Wonkette
Ex-California state assemblyman Mike “Sticky Carpets” Duvall — more commonly known as The Cum Goblin — has something to say regarding his resignation yesterday, which came after a video was published of him bragging to a fellow legislator about having hot hot sex with various lobbyists, all the time, spanking them, spilling semen everywhere, playing them off of each other, etc etc: “I want to make it clear that my decision to resign is in no way an admission that I had an affair or affairs. My offense was engaging in inappropriate story-telling and I regret my language and choice of words.” Oh, Cum Goblin. [Mike Duvall]
Why should we believe a studly man such as yourself?
I’m white and I’m a republican. My words ARE reality.
I dunno. It might have to do with legal issues stemming from spooging on female (?) lobbyists. Influence Peddling, not fluid puddling.
This is not my penis. It is a delicious lollipop. Please put it into your mouth and enjoy the tropical fruit flavors.
Servicing lobbyists isn’t an affair, it’s just part of the job description.
is this to convience us or his soon to be ex-wife?
He was reading from a porn novel that he was writing.
Now it all makes sense.
*slaps forehead*
Oh, Cum Goblin, you’ve such a large guano faucet.
Drip Baby, Drip.
Hey! Who’re ya gonna believe? Me or your lying ears?!?
Ooopsie. Thanks Jim. I figured you hadn’t missed this golden bit of journalism.
“Inappropriate story-telling,” indeed. Messy Mikey, YOU LIE.
He should have talked to his lawyer *before* resigning. His wife is going to spank him in court.
If so, then how did you find out about the EYEPATCH UNDERWEAR!?!? Only a real Jizz Jumbler would know about those!
“… with my lovely wife, Morgan Fairchild.”
Monsieur Grumpe: A guy I know used that as an excuse when the wife found some personal ads he had written.
He should just hold to his original story and go out a studly sexy cum-spattering sex monster, rather than a pathetic braggy monogamous liar who resigned why!? If that’s true, dude write a letter to Penthouse, don’t spew on a Hot Mike! Cum on.
Oh, it was with a lady? Well according to the BIBLE/Constitution (one in the same for Republicans) that is more than okay, it does not count as adultery, and maybe only soft Mormonism. However, had it been with another gentleman, he could have caught “The Gay” (a liberal “STD”) and died of that.
Since no diapers were involved, he had to resign. Oh, if only he had worn a diaper he could have run for Senate (although he’d have to move somewhere like Louisiana, where real Americans live, first).
… in a seperate, and perhaps accidental, statement released by Duvall he went on to say “she could suck a golfball through a garden hose”. A call to the office of Mike Duvall was not immediately returned
I’ve been staring at that podium, too. It looks like it says “Richard Nixon.” Is there a Tricky Dick presidential libery or something?
“Oh, I was just laying out a BS story to make me look like a connected and groovy dude and now I am telling the truth ’cause I have zero to gain by lying”
After the Raygun 11th Commandment of not speaking ill of another Repube, this MUST be the Repube’s 12th.
So, Larry Craig’s not gay then?
AbstinenceOnly Ed: You’re right! How else would Open Mike McSplooge know about the pirate undies?!? I say Heidi needs to show us the goods. Rinsed out, if at all possible.
AbstinenceOnly Ed: Nevermind the eyepatch, what about his whole age/birthday discussion (which, iirc, is how the papers figured out which lobbyist he was talking about)?
“and now here I am, talking about it, because if I lie enough it will go away. Even though I quit yesterday so all I am really accomplishing is making an ass out of myself. But I’d like to think that if I try hard enough, I can win back at least one of my lobbyist gf’s, so I can at least get to smell her sticky patch again. Wait, what? She wouldn’t fuck me if my dick were diamonds, now that I am just a jobless sack o’ shit? SOCIALIZM!”
Advocatus_Diaboli: That would be the half of Cali-for-nu-a that is not part of the Raygun Bibliotech…
I’d like to protest the attachment of the relatively cool moniker “Cum Goblin” to this fat toady waste of fluid. He’s just a local wingnut from California, I’m sure if we wait, a national Republican will volunteer to be our “Cum Goblin” or perhaps Riley since he’s the prize in the “Pelosi animated gif” contest and it’s got like 26 winners, mot of them male. There is also the question of what we are supposed to tell little Johnny, Jimmy and Achmed when they want to dress up as a “Cum Goblin”. Halloween is fast approaching. Please, wont someone think of the children?
