About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

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  1. Mahousu

    It’s missing some superfluous quotation marks, e.g.:

    On the “Record”
    w/Greta “Van” Susteren

    We “Report.” You “Decide.”

  2. Joshua Norton

    One more eye lift and she’ll qualify for a job in the chorus of a bus-and-truck road show of Flower Drum Song.

  3. Fred Wertham Jr.

    They just didn’t want to get a bunch of emails from Fox viewers telling them that they left out an apostrophe.

  4. Doris Ziffel

    And damn, who the hell at Fox decided she looked attractive in that picture? She’s got the runaway bride crazy eyes.

  5. steve

    It’s not her fault, her back’s turned. Until I read “bold, powerful, persistent” I thought they were adverstising a traffic barricade since that’ll pretty much stop anything from getting by.

  6. leftcoaster

    Horrible masking job around her head, too. Someone must have been very pressed for time. Or it was done purposefully to achieve that amateur, MySpace look.

  7. guerilla-nation

    nothing kills a boner like bad grammar and a picture of a right wing she-woman. at least it wasn’t ann coulter take’s on socialism …

  8. northernbassist

    [re=415932]guerilla-nation[/re]: Viagra is changing their advertising slogan to “Bold, Powerful, Persistent” for just that reason.

  9. MBritt

    Greta is starting to look like that plastic surgery cat-woman. Soon her cheekbones are going to be in the way of her eyeballs.

  10. Darkness

    “Van” should not be capitalized either, it means “of” or “from”.

    Silly English-speaking kinigits.

  11. Rotundo

    [re=415890]widget09[/re]: It could also describe an aftershave or mens cologne, see “Anchorman” for additional descriptive scent terms.

  12. Fighting Bill

    If you ex’perience an erection that’s bold, powerful & persistent and lasts longer than Greta s’how, call your doct’or.

  13. yargisbargis

    It’s a mistake right? So let’s correct it for Fox viewers;

    “Nuthin’ gits by Greta, cuz she’s bold, powerful, persestant.

    We Report. Y’all decide.”

  14. CapnFatback

    [re=415902]The Station Manager[/re]: This is correct. “Nothing Get” is the name of her new ethereal spoken word album. It is a collection of “found text,” that is, text found dribbling out of Steve Doocy’s mouth and flopping at his feet like goldfish cruelly tossed from their bowl. A sample:

    Nothing get
    Taxing our
    America we knew
    :) :( #;-9
    That’s outrageous!
    I’m Steve Doocy.

  15. Tundra Grifter

    With Caribou Barbie limiting her international media exposure to those hard-hitting Facebook interviews, what is GVS up to these days? If she and her husband can’t promote the SnowBillies (read the article about Levi Johnston and the Palins in Vanity Fair – some pretty funny stuff there!)what are they doing with their time and infinite resources?

  16. Tundra Grifter

    Now we know the new job held by that Faux Noise “associate producer” who got into trouble whipping up the DC crowd for Griff “Birth Control Glasses” Jenkins – copywriter!

  17. Country Club Jihadi

    [re=415888]Suds McKenzie[/re]: and toenail fungus.

    Love the placement of Greta next to the Jane Velez ad. Did David Paterson do the haircuts and the plastic surgery on these “ladies”?

  18. Way Cool Larry

    I think Greta’s trying to outdo MJ’s record for most number of plastic surgeries– and the most grotesque outcome

  19. AbstinenceOnly Ed

    From her Wiki-Wakka entry:

    “Gretel von Sudafed has the enviable task of holding Belle O’Rally’s falafel whilst he bends over to retrieve the loofah he dropped in the shower. I spot a liver spot where liver spots should not be spot! All Praise to Xenu, Jesus, Muhammad Ali et al.”

  20. JoeMac

    Must of been a slow day for the Fox News Chyron guy so they let him do some advertising copy. You know it is a tough day writing D on the line where they should put R for the latest republican sex scandal.

  21. Mad Brahms

    Except the time she was bilked out of thousands of dollars in a financial scam run by a scientology minister. Oops!

  22. Pithaughn

    Oh oh oh, I know, instead of FOX NEWS, it should read “FOX LIE’S”.
    Please send my gold star overnight.

  23. lawrenceofthedesert

    When will Greta finally admit that she is the only child of Leni Reifenstahl? (And if nothing gets by her, why isn’t she a goalie?)

