Wonkette
Hey remember Mark Sanford’s affair? Well, Mark Sanford certainly does, and he would like to take this opportunity to implore you to just GET OVER IT. In fact, he will be publicly reminding everyone of his own Argentinian extramarital sparkin’ thing until America decides to just grow up and forget it already. But you know, while we’re on the subject of Mark Sanford, Mark Sanford has a few ideas about some helpful metaphors everyone can use in dealing with this whole “Mark Sanford situation”: “Everybody is assigned their own secret-agent mission in life. And at times the tricky part, the hard part, is finding out what that secret-agent mission is. Some of us do it early, some of us do it later in life.”
…And some of us do it now. And oh, by the way, do you realize who else has secret-agent missions?
SOLDIERS:
“I’m a wounded soldier; I took myself off the battlefield,” he says.
Other correct answers include: “particularly imaginative children” and “James Bond.”
So Sanford’s secret agent mission is to become a pig fucker? Yep, makes perfect sense.
Hah. Mark Sanford as James Bond? He isn’t fit to lick clean Oddjob’s shoes.
Mark Sanford IS Pussy (not the good kind) Galore.
“And my secret mission,” intoned Sanford, “was to bang and Argentinan hottie. And I would have gotten away with it too, if it hadn’t been for you meddlin’ kids.”
Some pig.
Secret mission instructions are always written on the backs of Post-it notes.
“And he doesn’t always drink beer, but when he does, he drinks Dos Equis.”
“This penis will self-destruct in five seconds.”
It’s tempting to rail on him for invoking the honor of a soldier serving his country in justifying his dishonest behavior, but he actually is a lieutenant colonel in the Air Force Reserve and puts in his time in a free-floating emergency response unit.
Doesn’t mean he’s not still a dick, though.
Radiant.
There’s a man who leads a search for strange
To everyone he meets he hiking the Appalachians.
With every jet he takes another chance he takes
Odds are you’ll be a news joke tomorrow
Secret agent Mark, secret agent Mark
They’ve seen you as an asshole and made fun of your name
Beware of Argie faces that you find
An Argie ass can kill a fundie mind
Ah, be careful who you screw
Or you’ll cry yourself blue
Odds are you’ll be a news joke tomorrow
Secret agent Mark, secret agent Mark
They’ve seen you as an asshole and made fun of your name
So obviously Mrs. Sanford brought this scandal down on the family by refusing to play secret agent with Mark, forcing him to find romance in Argentina.
Now there’s a man who lives a life of danger.
Note to Mark Sanford: Witch Hunts were bad because there is no such thing as witches.
You were conducting a Cunt Hunt, and you ended up actually finding the honey pot of gold, because as it turns out, hot Argentinian poon really exists in the physical universe, a scientific fact your field trips south of the border helped you to discover on a first hand basis, up to the wrist presumably.
Career Resuscitation FAIL.
His mission was to peddle rancid meat in South America??
Apparently his secret mission was in his pants.
This guy:
“…of even greater note, I’m gonna be speaking to regular working South Carolinians when I get the chance.”
With nearly 12% of South Carolinians out of work, Mr. In Like Flint might want to speak to a few of those folks as well.
V572625694: ???
Because he has some tenuous attachment to the military (I’d love to see his attendance records, unless his “missions” were all to Argentina) he therefore is allowed to invoke the honor of wounded soldiers when discussing his crass inability to control the comportment of his pee-pee? Uh, I’m gonna give that one a no.
I don’t think he’s doing it right.
V572625694: “Dick” is too butch for Markie. He’s more of a “peen”.
Can he go on a mission so secret that I never see or hear him or anything about him ever again?
Agent Sanford’s cover is blown!
What gives? I thought we were tired of Mark Sanford and had moved on to his geyh replacement with the French name and the Greek ideas.
Sanford’s main problem is that his wife would not play secret agent with him and give him a blow job.
Again, remember, a Black Man calls Republican’s assholes, and he loses his job. A White Man commits adultery, and probably uses tax payer’s money to fund his affair, and he stays in his job.
Thank God he didn’t get his parents to commit tax fraud to keep it secret…, Oh, wait.
Well, at least, thank God he didn’t admit to seeing prostitutes…, Oh wait.
Does this mean he’s finally resigning? Because if he is, I think he’s proven himself stupid and delusional enough to win elected office in Oklahoma or Texas. As a Republic candidate, of course.
Oh, and why no Hopey great speech stuff? I would send a tip that he was inspirational but not much snark in that. Snaps to Dr. Nancy for putting the cross-eyed, bucktoothed Texas douche on the air so he could mumble about our “freedoms” while he carried on about a legal opinion, a (phony–not in a plastic bag) photocopy of which he was waving in his hand by answering him, “You’ve got to be kidding.”
I may have to turn gay, just to move my crush from Dr. Sanjay to Nancy.
Terrific.
Mr Blifil: Sandford’s one tiny step above the various chicken-hawks (we all know who they are) urging all war, all the time, at least. He ran the confidence course at Lackland AFB, for instance.
But as freakishlystrong says, he’s a peen. A limp, teeny-weeny peen, except when he’s a-sparkin. Another example of how the Republians brought us into an era of shameless decadence. Free the Duke!
. . .”Some of us do it early, some of us do it later in life”…and some folks like Sanford “do it” to married Argentine women.
His secret mission is to stay a Governor because C Street and God told him so. Also, André is dangerously poufty, and might sex up the wrong person on the vacant first lady’s desk.
ah! so he did it for the troops! why do all these patriots like to fuck around?