Advocatus_Diaboli: Yes, yes there is. Sticky carpets here is from ol Ticky’s homeland of Yorba Linda. Behold.
http://www.nixonlibraryfoundation.org/
Gather round Children, and I shall tell the tale of the salacious, sexy Semen Spackler of Orange Cunty, CA!
AbstinenceOnly Ed: sexy Semen Spackler is an excellent alternative. I was think about “spanky wanker”, but please, some Republican is going to get caught with a pack of cub scouts in the middle of sexy time and we’ll rue the day we made this dickwad our cum goblin.
It reminds me of the recurring problem we have with new Overlords. Honestly Wonketeers, we need to work on our standards.
Downtheroadapiece: I guess it makes sense that the cum goblin would have a picture of himself standing behind a podium dedicated to another stupid bastard who didn’t quite understand how microphones and tapey things worked and ended up resigning in disgrace.
Aesop and The Brothers Grimm have nothing on The Sacramento Super Soaker.
We should all send eye-patches to the business he owns.
Really, who cares-where is Mark Sanford?
dijetlo: I much prefer the terms “Spunk Monkey” or “Jizzmeister” myself.
Country Club Jihadi: Win.
Those stories were a complete and utter fabrication! He used a condom the entire time!
Now that Duvall is gone, who will protect the children from people like an unemployed Duvall?
I have read Kristin Maguire. Kristin Maguire is a favorite pr0n writer of mine. You, Cum Goblin, are no Kristin Maguire.
What is with the surging trend of bacchanalia and barking wingnuttery amongst the Righteous o’ the Right? Do they presume God is looking the other way right now, which is the only explanation why a half-breed Muslin could be president of God’s very own favorite country?
snideinplainsight: Hey, leave Morgan Fairchild out of this! She’s a dedicated Democrat, labor activist, and proud Texan (real name Patsy Ann McClenny). While one of her characters might be married to this pig (and now using her Press-On nails to scratch his eyes out), Patsy wouldn’t be caught dead with him.
Spunkle Sam wants YOU to warn him if the mic’s hot.
gurukalehuru: I suppose we should just welcome our new Cum Goblin Overlords.
Country Club Jihadi: Sacramento Super Soaker is pretty good, too. I always give extra points for alliteration.
dijetlo: Demote him to California Cum Goblin.
Duvall is the Republican Charles Bukowski. Mark Sanford is the Republican Czeslaw Milosz.
Diversity has been achieved.
Let me guess . . . this story went over well with the little wife, so he’s trying it a second round.
Given Duvall’s detail of the lobbyists’ “eye-patch underwear,” perhaps he was doing a retelling of the famous children’s tome, “Cum Smuggler and the Pirate Booty.”
Cum Goblin could probably use an eye patch to place over his “one eyed gusher of love”. He’ll be doing a lot more jerking off now that his lobbyist cooch dried up and he’ll be sleeping on the couch
at home.
cum soaked lobbyist undies is the new canadian girlfriend?
LIAR!!!
Better American Than You: Surely you mean Charles Bukkake?
Better American Than You: Duvall is the Republican Bukkake.
FIXED
AbstinenceOnly Ed: Great minds.
I don’t even care if he spilled his seed in some gal. I was disappointed that the media chose to focus on the sensational aspect of the stor–cum dripping– rather than focus on the implications: Sexual favors for political favors. Gee isn’t that corruption? I guess this must be a fairly common occurrence as he said it within earshot of a boatload of people, most of which didn’t even bat an eye.
queeraselvis v 2.0: OWNED.
Thanks Mike Duvall! Your “inappropriate storytelling” made me fucking nauseated for most of the day.
So, if you really didn’t bang the skank, you should still resign for being a fat, oily old pervert who “makes up” dripping eye-patch stories.
queeraselvis v 2.0: Filthy minds who spend way too much time on PornTube.
x111e7thst: That could almost anybody in California.
x111e7thst: Or California Cum Cobb? I used to have a Cum Cobb tree–but it was nastier than a gingko when it ripened.
iantenna: Or the new Apalachian Trail?
