Shock the Monkey.Nearly 20 months to the day of the Filipino Monkey Attacks, a shocking radio-CNN-terrorism incident was or was not committed right here in Washington, on the famous Potomac River, home to several overpriced brunch/graduation restaurants with nautical themes, plus a yacht where Larry Craig used to live and “secretly” fuck men who hated him. WHAT, you do not remember the Filipino Monkey Attacks of January 14, 2008? God, are you even American? Michael Moore’s website is THAT WAY, to the LEFT.

It was in the Persian Gulf, you know, by IRAQ and/or IRAN, the Muslim Hitlers? And, well, some guy was just yelling some insane shit over a maritime radio frequency, and we had some U.S. Navy hovercraft out there or something, and these fucking Iranians (maybe?) were just bugging the shit out of the American Navy Warships by racing around on Jet-Skis or whatever, and yelling stuff on the radio. “Get out of here, nobody likes you much, we don’t appreciate YOUR style, your moves have grown powerfully stale” etc., that kind of thing. You know, exactly what the Filipino Monkey does, day and night, in the Persian Gulf, to drive the Navy batty.

And there was a freakout, and Cheney *almost* got to nuke Iran the way he dreamed of each night, as he “masturbated,” by pushing a 9-volt battery against the thin dry lizard skin stretched over his half-dozen hydraulic pacemakers.

And then, hours after we somehow didn’t have World Wars III & IV, combined, the U.S. Navy was all, “Eh, it was probably just the Filipino Monkey.”

The Filipino Monkey, who could be more than one person, listens to ship-to-ship radio traffic and then interrupts, usually with abusive insults.

Rick Hoffman, a retired captain, told the paper: “For 25 years, there’s been this mythical guy out there who, hour after hour, shouts obscenities and threats. He used to go all night long. The guy is crazy.”

An unnamed civilian mariner told the Navy Times: “They come on and say Filipino Monkey in a strange voice. You’re standing watch on bridge and all of a sudden it comes over the radio. It’s been a joke out there for years.”

Last week, the Iranians and the U.S. issued different video versions of what took place. On the Pentagon’s version, a strange voice, in English, can be heard saying “I am coming to you. You will explode in a few minutes.” The voice sounds different from one heard earlier in the recording and there is no background noise that would usually be picked up from a speedboat radio. In the Iranian version, there is no hint of aggressive behaviour.

The Pentagon said it recorded the film and the sound separately and then edited them together to give a “better idea of what is happening”.

The Pentagon! Such terrible liars and frauds, every day. Anyway, whatever happened between these two Coast Guard boats or whatever, it involved some sort of lunatic radio behavior. The Filipino Monkey is back, and He (It) is here with us now, in America. In Washington.

Will brunch be safe, on Sunday? No. Never.

Never forget.

And now, for fun, some real Filipino Monkey recordings from the Persian Gulf!

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  1. Ken, you’re kinda blowing my mind here, which is kinda like oral/mental masturbation with a partner, but w/e.

    Is this your theory? That the Monkey did this? And um, was the Monkey really responsible for that Iran thing, or was that a joke? Or both (a paradoxical jokey Iran thing)?

    The normal borders between humor and reality have completely broken down for me on this one.

  2. For 25 years, there’s been this mythical guy out there who, hour after hour, shouts obscenities and threats. He used to go all night long. The guy is crazy.”
    Monkey see Addison Wilson, monkey do!

  3. Didn’t they invent radio direction-finding back in the early 20th-century? Let’s find where this Monkey lives (the Philippines?) and lob a couple of ICBMs at him.

  4. [re=409429]GreatOldOnesParty[/re]:
    I remember distinctly being asked if we should get Republicans or Monkeys as our second political party and I’m trying to remember why we picked the Republicans…which one eats their own poo?

  5. Did Terrorist ‘Filipino Monkey’ Cause Coast Guard 9/11/09 Freakout?!

    I believe that in this instance, the correct term would actually be “Flip Out”.

