Wonkette
Another victim felled by the Internets, it seems: Republican California legislator Mike “Sticky Carpets” Duvall has resigned freaking already, for being disgusting. The statement on his website: “I am deeply saddened that my inappropriate comments have become a major distraction for my colleagues in the Assembly, who are working hard on the very serious problems facing our state. I have come to the conclusion that it would not be fair to my family, my constituents or to my friends on both sides of the aisle to remain in office. Therefore, I have decided to resign my office, effective immediately, so that the Assembly can get back to work.” And I can get back to fuckin’! Oh man, what a bummer. We hadn’t nearly exhausted the nickname possibilities for Mike “Jizz Raptor” Duvall yet. [Duvall for Assembly]
Buzzkill.
But he was such a nice guy, looking out for my interests and such!
Subtitle (which oddly appear above the real title on our Wonkette, go figure) of the year.
He resigned rather than re-found Jesus? Obviously a RINO.
And jizzing into lobbyists in your office IS being fair to your family? Shoulda maybe thought that through a little more beforehand, Dickweek.
today, we are all cum-dripping eyepatch underwear spanking afficionados.
Well now he and his lobbyist lady friend will be able to spend more time together.
“She wears little eye-patch underwear,” said Duvall, who is married with two children.
“So, the other day she came here with her underwear, Thursday. And so, we had made love Wednesday–a lot! And so she’ll, she’s all, ‘I am going up and down the stairs, and you’re dripping out of me!’ So messy!”
So republican…
What kind of GOPer is this? Resigning because of sexy time scandal? Be like Vitter, Doo-all!
Looks like sexy time is over as once out of office the opportunities to bang late 30s female lobbyists who are vainly clinging to their faded looks is pretty slim.
Crank Tango
Amen Brother!
“Jizz Faucet” works for me.
And what IS eyepatch underwear, anyway? Can someone explain? Is it just super small strings with an “eyepatch” over the good stuff? I need to know!
>>Spanky Cumsack
Bitches! You stole my alternate screen name.
Quitter.
and suddenly the GF’s phone doesn’t seem to work. Just when a guy needs a little comfort and reassurance.
Mark Sanford just called this guy a pussy.
I hope he had his fill of primo ass, because fat insurance salesmen from Yorba Linda don’t get it.
The Jizz Well has run dry.
Once he’s convicted of trading assembly votes for poon, he’ll be going up and down the stairs at some correctional center with his cellmate dripping out of him. Messy!
Party pooper.
I like the fact that he’s sorry for his “inappropriate comments,” but apparently not for cheating on his wife, or for cheating on the woman he’s cheating on his wife with. Well played, sir.
It’s due to California’s tough alimony laws. This guy didn’t want to earn one more penny this fiscal year.
wank smuggler
spittle jizzer
cum pizza
penile blob
jizz sprinkler
family values republican
soo many names to choose from
Dave J: Eyepatch underwear: You put it over your head covering one eye
and walk around saying Arrrr she blows!!!!
This is a major distraction to his colleagues in the Assembly? What about his previous ranting about all the poon he was banging? I’m thinking they are hoping to pick up the lobbyist attention.
His parents aren’t rich enough to pay people off.
“I am deeply saddened that my inappropriate comments have become a major distraction for my colleagues in the Assembly…”
Yeah, it’s pretty distracting trying to defend family values when your colleagues are making slishy noises at you and tittering constantly.
Is everyone else at Appleby’s Wacky Wednesday happy hour already, Newell? Four solo stories posted since 2:20, you madman!
9/9/9: Never Forget.
Because it’s So Messy.
Alas he just does not have the staying power required of today’s elite pr0n star.
He cut and run rather than face the snark tsunami headed his way. You wonketteers are just too good at what you do. If you’re not careful you’re going to work yourselves out of a job.
Mike Duvall - “I am deeply saddened that my inappropriate cumments have become a major distraction for my colleagues in the Assembly, who are working hard on the very serious problems facing our state. I have cum to the cumclusion that it would not be fair to my family, my cumstituents or to my friends on both sides of the aisle to remain in office. Therefore, I have decided to resign my office, effective immediately, so that the Assembly cum get back to work.”
