Nearly 20 months to the day of the Filipino Monkey Attacks, a shocking radio-CNN-terrorism incident was or was not committed right here in Washington, on the famous Potomac River, home to several overpriced brunch/graduation restaurants with nautical themes, plus a yacht where Larry Craig used to live and “secretly” fuck men who hated him. WHAT, you do not remember the Filipino Monkey Attacks of January 14, 2008? God, are you even American? Michael Moore’s website is THAT WAY, to the LEFT.
It was in the Persian Gulf, you know, by IRAQ and/or IRAN, the Muslim Hitlers? And, well, some guy was just yelling some insane shit over a maritime radio frequency, and we had some U.S. Navy hovercraft out there or something, and these fucking Iranians (maybe?) were just bugging the shit out of the American Navy Warships by racing around on Jet-Skis or whatever, and yelling stuff on the radio. “Get out of here, nobody likes you much, we don’t appreciate YOUR style, your moves have grown powerfully stale” etc., that kind of thing. You know, exactly what the Filipino Monkey does, day and night, in the Persian Gulf, to drive the Navy batty.
And there was a freakout, and Cheney *almost* got to nuke Iran the way he dreamed of each night, as he “masturbated,” by pushing a 9-volt battery against the thin dry lizard skin stretched over his half-dozen hydraulic pacemakers.
And then, hours after we somehow didn’t have World Wars III & IV, combined, the U.S. Navy was all, “Eh, it was probably just the Filipino Monkey.”
The Filipino Monkey, who could be more than one person, listens to ship-to-ship radio traffic and then interrupts, usually with abusive insults.
Rick Hoffman, a retired captain, told the paper: “For 25 years, there’s been this mythical guy out there who, hour after hour, shouts obscenities and threats. He used to go all night long. The guy is crazy.”
An unnamed civilian mariner told the Navy Times: “They come on and say Filipino Monkey in a strange voice. You’re standing watch on bridge and all of a sudden it comes over the radio. It’s been a joke out there for years.”
Last week, the Iranians and the U.S. issued different video versions of what took place. On the Pentagon’s version, a strange voice, in English, can be heard saying “I am coming to you. You will explode in a few minutes.” The voice sounds different from one heard earlier in the recording and there is no background noise that would usually be picked up from a speedboat radio. In the Iranian version, there is no hint of aggressive behaviour.
The Pentagon said it recorded the film and the sound separately and then edited them together to give a “better idea of what is happening”.
The Pentagon! Such terrible liars and frauds, every day. Anyway, whatever happened between these two Coast Guard boats or whatever, it involved some sort of lunatic radio behavior. The Filipino Monkey is back, and He (It) is here with us now, in America. In Washington.
Will brunch be safe, on Sunday? No. Never.
And now, for fun, some real Filipino Monkey recordings from the Persian Gulf!