email of the day

Wolf Blitzer Is Dumb Maybe, Drunk Person Says

This *might* be a first, in which someone wins “Email of the Day” as an award, not a punishment:

From: Brian S.
To: tips@wonkette.com
Date: Thu, Sep 17, 2009 at 7:49 PM
Subject: wold blitzer is an idiot

wolf blitzer is on jeporady right now and is getting stomped. he is a MORAN. here is really not much of a tip here but whatevs.

HAHAHAH WOLF just got 800 points taken away in a “score correction” because he called julia child julia childs. HE HAS negative 200 dollars. ha make that negative 1000, not kidding negative 3000 now, he is the stupidest person ever.

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About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

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86 comments

  1. MGBYG

    Oh, give Wolfeee a break.

    Professionally he only has to ask questions not answer questions, folks! Bigg f’ing diff, goddit?

    And he make a fine soup, too!

  2. LoweredPeninsula

    Oh, god, do I hate the capsphobic. That said, I hate Wold/Wolf Blitzer even more, so Brian wins this round…

  3. ioksotot23

    Wolf Blitzer, remembering crystalnacht, not remembering drunk french chefs…”These are the ones we must get out of the gene pool, mein fuhrer…”

  4. kth

    Jeopardy has gotten really dickish about exact pronunciations lately: “Ooh, I’m sorry, you said ‘who is Willem de Koonig?’; the correct answer was ‘who is Willem de Kooning’.” (real example; yes, like Rain Man, I habitually watch quiz shows)

  5. Extemporanus

    [re=413879]magic titty[/re]: “Well, the game is afoot. I’ll take ‘Anal bum Cover’ for $7,000.”

  6. Studebaker Hoch

    [re=413883]rocktonsammy[/re]: They probably started calling him “Wolf” in grade school , right around the time little “Leslie” started coming home from school with his underwear pulled up to his chin on a daily basis.

  7. GreatOldOnesParty

    [re=413871]glamourdammerung[/re]: “Mr. Brando?”
    “Teddy.”
    “I’m afraid that’s…”
    “WHO is Teddy?”
    “No, Mr. Brando, the category is ‘Famous Roberts’”
    (Beep, beep, beep)
    “Mr. Reynolds?”
    “Eh, I think he’s right.”

  8. chascates

    At least he would have beaten Larry King. Our Austin community station (go KOOP.org!) ended its fundraiser last week and on one show every time someone pledged the DJ read one of Larry’s tweets. I’m not sure if that helped the station or not.

  9. glamourdammerung

    [re=413884]kth[/re]: With a score as low as his, there is clearly more (or less) at work than pronunciation issues.

  10. Brendan M.

    If you’re not pre-gaming the season premiere of Always Sunny like Brian, you’re doing very, very wrong.

  11. widget09

    I don’t think he would have made a good German U-boat captian. Lets’s face it the name Wolf Blitzer conjures up that vision for some reason.

  12. SayItWithWookies

    And let’s not forget that the person who mopped the floor with Wolf was…Andy Richter. Not that I thought Andy was dumb — I’d just never given it any thought whatsoever. And neither had Wolf, at least by the way he looked at the end of Double Jeopardy, when Alex was explaining that instead of having to leave, he was getting a thousand bucks to bet with. He looked like the world’s most self-hating lawn gnome.

  13. norbizness

    [re=413908]Landstander[/re]:

    TV host: Okay, the capital of North Dakota was named for what German ruler?
    Homer: Hitler!
    Marge: [coming in with food] Hitler, North Dakota?

  14. Jim Demintia

    I’m not surprised that Andy is smart. His father is a professor of Russian linguistics at Indiana University (not that this guarantees anything, of course). He taught a class on phonetics at a summer program I took there a few years ago. He looks a lot like Andy and has a lot of the same mannerisms, so it was always a little uncanny and hard to keep a straight face when getting yelled at by him for bad pronunciation.

  15. Kenneth the NBC Governor

    [re=413914]S.Luggo[/re]: No, not caffeinated. Caffeine is fine. It’s non-diet sodas that are the target of the food tax police. And the thing that makes it really, you know, insane, is that the federal government currently gives tax subsidies to the same corn growers, whose syrup is then turned into delicious, taxable Coca-Cola.

  16. bored with gravity

    Okay, Sara is obviously tired of changing Baby K’s diapers, and sent this in to screw with our heads. Thanks for thinking of us. Now back to mothering.

  17. QuestionEvil

    Maybe what Wolf needed was one of those Jedi holograms that CNN was so fond of a few months ago to whisper sweet answers in his ear so he didn’t look like such an uniformed Obi Wan Kenobi clone.

    also wolf knew he was going to get pwn’d by Andy Richter after he did it to him in the practice game they showed on the Tonight Show last night.

