today on the daily beast

Meghan McCain On Meghan McCain’s Hair And What Meghan McCain’s Hair Really Says About YOU

The hair in questionLast week sometime, Meghan McCain heard that Tyra Banks talked about hair on The Tyra Banks Show. Talking about… hair, Meg thought. Why, I have hair! I can talk about hair, except instead of talking about Tyra Banks or her hair, I can talk about me. Me. My hair. Me, me. Hair. I even publish an international New York Times best-selling children’s magazine called Blog. I could write about Hair, in Blog. This is exactly what happened leading up to Meg’s column today, called “Yes, I Wear Fake Hair.” It answers all questions about everything hair: does Meghan McCain have it? And isn’t it true that some of it is not indigenous to her skull? And what does the fact that Meghan McCain sometimes wears extensions say about all women, everywhere? And more importantly, what does it say about Meg?

The scene: A beautiful YOUNG WOMAN, Meg, is at the BARRY GOLDWATER JR. HIGH SCHOOL DANCE. Zoom-in on BANANA HAIRCLIP in Meg’s HAIR.

“I wanted everyone to know this: Not all the hair attached to my head is real. Yes, I have been wearing different variations of permanent and semi-permanent hair extensions since high school. Even as far back as middle school if you count the banana hairclip with the sliver of hair attached to it I wore to my eighth-grade dance.”

If you went to that dance and are waiting on the outcome of a bet you made about what was beneath said banana hairclip… looks like it is time to PAY UP! Ha! Or COLLECT. Whichever. Anyway, you can stop worrying about it, is the point.

Thirty or so years later, Meghan’s dad handily won America’s contest for President. You see, this is like “politics equivalent” of receiving a handjob behind the folded up cafeteria tables at the Barry Goldwater Jr. High school dance, and Meg is wearing a blond tube of hair attached to her head for the occasion—a banana hairclip of the mind.

“On the night my father accepted his nomination for president, I wore a giant Madonna ponytail extension (circa her Vogue tour)— much to the dismay of some of the campaign advisers, I might add.”

The imminently applicable moral of the fable “I Wore A Giant Madonna Ponytail Extension (Circa Her Vogue Tour)” by Meghan McCain is that no one can make you take off your hair, girls! Even when it is not real and can easily be taken off and doing so really isn’t any sweat off your back and THIS NIGHT ISN’T ABOUT YOU anyway so why not just be a good sport. No one can make you do this.

“Why do I feel the need to share all of this now and expose that I am a frequent user of hair extensions? Because all the young women that follow me should know that it’s OK to look like your real self and it’s OK to get a little extra help when sometimes Mother Nature doesn’t give you everything you want.”

Any questions?

[Yes, I Wear Fake Hair]

Related

About the author

Juli Weiner was Wonkette's beloved intern and books columnist and then morning editor until she was hired away by Vanity Fair in 2010.

View all articles by Juli Weiner

Hola wonkerados.

To improve site performance, we did a thing. It could be up to three minutes before your comment appears. DON'T KEEP RETRYING, OKAY?

Also, if you are a new commenter, your comment may never appear. This is probably because we hate you.

111 comments

  1. V572625694

    Meghan: please get out the dictionary (or open dictionary.com on your Internet browser) and look up “solipsism.” Please do it soon.

  2. Crab1

    If you can’t be smart, be pretty. If you can’t be pretty, spend a bunch of money on shit that covers up the shit that makes you feel ugly.

  3. god.was.stingy

    “It’s OK to get a little extra help when sometimes Mother Nature doesn’t give you everything you want.”
    I’m pretty sure that’s the only remaining platform of the Republican Party.

  4. Tundra Grifter

    And her next column? “Meghan McCain – My Boobs.”

    If Mother Nature didn’t give you everything you want…

    But enough about me. Let’s talk about you. What do you think of me?

  5. Gorillionaire

    They didn’t know that Mary Queen of Scots wore a wig until the executioner chopped her head off. He reached down to pick her head up and triumphantly show it to the crowd, but instead he just pulled off a wig. Oh man, so embarrassing!

  6. Bowdoin

    it is reporte in another blog (Vanity Fair) that the McGoo girl burst in upon a hairstyling session featuring most of the Wasillabillies and demanded to be seen to by Kenneth first and foremost, for wasn’t she the princess of the whole court? And these mere trailer trash cluttering up the space. She huffed off.

    Should’ve taken a clue from Dolly Parton, who, when asked, “How much time does it take to do your hair?” replied, “I have no idea; I’m never there.”

  7. Bowdoin

    [re=412104]V572625694[/re]: All my references are from my youth, and that term is always the “solipsism of johns” portion from Howl.

  8. Jim Demintia

    Meg McCabe, Pride of Drury Lane/ For whom no shepherd sighs in vain/ Returning at the Midnight hour/ Four stories climbing to her bower/ Then seated on a three-legged chair/ Takes off her artificial hair…

  9. norbizness

    I got to the end of the first excruciating paragraph of this post, and I thought it had been wrapped up with the rhetorical question “What does this say about Meghan McCain?” Then I saw the MORE link. I mean, seriously?!?

