NON SERVIAM!  3:23 pm September 16, 2009

Who Knew They Even *Had* Kenyan Birth Certificates In Hell??

by Juli Weiner

Guess what Satanists? The honeymoon period is OVER and your Barack Obama is now going to actually have to work to manipulate crucial “swing voters” and “independents” and “actual human adult retards” that he has no plans to involve our troops in another war… against JESUS CHRIST!! This is no longer a given. [The Washington Independent]

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Hola wonkerados.

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orange September 16, 2009 at 3:26 pm

I’ve never been so sure of something so metaphysical in my life.

cheeto_jeebus September 16, 2009 at 3:31 pm

Survey Says!….21% of respondents are dumber than a bucket of hammers.

BitterPolitico September 16, 2009 at 3:34 pm

Looks like that 8% were not cool enough to be raptured up by God before the start of Obama’s seven year reign.

Lionel Hutz Esq. September 16, 2009 at 3:35 pm

Wait, if Obama isn’t the Anti-Christ, then who the hell have I’ve been sacrificing innocents to for the last eight months?

BobTheBuilder September 16, 2009 at 3:36 pm

If you are Barack Obama, press 666.

Extemporanus September 16, 2009 at 3:36 pm

Please explain to me how those who voted “Yes” and “Not Sure” managed to do so on a rotary phone?

BklynIlluminati September 16, 2009 at 3:36 pm

Yeah but where does Xenu fit in all this??

Jim Demintia September 16, 2009 at 3:36 pm

And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,/ Slouches towards Mombasa to be born?

hiphophitler September 16, 2009 at 3:39 pm

I, for one, welcome our new unholy overlord. Also, since the Rapture must be about to begin, I am waiting for my first shipment of now-orphaned Christian pets.

widget09 September 16, 2009 at 3:40 pm

But when is he going to make world peace? According to tho biblical folklore AC will do that, then we will all recieve the “mark of the beast & the number of his name (666)”, then we will have to worship our Kenyan overlord. Only problem is, this has to happen world wide, good luck with that, and oh, don’t forget to rebuild the temple in Jerusalem………..Poppycock!

Way Cool Larry September 16, 2009 at 3:42 pm

I for one have new found hope for our country, as an overwhelming 79% of Amerkins are not batshit loony.

hiphophitler September 16, 2009 at 3:42 pm

Actually, this is a better link to the soon-to-be-orphaned pet site.

Min September 16, 2009 at 3:42 pm

Jesus called. He wants his religion back.

Extemporanus September 16, 2009 at 3:42 pm

[re=412430]BobTheBuilder[/re]: 1-900-HELL-YES!

Mahousu September 16, 2009 at 3:42 pm

[re=412427]Lionel Hutz Esq.[/re]: As if you only started eight months ago.

sad tortoise September 16, 2009 at 3:43 pm

Is Barack Obama the secret son of Satan? Hmmm, I’m not sure. I think I need to carefully study this issue a bit more, weigh all the facts, the available evidence, the various relevant scientific journals and so on, before I can come to a fully-informed opinion.

dementor September 16, 2009 at 3:44 pm

The lede here is that 79% of some pool of people were willing to answer the ludricrous question. Might as well have a poll asking “Are you an idiot for responding to our infantile attempts at relevance?”

Pilate September 16, 2009 at 3:47 pm

[re=412442]Way Cool Larry[/re]: really, the problem is that surveys consistently find that 20-30% of our population is insane.

9-11 truthers, Birthers, Bush approval rating, now Obamantichrist – it always hovers around that same 20-30%.

Who even ARE these people.

hiphophitler September 16, 2009 at 3:49 pm

[re=412449]sad tortoise[/re]: Goddamn socialist!

GreenHalo September 16, 2009 at 3:51 pm

13% of responders were NOT SURE if an elected official, whose antics have saturated pop culture for two years, is the Anti-Christ!? Not to get all technical, but no. Just no.

I thought I had stepped in dogshit and tracked it into the room, but my shoes are clean; this poll be stankin’. (13% Yes, 8% Not Sure is believable, given the right sample.)

