cute boys!

Hey Massachusetts: Was Original Ted Kennedy Ever A Cosmo Centerfold?

Um… Cosmopolitan has WON whatever time of day allotted for sex! Let’s also throw in 1982, Cosmopolitan has also WON 1982, for this was the year when Scott Brown, the Republican running around in bad faith pretending he has a chance at winning Ted Kennedy’s Senate seat, was awarded the magazine’s prestigious “America’s Sexiest Man” centerfold, which is like the “Ted Kennedy seat” of gay pornography. Ahh, he is naked, so so naked!

Your Wonkette Morning Editor has been trying to zoom in and study this important historical document from 1982 A.D., but the glyphs from this time period are almost prohibitively small. Here’s what we are pretty sure is happening:

The 22-year old Brown is 6’2″ and is nicknamed “Mr. Muscles.” Went to Boston College, adorably sexy, likes tall girls with beautiful legs and also hair. [OMG I have hair!!!—Ed.] Also this special lady shouldn’t always wear jeans, because seriously, jeans? What is this, 1982?

[Cosmo via Ben Smith]

About the author

Juli Weiner was Wonkette's beloved intern and books columnist and then morning editor until she was hired away by Vanity Fair in 2010.

View all articles by Juli Weiner

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  • chascates

    Meghan McCain is probably already in pursuit. And possibly Lindsey Graham as well.

    Juli, you are carrying the load today!

  • 4tehlulz

    Obviously, the only way to prove were not gay is to vote against Scott Brown, gay pornographer.

  • magic titty

    To be fair, those Gloria Vanderbilt jeans from 1982 were very unbecoming.

    Anyway, would like the fold-out portion of this photo, plz.

  • queeraselvis v 2.0

    Dammit, Scott! Move your damn arm!

    /Larry Craig

  • 4tehlulz

    [re=417170]magic titty[/re]: You can see at Gawker, if you can bear it.

  • hobospacejunkie

    Did Scott watch too much pornography as a 10-year-old, at that crucial point in a boy’s life when he really really dislikes homosexuals, because he doesn’t want to fall into homosexuality? I’m not saying he did. Then again, he hasn’t denied it, either.

  • grendel

    Just remember… all porn is gay porn… but especially this. This is especially gay. He’s got his Republican bona fides in order.

  • freakishlystrong

    likes tall girls with beautiful legs and also hair YOU LIE!!11

  • loquaciousmusic

    My blood runs cold!
    My memory has just been sold!
    Na na na na na na
    Douchebag is a centerfold!

  • magic titty

    [re=417172]4tehlulz[/re]: But that means I’d have to visit Gawker, which, well, no.

  • Doglessliberal

    “was awarded the magazine’s prestigious “America’s Sexist Man” centerfold”

    No doubt a typo, but probably bears some truth, too.

  • Buzz Feedback

    He’s a Toilet Goblin.

  • One Yield Regular

    I’m pretty sure “and also hair” is fetish code.

  • the problem child

    [re=417188]magic titty[/re]: You can just visit Cosmo, linked above. Be warned, it’s furry.

  • Monsieur Grumpe

    Juli,
    If you shave your head and send him the hair I’m sure you’ll get his attention, also maybe a restraining order.

  • TheJerkStoreCalled

    Oh God, I’m just remembering that his daughter was on American Idol. The attention-whoring appears to be genetic.

  • ManchuCandidate

    He’s got the GOP Log Cabin vote.

  • JMP

    [re=417171]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: The fact that he’s able to cover everything with just his wrist seems fairly impressive; or rather, indicative that he is, well, rather unimpressive.

  • DemmeFatale

    Meh.

  • Crank Tango

    So he loved women with big bushes who got out of their Jordaches from time to time. Blow, also.

  • SayItWithWookies

    I guess it’s only appropriate that his constituents see him the way most of the Republican caucus will. Although for the real Republican experience they should turn out the lights and get drunk, then call their wives and say they’ll be home late.

  • queeraselvis v 2.0

    [re=417220]JMP[/re]: HA. That’s an old modeling trick. Turn the thermostat down to -15 and presto, changeo: rock hard nips, nonexistent goodies. Tingly goosebumps, also.

  • JMP

    [re=417234]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: As a Republican politician, though, it’s probably safe to assume that he’s just naturally tiny; and overcompensating.

  • Texan Bulldoggette

    Okay, I’m going to be totally superficial & shallow & say, he’s hawt & I’d have done him…in 1982.

  • thefrontpage

    Yech. Gross, all around. Run more pictures of Mackenzie Phillips, Chyna Phillips, Ann Coulter and Michelle Malkin.

  • Extemporanus

    Speaking of Cosmo centerfolds, check out bear-assed “Mr. Wasilla 2009″!

  • house of the blue lights

    Remember when we wouldn’t let girls be Miss America because they posed for nekkid pittures when they were 22? I think this is clear evidence that the world has changed for the better.

  • house of the blue lights

    [re=417436]Extemporanus[/re]: Is it just me, or is Levi’s head photoshopped onto that body?

  • torera

    That was 27 years ago? He’s aged well. Still got great posture and a distinguished-man haircut too. Would even give Ensign a run for the prettiest-senator title.

  • octupletsmom

    Better him than Schilling.

  • American Spectator

    Well if it isn’t my old friend Mike Honcho!

  • blackdontcrack

    oh my god i lost my virginity to that cosmo centerfold when i was like 9

  • blackdontcrack

    he is also the reason i went to university in boston. sadly i did not find him. but i found others like him! oh snap!

  • 102415

    The tea baggers will just eat this up. Haha no I’m not sorry.