respecting the rule of law

Friendly D.A. Saves Andrew Sullivan From Life Sentence In Gitmo, For Smoking Marijuana

And what would a 9/11 anniversary be without mentioning celebrated British gay Catholic conservative liberal American male white adult pundit Andrew Sullivan! But this story has nothing to do with his particular archive of 2001 to 2003 insanity. It is about marijuana. He was caught smoking the marijuana by a Forest Ranger in Provincetown, Massachusetts this summer! Even though pot possession has been decriminalized in that state, silly Andrew was caught in a National Park, with its superseding laws, so that was kind of a terrible idea, to smoke drugs there.

And while the charge was only a misdemeanor carrying a small fine, the federal prosecutor’s office sought to drop the case altogether. See, poor Sully has been trying to establish citizenship in this country for like decades, but he has the HIV, which is Un-American. It looks like the current liberal president, however, plans to finally repeal (or has already repealed?) this stupid Jesse-Helms-authored HIV travel/immigration ban, and Sullivan sees an opportunity to finally gain citizenship in this wretched crumbling nation of monsters. But one possession misdemeanor in a gay island’s park during the summer WOULD RUIN EVERYTHING.

And so that’s what’s up with Andrew Sullivan, the end.

Judge angered by special treatment for Andrew Sullivan [Massachusetts Lawyers' Weekly]

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About the author

Jim Newell is Wonkette's beloved Capitol Hill Typing Demon. He joined Wonkette.com in 2007, left for some other dumb job in 2010, and proudly returned in 2012 as our "Senior Editor at Large." He lives in Washington and also writes for things such as The Guardian, the Manchester paper of liberals.

View all articles by Jim Newell

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69 comments

  1. V572625694

    “celebrated British gay Catholic conservative liberal American male white adult pundit…”

    You forgot bare-backer. Nevar forget!

  2. user-of-owls

    Geez, I really don’t want to read his “How I Spent My Summer Vacation” report. Nothing but pall, poop and paddy-wagons.

  3. AnnieGetYourFun

    Why the fuck does he want to be an American citizen when he is already a British one? I’ll trade him, iffen he wants.

  4. gurukalehuru

    There is no better place to smoke it or, for that matter, to grow it, than in the pristine beauty of one of America’s fine National Forests.

  5. Brendan M.

    [re=409136]V572625694[/re]: Really? I mean, cripple jokes about Krauthammer, okay, but Sully has mostly made amends…

  6. Min

    British gay Catholic conservative liberal American male white adult pundit Andrew Sullivan!

    You forgot dumbass, because really. It should be in there.

  7. shortsshortsshorts

    If any of you have ever dealt with a National Park Ranger in the past— you would probably encourage the Court to pay Sullivan. There is no such thing as a ranger with a map anymore. These days they carry handcuffs, a gun, and probably a case of steroids in the trunk.

  8. S.Luggo

    I’m with Judgie on this one. Suck on it, Andrew.

    And why do the Dems always try to pander to the illegals?. First it was free welfare money, next free health care and complimentary back rubs, and now “Get Out of Dope Bust Free” cards. Where will it end?

  9. Better American Than You

    And Andrew Sullivan drug orgy will be featured on one of those shiny new National Park quarters?

    I’d become a numismatist just to see that one.

  10. One Yield Regular

    [re=409165]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: I LOVE national park rangers. Every time some tea-bagger starts railing about evil gubmint I just want to teleport them to the nearest national park – where, naturally, they should be promptly handcuffed at gunpoint by a ranger on steroids.

  11. Tommmcatt

    [re=409173]SomeNYGuy[/re]:

    Lemmie tell you something. “Power”=”Pushy”. You’ll never forget a pushy bottom either. Trust me, I’ve lived with one for years.

  12. trondant

    I thought gay men had other priorities when it comes to finding things to suck on in a park.

    I learn something new every day, I guess.

  13. Joshua Norton

    Smoking the marijuana in Provincial Town? The horror!!! That’s just wrong in so many ways. Mainly because it takes time away from all the ‘ludes, poppers and slamming back the old vodka and cranberry juice.

    I’d be more worried about the people who AREN’T f’d up. They’re obviously the troublemakers.

