the enemy is everywhere

Did Terrorist ‘Filipino Monkey’ Cause Coast Guard 9/11/09 Freakout?!

Shock the Monkey.Nearly 20 months to the day of the Filipino Monkey Attacks, a shocking radio-CNN-terrorism incident was or was not committed right here in Washington, on the famous Potomac River, home to several overpriced brunch/graduation restaurants with nautical themes, plus a yacht where Larry Craig used to live and “secretly” fuck men who hated him. WHAT, you do not remember the Filipino Monkey Attacks of January 14, 2008? God, are you even American? Michael Moore’s website is THAT WAY, to the LEFT.

It was in the Persian Gulf, you know, by IRAQ and/or IRAN, the Muslim Hitlers? And, well, some guy was just yelling some insane shit over a maritime radio frequency, and we had some U.S. Navy hovercraft out there or something, and these fucking Iranians (maybe?) were just bugging the shit out of the American Navy Warships by racing around on Jet-Skis or whatever, and yelling stuff on the radio. “Get out of here, nobody likes you much, we don’t appreciate YOUR style, your moves have grown powerfully stale” etc., that kind of thing. You know, exactly what the Filipino Monkey does, day and night, in the Persian Gulf, to drive the Navy batty.

And there was a freakout, and Cheney *almost* got to nuke Iran the way he dreamed of each night, as he “masturbated,” by pushing a 9-volt battery against the thin dry lizard skin stretched over his half-dozen hydraulic pacemakers.

And then, hours after we somehow didn’t have World Wars III & IV, combined, the U.S. Navy was all, “Eh, it was probably just the Filipino Monkey.”

The Filipino Monkey, who could be more than one person, listens to ship-to-ship radio traffic and then interrupts, usually with abusive insults.

Rick Hoffman, a retired captain, told the paper: “For 25 years, there’s been this mythical guy out there who, hour after hour, shouts obscenities and threats. He used to go all night long. The guy is crazy.”

An unnamed civilian mariner told the Navy Times: “They come on and say Filipino Monkey in a strange voice. You’re standing watch on bridge and all of a sudden it comes over the radio. It’s been a joke out there for years.”

Last week, the Iranians and the U.S. issued different video versions of what took place. On the Pentagon’s version, a strange voice, in English, can be heard saying “I am coming to you. You will explode in a few minutes.” The voice sounds different from one heard earlier in the recording and there is no background noise that would usually be picked up from a speedboat radio. In the Iranian version, there is no hint of aggressive behaviour.

The Pentagon said it recorded the film and the sound separately and then edited them together to give a “better idea of what is happening”.

The Pentagon! Such terrible liars and frauds, every day. Anyway, whatever happened between these two Coast Guard boats or whatever, it involved some sort of lunatic radio behavior. The Filipino Monkey is back, and He (It) is here with us now, in America. In Washington.

Will brunch be safe, on Sunday? No. Never.

Never forget.

And now, for fun, some real Filipino Monkey recordings from the Persian Gulf!

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

Comments

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  • Boojum

    Filipino Monkey meets Alaskan Anger Bear, grudge fuck ensues.

  • jasper f. krone

    I thought Fillipino Monkeys only bombed MILF lairs .

  • GreatOldOnesParty

    Want to make any news story more interesting?

    PUT A MONKEY IN IT!

  • hobospacejunkie

    This monkey is cousins with the one that torments the son in Family Guy.

  • GreatOldOnesParty

    and Ken, for the last time, it’s spelled “NEVAR”

  • facehead

    Ken, you’re kinda blowing my mind here, which is kinda like oral/mental masturbation with a partner, but w/e.

    Is this your theory? That the Monkey did this? And um, was the Monkey really responsible for that Iran thing, or was that a joke? Or both (a paradoxical jokey Iran thing)?

    The normal borders between humor and reality have completely broken down for me on this one.

  • Edywin

    For 25 years, there’s been this mythical guy out there who, hour after hour, shouts obscenities and threats. He used to go all night long. The guy is crazy.”
    Monkey see Addison Wilson, monkey do!

  • Tommmcatt

    I liked stand-around-and-boo guy better.

