yummy!

Coburn Chief Of Staff: All Porno Is Gay Porno

Here is Sen. Tom Coburn’s chief of staff, Michael Schwartz, at this weekend’s Values Voters Summit, talking about pornography. He has a number of interesting thoughts on the subject. Did you know that all porno is GAY porno? It is, seriously.

The audio is quiet and not really worth listening to, so just read:

“Pornography is a blight,” Schwartz told an audience in a crowded room of the Omni Shoreham hotel. “It is a disaster. It is one of those silent diseases in our society that we haven’t been able to overcome very well. Now, I may be getting politically incorrect here. And it’s been a few years, but not that many, since I was closely associated with pre-adolescent boys, boys around 10 years of age…”

GO ON?

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“But it is my observation that boys of that age have less tolerance for homosexuality than just about any other class of people. They speak badly about homosexuality. And that’s because they don’t want to be that way. They don’t want to fall into it.”

Schwartz told the crowd about Jim Johnson, a friend of his who turned an old hotel into a hospice for gay men dying of AIDS. “One of the things he said to me,” said Schwartz, “that I think is an astonishingly insightful remark… he said ‘All pornography is homosexual pornography, because all pornography turns your sexual drive inwards.”

There were murmurs and gasps from the crowd. “Now, think about that,” said Schwartz. “And if you tell an 11-year-old boy about that, do you think he’s going to want to get a copy of Playboy? I’m pretty sure he’ll lose interest. That’s the last thing he wants! You know, that’s a good comment, it’s a good point, and it’s a good thing to teach young people.”

This: “And if you tell an 11-year-old boy about that, do you think he’s going to want to get a copy of Playboy? I’m pretty sure he’ll lose interest. That’s the last thing he wants!”

HAHAHAHAHAHAH.

“Hey, Junior, if you read that Playboy, then you’re a FAG.”

“Is it so wrong to see some tits, Dad?”

“Shutup and leave the house, fag.”

Sen. Tom Coburn’s (R-Okla.) Chief of Staff: ‘All Pornography Is Homosexual Pornography’ [Washington Independent]

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About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

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108 comments

  1. Way Cool Larry

    Wow, after all those years I must be totally GAY by now. I had no idea. Can’t wait to tell my wife!

  2. Mull_Man

    So porn must lead to fondness for musicals and Judy Garland. This explains a great deal – thanks republican thought leader!

  3. Way Cool Larry

    Just wondering… does not being able to control one’s sexual desires automatically make one become a conservative? I think that might explain a lot, especially about their obsession with controlling sex.

  4. Joshua Norton

    Repubelicker “Family Values” Freaks have a bigger stash of gay porn than all the gay guys in the USA combined.

    Grab your dick and double click for porn, porn, porn.
    – Avenue Q

  5. jaba the slut

    So…….then what does the gay porn make you turn into?
    It is so difficult to figure this voo-doo shit out.

  6. yargisbargis

    My son is turning 11 soon, so thanks Mr. Schwartz, I’ll be sure to tell him not to turn his sexual drive inward but spread that sperm around!

  7. TGY

    He’s right, you know. Put down that goddamned Playboy mag and go buy a hooker, for the love of Plastic Jesus.

    Also, “They don’t want to fall into it.”? So homosexuality is some kind of puddle?

  8. norbizness

    At least the “well, at least Coburn might have smart people working for him” theory has been blown out of the water. P.S. Blown Out of the Water is a great gay porn re-imagining of the movie Splash.

  9. smitallica

    I’m a bit confused. So watching Tory Lane suck off a black guy whose dick is as long as my car is actually directed at me? So that means I’m the one packing a car-length black schlong? Ok, I need to diagram this…

  10. Uncle Sam

    “And it’s been a few years, but not that many, since I was closely associated with pre-adolescent boys, boys around 10 years of age…”

    Ahem…

  11. hiphophitler

    Y-y-you mean all those bottom-people in the doggystyle movies I thought were women were actually men? Yuck!

  12. Hed007

    Well, I do have a “man’s hand” touching me when I see the porno. Maybe he has a point.

    Going blind too.

  13. drpangloss

    Wait so wanking is homosexuality too? Guess I’m gayer than Liberachi. This guy is a Singularity of Stupid so dense no rational thought can escape.

