YUMMY!  1:35 pm September 21, 2009

Coburn Chief Of Staff: All Porno Is Gay Porno

by Jim Newell

Here is Sen. Tom Coburn’s chief of staff, Michael Schwartz, at this weekend’s Values Voters Summit, talking about pornography. He has a number of interesting thoughts on the subject. Did you know that all porno is GAY porno? It is, seriously.

The audio is quiet and not really worth listening to, so just read:

“Pornography is a blight,” Schwartz told an audience in a crowded room of the Omni Shoreham hotel. “It is a disaster. It is one of those silent diseases in our society that we haven’t been able to overcome very well. Now, I may be getting politically incorrect here. And it’s been a few years, but not that many, since I was closely associated with pre-adolescent boys, boys around 10 years of age…”

GO ON?

“But it is my observation that boys of that age have less tolerance for homosexuality than just about any other class of people. They speak badly about homosexuality. And that’s because they don’t want to be that way. They don’t want to fall into it.”

Schwartz told the crowd about Jim Johnson, a friend of his who turned an old hotel into a hospice for gay men dying of AIDS. “One of the things he said to me,” said Schwartz, “that I think is an astonishingly insightful remark… he said ‘All pornography is homosexual pornography, because all pornography turns your sexual drive inwards.”

There were murmurs and gasps from the crowd. “Now, think about that,” said Schwartz. “And if you tell an 11-year-old boy about that, do you think he’s going to want to get a copy of Playboy? I’m pretty sure he’ll lose interest. That’s the last thing he wants! You know, that’s a good comment, it’s a good point, and it’s a good thing to teach young people.”

This: “And if you tell an 11-year-old boy about that, do you think he’s going to want to get a copy of Playboy? I’m pretty sure he’ll lose interest. That’s the last thing he wants!”

HAHAHAHAHAHAH.

“Hey, Junior, if you read that Playboy, then you’re a FAG.”

“Is it so wrong to see some tits, Dad?”

“Shutup and leave the house, fag.”

Sen. Tom Coburn’s (R-Okla.) Chief of Staff: ‘All Pornography Is Homosexual Pornography’ [Washington Independent]

 
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{ 108 comments }

the problem child September 21, 2009 at 1:38 pm

By ten they are already reading Playgirl. His information is sadly outdated.

randomsausage September 21, 2009 at 1:38 pm

I’m pretty sure sticking your man-meat into a porn starlet is not gay

Joshua Norton September 21, 2009 at 1:38 pm

Did you know that all porno is GAY porno?

Well, all HIS porno is, anyway.

ManchuCandidate September 21, 2009 at 1:39 pm

Mikey’s still feeling pretty bad about spanking it to a Tiger Beat Magazine at the age of 45.

norbizness September 21, 2009 at 1:39 pm

Oklahoma: Where men are men and the barnyard animals are nervous.

Way Cool Larry September 21, 2009 at 1:40 pm

Wow, after all those years I must be totally GAY by now. I had no idea. Can’t wait to tell my wife!

Mull_Man September 21, 2009 at 1:42 pm

So porn must lead to fondness for musicals and Judy Garland. This explains a great deal – thanks republican thought leader!

Way Cool Larry September 21, 2009 at 1:42 pm

Just wondering… does not being able to control one’s sexual desires automatically make one become a conservative? I think that might explain a lot, especially about their obsession with controlling sex.

Joshua Norton September 21, 2009 at 1:43 pm

Repubelicker “Family Values” Freaks have a bigger stash of gay porn than all the gay guys in the USA combined.

Grab your dick and double click for porn, porn, porn.
– Avenue Q

Buzz Feedback September 21, 2009 at 1:44 pm

Spoken like someone who has been hit in the chin with more balls than Pete Rose.

V572625694 September 21, 2009 at 1:44 pm

How about squish porn, that the NYT was gracious enough to introduce to me Saturday? Does it turn your sex drive “inwards”?

