Wonkette
Welcome to the President’s big health care speech! Everyone is so excited to write about this, because of all the “health care pun” possibilities. “Remedy” can fix things outside the context of medicine too! Ha ha! Let’s begin, now that we have pre-gamed. Please drop your pants and cough twice.
8 PM: Obama is 45 seconds late. Unacceptable.
8:01 PM: Here is Michelle and her fashion bowtie. Ravishing and sparkly.
8:02 PM: Camera cuts away from Hillary Clinton. Why? Perhaps she is also wearing a fashion bowtie and this would be an embarrassing faux pas? Not very diplomatic, certainly.
8:04 PM: …
8:05 PM: For people who (in theory) spend a lot of time talking together, there seems to be much hand-shaking.
8:06 PM: All the red suits in the crowd are like pimples on the face of democracy.
8:09 PM: The teleprompter looks bored.
8:11 PM: FINALLY HI, YES. Obama, America’s President.
8:12 PM: Obama has given copies of his birth certificate to Biden and Pelosi. They are in envelopes, for security.
8:13 PM: Nancy Pelosi gives you: Barry!
8:14 PM: As you know, our economy was very bad. In fact, you might be especially aware of this because it is still quite bad!
8:15 PM: Obama has posted your resume to Craigslist.
8:16 PM: The economy has returned from the Brink, which sounds like somewhere in Afghanistan probably.
8:17 PM: Obama will not let the Bobby Jindal/Levi Johnston administration fix health care in 2016, because he is getting to it first.
8:18 PM: TAKE A SHOT. “JOHN DINGLE.”
8:19 PM: Our health care system needs reform, is basically his point with these statistics.
8:21 PM: Two empty seats in the third row! Who is missing?
8:22 PM: Commence recapitulations of terrible tragedies. Acne, mastectomy, gallstones. Let’s all clap to prevent tragedies!
8:23 PM: Americans cannot afford to open small businesses because they are all dead.
8:24 PM: Medicare is also a tragedy! This is a FACT and our seniors must pay the price.
8:25 PM: Here’s a Venn Diagram of What Everyone Believes. It is Marxism vs. letting everyone operate on themselves.
8:26 PM: Congress has worked very hard on reform while it was not in session.
8:27 PM: Obama is sort of excited, you can tell!
8:28 PM: Here is the middle of the Venn Diagram: We all agree that ALL dead Americans should be able to open small businesses.
8:29 PM: Politicians tend to get hyperbolic to achieve short-term goals. CUT THIS OUT YOU GUYS.
8:30 PM: The Plan is all about security, providing health care for people who don’t have it, and health care will cost less for people who do. See? Problem solved. Everyone turn on Dancing With the Stars.
8:31 PM: JOHN MCCAIN, smirking like a terrible plague of cancerous acne gallstones.
8:32 PM: DR. JIM NEWELL WILL SEE YOU NOW. Please begin by describing your complete medical history.
Pants, dropped. Eyepatch, snapped. Let’s DO this.
“How appropriate we call her Dr. Biden.”
Yes, do not use her title she worked years to get on any day except a day where health care is a sort of big deal. DEGREES ARE EPHEMERAL
just me?
There’s Hillary Clinton, star of a movie last year.
I just hope he takes the Politico’s advice and doesn’t try that discredited moral argument for health care.
Let’s go people. Shut the fuck up and sit down!
number 9
Is that Elizabeth Dole shaking hands with Hillary?
I can’t get Hulu or CSpan to work
I’m having to watch this on MSNBC
The voice of Brian Williams, it burns
A moment ago they said something about the Democrats having “60 votes in the Senate”. Way2count, cable news
Hrm. Feels weird to be eagerly awaiting an Obama speech after these last few months of gradually mounting disappointment. Takes me back to February or so . . .
“The gang of six — this has six members.” The CNN.com yokels are on fire.
Weeeeee!
barry is obviously running on ISLAND TIME! that island being kenya.
Take an aspirin and call Ken in the morning?
I’m watching this on my phone.
Meghan is so fat, when it says “All you can eat” it still ain’t enough. (And yes, I’ll stop now.)
Jesus Christ, how much handshaking is needed?!? Let’s get to the socialism, and such. Also.