  • jagorev

    Didn’t they invent radio direction-finding back in the early 20th-century? Let’s find where this Monkey lives (the Philippines?) and lob a couple of ICBMs at him.

  • proudgrampa

    Shortwave radio – the aural equivalent of the tons of useless crap on the Internet…

  • dijetlo

    [re=409429]GreatOldOnesParty[/re]:
    I remember distinctly being asked if we should get Republicans or Monkeys as our second political party and I’m trying to remember why we picked the Republicans…which one eats their own poo?

  • Extemporanus

    Did Terrorist ‘Filipino Monkey’ Cause Coast Guard 9/11/09 Freakout?!

    I believe that in this instance, the correct term would actually be “Flip Out”.

  • american mutt

    “Ching Chong Ching Chong Motherfucker. Meow!” I’m printing that on a shirt.

  • hiphophitler

    That monkey looks suspiciously like Joe Wilson.

  • bitchincamaro

    What’s the frequency, Ken?

  • GreatOldOnesParty

    [re=409443]dijetlo[/re]: wait. you’re telling me there’s a difference?

  • Speed Ball

    “For 25 years, there’s been this mythical guy out there who, hour after hour, shouts obscenities and threats. He used to go all night long. The guy is crazy.”

    LET’S PULL OFF THE MONKEY MASK AND FIGURE OUT WHO THE REAL CULPRIT IS.

    http://blingee.com/blingee/get_codes/98780832-Rush-Monkey

  • pedestrian rage

    Have the oil tankers trolling the straights of Hormuz considering deploying the Filipino monkey against Somali pirates? I’m pretty sure a poo-flinging primate would be considered unclean, so advantage: money festooned oil tankers?

  • mollymcguire

    [re=409449]bitchincamaro[/re]: thank you

  • slappypaddy

    lissen sheeple, here’s the true truth, and this is the first place its appeared, and it has nothing to do with monkeys. 9/11 (nevar forgit!) was a deeply hidden mormun conspricacy inside a deeply hiddn muslin conspricacy inside a deeply hiddin jewish conspricacy inside a trandparint republicin conspricacy to celebrate the 144th annibersery of the mountain meddows massacer of bill an hillery clintuns ansesstors but they didnt git them all an thats why weere in so much trubble now. 144 is the number of goldem sheeples hiddin under the mountin in salt lick ciddy is why. ITS TRUE SHEEPLES ITS TRUE DONT SAY IT AINT!!!1!!1111! WAKE UP!!11!11!! 91111 NEVAR FERGET!!111111111111111111111111

  • WadISay

    I would have to call that the stupidest 2:47 I have ever spent.

  • dijetlo

    [re=409450]GreatOldOnesParty[/re]:
    One is an unscrupulous pack of corporate whores and the other eats their own poo but damn if I can remember which is which.

  • Ken Layne

    [re=409434]facehead[/re]: The Filipino Monkey really was (probably) the source of the Strait of Hormuz incident in January 2009. It’s not one person, it’s just a marine radio prank that apparently goes on all the time — and of course there are theories that it’s some kind of propaganda, that Iran or whatever is working shifts of nuts who speak weird English and yell threats and nonsense at the tankers and warships and fishing ships, etc.

    And that’s where the “truth” of this post ends. The rest is just some pointless speculation aimed at making you all feel BAD about forgetting the Filipino Monkey. How could you forget?

  • AddHomonym

    Let’s get this weekend started right: I’m 6′ 1″ 210 lbs and I challenge that monkey to send me his address!

  • SayItWithWookies

    Sorry, I can’t listen to that recording — I’m saving up all my incoherent blithering anti-American hate-rant time in case I feel like catching Glenn Beck’s speech tomorrow.

  • user-of-owls

    [re=409481]AddHomonym[/re]: Oh, no good can come of this.

  • user-of-owls

    Lancelot “Ninoy” Link

  • Brendan M.

    [re=409445]Extemporanus[/re]: So, the Filipino Monkey caused CNN and everyone to go bananas? (that should be the obvious term of art, dude)

  • user-of-owls

    Anyone else find this whole concept just meta-hilarious? I mean, since roughly the time when Reagan was president, alive, and possibly sentient, someone has been engaged in one of the most surreal hobbies of all time. Think about it. If the Monkey started this game when he was 20, he’d be 45 today. And if you think that’s loopy, imagine the alternative scenario in which there’s some sort of Filipino Skull and Monkey Bones Society out there. Wow, just wow.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    Today, we are all Filipino monkeys.

