DAILY BRIEFING  8:31 am September 23, 2009

Vague Maybe-Terrorism Is Headed Toward, Or Possibly Away, From You RIGHT NOW

by Juli Weiner

  • The FBI is doing that thing again where it suggests that everyone to get the seriously get the fuck away from any hotels or stadiums, while at the same time claiming that there have been no “specific” threats against specific places like “stadiums” and “hotels.” [CNN]
  • South Korea has finally OK’ed the sale of the iPhone, the North Korea of Apple products. [Wall Street Journal]
  • Obama has impressed his new U.N. friends by doing the mature thing and admitting that maybe, yes, fine, the U.S. isn’t completely uninvolved in polluting the Earth. And yeah, we’re all super committed to not doing this anymore, mmhmm. [Los Angeles Times]
  • Obama’s deal with The Pharmaceuticals—in which America would save like $80 billion on drugs in the next decade—is hated by every single person ever, plus Chuck Grassley, on principle. [New York Times]
  • The “Tom DeLay episode” of Dancing With the Stars was the show’s least popular season-opener ever, except for its first season, back when no one even knew what it was and Tom DeLay was still a common street thug yet to be touched by the redemptive power of dance. [Washington Post]
 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 48 comments }

chascates September 23, 2009 at 8:42 am

Tom DeLay is even more frightening as a dancer than a politician. It’s as if a whirling dervish mated with a 1950s milk man and DeLay was the result.

finallyhappy September 23, 2009 at 8:55 am

So I’m safe at Motel 6 and Red roof inns?

Monsieur Grumpe September 23, 2009 at 8:57 am

What happened to the color coded terror alert system? I seem to recall that Charlie Crist’s tan color was best means of determining the current alert level.

4tehlulz September 23, 2009 at 8:59 am

[re=417093]finallyhappy[/re]: YOU FOOL! That’s what the terrorists want you to think, and just when you equate the sounds of a married-but-not-to-each-other couple fucking in the next room with safety, BOOM! U R DED

ManchuCandidate September 23, 2009 at 9:01 am

If Delay kills Dancing With the Stars then it will be the only good thing for US America that he’s ever done.

ChernobylSoup v2 September 23, 2009 at 9:01 am

You’d think that with the way our weak in the knees imposter president has gone all over the place apologizing and capitulating to terrist that they’d cut us a little slack. Ungrateful ragheads we’re dealing with, I say.

TheGryphon September 23, 2009 at 9:02 am

only islamo-fascist socialist nazis stay at the RED roof, you traitor!!!11!!!1!!one!!

the problem child September 23, 2009 at 9:06 am

[re=417096]ManchuCandidate[/re]: Or, perhaps Dancing With the Stars will kill Delay, again, the only good thing for US America that it has ever done.

ifthethunderdontgetya" September 23, 2009 at 9:09 am
jasper f. krone September 23, 2009 at 9:18 am

Hey! Our Daily Briefing makes no mention of the leaked Palin-in-China-speech-video! Details, pls.

the problem child September 23, 2009 at 9:18 am

Wow, Obama’s tie is totally distracting in that UN speech. Looks like it’s been pre-blingee’d.

Cicada September 23, 2009 at 9:20 am

This means Delay is going to have to buy Tucker Carlson a tranny hooker at the next values voters conference.

shadowMark September 23, 2009 at 9:26 am

Yeah, this will be Chinese terrorists getting back at us for sending Sarah to Hong Kong.

On the plus side after they blow up our asses they’ll do a beautiful watercolor of the devastation.

And of course “chicken.”

Tundra Grifter September 23, 2009 at 9:27 am

Juli wrote: “….back when no one even knew what it was and Tom DeLay was still a common street thug yet to be touched by the redemptive power of dance.”

Now I know I’m in love…

ifthethunderdontgetya" September 23, 2009 at 9:28 am

[re=417102]jasper f. krone[/re]: You LIE!

Errrr…

“She’s definitely a serious future presidential candidate, and I understand why she plays so well in middle America,” said Mr. Coulter, a Canadian.
~

slappypaddy September 23, 2009 at 9:30 am

the fbi has got it all wrong. they’re not supposed to issue terror alerts unless there’s an election campaign underway.

TGY September 23, 2009 at 9:30 am

[re=417093]finallyhappy[/re]: Since they are basically run by Al Qaeda operatives, yes.

[re=417107]Tundra Grifter[/re]: You, too, eh?

Dammit, Juli, quit breaking our hearts, willya?

Naked Bunny with a Whip September 23, 2009 at 9:30 am

I was surprised to hear the show partnered Tom DeLay with Steve Wozniak.

jodyleek September 23, 2009 at 9:31 am

[re=417093]finallyhappy[/re]: Well, yes, except for the bedbugs and cum on the TV remote. And, the pig AIDS. Yes, completely safe.

Terry September 23, 2009 at 9:31 am

Really, why would the bad guys think that a sports stadium is a prime target that would cause deep psychological damage to Americans? There are many more places with lots of people in them that would be more upsetting.

Terry September 23, 2009 at 9:34 am

[re=417102]jasper f. krone[/re]:

Oh, Miz Sarah said that the financial crisis was due to too much government interference.

TGY September 23, 2009 at 9:40 am

What’s next for dance darling, Cheryl Burke? Partnering with Stephen Hawking?

4tehlulz September 23, 2009 at 9:41 am

““And there was nothing derogatory in it, no sleight of hand, and believe me, I was listening for that,” he said, adding that Mrs. Palin referred to Mr. Obama as “our president,” with the emphasis on “our.””

ZOMG TEH OBAMAFASCISTS HAVE GOTTEN TO SARAH

jasper f. krone September 23, 2009 at 9:42 am

[re=417115]Terry[/re]:Yeah, I know. But Ratigan had actual cell-phone video. That voice, which I had not heard in many months, jarred me out of my morning reverie. Oh, and I dropped the hot iron on my foot.