LordPretzel: I thought he said “Mrs. Dr. Biden”
If someone isn’t going to read the bill or vote for it, like Coburn or Inhofe, will they even show up?
*cough*
SayItWithWookies: I always wondered a bit about Olympia. She probably has the biggest member out of all of them.
this is much better! F that other blog in the goatass!
what the fuck is PBS showing?
Peter Orzag is so dreamy…. sigh…
Did Michelle Obama buy her dress from Mr. Bubble?
starbursts… everywhere…
Oh noes!
Don’t fail our corporations NoBama!
Oh, Keith. This is the Corporations’s last stand on whether they run this country? Is it just me, or is it getting hot in here?
LordPretzel: Well, to be fair, it is a lady-degree. Probably in some lady-subject like cooking.
Real World DC group arrives, now we can start.
Chuck Todd? Seriously?
How tall in Rahmbone? He looks like a Keebler elf on CNN.
I know this isn’t new, but wow: Rahm is short….explains so much….
Well, how’s it going? Anything sexy?
Orszag just killed a man.
I’m watching on the socialist muslin “barackobama.com” channel- we will get the real message hidden from you teabaggers.
Chuck Todd is fat.
“I stand for the corporations’ right to rape the individual of everything they have. It’s the American way.”
jagorev: Thanks for the http://www.npr.org reminder; beats the crap out the babblers on CNN.
keith, plz quit with the heavy nose-breathing sigh. jesus that’s gross/annoying.
AnnieGetYourFun: I guess it depends on your perspective — the Republicans think she’s a traitor. Then again, comparing her to Baucus? Yeah, bigger.
Barry must be finishing a ‘grette.
Hopefully Biden remembers he’s got a live mic.
Birth Certificate!!! TOTUS!
Dr. Biden isn’t a medical doctor, so why stress the title?
Those people are packed in there eyepatch to elbow.
I just hope everyone brought their hand sanitizer, because I wouldn’t put it beyond the Republics to use small pox blankets on the Democrats. Except Lincoln, Nelson, minimax, etc.
Oh boy I hope Steve Jobs comes out with a touch screen iTablet
SayItWithWookies: if only that were the case
crazy cards: well played, sir
finallyhappy: I bet his speeches sound great in the original Indonesian.
Maybe this’ll be like that Saddam speech where he lists off names of people who oppose him and they are kindly escorted out of the chamber and forced to shoot each other in a back alley.
You look at that chamber and think, “Back in the old days, all of those people were probably smoking.” That’s a really comforting thought.
Please Barry, save me from Lehrer, Shields and Brooks’ improv.
ooo here de man…
Rachel should put gray highlights in her hair to look more like her sister Keef.
I want two old white men to announce when I walk into a room.
I want Weiner, he’s hot
I like the Tweedle Dee/Tweedle Dum intro of da Prez.
I think Barry just threatened to shoot someone on his way in
The Seargent-at-Arms could teach the British a thing or two about pomp and ceremony. Did you see that avuncular wink? AWESOME.
I always think there should be an John Tesh-composed organ intro before the President enters any room.
SYTYCD is still on, glad someone stands up to this socialist.
The CNN video feed is several seconds behind the NPR audio.
Jesus, President McSlow is certainly taking his time!
Ladies and gentleman … The Beatles!
And here comes NoDrama — this could take a while. He’s got a lot of people to give stern but friendly looks to.
ewwww mitch mcconnell is so nasty looking. like some toothless, hairless bird.
Where the hell is AMC? not on MSNBC.com, that’s where.
Michelle looks like she is ready to puke
NPR SAYS HES 5 MINUTES LATE AND WILL BE LATER AS HE MAKES HIS WAY TO THE PODIUM.
BHO IS HNC BITCHES!
HOLY SHIT, Dennis Kusinich grew like 10ft!
I still get chills when that guy says “Madam Speaker, the President of the United States” and a black dude walks in.
Michelle looks like she’s going to fall asleep.
T.J.M: One of them always lies, one of them always tells the truth. But which one?
David Brooks (NPR’s coverage) just described the atmosphere in the room as “a mushroom of bonhomie.” I love PBS.
SayItWithWookies: I’d hit it, is what I’m saying.
Why, oh, why does Mitch McConnell always look like he’s about to start blubbering?