  14. SayItWithWookies

    [re=409182]Capitol Hillbilly[/re]: Really — Lou Dobbs should be all over this too. Non-citizen gets preferential weed treatment over natural-born Americans!

  15. AbstinenceOnly Ed

    Save Andrew from that poncho. Or is that a hairshirt comprised of his ex-lovers’ pubes? You never can tell with these wacky British gay Catholic conservative liberal American male white adult pundit potheads.

  16. hiphophitler

    I believe you have to be gay to go to Provincetown, which means that the officer who arrested him must have been a wide-stancer too. Surely there was SOME other way our Andy could have settled this little unpleasantness without all the messy courtroom proceedings.

  17. Consider: These Pants

    Andrew clearly doesn’t realize the horrifying side effects of the plant, as evidenced by his circa-1994 Gap-via-faux Native American grandmother “sweatgarment” constructed entirely from 70′s carpet*.

    *Though to be fair, the guy in the parking lot at Widespread said it was hemp.

  18. McDuff

    “He was caught smoking the marijuana by a Forest Ranger …”

    Ok, one more time, Cape Cod National Seashore is a National Park Service property, policed by PARK rangers. Forest rangers work for the U.S. Forest Service and patrol National Forests.

    As a former PARK ranger, I very humbly request that we please try to keep our Federal jackbooted thugs straight (so to speak).

  19. the problem child

    I have never, ever heard of a judge objecting to a prosecutor exercising his or her discretion in which indictments/ informations to pursue or drop, let alone writing an opinion on it. That is just bizarre and kind of a creepy way to ensure Sullivan’s would get written about.

  20. qaf

    [re=409136]V572625694[/re]: That would be HIV-positive anonymous promiscuous barebacker and would-be moral exemplar…

  21. Snidely

    All this sex and drugs in public places! I knew private property rights would die in Obama’s Socialist Regime.

  22. Extemporanus

    Anyone who’s already received a life sentence for smoking the pole should be allowed to smoke the marijuana to their hearts’ content.

  23. Prommie

    [re=409252]the problem child[/re]: Au contraire, a prosecutor does not have the power to dismiss a case, he or she can only ask the judge to do so. And in our courts, the judges scrutinize such requests, at minimum to ensure there is no hankus pankus or cahootsing involved (judges are very much against the occurrence of a “fix” being “in.”).

  24. Dangerous

    I like AS and smoking weed is OK with me (see: Family Guy), although I don’t do so myself.

    Legally, he dodged a bullet. Although I think he should have fought the charges on Constitutional grounds. It seems to me that a potent case could be made that the Constitution protect our right to change our minds, including our state of mind. If we choose to use substances to achieve that result, without directly or negligently hurting others, the Constitution protects those activities, too.

    I’d say that the 18th and 21st Amendments (Prohibition and its repeal) affirm that legal position. Someone with his resources and platform could push that argument.

    In fact, if you happen to read these comments, Andrew, that would make a great novel of how drugs became universally legal. Maybe I’ll write that one next. (AS-You know what I’m talking about.)

  25. imissopus

    If we give him preferential treatment for smoking dope, what’s next? He’ll be demanding the right to marry another man or something? We have to draw a line in the sand somewhere, people!

  26. the problem child

    [re=409313]Prommie[/re]: Hmm. Interesting difference in our legal systems then. Here only plea settlements require judicial approval. Police have discretion to charge or not and prosecutors here have discretion to proceed or not, and just ’cause the cops want to go ahead doesn’t mean it will if the prosecutor thinks the case isn’t worth it. Keeps worthless cases/ problematic evidence cases/ things that are best dealt with by a strong warning from wasting judicial time and ruining lives.

  27. Scrodd

    I’m glad he got caught smoking the reefer, because it could be so much worse – and you KNOW that Wonkette would still report in lurid detail if he got caught in fisting a Brazilian cook from the South End, while being pegged by André Bauer.

  28. bynrdskynrd

    [re=409165]shortsshortsshorts[/re]: True dat, SSS. Here in the Grand Canyon, the acronym NPS (National Park Service) is hissed unlovingly amongst the resort workers.