  10. jeebuscreebus

    wearing fake hair is like taking penis enlargement pills! it doesn’t mean you don’t LOVE yourself!!!!

  11. Better American Than You

    We don’t use the term “merkin” nearly enough, but when I think of Meg’s hair, that the word that comes to mind.

  12. Bowdoin

    [re=412122]Tundra Grifter[/re]: In La Zona Roja in days long gone by, there was a very decisive signal that the festivities were over, similar to the ringing of the bell to end trading on Wall Street. At around two AM, the girls took off their hair.

  13. Come here a minute

    What a revelation — Madonna Hairclipgate cost John McCain the the election. I am surprised she wasn’t fingered in the post-election sniping.

  14. Suds McKenzie

    I DON’T find any of this funny!

    especially “a giant Madonna ponytail extension (circa her Vogue tour)”

    Again NOT FUNNY!1!!

  15. queeraselvis v 2.0

    Meghan’s gotta weave
    Phyllis has a weave
    Cindy’s gotta weave
    J.T.’s gotta weave
    Carol’s fall fell
    Bubba’s gotta big bouffant on
    We all got weaves, so…let’s go!

    /B-52s

  16. SlouchingTowardsWasilla

    What about the hair on her hoo hoo? Has it been waxed off like a porn star, or does she have extensions there too? Inquiring minds want to know.

  17. Smoke Filled Roommate

    [re=412159]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: On the neon, neon side of town.. Thank you–this song will now remain in my head for the rest of the day.

  18. Tundra Grifter

    [re=412155]Bowdoin[/re]: In San Francisco’s Tenderloin, to this day that tradition continues. Those girls standing on the street corners at 1 am? Some of them are, actually, girls…

  19. nbawriter

    I’m thinking Cindy McCain calls this “Wonkett” because she has defiantly ripped off Wonkette’s vowel extension to shame it.

    Now I feel so … ashamed.

  20. Gallowglass

    “You see, this is like “politics equivalent” of receiving a handjob behind the folded up cafeteria tables at the Barry Goldwater Jr. High school dance, and Meg is wearing a blond tube of hair attached to her head for the occasion—a banana hairclip of the mind.”

    That’s beautiful poetry, man.

  21. Dreadful Gate

    I’d hit it. Hard, and twice. You Wonketteers gotta get off Meg McCabe, plucky First Daughter’s case. She’s trying single-handedly to make the GOPee fun again

  22. Carl Spakler

    [re=412173]thegunner[/re]: “Live Meghan Alone”….Is that name taken? Lots of potential for a new amateur streaming video site.

  23. voyetra8

    “it’s OK to look like your real self”

    No, apparently not.

    Instead, you have to bolt on shocks of pastured swayback mane.

  24. Extemporanus

    Take it away, Phife:

    If you can’t achieve it, then why not try and weave it
    If you can’t extend it then you might as well suspend it
    If you can’t braid it, best thing to do is fade it
    I asked who did your hair and you tell me diane made it?

  25. the problem child

    [re=412144]Jim Demintia[/re]: Wonkett is raping Meghan’s locks on the intertubes again, now with help from Swift.

  26. magic titty

    Young women follow her? She certainly has an inflated view of herself. And not just because she’s bloated and gross.

  27. Extemporanus

    [re=412159]queeraselvis v 2.0[/re]: Posdnuos would like to add:

    Look, you don’t have to play fly in here
    I can tell your fly by the weave that you wear!
    But you must be aware that a fly can be swatted by a BK tray
    By the way yo, here’s yours!

  28. Carl Spakler

    [re=412194]thegunner[/re]: Damn, now I’ll have to make my fortune selling Palin/Wilson 2012 t-shirts

  29. pirate of blackwater

    I’ve been wearing pubis extensions for years and now I feel comfortable letting you know this. Thank you Meggles.

  30. user-of-owls

    Any questions?

    “Yes, Ms. McCain, I have a question. Will you be doing a followup piece describing what your non-native hair tells us about the invasive species debate?”

  31. sezme

    Oh Meghan! You’re real pretty, and your fake hair is spectacular. But you’d be truly beautiful with a backwards B carved on your forehead.

  32. dijetlo

    So if we find ourselves straddling Ms McCains nude hindquarters, using her tresses to keep her forehead from beating a dent into the headboard and should those tresses suddenly come out of her head with a tearing sound to dangle limply in our hand, should we stop and attempt to reattach them, get another handful of hair or just beat a dent in the headboard?
    And if this blogpost had any other purpose than to inform our actions should we find ourselves in the previous predicament, what purpose would that be?

  33. user-of-owls

    [re=412211]sezme[/re]: Actually, she’d look better still with a backwards “GOPACORNRRCmte” carved on her cheek.

  34. TGY

    I suppose a columnist just has to let her hair down, sometimes. Right before she jumps up and down on the corpse of journalism.

    not indigenous to her skull
    But then ‘torrid affair’ isn’t entirely off the table.

