OP-ART BY LAURI APPLE  12:40 pm September 11, 2009

What Will Levi Johnston Use To Hide His Schlong?

by Ken Layne

Valley trash.Our little Levi Johnston is known for one thing, and that’s putting his wang into Sarah Palin’s teen-aged daughter’s hoohah. AND YET … his Playgirl pictorial will be ruined by some type of duck blind over his ding-dong. But what will cover Wasilla’s most infamous working-class wiener? Our op-art specialist Lauri Apple has many suggestions.

Little Joe never once gave it away, Everybody had to pay and pay, A hustle here and a hustle there ....

 

Hola wonkerados.

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{ 79 comments }

bfstevie September 11, 2009 at 12:42 pm

I vote for the back of Bill Kristol’s head. Denby will probably hold me up to scorn and reprobation. Also.

SayItWithWookies September 11, 2009 at 12:42 pm

A small but tasteful death panel would do nicely.

Sharkey September 11, 2009 at 12:43 pm

How about some live scorpions that have a bad case of teh crabs?

geminisunmars September 11, 2009 at 12:45 pm

Are eyepatches already a thing of the past?

Katydid September 11, 2009 at 12:45 pm

Eyepatch panties, natch.

seriesoftubescleaner September 11, 2009 at 12:45 pm

Pit Bull lipstick canister? Crystal Meth pipe?

queeraselvis v 2.0 September 11, 2009 at 12:46 pm

Boo, Lauri Apple. I suggested the Baby Trig cock ring yesterday, dammit. Booooooooooo.

facehead September 11, 2009 at 12:46 pm

A trig sock puppet.

nbawriter September 11, 2009 at 12:48 pm

I figured it would be Vladimir Putin’s head, exclaiming that he can see it from Russia.

Rev. Peter Lemonjello September 11, 2009 at 12:48 pm

I heard Andrew Sullivan already called dibs.

the problem child September 11, 2009 at 12:48 pm

A condom?

Godot September 11, 2009 at 12:49 pm

Stick with what made you famous, Levi. Cover your dick with Bristol Palin’s vagina.

Enturbulate September 11, 2009 at 12:50 pm

Todd suggested using his dong bong.

Snarkalicious September 11, 2009 at 12:50 pm

Cesium codpiece, plz.

RoscoePColtraine September 11, 2009 at 12:50 pm

If we can’t all look at Levi’s penis, they’re gonna seriously need to work on his facial expressions. When he poses for pictures he sometimes loses the sexy. Hire someone to be in the room and tell him about all the homos that will be fapping to the images he’s making. If that doesn’t make him go GRRRR! then ask him when he’s going to start his American Gay Bar tour, and all the tighty whities he’ll be autographing.

mattbolt September 11, 2009 at 12:51 pm

Clearly not a condom, we know that much about him

freakishlystrong September 11, 2009 at 12:58 pm

A fucking redneck?

WadISay September 11, 2009 at 1:00 pm

If he want to be photographed on a glacier, he could use the Alaska commerative quarter. In the cold, all men are created equal.

bumfug September 11, 2009 at 1:01 pm

A walnut shell?

Mr Blifil September 11, 2009 at 1:02 pm

He could simply cloak it inside a freshly butchered baby Blue Whale penis.

teebob2000 September 11, 2009 at 1:03 pm

Even wearing the Alaska cut-out you could still see his Wasilla.

jodyleek September 11, 2009 at 1:04 pm

A bowling pin (white with a red neck, of course).

widestanceromancer September 11, 2009 at 1:09 pm

Joe the Plumber’s sphincter?

AKAM80TheWolf September 11, 2009 at 1:13 pm

A bag with some salt inside.

ProfessorJukes September 11, 2009 at 1:14 pm

Definitely a gun holster, a well-regulated Johnson being vital to our national security and all.

NopantsMcGee September 11, 2009 at 1:15 pm

I don’t know why it even has to be covered. But, one thing is for sure. This little upstart’s penis is never going to as famous as the number one penis in the world, Mr President Bill Clinton’s johnson.