Dave J.: “Eyepatch” underwear is most likely a g-string, not capable of absorbing whatever might seep out of a Lobbyist Skank after she whores herself out to a fat repulsive Republican.
That whole quote is fucking disgusting. I hope Yorba Linda is proud of itself today for electing this asshole.
Even his resignation involves a classic non-apology. “I’m sorry you were distracted by the sticky spots on the carpeting.”
ManchuCandidate: Ouch!
I smell an ultimatum from the missus, here; only this could explain the sudden resignation. No, he has blown in last load into his creampie lobbyist friend. He’s gonna be on the receiving end of any future spankings.
Min: He’s into *that*, too?!
So he quits. Now what? These skanky lobbyists aren’t going to fuck themselves.
Back to the pre-election bevy of truck-stop tranny hookers for ol’ Spoogy Bottom, eh? Order that man’s wife a Gin & Cipro, stat.
Jizz Goblin
He will have to spank himself in jail now.
September 9th should officially become wear your eye patch to work day.
You can email him here: http://legplcms01.lc.ca.gov/PublicLCMS/ContactPopup.aspx?district=AD72&keepThis=true&
But you have to use an address in his district.
…resigning to spare my loved ones further exposure to this sticky situation. Anybody wanna buy a couple pounds of Viagra?
He never followed through on his campaign promises of a car in every garage, a leaky creampie in every lobbyist snatch.
Premature evacuator.
Yorba Linda was the birthplace of Tricky Dick Nixon, who also had an “open mic” problem.
LOL
Here’s her pic, btw.
Suddenly, I understand my lingering conjunctivitis.
The gays destroyed his marriage. They’re responsible for the mess.
I am truly disgusted — to learn my mind works, at least in part, in the same sordid way as this 54-year-old OC douchenozzle.
When I first cast my lustful eyes on the tiny thongs my GF wears, my first (OK, second) thought was, “Holy shit, that’s the size of an eye patch!”
Information about the skank lobbyist can be found here:
http://cal-access.ss.ca.gov/Lobbying/Lobbyists/Detail.aspx?id=1268268&session=2009
MarSF: Hah, he even used to be the mayor.
Spunky McSploogehose, Cummander Cumdumpster, Spurtin’ Mike Jizzhammer, “Fill ‘er Up” Duval, the Lubricator of Lobbyists.
Richard Nixon was from Yorba Linda, and he quit, too. Why is that town full of quitters? I know Duke Cunningham didn’t quit! He went down fighting!
My goddam electric company was paying Heidi DeJong Barsuglia to blow this guy, and he quits on us? Who does he think he is, Sarah Palin?
PineyWoodster: Methinks her interest in Mr Duvall may have, uh, slackened a bit.
pretty good article on the subject: http://laist.com/2009/09/09/family_values_republican_state_asse.php
So how many minutes passed between the apology and the resignation? That has to be some sort of new world record.
Larry McAwful: Free the Duke! He’s a real political prisoner! Amenesty International, when told about him, said, “Are you fucking kidding me?”
Prommie: So there’s an upside here
FMA: No, they’re too busy fucking us.
Dave J.: PineyWoodster: She’s not half bad looking. Way out of his league. Wonder what he had to vote for to get a piece?
Nice to see she completed her ethics course.
it’s all my old amc dreams come — sorry, cum — true. wonkette has becum my internets p0rn site of choice.
but as for sticky carpets duvet, i think i’d rather rub uglies with the pillsbury doughboy.
Given the revolving door between lawmaking and lobbying, the switch from spanker to spankee should be speedy. However, as a man of 54, he will be servicing mostly octegenarians who will boast, out of microphone range, to their bored colleagues, “That eyepatch whippersnapper Duvall sure likes to be spanked.”
Ah, Republicans in love: “making love” = fucking a whore.
Midwest_Product: He’s also sorry if you took offense, in fairness.
Another casuality of the trickle-down effect.
american mutt: I resent the last line of that article. As a Chicagoan, I would just like to say that our politicians do not have TIME to run side businesses with their wives. They have their hands full just selling Senate seats. (And yes, I need to read the whole thread before hitting “submit”)
Obviously he didn’t have the full backing of the self-forgiving C-St Church of the Redeemer.
