Wonkette
Oh, how we are looking forward to the midterm elections! They’re the most fun: dozens of close races where we couldn’t care less about who wins, each defined by some hilarious racist remark or decades-old hotel affair or nutty family member. OR — as is the case in this rare 2009 election, for New Jersey governor — weight. “Political experts” monitoring the race between Jon Corzine and Republican Chris Christie have been wondering for a while now whether Christie’s campaign will sink under his massive massive super-fat insanely obese body. The Fats have rarely done well in elections — it’s true! — at least in the modern era, when male fatness stopped being a symbol of wealth and power and Land. So, is Corzine playing the “fat card” against his fat opponent, in his new ad?
No! Stop being so nitpicky about common metaphors, you bloggers!
But then again! It is kind of peculiar that we don’t see an image of fat Chris Christie until the very moment when the ad accuses him of “throwing his weight around.” It is only then that we see his fat, fat head, which dovetails most professionally into footage of the fat Chris Christie looking funny as he steps out of a car. Fat people always look funny when they step out of cars. Especially in slow-motion!
On another note, isn’t this a potential VULNERABILITY for Corzine, to release a full attack on an opponent for not taking the proper vehicular safety measures? Granted, there are degrees of everything… but…
Chris Christie is FAT. HE EATS SANDWICHES MADE OF SMALL CHILDREN. CHRIS CHRISTIE DOES THIS.
Corzine accuses Christie of ‘throwing weight around’ [Ben Smith]
Wait. Didn’t Corzine kill all those people on the Garden State Parkway this summer, driving drunk, the wrong way? No? O.K.
‘Chris’ means ‘Sirhan’ in Arabic, just saying.
Fat fuck Christie. He eats box after box after box of dicks, is his problem.
At least I didn’t see his cooch when he got out of the car.
I was hoping for fatter. Like Mike Huckabee fat.
The funny thing is that both sides are slinging mud at each other’s driving records - and little else. Corzine of course was in an accident (with a trooper driving), speeding at 90 MPH without a seatbelt on.
Both of them are basically assholes, but just remember this - if either of them offer you a ride - don’t take it!
Stay classy, Jersey!!
Mr. Fatty McFattyingtons, I presume!
Double Name, Triple Chin - vote Christie!
What we need is a montage sequence in which Mike Huckabee shows up and puts Chris Christie through a brief but intense weight-losing regimen involving exercise occurring at various New Jersey landmarks.
The fats are now in the majority.
bitchincamaro: No he wasn’t drunk, wasn’t driving and wasn’t wearing his seatbelt. But you didn’t get the point of the ad. “Chris Christie is a fat fuck waste of space” is the take-away message here. Reckless driving is merely incidental.
As a Pleasently-Plump American, I am simply offended by the insinuation I can get away with not getting a ticket because of my sexy figure…also.
Christ Christy?
He should lose cuz his name is too Jeebusy. Sounds like Santa Claus.
Ah, my old home state never fails to amuse.
Christie, Christie, Christie, can’t you see?
Somtimes your folds just hypnotize me.
And I just love your fleshy ways,
Guess that’s why you broke that cyclist’s leg [Uh!]
Call me, Big GOPpa! I wanna have your baby, bay-bee!
Fat, but not fat enough to have his own gravitational pull.
I thought Peter Griffin lived in Rhode Island?
The best elections are when the incumbent is such a thoroughly hated scuzzball that his only chance to win is to spend millions tearing down the other guy.
The funnest elections, anyway.
Well, if Christie wins he’ll already have a float for the victory parade.
He looks like the bastard bother of that other fat bastard, Bill Bennett.
Chris Christie - so big they had to name him twice.
shellbomber: Or at least Denny Hastert fat. He’s only Mitch McConnell/Newt fat.
“But then again! It is kind of peculiar that we don’t see an image of fat Chris Christie until the very moment when the ad accuses him of ‘throwing his weight around.’”
Even more damning is that we don’t see an image of his premature O-face until just before the ad says he “got off easy”.
mcc: There’s already a reality TV show starring Mike Huckabee.
It’s called The Biggest Loser, and is centered around his upcoming presidential “run”.
Johnny Zhivago: Nothing left to go on besides driving records. Any other candidates that were even dirtier than these two were swept up in the FBI sting two months ago.
Heck, are there any eligible voters left in Joyzy that aren’t in a federal pen?
Johnny Zhivago: Both of them are basically assholes
Well, duh. It was established right out of the gate that they’re both from New Jersey.
Extemporanus: …Is this a joke? I sort of don’t have television so I honestly can’t tell
How many weeks left in this campaign? Enough for us to get to “my dick’s bigger than yours” stage, or only enough to make it to “my dad could beat up your dad”?
Pass the Billy Beer, Wonkette gonna have some fun!
Tundra Grifter: YES! “Chris Christie” is the new “Yo momma”.
Chris Christie so fat, when he hauls ass from the scene of an accident, he has to make two trips!
Fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck. If my memory serves, Corzine ain’t no l’il Baryshnikov either. Or maybe the beard just makes him seem more massive. Either way, who the fuck doesn’t wear a seatbelt? That’s just fuckin’ dumb.
His parents should be sued for lack of imagination or lazy naming or whatev’s.
RoscoePColtraine: M.A.F.McF.: Mother Against Fatty McFucks!
What? I just watched that ad (sadly) and if they were going to make fun of him for being fat, they could do a lot better. Shots of Christie eating, breathing heavy, doing anything physical…sweat stains are good, too. Seriously, guys, if you’re gonna make fun of someone for being fat, don’t be a pussy about it.