Damn it, Levi has to earn his Penile Cred. Yes, putting it in a hillbilly’s hoo-ha is a good start, but has he had it in someone’s mouth while talking policy on the phone with a congressman? No? Then, NO!

I’m Pro-Clinton Penis and I vote.

ProfessorJukes September 11, 2009 at 1:17 pm

Larry Craig’s mouth?

the problem child September 11, 2009 at 1:18 pm

[re=409030]AKAM80TheWolf[/re]: “A bag with some salt and poison inside.”

Much better, I think.

Tundra Grifter September 11, 2009 at 1:27 pm

[re=409041]NopantsMcGee[/re]: Sorry – the world’s most famous penis remains John Wayne Bobbitt’s…

Come here a minute September 11, 2009 at 1:29 pm

Easton hockey stick.

Norbert September 11, 2009 at 1:30 pm

well no one said slaughtered turkey yet, so there ya go

SparkleKitty September 11, 2009 at 1:30 pm

I would like to see Levi’s schlong hidden in the butt-cheeks of a kneeling Sarah Palin, and a big “McCain-Palin” bumper sticker covering her mouth.

El Pinche September 11, 2009 at 1:31 pm

It should be black and white with a photoshopped picture of Trig (the one with his head as a cowbell) on Levi’s cack. It drips Ansel Adams.

slappypaddy September 11, 2009 at 1:33 pm

eyepatches, people, eyepatches. as many as it takes. (i’m seconding and thirding the previous motions. all in favor say, “eye!”)

El Pinche September 11, 2009 at 1:34 pm

[re=409073]El Pinche[/re]: For clarification, this one .
God bless.

bloatedwhitetruck September 11, 2009 at 1:35 pm

The wound in JFK’s head?

http://encyclopediadramatica.com/JFK

bloatedwhitetruck September 11, 2009 at 1:36 pm

Toward the bottom of the page. The Jackie O quote.

malo-ji September 11, 2009 at 1:41 pm

How about his mother-in-law’s (or father-in-law’s) hands as a reacharound ala Janet Jackson’s 1993 Rolling Stone cover?

http://i.realone.com/assets/rn/cms/2004/other/Janet_Jackson_rs_958.6478949.jpg

Slow Fish September 11, 2009 at 1:42 pm

Are eyepatch panties available in camo?

Buzz Feedback September 11, 2009 at 1:42 pm

Painting of a cross drawn in the sand by a North Vietnamese prison guard.

teebob2000 September 11, 2009 at 1:43 pm

I think “johnston” should be the new euphemism we all use for “penis”.

AbstinenceOnly Ed September 11, 2009 at 1:55 pm

A cockmullet.

Kev-O-Tron September 11, 2009 at 2:06 pm

Okay, okay, okay… a little OT but I heard a decent joke yesterday that fits here. What’s the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom? The pick pocket snatches watches.

the problem child September 11, 2009 at 2:07 pm

A moose.

NJB September 11, 2009 at 2:10 pm

[re=409098]teebob2000[/re]: Or we could use “levi” to make it more personal.

Oldskool September 11, 2009 at 2:11 pm

A sheep to go with Levi’s sheepish grin.

Suds McKenzie September 11, 2009 at 2:17 pm

Giraldo Rivera’s beard

Jukesgrrl September 11, 2009 at 2:21 pm

Eyepatch with a “Palin 2012″ logo on it.

Suds McKenzie September 11, 2009 at 2:23 pm

[re=409133]Suds McKenzie[/re]: Mustache damnit,

gurukalehuru September 11, 2009 at 2:30 pm

The animated .gif of Nancy Pelosi – the one with the serpent’s tongue.

mardam422 September 11, 2009 at 2:31 pm

[re=409030]AKAM80TheWolf[/re]: Effing WIN!!11!!

doxastic September 11, 2009 at 2:32 pm

SC Lt. Gov. Andre Bauer. While posing on the Appalachian Trail.

mardam422 September 11, 2009 at 2:33 pm

A picture of Sarah Palin’s johnson.

