op-art by lauri apple

What Will Levi Johnston Use To Hide His Schlong?

Valley trash.Our little Levi Johnston is known for one thing, and that’s putting his wang into Sarah Palin’s teen-aged daughter’s hoohah. AND YET … his Playgirl pictorial will be ruined by some type of duck blind over his ding-dong. But what will cover Wasilla’s most infamous working-class wiener? Our op-art specialist Lauri Apple has many suggestions.

Little Joe never once gave it away, Everybody had to pay and pay, A hustle here and a hustle there ....

About the author

A writer and editor of this website from 2006 to early 2012, Ken Layne is occassionally seen on Twitter and writes small books and is already haunting you from beyond (your) grave.

View all articles by Ken Layne

Comments

Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here with a few helpful links to ease your transition to Disqus - Claiming Old Accounts - Claiming Your ID Comments [Looking into whether this is still possible - Shy] - Turning off Disqus Notifications. And, as always, remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • bfstevie

    I vote for the back of Bill Kristol’s head. Denby will probably hold me up to scorn and reprobation. Also.

  • SayItWithWookies

    A small but tasteful death panel would do nicely.

  • Sharkey

    How about some live scorpions that have a bad case of teh crabs?

  • geminisunmars

    Are eyepatches already a thing of the past?

  • Katydid

    Eyepatch panties, natch.

  • seriesoftubescleaner

    Pit Bull lipstick canister? Crystal Meth pipe?

  • queeraselvis v 2.0

    Boo, Lauri Apple. I suggested the Baby Trig cock ring yesterday, dammit. Booooooooooo.

  • facehead

    A trig sock puppet.

  • nbawriter

    I figured it would be Vladimir Putin’s head, exclaiming that he can see it from Russia.

  • Rev. Peter Lemonjello

    I heard Andrew Sullivan already called dibs.

  • the problem child

    A condom?

  • Godot

    Stick with what made you famous, Levi. Cover your dick with Bristol Palin’s vagina.

  • Enturbulate

    Todd suggested using his dong bong.

  • Snarkalicious

    Cesium codpiece, plz.

  • RoscoePColtraine

    If we can’t all look at Levi’s penis, they’re gonna seriously need to work on his facial expressions. When he poses for pictures he sometimes loses the sexy. Hire someone to be in the room and tell him about all the homos that will be fapping to the images he’s making. If that doesn’t make him go GRRRR! then ask him when he’s going to start his American Gay Bar tour, and all the tighty whities he’ll be autographing.

  • mattbolt

    Clearly not a condom, we know that much about him

  • freakishlystrong

    A fucking redneck?

  • WadISay

    If he want to be photographed on a glacier, he could use the Alaska commerative quarter. In the cold, all men are created equal.

  • bumfug

    A walnut shell?

  • Mr Blifil

    He could simply cloak it inside a freshly butchered baby Blue Whale penis.

  • teebob2000

    Even wearing the Alaska cut-out you could still see his Wasilla.

  • jodyleek

    A bowling pin (white with a red neck, of course).

  • widestanceromancer

    Joe the Plumber’s sphincter?

  • AKAM80TheWolf

    A bag with some salt inside.

  • ProfessorJukes

    Definitely a gun holster, a well-regulated Johnson being vital to our national security and all.

  • NopantsMcGee

    I don’t know why it even has to be covered. But, one thing is for sure. This little upstart’s penis is never going to as famous as the number one penis in the world, Mr President Bill Clinton’s johnson.

    Damn it, Levi has to earn his Penile Cred. Yes, putting it in a hillbilly’s hoo-ha is a good start, but has he had it in someone’s mouth while talking policy on the phone with a congressman? No? Then, NO!

    I’m Pro-Clinton Penis and I vote.

  • ProfessorJukes

    Larry Craig’s mouth?

  • the problem child

    [re=409030]AKAM80TheWolf[/re]: “A bag with some salt and poison inside.”

    Much better, I think.

  • Tundra Grifter

    [re=409041]NopantsMcGee[/re]: Sorry – the world’s most famous penis remains John Wayne Bobbitt’s…

  • Come here a minute

    Easton hockey stick.

  • Norbert

    well no one said slaughtered turkey yet, so there ya go

  • SparkleKitty

    I would like to see Levi’s schlong hidden in the butt-cheeks of a kneeling Sarah Palin, and a big “McCain-Palin” bumper sticker covering her mouth.

  • El Pinche

    It should be black and white with a photoshopped picture of Trig (the one with his head as a cowbell) on Levi’s cack. It drips Ansel Adams.

  • slappypaddy

    eyepatches, people, eyepatches. as many as it takes. (i’m seconding and thirding the previous motions. all in favor say, “eye!”)

  • El Pinche

    [re=409073]El Pinche[/re]: For clarification, this one .
    God bless.

  • bloatedwhitetruck

    The wound in JFK’s head?

    http://encyclopediadramatica.com/JFK

  • bloatedwhitetruck

    Toward the bottom of the page. The Jackie O quote.