  14. JMP

    Of course an 11-year-old isn’t going to want a copy of Playboy; they all have access to the internet nowdays and know how to get to the actual, hardcore porn instead. That’s why the porn mags are dying just like the newspapers.

  15. OReillysVibrator

    “See, I realized that sexually-appealing images would turn my sexual drive inwards. The way to avoid this is to surround yourself with things you find sexually repellent. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I was caught with all that male pornography on my computer.”

  16. Manos: Hands of Fate

    Why do we just expand this reasoning to every other kind of negative human behavior.

    Dad: “Son, have you studied for your test yet?”

    Son: “No”

    Dad: “stupid fag”

  17. shortsshortsshorts

    This means that almost every single person who uses a computer is gay. Holy hell. WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THIS COUNTRY?

  18. Extemporanus

    “And it’s been a few years, but not that many, since I was closely associated with pre-adolescent boys, boys around 10 years of age…”

    Never underestimate the power of the Schwartz!

  19. 4tehlulz

    >“Hey, Junior, if you read that Playboy, then you’re a FAG.”
    >“Is it so wrong to see some tits, Dad?”
    >“Shutup and leave the house, fag.”

    This is now my “facts of life” speech to my kid.

  20. mdotsota

    So the Values Voters have the maturity of 10 year old boys? No wonder so many of them are secret pedo bears.

  21. Egregious

    Michael Schwartz went on to explain that his views reflect his own experience. “In college, I happened to walk in on my roomates watching ‘The Girls of Mount Holio’ featuring a Mr. Rod Hardstone. After no more than five minutes seeing Mr. Hardstone in action, I found myself having very, VERY, icky thoughts about Roddy…I mean Mr. Hardstone.”

  22. tsunami

    soooo….after watching a video…
    does being a guy and only having sex with women make me a lesbian?

    i guess i am gay.
    thanks for the increased self awareness, schwartzie.

  23. RoscoePColtraine

    Can we ratchet up the masturbation-guilt, while we’re at it? We’ve been looking for a way to stop boys from doing that. Homosexual / Autosexual…young’uns won’t know there’s a difference. Too bad it’ll only be the churchy kids developing angst and deep psychosis. The heathens will figure, “this means I’m gay? So be it.”

  24. Manos: Hands of Fate

    It should be noted that Schwartz was speaking on a panel titled “THE NEW MASCULINITY” which sounds like the gayest workshop ever.

  25. AnnieGetYourFun

    I’m going to go out on a limb and say that a 10 year-old boy will speak negatively about heterosexuality, too. In fact, if I recall my male classmates at that age, the only thing that interested them was poop.

    Not that anything has likely changed in the 22+ years since then.

  26. TheTownCrotch

    Do you have any idea how gay I would be if watching porn made you, in fact, gay?

    The answer is: I would be Perez Hilton.

  27. Jim Demintia

    Yeah, just like when 200 years of telling boys it will make you go blind, insane, and grow hair on your palms really put a stop to masturbation.

  28. slowuncle

    [re=415467]Uncle Sam[/re]: the “…since I was associated with pre-adolescent boys…” line is the corker: That one is definitely your money shot; Cut & print!—–this one’s a wrap…

  29. mardam422

    How is this guy not the leading Republican candidate for President?? I mean, imagine what he could do by applying this sort of right thinking to wars tax cuts and stuff.

  30. Rascalcat

    Let’s see now, I just saw a study that says the red states lead the nation in porn consumption, not to mention teen pregnancies and STD’s, so if all porn is gay and the red states lead the nation in porn consumption, doesn’t that make them all gay?

    Not that there is anything wrong with that. :-)

  31. oldguy

    Give the guy some slack; he’s been trying to have conversations about the gayness with 10-year-old boys he’s been associated with for years and they speak badly about it. They react with intolerance. This is a very sad story.

  32. AbstinenceOnly Ed

    [re=415460]TGY[/re]: Yes, a puddle of Santorum

    Homosexuality is not something you “fall into” unless you are /drumLOL/ GAY. I grew up in San Francisco, drove past the “Polk Gulch Saloon” every morning and live near the Castro. I have yet to “fall” into a puddle of cock. You don’t “fall” into it unless you want to, unless it’s who you are, deep down, but are just to repressed to admit it, Mr. Schwartz.