Min September 11, 2009 at 2:35 pm

A bouquet of Alaska’s state flower, the Forget-Me-Not.

rmjag September 11, 2009 at 2:48 pm

hoping 4 edible leopard-skin bikini speedos , 2 b auctioned off on naughtybids.com 2 highest bidder ( me )

Darkness September 11, 2009 at 2:56 pm

This is only titillating (ahem) because everyone thinks he put his thingamajig into Sarah’s hoohaa as well. Getting a christian right teenaged daughter who is butt-ignorant about everything pregnant is something teenaged boys have to work hard NOT to do. We should hand out a special medal to those who manage by some miracle to avoid it. We wouldn’t even have to order the medals in bulk.

rmjag September 11, 2009 at 2:59 pm

[re=409183]rmjag[/re]: with unlaundered scrotum stench in place . or maybe same thing in non edible microfibre jockstrap ……….

Extemporanus September 11, 2009 at 3:14 pm

THE WAIT IS OVER SHEEPLE!

Levi Johnston bares all RIGHT HERE!!!

desertwind September 11, 2009 at 3:17 pm

That eyepatch underwear would work.

Zorg September 11, 2009 at 3:28 pm

I’m still holding out for this little hi-tech number featured at a recent Burning Man get-together.
http://wakaaustingmot.files.wordpress.com/2009/07/scary-merkin.jpg

JooJoo Bee September 11, 2009 at 3:39 pm

A box of Trojans would provide the redeeming social content.

DP September 11, 2009 at 4:17 pm

Just as long as he doesn’t conceal his truck nutz.

Gayer Than Thou September 11, 2009 at 4:34 pm

I would be happy to hide it for him. I have a really good place where I like to hide the salami.

Click September 11, 2009 at 4:44 pm

[re=409158]Min[/re]: Do those look anything like the New York state flower – Nevar-forgets?

Extemporanus September 11, 2009 at 4:57 pm

By the way, Ms. Apple, lovely job on the op-art works, as per usual!

I spent nearly an hour yesterday searching for images of mens’ moose head thong underwear for an earlier comment, but all I found were moose knuckles and elephant ears. My poor, desecrated browser…

Uncle Glenny September 11, 2009 at 5:16 pm

[re=409261]JooJoo Bee[/re]: DING! DING! DING! I think this is a winner, and a useful picture for future sex education classes.

[re=409344]Gayer Than Thou[/re]: You have to fight me for the privilege.

PsycGirl September 11, 2009 at 5:30 pm

Speaking of hiding schlongs:
http://blogs.wsj.com/washwire/2009/09/09/former-rep-mark-foley-to-host-radio-program/
The name of the program is “Inside the mind of Mark Foley”.
Can’t you go to prison for going there?

sezme September 11, 2009 at 5:33 pm

Good old American duct tape.

American' September 11, 2009 at 6:29 pm

[re=409080]bloatedwhitetruck[/re]: That site is vile.

MGBYG September 11, 2009 at 7:04 pm

toothpick?

LoweredPeninsula September 12, 2009 at 12:45 am

[re=408966]Godot[/re]: Great minds think alike. Either that, or Larry Craig hiding the sausage from the front, and Mark Foley hiding the balls from the rear.

[re=409041]NopantsMcGee[/re]: The Clenis is unstoppable. The Clenis is omnipresent and omnipotent. The Clenis is, quite frankly, god, himself.

zhubajie September 12, 2009 at 1:09 am

penis sheath
113 x 182 – 9k – jpg
anthro.palomar.edu

ElRat September 12, 2009 at 2:15 am

Yellow “thousand mile” tape with a pic of Palin winking and the words “You Betcha!” in honor of our troops.

smellyal8r September 12, 2009 at 8:48 am

Andrew Sullivan?

AKAM80TheWolf September 12, 2009 at 9:51 am

[re=409344]Gayer Than Thou[/re]:

You get in line sister!

hunglikejesus September 12, 2009 at 5:34 pm

Hopefully Britol can get her very own pictorial, and her fig leaf could be one of those “drill here, drill now” stickers

Smoke Filled Roommate September 13, 2009 at 5:08 am

A Cockblocker™

Mudfarmer September 13, 2009 at 4:02 pm

[re=408965]the problem child[/re]: Too late!!!

tiger September 14, 2009 at 2:59 pm

Tommy Friedman’s head explaining an open society.

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