SayItWithWookies September 16, 2009 at 3:55 pm

It may not be the War on Christmas, but hey — in September you take what you can get. So — war on St. Cornelius’ Day, anyone?

dementor September 16, 2009 at 3:55 pm

[re=412443]hiphophitler[/re]: Beautiful. I’ll start the Washington state chapter. And if the soon-to-be-raptured pay a hefty fee upfront, I will act as a surrogate parent to their godless, left-behind children.

queeraselvis v 2.0 September 16, 2009 at 3:58 pm

Those 8% who answered yes could be spotted hurtling down the New Jersey Turnpike buck nekkid in expectation of the Rapture.

qwerty42 September 16, 2009 at 4:01 pm

I suppose we should consider the possibility:
Q: Do you think Barack Obama is the AntiChrist?
A: whatever
A: the what? yeah, sure.
A: I’m the Antichrist
A: He wishes.
A: Hell, who cares? put me down for “yes”.
A: f*$^ yeah.
A: screw you.

there are 8 million responses in the naked city …

hobospacejunkie September 16, 2009 at 4:03 pm

You have entered the name Not Sure. Is this correct, Not Sure?

No, it’s not correct.

Thank you! “Not” is correct. Is “Sure” correct?

No, it’s not. My name is Obama.

WhatTheHeck September 16, 2009 at 4:03 pm

The only person… er, being who would know for sure is Sata… Cheney.
And it would not be in his best interests to finger the anti-Christ, would it?

Lionel Hutz Esq. September 16, 2009 at 4:04 pm

[re=412446]Mahousu[/re]: Touché.

TGY September 16, 2009 at 4:06 pm

If Obama were the anti-Christ, Joe Wilson would be lying somewhere, pecked to death by crows or whatever, and his soul laid to waist.

“So if you meet me, have some courtesy have some sympathy
and some taste
Use all your well learned politesse or I’ll lay your soul to waste”

TGY September 16, 2009 at 4:09 pm

Or ‘waste’ as he case may be.

Holy Cow!! September 16, 2009 at 4:11 pm

Being the real Anti-Christ, I’m very angry about this amateur stealing my spotlight.

Hopey dont play that game September 16, 2009 at 4:14 pm

I really need a Bob Marley-sized bowl to make sense of this survey. And a big bag of Funyuns.

Carl Spakler September 16, 2009 at 4:16 pm fear with this one gang…the same site says that George ‘Macca’ Allen is making a comeback in VA.

Comeback…yeah, only if he’s going on tour with Def Leppard, and Journey

One Yield Regular September 16, 2009 at 4:17 pm

So many Anti-Christs. So little time. How can I choose?

Lascauxcaveman September 16, 2009 at 4:18 pm

[re=412443]hiphophitler[/re]: I refuse to believe in a God that won’t rapture my lil’ Sassy and Mr. Whiskers with me.

We’re a package deal God!

american mutt September 16, 2009 at 4:20 pm

Mostly hispanics think he’s the anti-christ. Yeah, I thought that was a factor. They brought the “old world” here with them. Barry needs to capture and kill the chupacabra to prove them wrong.

groove September 16, 2009 at 4:24 pm

“Well, at first I was going to immediately choose ‘no,’ but then I asked myself, ‘Why would they ask me this question if there wasn’t a reason for it?’ so I selected ‘not sure.’”

slowuncle September 16, 2009 at 4:25 pm

[re=412443]hiphophitler[/re]: I don’t mind taking up some of the slack and caring for the Left-Behind-Petz when the Jesuspeople beam out of here, but I don’t see why I need to stop there. I would just love a nice hillside view of the city, a swimming pool, late-model Saab, ski boat, and upgraded sound system…How soon are they clearing out? Jeez, we just elected a black Muslim nazi/commie Kenyan Anti-Christ—–gotta signal the end of the world! Soon? Yes?

chascates September 16, 2009 at 4:26 pm

Isn’t the AntiChrist supposed to be Jewish and from Russia? And what better AntiChrist than a person who is a lawyer, a dentist, AND a realtor?

Kev-O-Tron September 16, 2009 at 4:27 pm

[re=412463]SayItWithWookies[/re]: Fuck it Wookies lets just get this Christmas warring on NOW! I’ve been cleaning my reindeer gun for weeks in anticipation.

