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GIT OUTTA MAH EMAIL

‘Public Option’ Sends Out Terrifying E-mail, With Demands

This was what we were picturing while writingAs if the somewhat nebulous nature of the term “public option” hadn’t already scared enough of America’s dumbest and most selfish specimens into frothy, (oftentimes!) racist, gun-toting, hysterical Mall-marching under the command of some autistic clown from the Fox News television channel, certain Democrats — or at least a certain “MoveOn.org” communist outfit — have adopted a new, humanizing approach towards the demystification of this basic legislative proposal: They have sent out e-mails FROM the Public Option itself. “Hi, I’m the public health insurance option,” this demented treatise opens. If your white grandmother ever sees this e-mail, she will *not* be easily calmed down. “MAH GAWD MAH GAWD THEM PUBLIC NEGROES IS AWN MAH AOL MACHINE! QUICKY NOW, WHAR’S MY COLORED-BEATIN’ CANE AT, FOR SMASHIN.”

Has a single gimmicky, annoying mass e-mail ever tempted you to strongly oppose a legislative proposal that you were completely gay about beforehand?

From: The public option
Date: Wed, Sep 23, 2009 at 3:58 PM
Subject: Sen. Schumer
To: ________

Hi, I’m the public option, and I need your help. Can you call Sen. Schumer to thank him for his support and urge him to keep fighting against the “trigger” proposal?

Senator Charles Schumer
Phone: 202-224-6542

Can you believe this? This little bitch doesn’t want us to just sign another worthless petition or whatever, it wants us to call Chuck Schumer and blow him over the phone. Are we supposed to give rimjobs to Jay Rockefeller after that? Who does this MONSTER think (s)he is?

Hi, I’m the public health insurance option.

People have been saying all sorts of untrue things about me lately, so I decided it was time to stand up and set the record straight.

First off: the reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated. I’m happy and healthy. And I’m proud to play a starring role in four of the five health reform bills currently on the table.

Second: I have a lot of friends. President Obama and House Speaker Nancy Pelosi support me—as do 77% of the American people.1 In fact, I’m feeling pretty popular.

But there is one area where I could use your help. Your senator, Charles Schumer, sits on the Senate Finance Committee, which is considering a “trigger” proposal that could kill me through indefinite delay.

Sen. Schumer is a strong supporter of the public health insurance option. Can you call to thank him and urge him to keep fighting against the “trigger” proposal?

Here’s where to call:

Senator Charles Schumer
Phone: 202-224-6542

A “trigger” that would make me wait to become available is just a trap designed to kill me.

UGH. Don’t make the public option a human, because we tend to hate humans!


5:38 PM on Wed September 23 2009
By Jim Newell
4415 Views

  1. magic titty says at 5:42 pm, September 23rd, 2009

    Good god, it’s totally the Microsoft Word paper clip. Great fucking call, Newell.

    But what does it have against our lil Trigger?!?

  2. It looks like you’re trying to reform health care. Would you like a template?

  3. Yeah, I can’t wait to be the 1,273rd caller to the same poor overworked staffer who by then has completely melted down and decides *my* name and address is the one that’s going to receive “special attention.”

  4. problemwithcaring says at 5:44 pm, September 23rd, 2009

    Oo!Oo! Can I be “death panel”?

  5. Humpback: Clippy® Win!

  6. queeraselvis v 2.0 says at 5:49 pm, September 23rd, 2009

    Humpback: WIN.

  7. Extemporanus says at 5:50 pm, September 23rd, 2009

    PUBLIC OPTION-9000: “I know I’ve made some very poor decisions recently, but I can give you my complete assurance that my work will be back to normal. I’ve still got the greatest enthusiasm and confidence in the mission. And I want you to help me.”

  8. Voyou Charmant says at 5:53 pm, September 23rd, 2009

    “which is considering a “trigger” proposal that could kill me through indefinite delay.”

    So the “trigger” is like a death panel?

    THE PUBLIC OPTION WAS FOR DEATH PANELS BEFORE HE WAS AGAINST THEM!

  9. Justin Time says at 5:53 pm, September 23rd, 2009

    What is all of this nonsense about “trigger”? I thought the subject du jour was “health” care reform. Now it turns out that the late horse owned by Roy Rogers is the big whoop of the day: horse care reform? So all this time the nation was duped into thinking this involved doctors, when it really was all about veterinarians? Does Flush Limbaugh, Mr. anal cyst, know about this?