Perhaps Duvall could give a videotaped speech to school children on civic affairs and how a bill becomes a law. He’s Mr. Family Values so we don’t have to worry about the cumbag indoctrinating our children with anti-American propaganda.
I had more respect for him when I thought he was actually fucking lobbyists two at a time. Now that he’s admitted he just lies about fucking lobbyists two at a time, he’s just sort of weird and pathetic, like that acnified 15-year-old geek with the horn-rimmed glasses in freshman-year high school that everybody dove out the window to avoid.
Throbert Duvall
Mike Duvall: “I am a liar.”
I could give a giant wooly rat’s ass about the cum goblin. He’s just one member of a disgraceful elected body of immaterial sayers of NO in an irrelevant coastal state. I want to hear more about the cum guzzler, the birthday girl.
“Legislative sources say they have witnessed Duvall, who is vice chairman of the Assembly’s powerful Committee on Utilities & Commerce, socializing after-hours with Barsuglia. Sources–who asked for anonymity because of Duvall’s power in the capital–say Susan Duvall usually stays in Orange County during the week, when her husband flies to Sacramento. They also say they have seen Duvall with Barsuglia in restaurants, “arm-in-arm” at political fund-raising events and even shopping together for groceries just blocks from the capitol building. ”
http://blogs.ocweekly.com/navelgazing/breaking-news/oc-assemblyman-in-bed-with-lob/
Apparently Duvall was some lobbyist’s loyal douche.
Poor guy. Just a victim of his own vivid imagination and ability to spin a ripping yarn.
Guppy06: Yeah, but he left it in there for decoration, so the story still holds water. Thick, milky genetically viable water.
My electric company, whose lobbyist Cum Goblin claims to have done, denies all wrongdoing, sort of:
“Sempra Energy today issued the following statement in response to numerous media inquiries regarding taped comments made last July by former California Assemblymember Michael Duvall:
“Sempra Energy takes very seriously any reports involving the conduct of our employees. We are investigating this matter and the recent media reports that named one of our employees. The employee has denied the speculative media reports. Our investigation will be conducted to ensure not only that our policies on employee conduct are strictly adhered to, but also that our employee is treated fairly.”
This should remove all ambiguity from the situation.
hiphophitler: Agree — he should have come out with all balls a-swinging.
“Of course I was banging two hot lobbyists, why else did you think I got into politics? Thanks OC rubes for believing all that family-values shit. It’s been a total blast!”
Has anyone discovered the who the other ho’ is yet — ie “Shar, Shar”???
Non-denial denial! Ah, he is a sneaky one, that Cum Goblin.
See: “I’m in no way admitting I had affairs.” Nope. Not admitting it. “‘course, I ain’t denying it either. (If you want me to admit it, I will, in detail, for $3.99 a minute. Just dial 1-800-CUM-GBLN.)”
No sex as in only sodomy with cuban cigars no sex?
Adolf Hitler’s statement:
“I want to make it clear that my decision to commit suicide is in no way an admission that I committed mass genocide. My offense was engaging in inappropriate book writing, speech giving and war mongering and I deeply regret my language and choice of words.”
His only chance is basically to say “Look at me. Who would really fuck this? And all those totally gross details, like my cum dripping out of a lobbyist’s vagina, ha ha, don’t you know I made those up to sound like I actually do bang lobbyists. After all, what kind of sick fuck says shit like that? Me. I’m that sick and gross”
Jukesgrrl: Forgive me, I was just doing my John Lovitz knockoff Pathological Liar imitation. No offense intended -
Okay, now pull the other one.
…and it also wasn’t NOT an admission…
He’s calling himself a liar in public! And in the state capitol, no less! Next he’s going to have to pull a Joe Wilson and publicly apologize to himself for calling himself a liar, an apology he will be obliged to accept in the interests of promoting civil debate.
Philandering conservatives beware! This is what happens if you don’t throw in with C-Street!
BTW, what’s wrong with the obvious nickname?
“Open” Mike Duvall
He third girlfriend lives in Canada.