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/09/19/us/19scotus.html?_r=1&scp=2&sq=dog%20fighting&st=cse

Thanks NYT! And also for telling me dog fighting is legal in Japan! I feel better about Hiroshima and Nagasaki now!

jaba the slut September 21, 2009 at 1:44 pm

So…….then what does the gay porn make you turn into?
It is so difficult to figure this voo-doo shit out.

yargisbargis September 21, 2009 at 1:44 pm

My son is turning 11 soon, so thanks Mr. Schwartz, I’ll be sure to tell him not to turn his sexual drive inward but spread that sperm around!

TGY September 21, 2009 at 1:45 pm

He’s right, you know. Put down that goddamned Playboy mag and go buy a hooker, for the love of Plastic Jesus.

Also, “They don’t want to fall into it.”? So homosexuality is some kind of puddle?

norbizness September 21, 2009 at 1:45 pm

At least the “well, at least Coburn might have smart people working for him” theory has been blown out of the water. P.S. Blown Out of the Water is a great gay porn re-imagining of the movie Splash.

smitallica September 21, 2009 at 1:45 pm

I’m a bit confused. So watching Tory Lane suck off a black guy whose dick is as long as my car is actually directed at me? So that means I’m the one packing a car-length black schlong? Ok, I need to diagram this…

mephistopheles jefferson September 21, 2009 at 1:45 pm

I turned my sexual drive inwards just before breakfast.

Scott-san September 21, 2009 at 1:45 pm

“I’m sorry, Scarlett. The senator says I like the boys now.”

Uncle Sam September 21, 2009 at 1:46 pm

“And it’s been a few years, but not that many, since I was closely associated with pre-adolescent boys, boys around 10 years of age…”

Ahem…

hiphophitler September 21, 2009 at 1:46 pm

Y-y-you mean all those bottom-people in the doggystyle movies I thought were women were actually men? Yuck!

Hed007 September 21, 2009 at 1:46 pm

Well, I do have a “man’s hand” touching me when I see the porno. Maybe he has a point.

Going blind too.

drpangloss September 21, 2009 at 1:47 pm

Wait so wanking is homosexuality too? Guess I’m gayer than Liberachi. This guy is a Singularity of Stupid so dense no rational thought can escape.

JMP September 21, 2009 at 1:48 pm

Of course an 11-year-old isn’t going to want a copy of Playboy; they all have access to the internet nowdays and know how to get to the actual, hardcore porn instead. That’s why the porn mags are dying just like the newspapers.

OReillysVibrator September 21, 2009 at 1:48 pm

“See, I realized that sexually-appealing images would turn my sexual drive inwards. The way to avoid this is to surround yourself with things you find sexually repellent. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I was caught with all that male pornography on my computer.”

Manos: Hands of Fate September 21, 2009 at 1:48 pm

Why do we just expand this reasoning to every other kind of negative human behavior.

Dad: “Son, have you studied for your test yet?”

Son: “No”

Dad: “stupid fag”

Dave J. September 21, 2009 at 1:48 pm

Counterpoint: Alexis Texas.

That is all.

shortsshortsshorts September 21, 2009 at 1:48 pm

This means that almost every single person who uses a computer is gay. Holy hell. WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THIS COUNTRY?

Extemporanus September 21, 2009 at 1:48 pm

“And it’s been a few years, but not that many, since I was closely associated with pre-adolescent boys, boys around 10 years of age…”

Never underestimate the power of the Schwartz!

4tehlulz September 21, 2009 at 1:48 pm

>“Hey, Junior, if you read that Playboy, then you’re a FAG.”
>“Is it so wrong to see some tits, Dad?”
>“Shutup and leave the house, fag.”

This is now my “facts of life” speech to my kid.

Way Cool Larry September 21, 2009 at 1:49 pm

So how many questions Tom Coburn and Michael Schwartz would get right on the US citizenship test?

Holy Cow!! September 21, 2009 at 1:49 pm

I bet he’s some experience with 10 year boys. What an idiot.

mdotsota September 21, 2009 at 1:50 pm

So the Values Voters have the maturity of 10 year old boys? No wonder so many of them are secret pedo bears.

rmontcal September 21, 2009 at 1:50 pm

Packed house for that pornography lecture…

“packed”…

Egregious September 21, 2009 at 1:51 pm

Michael Schwartz went on to explain that his views reflect his own experience. “In college, I happened to walk in on my roomates watching ‘The Girls of Mount Holio’ featuring a Mr. Rod Hardstone. After no more than five minutes seeing Mr. Hardstone in action, I found myself having very, VERY, icky thoughts about Roddy…I mean Mr. Hardstone.”