  24. Paco

    They’re just trying to speak the language of their developmentally-challenged followers. It’s like ebonics for pasty fat people.

  25. glamourdammerung

    [re=415900]Doris Ziffel[/re]: I thought crazy eyes were highly valued traits for the wingnut set.

  26. assistant/atlas

    Hey, we should all be saluting Fox for having the courage to put a transsexual on the air in front of such a conservative audience….

  27. rachelv

    If this country, could put a “tax”, on all the “unnecessary” and misplaced punctuation marks used by Fox news viewers on the many comment pages they visit, we as a people, could “raise” enough money to pay for all the “death” panels, you could ever hope for.

  28. BeWoot

    I’m pretty sure that’s Elizabeth Dole in drag. But if that is Greta van, I definitely remember the interview when Sarah Palin got by her when Greta was flaring her nostrils in heat and tried to pin Moose Mama against the refrigerator in her very own kitchen. That was sooo weird … but Sarah got by Greta. Just.

  29. hobospacejunkie

    Wonkett keeps me infromed about The Muslin Moran’s activities in the ghertto. I could not get’s by without it.

  30. S.Luggo

    Bold. Powerful. Persistent. Dentatious.
    Same woodchuck prima fascie, even after gnawing on the raw potato of a thousand e-meters.

    Nothing gets by the Greta except her Scientology … and logic.

    Our old Greta Van.

  31. GreenHalo

    Oh look, a typo. I hate to piss on the campfire, but Fox has entire legions of anchor-twinkies, and the left has, what, Rachel Maddow? Kiran Chetry vs Rachel Maddow is like Godzilla vs Bambi. Your co-workers know it, your neighbors know it, DOGS know it, the only ones who don’t know it are you lot. How many elections have been tipped by English majors?

    I’m not cheering for the Idiocracy, okay, but what exactly is the swoon factor for Rahm the Space Knight or George Snuffapopodopolus? Or that guy who used to be a sportscaster, and then he announced that Dubya was a war criminal, and now his life revolves around the fact that his moms is dead and you can fuck right off? Marketing sucks, but it does appear to work.

  32. President Beeblebrox

    Fuck, this has been a great day, with Orly claiming that a letter from her client to the judge was forged, itself concerning a lawsuit in which a forged birf surtifikat was filed… and now this. Nothing get’s by teh kraziee’s.

    [re=416093]GreenHalo[/re]: Did you forget to take your Seconal this morning?

  33. Suds McKenzie

    [re=416093]GreenHalo[/re]: “I’m not cheering for the Idiocracy” But you are obviously trying to speak for them. You cant fool us with your lower case babble.

  34. S.Luggo

    In lingua franca of FoxNews, “get’s by” means “enjoys The New Masculinity with”.
    No argument from moi.

    Value Voters Summit
    THE NEW MASCULINITY – Dr. Pat Fagan, Senior Fellow and Director, Center for Family and Religion, FRC
    Feminism has wreaked havoc on marriage, women, children and men. It is time to redress the disorder it has wrought and that must start with getting the principles and ideals for a new “masculinism” right. Such a “masculinism” will have its dovetailing counterpart in a new “feminism” for they mutually define each other and, in nature, are meant to be complementary.

  35. Click

    [re=416101]S.Luggo[/re]: Dr.Pat Fagan, former employee of the Heritage Foundation, where “In 2001, his work earned him Heritage’s prestigious Drs. W. Glenn and Rita Ricardo Campbell Award. It is given to the employee who delivers “an outstanding contribution to the analysis and promotion of the Free Society.”

    Oh really?

  36. S.Luggo

    Well, shuckins. We so sorry that we take glee because Cretaceous-Conservative, gadzillionaire Rupert Murdock screwed up his agitprop for his house Scientologist nutcake.
    Lesson learned. Next time, we hold our tongues out of respect. Hahahahaha … cough.

  37. Long Form Def Certificate

    The Pride of Appleton.

    But until she calls out Glenn Beck as a stooge of the Maoists — are there still Maoists, like, for real? — she will not dislodge Robert Welch, Sr., from pride of place in my “favourite Wisconsin conservatards”.

    Plus: Bob, Sr., — & his namesake — attended my alma mater. Before my time, of course.

    Sing out, Ripon College!

  38. Mad Brahms

    [re=416113]Long Form Def Certificate[/re]: She’s from Appleton, too? Ooh!