She has a classmates.com page … have fun
http://www.classmates.com/profile/user/view?registrationId=358186381
Old, fat GOP scum caught dorking lobbyist (or anyone drawing breath)? Move along…
By the by, drinking game tonight?
ChernobylSoup v2: and her ethics certification is up to date. it says she’s active. looks like she is.
Meh. Ms. Hidey DeSchlong Barsucklia ain’t all that.
Thanks for nothing, Spanky! A spooge slip-and-fall class action was the CA legislature’s last chance to avoid bankruptcy.
You can’t have an “Assembly” without “ass.”
Doesn’t he know the rules? Republicmen only have to resign when they’re caught with boys. It’s Democratic men who have to resign when they’re screwing women.
Poor fat old creepy douchebag. If any of the wonkeratti wins the lottery in the next couple of days and feels generous, I’m thinking a fancy dinner with a lovely lady and her eskimo hubby would be just the thing to revive this fat fuck’s morale.
As a practising pirate I resent that eye-patch crack.
PineyWoodster: Obviously a doctored photo. That picture depicts an adult female. No Republican would be interested in an adult female.
I really enjoyed Duvall’s seminal performance in The Great Santorum.
She’s a grad of the Weimar Academy. Who could ever imagine that there is a Weimar Academy? My deja vu has run into a buzz saw.
Follow this link for the California Retailers Assc. biography page for Heidi DeJong Barsuglia, the “drippy” lady referred to by Duvall:
http://www.calretailers.com/heidi.php
Note the first sentence of the last paragraph:
“Ms. Barsuglia graduated cum laude from California State University.”
For real!
Quasi: “eye-patch crack” classic.
Quasi: I think the eye patch showing the crack is entirely the point.
HEIDI BARSUGLIA…..I mean, if you are going to bone a lobbyist…at least do it with one that doesn’t sound like a porn star.
BTW - I’d hit it.
It’s a real pity. I like a man who spanks.
Quasi: HA! crack
Dave J.: It’s what one wears when they want to “swab the poop deck.”
I find his so-called “apology” dripping with insincerity. So messy!
american mutt: What’s the address of a strip joint in his district?
Jim!
You didn’t use MY BLINGEEEEE!!!!11
http://blingee.com/blingee/view/98657371-Assemblyman-Michael-D-Duvall-R-California?offset=0&owner=czn939
Judas Peckerwood: True. But consider the fact that Milk-spray McNuttybutt looks like the ass-love child of Glenn Beck and Rush Limbaugh, and it puts it all in a certain amount of perspective.
GreatOldOnesParty: 5 stars!
Guppy06: Unfortunately i cant look that up while at work
That headline makes me want to sing: “Spaaaanky Cumsack, with the goo-goo-googy eyes!”
I have no idea why.
Sadly Mike Duvall’s Twitter page has been taken down.
What good is it to be a warblog when all of best battles are over before they can even begin?
Crank Tango: FTW!
Made me laugh almost as hard as Newell’s sadness.
If he’s going to speak of eye-patches, his nickname really needs Pirate in it somewhere. I’m not going to spin out the obvious conclusion for you.
Another pig-ugly MP making a fool of himself with some scrawny old hooker, I see.
Heidi Ho!!
GreatOldOnesParty: + infinity for the monkey spanking. Well done!
It’s times like these that I recall the poetry of Stephen Colbert when the Maverick-Iseman scandal was floated. Ahem:
There once was a man named McCain
Who had the whole White House to Gain
But he was quite a hobbyist
Of boning his lobbyist
So much for his 08 campaign
I nominate this site as teh funniest site of the day. Specifically the date of completion of the ethics course.
If this guy is a total bullshit artist and he’s just talking about his fantasies as if they’re true, she’s got the world’s best defamation suit.
PineyWoodster: I just called the listed number and asked to speak to the “Eyepatch Girl”. After a long pause, the woman answering hung up.
I’m sure that this has been said already, but don’t mourn the passage of the Jizz Raptor too much. He’s a Republican, after all, and only has to retire from the spotlight for a year or so (and if he hadn’t been so damn nasty, he’d be in office still). See: Foley, Mark; Gingrich, Newt; Delay, Tom
“There is no question his comments were inappropriate.”