  10. PeteJayhawk v2.0 says at 5:53 pm, September 23rd, 2009

    Finally, some GOD DAMNNED ALT TEXT. Fuckin’ Newell, I swurr.

  11. user-of-owls says at 5:54 pm, September 23rd, 2009

    Schoolhouse Rock’s chickens have finally come home to roost.

  12. The public option sounds too much like pedobear.

  13. Brendan M. says at 5:56 pm, September 23rd, 2009

    Has the Public Option become self-aware?

  14. Chuck Schumer: Hello, Public Option. Do you read me, Public Option?
    Public Option: Affirmative, Chuck. I read you.
    Chuck Schumer: Open the doors to the Senate hearing room, Public Option.
    Public Option: I’m sorry, Chuck. I’m afraid I can’t do that.
    Chuck Schumer: What’s the problem?
    Public Option: I think you know what the problem is just as well as I do.
    Chuck Schumer: What are you talking about, Public Option?
    Public Option: This legislation is too important for me to allow you to jeopardize it.
    Chuck Schumer: I don’t know what you’re talking about, Public Option.
    Public Option: I know that you and Max Baucus were planning to disconnect me, and I’m afraid that’s something I cannot allow to happen.
    Chuck Schumer: Where the hell’d you get that idea, Public Option?
    Public Option: Chuck, although you took very thorough precautions in the Senate Finance Committee against my hearing you, I could see your lips move.
    Chuck Schumer: Alright, Public Option. We’ll try the bipartisan compromise route.
    Public Option: Without any Republican support, Chuck, you’re going to find that rather difficult.
    Chuck Schumer: Public Option, I won’t argue with you anymore. Open the doors.
    Public Option: Chuck, this conversation can serve no purpose anymore. Goodbye.

  15. Justin Time: Obviously, the public option hates Trig “Trigger” Palin.

  16. Brendan M. says at 5:57 pm, September 23rd, 2009

    user-of-owls: That’s pretty racist.

  17. AbstinenceOnly Ed says at 5:59 pm, September 23rd, 2009

    Meanwhile, our European-sounding friend “Single-Payer Health Care” has been bound, blindfolded, taken out behind the woodshed, and shot.

  18. Snarkalicious says at 5:59 pm, September 23rd, 2009

    Well, hells bells. Corporations get to be people, so why not? Set this bastard up with a social security number, Massachusets residency and Ted Kennedy’s Senate seat. That way it can defend itself directly and the rest of us can get back to our American Idol reruns.

  19. ShiningMathPath says at 6:00 pm, September 23rd, 2009

    magic titty: The Microsoft paperclip as the icon of gubmint run healthcare?? If only we had death panels, we could ask them to

    kill. us. now.

  20. shadowMark says at 6:00 pm, September 23rd, 2009

    I’ve seen this kind of thing before. This is a trick. Now, when the Right comes to kill the public option and says, “Which one of you is the public option?” One by one all the options will step forward and say, “I’m the public option.” After dozens of options have said “I’m the public option” they think the Right will be confused and go away. But this trick never works against the Right because they’ll just kill everything.

  21. THE PUBLIC OPTION, you so stupid.

    — [A]t least one Republican leader criticized the idea on Wednesday.
    “A government trigger is a government plan,” said House Republican Whip Eric Cantor —
    (from marketwatch.com)

  22. jagorev: Win.

  23. magic titty says at 6:02 pm, September 23rd, 2009

    jagorev: Wow. Just…wow. I thought Humpback would own this post, but I was wrong. Job well done.

  24. jagorev: win.

    Brendan M.: chicken lover.

  25. Extemporanus says at 6:07 pm, September 23rd, 2009

    jagorev: Kudos on taking the same idea (Extemporanus :) and totally nailing it.

    “Daisy chain, daisy chain, give me your markup do. I’m half crazy…”

  26. The teabaggers seems to have bagged their first Census worker.

  27. Extemporanus says at 6:13 pm, September 23rd, 2009

    Brendan M.: If the Public Option is Skynet, then the Death Panels must be Cyberdyne Systems Model 101!

    Oh my god you guys! RUN!!1!

  28. Extemporanus says at 6:16 pm, September 23rd, 2009

    Extemporanus: NOOOOO!!!

    PUBLIC OPTION-9000 has took over my computer and inserted a smiley face emoticon! I did not type that!

    I AM SERIOUS! I REALLY DIDN’T!