Hillary + Obama kiss! PUMAS SECEDE.
Mitch McConnell is a fucking turd.
Nice pink tie Kucinich. You match Michelle!
OMG Barry and Hillary almost totally made out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111111
did Boner kiss Hillary after Barry did????
Ooh, Hillary and Barry are showing some love.
Hillary gets two kisses? What is that, a down payment for later?
Is that Megs McCabe on the far right in that photo or is Elizabeth Hasselbeck 8 1/2 months pregnant again?
finallyhappy: Oh goodness, I didn’t know that was an option. Thanks.
The video here is of very poor quality, but worth it. The voices of the pundits, it was alike to nails on a chalkboard
they touch and smooch and prod each other like insects, ick
AnnieGetYourFun: You’re thinking of Olympia Dukakis.
chascates: Did Hilz get her hand back?
barry just kind of blew off bobby rush. hahhaha fuck off, bobby.
Don’t yell at me for being a stupid, but who’s the dude next to Biden with the purple tie?
to pelosi and biden: this message will self destruct
Edywin: morning sickness
Did the President just give Joe Biden anthrax?
“Gigantic” is a good movie, everyone here should rent it.
Uncommon Nonsense: Seriously. After months of “say it ain’t so, BO,” here I am, dripping out of my eyepatch underwear.
blinky_twinkie: I et one of those at Burning Man once and all of a sudden everywhere talking cats!
Brooks on PBS (not paraphrasing): Vote Republican, you may not like their policies, but they’re on time.
obfuscator: I thought it looked like he was basking…doesn’t he realize the folks back home can see him?
Wingnuts are torn over what to be most pissed off about:
1) Even Fox is carrying the speech
2) OMG he really is black
3) “Hilda, goddamn, did you see him hug a white woman?”
They sure looked sneakily happy.
I wonder if Barack is “dripping” down Michelle’s leg.
Come on Barry, kick some ass.
Thats it! Health care passes by standing ovation! We Love Cash For Clunkers! Wooot
IF you listen closely, you can hear Naughty By Nature’s Hip Hop Hooray
Pelosi’s red suit is making my eyes hurt.
blinky_twinkie: that’s the same atmosphere as in my pants! + eyepatch, natch!
The “high” privilege? I’ll bet you do, you San Francisco stoner!
AnnieGetYourFun: take a number, I already volunteered earlier today.
Who’s in charge of the Pelosi blink counter today?
Ah shit, it’s Pelosi. Ah good, she’s out. GIVE ‘EM HELL, BARRY.
Biden checks the contents of his envelope. N00b.
AnnieGetYourFun: Oh speaking of which, where is Schwartz? Or Sanchez? Snowe’s cool, but she’s wavered on too many things.
They are doing the wave!
Has Michelle Bachmann kissed him yet?
Cookie Guggelman:
shellbomber: did he get any boobie?
He hisssssesssss when he ssssssspeakssssss
BHO is a Slytherin!
Michelle Obama is SO sleepy, she literally cannot keep her eyes open.
Is this going to be one of those times where Obama says ‘hello’ and everyone orgasms with applause. That’s what it looks like on this (admittedly silent) live feed on CNN.com.
ooh, I hope it’s campaign Hopey not boring Barry.
I want to hear him say, “Nobody fucks with Joe” again.
Does that include hand jobs?
head to right telepropmter, head to left teleprompter. like a tennis match.
Do you think he’s watching this liveblog on one of his tel-e-prompters? If so, HI BARRY!!!!!11!!!1!
but if you are an irresponsible homeowner, kiss your ass good bye.
oh really, now, back from the brink, are we? why don’t you kiss my u-shaped recovery.
GreatOldOnesParty: Bush was a lot worse on his ’s’’s.
“I can stand here with confidence and say we’re sliding towards the precipice a lot more slowly than we were in January.”
STOP BLINKING NANCY
HOoray! the economy thing is over! now I can buy that new college degree.
GreatOldOnesParty: Don’t play! Barry’s Gryffindor all the way, baby!
Norbert: PRE_EXISTING CONDITION!
‘Clean up after Bush’ you mean.
Norbert: I lost count after 176.
“I am determined to be the last!” Sigh. My hero.
“We did not come here just to clean up elephant shit.”
Oh my, these Congress people are terrific at kissing Presidential ass!