    I once stayed in a hotel in Appleton that had somehow lost its chain affiliation when their pool burned down (!), and had simply covered their sign with a semi-translucent tarp through which the dim letters of the old “Days Inn” still shone through at night. This is pretty much all anyone ever needs to know about Appleton, Wisconsin.

  39. Darkness

    [re=416000]iburl[/re]: But . . . God is already dead.

    Otherwise He would have been doing some mighty fine smiting these past few decades.

  40. McDuff

    So, during this time of budget cuts, Fox elected to get rid of the copy editors before the janitors? On behalf of copy editors everywhere, I say, Where is the justice, where is the justice?!

  41. jasper f. krone

    Here’s what I think they were getting at. The Dine’ language uses apostrophes as we use the letter “e”. This simple example speaks volumes.

    To be drunk
    Navajo phrase (1): bi naak’ai’

    This phrase can either mean to be “drunk” or “hung-over. It literally means “his (or her) legs are spread apart.” Most people say bi honeezdoh for being drunk.


    Éí adáádáá’ bi naak’ai’go bi nániikai.
    Yesterday, he came back with us all drunk.

  42. RoscoePColtraine

    [re=416093]GreenHalo[/re]: Marketing sucks, but it does appear to work.

    That’s very insightful. Throw marketing right in with huffing paint, vodka enemas and autoerotic asphyxiation as things which suck but appear to work.

  43. gradgrind

    [re=416093]GreenHalo[/re]: Hey, English majors MADE O’bama. I should know. And because we (as a mighty fighting force for subject-verb agreement) are never in it for teh munnies, no matter what “it” is, you know he won fair and square . . . by 9.5 million votes, a margin that will not be breached by pissant meanie screed merchants at any volume.

    And Rachel? She. Totally. Kicks. Ass.

    Call your mom and ask her if she remembers where you left your point, because I’m betting you had one when you started out.

  44. El Pinche

    [re=416093]GreenHalo[/re]: Your comment is over-produced, over-budget, and not funny. You’re like the Ishtar of Wonkette.

  45. Hunger Tallest Palin

    [re=416101]S.Luggo[/re]: You’ll no doubt be shocked to know this bed-sheet sniffing dildo smuggling hypocrite was a Deputy Assistant Secretary at HHS during the reign of Bush the Elder.

  46. Suds McKenzie

    [re=416113]Long Form Def Certificate[/re]: Her Father was a Raging Drunk Judge who “forgot” to pay his taxes for 10 years because he “was too busy”, … for 10 years. their family was a joke in Appleton. which is umm.., saying something.

  47. jasper f. krone

    [re=416101]S.Luggo[/re]: ZOMG! Stephen Baldwin was doing a book signing! And I missed it!

    1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7. Oswald was a fag.

  48. slowuncle

    [re=416093]GreenHalo[/re]:You barge in with your huffy buzzkill body language and piss all over the campfire in order to announce:

    “Marketing works” ?

    What a dork

  49. gurukalehuru

    [re=416020]JoeMac[/re]: Must HAVE, for fuck’s sake. If we’re going to mock the illiterate morans, we must remain a notch or two above the illiterate morans, i.e. no misspelling nothing or using bad grammar unless it’s clearly deliberate, as in “The morans get all they’re infromation from Fock’s Nudes.”
    The terms “must of” and “could of” do not actually exist in the English language. Learn this, JoeMac, and you will become a better person, like magic.

  50. LoweredPeninsula

    Why didn’t I know she was a Scientologist? How is she on Fox? Isn’t being a non-Christian female on Fox basically being equivalent to an old-timey, Salem witch? I bet you her office is somewhere way out away from the rest of her colleagues in the building.

  51. PsycGirl

    [re=416131]jimmyQ[/re]: It’s either the random apostrophe generator prized by wingnuts and students everywhere, or there is a grammar rule unknown to most of us: If you have to ask if an apostrophe might work there, it does.

  52. as.the.world.burns

    [re=416113]long form def certificate[/re]: i think i speak for all of Wisconsin when i say we fully reject this creepy bitch. Outagamie county (of which Appleton is the county seat) went blue for Obama, 55%-43%.

    [re=416265]LoweredPeninsula[/re]: check wikipedia for a long list of noted scientologists. you’ll be surprised….

    [re=416119]Mad Brahms[/re]: don’t let one bad hotel experience keep you away. Sconnie is real nice this time of year.

    – as.the.world.burns, resident cheesehead

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