  33. Dave J.

    Last night I watched some girl on girl action, and today I woke up sounding like Paul Lynde! This can’t be a coincidence.

  34. prizepig

    What happens if a husband and wife watch porn together while having normal heterosexual sex? Just cold doin’it all monogamous and procreative style.

    That’d be pretty fucked up, right?

    Also, the cat might be watching from down the hall.

  35. S.Luggo

    It gets better:

    SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 19
    GLOBAL WARMING HYSTERIA: THE NEW FACE OF THE “PRO-DEATH” AGENDA –
    Dr. Calvin Beisner, National Spokesman, Cornwall Alliance for the Stewardship of Creation

    THE NEW MASCULINITY – Dr. Pat Fagan, Senior Fellow and Director, Center for Family and Religion, FRC
    Feminism has wreaked havoc on marriage, women, children and men. It is time to redress the disorder it has wrought and that must start with getting the principles and ideals for a new “masculinism” right. Such a “masculinism” will have its dovetailing counterpart in a new “feminism” for they mutually define each other and, in nature, are meant to be complementary.

    http://www.valuesvotersummit.org/schedule

  36. Neoyorquino

    “All pornography is homosexual pornography, because all pornography turns your sexual drive inwards.” I guess my inwards-focused sex drive from years of porn is behind my urge to tell Michael Schwartz to “fuck himself.”

  37. Tundra Grifter

    Was that conference held on a lifeboat? The way the video kept pitching back and forth, I was about to hurl out my office window. Only – I don’t have an office window. Or an office…

  38. PsycGirl

    If I found a grown man telling my (non-existent) 11-year-old son about homosexuality and pornography, I would try to have him arrested.[re=415494]

    AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: In fact, if I recall my male classmates at that age, the only thing that interested them was poop.
    Word.

  39. ChernobylSoup v2

    Cool. One more way to justify porn to my wife. “Honey, I swear it’ll make me more interested in redecorating the house.”

  40. Prommie

    I’m releived that this is finally being put out there. Come on, this guy is right, he is just speaking the truth. The logic is simply irrefutable. If you like to play with cock, your gay. It doesn’t matter whether its your own cock, or someone else’s cock, if you play with cock, you are gay. Yup, the hard truth is that your own dick is a gateway cock to other cocks.

  41. swayzeland

    [re=415494]AnnieGetYourFun[/re]: 10 year old boys: Republican think tank par excellence. They like making bomb noises. They like playing with toy guns. They think ketchup is a vegetable. They can’t respond to an argument with anything smart, so they just yell out.

    What’s weird is that I don’t think they like going to church.

  42. JSDC007

    All porn is gay porn if you’re a family values Republican.

    In fact, all toilet paper is also gay porn. Just ask Larry Craig.

  43. ph7

    Michael Schwartz is chief of staff for a fundamentalist Senator? Looks likes he’s gone “all in” in his self-denial.

  44. sezme

    “But it is my observation that boys of that age have less tolerance for homosexuality than just about any other class of people.”

    I imagine he’s speaking from personal experience of his close associations with young boys, and the fact that they definitely did not want to suck his cock. But what a brilliant idea! Tell them they’ll become gay if they look at pornography, come back in a year, tell them that they are now gay (because really what non-Amish boy hasn’t looked at pornography by age 12) and therefore, get busy with the sucking.

  45. PrairiePossum

    ‘All pornography is homosexual pornography, because all pornography turns your sexual drive inwards.”

    Yeah boys, Schwartz doesn’t want you to turn your sexuality inward. Instead you should let your inner freak free and fuck your sister, a goat, or a tranny hooker, like Schwartz daddy taught him.

  46. queeraselvis v 2.0

    [re=415530]S.Luggo[/re]: Imagine that. Someone named Fagan leading a workshop on THE NEW MASCULINITY.

  47. doxastic

    I’m not the world’s biggest empiricist (see: nom de plume) but having spent a large amount of quality time with my own vag, i can say with confidence that it has not made me want someone else’s. Indeed, this has actually made me more sympathetic to the conservative agenda by making giant bags of dicks more appetizing.

  48. Crank Tango

    hmmm. is this just another classic case of republican projection?

    this dude gained a love for cock after seeing it in the pr0n, ergo, pr0n makes you teh ghey?