It’s funnier if he actually is lyin’ about all that love making.
V572625694: I love that they want the employee to be treated fairly. Um assholes, it sounds like you used her pussy like a piece of company property, lapping up all the old gross jizz in town, but now you want to make sure she is treated fairly.
because seriously, is there any doubt that she was only fucking him for his votes?
It depends on the what the meaning of “my jizz spilling out of her” is.
What’s his wife look like? I want to do a side by side comparison.
From the Desk of Mike Duvall
Memo to self:
1. Do not take apology lessons from Mark Sanford.
2. Call Newt — find out which divorce lawyer he used.
3. Cancel Teabagging Party scheduled at Drippingsville.
V572625694: …Our investigation will be conducted to ensure not only that our policies on employee conduct are
strictlystickily adhered to…fixed.
Darkness: More like trying to avoid criminal charges for influence peddling.
snideinplainsight: Apology accepted. The wife probably does try to look like Morgan Fairchild (half the California women of a certain age/income bracket do), but it’s only fair since he is clearly a James Brolin-wannabe.
Maybe it’s just like Madonna’s “affair of the heart” with A-Rod: except this time the dude involved shot his hot muck into the woman’s pussy. Just saying.
I want to know who the other babe is. Great CA lobbyist Web site for searching for Shar, or Sher, or Char, or whatever Open Mike said about her. See http://cal-access.ss.ca.gov/Lobbying/Lobbyists/list.aspx?letter=L
Godot: By cum, you’ve got it! “Open” Mike Duvall it is (or should be).
V572625694: Yes, I want to know more about the corruption angle of all of this, and wouldn’t mind seeing Barsuglia hounded, as an example for all lobbyists everywhere. Guess Abramoff scandal didn’t scare them off.
randomsausage: At that age, his muck is tepid at best.
Why aren’t the MSM commentators fulminating on what should happen to the lobbyists who allegedly put out? Is it suddenly okay for a utility company to pimp out its employees?
Hutch: me to. Thanks for the link. Could be Sherreta Lane
http://cal-access.ss.ca.gov/Lobbying/Lobbyists/Detail.aspx?id=1318740&session=2009
But I’m guessing not. No eye patches here Mr…at least I hope not.
lawrenceofthedesert: Hey if the Dept of Interior can do it, what’s wrong with a utility company joining in?? http://www.nytimes.com/2008/09/11/washington/11royalty.html (remember last year’s fun times?)
randomsausage: Women of her age (and I might add, mine) only wear eye patches on . . . our eyes.
randomsausage: Ye gads! I ruled Ms. Lane right out… but this looks interesting. http://cal-access.ss.ca.gov/Lobbying/Lobbyists/Detail.aspx?id=1255486&session=2009
Kullyfornia house speaker just kicked the guy who Wilson was telling the “inappropriate story” to off the Ethics Committee since he is gonna be a (relucant?) witness in the investigation.
Sounds like they need a neutral investigator. Ken Starr — tanned, rested, and ready for another sexy time investigation!
Hutch: Man - her name is a question — Charissa A Lott? Might have to ask that of Open Mike Duvall (aka Cum Goblin).
Horn-dog FAIL: Man loses, job, wife, self-respect FOR TALKING SHIT about something he didn’t even do.
McDuff: That Wilson fellow sure gets around. He yells about lying in Congress, and now he is lying about telling in California.
no, Shitbrains,your MISTAKE was talking into an open mike. Your OFFENSE is existing, with a side of adultery.
You know what, am I getting old because Cocktober seems to come earlier every year?
Country Club Jihadi: Personally, I prefer the Oozinator: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YdAIt4MgnHc
Hutch: Thanks for the tip Hutch, word on the street from Huggy is that it could be this “health lobbyist”.
http://cal-access.ss.ca.gov/Lobbying/Lobbyists/Detail.aspx?id=1148659&session=2009
But Mike, even words, they can hurt.