  18. Dilaceratus

    What was the most delicious about watching Wolf Blitzer muff the dumbed-down celebrity Jeopardy questions whilst young Mr Richter shamefacedly raked up $68,000 in easy pickings was the very end, when the diminutive Mr Blitzer visibly had to step down off a box placed behind his podium. The pained look on his face made it clear that, indeed, it was not as though he were stepping lower, but that the Heel of God was pressing him into the ground.

    Perhaps now he will recognize the truth in the words I long to whisper into his earpiece, during commercial breaks: He would be more use to the world were he kept in a taller, smarter person’s pocket to be used as a Q-tip.

  19. hobospacejunkie

    [re=413930]Dilaceratus[/re]: Wolf appreciates the way you stick the knife in & twist. Also, Wolf is named after Hitler, obviously. Ol’ Adolf loved for people to call him Wolfie, a nickname he thought of himself, because he was a sad loner with no real friends, just sycophants. If only more people had loved poor Adolf!

  20. Nappied Hypotenuse

    [re=413891]GreatOldOnesParty[/re]: One’s a sick duck and I can’t remember how it ends, but your mother’s a whore.

  21. Extemporanus

    [re=413910]Johnny Zhivago[/re]: I was thinking more along the lines of:

    WOLF: “I’ll take ‘False Equivalencies’ for $200, Alex.”

    ALEX: “You’ve hit the ‘Daily Double’! The answer is ‘Obama as witchdoctor.’”

    WOLF: “What is racist or satirical?”

    ALEX: “Fuck you, Mr. Blitzer. Just…fuck you.”

  22. Atheist Nun

    [re=413917]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Not only that, but Conan had a segment on last night that Andy filmed during the “warm-up round” and he won that one too. So Andy Richter beat Wolf Blitzer twice. There were a few clips of him trying to talk to “Wolf” and Blitzer was a complete asshat. Maybe he was too busy thinking about shark attacks to answer the questions correctly?

  23. Gallowglass

    Wolf’s massive head would seem to indicate a likewise massive brain, but it’s all smoke and mirrors. Like those moths whose wings look like a predator’s face.

    You are nature’s lie, Mr. Blitzer.

  24. Neilist

    News Flash!!!

    The losing contestant just took an AK47 and shot up the studio audience!

    Then he took a RPG-7 to the camera crew?

    Why?

    Because his name isn’t “Wolf.”

    It’s . . . .

    WOLFERINESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

    [I can't get over the idea of a re-make, starring Connor Cruise. I just can't.]

  25. shadowMark

    [re=413946]Neilist[/re]: I can’t get over the idea of a re-make — Go to the Wonkette home page. Look at the upper left corner. Stare into the big eyes of the pretty Wonkette Girl. Say, out loud, “Help me, Wonkette Girl, get over this Red Dawn remake thing.” Then, in your heart, think about how much you love the pretty Wonkette Girl. In your dreams tonight, she will come to you and love you too and make everything okay and tomorrow you’ll laugh thinking how the Red Dawn remake thing used to bug you for some reason. That’s why this site is so cool. The pretty Wonkette Girl is magic.

  26. S.Luggo

    [re=413923]Kenneth the NBC Governor[/re]:

    1. Why do you hate our freedom-loving, Iowa corn syrup producers?

    Is it because, in massively-consumed processed foods, corn syrup is the next step to Diabetes 2, unconsciousness, or something, something?

    2. Why do you hate our freedom-loving, weight-loss and diabetes drug industries?

    — Chuckley Grassley

  27. Lascauxcaveman

    Wolf Blitzer is dumb enough to make Andy Richter look like a god.

    That is really something.

    As a bonafide Jeopardy nerd, I gotta say I really hate the celebrity shows, where I always get all the answers right. It’s like being a grad student competing in a second grade spelling bee.

  28. Lionel Hutz Esq.

    Brian S., thank you for the most coherent post ever on Wonkette. In a different universe, I could call you friend.

  29. dementor

    I googled “Wolf Blitzer” to see if his real name is Leslie (I figured two citations made it nearly fact…thanks, [re=413890]Studebaker Hoch[/re]: and [re=413893]Mr Blifil[/re]:), and was shocked to see the webpage I just left (“Wolf Blitzer Is Dumb Maybe, Drunk Person Says”) already at the #4 spot on the Googles. Wonkette infiltrates the tubes might fast.

  30. whiskey tango foxtrot

    [re=413964]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: Riiiiiiiiight? I can just imagine Blitzer going all Sean Connery on Trebek’s ass. He’s perfect, has the voice, the silver mane, everything. everything. If he could affect a light scotsman’s accent he’d be a dead ringer.”You’re down to minus seven thousand, Wolf Blitzer.” “Suck it, Trebek!”

  31. heroinmule

    What a coincidence! I was drinking a horrid Argentine chardonnay and posted a similar summary of said horrid jeopardy performance as my facebook status. Andy Richter wrecked Blitzer’s ass. OWNED!