    Or maybe Ham radio geeks w/tourettes. (Actually, that’s us on pretty much any given day.)

  • Extemporanus

    [re=409494]Brendan M.[/re]: “Flip” is to “Filipino” as “spic” is to “Hispanic”.

    A less obvious term of art than “bananas”, but one I find much more “appealing”.

  • Extemporanus

    [re=409491]user-of-owls[/re]: YES! It’s the “Great Water Robbery”!

    By the way, I didn’t know Lance was a chimpinoyzee. What about Mata Hairi?

  • Death Panel Wagon

    Wait. What does this have to do with Michele Malkin? Poo flinging?

  • BlueStateLibtard

    Well, Peggy Noonan has been pretty quiet lately, hasn’t she? And she does tend to overdo the Martinis and get riled up and shout weird things, doesn’t she? Just saying.

  • nbawriter

    Is this a “Snakes on a Plane” sequel?

  • benj-thewrathofgod

    Why the fuck does CNN not give the Filipino Monkey a show?

  • Johnny Zhivago

    [re=409548]benj-thewrathofgod[/re]: Just checked:

    10pm Anderson Cooper 360 Degrees. Tonight: Bizarre 9/11 Conspiracy Theories that should never see the light of day – we present them in depth.

    11pm The Filipino Monkey Show. Tonight: Coldplay drummer Will Champion, Commedian Mario Bassil – The Howie Mandel of Lebanon and the Monkey himself on how to pick that next SSB Radio rig.

  • BlueStateLibtard

    [re=409459]slappypaddy[/re]: [re=409459]slappypaddy[/re]: Yes, and if you take it further back, you can trace it directly back to the Whiskey Rebellion of 1794. Indeed, the Whiskey Rebellion was the first “prototype” of the modern-day Town Hall Meeting. At that time, President Washington sought to pay off the National Debt by taxing whiskey. The very first “teabaggers” protested by tarring and feathering the tax collectors, not seeming to understand that it actually required “money” to pay for things like wars against Britain. Washington responded by brutally putting down the teabagging rebels; I only wish our own modern-day president would do the same.

  • Neoyorquino

    Someone needs to spank that monkey. For terrorism.

  • salt_bagel

    In 2008 Persian Gulf, monkey shocks you!

  • S.Luggo

    Never knew that Paul Wolfowitz knew how to send ship-to-ship. The man and the legend merge.
    http://www.whale.to/b/paulwolfowitz_wideweb__470x341,0.jpg

    http://blogs.guardian.co.uk/news/archives/wolfie.jpg

  • S.Luggo

    [re=409564]Neoyorquino[/re]: Mike Duvall is available, so long as you mean in the metaphorical sense.

  • Athar

    [re=409443]dijetlo[/re]: Republicans eat their own young, so it must be the monkeys who chow down on their own poo.

  • Lil’ Kim Jong-Il

    Coincidentally the Muslim Hitlers, the Filipino Monkeys, and IRAQ/IRAN are all playing tonight at this bar in Chicago.

  • dogscantlookup

    stupid monkey

  • dogscantlookup

    this is better than u.s. radio, much more entertaining

  • S.Luggo

    [re=409451]Speed Ball[/re]:
    Thanks for the Limbaugh Blingee. But sometimes a beer bottle at the lips is just a beer bottle. Sometimes it’s an adolescent primate’s red, engorged penis. Shit. It’s all a matter of interpretation.
    — Herbert Marcuse

  • dogscantlookup

    the Filipino Monkey is way scarier than the jackal oh my god you guys!

  • bakeneko

    [re=409519]Death Panel Wagon[/re]: A much friendlier face than Malkin’s: note the lack of fangs.
    Hotter too, I think.

  • McDuff

    With all the tea baggers in town today, can we get the Filipino Monkey to mess with them?

  • TGY

    We need to train our own monkeys to retaliate, obvs. Possibly in a radio poo-flinging war.

  • MARCdMan

    Why does the Filipino Monkey sound like the Asbury Park Guido?