Open Mike spent three glorious days in Tahoe at the end of July in the company of energy lobbyists (including Sempraites, but apparently NOT Ms. Heidi-Ho).
http://www.cmta.net/conference.php?event_id=415#attendees
Possible nickname Shau? in attendance, too: http://cal-access.ss.ca.gov/Lobbying/Lobbyists/Detail.aspx?id=1273031&session=2009
randomsausage: Healthcare?!? Really?!? Then Ms. Oliver seems to fit the bill (and she’d look great in an eye patch). http://cal-access.ss.ca.gov/Lobbying/Lobbyists/Detail.aspx?id=1275630&session=2009
Baconbits: LOL, that was vile and oh so wrong.
Great work from T-thyme and Hutch! Where do they find these names????!!!! Shaudi Fulp!
Returning to Charissa “A Lotta” Fagina……
http://www.capitoladvocacy.com/about.html
“Charissa Lott has been in and around the legislative process for many years. Charissa handles legislative tracking, provides ongoing updates and coordinates political activities for many of Capitol Advocacy’s clients. She is responsible for FPPC compliance for the firm and provides assistance to clients in this area.”
FPPC = Full Patch Pantie Camel-toe
HE was going over his submission for the next Penthouse Letters book.
Wowzers, there sure are a lotta 4-diamond “lobbyists” out there that might fit the patch … er … bill.
randomsausage: I just perused the CA SoS site for lobbyists with (a) a name that might sound like Shar, (b) works for a lobbying organization related to Sempra (i.e. Chevron), and (c) looks like someone who is used to having singles thrust into her eyepatch.
Finding Mike’s recent Tahoe energy junket with such a person was just a bonus.
He’s like a bizarre collision of Slick Willy and Tricky Dicky:
“I did not have sex with that woman. By the way, I AM a liar.”
T-thyme: Fulp looks high-maintenance….no singles there….only crisp Ben Franklin as she grinds the legislative process
randomsausage: Full Patch Pantie Camel-toe–you can’t get a eye patch over one of those!
Inappropriate storytelling! Inappropriate storytelling?!? Were I the “mostly mum” assemblyman sitting next to this piece of garbage, I’d take the mute off his mic myself! Inappropriate storytelling indeed! He’s mostly likely ruined the careers of Ms. Lotta Fagina and Ms. Heidi De Dong–in addition to his own.
Thanks, Randomsausage and T-thyme. You just know that Wonkette is the AP and Reuters top research site!
Crissake, all these lobbyist you guys are dredging up are fucking hot!!!
I’m depressed…
I wish I could make this up, but Capitol Weekly newspaper named Shaudi Falamaki one of their “Up and Comers.”
“‘A workaholic, she goes to the gym every morning, but is early to bed for eight-hour nights. “At night, what is there to do?” she jokes. “You can’t work.’”
IT WAS FOR RESEARCH PRUPOSES
I-man: thank you. we need to push the fact that this(these?) woman (women?) lobby for utility companies and this guy claims to represent them in congress.
lawrenceofthedesert: Only if they deal primarily in fossil fuel based energy sources. This is why there has been so little progress in the field of nuclear energy in recent decades. We must level this playing field by allowing employees of all utility companies trade their moist/soft/stretchy (only one of these is required) holes for political influence…for the good of the consumer, for the good of our children, and for the good of morbidly obese state-level lawmakers everywhere. Tax cuts, also.
Have you seen the salaries they pay California legislators, then considered the state’s cost of living index? Duvall was just pushing his own version of that website, CreampieSurprise, to make enough money to get by.
randomsausage: Preseason, dude. This guy’s just hustling extra to try and get called up to the majors.
I wanna see pics of the hussies that snuggled up to that second chin…
Can the Cum Goblin please un-resign? I mean, Jeez, we’re only 10 days into Sementember … Wonkette: please start a petition!
Look at this, someone compiled a Top 10 Sacramento Lobbyist list.
http://www.flashreport.org/blog0a.php?postID=2006080918262112&authID=2005091915452225
Nice that teh lobbyists cater to the fantasies of every political stripe:
Heather Dion - high-school sweetheart look. Goes down easily with any occasion.
Robyn Black - for Southern MILF lovers
Phyllis Marshall - Foxy Brown!