Way Cool Larry September 21, 2009 at 1:52 pm

[re=415474]OReillysVibrator[/re]: Win!

4tehlulz September 21, 2009 at 1:52 pm

[re=415471]drpangloss[/re]: Masturbation is bestiality, tribidism is engineering, and 69 is math class.

tsunami September 21, 2009 at 1:52 pm

soooo….after watching a video…
does being a guy and only having sex with women make me a lesbian?

i guess i am gay.
thanks for the increased self awareness, schwartzie.

RoscoePColtraine September 21, 2009 at 1:53 pm

Can we ratchet up the masturbation-guilt, while we’re at it? We’ve been looking for a way to stop boys from doing that. Homosexual / Autosexual…young’uns won’t know there’s a difference. Too bad it’ll only be the churchy kids developing angst and deep psychosis. The heathens will figure, “this means I’m gay? So be it.”

Manos: Hands of Fate September 21, 2009 at 1:53 pm

It should be noted that Schwartz was speaking on a panel titled “THE NEW MASCULINITY” which sounds like the gayest workshop ever.

AnnieGetYourFun September 21, 2009 at 1:54 pm

I’m going to go out on a limb and say that a 10 year-old boy will speak negatively about heterosexuality, too. In fact, if I recall my male classmates at that age, the only thing that interested them was poop.

Not that anything has likely changed in the 22+ years since then.

Extemporanus September 21, 2009 at 1:54 pm

[re=415460]TGY[/re]: So homosexuality is some kind of puddle?

If you consider Godzilla bukkake gay, then yes, it most definitely is.

queeraselvis v 2.0 September 21, 2009 at 1:55 pm

This will not end well.

TheTownCrotch September 21, 2009 at 1:55 pm

Do you have any idea how gay I would be if watching porn made you, in fact, gay?

The answer is: I would be Perez Hilton.

Count Spatula September 21, 2009 at 1:55 pm

Hey Michael Schwartz…. wanna see my inward-facing sexual drive?

Jim Demintia September 21, 2009 at 1:57 pm

Yeah, just like when 200 years of telling boys it will make you go blind, insane, and grow hair on your palms really put a stop to masturbation.

slowuncle September 21, 2009 at 1:57 pm

[re=415467]Uncle Sam[/re]: the “…since I was associated with pre-adolescent boys…” line is the corker: That one is definitely your money shot; Cut & print!—–this one’s a wrap…

mardam422 September 21, 2009 at 1:58 pm

How is this guy not the leading Republican candidate for President?? I mean, imagine what he could do by applying this sort of right thinking to wars tax cuts and stuff.

TGY September 21, 2009 at 1:58 pm

[re=415450]Mull_Man[/re]: All roads lead to Ed Wood.

Rascalcat September 21, 2009 at 1:58 pm

Let’s see now, I just saw a study that says the red states lead the nation in porn consumption, not to mention teen pregnancies and STD’s, so if all porn is gay and the red states lead the nation in porn consumption, doesn’t that make them all gay?

Not that there is anything wrong with that. :-)

oldguy September 21, 2009 at 2:00 pm

Give the guy some slack; he’s been trying to have conversations about the gayness with 10-year-old boys he’s been associated with for years and they speak badly about it. They react with intolerance. This is a very sad story.

Airborne Toxic Event September 21, 2009 at 2:00 pm

They hate porn because they’re communists.

RoscoePColtraine September 21, 2009 at 2:01 pm

They say the mind is the most powerful sex organ. Today, we are all homosexual.

AbstinenceOnly Ed September 21, 2009 at 2:01 pm

[re=415460]TGY[/re]: Yes, a puddle of Santorum

Homosexuality is not something you “fall into” unless you are /drumLOL/ GAY. I grew up in San Francisco, drove past the “Polk Gulch Saloon” every morning and live near the Castro. I have yet to “fall” into a puddle of cock. You don’t “fall” into it unless you want to, unless it’s who you are, deep down, but are just to repressed to admit it, Mr. Schwartz.

