THE ENEMY IS EVERYWHERE  5:36 pm September 11, 2009

Did Terrorist ‘Filipino Monkey’ Cause Coast Guard 9/11/09 Freakout?!

by Ken Layne

Shock the Monkey.Nearly 20 months to the day of the Filipino Monkey Attacks, a shocking radio-CNN-terrorism incident was or was not committed right here in Washington, on the famous Potomac River, home to several overpriced brunch/graduation restaurants with nautical themes, plus a yacht where Larry Craig used to live and “secretly” fuck men who hated him. WHAT, you do not remember the Filipino Monkey Attacks of January 14, 2008? God, are you even American? Michael Moore’s website is THAT WAY, to the LEFT.

It was in the Persian Gulf, you know, by IRAQ and/or IRAN, the Muslim Hitlers? And, well, some guy was just yelling some insane shit over a maritime radio frequency, and we had some U.S. Navy hovercraft out there or something, and these fucking Iranians (maybe?) were just bugging the shit out of the American Navy Warships by racing around on Jet-Skis or whatever, and yelling stuff on the radio. “Get out of here, nobody likes you much, we don’t appreciate YOUR style, your moves have grown powerfully stale” etc., that kind of thing. You know, exactly what the Filipino Monkey does, day and night, in the Persian Gulf, to drive the Navy batty.

And there was a freakout, and Cheney *almost* got to nuke Iran the way he dreamed of each night, as he “masturbated,” by pushing a 9-volt battery against the thin dry lizard skin stretched over his half-dozen hydraulic pacemakers.

And then, hours after we somehow didn’t have World Wars III & IV, combined, the U.S. Navy was all, “Eh, it was probably just the Filipino Monkey.”

The Filipino Monkey, who could be more than one person, listens to ship-to-ship radio traffic and then interrupts, usually with abusive insults.

Rick Hoffman, a retired captain, told the paper: “For 25 years, there’s been this mythical guy out there who, hour after hour, shouts obscenities and threats. He used to go all night long. The guy is crazy.”

An unnamed civilian mariner told the Navy Times: “They come on and say Filipino Monkey in a strange voice. You’re standing watch on bridge and all of a sudden it comes over the radio. It’s been a joke out there for years.”

Last week, the Iranians and the U.S. issued different video versions of what took place. On the Pentagon’s version, a strange voice, in English, can be heard saying “I am coming to you. You will explode in a few minutes.” The voice sounds different from one heard earlier in the recording and there is no background noise that would usually be picked up from a speedboat radio. In the Iranian version, there is no hint of aggressive behaviour.

The Pentagon said it recorded the film and the sound separately and then edited them together to give a “better idea of what is happening”.

The Pentagon! Such terrible liars and frauds, every day. Anyway, whatever happened between these two Coast Guard boats or whatever, it involved some sort of lunatic radio behavior. The Filipino Monkey is back, and He (It) is here with us now, in America. In Washington.

Will brunch be safe, on Sunday? No. Never.

Never forget.

And now, for fun, some real Filipino Monkey recordings from the Persian Gulf!

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Boojum September 11, 2009 at 5:44 pm

Filipino Monkey meets Alaskan Anger Bear, grudge fuck ensues.

jasper f. krone September 11, 2009 at 5:48 pm

I thought Fillipino Monkeys only bombed MILF lairs .

GreatOldOnesParty September 11, 2009 at 5:48 pm

Want to make any news story more interesting?


hobospacejunkie September 11, 2009 at 5:49 pm

This monkey is cousins with the one that torments the son in Family Guy.

GreatOldOnesParty September 11, 2009 at 5:49 pm

and Ken, for the last time, it’s spelled “NEVAR”

facehead September 11, 2009 at 5:51 pm

Ken, you’re kinda blowing my mind here, which is kinda like oral/mental masturbation with a partner, but w/e.

Is this your theory? That the Monkey did this? And um, was the Monkey really responsible for that Iran thing, or was that a joke? Or both (a paradoxical jokey Iran thing)?

The normal borders between humor and reality have completely broken down for me on this one.

Edywin September 11, 2009 at 5:52 pm

For 25 years, there’s been this mythical guy out there who, hour after hour, shouts obscenities and threats. He used to go all night long. The guy is crazy.”
Monkey see Addison Wilson, monkey do!

Tommmcatt September 11, 2009 at 5:52 pm

I liked stand-around-and-boo guy better.

jagorev September 11, 2009 at 5:53 pm

Didn’t they invent radio direction-finding back in the early 20th-century? Let’s find where this Monkey lives (the Philippines?) and lob a couple of ICBMs at him.

proudgrampa September 11, 2009 at 5:53 pm

Shortwave radio – the aural equivalent of the tons of useless crap on the Internet…

dijetlo September 11, 2009 at 5:59 pm

I remember distinctly being asked if we should get Republicans or Monkeys as our second political party and I’m trying to remember why we picked the Republicans…which one eats their own poo?