  6. Have the oil tankers trolling the straights of Hormuz considering deploying the Filipino monkey against Somali pirates? I’m pretty sure a poo-flinging primate would be considered unclean, so advantage: money festooned oil tankers?

  7. lissen sheeple, here’s the true truth, and this is the first place its appeared, and it has nothing to do with monkeys. 9/11 (nevar forgit!) was a deeply hidden mormun conspricacy inside a deeply hiddn muslin conspricacy inside a deeply hiddin jewish conspricacy inside a trandparint republicin conspricacy to celebrate the 144th annibersery of the mountain meddows massacer of bill an hillery clintuns ansesstors but they didnt git them all an thats why weere in so much trubble now. 144 is the number of goldem sheeples hiddin under the mountin in salt lick ciddy is why. ITS TRUE SHEEPLES ITS TRUE DONT SAY IT AINT!!!1!!1111! WAKE UP!!11!11!! 91111 NEVAR FERGET!!111111111111111111111111

  8. [re=409450]GreatOldOnesParty[/re]:
    One is an unscrupulous pack of corporate whores and the other eats their own poo but damn if I can remember which is which.

  9. [re=409434]facehead[/re]: The Filipino Monkey really was (probably) the source of the Strait of Hormuz incident in January 2009. It’s not one person, it’s just a marine radio prank that apparently goes on all the time — and of course there are theories that it’s some kind of propaganda, that Iran or whatever is working shifts of nuts who speak weird English and yell threats and nonsense at the tankers and warships and fishing ships, etc.

    And that’s where the “truth” of this post ends. The rest is just some pointless speculation aimed at making you all feel BAD about forgetting the Filipino Monkey. How could you forget?

  10. Sorry, I can’t listen to that recording — I’m saving up all my incoherent blithering anti-American hate-rant time in case I feel like catching Glenn Beck’s speech tomorrow.

  11. Anyone else find this whole concept just meta-hilarious? I mean, since roughly the time when Reagan was president, alive, and possibly sentient, someone has been engaged in one of the most surreal hobbies of all time. Think about it. If the Monkey started this game when he was 20, he’d be 45 today. And if you think that’s loopy, imagine the alternative scenario in which there’s some sort of Filipino Skull and Monkey Bones Society out there. Wow, just wow.

  12. [re=409494]Brendan M.[/re]: “Flip” is to “Filipino” as “spic” is to “Hispanic”.

    A less obvious term of art than “bananas”, but one I find much more “appealing”.

  13. Well, Peggy Noonan has been pretty quiet lately, hasn’t she? And she does tend to overdo the Martinis and get riled up and shout weird things, doesn’t she? Just saying.

  14. [re=409548]benj-thewrathofgod[/re]: Just checked:

    10pm Anderson Cooper 360 Degrees. Tonight: Bizarre 9/11 Conspiracy Theories that should never see the light of day – we present them in depth.

    11pm The Filipino Monkey Show. Tonight: Coldplay drummer Will Champion, Commedian Mario Bassil – The Howie Mandel of Lebanon and the Monkey himself on how to pick that next SSB Radio rig.

  15. [re=409459]slappypaddy[/re]: [re=409459]slappypaddy[/re]: Yes, and if you take it further back, you can trace it directly back to the Whiskey Rebellion of 1794. Indeed, the Whiskey Rebellion was the first “prototype” of the modern-day Town Hall Meeting. At that time, President Washington sought to pay off the National Debt by taxing whiskey. The very first “teabaggers” protested by tarring and feathering the tax collectors, not seeming to understand that it actually required “money” to pay for things like wars against Britain. Washington responded by brutally putting down the teabagging rebels; I only wish our own modern-day president would do the same.

  16. [re=409451]Speed Ball[/re]:
    Thanks for the Limbaugh Blingee. But sometimes a beer bottle at the lips is just a beer bottle. Sometimes it’s an adolescent primate’s red, engorged penis. Shit. It’s all a matter of interpretation.
    — Herbert Marcuse

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