Anonymous Office Zombie September 21, 2009 at 2:01 pm

Behold, the blind leading the blind – and all fall into the pit of stupidity.

Dave J. September 21, 2009 at 2:02 pm

Last night I watched some girl on girl action, and today I woke up sounding like Paul Lynde! This can’t be a coincidence.

the problem child September 21, 2009 at 2:03 pm

Here is the special movement founded to forward Mikey’s goals: http://www.sexisforfags.com/

Harvey Birdman September 21, 2009 at 2:04 pm

I enjoy hearing radical feminist critiques from the NEW MASCULINITY.

prizepig September 21, 2009 at 2:04 pm

What happens if a husband and wife watch porn together while having normal heterosexual sex? Just cold doin’it all monogamous and procreative style.

That’d be pretty fucked up, right?

Also, the cat might be watching from down the hall.

S.Luggo September 21, 2009 at 2:07 pm

It gets better:

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 19
GLOBAL WARMING HYSTERIA: THE NEW FACE OF THE “PRO-DEATH” AGENDA –
Dr. Calvin Beisner, National Spokesman, Cornwall Alliance for the Stewardship of Creation

THE NEW MASCULINITY – Dr. Pat Fagan, Senior Fellow and Director, Center for Family and Religion, FRC
Feminism has wreaked havoc on marriage, women, children and men. It is time to redress the disorder it has wrought and that must start with getting the principles and ideals for a new “masculinism” right. Such a “masculinism” will have its dovetailing counterpart in a new “feminism” for they mutually define each other and, in nature, are meant to be complementary.

http://www.valuesvotersummit.org/schedule

KilgoreTrout_XL September 21, 2009 at 2:08 pm

I guess Rick Santorum now has a politically-viable scapegoat for his repressed homosexuality.

Neoyorquino September 21, 2009 at 2:09 pm

“All pornography is homosexual pornography, because all pornography turns your sexual drive inwards.” I guess my inwards-focused sex drive from years of porn is behind my urge to tell Michael Schwartz to “fuck himself.”

Tundra Grifter September 21, 2009 at 2:09 pm

Was that conference held on a lifeboat? The way the video kept pitching back and forth, I was about to hurl out my office window. Only – I don’t have an office window. Or an office…

PsycGirl September 21, 2009 at 2:10 pm

If I found a grown man telling my (non-existent) 11-year-old son about homosexuality and pornography, I would try to have him arrested.[re=415494]

AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: In fact, if I recall my male classmates at that age, the only thing that interested them was poop.
Word.

ChernobylSoup v2 September 21, 2009 at 2:10 pm

Cool. One more way to justify porn to my wife. “Honey, I swear it’ll make me more interested in redecorating the house.”

Prommie September 21, 2009 at 2:11 pm

I’m releived that this is finally being put out there. Come on, this guy is right, he is just speaking the truth. The logic is simply irrefutable. If you like to play with cock, your gay. It doesn’t matter whether its your own cock, or someone else’s cock, if you play with cock, you are gay. Yup, the hard truth is that your own dick is a gateway cock to other cocks.

swayzeland September 21, 2009 at 2:11 pm

[re=415494]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: 10 year old boys: Republican think tank par excellence. They like making bomb noises. They like playing with toy guns. They think ketchup is a vegetable. They can’t respond to an argument with anything smart, so they just yell out.

What’s weird is that I don’t think they like going to church.

lumpenprole September 21, 2009 at 2:11 pm

A lot of 11 year old boys are going to die laughing.

JSDC007 September 21, 2009 at 2:15 pm

All porn is gay porn if you’re a family values Republican.

In fact, all toilet paper is also gay porn. Just ask Larry Craig.

ph7 September 21, 2009 at 2:25 pm

Michael Schwartz is chief of staff for a fundamentalist Senator? Looks likes he’s gone “all in” in his self-denial.

sezme September 21, 2009 at 2:26 pm

“But it is my observation that boys of that age have less tolerance for homosexuality than just about any other class of people.”