But seriously, what a weak campaign spot. If I were Corzine, every commercial I made would include pictures of Christie making out with Karl Rove. Because if there’s one thing Americans dislike more than fatties, it’s turdblossoms. Gay turdblossoms.
He has enough surface space to be his own country, so yeah, he should have his own set of rules.
Christ on a Chris Christie Extra-Crispy Crutch!
Is Ken secretly working for Corzine’s ad team?
Huh? Thorazine? Why is a prescription drug running for public office?
Oh, it’s New Jersey.
I hate it when someone plays the fat card. So greasy.
Seriously, the slo-mo shot at the end, with Christie levering his brobdingnagian girth out of the suddenly-small-seeming Suburban, is epic. Reminds me of the fat-jiggle shot from the Simpsons, when Homer gets shot in the gut by a cannon. It is too bad they could not find any shots of Christie engaged in calisthenics. Actually, that’s not too bad. Nor is it particularly surprising.
assistant/atlas: Gay turdblossoms.
If there were any way that Corzine could connect the dots between Christie and McGreevy (who apparently New Jersey still regards as lower than snail shit), it would be game over.
When Christie starts blowing his “I prosecuted terrorists successfully” horn, sit down and listen to this long, sad, and funny tale.
http://www.thisamericanlife.org/Radio_Episode.aspx?episode=387
Problem is, compared to the average American he’s skinny.
William Howard Taft
This is really crappy timing; I’ve used up all my good fat-jokes on the Teabaggers.
BobTheBuilder: Well, maybe not the average American. Now the average Teabagger… that I would totally believe.
Can a man who never met a Twinkie he didn’t like be governor of New Jersey. Probably, considering who else has had the job.
GOLDMAN-SACHS WILL FOLLOW YOU EVERYWHERE, CORZINE. DOOM TO YOU. DOOOOOOOM.
Chris Christie is a fat piece of shit, but it’s the ‘piece of shit’ part that is worrying the voters.
Well, if we really wanted representative government, Christie would be the winner.
Suds McKenzie: I doubt that he’s ever seen his cooch, either.
vitira: Golan Cipel is not a twinkie!
Is this commercial offering me the chance to get away with reckless driving if I vote for Christie? Sign me up!
They would never run this ad in Ohio. The Taft machine still pulls a lot of weight up there, if ya know whatimean.
A small Chris Christie snuck off to the city
strung out on lasers and slash-back blazers
and ate all your razors while pulling the waiters
talking bout Monroe and walking on snow white
New York’s a go-go and anything tastes nice
poor little Christie
All I can hear in my head is Majorie Dawes, the Fat Fighters lady from Little Britain USA.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nN2B3Tg0dNM
mcc: While Eye of the Tiger plays on the soundtrack.
Chris Christie: “Cut spending, but not FAT”
He is the epitome of Tony Soprano, the fat fuck.
Formerly Preferred: Hey, they could have spliced in slo-mo footage of elephants and rhinos defecating or pigs eating at a feedlot after Christie pops out of the SUV. They went as classy as they could…
How many New Jersey voters say, “Ew, fattie, no!” compared to the number of New Jersey voters who say, “Fat? He looks just like me.”
The point being America, fat. Is.
Capitol Hillbilly: Not really, no. Former Gov. Taft makes Corzine seem as popular as Oprah + Sliced Bread x 1 million and, as the future generation of Taft is more interested in pot than carrying on the political dynasty, I wouldn’t worry about that family making a comeback.
One set of baby back ribs for himself, another for everyone else.
I’m voting for the independent, Chris Daggett. He’s socially liberal, and his ad is awesome:
Hey! A steady diet of the finest gourmet hot dogs and cheese fries from the WindMill will do that to ya. Eight locations … coming soon to Hoboken.
Chris Christie: If you can’t trust him with your fries, how can you trust him with your government?
Christie has definitely locked in the all-important New Brunswick chubby chaser vote.
Ha ha ha ha, he’s so fat. I kinda liked the slo-mo shot of him getting out of the car. Hey, at least he wasn’t driving, right?
Yeahbut…. If they’re in too good a shape, they’ve probably done gay porn.
I’m just saying…..
Hey, at least he wasn’t driving, right?
I thought he was wearing it.
Joshua Norton: “Does this Chevy Blazer make me look fat?”
mcc: Is this a joke?
Just barely…
heh heh. I was on the short list to be his official photographer but didn’t get the job. Next thing I know, he’s in the hospital. Poetic justice? YOU decide.
No really my thought was, thank god I wasn’t on assignment and having to choose, do I recklessly hurtle through space at speeds defying safety without a seatbelt? Or do I put on my seatbelt at any speed and implicitly criticize my all-powerful employer? One, I would have been seriously injured, two, I would have been fired.
oh, well.
Next ad:
“Chris Christie is so fat that when he backs up there should be a beeping noise.
But there isn’t.
Chris Christie: unsafe at any speed.”
Is Penn, Schoen & Berland running Corzine’s campaign?
Corzine! get in mah belly!
This could backfire easily, given the morbid girth of the average and the median voter.
Guys in gingerbread houses shouldn’t throw scones, Corzine.
And, what I mean about that is that Chris looks more like New Jersey than John, so John better be careful about playing so gratuitously the “lard-card”, if you will.
“lard-card”– that’s classic!
jagra
sex shop
Christie should make an ad of himself running and trying to jump in the back of a truck, a la Rerun. I really want to see him in rainbow suspenders and beret with jiggling man-boobs.
Witsendnj:
YOU decide
But who reports?
Way Cool Larry: I try. I wanted to just say ‘fat card’, but it doesn’t quite roll off the tongue like lard-card.
BTW, someone should dub Kelis’s “Milkshake” over that video. That’d be so hot.