Amalia Chamorro - Fun, South-of-the-Border styleeeee
Danielle Hall - hot SF hippy-chick for Bay Area radicals
Lisa Folberg - Nordic ice-maiden
Erin O’Keefe - can crush a pint of Guinness between her thighs
Jennifer Fischer - She don’t just wear pearls on her ears
Shaudi Falamaki - exotic Eurasian fox, good in an eye-patch
Valerie Rose - librarian look: likes to discuss Jane Austen and lube
So when you sign on as a lobbyist, is whoring an explicit part of the contract? Or is it implicit, like bar-girls in SE Asia, nominally employed to get sailors to buy them drinks?
zhubajie: freakin’ hope so. I’m trying to have government relations added to my communications empire. Can’t wait to “interview” some firms….
zhubajie: Shame on you! Your equating California lobby-girls with Thai bar-girls diminishes the reputation of prostitutes in seedy gin joints everywhere!
randomsausage: Dear Mr. Sausage, excellent find and commentary! Someone is going to spill the jizz, er, beans on the second lobbyist very soon. And it will be great for America!
“Y’see, the video leaves out the part where I explain that this is what a non-family-values kinda guy would do. I was educating my colleague there, who needed some mentoring so he’d recognize evil if he ever encountered it.”
I understand his wife and family are standing behind him — which should be a safe position as long as they stay there no matter which way he turns
The Dribbler. Cream Sauce Duvall. This guy is so hot, I’d fuck him…
About 10 years ago, I worked with a creepy married asshole who hit on me all the time. I was too nice (I have no idea why in retrospect) to tell him I found him repulsive but his being married was enough for me to keep him at bay. Or so I thought. I started noticing my coworkers were acting weird around me. One night a female coworker who was sort of a casual friend asked me if it was true about me and Andy. If what was true, I asked. She blurted out that Andy had been telling everyone about the torrid and freaky sex he and I were having on a regular basis. Shocked and appalled, I cornered other people in the department and, yes, they too had heard the wild stories of the assignations I was having with this cretin in hotels and even in the parking lot of our work! :puke: Against my better judgment I opted to confront him directly rather than going right to HR as I should have. He denied it at first but as I pushed the matter he finally acknowledged he might have said some things that could have been misconstrued. He apologized profusely and begged me not to tell management. My compassion for his family was the deciding factor in not pursuing a harassment case against him. His wife was a stay-at-home mom and they had 3 kids.
Unsurprisingly, I was not the only woman he lied about. There were at least three other women that I know of whose reputations he tarnished with his sick compulsive lying. The person I really felt sorry for was his wife. Apparently, rumors about Andy and one woman got to her. She confronted the woman at the company holiday party, throwing a drink in her face. It was a horribly embarrassing scene, with the woman Andy lied about professing her innocence profusely and the wife refusing to believe it. I’ve often thought about the wife and wondered what would be worse, having a husband who’s a philandering louse or one who is the kind of weirdo loser who wants to cheat on you but can’t find a woman to do it with him so he lies about it instead.
(my comment got eated so I’m trying again)
About 10 years ago, I worked with a creepy married asshole who hit on me all the time. I was too nice (I have no idea why in retrospect) to tell him I found him repulsive but his being married was enough for me to keep him at bay. Or so I thought. I started noticing my coworkers were acting weird around me. One night a female coworker who was sort of a casual friend asked me if it was true about me and Andy. If what was true, I asked. She blurted out that Andy had been telling everyone about the torrid and freaky sex he and I were having on a regular basis. Shocked and appalled, I cornered other people in the department and, yes, they too had heard the wild stories of the assignations I was having with this cretin in hotels and even in the parking lot of our work! :puke: Against my better judgment I opted to confront him directly rather than going right to HR as I should have. He denied it at first but as I pushed the matter he finally acknowledged he might have said some things that could have been misconstrued. He apologized profusely and begged me not to tell management. My compassion for his family was the deciding factor in not pursuing a harassment case against him. His wife was a stay-at-home mom and they had 3 kids.
Unsurprisingly, I was not the only woman he lied about. There were at least three other women that I know of whose reputations he tarnished with his sick compulsive lying. The person I really felt sorry for was his wife. Apparently, rumors about Andy and one woman got to her. She confronted the woman at the company holiday party, throwing a drink in her face. It was a horribly embarrassing scene, with the woman Andy lied about professing her innocence profusely and the wife refusing to believe it. I’ve often thought about the wife and wondered what would be worse, having a husband who’s a philandering louse or one who is the kind of weirdo loser who wants to cheat on you but can’t find a woman to do it with him so he lies about it instead.