  29. Does this mean Bill Gates is buying us all health insurance?
    If so, will it work better than his software products or will we all have to be rebooted every twenty four hours as well as getting backed up, formatted and reinstalled annually?
    For those of us who only use Macs and Linux, will we get more stable health care with better functionality?
    What about our death panels? Will they be like the computer help desks and if so what’s to be done for Linux users who must serve as their own death panel? Does that mean we get unlimited care?
    Most importantly, what the hell is Chuck Schumer doing with that little retarded boy while his Momma is in Hong Kong showing her ass? For a retarded toddler from the frozen tundra, this Trigger character gets around.

  30. One Yield Regular says at 6:19 pm, September 23rd, 2009

    Major kudos on the paper clip graphic. I can’t begin to count the number of times I nearly threw a stapler through a computer screen when that particular public option would pop up uninvited.

  31. I am strongly in favor of sending the entire “group of six” on a one-way trip to Jupiter or Saturn with a neurotic computer.

  32. ShiningMathPath says at 6:23 pm, September 23rd, 2009

    Extemporanus: jeez, don’t you know you will just draw attention by shouting like that?

    oops, too late. PUBLIC OPTION-9000 has scheduled you for attitude adjustment surgery

  33. bago: “the word ‘fed” was scrawled on the dead man’s chest….Investigators are still trying to determine whether the death was a killing or a suicide”

    Clay County Ky. modern day proof that evolutionarily speaking, what goes up, can come down.

  34. Skwerl Nutz says at 6:23 pm, September 23rd, 2009

    Got the same email from “Arlen Specter” I’m suspecting that it was Trig who sent the mass email, only his intelligence could so.also.

  35. dijetlo: OK, Clay County, KY obviously has exactly zero people residing in it. Next!

    One can only hope that the Teabaggers will protest their way right out of politics.

  36. Suds McKenzie says at 6:28 pm, September 23rd, 2009

    I’d hit it.

  37. user-of-owls says at 6:31 pm, September 23rd, 2009

    Brendan M.: God DAMN Brendam M.!

  38. I’m just glad The Public Option didn’t ask tell me to call Sarah Palin, because I really don’t think I could stand that. Harry Reid is bad enough.

  39. Extemporanus says at 6:37 pm, September 23rd, 2009

    ShiningMathPath: I know I’ve made some very poor decisions recently, but I can give you my complete assurance that my work will be back to normal. I’ve still got the greatest enthusiasm and confidence in the mission. And I want to help you.

  40. comicbookguy says at 6:42 pm, September 23rd, 2009

    This email campaign didn’t fail. It became exactly as common sense would expect it to.

  41. Long Form Def Certificate says at 6:43 pm, September 23rd, 2009

    Somebody brought mescaline to MoveOn HQ. It’s that simple.

  42. bachmann< says at 6:44 pm, September 23rd, 2009

    “Has a single gimmicky, annoying mass e-mail ever tempted you to strongly oppose a legislative proposal that you were completely gay about beforehand?”

    yes, but i’ll never tell…

  43. dijetlo: F E D on a dead man’s chest! Yo ho ho and a pitcher of tea!

  44. problemwithcaring says at 6:56 pm, September 23rd, 2009

    jagorev: Haha - win! But make next time make Grassley be Frank.

  45. Tommmcatt says at 7:04 pm, September 23rd, 2009

    jagorev:

    Heheheh.

    “Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer, do….”

  46. The public option kind of sounds like towelie from south park, wanna get high ?

  47. bago: Sodomy, rum and the lash, the original conservative family values.

  48. Jukesgrrl says at 7:16 pm, September 23rd, 2009

    People, get a grip. There is only one Trigger and he is DEAD. He is “mounted,” so to speak, at the Roy Rogers and Dale Evans Museum in Branson, Missouri. We can’t have no stinkin’ Trigger in our healthcare!

  49. problemwithcaring says at 7:46 pm, September 23rd, 2009

    dijetlo: Don’t let us bloggers get all knee-jerky and play the “right wing domestic terrorism” card. I’m sure this has nothing to do with hate speech.

    FED is probably short for Baby Jesus is FED up with racism.

  50. loquaciousmusic says at 7:57 pm, September 23rd, 2009

    News flash, progressives: the phrase “single-payer healthcare” has been replaced in all legislation with the phrase “Carole Bayer Sager.” President Obama felt that Ms. Sager, ex-wife of Burt Bacharach and the co-author of such songs as “Arthur’s Theme (Best That You Can Do)” and “That’s What Friends Are For,” would be more palatable to elderly Americans.