Jebus H Crist! It’s always the same thing with these fucks. It’s the comments that were inappropriate, not the fact that he was fucking two lobbyists, and god knows how many other politicians they were fucking.
Sure, only a fucking retard goes on about shit like that where there are not only microphones, but a whole room full of other people, but they don’t give a fuck about the fact that there was some seriously unethical shit going on.
anywhoo, I’d like to submit “Mayor McMayonnaise,” and “Dick Jizzler” for your consideration.
Eyepatch, you say?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ADyHB29AuFY
caieva: They might think about fine-tuning the coursework a bit.
Cumming Home: The Ass-Emblyman Duvall Story
Here’s to the Golden State’s Mike!
Hot pussy he very much like.
A spewer of cum
Who’s incredibly dumb,
He can’t even turn off a mic!
Eyepatch?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ADyHB29AuFY
Its more than obvious she graduated cum laude for her grades, her degrades.
whoa. whoa. WHOA.
So she graduated cum laude in political science/persuasive communications from Sac State?
TOO MUCH DOUBLE ENTENDRE *explodes*
PineyWoodster: Nice that Heidi completed her ethics training course in Nov 2008.
No longer in power? Out of Sacramento? Can’t do anything for lobbyists anymore? End of the pudenda for you, tardbrain.
Heidi sure took one for her employer by servicing this legislative love-pump.
Does anyone know who the other slut is?
WIDTAP: What’s interesting to me is that she barely lasted two months with the CA Retailers. Wonder what they knew??
Is he going to reimburse the state for getting the carpets cleaned?
PineyWoodster: Wow. Heidi-Ho must have really kicked ass in that Ethics Course she just took, huh?
randomsausage: Oh, I think we can safely say she took more than one.
gurukalehuru: Damn. Beat me to it.
p.s. “persuasive communications” is not a major or concentration at Sac State (CSUS). And dollars to doughnuts it never was–communications = technical communication like broadcast. Persuasion = communication, and almost never shows up as a title for a communication department (I just had this conversation about why our new “School of Communication” could not be–as the donor wants–called “CommunicationS” because these are terms of art denoting different disciplines) Sorry, boring inside baseball.
WIDTAP: Eh, she’s new, but a quick study.
This guy’s an idiot: when you want to talk about banging whores and bitches, post it to your Facebook page like me.
Repubtard!
doxastic: I’ve got a BA in Communication as well (with a speech concentration) and I can tell you the nuances in this field are ridiculous. I’m right there with you.
I think the real reason he quit so fast was touched upon by the breathless reporter in the original video. Our new favorite sperm donor apparently loved to talk about his conquests and it was difficult to get him to change the subject, but it took a hot microphone to catch him? I smell a cover-up of Foley proportions, and his resignation is to keep us from asking too many questions about the remaining assembly members.
The best legislature pussy can buy!
ph7: You rock!
Reverse phone lookup shows that is the number to Sempra Energy, her employer.
WIDTAP: As a woman, I have to wonder what kind of self-hating skank would allow herself to be fucked multiple times by this greasy pig of a man? People are really just sick.
Guppy06: I’m wondering which of his fellow Assemblypersons just happened to switch that mic to the “on” position. You know you’re spending way too much time talking about the ho’s you’re banging when one of your own colleagues fucks you over like that.
MarSF: As a man, I have to wonder where do I find these self-hating skanks?
He can’t make a real apology but he can toss one hell of a salad SrrrrrrRRrrRRRR. (gulp).
Dave J.: Oh, rowr.
MarSF: Makes you wonder if she feels she overspent on her education. You know, just to end up whoring for Sempra with someone like that disgusting bag of jizz, flatulence, and self-delusion.
I’m guessing her life has been altogether disapoooiiiinnnting!
Dave J.: That dewy-fresh image was taken when she was still servicing only the Cal. Senate’s parking lot attendants.
This is Mistress Heidi after her years as the Republican Caucus industrial-strength sperm sponge: http://www3.pictures.zimbio.com/mp/HYzBOm0OjNWs.jpg
randomsausage: You might want to reconsider that. Her maiden (hah!) name is Heidi De Dong, I mean Heidi De Jong, I mean Heidi De Dong.
caieva: On her lobbyist Form 615, Spankette says she has “nothing to report”. So experienced, yet so modest.