Extemporanus September 11, 2009 at 6:00 pm

Did Terrorist ‘Filipino Monkey’ Cause Coast Guard 9/11/09 Freakout?!

I believe that in this instance, the correct term would actually be “Flip Out”.

american mutt September 11, 2009 at 6:00 pm

“Ching Chong Ching Chong Motherfucker. Meow!” I’m printing that on a shirt.

hiphophitler September 11, 2009 at 6:02 pm

That monkey looks suspiciously like Joe Wilson.

bitchincamaro September 11, 2009 at 6:02 pm

What’s the frequency, Ken?

GreatOldOnesParty September 11, 2009 at 6:03 pm

[re=409443]dijetlo[/re]: wait. you’re telling me there’s a difference?

Speed Ball September 11, 2009 at 6:04 pm

“For 25 years, there’s been this mythical guy out there who, hour after hour, shouts obscenities and threats. He used to go all night long. The guy is crazy.”


pedestrian rage September 11, 2009 at 6:07 pm

Have the oil tankers trolling the straights of Hormuz considering deploying the Filipino monkey against Somali pirates? I’m pretty sure a poo-flinging primate would be considered unclean, so advantage: money festooned oil tankers?

mollymcguire September 11, 2009 at 6:09 pm

[re=409449]bitchincamaro[/re]: thank you

slappypaddy September 11, 2009 at 6:09 pm

lissen sheeple, here’s the true truth, and this is the first place its appeared, and it has nothing to do with monkeys. 9/11 (nevar forgit!) was a deeply hidden mormun conspricacy inside a deeply hiddn muslin conspricacy inside a deeply hiddin jewish conspricacy inside a trandparint republicin conspricacy to celebrate the 144th annibersery of the mountain meddows massacer of bill an hillery clintuns ansesstors but they didnt git them all an thats why weere in so much trubble now. 144 is the number of goldem sheeples hiddin under the mountin in salt lick ciddy is why. ITS TRUE SHEEPLES ITS TRUE DONT SAY IT AINT!!!1!!1111! WAKE UP!!11!11!! 91111 NEVAR FERGET!!111111111111111111111111

WadISay September 11, 2009 at 6:11 pm

I would have to call that the stupidest 2:47 I have ever spent.

dijetlo September 11, 2009 at 6:11 pm

One is an unscrupulous pack of corporate whores and the other eats their own poo but damn if I can remember which is which.

Ken Layne September 11, 2009 at 6:12 pm

[re=409434]facehead[/re]: The Filipino Monkey really was (probably) the source of the Strait of Hormuz incident in January 2009. It’s not one person, it’s just a marine radio prank that apparently goes on all the time — and of course there are theories that it’s some kind of propaganda, that Iran or whatever is working shifts of nuts who speak weird English and yell threats and nonsense at the tankers and warships and fishing ships, etc.

And that’s where the “truth” of this post ends. The rest is just some pointless speculation aimed at making you all feel BAD about forgetting the Filipino Monkey. How could you forget?

AddHomonym September 11, 2009 at 6:18 pm

Let’s get this weekend started right: I’m 6′ 1″ 210 lbs and I challenge that monkey to send me his address!

SayItWithWookies September 11, 2009 at 6:25 pm

Sorry, I can’t listen to that recording — I’m saving up all my incoherent blithering anti-American hate-rant time in case I feel like catching Glenn Beck’s speech tomorrow.

user-of-owls September 11, 2009 at 6:25 pm

[re=409481]AddHomonym[/re]: Oh, no good can come of this.

user-of-owls September 11, 2009 at 6:26 pm

Lancelot “Ninoy” Link

Brendan M. September 11, 2009 at 6:30 pm

[re=409445]Extemporanus[/re]: So, the Filipino Monkey caused CNN and everyone to go bananas? (that should be the obvious term of art, dude)

user-of-owls September 11, 2009 at 6:41 pm

Anyone else find this whole concept just meta-hilarious? I mean, since roughly the time when Reagan was president, alive, and possibly sentient, someone has been engaged in one of the most surreal hobbies of all time. Think about it. If the Monkey started this game when he was 20, he’d be 45 today. And if you think that’s loopy, imagine the alternative scenario in which there’s some sort of Filipino Skull and Monkey Bones Society out there. Wow, just wow.