I don’t know what the deal is with this Duvall character but when I look at him and read the outlandishness of his claims I’m reminded of that Andy guy.
Sorry for the dupe, kids!
Excellent work there, Hutch, T-Thyme, and Randomsausage. *golf clap* I hope Wonkette gets the credit! MUST CREDIT WONKETTE for the Sacramentoniennes!!
I grew up near Sacramento, so this is pretty exciting stuff. I am so going to joke with my brother (who lives in Tricky Dick’s other home, San Clemente) when I see him next. He’s a republican but he does have a finely honed sense of snark.
@SarahPalins2HeadedLovechild: Good point, but this eye patch underwear business reminds me too much of Bill O’Reilly’s loofah/falafel not to have the ring of truth to it.
BerkeleyFarm: Thanks, BF. It was a delightfully vulgar day! I love Wonkette!
Hutch: It’s not like he couldn’t get details like that from some porn site. Sorry, but his stories sound like they are straight out of the Penthouse Forum.
When those lobbyists start suing him for slandering them all of a sudden he’ll remember that nope, it’s all true.
@SarahPalins2HeadedLovechild: Point taken! However, I’ve been Googling, PornTubing, and searching Penthouse fora for “eye patch underwear” all day (hey, I’m sick with ‘flu–nothing else to do!) and I find nada, zip, zilch. Can you cite an example? A link would be fine.
Moby Dick?
The Sticky Dripster?
Sploogepatchen B Dumas?
Creamy Peener Duval?
Mike McPoon Sauce?
My own private Sodoku. I could do this shit all night long.
God bless you, Sextember!
Heidi Barsuglia … Shaudi Fulp … Charissa Lott … they’re like Bond Girls.
T-thyme: From what I’ve read, everyone knew he was seeing Heidi. This is like a desperate effort to stay out of jail or something.
Shaudi Fulp has a real come-hither-to-me-old-toady-legislator gaze. I wonder if congressmen look through these lobbyist profiles jacking off? Stupid question. But were the profiles made specifically for that purpose?
randomsausage: Shaudi Falamaki of Schott and Lites Advocates? So she married Ermin Fulp and became Shaudi Fulp?
I hope Spunky Brewster there had his fill, because now that he’s an unemployed douche, this fat-ass is never getting laid again.
Incidently, I wonder if slutty lobbyist will “pull a Monica” and keep her creamy eyepatch as a souvenir? Also wouldn’t the “sticky carpets” (probably shag) be a more appropiate nickname for her?
NYNYNY: “Seeing” Heidi? I have her “before” photo on my desktop for 9-11 Day; I’m “seeing” Heidi. He was blowing his load into her seed socket, watching her straighten her skirt and (strange construction in the recorded intercept) getting phone calls from her as she walked around in public leaving snail trails on other people’s carpets.
Observing… using as a fuck toy, for a consideration… not quite the same thing.
NYNYNY: kinda bummed that Shaudi is married. But then again…..makes it all the more dirty. Me march…..on Sacramento!
If “Open” Mike had really been making it up wouldn’t he have admitted that rather than resign? He just didn’t think of that excuse until the day after. There are definitely guys who make up conquests, many in high-school and some never grow out of it. But this case doesn’t seem to fit. Let’s see if any of the alleged whores sue him for making things up about them.
And I guess these ladies hubbies all appreciate the fresh creampie that their wives bring home every evening. Of course there’s also the petrobucks that are added to the household budget so the hubbies are just as whorish as their wives.
“I regret that comments of mine were taken out of context and misconstrued. When I spoke about sexting during boring legislative committee meetings, wild nights of S&M, bondage, cum-filled gallon containers being sloshed about on hotel walls and cavorting shamelessly with drunken lobbyist whores while my wife worked the late-night shift at Taco Bell to pay our mortgage, what I really meant to say was that from time to time I conferred with experts in the energy industry to fight for the working families of California. I sincerely apologize if my comments were misunderstood.”