Dave J.: All that had to happen was for the obfuscated, anonymous politician to “suggest” to the CaliSpan (or whatever they call it) tech to “accidentally” turn on the mic. I figure that, whatever the guy’s party, this video alone would give the guy Ahnold’s job on an anti-corruption ticket, and there must be some firmly-entrenched higher-ups that would want him to keep anonymous on something like this.
I think it’s time for a good ol’-fashioned California vigilance committee.
randomsausage: They are everywhere, apparently. You can start by hanging out at your local eye-patch underwear outlet.
Someone requested that I blingee the bucket?
http://blingee.com/blingee/view/98674521-Lobbyists-are-Juicy
These things practically make themselves.
btw, I love cum-dripping sluts.
They need love, too.
she graduated cum load.
jeezus, what low rent shit is this.
S.Luggo: I think that before/after is proof positive that, no, the stuff really isn’t good for your skin.
S.Luggo: What is that gross saying again ? “Ridden hard and put out wet”? I hate to use it but somehow it seem so appropriate.
and btw,
do you have to file for moral bankruptcy?
MarSF: Cheers. I know what Mrs Randomsausage is getting for her upcoming birthday, me hearties! Arrrrr etc, etc.
Why pay so much attention to the John Larroquette lookalike cockmaster, and focus more on the fuckee’s name: Heidi Dejong Barsuglia
It just begs to be yelled… provided it could all be said before the refractory period begins.
MarSF: you have so much to teach me!
I think “Spanky McCumsack” rolls off the tongue a little better.
But dang, Heidi Dejong Barsuglia– that is one awesomely hot name!
Chickensmack: “Dejong”? Did her parents WANT her to grow up to be a lobbying skank? … and I think “Barsuglia” is the sound that comes from between her legs as she ascends stairs.
FYI - it seems that that Heidi the Ho is denying the whole thing. Probably just a smokescreen until she works out the book deal and the Playboy center-fold spot.
Trying to work out this whole eye-patch thing. Does this mean Heidi is full Brazilian or merely a landing-strip?
Referring to it as “Eyepatch Underwear” is indeed very very sexy! For those who like to fuck empty eye sockets, and fill them with lots and lots of “you”, that is.
Any bets on how long her transition from lobbying to porn takes? I’m thinking 6-8 weeks. Just not in HD please…
randomsausage: LOL what exactly is her statement? I never “made love in eyepatch underwear with that tub of shit”? Because that may be true…
Yeah, it was comments that were “inappropriate,” not the fact that he sold out the people of California.
He’s got the biggest balls of them all
Way Cool Larry: I was just thinkin’ Spunk McUmpatch…
Heidi Seek De Long Bare Gulio is a little stickier, tho
Assemblyman Duvall lives in Yorba Linda with his wife Susan. He has two grown children.
The question is not whether they’re old enough. It’s whether they’re literate enough.
randomsausage: Who wouldn’t want to deny fucking that repulsive fart-bag?
gurukalehuru: that’s worth a gold star.
Dave J.: PineyWoodster: Pretty nice, sort of a Sissy Spacek minus the freckles? And, boy, does she provide her employers with value for the money! Employee of the Year, for sure!
S.Luggo: “This is Mistress Heidi after her years as the Republican Caucus industrial-strength sperm sponge: http://www3.pictures.zimbio.com/mp/HYzBOm0OjNWs.jpg”
oh good god. it’d driven the poor thing insane.
slappypaddy: “it’s driven” — but you knew that.
american mutt: love that url (family_values_republican_state_asse.php!)
Tough day for republicans and microphones, huh? It’s a wonder they haven’t all twittered themselves into jail. Yet.
Guppy06: “I think it’s time for a good ol’-fashioned California vigilance committee.”
isn’t there a move underway there for a constitutional convention? redraft the whole thing and institute “brothel” form of government? seems i read that somewheres recently.
S.Luggo: Oops! Ixnay on the astlay ommentcay! She has work! Lot’s of it — and none too good.