Lascauxcaveman September 11, 2009 at 6:47 pm

Today, we are all Filipino monkeys.

Or maybe Ham radio geeks w/tourettes. (Actually, that’s us on pretty much any given day.)

Extemporanus September 11, 2009 at 6:54 pm

[re=409494]Brendan M.[/re]: “Flip” is to “Filipino” as “spic” is to “Hispanic”.

A less obvious term of art than “bananas”, but one I find much more “appealing”.

Extemporanus September 11, 2009 at 7:03 pm

[re=409491]user-of-owls[/re]: YES! It’s the “Great Water Robbery”!

By the way, I didn’t know Lance was a chimpinoyzee. What about Mata Hairi?

Death Panel Wagon September 11, 2009 at 7:06 pm

Wait. What does this have to do with Michele Malkin? Poo flinging?

BlueStateLibtard September 11, 2009 at 7:11 pm

Well, Peggy Noonan has been pretty quiet lately, hasn’t she? And she does tend to overdo the Martinis and get riled up and shout weird things, doesn’t she? Just saying.

nbawriter September 11, 2009 at 7:27 pm

Is this a “Snakes on a Plane” sequel?

benj-thewrathofgod September 11, 2009 at 8:01 pm

Why the fuck does CNN not give the Filipino Monkey a show?

Johnny Zhivago September 11, 2009 at 8:31 pm

[re=409548]benj-thewrathofgod[/re]: Just checked:

10pm Anderson Cooper 360 Degrees. Tonight: Bizarre 9/11 Conspiracy Theories that should never see the light of day – we present them in depth.

11pm The Filipino Monkey Show. Tonight: Coldplay drummer Will Champion, Commedian Mario Bassil – The Howie Mandel of Lebanon and the Monkey himself on how to pick that next SSB Radio rig.

BlueStateLibtard September 11, 2009 at 8:33 pm

[re=409459]slappypaddy[/re]: [re=409459]slappypaddy[/re]: Yes, and if you take it further back, you can trace it directly back to the Whiskey Rebellion of 1794. Indeed, the Whiskey Rebellion was the first “prototype” of the modern-day Town Hall Meeting. At that time, President Washington sought to pay off the National Debt by taxing whiskey. The very first “teabaggers” protested by tarring and feathering the tax collectors, not seeming to understand that it actually required “money” to pay for things like wars against Britain. Washington responded by brutally putting down the teabagging rebels; I only wish our own modern-day president would do the same.

Neoyorquino September 11, 2009 at 8:43 pm

Someone needs to spank that monkey. For terrorism.

salt_bagel September 11, 2009 at 8:51 pm

In 2008 Persian Gulf, monkey shocks you!

S.Luggo September 11, 2009 at 8:52 pm

Never knew that Paul Wolfowitz knew how to send ship-to-ship. The man and the legend merge.,0.jpg

S.Luggo September 11, 2009 at 8:57 pm

[re=409564]Neoyorquino[/re]: Mike Duvall is available, so long as you mean in the metaphorical sense.

Athar September 11, 2009 at 9:31 pm

[re=409443]dijetlo[/re]: Republicans eat their own young, so it must be the monkeys who chow down on their own poo.

Lil' Kim Jong-Il September 11, 2009 at 10:28 pm

Coincidentally the Muslim Hitlers, the Filipino Monkeys, and IRAQ/IRAN are all playing tonight at this bar in Chicago.

dogscantlookup September 11, 2009 at 10:38 pm

stupid monkey

dogscantlookup September 11, 2009 at 10:53 pm

this is better than u.s. radio, much more entertaining

S.Luggo September 11, 2009 at 11:00 pm

[re=409451]Speed Ball[/re]:
Thanks for the Limbaugh Blingee. But sometimes a beer bottle at the lips is just a beer bottle. Sometimes it’s an adolescent primate’s red, engorged penis. Shit. It’s all a matter of interpretation.
— Herbert Marcuse

dogscantlookup September 11, 2009 at 11:02 pm

the Filipino Monkey is way scarier than the jackal oh my god you guys!

bakeneko September 11, 2009 at 11:18 pm

[re=409519]Death Panel Wagon[/re]: A much friendlier face than Malkin’s: note the lack of fangs.
Hotter too, I think.

McDuff September 12, 2009 at 11:55 am

With all the tea baggers in town today, can we get the Filipino Monkey to mess with them?

TGY September 13, 2009 at 12:00 pm

We need to train our own monkeys to retaliate, obvs. Possibly in a radio poo-flinging war.

MARCdMan September 14, 2009 at 9:24 am

Why does the Filipino Monkey sound like the Asbury Park Guido?

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