  • malo-ji

    How about his mother-in-law’s (or father-in-law’s) hands as a reacharound ala Janet Jackson’s 1993 Rolling Stone cover?

    http://i.realone.com/assets/rn/cms/2004/other/Janet_Jackson_rs_958.6478949.jpg

  • Slow Fish

    Are eyepatch panties available in camo?

  • Buzz Feedback

    Painting of a cross drawn in the sand by a North Vietnamese prison guard.

  • teebob2000

    I think “johnston” should be the new euphemism we all use for “penis”.

  • AbstinenceOnly Ed

    A cockmullet.

  • Kev-O-Tron

    Okay, okay, okay… a little OT but I heard a decent joke yesterday that fits here. What’s the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom? The pick pocket snatches watches.

  • the problem child

    A moose.

  • NJB

    [re=409098]teebob2000[/re]: Or we could use “levi” to make it more personal.

  • Oldskool

    A sheep to go with Levi’s sheepish grin.

  • Suds McKenzie

    Giraldo Rivera’s beard

  • Jukesgrrl

    Eyepatch with a “Palin 2012″ logo on it.

  • Suds McKenzie

    [re=409133]Suds McKenzie[/re]: Mustache damnit,

  • gurukalehuru

    The animated .gif of Nancy Pelosi – the one with the serpent’s tongue.

  • mardam422

    [re=409030]AKAM80TheWolf[/re]: Effing WIN!!11!!

  • doxastic

    SC Lt. Gov. Andre Bauer. While posing on the Appalachian Trail.

  • mardam422

    A picture of Sarah Palin’s johnson.

  • Min

    A bouquet of Alaska’s state flower, the Forget-Me-Not.

  • rmjag

    hoping 4 edible leopard-skin bikini speedos , 2 b auctioned off on naughtybids.com 2 highest bidder ( me )

  • Darkness

    This is only titillating (ahem) because everyone thinks he put his thingamajig into Sarah’s hoohaa as well. Getting a christian right teenaged daughter who is butt-ignorant about everything pregnant is something teenaged boys have to work hard NOT to do. We should hand out a special medal to those who manage by some miracle to avoid it. We wouldn’t even have to order the medals in bulk.

  • rmjag

    [re=409183]rmjag[/re]: with unlaundered scrotum stench in place . or maybe same thing in non edible microfibre jockstrap ……….

  • Extemporanus

    THE WAIT IS OVER SHEEPLE!

    Levi Johnston bares all RIGHT HERE!!!

  • desertwind

    That eyepatch underwear would work.

  • Zorg

    I’m still holding out for this little hi-tech number featured at a recent Burning Man get-together.
    http://wakaaustingmot.files.wordpress.com/2009/07/scary-merkin.jpg

  • JooJoo Bee

    A box of Trojans would provide the redeeming social content.

  • DP

    Just as long as he doesn’t conceal his truck nutz.

  • Gayer Than Thou

    I would be happy to hide it for him. I have a really good place where I like to hide the salami.

  • Click

    [re=409158]Min[/re]: Do those look anything like the New York state flower – Nevar-forgets?

  • Extemporanus

    By the way, Ms. Apple, lovely job on the op-art works, as per usual!

    I spent nearly an hour yesterday searching for images of mens’ moose head thong underwear for an earlier comment, but all I found were moose knuckles and elephant ears. My poor, desecrated browser…

  • Uncle Glenny

    [re=409261]JooJoo Bee[/re]: DING! DING! DING! I think this is a winner, and a useful picture for future sex education classes.

    [re=409344]Gayer Than Thou[/re]: You have to fight me for the privilege.

  • PsycGirl

    Speaking of hiding schlongs:
    http://blogs.wsj.com/washwire/2009/09/09/former-rep-mark-foley-to-host-radio-program/
    The name of the program is “Inside the mind of Mark Foley”.
    Can’t you go to prison for going there?

  • sezme

    Good old American duct tape.

  • American&#39

    [re=409080]bloatedwhitetruck[/re]: That site is vile.

  • MGBYG

    toothpick?

  • LoweredPeninsula

    [re=408966]Godot[/re]: Great minds think alike. Either that, or Larry Craig hiding the sausage from the front, and Mark Foley hiding the balls from the rear.

    [re=409041]NopantsMcGee[/re]: The Clenis is unstoppable. The Clenis is omnipresent and omnipotent. The Clenis is, quite frankly, god, himself.

  • zhubajie

    penis sheath
    113 x 182 – 9k – jpg
    anthro.palomar.edu

  • ElRat

    Yellow “thousand mile” tape with a pic of Palin winking and the words “You Betcha!” in honor of our troops.

  • smellyal8r

    Andrew Sullivan?

  • AKAM80TheWolf

    [re=409344]Gayer Than Thou[/re]:

    You get in line sister!

  • hunglikejesus

    Hopefully Britol can get her very own pictorial, and her fig leaf could be one of those “drill here, drill now” stickers

  • Smoke Filled Roommate

    A Cockblocker™

  • Mudfarmer

    [re=408965]the problem child[/re]: Too late!!!

  • tiger

    Tommy Friedman’s head explaining an open society.