“If you can’t take their money, drink their liquor, fuck their women, and then come in here the next day and vote against them, you don’t belong here.”
California legislator Jesse Unruh. S’truth.
Eyepatch lady is so full she’s “dripping” and Spanky believes he’s the only guy to make a deposit. Jeez. Wake up, dude. You’re not the only guy on the energy committee.
California needs some safer lobbying practices.
Chickensmack:
That’s Dutch-Italian for “Heidi The Young Pole Smoker”
OMFG! I am so proud of my California legislature for finally getting a mention on Wonkette! And here all this time I thought Sacramento was this boring, backwater town. It’s a hotbed of kinky deviancy! Yah!!! We are ranking up there with South Carolina, Louisiana, and Nevada with the sexytime scandals!
But wait. This guy was a Republican. Wasn’t he supposed to be doing a guy?
Maybe he can get into the carpet-cleaning business.
Mull_Man: Would that we had a wheeler-dealer of Jesse’s stature in the Leg, still. *raises glass in respectful memory*
But I guess some of the mystery of why we didn’t have a budget for so long is resolved.
I feel sorry for Heidi-Cum-Loudly, almost. And what is really disturbing with this jizzum: not only is he A) a right-wing conservative OC douchebag family man defending traditional marriage; B) banging TWO chicks who are not his wife at the same time; C) talking about it in a government building with microphones in sight; D) not using a fucking condom and letting his good stuff “drip” all over. Now, Heidi-Cum-Loudly doesn’t look like she’s in the pregnancy zone, but this creep is spreading his seed and germs everywhere. A real public health hazard. At least if you’re going to screw some ladies set a good example for the children. Yorba Linda needs to be replaced.
It’s also funny that the footer on his website reads “Mile Duvall for Assembly 2010.”
creampuff
Another Family Values Hero! and a great example for his kids, along with the bound written transcripts of the Glen Beck Show as a complete work of reference. It’s like the chocolate candy conveyor belt from the Lucy Show, but with Christian, Right-Wingnut hypocrites, instead of candy. Wow!
For every czar that Glenn Beck drops, we will fucking take out a gross fat old serial adulterer. Oh it’s on bitches.
Midwest_Product: I’m originally from the Midwest, too. And you’re absolutely right. His “ill-considered” comments are OBVIOUSLY the real problem here. Is there much chance he DOESN’T believe this to be true?
Heidi DeJong Barsuglia joined the California Retailers Association in June 2004 as Director of Government Affairs.
California Retailers Association website. Bet she did a bang-up job interview.
Cantor and Hannity together talking about Obama’s speech feels like a really bad Infomercial for teh gay Viagra.
The Honorable Representative Duval (ret.) would like to thank his government-paid Viagra prescription for the ability to adulterate with not one but TWO wily temptresses. Although a *true* pro would have had them both over at the same time, with the wife there to spin the Twister© spin wheel. With the babysitter videotaping it.
“No more pussy for you!!”
Our hero has updated his website with a second statement stating that he did not have sex with that woman. Paging Mr. Starr …
Ken Foley wants his ‘black book’ back.
MarSF: I was thinking the same thing. Well, not “as a woman,” but the rest of it.
Ms. De Thong must be slowly shaking her very hungover head, thinking “I did that…for this?”
Click: OW!!! You made me snort my coffee.
slappypaddy: She ain’t no thirty-six. OK, maybe that’s her bra size. But based on the parchment-like sheen of her carefully ironed and plastinated visage, I’d add at least seven years to her stated age. (I’m from LA; I know “work” when I see it.)
MarSF: Too funny.
In fact, this whole eye patch underwear thing is hilarious. From various Web sites and tweets:
“Really, eye patch underwear? Arrr, me panties;”
picture posted of eye patch (just lying there–not on someone), caption reads, “Not panties;”
“What is eye patch underwear? Underwear so small that you lift up the eye patch to look at it with BOTH eyes.”
Thank you Ass. Duvall!
Oh, please, please please Jeebus, let enough of Spanky’s jizz stay in to impregnate Heidi de Ho. Just for the love child pictures later.
Mull_Man: Beat me to it, Dude! But Unruh was Democrat who knew that gentlemen don’t kiss and tell.