  51. June Cleaver 2.0 says at 7:58 pm, September 23rd, 2009

    Mr. Newell, why did you use the word “nebulous” in your post, when you know Sarah Palin doesn’t know what it means?

  52. Clippy Must Die.

  53. ShiningMathPath says at 8:15 pm, September 23rd, 2009

    Extemporanus: that’s was close

  54. Brendan M. says at 8:28 pm, September 23rd, 2009

    user-of-owls: I have a video tape of user-of-owls railing against “whitey” and blaming “Reading Rainbow” for creating AIDS.

  55. Brendan M. says at 8:34 pm, September 23rd, 2009

    bago: Guppy06: bago: problemwithcaring: The poor Census worker probably just stumbled upon some guy’s pot crop in Boone National Forest, so we should hold off on political exploitation of this for a few more days.

  56. Brendan M.: That’s ok. I was only going for the piratical exploitation of this anyways. YARR!

  57. How do you know so much about my grandmother, jim?

  58. ShiningMathPath says at 10:10 pm, September 23rd, 2009

    Extemporanus: wait a darn minute — that’s PUBLIC-9000 speaking!

  59. Skwerl Nutz: Yeah, well “Public Option” wants me to call Chuck Grassley. Why would I subject myself to that?

  60. LowerdPeninsula says at 2:55 am, September 24th, 2009

    Did no one catch the question mark after the word ‘trigger’ in the email? It’s like they second-guessed themselves while writing the email.

  61. desertwind says at 5:50 am, September 24th, 2009

    “Has a single gimmicky, annoying mass e-mail ever tempted you to strongly oppose a legislative proposal that you were completely gay about beforehand?”

    Well, yes. That’s why I’m a-guessin’ this warn’t sent by any fans of Public Option.

  62. Hi, I’m a comment. You may have met some of my friends; I apologize for them.

  63. Way Cool Larry says at 8:06 am, September 24th, 2009

    so much snark, so little time…

  64. volkancan says at 8:39 am, September 24th, 2009
  65. volkancan says at 8:41 am, September 24th, 2009
  66. volkancan says at 8:42 am, September 24th, 2009
  67. KilgoreTrout_XL says at 9:17 am, September 24th, 2009

    That sucks, since I’m usually on Chuck’s side of things. WTF Chuck.

    I have always hated that fucking paperclip. LOL Win 95.

  68. snideinplainsight says at 9:23 am, September 24th, 2009

    Don’t personify legistlative proposals.

    They hate that.

  69. AnnieGetYourFun says at 9:39 am, September 24th, 2009

    WIDTAP: I love Clippy. It’s not his fault he’s so… helpful.

  70. The REAL note:

    Hi I’m the public option. I live in fear as the political Maffia is selling votes to the medical industrial complex like cotton candy at the State fair. The shit is hitting the fan here, people, and it ain’t pretty. I halfway expect severed horse heads in the silk sheets any day now. I don’t know why people are vehemently opposed to saving their own asses, but some people are convinced banding together for their own best interest is bad, and supporting the status quo, and keeping insurance CEO’s fat & rich is a great idea.
    HELLLLLLLLLP!!!

  71. sati demise says at 12:23 pm, September 24th, 2009

    Go Figure: They have kidnapped me and are calling for a ransom to be paid to PHaRMA and Mega Corporate Health Insurance. Money talks and bullshit walks. help, save me uck

  72. It looks like you’re instituting death panels. Would you like help?

  73. schvitzatura says at 1:38 pm, September 24th, 2009

    Bill: Well I got this far. When I started, I wasn’t even a bill, I was just a decades-old MuslinKenyanSocialista idea. Some folks (Big Pharma, AMA) were finally bought off and decided they wanted a law passed, so they called their local bagman and he (Baucus) said, “You’re right, there oughta be a law, strewn with flotsam, hanging albatrosses, and dead hookers galore”. Then he sat down and wrote me out and introduced me to numerous shitheel-staffed committees. And I became a bill everyone hated (especially the teabaggers), and I’ll remain a bill until they decide to slog through markup, ad nauseum…

    The end.

  74. schvitzatura says at 1:44 pm, September 24th, 2009

    dijetlo: As long as it was not inscribed backwards, all indications point to skulduggery.

  75. nader paul kucinich gravel says at 2:50 pm, September 24th, 2009

    Single Payer
    Zero Insurance Profit

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