OzoneTom September 16, 2009 at 4:32 pm

[re=412478]hobospacejunkie[/re]: …brought to you by Carl’s Jr…

Better American Than You September 16, 2009 at 4:33 pm

I didn’t know the Apocalyse was something we could VOTE ON?!?!

Meh, democracy may have over-extended itself just a tad.

AKAM80TheWolf September 16, 2009 at 4:36 pm

This is Jersey you see, they were asking whether or not they thought Obama was the one person who opposed gubernatorial candidate Chris “Christina” Christie.

I weep for my state.

WadISay September 16, 2009 at 4:46 pm

When Nate Silver drills into the data, we will learn that (1) slightly fewer people believe Obama is the AntiChrist in Harvard Square and San Francisco, and (2) solid majorities believe he is the AntiChrist in a vast swath running from West Virginia to Oklahoma.

McDuff September 16, 2009 at 4:58 pm

[re=412521]chascates[/re]: Just in the past 100 years, the anti-Christ has apparently been Lenin, Stalin, FDR, Hitler, back to Stalin, JFK (Catholic, you know), Qadhafi, Khomeini, Saddam, and now Obama.

A/C gets around, but doesn’t get much soul-destroying actually done.

AxmxZ September 16, 2009 at 5:12 pm

They have it all wrong. Obama is a Reptiloid.

Way Cool Larry September 16, 2009 at 5:20 pm

Actually, back in the day, I was convinced that Reagan was the anti-christ. He was evil enough and had the 6-6-6 thing working for him in his name: Ronald Wilson Reagan.

lawrenceofthedesert September 16, 2009 at 5:29 pm

How many believe that Charlie Crist is the Auntie Mame?

Georgia Burning September 16, 2009 at 5:33 pm

[re=412567]McDuff[/re]: None of these guys could cut it, people underestimate the job. You need an accounting background to begin with.

lochnessmonster September 16, 2009 at 5:41 pm

He is no anti-Christ, he is a voodoo master like his mama was a voodoo queen. ‘Memeber how way back when he was born she put a spell on all the people he would meet in his life when he grew and they would tell lies for him like he was born in Hawaii and other stuff she thought up. She was one powerful woman.

Links September 16, 2009 at 5:53 pm

What if the 8% Anti-Christers are Satanists who worship Obama?

QueenOfTheDamned September 16, 2009 at 6:02 pm

[re=412520]slowuncle[/re]: Yeah, but you aren’t living in some godless hellhole, I hope?
If so, you’d better think about moving, pronto! ALL my neighbors here in snake-handler’s central are gonna be taken up; so I’ll be tall hog at the trough Post-Rapture. Can you be sure your acquaintances won’t be Left Behind with you?

slowuncle September 16, 2009 at 6:18 pm

[re=412649]QueenOfTheDamned[/re]: I live in Portland, OR; All of my neighbors have that telltale damned-for-all-time look to them, so they’ll probably still show up for work like me on “the day after”. However, to the west is a pseudo-Repub bedroom community, so if I get the Sooners jump on my heathen friends I might be able to scoop up some fine Christian swag—what with the cost of gas out here, the Hummers have been gathering dust as if their Holy Key-bearers had already raptured on out!

DustBowlBlues September 16, 2009 at 10:15 pm

No time for “my wonkette,” just stopped in to say that 2012 will produce a stat more definitive than anything Nate S. will ever produce. To wit, If Hopey wins, then we have absolute proof that there are more voters who are normal people than there are voters who are batshit crazy.

As you were, losers.

Buttery1000 September 16, 2009 at 10:32 pm

Press “4″ if you’d like Glenn Beck to give you a reacharound.

Jukesgrrl September 16, 2009 at 11:13 pm

[re=412521]chascates[/re]: Yes, yes, and yes.

[re=412523]Kev-O-Tron[/re]: Where you been? I was beginning to think YOU got raptured.

PsycGirl September 17, 2009 at 7:51 am

[re=412440]widget09[/re]: So he’d have to bring together Israelis and Palestinians, Sunnis and Shiites, and most challenging, Democrats and Republicans?
There will be no Rapture if it requires an impossible feat to be accomplished.

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