Did he say they wanted to clean some Chryslers? You will all notice a sham-wow under your seat…head out to the parking lot right now!
biggiantannoyingthing: stop it w/ teh smileys.
it fucks w/ teh commentzz
republicans are assholes
Barry’s got a bit of a swagger going on.
Health care not done until they fix my fucking joints and cure my hay fever, so back off the last president to take up health care, Mr. Pres.
You’d think the Republicans would’ve applauded that Obama’s determined to be the last prez to take up healthcare reform. Seven and a half more years of stalling and their long national nightmare is over.
John Dingle Senior!!! DRINK
DINGLE DINGLE DINGLE DINGLE DINGLE DINGLE SENIOR
Jesus Hopscotching Christ. Stop standing up already. If you’ve gotta stand to prevent the DVT’s then at least make it interesting and get a wave going.
ForTheTurnstiles: hey now, that’s my Rep over here in Godless SF!
Congress applauds itself for not passing a bill for 80 years.
Dingleberry!
GreatOldOnesParty: we’ll know when he farts.
“America, you failed.”
So this is all Dingel can do? Put the same bill in every year? Sounds like a little league softball team.
What’s with all the yelling? I can’t tell whether they are pro- or anti- socialism.
Aww — John Dingel is cute — he even dresses like a government employee. It’s a sign of integrity. Or not being connected.
Cookie Guggelman: And he’s not immediately handcuffed.
Dingle does what? And yes, chascates, he should have just come out and said cleaned up after the last dickwad Republic president you boneheads supported like a bunch of fucking zombies.
Alright give it to the Assley factionm that’s what we’re here for
Oh, Dingell’s so cute.
i am going to name my new alt-county band “collective failure”
POTUS busts out facts, GOP does a collective watch check.
There he goes saying America is not #1!!!!1!! Socialist!
Hey, CNN viewers — is it just me, or does the audio drop out for like, 1/8 of a second about once a minute? Not long enough that you miss anything, but just enough to be noticeable and mildly annoying . . . ?
Pilate: It’s rubbing of on Joe. He’s got the blinks too tonight.
Yeah really what’s with all the hootin’ and hollerin’. Is this thing doubling as a Bush family reunion?
Personal stories!
DRINKAGE!
Pelosi’s left cheek implant has fallen.
Show us a list of all the congress members and the checks they took from the AMA, insurance companies, and big pharma.
so far so good…
SayItWithWookies: and those are definitely some lenscrafters bargain bin eyeglasses.
Congress really should get some E-Z-Lift chairs installed for all the obligatory standing and clapping.
declare your acne, dammit!
Glad I used Clearasil for my acne. Woah
Uncommon Nonsense: I’ve noticed that as an HD thing generally. It happens during my Law & Order reruns on TNT, too. FUCK.
THUMB WAVY HAND…yout first candidate for a death panel, por favor…CNN.
Michelle is stoned
Wait, his VP is a democrat too?! PASS THIS SHIT!!1
GreatOldOnesParty: LOL
Is Max Baucaus alive? Anyone?
No one should be treated that way in the USA, but if someone has to be, let it be that California State Rep and his lobbyist bimbo with the eyepatch panties.
Yeah, that’s right!
I’m looking at YOU, BAUCUS!
Pshttt, I pay $1000 a year for weed.
Skyrocketing costs are keeping us from rocketing… to the sky…
Michelle looks sick. IS IT MOURNING SICKNESS AT NIGHT (for ted kennedy)?! Jackie-O Pregnancy Announcement, t-minus …
new game: everytime camera goes to mcconnell, let’s play: what is mitch mcconnell thinking RIGHT NOW?
“i’m wistfully recalling how smooth that young boy’s body was. mmmmm a-lordy, he was so tender. i miss boot camp so so much.”
Guppy06: It’s almost like a Catholic wedding!
Barry’s hair is whiter than Wyoming! What have these assholes done to our Barry??
I just got a zit today. Ohnoez!
SINGLEPAYER: CHUG CHUG CHUG
“These are the facts. No one disputes them.”
Oh Barry… you and your “facts”, and your “reality”…
obfuscator: Ah, give him a break. He’s got that awful SOCIALIST!@#! Muslin government health care, after all. He’s lucky they didn’t permanently affix leeches to his eyeballs.
