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Cheney Is Going To Go Ahead And Just Arrest All Britain’s Terrorists For Them

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The British are terribly, terribly cross with America’s former Vice President Dick Cheney. The meddlesome Cheney somehow found himself all mixed up in counter-terrorism investigations over there! It seems he almost totally botched the UK’s arrest of three British guys who were plotting to blow up seven airliners headed for North America. Specifically, Cheney tried to have them arrested before they even bought plane tickets on the planes they were going to bomb. Ha ha! It’s cute, how anxious he is.

Cheney sent some henchman or robot called “Jose Rodriguez”—whom the Times, with rascally skepticism, describes as “a man called Jose Rodriguez”—to Pakistan to try to arrest Rashid Rauf, the guy who had hooked up the UK bombers with the Pakistani bomb-makers.

“We know that Tony Blair briefed George Bush on July 28, that he told them that the plot was hatching, but it wasn’t quite ready yet,” said Mr Clarke.

“Mr Bush didn’t seem to commit anything to paper, but Vice President Cheney despatched a man called Jose Rodriguez to Pakistan in secret. The British didn’t know he was there.

“And after Mr Rodriguez’s arrival in Pakistan, Rashid Rauf was picked up. The British were hopping mad about that, because it meant that on August 10 they had no choice but to move in on this plot before all the evidence was as mature as possible.

Impossibly suspiciously, Rauf escaped (?) from the clutches of Jose Rodriguez’s Pakistani attache. America apparently later killed Rauf “in a barrage of Hellfire missiles fired from a Predator drone at a bungalow,” which sounds a lot more like justice than just arresting him anyway, so what is England even going on about?

[Times Online]

About the author

Juli Weiner was Wonkette's beloved intern and books columnist and then morning editor until she was hired away by Vanity Fair in 2010.

View all articles by Juli Weiner


Hey there, Wonkeputians! Shypixel here to remind you to remember our Commenting Rules For Radicals, Enjoy!

  • Wugou

    Much like a Republican lobbyist’s panties, I imagine Rauf’s death was “so messy.”


    Stupid British. They wanted to gather additional evidence for their courts. This is what happens when you have to work with “Old Europe” allies and their quaint notions of law enforcement to address terrorism.

    Had they listen to Cheney, they could have just shot a few hellfire missiles in a London apartment or two and be done with it.

  • thejesusandmarycheney

    “Mexican, Pakistani, you people all speak the same language, right? Now put down that goddamn leaf blower and get your ass to Karachi before I pull out the ol ‘Lawyer Blaster'”.

  • gurukalehuru

    The sooner Dick Cheney’s arrested
    the better the world will be

  • Decker

    It’s like Cheney was auditioning for the next Bond film. The Segway is an inspired touch.

  • Gorillionaire

    Everybody knows Big Dick Cheney wanted a terrorist strike on the US so so bad. He will be trying to kluge up terrorist arrests from the grave.

  • ManchuCandidate

    Apparently, Dick “World’s biggest Chickenshit” Cheney is in fact the Shadow. Only he knows what evil lurks in the minds of men (because it takes one to know one.)

  • Snarkalicious

    [re=405419]thejesusandmarycheney[/re]: Cream. Pants. Nappy time.

  • Min

    Rauf escaped from the clutches of Jose Rodriguez’s Pakistani attache.

    Those Pakistani attaches. Always so grabby.

  • JadedDIssonance

    Give ’em Tarnayshun ‘n HellCzar!

  • S.Luggo

    Jose “The Gardner” Rodriquez is also the guy who destroyed the CIA torture tapes.

    My, the dude sure did get around for a domestic with only a Green Card. Cheney still owes backs taxes for Jose services cleaning the water boards in Dick’s basement.

  • MissM

    My god, Cheney really is Darth Vader, isn’t he? No offense to Darth Vader.

  • user-of-owls

    Curiously, “a man called Jose Rodriguez” was also responsible for the destruction of all those sexy interrogation tapes in his capacity as head of CIA’s Directorate of Operations, so his resume is probably an interesting read. Or maybe as a cost-cutting measure the Agency stopped giving everyone different covers and now all agents are called Jose Rodriguez.

  • bhosp


  • Monsieur Grumpe

    Cheney’s plan is simple, arrest, torture, get evidence, torture some more and wipe butt with constitution.

  • user-of-owls

    [re=405436]S.Luggo[/re]: [re=405439]user-of-owls[/re]: S.Luggo is not S.Luggish on the keyboards.

  • freakishlystrong

    When can we expect Britain to arrest Cheney for us?