    The Park Rangers here with their tasers and pistols give the Tourons a hard time if they walk out into a public area with a beer (which isn’t too frowned upon in Europe, where most of them are from), and sometimes use us workers as handcuff practice…

    Oh yeah…almost forgot the funny stuff…

    tRukNuTz!!!111

  29. OzoneTom

    He’s probably suffered enough with the water-boarding and all.

    BTW, was he all acting like Dave O’Brien in “Reefer Madness”?

  30. cognosciento

    Appearance by the Acting Head of the Criminal Division before a Magistrate hearing a Petty Offence = Friends in high places pulling very hard on certain strings…

  31. President Beeblebrox

    [re=409313]Prommie[/re]: Um, in my state the prosecution has unlimited discretion to dismiss charges as they see fit, for pretty much any reason, without the Consent of the dude or dudette sitting up on the bench in a black Cocktail Dress. And I’m one of those criminal defense lawyer types, so I know about these Things.

    Oh, and it looks like the Sully article got Freeped, because the lovely racist comments have begun:

    By Timothy L. Pennell on Sep 11, 2009 | Reply

    It’s called ‘TWO AMERICAS’. One for Friends of the Kenyan, and one for regular Americans.

  32. cognosciento

    [re=409457]President Beeblebrox[/re]: Not so in Federal Court; see Fed. R. Crim. P. 48(a). This issue is discussed at length in the Magistrates’ Memorandum and Order; I suggest you read it.

    I have NEVER seen the U.S. Attorney’s office move to dismiss a Petty Offense in the interests of justice, and I have defended dozens of clients charged under this section of the C.F.R. I don’t know who called the U.S. Attorney for Sully, but what I do know is that they have plenty of juice.

  33. MGBYG

    [re=409457]President Beeblebrox[/re]: [re=409489]cognosciento[/re]: Man, Have I gots a lot of questions for you two!!

    But seriously, how do we get KKKarl Rove in prison?

  34. Rusty Shackleford

    [re=409193]trondant[/re]: Touche! George Michael vs. State of California. Mr. Michael mistook Will Rogers State Park for the more well-known cruising area of L.A.’s Griffith Park, only to be accosted inflagrante delicto by a Park Ranger. It’s unclear how high he was at the time, but I’m guessing Mr. Sullivan’s little transgression doesn’t even come close.

  35. cognosciento

    [re=409511]MGBYG[/re]: The best bet on getting Rove into a jumpsuit is on a Hatch Act violation related to the U.S. Attorney firings, especially that of David Iglesias. Basically, Eric Holder needs to man up; we should all encourage him to that end.

  36. DangerousLiberal

    Mass. Lawyer’s Weekly, eh? Based on the comments on their site, I wouldn’t hire a Mass. lawyer to defend me against a parking ticket. Top to bottom assklownery.

  37. emjayay

    It’s Cape Cod National Seashore, a National Park site, dammit. So it has Park Rangers, not Forest Rangers. Where are Forest Rangers? In National Forests. Different department (Interior vs. Agriculture). Different deal. By the way there are two kinds of Park Rangers: the ones who talk to you and show you stuff, and the kind that can arrest you for in this case something ridiculous. The law enforcement kind have the same uniform but a different badge and stuff like maybe a gun on their belts.
    However please note the Park Service does have a bunch of major beaches where you can officially get nekkid arrest-free. Maybe not in Cape Cod NS though.

  38. zhubajie

    Probably it’d do him and his punditry no end of good to spend a couple weeks in jail. He could meet a lot of interesting people, get a lot of new stories to cover! I propose jail for every pundit in America! (Drunk tanks don’t count.)

  39. Athar

    Oh shit yes! George W. Bush can murder a half million Iraqis (along with forty-five hundred American troops) to satisfy his retarded ego, and we let him retire on a generous federal pension for life. If someone wants to get high in a National park, on the other hand, we slap the fuckin’ cuffs on him and lock his terrorist ass up for years.

    Why do any of us obey any laws of this whorehouse of country?

  40. Count Spatula

    Let me remind you, Andrew Sullivan who seems intelligent and reasonable lately, actually fell for Bush and his wars and was a sabre-rattling idiot quite recently.

Comments are closed.