Also, NOBAMA!
Oh NO he’s not twittering. FAIL. LOL.
“-like our automakers” Yeah, we bet it’s hurting YOUR business, Mr. Auto Executive Marxist Preznit.
Fact “Nobody disputes them”.
Uh…Glenn Beck, anyone?
nmmagayar: “republicans are assholes”
Yeah. And what’s your point? Ooh, it’s the Hopey I fell in love with. If he would only call out Grassley and Enzi for being douches and Baucus for being a pussy.
I know. Ain’t gonna’ happen. But at least he could recommend a good shrink for Bachman and offer to pay for her treatment.
Here comes the Sister Souljah moment where he ditches those damned single payer commies.
“We would be spending more on Medicare and Medicaid than all other government programs combined.”
Well then we could attack it with our military, because it would finally be cost-effective.
Fuck the individual!
We’re America!
We hate US!
oh fuck this doesn’t sound promising.
Radiacal Shift…time for a shot?
it would disrupt the healthcare we already have, which you just got done telling us is sucky and will drop us when we are sick. so what the fuck is wrong with radical change?
Radical shift? Like ending slavery, going to war, or going to the moon? We NEED a radical shift!
Is Max Baucus alive? Anyone?
It’s Centrism with a human face.
NPR pregame “…the health insurance industry is mainly standing on the sidelines…”
Yeah, to the tune of tens of millions of dollars a day. Hate to see what happens if they get excited.
I mean that’s a lot of denied claims — money don’t come easy!
I’ve been watching you, Washington. Half of you are saboteurs.
you can tell when it’s the republicans are applauding because they sound like a bunch of old white homosexuals
GreatOldOnesParty: Soory (not adding a frowny face to express my sincerity)
Yeah yeah, awesome recap. We know all this. Get to the part where you tell Congress to quit being such a bunch of lying sacks of shit and pass something that will actually help the people.
Ah imissopus, you eternal optimist…
The Senate finance committee moving forward has never happened before.
Pelosi has those creepy eyes like True Blood.
pattycake: I paid that for 2 ounces!!
Republicans, turn around and drop trou. It’s Barry’s Special Sodomy Time.
I’m confused- Is Boner standing up and applauding?
No hope…..take a shot…two….confusion has rained
Booo! More bickering! More games! More cum whores!
The time for games has past….can’t even think of snark for that one.
(cough)
Palin
(cough)
i wish he’d call out grassley and every asshole house gop member by name and tell them to “eat a bag of minority party dicks”.
EVERYBODY DANCE!
“Season for Actions” 1 shot
“The best ideas of BOTH parties?” Fuck. We’re screwed.
OH HAI GUISE MELANIE OUDIN IS PLAYING IN A QUARTERFINAL:
http://www.usopen.org/en_US/index.html
ORANGE!
Short term political points…I MEAN YOU GRASSLEY, YOU LITTLE SHIT!
And Boehner is more orange than ever…
loquaciousmusic: “If so, HI BARRY!!!!!11!!!1!”
Speed reading as fast as these old eyes can, but this made me stop and laugh. So fuck you.
Nows the time to legalize WEED bitches!
Bring the Hussein, Daddy.
He’s pushing for the Finance Committee plan. FFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUU-
Lolo: Funny you say that, cause it seems everyone has those eyes anymore…maybe I’m under Maryann’s spell! Nooooooooooooooooo!
Sorry, my crappy DELL decided to type in Chinese characters for a second. Ironic, actually, since the Chinese own me now.
I like this plan. I just have to sit on my ass b/c nothing will change for me.
Unless I lose my job. But we’ll cross that bridge when we get there…
…or Manny, the barber, who also does polyp work…
It took him how many months to say “nothing’s going to change what you have”???
This “new” plan sounds awfully familiar so far.
Aw lucky me! I can keep paying for my health insurance if I want. YAY! No free doctor’s visits! Wait…
Talk SLOWLY FOR THE FOX D-BAGS BHO.
i think that the public option should be able to deny you coverage if your pre-existing condition is “being chuck grassley”.
LET’S DECLARE WAR ON PRE-EXISTING CONDITIONS
Against the law for insurance companies to deny coverage for a pre-existing condition.
