Another Bunch Of Cartoons About Health Care, Plus Poop, Literal Actual Poop

By the Comics Curmudgeon
Hey, you know what, America: I want this health care dealio over with as soon as you do. Not because I care about my own or anyone else’s health, mind you; I am just tired of all the cartoons being churned out about it, when there could be cartoons churned out about something much sexier, like a sex scandal, or a gay sex scandal. But until that day comes, I will be forced to comment on the whole health care reform thingimabob. Fortunately, none of the cartoonists commenting on it understand it any more than I do, but they do sure do know one thing: poop is hilarious!

What did Obama do during the “Congressional recess,” when he should have been convincing all Americans to love his crazy health care schemes, with his charismatic teleprompter? Well, instead, someone chopped him into pieces! This sick fiend managed was clearly (a) motivated by an insatiable hatred of health care and all it stands for and (b) deranged, as he scrawled arcane messages like “mandatory coverage” and “confusion” on the scattered Obama-parts. And yet the policeman is just willing to write this off as “self-inflicted.” Oh, just another case of black-on-black crime that you can ignore, copper? THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS TO BLACK MEN IN AMERICA.

Ha ha, just kidding, all of Obama’s limbs are still firmly attached to his torso … FOR THE MOMENT. Nevertheless, since he is keenly interested in maintaining his body’s structural integrity, he needs to find a way to sedate the Bitters. Since he’s just stone cold reformin’ health care all the time these days, naturally his thoughts turned to pills, and he came up with the idea of attempting to lull his political opponents into a dull sense of acquiescence with the same magical pharmaceuticals that America’s parents use to get their kids to stop shrieking while the TV is on. But, silly Obama! You can’t defeat Republicans with drugs! That’s Democrat territory. Next time, try little boys.

Like that Max Baucus! He’s got the right idea! After weeks and weeks and weeks of trying to woo Chuck Grassley and Mike Enzi with his so-called “thoughts” and “ideas,” he finally broke down and started talking in the language they understood: the language of pederasty fantasy role-play. “Gosh, Senators, I’m just a tenderfoot scout glad to be here at the Senate to earn my Civics badge … oh, it’s traditional in Senate offices not to wear any pants? Well, OK, if you say so … OH MY GOD!” Later, once they’re enjoying their post-coital afterglow, he can convince them to sign whatever half-assed compromise bill he’s cooked up.

This bill will in fact be an actual bucket full of human waste, presumably all liquid and soupy, the better to splatter everywhere when tossed into a fan, which is what Max Baucus plans to do with it, at least according to Jeff Danzinger, who, you will recall, is America’s Greatest Living Cartoonist Drawing True Things That Will Turn Your Stomach.

And then … a giant elephant comes along, and poops on Obama’s head?

Sure, why not.

Everybody poops!

On Obama’s head!

Oh, that’s good political commentary there, my friends.

Ha ha! Poopyhead!

Anyway, the whole health care debacle became moot when scientists figured out a way to build endless replicas of Dick Cheney’s snarling head out of his stem cells, then implant those Cheney-heads into the chests of every American. This caused all of us to become immortal and invulnerable to illness of any kind, just like Cheney himself, so all doctors had to quit and get real jobs and Americans could focus on important, non-health-care issues, whatever those happen to be, we have sort of forgotten at this point ourselves.

As a result, Obama got to devote his newfound free time to his favorite hobby: turtle racing! Isn’t it cute? Remember, this cartoon comes from Singapore, where it isn’t considered racist to portray a black guy as a jockey. PROBABLY.