TGY September 23, 2009 at 9:45 am

[re=417113]jodyleek[/re]: These are minor dangers compared to having a 747 crashed into one’s jacuzzi or caviar hors d’oeuvres ruined by room-service.

queeraselvis v 2.0 September 23, 2009 at 9:50 am

[re=417105]Cicada[/re]: This means Delay is going to have to dress Tucker Carlson up like a tranny hooker at the next values voters conference.

fixed.

V572625694 September 23, 2009 at 9:52 am

[re=417093]finallyhappy[/re], [re=417095]4tehlulz[/re]: You’re never safe in those kind of flops. And don’t touch the bedspreads without latex gloves. The hotel staff calls them “fuckblankets,” in honor of those happy couples that can’t wait to turn down the blanket.

[re=417107]Tundra Grifter[/re]: Me too. Not missing Mama K Smith nearly as much ha ha.

magic titty September 23, 2009 at 9:52 am

[re=417115]Terry[/re]: Who translated it from Snowbilly to English to Mandarin?

Oh, Jules…there’s one too many ‘its’ in your last briefing…

PsycGirl September 23, 2009 at 9:53 am

[re=417094]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: No, that would be orange.
Seriously, I watched DWTS last night for the first time at my mom’s insistence. I’m pretty sure it signals the approach of the Apocalypse.

groove September 23, 2009 at 9:54 am

This is a job for Jack Ryan.

Naked Bunny with a Whip September 23, 2009 at 9:55 am

@jasper f. krone: Not to speak ill of your masturbation habits, but ouch!

hobospacejunkie September 23, 2009 at 9:55 am

[re=417111]TGY[/re]: The redemptive power of dance, sure. But the real reason to love Juli this morning is her inspired use of the word fuck in her very first sentence. I’m swooning.

PsycGirl September 23, 2009 at 9:57 am

ifthethunderdontgetya: (reply link didn’t work) OMG Ann Coulter is Canadian!!!

chascates September 23, 2009 at 10:01 am

[re=417130]hobospacejunkie[/re]: Now that Ken is doing the hobo trek we may see all manner of hooliganism.

jasper f. krone September 23, 2009 at 10:08 am

[re=417129]Naked Bunny with a Whip[/re]: It’s a hazard of middle-age. Simple acts begin to lose their magic. But nothing is less erotic that the sound of “main st, dontcha know?”

widget09 September 23, 2009 at 10:22 am

Just when I had lost all hope, I see that Tom Delay does indeed have a gay side, not that there would be any takers, well, maybe Ted Haggert.

ProfessorJukes September 23, 2009 at 10:36 am

I’m probably late on this, but does anyone else find it ironic that The Hammer made his dancing debut in a ”brown shirt”. Any one? No?

[re=417161]widget09[/re]: Meth goggles.

onceler September 23, 2009 at 11:03 am

I think people hate the pharma deal not because it “saves 87 billion dollars” but because it prevents us, the drug customers, from saving, collectively, 87 billion dollars by allowing bargaining on drug prices. people wanted lower drug prices, and now they won’t get them. which is bad.

Monsieur Grumpe September 23, 2009 at 11:03 am
Jim89048 September 23, 2009 at 11:16 am

Why no briefing about that once-famous minx McKenzie Phillips?

DustBowlBlues September 23, 2009 at 11:42 am

Live blog experience of decade missed: Khadafy at the UN. Either he’s high, his translator is drunk, or the UN has found a speaker who makes Bible Spice sound lucid. Also.

PsycGirl September 23, 2009 at 12:02 pm

[re=417211]Monsieur Grumpe[/re]: According to that link, her speech lasted 75 minutes. That’s legalized torture, IMHO. PsycGirl’s rule of speechifying is: Never talk more than 45 minutes. The brain turns off after that, unless you’re talking about sex and I’m sure she was not. And 75 minutes of THAT VOICE…I feel faint.

DustBowlBlues September 23, 2009 at 12:37 pm

[re=417272]DustBowlBlues[/re]: GDamm! The sumbitch just quit–two hours worth of rambling shit. They even had to go to another translator. Guess he just beat the first one’s tongue to a pulp and they had to bring in a spare. Crazy fucker. Iran’s Ahmajadhardname’s speeches sound like Thomas Jefferson penned them by comparison to that weird fucker.

If only they’d planted Joe Wilson in the audience. Could have been HIlarious!

DustBowlBlues September 23, 2009 at 12:43 pm

Dr. Nancy (who supports the public option and has replaced my crush on Dr. Gupta with a girl crush on her) asked some reporter why we should care about this crazy fucker, Khadafy. He answered her, and I yelled, “You lie!” at the screen.

We’d parachute the entire contents of Bagram prison into Libya if tent man would give Exxon/Mobil an exclusive deal on all that Libyan oil. Americans have the morality of crackheads when it comes to getting cheap gasoline.

Tundra Grifter September 23, 2009 at 1:31 pm

[re=417130]hobospacejunkie[/re]: There’s nothing like a woman who knows how to talk dirty. And when to do it…

RobPetrified September 23, 2009 at 2:22 pm

I suppose the world will be a better place now that “The Hammer” has finally “come out.”
Will Steve Doocy be next?

Tundra Grifter September 23, 2009 at 5:14 pm

[re=417558]RobPetrified[/re]: When you’re The Hammer, eveything looks like it’s worth nailing.

LowerdPeninsula September 23, 2009 at 11:39 pm

[re=417390]DustBowlBlues[/re]: “the morality of crackheads”

Hot damn, I’m going to have to start using that phrase. It sounds like an excellent, snarky book title.

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