Neilist?)”
Neilist would never recommend using small arms for the sort of job that should be done with artillery or air strikes. You know the old saying, “A pistol or rifle is what you use to fight your way back to the jeep with the radio to call in teh Alpha strike you should have used to level the village in the first place.”
Speaking of which, how — pray tell — do you plain to keep your “30 mile” Green Zone supplied with all the materials you are going to need to build your Afghan Wal Mart? (Do you know what a MANPADS is, or understand the topography of Kabul?)
And where would the Taliban get all these SAMs and guns you ask? Why, from the same places they get them right now: The Paks/ISI, the Saudis, and Iran.
Jesus H. Christ in Khe San: Don’t you people read ANY history?
All that said, I agree that Afghanistan is not Vietnam. The former is covered with sand.
Neilist: You’re an idiot.
I’m more interested in Princess Sparkle Pony than Condi, per se, any day.
Isn’t Candy Rice the name of a stripper at Camelot?
More complete quotes from Gwynne Dyer:
”In anti-colonial guerrilla wars, the locals always win. The Dutch learned that lesson in Indonesia, the French in Vietnam and Algeria, the British in Kenya and Cyprus, and the Portuguese in Angola and Mozambique.
”The United States went through the same learning process in Vietnam, and the Russians in Afghanistan… The fighting may go on for years (and) the better equipped foreigners will win almost all the battles…but there is an endless supply of locals…the guerrillas are never going to quit and go home because they already are home. And it makes no difference how noble the foreigners think their motives are; only the opinion of the locals count.”
Dr. Spaceman: Fine, fine. We have your ticket waiting, and a job in Wookies’ Wal Mart Green Zone.
You can be “First Minister In Charge Of Counting Incoming Mortar Rounds.”
It’s a growth position.
What? What’s that I hear in the distance? Are the Taliban crying . . .
WOLVERINES!!!!!!!!
gurukalehuru: We already tried building a country within a country there.
Neilist: Hey, I’m not into the Green Zone nonsense. But most Afghans want reform, and don’t want the Taliban or al-Qaida running their country. If Pakistan’s cooperating with anti-Taliban efforts instead of helping the Taliban out, then we actually have a fighting chance to get rid of them. If that’s not the case, then we’ll never eradicate them — but we should at least try.
Dr. Spaceman: C’mon, Neilist is always an idiot. That’s why we love him.