  32. heroinmule

    [re=413921]Jim Demintia[/re]: Dude, I can’t speak for Linguistics, but IU is solid as hell for the humanities. Prof Richter was in the dept. of Slavic Lang. and Lit. I’m in the English department, and I certainly hope the Linguistics department is decent considering the level of arrogance of some of their students in my Old English class. Ay gross, Chaco sandals and toe fungus! I saw the Richter Jeopardy domination, and all I can say is that I feel bad for the Blitzer family. Not only do they have an absent father, but also they have a slightly retarded, absent father.

  33. El Pinche

    this is why the computer goes off whenever i get high.

    And Wolf, well, he’s the greatest “war anchor” the world has ever seen.
    And DO NOT FUCK with his Situation Room. Glenn Beck took a shit on the floor of the Situation Room…ONCE. Now’s he’s on FoxNews.

  34. jasper f. krone

    Trebek is no taller that Wolf. He, too, needs to step down off a box. When I was on Jeopardy! (I came in 2nd to some savant that won 9 days in a row and went on to win Ultimate Tournament of Champions, so I didn’t feel so bad — no offense, Dan, if you’re here), we got to pose for “candids” with Alex. Not only did they mail it with the cheesiest etched-glass frame you’ve ever seen, but they clearly not only made him taller, but they also made him thinner and me fatter. I look like I’m on wide-screen, while he’s just on a normal screen.

    Plus, he (Alex) is a total prick. (No offense Alex, if you’re here.)

  35. Mr. Tusks

    “Andy” Richter, that is. Wolf finished Double Jeopardy at -$4,000 and got the mercy $1,000 just so he could play final Jeopardy.

    Makes sense though. Our comedians are Harvard-educated (see Conan) but cable TV journalists really only need to read the teleprompter (see Wolf, apparently).

  36. Scooter

    “Gulf War for $200, Alex.”

    “This CNN correspondent’s career peaked about 5 minutes into the war and has been in freefall ever since . . . Wolf, you rang in first.”

    “Who? Me?”

    “Correct. Pick again.”

  37. Monsieur Grumpe

    Damn it. I missed it.
    What makes Wolf losing even better is that they dumb down the questions on the celebrity shows. So that makes Wolfman extra really, really dumb.

  38. Better American Than You

    Wolf is quickly becoming the little old Jewish man in Fort Lauderdale who clears his throat and resumes his shuffleboard game.

    On another Turner Classic note: Headline News was on a TV at the gym last night. Even with no sound, it was a serious buffoon festival — some guy in a red beret clown outfit and a whole shit bucket of conjecturing.

  39. PlanetWingnuta

    So Leslie, So Wolf, So stupid.

    Revenge of the Katrina victims!!!

    (i do hope whatever chairty he was playing for that they got their money up front)

  40. Speed Ball

    It was so amazingly awesome. The best was when the answer was, “This five letter word is used to refer to a great stock market crash”. Wolf hits his button and answers, “What is a crash?”. HE ACTUALLY USED A WORD THAT WAS IN THE ACTUAL QUESTION.

    The correct response was “What is a panic?”.

    IT WAS FOR CHARITY.

    Why does Wolf Blitzer hate charities?

  41. Better American Than You

    I just looked at some of the YouTube. Wolf thinks mostaccioli is fettuccine? They never have pasta in The Situation Room?

  42. El Pinche

    I’d like to see Kristol and Wolf head to head on “Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader.” Johan Goldberg can be one of the 5th graders.

  43. thefrontpage

    But the real reason to watch this bizarro “celebrity” version of “Jeopardy” was to look at the still very hot and somewhat-milfy Dana Delaney, who somehow managed to be hot wearing ridiculous glasses and answering weird questions/answers/whatever. Andy Richter, though, kicked ass throughout the game. His dad, a professor, should be proud.

  44. AnnieGetYourFun

    [re=413884]kth[/re]: It used to be that Alex would just over-pronounce the word like crazy in response to whatever answer the contestant gave. I think Colbert did an awesome mash-up of that once, because Trebec pronounced Colbert as “Coal-Bert”. There was anger.

  45. hoosiermama

    [re=414015]jasper f. krone[/re]: All I can say is, you REALLY enjoyed your time on Jeopardy! I’d like to see the Blingee for your appearance on Wipeout, now.

  46. laverneandsurely

    Typical lib reporter. Take away the teleprompter and they don’t know their ass from their elbow.

  47. DP

    I always thought Wolf Blitzer was a breathless hump masquerading as a newsman. Now I realize he’s a utterly STUPID breathless hump masquerading as a newsman.

  48. Count Spatula

    [re=414453]laverneandsurely[/re]: It’s adorable that you think Bush could even pronounce anything w/o his teleprompter – with phonetic pronunciations.

Comments are closed.