    And what is this shit about getting close with little boys?

  49. doxastic

    My favorite part is the “gasps from the crowd” as all the gentlemen begin to quickly question their own sexuality. Now you know why the panel was on the “new masculinity”

  50. Aurelio

    It’s true. All pornography is gay. The proof? It’s made in Hollywood, where the fruits pick the people.

  51. Snarkalicious

    Man, I never realized I was such a flaming homo. Wait…hold on. No, my sexual desire has been turned inward you say? No wonder I wake up with sticky ears so often. Liberating!

  52. Below the Beltway

    Looking at porn only turns you gay if you do it in a men’s restroom in the Minnesota airport while adopting a wide stance. Even then, the causation is a little hazy.

  53. assistant/atlas

    There are so many, many things wrong with this. For example, why is a Jewish pedophile working for Tom Coburn? I didn’t even think they had Jews in Oklahoma…

  54. finette

    Dude. Please read up on the gaze. Many straight women will readily tell you that it’s difficult to find anything…intriguing…to them on mainstream porn sites, because most of the videos only present the straight (usually hairy and potbellied) male POV.

  55. Joshua Norton

    Turn your sexual drive inwards.

    That just sounds like another way of saying “Go F yourself”.

    Amirite?

  56. ServiceJervixJuice

    “He kissed a girl!” “How Gay!” (Nelson and pals ridiculing Bart and his girlfriend)-Simpsons

    This story about this tool’s gay friend sounds suspiciously like one of those phoney Promise Keeper morality tales.

  57. tiger

    dude is better than Palin. WHAT did that mean? Seriously, i’m lost here. And why once again does a government eployee say the word “sin”. Nuke Oklahoma please. Now. Or i’ll turn inward.

  58. Darkness

    No wonder the Bush Admin never got around to regulating lending, or bank capital risk, or even madoff, they was too busy taking care of the far more critical problem of eleven year old boys and girlie mags. They were going to get onto that other stuff the very second they had that first problem solved.

  59. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    My God, I’ve been so much more cutting edge and tolerant than I knew. Guess I have to loose weight and clean up my house now.

  60. problemwithcaring

    If only all our domestic public policy could be formulated by 12 year-old boys and old white men with one masturbating gay friend.

  61. TubeCity

    His logic reminds me of the junkie sociopath London mobster in the movie “Layer Cake,” who kidnapped and raped straight men because, “Women are for poofs.”

  62. loquaciousmusic

    I’ve just received a tip that Michael Schwartz keeps a copy of Live Through This hidden in his sock drawer—and it’s not because he has an abiding love for the song “Miss World.”

    Pass it on.

  63. Min

    And if you tell an 11-year-old boy about that, do you think he’s going to want to get a copy of Playboy?

    Oh, honey. Do you actually think that boy hears you over the resounding cacaphony of “Yay, boobies!” in his head?

  64. lochnessmonster

    I wonder what is on HIS hard drive? After comments like that I think he ought to wipe it clean. If I were in law enforcement, I’d like to pay him a visit.

  65. thefrontpage

    You should have seen the litter of Value Voters attendees who careened over to Good Guys, Camelot, Archibald’s and the Palace Friday night and Saturday night–they loaded up on whiskey, bourbon and beer, tipped the dancers, paid for “private dances,” got into fights, four of them got arrested for disorderly conduct, and a whole crew of them went to some diner about 3 a.m. Sunday and ordered dozens of early-morning breakfasts, some of them still with dancers from the clubs. Then there was something about a late-night, after-hours party at some townhouse on C Street on Capitol Hill, and that party apparently went on until 5 a.m.!! There was some rumbling about a late-night, or early morning, run to a nearby 7-11 for certain health products, Dorito’s, liters of Diet Cokes, and several boxes of Slim Jims.

  66. TVarmy

    It’s like homeopathy. You expose people to materials meant to titillate one sexuality, and it will turn them into the polar opposite. Thus, we need to start subsidizing gay porn and showing it on TV 24/7, which will do the reverse of turning sexuality inwards. This senator may well have cured the gay!

  67. Lascauxcaveman

    Being a late bloomer, I didn’t discover my older brother’s box of Playboy’s until I was at least 12.

    Dodged a bullet there!

Comments are closed.