Okay, I don’t care what the rest of you losers are talking about, I’m completely gay for Dr. Nancy.
hunter.blatherer: Or the ass-end of piglets, apparently.
Here’s a guy who should be addressing our schoolchildren!
He’s also like totally a ninja, you guys.
Until he puts his secret mission in a plastic bag and shows it (on the teevee–not personally) to me, I’m not believing it. That’s my new standard for anything a winger claims.
The Secretary has already disavowed any knowledge of his actions.
When is this Sanford moran going to STFU? He’s much too Outspokin’.
One Yield Regular: Have you noticed how he only fucks those who are troublesome to his career these days? I have a feeling that conversation will only be had involving the business end(s) of a double-dong.
If we do not immediately accept the correct interpretation of his words (”I am an international man of mystery [FOR JEBUS] and am sacrificng my good name so that the Argentine terrorists inside the notorious shadow group ‘Sparkin Tang’ won’t win the day and…) Oh screw it, I give up on making this funny any more. Sparkin Tang, indeed.
The point is, the man is oviously a champion. Of lightly salted poisoned rat-dick smoking, sure, but a winner’s a winner.
Give this man an acoustic guitar.
Cape Clod: Now THAT is a WIN
“I took myself off the battlefield”
I do not think this means what you think it means, cuz you’re still here.
Frankly, I don’t give a flying pig who he shtups; that’s between him and the Divine Attack Dog he keeps siccing on all the rest of us for what he perceives to be our moral failings. I do care that he used public bux for his big “Flying Down to Rio” (or wherever) production number, and he needs to pay that back out of his lawn-mowing money for the next 82 years.
He just reaaaaallly needs to stop telling everybody else how to live a moral, goodie-two-shoes kreeschin life. He left his moral authority in Souse Amerika.
“The bed was a battlefield of love, rumpled and cratered by Weapons of Mass Destruction, the sheets torridly cast awry by friction with her bodacious Argentinian cans. When he left, his sighs of regret were those of a secret sheep agent, bleating in the wind.”
Well you’re where you should be all the time
And when you’re not you’re with
Some underworld spy or the wife of a close friend
Wife of a close friend, and…
You’re so vain, you probably think this song is about you,
you’re so vain…
EVERYTHING is about Marky Mark. First he was King David and now he is James Bond? Problems with reality much Mark?
But who can blame him. I do hear those Argentine women are so fast you have to put a governor on them.
Would you believe…he’s got 99 problems but an Agent ain’t one?
DROP CUBBY, MARK!!!!
He’s doin’t you no good at all.
He’s the Man from B.U.N.C.O. (Breathtakingly Unwise Nattering after Cohabitating Overseas)
Studge: The Gooberner calls that a double-pork barrel shot gun.
I have been praying about Brother Mark daily and I would point out to you Godless heathens that once again, the Good Lord did not let me down, he’s apparently driven the poor bastard Batshite Insane. Next up in my prayers, Rush Limbaugh.
Sanford: “Even though there is bit of a family resemblance , I promise you I did NOT fuck these piglets mom.”
Judging by the picture, Sanford completely misunderstood what goes on at a furcon. (Except for that suite on the eighth floor.)
DustBowlBlues: I have hated Dr Nancy until that precise moment and now I would be ok with a little “girl on girl” action with her.
gjdodger: Bravo! Bravo! We have a WIN!
It’s tempting, Sanford admits, to go “drop a rock on my head, die and never see the Appalachian trail again. Or Jenny, that unforgiving bitch.”
Snowbilly’s delusions are a bit milder than Sanfords. I mean, she might see Putin rearin’ his ugly head over Alaska, or having vistited Ireland because your plane refuelled there…but come on, thinking you’re Sean Connery because she slept with someone in another country?
(I for one have never, ever, slept with a ‘mericun. I won’t dirty my sheets any more than they are already with me sleeping there)
And so this adultery is just a cross he has to bear.
‘But unlike the president, Sanford says, he immediately came clean, and asked forgiveness.’
So it’s not the act itself, it’s how quickly you’re discovered and admit it.
V572625694: Well, if there’s anyone who’s experienced with “free-floating emergency responses,” it should be Mark Sanford.
Is it wrong that I found the lyrics to “Secret Agent Man” and posted it on his facebook wall?
if that’s wrong…i dont wanna be right!…which ironically the song (If loving you is wrong i dont wanna be right) has to do with Mark and Maria.
populucious: a deserter?
I feel sorry for ms. Argentina. She’s been used and abused. Probably dumped.
Snarkalicious: That’s basically it. He thinks he’s on a mission from God, and all these distractions - like Jenny taking herself and her money out of the picture - are sent by Could-It-Be-SATAN?
(Instead of God saying, “Dude, you are fucking up, get a grip on something besides your peen.” Which is my interpretation.)
I presume the DB pays columnists? Between Jenny* and the ethics investigations, he’s got to lawyer up, and they aren’t cheap.
* Jenny Sanford is both smart and well-bred enough to keep her mouth shut, but the signs are not looking good for this marriage given Mark’s delusions.
He obviously thought his secret mission from God was to “hide the laughingly inadequate sausage”. He failed when he decided to move the sausage around, hiding it in more than one place. While he could easily defend the location of his sausage inside of sweet, South Carolinian sugar walls, he made a major error in judgement in then taking the sausage outside of the safe confines of the former capital of the Confederacy and stashing it in a less secure Argentine honey pot.
Sanford should have his penis revoked for such rank incompetence. If in two years he can prove that he’s not really a little bitch, it can be reinstated.