  35. Junior

    “it’s OK to get a little extra help when sometimes Mother Nature doesn’t give you everything you want.”

    So she had a small ass back then too and didn’t like it?

  36. samsuncle

    Judging by the looks of her plastered down hair I’m thinking a vigorous shampoo would do wonders for her looks. Or, at least an oil change.

  37. user-of-owls

    [re=412212]Jim Demintia[/re]: Good point. Has anyone seen both her hands? How can we be sure one of them isn’t a hook?

  38. shadowMark

    Maureen Dowd’s thread has been out longer than Meghan’s thread. Maureen has gotten 38 comments. Meghan’s thread has gotten 76 comments. Meghan is so animated. I bet Meghan is thinking Fuck you, Maureen! in a very pretty, colorful sort of way.

  39. Chet Kincaid

    Every time Wonkett brings another episode of Meg’s doings to my attention, I reflect on how fucked up it is that Meg is not upholding the McCain Family Tradition of Service by enrolling in the military like her brothers, and instead is wasting everyone’s time writing about the nothing she has achieved thus far in her life. Then I reflect on how fucked up the McCain Family Tradition is: all male McCains must accept a commission and risk getting their asses shot off, while the female McCains apparently have no responsibilities whatsoever. So long as they eventually get married and knocked up, it is perfectly acceptable for McCain women to exist in a state of triviality and irrelevance. With extensions.

  40. Hedley Lamar

    [re=412116]pattycake[/re]: Win for you. On another note, did she stuff her bra back at Goldwater? I think
    this whole thing is false advertising.

  41. bloatedwhitetruck

    Is John Waters considering a cameo for The Megs in an upcoming feature film? Did I hear that somewhere? What with passing of Divine, doesn’t he need another muse?

  42. snideinplainsight

    MoDo would kick MegsMcC’s *$$, and I for one am waiting to see that. If you could get that on HD or DirecTV, I’d pay. Probably a lot.

  43. Lee

    Oh Meghan, I’ve tried giving you up but I’ll just come out and say it: MEGHAN MCCAIN YOU BLOW MY MIND!

    And stop talking about a little extra help Meg, MOTHER NATURE MADE YOU PERFECT!!!!

  44. lawrenceofthedesert

    Do Republicans send their children off to a special school for patronizing? Even the lower-key GOP kids seem to have a terminal case of it. No one could be more egregiously patronizing than the late limpdick toad William F. Buckley, but even this sophomoric level of the behavior ranks right up there with self-pity as the ugliest human activity. Few people are more depressing than a celebrity in search of a purpose.

  45. bloatedwhitetruck

    Meghan’s frank disclosure, allows me to sport my codpiece with dignity. I might just start wearing it on the outside. Go Megs!

  46. Godot

    “…it’s OK to get a little extra help when sometimes Mother Nature doesn’t give you everything you want.”

    What’s she talking about here? Boob job or lipo? Why not a little of both, put that fat where it’ll do some good.

  47. Potater

    [re=412140]Bowdoin[/re]:
    Ah, Miss Dolly: “It takes a lot of money to look this cheap.”

    You could learn a thing or two from her, [i]Meg[/i].

  48. GreatOldOnesParty

    We must now speak of Megz as Yuri otakus refer to Shizuma from the lesbian schoolgirl anime “Strawberry Panic”. You see, teh Shiz iz actually a symbiotic character, the two halfs being: Shizuma and Shizuma’s hair.

    http://www.animeph.com/screen%20Strawberry%20Panic.JPG

    ie. Shizuma and Shizuma’s hair love Nagisa-chan.

    From now on, all referrences to Ms. McCain must include “-and her(Meghan McCain’s) hair.”

  49. Potater

    [re=412530]Potater[/re]: Aaaaand I failed. Excuse me, I’ll just go hide my shame like the southern belle I was raised to be.

  50. Bowdoin

    [re=412530]Potater[/re]: Yes, and everybody forgets Mel Gibson quotes if it’s out of character. Like Dolly, who was shopping a dippy screenplay around to no takers, huffed: “You think all those Jews in Hollywood would accept a nice Christian story?”

    There was a minor uproar, and she did the celebrity two-step, and everybody went into memory lapse.

  51. Darkness

    [re=412145]norbizness[/re]: I’m glad I wasn’t the only one. I got to the More link and thought. God, I understood all that, but kinda wish I hadn’t.

  52. Tundra Grifter

    [re=412241]Snarkalicious[/re]: Thank you! I really liked the parts I could understand. I certainly agree that some people peak in high school. More in college. But to peak in “life” – ah, that is the question!

    But, at what age? Too soon is, well, too soon. And putting it off – well, that could easily be too late.

    Never peak? Always peak? Life is tough to understand…

  53. Jennasaurus Rex

    Oh Megs. Mother Nature may not have given me everything I want, but at least I don’t plaster on extensions like a trollop, you cunt!

Comments are closed.