YESSS!
And they can’t drop that coverage!!!!
Is it me or is Prez’ delivery clipped and choppy?
I hope that’s vodka in Biden’s glass.
Watered down beer should be illegal too!
DustBowlBlues: Yes, well, that’s why my comments get chosen for The Daily Show. I’m just sayin’.
And I’ve GOT a pre-existing condition!!
FLOG AETNA, FLOG BLUE CROSS BLUE SHIELD…WHEEEEEEEE!
First, got insurance, you must die,
repeat, you will die.
Second, if you are already dead, you will not be denied coverage.
As soon as I sign this bill, death panels everywhere will get laced Kool-Aid packets.
If this new plan doesn’t have Death Panels, then I’m against it.
Each word Barry says is driving insurance stock down a percent.
Country Club Jihadi:
Jihad on Blue Dogs
Why did Orange McBoehner’s mom never tell him to NOT CHEW GUM in the capitols when you might be on teevee?!!
Is the empty seat Teddy’s?
Whoot, preventative care!!
suck it Insurance companies! SUCKKKIIIIIIT!
Godammit. I think Hopey just put the little VEBA that’s my only hope for insurance out of business. Well, shit.
chascates: let’s do this! I’ll bring the vaporizer–start making ice cubes!
Oh yeah! Free colonoscopies!
Is he going to say public plan???
Part III just started.
idiot son of an asshole: Menopause.
Oh MOTHERFUCK FUCK FUCK
exchange!
drink!
A strong stand on colonoscopies and proctology would get the Republicans on their feet.
Insurance Exchange=Not a public option.
I’m not hearing a public option. *sigh*
I just realized what Baucus’ problem is. He needs a blowy. Quick somebody call that Heidi chick from today’s earlier shocking republican scandal. Let’s turn that frown upside down sad little camper!
AxmxZ: fun fact: this is a good thing.
The triangulation! It Burns!
chascates: shit, call me. i hate to see a wonketteer hosed like that.
All stand when we talk about the gold-plated health care we here in this august chamber get…
Uncommon Nonsense: Yes, because the Republicans have so many “GOOD” ideas.
four years? why don’t you just kill my grandmother right now?
wait….4 years?
HAHAHAH SUCK IT MCCAIN
Is there a public plan to bleach McCain’s teeth?
One good hand job for John McCain
Isn’t John McCain himself a pre-existing condition? He should LOVE this plan!
I like the pink suit more every time they cut to Michelle. Like the Spanish Inquisition, NO ONE EXPECTS THE Pink Suit!! And she makes it WORK.
hockeymom:
That’s right! He’s weasling around the public option.
YAY WALNUT5!
AxmxZ: Nope. I’m hearing “health care exchange.”
Also: McSame?! Where’s the Kennedy love?
Newell haz a new live blog
He said “workers” instead of “employees.” Proves he’s a closet commie.
ORANGE is smirking
I can’t believe Bohner started drinking without us!
“That wasn’t a joke, assholes.”
clap for disinformation!
Barry fucked up…you never admit that there are things that need to be ironed out.
There’s your FOX bite for the week.
SARAH iz IRRESPONSIBL LYER!
WHAT?!? I want my death panels!
OMG he confirmed the existence of death panels!
Something dripped out of me when we called out the death panel lies.
holy cow. repubs sat after being called out.
“It is a lie, plain and simple”….cue the camera to pan to the liars.
hockeymom: They were the ones that didn’t stand up.
Who called out? Where’s the Sergeant at Arms? We need a bouncer in aisle 9.
Must they stand and clap EVERY time?? I’m just saying…..
Lolo: Yes and what retardedness did they yell out? My kid kept talking and I couldn’t hear . . .
WHOA….Public Option! But just a little, itty, bitty, tiny cute public option.
Think of it as a fluffy bunny public option!
Improvident_Lackwit: I think they called HIM a liar. Couldn’t really make it out.
Yeah, Intermountain, I knew about hat too Barry!1 I LOVE YOU BARRY!!1
It’s like we have our own House of Commons with the cheering and attacking. Hear hear!
dementor: And wouldn’t a monthly Presidents Question session just be all that and a bag of dicks?!
chascates: Holy smoke, pattycake and chascates.
Plant a few seeds and it’s Free(!)