  • qwerty42

    Cheney is a crazy old man. And he has gotten crazier with time and loss of office.

  • SayItWithWookies

    Geeze, you’d think if Cheney was going to be so overly concerned about plots against the US that he would jeopardize an investigation, he’d at least be sure not to let the guy escape. Assuming, of course, that he actually wanted the dude arrested.

  • Gopherit

    What wouldn’t be better dealt with using a barrage of Hellfire missiles? I’m looking at you, Dick.

  • The Station Manager

    For the briefest second, seeing “America apparently later killed Rauf in a barrage of Hellfire” brought out my inner Catholic. Don’t worry, I gay aborted a baby, with a condom, and I’m back to normal now.

  • thehelveticascenario

    Who needs Precogs when we have Dick Cheney?

  • Doglessliberal

    Stupid people, if we Americans are limited by things like “evidence” and “due process” and “the Constitution”, the Brown-skinned terrorists will be over here in no time. Cheney wisely realized that arresting people and disappearing them based on things you think they thought or intended is far more efficient and effective than going through all that folderol, and it has the bonus effect of saving money you can then use on weapons to preemptively blow the shit out of other countries.

  • GreenHalo

    Wow, he really is just stupid and mean. Not even Superman would fuck over British Intelligence. They actually do the stuff the CIA gets accused of, and more of it, and successfully, and they’ve been at it for centuries. Salman Rushdie pissed off Iran and will probably outlive me in England. The other way around, he’d have lasted about six months.

    Britain is not one of your huntin’ buddies, Darth. Good luck with those international business interests. The Nazis were slightly ahead of America in the race for The Bomb, you know, but one night this one single ship blew up and sank in deep water and Fritz was left with nothing but memories and overengineered Qassam-2 rockets… good times!

  • Jim89048

    MI-5 fail, and Cheney still walks among us…

  • Dave J.

    Michael Vick : Ron Mexico = Dick Cheney : Jose Rodriguez

  • Way Cool Larry

    How do we know Cheney was actually trying to stop the plot? Maybe he was helping them along?

  • hiphophitler

    Jesus. You’ve actually got a picture of Cheney on a Segway and there’s no mouseover snark? This place is falling apart at the seams.

  • BadKitty

    Evidence? Cheney doesn’t need evidence any more than he needs laws, courts or the U.S. Constitution. That crap is for pussies.

  • Way Cool Larry

    In fact, the article is incredibly vague about what happened with Rodriguez and Rauf, which makes me think there is much here than meets the eye.


    [re=405526]hiphophitler[/re]: Sara was the only Wonkette glue. We just have to endure until her return.

  • Hedley Lamar

    Uh, oh, Cheney’s got the fear again.


    [re=405527]BadKitty[/re]: …but laws, courts and the US Constitution do not protect you from terrorist attacks. Only the Vice President can do that.

  • tamiflu
  • liquiddaddy

    With his enormous plumb bobber to correct any problem with his center of gravity, he must be the greatest Sedgway driver ever.

  • RoscoePColtraine

    Wait…Dick Cheney gets around on a Segway? Because he has a weak heart? And, um, walking would be bad for his heart?

  • ManchuCandidate

    Can you guys zap the fucking spammer Tamiflu?

  • 5erfun

    Almost sounds like this Rauf guy mighta known sumpin ol’ Darth didn’t want out there…

  • WideStance

    Unspeakable atrocities recorded in CIA torture tapes? Send Jose Rodriguez.
    D.C. Madam threatening to reveal connections between Abramoff and 9/11 terrorists? Send Jose Rodriguez.
    British about to arrest group of terrorists that could expose ugly connections with the administration? Send Jose Rodriguez.
    Posters on Wonkette mouthing off? Sen . . .

  • zaccapeters

    Let this be a lesson to anyone who dares to fiddlefuck with goopervillandia election strategies. Ever.

  • elcid66

    Nice. Now even the British will freeze us out and not share their intelligence with us. Was there any stone left unturned in f’ing up this country?

  • Hello Sunshine

    [re=405794]elcid66[/re]: Over the past few years Wonkette has dutifully recorded countless incidents of crazed Bush and Cheney activities that have prompted commenters to say “Now even the British will freeze us out.” Yet we keep coming back for more, like some battered wife who knows deep down that her husband still loves her, despite the bruises and broken limbs…

    Also, firing missiles at Walthamstow = excellent way to improve London.

  • Bernie Madeoff

    Jose Rodriguez aka Gilberto de Piento?

  • jagorev

    This made me proud of America:

    America apparently later killed Rauf “in a barrage of Hellfire missiles fired from a Predator drone at a bungalow,”