I imagine he’s speaking from personal experience of his close associations with young boys, and the fact that they definitely did not want to suck his cock. But what a brilliant idea! Tell them they’ll become gay if they look at pornography, come back in a year, tell them that they are now gay (because really what non-Amish boy hasn’t looked at pornography by age 12) and therefore, get busy with the sucking.

PrairiePossum September 21, 2009 at 2:27 pm

‘All pornography is homosexual pornography, because all pornography turns your sexual drive inwards.”

Yeah boys, Schwartz doesn’t want you to turn your sexuality inward. Instead you should let your inner freak free and fuck your sister, a goat, or a tranny hooker, like Schwartz daddy taught him.

queeraselvis v 2.0 September 21, 2009 at 2:39 pm

[re=415530]S.Luggo[/re]: Imagine that. Someone named Fagan leading a workshop on THE NEW MASCULINITY.

doxastic September 21, 2009 at 2:42 pm

I’m not the world’s biggest empiricist (see: nom de plume) but having spent a large amount of quality time with my own vag, i can say with confidence that it has not made me want someone else’s. Indeed, this has actually made me more sympathetic to the conservative agenda by making giant bags of dicks more appetizing.

Crank Tango September 21, 2009 at 2:45 pm

hmmm. is this just another classic case of republican projection?

this dude gained a love for cock after seeing it in the pr0n, ergo, pr0n makes you teh ghey?

And what is this shit about getting close with little boys?

E. Cohen Goldplatt September 21, 2009 at 2:48 pm

Turn your sexual drive inwards. Isn’t that what Cheney told Leahy to do?

doxastic September 21, 2009 at 2:50 pm

My favorite part is the “gasps from the crowd” as all the gentlemen begin to quickly question their own sexuality. Now you know why the panel was on the “new masculinity”

Aurelio September 21, 2009 at 2:51 pm

It’s true. All pornography is gay. The proof? It’s made in Hollywood, where the fruits pick the people.

Seanyboy September 21, 2009 at 2:53 pm

Lol @ his “former associates”… he means his old AIDSey butt buddies.

dijetlo September 21, 2009 at 2:55 pm

Anime Lesbian Bondage, people. It’s our only hope.

Extemporanus September 21, 2009 at 2:56 pm

[re=415588]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: It’s Pat!

Snarkalicious September 21, 2009 at 3:07 pm

Man, I never realized I was such a flaming homo. Wait…hold on. No, my sexual desire has been turned inward you say? No wonder I wake up with sticky ears so often. Liberating!

ph7 September 21, 2009 at 3:09 pm

When you’re a hammer, everything looks like a nail.

qaf September 21, 2009 at 3:16 pm

[re=415588]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: No wonder they ended up focusing on children.

qaf September 21, 2009 at 3:17 pm

(Erm, was going for a Oliver Twist reference. Badly. Please ignore.)

Tundra Grifter September 21, 2009 at 3:18 pm

Mr. Coburn: Here’s an invitation to turn your sexual drive inwards: “Go fuck yourself!”

Below the Beltway September 21, 2009 at 3:19 pm

Looking at porn only turns you gay if you do it in a men’s restroom in the Minnesota airport while adopting a wide stance. Even then, the causation is a little hazy.

WIDTAP September 21, 2009 at 3:21 pm

Leave it to a Republican to be the only one who fantasizes about himself during masturbation.

assistant/atlas September 21, 2009 at 3:24 pm

There are so many, many things wrong with this. For example, why is a Jewish pedophile working for Tom Coburn? I didn’t even think they had Jews in Oklahoma…

finette September 21, 2009 at 3:26 pm

Dude. Please read up on the gaze. Many straight women will readily tell you that it’s difficult to find anything…intriguing…to them on mainstream porn sites, because most of the videos only present the straight (usually hairy and potbellied) male POV.

Joshua Norton September 21, 2009 at 3:37 pm

Turn your sexual drive inwards.

That just sounds like another way of saying “Go F yourself”.

Amirite?

