Wonkette

Never steal a samurai’s Xbox. Because he will Seppuku you, with his samurai sword… that he ordered from SkyMall… while studying electrical engineering at Johns Hopkins. [Washington Times]

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• A free performance of Rossini’s operatic masterpiece, The Barber Of The Orange Line. [Unsuck DC Metro]
• DC was terrorized by massive traffic jams during Michelle Obama’s terrible “Farmer Pride” parade. [Washington Examiner]
• This would explain why DC has the highest kilos-of-cocaine per capita ratio in the Western Hemisphere. [DCist]
• Rejoice! It’s your neighborhood sketchball, just cruisin’ around in his sketchball van. (Don’t worry though it has windows!) [Holla Back DC]