ServiceJervixJuice September 21, 2009 at 3:38 pm

“He kissed a girl!” “How Gay!” (Nelson and pals ridiculing Bart and his girlfriend)-Simpsons

This story about this tool’s gay friend sounds suspiciously like one of those phoney Promise Keeper morality tales.

tiger September 21, 2009 at 3:47 pm

dude is better than Palin. WHAT did that mean? Seriously, i’m lost here. And why once again does a government eployee say the word “sin”. Nuke Oklahoma please. Now. Or i’ll turn inward.

Darkness September 21, 2009 at 3:47 pm

No wonder the Bush Admin never got around to regulating lending, or bank capital risk, or even madoff, they was too busy taking care of the far more critical problem of eleven year old boys and girlie mags. They were going to get onto that other stuff the very second they had that first problem solved.

Chickensmack September 21, 2009 at 3:54 pm

today, we are all masturbatory corner-turning Christian ten-year-old queers.

nestor September 21, 2009 at 4:16 pm

I think he meant to say that the BEST porn is homo porn.

Tundra Grifter September 21, 2009 at 4:26 pm

[re=415533]Neoyorquino[/re]: My bad – you beat me to it and I didn’t see it.

groove September 21, 2009 at 4:35 pm

So then I’ve been gay for the last 17 years of my life.

Lionel Hutz Esq. September 21, 2009 at 4:39 pm

My God, I’ve been so much more cutting edge and tolerant than I knew. Guess I have to loose weight and clean up my house now.

problemwithcaring September 21, 2009 at 4:51 pm

If only all our domestic public policy could be formulated by 12 year-old boys and old white men with one masturbating gay friend.

TubeCity September 21, 2009 at 5:21 pm

His logic reminds me of the junkie sociopath London mobster in the movie “Layer Cake,” who kidnapped and raped straight men because, “Women are for poofs.”

loquaciousmusic September 21, 2009 at 5:22 pm

I’ve just received a tip that Michael Schwartz keeps a copy of Live Through This hidden in his sock drawer—and it’s not because he has an abiding love for the song “Miss World.”

Pass it on.

Min September 21, 2009 at 5:43 pm

And if you tell an 11-year-old boy about that, do you think he’s going to want to get a copy of Playboy?

Oh, honey. Do you actually think that boy hears you over the resounding cacaphony of “Yay, boobies!” in his head?

lochnessmonster September 21, 2009 at 5:51 pm

I wonder what is on HIS hard drive? After comments like that I think he ought to wipe it clean. If I were in law enforcement, I’d like to pay him a visit.

thefrontpage September 21, 2009 at 5:53 pm

You should have seen the litter of Value Voters attendees who careened over to Good Guys, Camelot, Archibald’s and the Palace Friday night and Saturday night–they loaded up on whiskey, bourbon and beer, tipped the dancers, paid for “private dances,” got into fights, four of them got arrested for disorderly conduct, and a whole crew of them went to some diner about 3 a.m. Sunday and ordered dozens of early-morning breakfasts, some of them still with dancers from the clubs. Then there was something about a late-night, after-hours party at some townhouse on C Street on Capitol Hill, and that party apparently went on until 5 a.m.!! There was some rumbling about a late-night, or early morning, run to a nearby 7-11 for certain health products, Dorito’s, liters of Diet Cokes, and several boxes of Slim Jims.

TVarmy September 21, 2009 at 6:19 pm

It’s like homeopathy. You expose people to materials meant to titillate one sexuality, and it will turn them into the polar opposite. Thus, we need to start subsidizing gay porn and showing it on TV 24/7, which will do the reverse of turning sexuality inwards. This senator may well have cured the gay!

Lascauxcaveman September 21, 2009 at 6:29 pm

Being a late bloomer, I didn’t discover my older brother’s box of Playboy’s until I was at least 12.

Dodged a bullet there!

Tundra Grifter September 21, 2009 at 7:18 pm

[re=415692]ServiceJervixJuice[/re]: Or the testimony heard at a meeting of Exodus International.

LoweredPeninsula September 22, 2009 at 4:18 am

Today, we are all 10-year-old, Playboy masturbating gay-boys.

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